Writing Feedback / IELTS writting part 1 bar chart practice: Female Unemployment rate in 4 countries of the UK [3]

Aim for a clear summary overview. Separate the topic of the chart from the information contained. That means, use one sentence for the topic and separate sentence for the information outline. A third sentence for the coverage year would help make things easier to keep track of on the part of the reader / examiner. Your trending statement should only be a single sentence that does not contain any reference to actual measurements or digits from the image. This is only a summary paragraph. It is not an informative paragraph yet.

You do not need to place "The" before Scotland since you are referring to a proper noun, Scotland being the name of a place or part of the UK monarchy or Commonwealth realm. The same error happened when you referred to Northern Ireland as well. Avoid making the same errors in the future as these will affect your GRA score.

Why are you referring to national governors and residents themselves in the last paragraph? If the information is not included in the image, you should not be including or adding it to the report. This will remove your reliable information and affect your TA score as your report suddenly became unreliable. You are not writing an opinion essay either so giving a personal assessment or opinion of what is causing the measurements to vary in the chart is irrelevant. The inclusion of that information will only serve to lower your score due to task inaccuracy.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for GKS's graduate studies in Communication Design University track [5]

Your decision to become a professor is separate from your decision to apply for the GKS program. You should separate the statements because those have differing consideration factors that helped you make the decision. There is no connection between the two as you could have opted to study a masters course in your own country if you wanted to, and become a professor just the same. The GKS has nothing to do with that.

What sort of deep research did you have to do for your thesis? Expand on that discussion for the research acumen portion requirement of the motivational statement. You need to enhance that portion as it is a necessary section of the essay, as per prompt requirements. There is no need to mention your masters thesis in this essay. Save that for the Study plan essay.

Your reason for choosing to study in Korea needs to be profession related. Discuss the accomplishments of Korea in this field instead. That is what will interest the reviewer more than the Hallyu and K-Pop, or Koreanovela references. These reference points are common, weak, and rather unrelated to your academic interests. The rest of the paragraph make it sound like you want to be a tourist in Korea rather than a student. You have to refocus the content of that paragraph to ensure the applicability of your reasons for studying in Korea.

Scholarship / Personal statement for KGSP scholarship Master program in English Linguistics [5]

You have a stronger connection with the UK presented in this essay than a relationship and interest in Korea. The Korean interest is flimsy, shallow, and not convincingly portrayed, regardless of your TOPIK score. Although that will definitely help your application. Somehow though, it sounds more like you took the test only because you knew that learning Hangul is a requirement for the scholars and you were hedging your bets. You are not truly interested in learning linguistics in Korea as far as I can tell. You just want to study in a different country other than the UK, which would be the more logical choice for you to continue your studies at, given your educational history.

The lackluster Korean relationship is more of a concern to me because you do not solidly defend and convince the reader that your desire to study sociolinguistics and psycholinguistics actually has anything to do with Korea. What has Korea accomplished in this field that has convinced you that it is time to study these masters courses in Korea rather than continuing your studies in the UK? The strong UK focus and the concentration on teaching in English, rather than a truly multifaceted interest in linguistics are, what I believe, to be the weakest points of this essay.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for GKS's graduate studies in Visual Communication Design [2]

Your personal statement is not based on the proper information requirement for the presentation. The personal statement for the Masters program has a specific set of information necessary for presentation and assessment. You have not properly focused on the required motivational, educational, work and research experience, along with profession and career target reasons for your personal statement.

The overall discussion is fine, provided there are no real motivational letter requirements. However, the GKS has specific instructions for the development of your personal statement. It is important that you review the discussion requirements, draft your essay as required, then post your essay here as URGENT for a secondary review. This essay, in this format, using this information, is not GKS qualified. Review the personal statement discussion requirements and deliver the required information.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 2 about the designation of newly constructed building [2]

The first sentence in your presentation does not make sense. It is trying to be impressive in presentation by using a complex presentation of words, that probably make sense in your mother tongue, but does not make sense, nor does it relate to the original prompt. It is a throw away sentence that did not help your prompt restatement. A clear prompt restatement focuses on 3 sentences that deliver the following only:

- The topic for the discussion
- Involved points of view or reasons for the discussion
- The thesis statement composed of 2 points of view = personal opinion (for this essay)

There is no need for the flowery opening sentences that do not move the essay forward. Rather, these irrelevant sentences tend to blur the meaning of the presentation and discussion in general. Focus on what matters, that is, the original prompt. There is no need to add anything to make the presentation more elaborate. You are scored on clarity first and foremost. Anything else you add removes the original concentration of the presentation and eliminates the clarity of your restatement.

Avoid using rhetorical questions in your presentation. That creates a prompt deviation that is not covered by the original prompt instead of presenting information based on the discussion requirements presented, you created a prompt deviation that will score you lower in the overall consideration. That is because you are presenting information that is not part of the original prompt. While your discussion is complex and truly analyzed, that prompt deviation in the first reasoning paragraph will be a huge drawback in your final scoring presentation due to the change in discussion topic that you applied for not reason.

You over discussed, over presented, exaggerated, and debated in an essay that only required a simplified discussion presentation within 5 comparative discussion paragraphs. You wrote too many words for 40 minute presentation and failed to actually consider the overall discussion requirements in the presentation.

Letters / Motivation letter - Master's degree in Neuroscience [3]

The main motivation that you should be presenting here is "Why do you want to become a research - professor of Neurosciences?" The second paragraph should not be a summary of your previous educational background, although a summary would be acceptable. The motivation letter should focus on your target with regards to your career. What motivated you to keep studying masters courses? Have you ever applied these theoretical knowledge in the real world? Do you have a profession or career at the moment that has benefited from these previous studies? How and why will you continue to benefit from the addition of this course to your roster of theoretical knowledge? What is the end goal application that serves as the overall motivating factor? Think beyond just a work title, think of how the work title will or has applied itself to your development as a professional. Right now, this motivation letter works only in the sense of the first paragraph. The second paragraph is not that important in the motivational letter and the third paragraph sounds more like lip service to the reader rather than actual motivational points.

Scholarship / To serve my country - UGRAD exchange program why am I a great participant for this program [2]

The first part of the presentation makes you sound like a beauty pageant contestant. You may want to rethink that opening. It doesn't work very well. It is laughable in the wrong way. The first paragraph should be more effective than that. You should use the first paragraph to exemplify the kind of leadership activity you have had in your local community, which would have represented you as a future leader in your country.

You have not presented any information in this essay that actually qualifies you for the program. Your participation in the band as a vocalist would work better in a college application than the cut-throat Global UGrad program. The participants in this program tend to be young civic leaders looking to further expand their leadership abilities and points of view based on an international interaction with the other program participants, host families, and host country.

What is your vision for your country or the vineyard industry you are a part of? How have you contributed to the positive changes in this field? Why do you consider these activities a part of what qualifies you as a candidate for this program? What can you contribute to the program in terms of cultural exchange and world education? How have you proven yourself to be a leader worthy of a chance at international relations exposure? These are some of the terms of the program that you need to consider when you revise your essay.

Your current presentation is not very good. It is more of half presentations that lack in focus and results. You are selling yourself as a dreamer rather than as a doer. While it is not bad to be a dreamer, it is more important to ensure that you sell yourself as someone who can lead, interact with people from diverse backgrounds, and build an international network or relationship that you can take home with you to help you further improve your cause.

Writing Feedback / People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. [4]

In the restatement + response paragraph, the additional task accuracy score and clarity of your opinion consideration will come from the final sentence. You already disagreed with the statement, You already said you were going to give your opinion based on a variety of influential factors. Why didn't you outline these topics for discussion in the same paragraph to help add to the overall conciseness of your presentation. The restatement + response paragraph also serves as your thesis statement for your opinion. So the strength of your opinion, the clarity of your support, comes from the way that you clearly support your opinion with opinion discussion points and then following through in the actual discussion paragraphs.

The discussion presentation is clear in every paragraph and well supported. However, you are scored also on the natural sounding opinion that you present. The discussion needs to flow naturally in terms of word usage. The ease by which the reader can understand your presentation is scored in the GRA section and the LR considerations. When you use words that sound like you are just trying to impress the examiner to get a higher score, you tend to score less. Mostly because the word you have chosen to use does not truly fit the sentence requirement. Words such as habituate, when the term "used to" fits better shows a memorized phrase type of writing. You should try to insert everyday words in your presentation rather than "big words" that tend to remove the ease of sentence presentation to the reader. Additionally, the term "poor" was misused in this presentation. The poor would not have access to the internet, much less have the extra cash to use for online shopping. However, the middle class do have a greater tendency to shop on eBay at a discount. The word reference matters, not just the meaning of the word. Every word has to be used in the proper context, based on a relevant meaning.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of people who used the Internet in three countries between 1999 and 2009 [3]

There is a big difference between the task 1 and task 2 essay writing requirements. The task 1 essay does not require a summary or concluding paragraph. It only requires 3 paragraphs that informs the reader about the data from the image provided. This is unlike the task 2 essay that requires a summary of the previous discussion points. That also means, that the writer should only provide one trending statement in the presentation. There is no need for an "additional" trending statement in the summary overview. There is no need to summarize the essay with another trending statement either. Just integrate those information into the next 2 data reporting paragraphs and your presentation will be more prompt adherent and task accurate.

You did a good job in the second paragraph. You showed a varied sentence and information presentation that remained true to the presentation and summarized the information to help create a concise, but coherent paragraph. However, you should have tried to divide the analysis a bit more to meet the minimum 3 paragraph requirement. That means, creating an additional analysis paragraph at the end rather than the summary paragraph. From what I see in the graph, there were 2 comparison points you could have used. These are the intersection portions of the graph where the line meet at an equal point. These happened in 2002 and, I believe, 2005. Such a paragraph presentation would have resulted in a truly analytical presentation that considered all of the data requirements from the instruction prompt.

Scholarship / My paragraph for applying for a scholarship about experience in Sweden [2]

Do not divide the information in the presentation. Either focus on your company or focus on the UN 2030 Agenda. If you read your response again, you will see that the UN agenda is better discussed than your plans for your company. You will have to decide. Which is your priority? The agenda or advancing your company interest? This is a character limited response statement so you need to make an impression quickly by relevantly discussing the application of information you will be receiving in Sweden in a specific field. My suggestion, is that you remove the personal interest through your company. Why? Well, you fully developed the application of the UN agenda in the presentation in a manner that, I believe uses the knowledge you will be using in a completely relevant manner. The response is relevant when compared to the single line reference you are making to your company in the statement.

Graduate / Innovation and technology projects - GKS Program - Study Plan [2]

There are several paragraphs that need to be removed from this presentation. The first 2 paragraphs do not help to focus directly on your chosen masters course and proposed thesis. The study plan carries more immediate relevance once you start it with the current third paragraph. Referring to your current work position helps the essay at is shows the relevance of the masters course you have chosen along with the relevance of the proposed study focus.

Since you are expected to only infer your possible thesis, as your interests may change during the course of study and in the process, change your thesis focus as well, it would be better to not mention the university website or professors at this point. Either keep the discussion general in reference or, totally remove the paragraph to avoid any confusion later on, should you decide to change your research focus.

You should not repeat your reasons for choosing to study in Korea in the closing statement. It doesn't make sense to do that because you are asked to defend this information in the personal statement. It is important that you do not repeat information, no matter how varied you think it might be, throughout the various essays you have to write for your application. Reviewers do not appreciate redundant information, particularly when it is not relevant to the discussion based on the given discussion instructions.

Scholarship / Masters' in Environmental Science and Engineering - Statement of purpose for GKS program. [2]

The other half of the paragraph 4 content belongs in the study plan. Remove all references to the study of Hangul, TOPIK, and the focus of your thesis project. Those all belong in the Study Plan rather than the personal statement. The reference to these removed the focus from your motivation, something that could irritate the reviewer as you deviated from the prompt instructions, showing an inability to follow simple directions.

The essay itself needs more strength. Due to the inclusion of irrelevant information, you failed to prove that you have the acumen for research and excellence in your chosen masters course. This could be fixed by discussing your college thesis and how you completed it, garnering any awards of note or publication for your thesis would help increase your profile in the proper manner.

The GKS scholarship does not consider the age of the applicant when handing out the scholarship, Mentioning your age and defending it makes the scholarship sound like it is age discriminatory. Remove that paragraph. Remove that reference in the last paragraph along with instructions for referring to your additional documentation. You make the reviewer sound like he doesn't know how to do his job. Avoid being condescending in these types of essays. Be humble, you are not superior to the reviewer at this point so do not make it sound like you are.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Master of Science in Human-Computer Interaction [2]

I wish I had a copy of the prompt requirements that your personal statement has to respond to. As of now, I feel like it is overwhelmingly informative, which can be a bad thing in some cases. That is because reviewers tend to focus only on the information required by the prompts, disregarding the unnecessary information presentations in the essay. So if there is more unrequired than required information in the presentation, the essay you are writing may not help your application progress. Due to the lack of prompt requirements, I am not sure which parts I should advise you to shorten, remove, or rewrite. I am sure you can understand my predicament in this case. Without guidelines, I cannot properly assess your work.

One thing I noticed though is that your internship is the shortest presentation in this essay. Why is that? Since that is also considered a professional experience in some cases, I would have liked to have seen a more in-depth presentation of that section. While I can say that the essay is informative, my only worry, is that it may not be hitting the required discussion points that the university requires of its masters applicants.

Writing Feedback / Participation in cultural activities in Scotland [2]

I cannot properly asses the validity and task appropriateness of your writing without the image to compare it to. Kindly remember to upload the image next time to get a more comprehensive review and assessment of your work from me. All I can provide now are general reviews since there is no image to compare your statements by.

You have started off the presentation summary with a run on sentences. There are 3 different sets of information that you are providing. These are the type of image, the content of the image, and the measurement types. For clarity purposes (C&C) , each of these information should have been provided as individual sentences. The individual sentences would have helped the reader gain a better understanding of the information as you will have allowed a pause between information presentations for the reader to actually understand what is going on rather delivering a continuous reading that ends up confusing the reader.

The run-on sentences seem to be the basic problem of your presentation. It exists in every paragraph, leaving you with a lower than expected GRA and C&C score overall. Remember, your explanations need to be clear and you have to show a range of punctuation and grammar presentation skills to get a good score in these sections. You failed to accomplish that in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1, what nursing graduates did in the UK [4]

This is one of the better written chart comparisons that I have read at this forum. You managed to clearly represent each image in the summary presentation, and also offered a clear trending statement based on the images provided. That efficient presentation alone will be enough to get your scoring started at a higher than passing note.

I have to point out though, that you should not be using phrases such as "As can be seen from the chart" because the reason you are being asked to write this report is because the people reading it do not have access to the given images. This is a written report that summarizes the image information. It is better not to refer to the chart in that way. Rather you could say "Based on the chart information..." in reference to the image information you are providing.

There are very few grammatical errors in your reporting. The examiner will not be stressed out while reading your presentation as your GRA is clear and can easily be followed. You should not have a problem getting a higher than passing score with this type of presentation.

Scholarship / GKS Graduate 2021 - Masters in International Business (Personal Statement) [3]

You have written a general personal statement. One that reflects information that you wish to have the reviewer know about you. The GKS masters scholarship does require a personal statement. However, the reviewers are the ones who provide you with the discussion topics and focus for the personal statement. You have neglected to reflect the requirements based on the required information. The motivation you have for your masters studies are not professionally connected nor academically grounded. The work experience related does not depict the importance of a masters course completion. You do not have a convincing reason for studying in Korea. You do not have any evidence presented in relation to your ability to complete complex research or a keen interest in further advanced studies based on professional interests. This is not an effective personal statement. You must write a totally new one based on the requirements of the GKS scholarship. The instructions for writing can be found in the application packet that you downloaded.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Try hard enough to achieve something [2]

When dealing with TA score considerations, you will notice that the score given is higher when the student provides a direct response to the given question. That is because the clarity of your understanding of the topic, as well as the validity of your opinion is clearly given. This method, the direct response method to be precise, also helps you better outline your discussions by helping you stay on track regarding the discussion. This type of presentation helps prove that you understood, analyzed, and outline the discussion format prior to writing, all of which can help you get a better TA score.

Now, I will applaud you for presenting valid discussion points in every paragraph. You were able to use a transition sentence properly to connect the two discussion points. Although, the grammar of the transition sentence needs work in terms of proper sentence structuring. Regardless, it helped you combine the two differing topics in a manner that connected the discussion in the paragraph.

As for the second reasoning paragraph, there is no sense in using numerical ordinals if you are not going to present a second and last reason within the paragraph. Try to avoid using these numerical ordinals in your presentations. Stick to transition sentences instead. The numerical ordinals do nothing to help your GRA and C&C scores. When you use transition sentences, you further prove your ability to write clearly in the English language, using a connected discussion manner that does not rely on a run-on sentence to present itself.

As for the concluding summary, it is incomplete. You should use the more TA appropriate format that allows you to:
- Restate the topic
- Restate both your reasoning topics
- Close with a summation of your points.

The essay you wrote is alright. I may garner you a passing score. However, I believe that there are still a few points where you can improve your presentation based on scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT? [2]

The complete original prompt for this essay has given you the discussion topics you have to use in the 2 reasoning paragraphs, none of which you used. You did not even refer to the original prompt in your restatement, which means you failed to prove that you understood the topic and how it should be discussed in your written presentation. Going back to the topics you should have used for the reasoning paragraphs based on the original and complete prompt, these should have been:

- Many people prefer to use public transportation while others say that personal cars are the best mode of transportation.
- Excessive use of private cars is considered to be the main reason for the traffic jam in many cities and that's why the use of public transportation is encouraged.

I believe your used the shortened prompt, which does not really provide you with any specific writing points nor proper prompt restatement task requirements. That is why your discussion is not as effective as it would have been, had you used the complete prompt consideration for your writing.

These are the topics you should have used to discuss the pros and cons of public transport. Remember that the original prompt will always supply you with the reasons to use as discussion topics in your reasoning paragraphs. You just have to expand on those reasons. In this case. You not only over wrote the essay (367 words), but you failed to consider the original prompt key points for your discussion. So you wrote a very long essay, but failed to address the prompt as expected.

I would have to point out, just the same, that your cons for public transport is not as well developed as your pro discussion. By the way, try to write no more than 5 sentences per paragraph, that would mean that you would not run out of writing time based on the 40 minute time limit. You should be able to present concise discussions, without overstating information because, as you can see, writing a long essay that does not use any of the original prompt considerations could be problematic for your essay.

Writing Feedback / CBEST writing - individual efforts to improve environment and preserve the planet [3]

I am just wondering why you are using an IELTS Task 2 essay prompt for the CBEST practice essay writing. The topics used and audience target for CBEST essays are not the same as the IELTS essays so I am afraid that you may be practicing in the wrong manner. The CBEST essay prompts are totally different from what you have used as the CBEST practice essays engage you in writing for a specific or target audience. This is not the same manner that an IELTS prompt is written in. There are free CBEST prompts available online, I suggest you use those instead of the IELTS practice prompts. Anyway, I will do my best to review your essay in a general manner as I cannot apply the CBEST criteria on this prompt. I will do that next time, when you use a CBEST prompt for your essay practice.

This is a pretty good written discussion. It covers all the bases in proving that you strongly agree with the opposing discussion topic. You were able to clearly defend your stance, provide appropriate examples to support your claims, and make proper representations regarding why your opinion is acceptable to a large extent. That said, this would get an excellent score if you were taking an IELTS test. As for the CBEST, the scoring criteria is different so I cannot say the same for that test. You are not writing for a specific audience in this case, only yourself, so that is the biggest problem I have in reviewing this paper. The prompt failed to make you follow the CBEST writing standards.

Graduate / Personal Ethical Dilemma essay for graduate school [2]

First up, never use the real names of people you know in the essay to protect their privacy. Yes, there are privacy concerns when writing essays as it relates to other people. Which is why you have to avoid mentioning their names in your paper. You can use generic terms like my friend, her parents, etc. to protect their privacy.

Second, I got to know more about your friend and her modelling career in this essay more than I learned about you. I also got to know her parents quite well and the culture and traditions, plus social norms of India, which took up more space than the actual dilemma discussion. That should not be the case. I have to know more about you first, and the dilemma second, with Saloni and her family taking third place in this presentation. This is more a friendship dilemma than an ethical dilemma based on your presentation. So I do not believe this works better for your essay response. It is a mistake to use this topic.

Rather, consider something truly ethical in reference. Something along the lines of a choice between academic honesty and dishonesty, personal honor, an oath you took that you are being forced to break, or anything similar. You can find other ethical dilemma references online if you need further assistance regarding topic choices. I would not use this essay at all. The focus is not on you but on your friend, that is the main problem with the presentation.

Scholarship / The kindness of strangers - Scholarship essay about financial need [2]

Balance the focus between financial need and the intended long term career path. You have over focused on your financial need, without including any reference of note to your career path. A better approach to this essay would be to integrate how you have managed to prepare for college, even as you have been financially strapped over the past years. Then explain how being financially strapped actually helped you develop a career path for yourself. Talk of your dreams and ambitions within a specific field and title, you cannot just refer to the animation industry because that is not the course that you will be studying in college. Talk about how the completion of the course will push your professional ambitions, while also helping improve your personal lot in life. Try to develop both topics equally because right now, only the need for a scholarship has been developed. You are missing the second part of the presentation completely.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the percentage of Australian exports to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012 [2]

Due to security concerns, we refrain from accessing exterior images and advise fellow users not to access images that are located off our forum server. We will not be held liable for any ransomware, malware, adware, or viruses that might infect any users systems due to offline access of images or clicking of exterior links. I will assess your work based on what you have posted on our server alone. Please make the effort to upload the image with your post next time. Otherwise,you will receive an incomplete review of your work once again.

Always give a complete summary overview. List the countries or other information listed in the graph whenever possible. In this case, you mentioned 4 countries, then China as one of them in the trending statement. This will lead the reader to ask early on, "What are the other 3 nations?" It will always be best for you to outline the information sources in the summary, that includes the listing of information, without including any actual data yet. However, the measurement type, be it percentage, a survey, or whatever, will always be appreciated by the reader as a part of a complete summary overview.

The rest of your paragraph presentations are just long sentences. These do nothing for your GRA score. It does not represent a proper simple and complex sentence mix. Only a merging of separate ideas into 1 sentence, which does not help to add clarity to the presentation. If you are using only comma presentations to separate ideas, this does not prove that you have an actual knowledge of how to use various punctuation marks in a sentence. You need to show an ability to use more than just a period, comma, and percentage sign in the presentation. Additionally, it is always best to use the minimum 3 sentence presentation so that all the information you present will be clear and individualized for the reader's understanding.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows how elderly people in Europe spent their free time between 1980 and 2010 [2]

In the summary overview, the sentence prior to your trending statement should have been the enumeration of the 6 activities listed in the graph. This will be the earlier mention of the activities, which will help the reader better understand what information is contained in the graph and how it relates to the trending statement that you presented.

The second paragraph is acceptable in terms of delivering a summarized highlight report of the graph. However, there are not enough comparison points to refer to the portions of the graph where there are overlapping information or meeting points for similar measurements. At least one reference to that point would have helped you better meet the "make comparisons where relevant" requirement.

The report itself is already worthy of a passing score on all counts. It meets most of the requirements of the task 1 essay. One concern of mine though, is that you have written 203 words for an essay that requires only 175-190 words. The essay itself must be completed within 20 minutes which is why the more conservative word count is always advised. You always should leave a pocket of time, at least 10 minutes, to review the essay for improvement points, corrections, and deletions (if required). Although you may be able to type fast, it is not the number of words that will get you a better score in the task 1 essay. It is the better analysis of the data and, lack of errors as per each scoring consideration that can help you do that. You can achieve that through proof reading your essay prior to submission. Hence the time allowance for editing the essay content.

Letters / Letter of Motivation for Erasmus Mundus Scholarship. EMOTION Master Program. [3]

The presentation is strong enough but lacking in reference as to what theoretical, practical, and analytical skills you can bring to the program. How do you see yourself contributing to the learning of your classmates? What type of research are you interested in that could force the university say, further widen its teaching field in this course or, allow for other internship programs during the course? Your unique interests in the field, and your desire to pursue this as a student can add quality to the contribution you can make to the masters course. Aside from this missing point, I believe the essay is strong enough. That is where the problem lies. In order to include a full explanation of what you can bring to the course, you will need to shorten some portions of this presentation. Which sections and how you will shorten these I will leave up to you as I would not want to accidentally cause problems in your information presentation by instructing you on which sections to shorten. All I can tell you is, choose wisely.

Undergraduate / Why to become a Sonographer? [2]

The first paragraph doesn't really focus on the needed content. The reviewer will not be interested in reading that paragraph. It would be better if you start with the second paragraph instead. Just revise the first sentence to somehow immediately relate to your interest in Sonography and why you love the occupation. The rest of of the essay sounds more like you giving the reviewer a lecture on Sonography rather than you explaining the development of your interest in the field and how you hope to make a difference in it. Use less of the flowery job description and focus more on why you believe you would be an excellent sonographer. Did you ever shadow a doctor, sonographer, or any type of medical frontliner whose influence could have furthered your interest in the field? As a reviewer, I need to see more of how your interest developed and where you think this career might take you in the future. Sure the compassion for others be important. Your ability to make the patients feel good is also notable. However, I do not get an understanding of what this career could hold for your future.

Writing Feedback / Animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans [4]

After a meeting with the forum administrators and careful consideration of your explanation, they decided to exempt this post from the single response allowance from the Educational Consultant. I was instructed to review your paper and give you advice as it may not prove to be too problematic for you to receive advice from me. This is a one time deal. The final decision, as to whether I will continue to guide your learning or not really depends upon you.

The main reason why I advise my students to either present a personal opinion for each public opinion or create a separate paragraph for their personal opinion is simple. You are scored on the clarity of your opinion as a part of the TA score. Therefore, you need to clearly explain how you came to decide on your opinion based on factors, considerations, examples, and your understanding of the public opinion. If you choose to give a personal opinion for each public opinion, you deliver a comparative personal opinion to the examiner based on each of the public opinion. Clearly showing how and why you came to your opinion for each presentation and meeting the "discuss both views and give your opinion" in a short but efficient form.

If you opt to use the single opinion presentation, then you show a clear support for one public opinion based on additional information coming from your personal knowledge or experience, which will help further show your increased understanding of the topic and, your ability to explain your opinion in English. It also shows that you analyzed both discussion points and weighed the validity of each argument, thus leading you to decide on a specific public opinion to support.

Either discussion presentation is acceptable in the Task 2 essay.

For me, it is important that my students increase their TA score because that section alone can help you get a passing score if written correctly. I know other tutors believe otherwise but my students have regularly gotten above the 7 mark, with some of them achieving the 9 score depending upon their English fluency and, because of our focus on what I believe to be the most crucial scoring factors in the IELTS test.

I am not saying the person whose opinions you read is wrong, I am just saying that what I teach is different and works for the students whom I teach. As for who you should listen to, that is a personal opinion that I cannot help you with.

In my opinion, you totally skipped a reasoning paragraph in this presentation. You spoke of animals should not be exploited, based on the public opinion. So that is reasoning paragraph 1. Where is reasoning paragraph 2 that explains why others believe that it is necessary to use animals for specific means? You cannot discuss that as a personal opinion immediately because of the prompt requirement that indicates a separate discussion point for that reason:

...others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.

You will indeed receive a lower TA score because your response is incomplete. Not only because you failed to explain, as a part of your personal opinion, why animals should have rights similar to humans, but because you failed to address the other public point of view explanation in your body of paragraphs. My point of view is that this should have been a 3 reasoning paragraph essay, totaling 5 paragraphs. If you look at the instructions, the number of reasoning paragraphs was clearly indicated:

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

If you analyze the instruction, the reasoning paragraphs are:

Par. 1: First public POV
Par. 2: Second public POV
Par. 3: Personal opinion that considers the 2 public discussion reasons in its statement.

The clarity of the discussion paragraphs becomes clearer to the examiner, your TA approach is properly formatted, and your C&C presentation will show a direct connection between the 3 paragraphs once you use proper transition sentences at the end of each topic discussion.

Again, this is based on the way I teach and not any one else's teaching method. If this is not the method that you learned from the other person and you feel that my approach is not the right approach, then please, do follow the other approach. I am not forcing you learn my method as you might continue to get confused by trying to listen to and follow opposing instructions. Use whichever writing method you believe will help you score better and will be more prompt responsive in the end.

Writing Feedback / Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? [3]

The TA score for the first paragraph is always based on the accuracy of your restatement. As such, you are not to present any opinions of your own such as:

- In today's world, our lives have become very sedentary, in the homes and even at our work places.
- Easily available fast foods i... carried out daily.

These 2 pieces of information are not required nor a part of the original presentation. These remove the accuracy of your prompt restatement as these are personal opinions that should be discussed in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. The less accurate your prompt restatement is, the more unlike the original your information representation is, the lesser you will be scored due to 2 possible reasons:

- inappropriate restatement format
- Irrelevant response to the given prompt

Either errors applied to your score will result in a less than passing TA score for you. A more appropriate restatement would have been:

Due to the international outbreak of fatness, it has become all the important to address this growing concern. In order to arrest this situation certain steps can be taken by both the public and the government. The public could help solve the issue by ... While the government can implement...

Always outline your discussion topics because this will help the examiner assess your degree of English comprehension skills and vocabulary resource. The reasoning paragraphs will then be easier for you to write because you know exactly what you will be discussing in each paragraph, rather than using a redundant discussion as you did in this essay. Never start your opinion discussion in the restatement paragraph, that is what causes the lack of clarity and problem in discussion development in the actual reasoning paragraphs.

The conclusion must never contain additional discussion information. There is a reason that is called the reverse paraphrase. That part of the test forces you to show your LR and GRA skills as you are made to summarize the original prompt and reasoning paragraphs in this section, to bring the discussion to a close. If you introduce new information, you instead create an open ended discussion, which can affect your TA score.

Writing Feedback / HOSTING INTERNATIONAL SPORTS EVENT - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [2]

In the first paragraph, you were able to address the topic restatement covering the 2 points of view in the first sentence. It was the discussion instruction part that you were not able to properly represent as:

Due to these varying opinions, I will have to carefully consider both sides of the discussion and offer an idea as to why I support or do not support the stated point of view.

Or

Based on these reasons, I find that I support the opinion that____________ mainly because (state your reason).

Either format will work for the restatement because both offers a clear take on how you will be discussing the topics and how you intend to present your point of view in the discussion paragraphs.

You have to remember that for each point of view, you need to present the public opinion before you state your personal opinion. Usually, the reasons for the public opinion are provided in the original prompt. If not, then you should find a reason to support the public opinion. Explain the public point of view because the prompt says "some people" and "while others". This means that you have to use some public presentation first before you present your opinion. Your opinion should always be based on the public opinion explanation that you have provided. What you did here was set the essay up as a personal point of view presentation, rather than a public comparison discussion with a personal point of view. The latter is, the more appropriate approach to the discussion since you are scored on the clarity of your opinion. Once you establish how your opinion is based on the public explanation, your C&C score will be increased.

As for your LR problems, the only way you can improve your vocabulary is to read more English works. There are many opinion columns being written in free to access online newspapers from the USA and the UK. If you can read more opinion columns, not only will your approach to essay writing improve, but you will also be able to improve your vocabulary by taking note of words you do not understand then looking up the word meaning in the dictionary, while also learning alternative references by learning the synonym words for it. All of these, as a learning process, can help you improve your LR and GRA scores.

Scholarship / Personal Statement Fulbright Scholarship (Master's degree program in Mining Engineering) [2]

This essay only covers the information regarding your undergraduate course, special interest, and practical experience. It does not contain any reference to your future career plans as influenced by your decision to become a Fulbright masters scholar. While there are covered parts in this presentation based on the prompt requirements, I cannot say that these information are impressive enough to help you make it past the consideration round. The information is lacking overall because you summarized almost all aspects of the presentation rather than highlighting the abilities, skills, and interests that you have, which have helped you set out a career path for the future.

The presentation is too simplistic, does not completely inform the reviewer, and fails to create a career path towards your future, on the basis of helping your country upon your return. This is an essay that is good as a draft, but is not going to be helpful if you submit it. You need to have a more in-depth presentation overall and, more specifically. needs to present a logical career path for you upon your return home.

Writing Feedback / The table gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries [4]

Try to not leave the trending statement for the very end. Although you can place the trending statement anywhere in the essay, it works best to improve your TA score when you add it to the summary overview.

Do not use adverbs like "especially" at the start of a sentence. This is incorrect word usage since "especially" is often used as a connecting word to help relate 2 ideas in one sentence. Once there is no previous thought presented, the adverb should not be used as a sentence starter. Additionally, the phrase is "On the contrary", not In the contrary". Do not use English phrases you are not familiar with as incorrect usage could affect your LR and GRA scores.

Letters / [KGSP SCHOLARSHIP] GRADUATE PROGRAM - MASTER IN COMPUTER SCIENCE - Letter of Recommendation [3]

Give a simple background of your professor at the start. A formal introduction is necessary with regards to your professor as the reviewer needs to gauge his authority in writing the letter. By the way, it could help if he mentions the GPA you got in his class, provided it is related to the masters course you are applying for before mentioning your skills and qualifications as a student. The GPA mention should help catch the eye of the reviewer and consider your abilities, skills, and talents more seriously. He should make more mention of the laboratory achievements in relation to the specific requirement in your personal statement that asks you to prove that you have the ability and interest to do research. By having a professor back up that statement, it enhances that portion of your personal statement for consideration. Remove the references to "Ana". The professor knows that he must keep an academic tone so he has to refer to you as "Ms." so and so.

Writing Feedback / Animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans [4]

Different teachers have different writing styles that they teach their students. I teach differently from the person you consulted. My way works for the students here, who do not consult with other IELTS examiners / tutors. They learn my way, they pass using my way, with the highest possible scores based on my writing method. Since you already have a tutor for your IELTS test, you should learn only his way of writing. Do not confuse yourself by trying to learn 2 different writing styles. Only your score and your writing skills will suffer. Now, knowing that you already have a tutor on hand, I cannot give you advise regarding your current essay. The last thing I want to do is confuse you and make you second guess how you should write your essay. Follow your teacher. I am not going to come in while you are learning how to handle these tests, give you different advise, and leave you confused. Follow the teacher whom you think will give you the better score. In this case, you have already learned from someone else, do not go looking to change your writing formula at this point. It would be detrimental to your learning process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TEST II, SEVERAL LANGUAGES DIE OUT [3]

You gave the right discussion topic but the wrong reason in your prompt restatement. For comparison purposes:

OT: EVERY YEAR SEVERAL LANGUAGES DIE OUT.
YT: With the development of globalization, non-dominated languages are being neglected and gradually drift away in history.

The original topic has nothing to do with the globalization of languages. You have created a different discussion topic from the original. There will be a TA deduction applied.

OR: SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE LIFE WILL BE EASIER IF THERE ARE FEWER LANGUAGES IN THE WORLD.
YR: the benefits of having a fewer number of languages still outweigh the disadvantages.

Another TA deduction due to incorrect reasoning representation. Your prompt restatement does not reflect the original prompt requirements. Therefore, you have created your own discussion topic, which resulted in a prompt deviation. Your TA will receive a failing score and prevent you from receiving an overall passing score at the end of the scoring total.

The reasoning overview in your prompt restatement could have saved your TA score a little bit if you had listed the 3 reasons for your "general agreement" with the given statement. In effect, the examiner has no idea if you actually understood the original discussion presentation and just made a mistake in the restatement, or if you totally did not have an understanding of the topic. That is why it is important to outline the discussion topics as you would in a thesis statement. In this case, there was no way of saving your TA score due to the incorrect rephrasing and lack of topic outline that could have shown a relation to the original discussion.

Your 1st reasoning discussion tend to deviate from the original discussion as well. What does tax money have to do with languages? Nothing. Not in the sense that the original prompt required. Your 2nd reasoning is somewhat related to the discussion so the presentation is acceptable.

You are not really outlining your discussion points before making a proper draft discussion. The third paragraph continues your prompt deviation discussion, which will further decrease your chances of even getting near to a passing score. Then your conclusion is less than 40 words or 3 sentences, another TA problem that will pull down your score. I have not even gotten into your GRA, C&C, and LR problems with this essay and already you have managed to fail the test.

I know this is your first try at writing this essay. Which is why I am direct to the point when it comes to your errors. Most first timers always neglect to appropriately follow the TA requirements of the essay, which is why the presentation always fails. You need to better understand, through proper analysis of the original prompt, how the discussion essay should flow. The outline I used above is something that can help you achieve a proper TA score to at least, get your writing off to a passing score start.

Research Papers / Peer Review for Cyber Bullying Research Project/Essay [2]

The essay feels like it is starting in the middle of the presentation due to the improper thesis paragraph formatting. You have placed in-text citations or paraphrasing within that paragraph, that resulted in a lack of proper topic introduction for your thesis statement. As far as I can tell, there is no clear thesis statement, research method, and potential results being presented in that paragraph. It is only an immediate discussion that disregarded the academic content of the introduction paragraph / thesis statement of your research paper. Therefore, a prior paragraph should be created as a proper introduction to the topic based on either your personal experience with bullying, observations about several types of bullying, or a general statement regarding the effects of bullying on both children and adults in terms of their environment environment (school for children, the workplace for adults) in relation to the 4 aspects that you have researched. The presentation is too one sided and only focused on child to teen bullying, a more complete bullying research paper must include adult bullying in the workplace, in a social setting, and other situations, just as you did for children in your paper.

You claim that the paper is about cyber bullying. Yet you are discussing 4 areas of bullying, not all of which relate to cyber bullying. Only the verbal abuse seems to apply in this case. Cyber bullying is a totally new aspect of bullying, which is not covered in your research paper. Your paper pertains to the known methods of bullying and contains very little in cyber bullying attributes. If the focus is on cyber bullying then research on that topic alone. Do not confuse the reader by referring to cyber bullying but then referring to other forms of bullying instead.

Scholarship / [KGSP SCHOLARSHIP] GRADUATE PROGRAM - MASTER IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION - Student from Public Schools [5]

The first paragraph is formatted in a manner more relevant to the GKS-U application. That said, the paragraph can be deleted without affecting the rest of the relevant information contained in your writing. When you are asked to discuss your education, the reference point is your undergraduate studies in relation to your career path. From the undergraduate studies, you can discuss how you applied what you learned in your profession, which led to your realization that you require international training and academic learning to further improve in your current career and give you a better future career path.

Your reason for studying in Korea must be profession based since you are a masters degree candidate. You are using undergraduate reasons for your decision to study in the country, which has weakened your presentation and created a non-related reason for your decision to study the masters course in Korea. Try to find some Law related reasons for your interest instead.

The weakest point of this personal statement is the lack of reference to your skills in relation to graduate study requirements. There is a lack of representation when it comes to depicting your ability to do complex research, your passion for the masters course you are interested in studying, and a desire to further improve your career based on your motivating factors.

Overall, this is not a personal statement that will get past the screening round. Unless you can strengthen the content as I indicated, this will not even garner a second consideration from the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Maths/Comp Sci Waterloo AIF; discuss your interest in your chosen program(s) [2]

Your educational goals are quite impressive. However, your decision to enroll in Waterloo is commonplace. It does not carry any extra ordinary reasons for choosing the university that other students will not have laid claim to in their presentation. If you could find some deeper reasons for choosing the university, other than the Hackathon and largest computer science department, then your response would probably stand out from the pack of applicants. Try to refer to some accomplishments of the university int he field of computer programming, or wanting to follow in the footsteps of notable graduates whose accomplishments you can mention as having started at Waterloo. The response is good, but it doesn't stand out to make your application memorable. That is what I am looking for as a reviewer, a strong and compelling reason to remember the application statement of this student in relation to his educational goals and reason for choosing my university.

Letters / Motivation Letter draft for EMECS program / Electronics and Communication Engineering [2]

The academic path you have taken is very well threshed out in this essay. In fact, it became the only focus of your presentation. Which negated the motivational aspect of your discussion. What is your personal motivation for higher academic pursuits in this line? How will that personal motivation relate to your academic requirements? What is the career path that has motivated you to follow this line of study? These are aspects that directly relate to your strong motivational desires in relation to the course. Try to explain what sort of career you hope to enter into upon completion of the course. You have presented all of the information except, the actual motivation.

It is not enough to fully recognize the challenges of the course. It is not enough that you want to address these requirements in relation to your education. Even when it comes to choosing the universities, you fail to address the career motivation aspect of your choices. Sure the academic curriculum counts, but how do these studies relate to your career path? What is the professional motivation for the course choices and university picks?

Scholarship / I am writing for my NTU scholarship essay, "Practice Makes Perfect". [3]

Your approach to the discussion is incorrect. Sure Kobe Bryant was an idol to millions, but he does not represent personal values and beliefs that you hold strongly to. If you believe in these things, because of the influence of someone else as opposed to you believing in these things based on character building references, then you are not on the right path within your response.

You do not represent any actual belief or values in this essay. Had you been asked "Discuss something of value or importance to you" then you could have used this prompt. If you have the chance to replace the prompt, then replace the prompt and use this essay. Use the prompt I previously described. If you cannot, then you have to change the total essay, making it focus on a related belief and value system instead.

Graduate / LOM for Erasmus Mundus E-Pico Program (Views, ideas, anything) [2]

It would be better if you reverse the presentation of your letter. Since this is a motivation letter, the reviewer will automatically look for the motivation in the first paragraph. So, you should revise your 3rd paragraph to become the opening statement, supported by the information that you are already a previous EM scholar. These are the 2 pieces of information that will allow you to garner the interest of the reviewer and impress him enough with regards to the implied qualifications that you have, as a previous EM scholar.

Once you have presented the information of value, the rest of your qualifications and motivations become secondary to the presentation. It will be noted by the reviewer, but not really make much of a difference to your motivational letter when compared to the 1st paragraph that is composed of the hook and EM scholarship reference.

Essays / Struggling for Perseverance Essay [4]

You do not necessarily have to connect the discussion with your interest in computer science. This is actually a character prompt. It is asking you to prove that you have the patience and tenacity that is required of a college student. You can use any sort of situation that you found yourself requiring to persevere. It does not have to be related to programming. However, you should be able to relate that experience with an enlightenment regarding your desire undertake this course. Explain how your career path was shaped by the perseverance that you had to implement during this task. Yes, it can be work related. Detail oriented work would be better to present so that you can somehow relate that your career path. However, if you do not have any such experience, then do not force yourself to make something up. It will be highly difficult for you to do so. You can still use the simple perseverance story, provided you can explain how it opened your mind to the need for you to use programming to automate your work.