Scholarship / WHAT THE YOUNGER GENERATION NEED - JOURNALISM, AN ESSAY FOR TURKIYE SCHOLARSHIPS [3]

The first paragraph doesn't work to move the essay forward. You only created an unrelated paragraph that does not explain anything in relation to why you chose to study in Turkey, why the scholarship is important to you, or any of the other required information. To reduce your word count, totally remove that paragraph.

The essay is forgot to explain why you chose to study in Turkey. Beyond the reference to Indonesia and Turkey sharing a long history and seeing the country as a multicultural bridge, there is a failure to actually discuss how studying in Turkey will help expand your interest and educate you based on your chosen masters course. You are focusing too much on your relevant experience and background, without considering how these tie in with your interest in Turkey as the center of your education, based on your chosen masters course.

Writing Feedback / Women are usually under-represented in STEM fields. Explain the reasons and give solutions. [2]

You cannot claim that gender discrimination has been a problem "throughout centuries" as the claim regarding gender discrimination is a 20th century ideology. Do not exaggerate your claims as these change the essence of the original presentation. Also, while it is a "debatable" topic, you cannot claim that it is "controversial" as there is nothing controversial about it. It has not been a part of a prolonged public dispute yet. Do not sensationalize your presentations. That removes the academic tone of your presentation and shows that you would rather focus on "vocabulary" rather than an essentially educated presentation of your discussion. Aim for academic discussions instead of fake news type presentations. You score better when focusing on academic opinions and discussion presentations.

Do not make factual claims in any presentation unless you can cite an actual source of that information. It is better to assume information instead by saying "To the best of my knowledge" or "As far as I know..", creating an academic, but personal data presentation that does not require fact-checking. You really tend to make sensationalist claims in this essay which truly remove from the academic opinion presentation. Are you sure that your claims are undeniable? There will always be people who will claim otherwise and have evidence to disprove your "undeniable" claim. Stop being sensational. Be academic, use an even and educated tone. You are not writing for a tabloid audience, you are writing for an educated set of people who do not take kindly to this kind of writing.

Writing Feedback / Artificially intelligent robots at every workplace. IELTS writing part II. Give your opinion type. [2]

You have to frame the opinion you are presenting in the first person presentation format. The prompt clearly asks you for your opinion so, this is one case when you must use first person pronouns, since no other opinions are required for the discussion. The presentation you used serves a "general" purpose, meaning it does not necessarily reflect your opinion. This is made clear by your last sentence in the first paragraph which is:


This created the general presentation discussion. The more appropriate response would have been a direct representation of your opinion at the end. Something along the lines of,:

While most people believe this to be true, I find myself in disagreement with them because I believe that...

Always use a direct response when dealing with the question provided. This will serve as your thesis statement, which will be the total basis of your opinion presentation / defense / reasoning in the remaining 2 body paragraphs prior to the concluding summary of information. For this particular writing type, you can use the comparative essay format since there is no agree or disagree question to be responded to.

Your discussion in the first paragraph is well presented. The second paragraph needs more work. The example you gave and the explanation needs more work to convince the reader of this point of view. You should have added information as to why robots will fail to do the work due to human nuances. Your vocabulary usage is on point. No problems there. You obviously have a good grasp of the language. It shows in your sentence and paragraph formations.

Overall, this isn't a bad essay. It is just the improper format, the general opinion, rather than the personal opinion, that affected the presentation. Next time, use the correct pronouns, as required by the presentation. In this case, the first person personal pronouns were sorely missed.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of total residents in India, China, USA and Japan with prediction for 2050 [3]

You know what? This is an example of a well reported chart. The only missing element is the lack of a proper identification of the image provided. You were given a bar chart, not just a chart. The image description needs to be specific because the reader will try to create a mental picture of the information you are providing. So being image specific can really help in that aspect. You did a good job in the summary, save for the incomplete image description. For a 160 word essay, you were able to present the necessary information, comparisons, and predictions. This is the kind of essay that focused, as best as it could, on the clarity of the information presentation rather than the word count. You did a very good job. It is clear, concise, and worthy of more than just a passing score.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR GEOSCIENCE MASTER DEGREE, BRUNEI DARUSSALAM GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP (BDGS) [2]

What is the purpose of your thesis research? How do you see this contributing to the study of volcanology and/or earth science in the future? Why did you decide to focus on this line of study? What experiences led to this? The study plan needs to be longer and the purpose, needs to be better explained. I know that you are at the 200 word mark at this point so you will have your work cut out for you when it comes to editing your essay.

For starters, lose the opening paragraph. You are repeating your background unnecessarily. When writing a word limited response, always open with a direct subject related to one of the required discussion topics. That way you do not lose word space in relation to presenting the study plan and research proposal. The last paragraph also poses the same problem. Use the second paragraph as the first paragraph in the revised presentation. Then work on a more definitive discussion of the study plan in relation to your research. Use one paragraph for each topic. That should be more than sufficient to create a more interesting and informative essay for your application.

Letters / Education Policies for Global Development - GLOBED Erasmus Mundas Scholarship- Motivation Letter [3]


You will need to discuss the courses of interest to you with specifics along with the university of choice. Your proposed thesis would also help in this aspect to show how your motivation is based on a well rounded understanding of the courses offered during both years and its applicability to your work through the thesis. You should also represent your academic motivation based on the curriculum of the universities you have chosen, which also allows you to explain the motivation for your studies in the universities and the European countries.

The essay is too generalized in presentation. You should be more specific in your essay based upon the prompt requirements. Review the discussion requirements again and adjust your content to reflect the missing or incomplete discussion points.

Undergraduate / Second Bachelor's Statement for Linguistics - Flow and Cohesion [3]

Since this is a secondary college major, you should be focused on using your professional experiences to better explain the reasons for your interest in Linguistics. Your background is too undergraduate focused so it doesn't really help create the relevant explanation of why a secondary degree would be helpful to your career. You should use only specific information from this essay to create a more proper secondary college major proposal. These paragraphs are, in order of relevance and requirement:

Par. 1: I would like to pursue a bachelor's degree in Linguistics to ... and comparative linguistics. I was fortunate ... clarification of the topic.

Par. 2: I would like to deepen...which I was enrolled. While my chance ... to fascinate me

Par. 3: After being required ...my participation on campus. In my last ...skills into practice.

Par. 4: I feel that the University of ... University of ____ as well.

Expand on these given paragraphs to give a better focus to the clarity of the second degree and its importance.

Writing Feedback / Should there be any limits of amount of years a teacher may teach the same subject or grade level? [4]

Your first sentence is an exaggeration that does not lend itself to an educated discussion based on a readership base of your peers. This will be read by educated individuals, possibly teachers, who do not see this as a controversial issue. In fact, it was not referred to as such in the original discussion instruction. So why did you feel the need to exaggerate rather than simply discuss the topic? Why are you approaching this as an IELTS Task 2 presentation for that matter? Your format does not make sense. It does not base itself on the CBEST discussion format.

Your explanations are not well supported with proper reasoning and examples. Combining 2 different reasons in one paragraph, without properly explaining connecting and discussing each, in a related manner means that you are only partly successful in explaining yourself throughout the task. Your presentation is not effective due to the weak explanations. Your response approach is basically incorrect. Do not confuse the CBEST with the Task 2 IELTS essay. There is a big difference in the formatting requirements for each test. Familiarize yourself with the CBEST writing format before you proceed to write another practice response essay.

Undergraduate / Educational Goals & Interests; Digital Media & Computer Science [2]

The presentation is clear and shows a definite interest in the individual programs as both individual courses and, a combined specialization for yourself that would create a unique undergraduate course for you. One that appeals to a specific field of computer science and graphics. The response is strong, made weak only by the sudden insertion of the MathSoc and Hackathon reference. It kind of came out of nowhere and did not really include itself in the previous discussion points. I believe that you can remove that sentence so that the statement does not have a sudden change in focus. Rather, it will remain razor sharp in showing the relationship of the two courses, in a manner that would be of interest to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Scared of driving - CBEST- Identify an obstacle you have faced in your life [2]

Okay. I noticed that towards the middle part of the essay, you lost your focus on the topic you had presented, which was your fear of driving as being an obstacle to you getting to your university earlier. You somehow forgot that part when you stated that your fear was actually dying, without relating it to driving. In order to make this discussion clearer, you have to make sure that your 2 obstacles are proper connected from the beginning. In this case, your obstacle should have been presented as:

I have a fear of dying in a car accident. Therefore, learning how to drive became an obstacle for me.

By giving the reason for the obstacle at the start, the overall discussion would have been clearer. Your presentation actually ends up a bit muddled and difficult to understand at some points because of your reference to terms that do not relate to the overall sentence or paragraph presentation such as "Fewer and then".

You need to learn how to keep the obstacle and the reason together when referencing "fear of death" in the essay. You often focus on just death, without incorporating the "obstacle" in the discussion. This creates a fork in the discussion, separating the two topics, and making the actual obstacle confusing to the reader. Always unite the obstacle and the reason in the discussion to keep the clarity of the discussion presentation for the reader.

Writing Feedback / STUDY FOOD SCIENCE, SHOULD OR NOT? DISCUSS. [2]

You have to be able to tell the difference between a debate, a discussion, an opinion, and a thought process when you read the original prompt presentations. These differences, when properly identified and referenced in your restatement, will allow you to gain a better TA score as you will be able to show not only English comprehension skills, but an analytical skill that allows you to identify differences in idea presentations. In this case, when the original prompt refers to "some people think" and "other people think", the two sides are not referring to a controversy. Rather the phrases indicate a difference in thought presentation or opinion. Therefore, the correct reference word should relate to synonyms for the thought or opinion presentation.

The biggest problem in this presentation is the missing 3rd paragraph that should have referred to the development of your personal opinion explanation. That is presented individually, after a comparison of the 2 public points of view as you are still required to offer a completely developed explanation for your reason, which must support one of the two points of view. The conclusion is not the place for that. The conclusion should be used as a mere closing summary of the previous discussion topic, reasoning points, and your personal opinion. These should cover 3 sentences at the very least.

Scholarship / Why did you choose the Master of Taxation at the University of Sydney? AAS Supporting Statement [2]

Since this is a word limited response, you need to balance the presentation to reflect a proper discussion for all 3 reference points. That means, you must summarize the first paragraph. Make it quick. You are over explaining and losing the interest of the reviewer. Start with :

quote=Stephan] I am passionate to learn t... the Contact Centre.[/quote]
Use that as the hook to reel in the reviewer. Since this is an Australian scholarship, you should open with a reference to Australia more than anything else. After that presentation, you can summarize the problem the Indonesian government has and you are looking to help resolve the issue.

The University of Melbourne discussion is developed enough as it shows a clear alignment with your country's programs and your goals. The same cannot be said for the alternate university choice. How do you anticipate that the courses will help you gain an analytical approach to the revitalization of the center? Why would the research help sharpen your thinking? How do these information become relevant to the course you chose and how it applies to your career path?

Undergraduate / My Application Essay for Fashion School in New York [2]

You should definitely write more since you still have the space to do so. The essay was fantastic in terms of introducing who you are to the reviewer, although the first sentence tends to be choppy and a bit difficult to understand (you can revise that for clarity purposes), the "perfect candidate" part is where you kind of fell short in the presentation. You were off to a good start towards the end of your essay when you said FIT aligns with everything you believe in and strive to be. Then, nothing. You stopped talking at the most important part of the essay. Proceed with the discussion. What does FIT stand for that you also represent? What values, beliefs, or core foundations do you share with the university? How do these information help make you the perfect candidate? Expand the discussion points. It will help give the essay a more complete feel and actual response to the primary question being asked.

Scholarship / An ardent passion for the electric energy industry. Erasmus program motivation letter 2021 [2]

Remove the link to the article. Believe me, the reviewer isn't going to read it. Your narration should tell him all he needs to know about the crisis that led to your change in career path. By the way, you started the narration with a story about having lived with your parents without electricity for 2 years and that they looked to you for a solution to the family problem. Don't leave the reader hanging, explain how you solved that problem before you delve into the incubator issue, or remove that reference altogether as it affects the fluidity of the presentation in that paragraph.

The content is not as notable as it can be, but that is expected since this is a career change motivational letter. Is it good enough to use? With the revisions in place, it can be. Is it memorable enough? Not really as it does not have any true stand out points that can prove your change in career path and your existing theoretical and practical skills have prepared you for the course you are motivated to learn about. Will this essay help your application after you revise it? That remains to be seen.

Scholarship / Security and gender - Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Personal Statement [2]

I feel like there is a missing link in this presentation. As this is a personal statement, it has to contain the development of your interest in security as it applies to gender. This could have been better defined or highlighted within your extra curricular activities or, points of study as an undergraduate. I do not feel like you have shed enough light on the relationship of the two to prove that there is a connection and that you know how to connect the two within a professional concept. How does terrorism relate to gender studies? How did you find that connection? Do you think enough attention has been paid to it or not? Your research papers are good, but fails to show the "gender" part of the interest so I believe you need to work more on defining your unique course of interest. Right now, you have more support for the terrorism aspect and almost none of the gender aspect. Relate the two through a combined personal insight, then highlight how your current undergraduate course helped shed light on that interest, which made you pursue the studies in a combined manner.

Scholarship / Applying the time with industry experts in Sweden to the Ghanaian construction industry [2]

The second paragraph is more direct to the point and should open the statement response. However, only the first sentence should be used as the topic sentence. The next sentences should explain how this course of action shall relate to your studies in Sweden. What do you hope to learn in Sweden that you can apply upon your return? What is the plan of action? How will the studies support your plan to leverage your networks? How will the two work hand in hand? Consider these questions for your revised response. These questions should be helpful in developing a more relevant response that connects the knowledge with the future career plan.

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the number of visitors to a variety of art galleries in 2011. [3]

It is difficult to review this report properly because of the missing image. I rely on the image to help review the accuracy of your discussion presentation and instruction adherence. While you did present more than the minimum word count. I do not sense a complete discussion analysis in your presentations. There are no true comparison points presented between the 6 countries. You are relying merely on direct information presentation, which means you did not really analyze the image, although you tried to make it sound that way. A truly analyzed presentation would have between 3-5 sentences in each paragraph, not just 2 sentences. You are also starting one sentence using a conjunction. You do know that you are not supposed to do that right? It is against English academic writing rules. A conjunction is used to connect 2 thoughts or information in a sentence. So this will be seen as a GRA violation and will affect your GRA score.

Scholarship / Senior Teacher at the University of Adelaide and Monash University? Why? [2]

Your backstory is too long. Summarize that part and immediately present the reasons why you chose this masters course instead. The essay should start with:

I chose to study Master of Education... because my country is...

The university choice discussion must be individualized. There are specific reasons that you chose each university. They cannot share the same profile. Otherwise, you could have chosen one university. Discuss the differences based on the varying program focus per university. That way you show that you have actually researched the universities based on academic and professional considerations rather than just picking them out of a hat or popularity on the internet search engines.

Scholarship / The structural engineering field - Application to an Erasmus Scholarship [2]

The first paragraph that you wrote is really unnecessary. The reviewer already knows the purpose of the motivation letter you will be writing. It is better to stay direct in the motivational letter. Do not waste your presentation space. The letter itself is already running too long. You have over 1k words written. A motivational letter should be kept short, quick and easy to read. You are over discussing in this presentation. Try to summarize your presentation as best as you can. Stay within the normal 500-750 word count. Maximum of 800 words, and only if it cannot be helped due to the excellent motivational discussion you are presenting.

Remember that you are not being asked to define yourself in a motivational letter. You are being asked to discuss your motivation for pursuing higher studies based on your career progression plans and, how the increased and updated knowledge will help you better your professional field once you return to your home country.

You need to better represent your motivations for choosing the course, the scholarship program, the university, and your expectations. The presentation takes too long to get to the point. Summarize your undergraduate studies and the reference to people who influenced you during this time. What actually matters most is your professional presentation and current skills discussion. These are the two aspects that should strongly drive your motivation for higher studies outside of your country.

Yes, you have to represent your skills and how it was developed. However, too much reference to other people, as opposed to presenting how you used what you learned from them do not add to your motivation. Surely these people did not teach you enough to satisfy your career needs. Otherwise, you would not be seeking higher studies. The way you present this information is too dry. It is not interesting enough.

Remember that your undergraduate motivation, as inspired by these professors no longer matter in the discussion of the EM scholarship. What matters now, is the motivation gained from work experience, exposure to the field, and the amount of self-study that you have acquired, along with any training your company may have given you. There is too much focus on your undergraduate presentation within this motivation letter, making it misdirected in focus and content.

Truth be told, this qualifies more as a personal statement than a motivation letter. It appears that you have written this without considering the actual prompt requirements, which led to your mixed bag of information presentation. This is half a motivation letter, half a personal statement. What you need it a solid motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / In some countries, it is important to have a private house rather than renting one [5]

The first thing the examiner will check upon receiving your essay is the word count. The minute that he sees that you wrote less than the minimum 250 word count, as you only wrote 218 words, he will apply an immediate penalty to your work. The penalty, or percentage deduction, will be based on the number of missing words that would have completed the minimum count. What does this mean for your essay? It means that you will be starting off your essay with a non-passing score. After that error is noted, and computed, your TA score will then be considered as the first score required for your actual scoring requirements.

Now, the TA score for this essay will not be in the passing range either. That is because you changed the discussion requirement from an opinion based essay to an extent essay. How did you create this accidental error? Note the error in your response to the discussion questions as provided in the original prompt.

OQ: Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?

You did not provide the expected response to these questions in your thesis presentation. Your response was:

YR: In my oppinion, I partly agree with this idea.

Your conclusion also adds to the prompt deviation as you indicated an additional improper response to the overall discussion requirement:

Conclusion: i prefer owning a home...

As you can see, you did not align your response with the questions provided, thus creating a prompt deviation on your part. You no longer provided a response to the provided questions. Hence, your score will be based on your inability to respond to any part of the task. Since you have 2 failing score considerations immediately upon starting the test, you will not be able to achieve a passing score with your presentation. Overall, you failed to meet the discussion requirements and format for this topic. Nothing can be done to help you achieve a passing score in this case.

Scholarship / Productive high-school years - UWC scholarship essay [3]

You have failed to respond to the most crucial point in this essay. How does your own diversity add to the uniqueness of UWC? That is the whole point of asking you to describe what you might contribute, aside from what you hope to gain. You have also failed to include an explanation regarding how your family background or family life can help you become an interesting addition to the UWC community. You focused too much on your experience at your international school and what you hope to gain that the statement lost its informative balance in the end. Covering 2 out of the 4 required discussions will not help make this a well rounded essay. Only a reference to all required areas can do that. Revise the total essay. Try to bring all the required discussions into a balance that offers a well rounded look at your character, background, and personality.

Writing Feedback / Writing Test : anti-society behaviors [2]

Since you did not specify which English test you have written this paper for, I will not be able to give you a focused review of this presentation. I will give you a general review of content and applicability of your discussion to the topic instead.

You have defined anti-social behavior in a manner that shows a Wikipedia plagiarism, having barely reworded the original definition as stated on the website. That is unacceptable in any form of academic writing. Unless you can cite the source of your information, plagiarism is still plagiarism, even if you changed one or two words to make it appear as your original thought. When left to your own devices in trying to explain the reason for anti-social behavior, your presentation falls apart due to a lack of central reason, an over generalization of your statement, or an improper English sentence structure. All of which make it clear, upon further investigation, that your first few sentences are plagiarized.

Your first sentence in the second paragraph, the topic sentence, is also unclear as you are missing the connecting phrase "to have" prior to the term "negative personalities". Additionally, you are making reference to a movie that not everyone may have seen, so it is important to classify the reason why you believe that "Joker", as a movie exemplifies anti-social behavior.

The focus on the movie, rather the general discussion about being anti-social created a prompt deviation which could be a problem in your final scoring consideration. As I do not know what type of test you are taking, I cannot be very specific about how this change of discussion will affect your presentation score.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose GKS Food Science Major [2]

You need more specifics in this statement of purpose. You have already worked in a nutritional laboratory and done preliminary studies within the area of prebiotics, probiotics, and nutritional equivalents. What you have to do is focus on a specific area of your exposure that you feel you have had ample exposure to. This wide exposure to the research should be the foundation for your undergraduate thesis. Right now, you are presenting more of a study plan than a statement of purpose.

The statement of purpose needs to highlight your foundation in the area you wish to study, why you feel it is important to study, and what outcome you hope to produce at the end of your research. This may be an alternative nutritional source that can help treat obesity, or another food source that can help prevent the onset of obesity. I do not really get a sense of a direction in your thesis presentation. You have to connect the laboratory observation, assistance, and research that you wish to do with something solid.

Present a clear idea in the purpose. Consider the current research of Korea in the area of obesity and try to develop your thesis / purpose, based on that. create a possible statement of purpose for your studies. Establish the following:

- The area of focus
- Why this focus is necessary
- What you hope to research
- Why that research
- How the lab work shall apply to your research
- How the research can apply to future food supplemental guidelines

These should be specific enough to show a keen interest in the area of Food Science on your part.

Letters / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship- FOOD4S Joint Master degree- Motivation letter [2]

The first paragraph is not required information for this essay. You should remove that paragraph in totality and retain only the last 3 paragraphs. The last 3 paragraphs need to be rearranged to help create the foundation of your proper motivation letter though. Rather than the current format, use the following for your first 3 paragraphs instead:

Par. 1: We are at a critical point in which.. ( This is the motivational statement)
Par. 2: I want to pursue the European Master ... decreasing carbon emissions. ( Explanation of course / interest)
Par. 3: I am a Bachelor of Science... and sustainable food solutions. ( hese refer to your academic qualifications for the course)

From there, develop the rest of the letter based upon the other motivational letter requirements as indicated in the course application documentation. These will include your decision to study in the countries and universities of your choice, your thesis interest, and other information as required by the admissions committee.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Task 2: odinary work of art is now easily be labelled as masterpieces. [3]

I think you really have a problem with your English comprehension skills. You are constantly changing the topics for discussion in every essay that you write. You are incapable of writing the essay based on the original prompt because you keep sensationalizing or misleading your readers. I asked you to download the thesaurus to help you learn how to use alternative words for the original keywords in the presentation. You have not done that here. I think I will have to start teaching you how to write these restatements from the very start. It appears to me that you are self studying right? So I will have to take you by the hand and teach you by section. Let's start with how to properly restate the original prompt.

Use an outline for this part. Divide that into sections as follows:

Topic: a painting, sculpture or other art form should display certain qualities that are unique.
Problem: it is now possible for quite ordinary pieces of art to be labelled 'masterpieces ' whilst true works of art pass unnoticed.
Reason: over the past century there has been a decline in the quality of prize-winning artwork
Discussion: Do you agree or disagree?

Based on that outline, you should clearly see that there is no detrimental problem being discussed. Only a lack of proper high quality / award worthy craft presentations. It is your tendency to exaggerate the original presentations that pose a problem for your restatements. You are always exaggerating for no reason. Or, in this case, exaggerating to the extent of changing the discussion target. I have tried my best to point out this problem to you several times already but you show no improvement in this section. Perhaps more English vocabulary lessons would help you. Have you tried participating in Conversational English lessons? Those normally help with the development of a student's English writing skill as you learn how to stop exaggerating and simply begin to discuss in verbal form, which often carries onto the written aspect of English writing.

Letters / An infrastructure leader. Motivation letter Erasmus Mundus - BIM [3]

Will it be possible for you to reduce your paragraphs in relation to your skills? You have a pretty solid background that truly shows your ability to participate in this program. However, those are not the only consideration aspects for your application. You also need to justify your choice of courses as based on the university choices and how these relate to your previous education and work experience. You should also indicate an idea that relates to your possible thesis, as it applies to your home country or an international scale. Your motivation is pretty clear, but should be more focused in terms of the career you wish to pursue within this field. Your motivation is clear, but too wide and all encompassing. Center that focus on a particular field that you are actually interested in and skilled enough to succeed in once you have completed this course.

Writing Feedback / Evaluate the public place and suggest how it could be more appealing [2]

You were asked to evaluate a public place. So the evaluation should not only describe the place but also, the types of people and activities that take place there. A description of the architecture of the buildings or layout of the area would have also been necessary in the presentation. A physical description that can help the reader create an internal image is most important to this type of writing. You should have also given a run down or simple descriptions of the problems that you see in the place. This could be anything from foot traffic, pedestrian control, and trash bin placements. Then, depending on the problems you have discussed, you should be able to make proper suggestions regarding how these observed situations could be resolved in order to create more appealing surroundings. All you did was describe the place. You did not really give much thought to the aesthetic values of the public place and how it could be improved for the benefit of the visitors or tourists. You mentioned that there are negative aspects that could be improved, but failed to expand on that discussion in relation to the task writing instruction.

Writing Feedback / Benefits of Student Exchange - This is my ielts writing task 2 [2]

The first sentence of your prompt restatement is not going to get you a good TA and GRA score. You have created a confusing run-on sentence there which tries to combine all 2 ideas from the original prompt in a single sentence. Clarity is always the most important aspect of every sentence and paragraph presentation in this test. Separate those ideas into at least 2 sentences. The sentences should contain:

Sentence 1: The restated topic (SOME EDUCATIONALISTS ... TEENAGE SCHOOL STUDENTS.)
Sentence 2: Discussion instruction response (DO YOU THINK ...THE DISADVANTAGES?)

If you divide your original presentation into 2 sentences, you should see the clarity set into the represented prompt:

It is argued by some educationalists that all teenage school students would benefit a great deal from foreign programmes. Albeit with some drawbacks of this idea, I opine that the benefits are far more significant.

Do you see how the pause, created by the period, allows you better read the sentences? It gives you, as a reader, a better sense of what each sentence is discussing and why it is important to be discussed. That is how you create a clear, cohesive, and coherent prompt restatement.

Do not use "On the one hand" if you not writing a comparative essay. It is silly to say "on the one hand" if you cannot say "on the other hand" in the next paragraph. It negates the comparative representation you were aiming for. It would be better instead, to use a personal opinion reference such as "From what I understand..." or "Based on what I know about exchange programmes..." Since the instruction is asking for your personal opinion regarding the advantages and disadvantages.

The concluding sentence again, suffers from the same problem as the opening sentence. I have already shown you how that error can be corrected. I hope you apply it in your future writings.

Scholarship / Describing how my experience and knowledge in my study abroad can be applied. [3]

The normal paragraph response count for this question is no more than 1 - 2 paragraphs. You have sufficiently responded to the question based on the last 2 paragraphs of this presentation. There is no need for the unnecessary background discussion as you have applied to this response. The first 4 paragraphs are irrelevant and does not relate in any way to the discussion response required. You can safely delete those parts and simply keep the last 2 paragraphs as the response. There is no need to unnecessarily complicate the presentation as the reviewers actually prefer direct to the point responses. They have a limited amount of time to read each response to the sooner you get to the point, the more they will consider your application reasons.

Graduate / UVirginia Data Science Statement Of Purpose [2]

You have a strong academic background. However, you are mistaking the internship for a professional experience which, even if completed as a paid intern, is still a part of your academic development. Therefore, there is a missing link in the essay. The purpose you have is all academic in nature, making you a professional student. Do you not have any ambitions of parlaying these learning into say, your own research or survey firm? What is the actual purpose for your studies aside from pursuing your passion in this area? Sure your research, as a team, was published. That shows a passion for research. Then what? Although you may qualify based on the academic aspects, does your purpose qualify your background? Right now, I do not see the two in a direct relationship. How does the academic pursuit help your idea, it is not even an ambition or a purpose in this instance since you mentioned it at the very end of the essay, of joining a government organization? I mean, you actually made the purpose an afterthought, without any explanations to support your idea of joining the government. I hope this is just a draft because if you plan to submit this, you are not getting into the program.

Writing Feedback / EDEXCEL PSYCHOLOGY: The nature vs. Nurture Debate [2]

Don't just focus on the theoretical side of the issue, discuss the debate based on what you have observed and experienced as well. How would you say your upbringing influenced your personality? Would it be on the nature, as referenced by an inborn personality, or nurture, developed through your relationship and the expectation of your parents? While the debate discussion does have scientific basis, the justifications of your explanation would be more considerable if the theory were attached to real life.

While I cannot actually give you a score for this essay, I can tell you this, the work you provided is simple but complete. It meets the marks for the exam requirements as far as I can tell. You have done well enough to potentially score full marks based on individual considerations. The work you have provided shows a clear knowledge and understanding of the topic, but could have used more specific reference points for the discussion examples. if this is your first time writing for the test, then you have done a decent job at accomplishing the discussion task.

Writing Feedback / Recycling waste from homes / writing task 2 from test 2 of cambridge book 11 [4]

You have not followed the formatting requirements for this essay. There is a missing prompt restatement and response to the given question as your thesis statement for the rest of the discussion. Without that reference point, the essay does not qualify for the TA section. There is a change in the representation of the original statement in your first paragraph, which makes the essay conflict with the original. You have not discussed the essay in the expected manner. As such, the TA score for this will be failing at the very start. Which means, you will not get a passing score for this essay.

I will not focus on the rest of the discussion presentation because the portion of this essay that is severely problematic is the prompt restatement. Rather than simply using your own words to explain the original points, you decided to immediately launch into a discussion of the prompt, which would have been alright if you were taking the TOEFL test, but can result in failure in the EILTS Task 2 test. You changed the original prompt several times:

OT: Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled.
YT: Dealing with the waste from home ... intention to do regularly.

OR: They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement.
YR: With that being said, creating so many negative effects... plastic waste, etc.

OQ: To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste?
Response: Hence, it is urgent for governments ...of their homes' waste.

Do you see the discrepancies from the original to your version? You are not discussing the essay topic according to the originally given parameters. You have to stick to the original discussion, and offer a measured response as required. Otherwise, this essay does not meet the TA requirements for the discussion. There is no extent discussion, just a plain reference to the government needing to do more to encourage home recycling, which is not the discussion point of the essay. The discussion point is, "To what extent should the government legislate home recycling?". That is what you failed to discuss. There is no all encompassing discussion for this prompt. Only partial discussion based on the limitations of the government when it comes to the issue of mandating recycling from home.

Letters / How to write an formal and simplistic letter of explaination? [2]

The main problem that your study plan has is that it relates to a change of career path on your end. You started as a Civil Engineer and now, you want to become a supply chain professional. There must be a representation of the reasons for the career change, how you are working in that section now, and what your future will be after you complete the course and return to your home country. The study plan has to represent how and why these studies are important to your career. There isn't really a justification presented, only reasons why the universities in Kuwait cannot fulfill your perceived educational needs. These explanations are not acceptable as a part of a study plan presentation. Rather, you have to explain how you will immediately apply what you have learned upon your return. Does completing the studies mean working for your father's company? What is the plan? What will your focus be in terms of supply chain management? Why will you focus on that? There are several questions that you need to represent responses to in your letter. However, without the prompt for the study plan, I cannot really explain how to integrate the responses into the required information.

Writing Feedback / The maps illustrate tourism facilities in some island before and after constructed by the developers [2]

When identifying images, indicate the number of images presented. In this task, there are 2 maps. So the differentiation should be based on 2 maps as provided. Do not change the information from the original prompt. There are no "developers" mentioned as having constructed the facilities. This misleads the reader, who will not know what the actual information was only based on "the construction of tourist facilities". It is that phrase that you should have accurately restated in your own words, without changing the information by referring to "developers" since, as I mentioned before, there was no reference to such originally.

Your vocabulary is not very good. You are using the word "buildings" to represent the constructed edifices on the island. These are not buildings. These are huts, tents, guest facilities, guest houses, to name but a few more appropriate alternative word choices. Remember what you are writing about and use relevant language in relation to that. In this case, you are writing about the beach island and its facilities. The hotels on beaches are not normally called "buildings".

Scholarship / Business Administration: Personal Statement for KGSP Application [3]

You have not based the personal statement on the motivational discussion requirements of the essay. The motivation for your studies does not establish itself based on a professional requirement or demand for increased skills within your career. While your mother's business may have inspired you, the only way this can pass as a motivational foundation is if you are taking the helm of a medium scale to large scale enterprise from her. Only then will her inspiration and your exposure to the business she runs make sense as a motivation.

You have not portrayed yourself as having an applicable business administration background based on your academic presentation. You have not qualified yourself as a masters degree student with a potential to complete complicated thesis research, and accomplish other difficult masters classes tasks as you did not really represent these skills in your presentation. More importantly, there is no clear representation of your interest to study this course in Korea. Without these important aspects, your application will be disregarded. Review the information presentation instructions again. This time, provide the required data. This essay will not work. It is not the kind of statement that will get you past the screening round.

Graduate / [KGSP-G] - International Trade Studies (GSIS) - Statement of Purpose [3]

ONE TOPIC PER THREAD

Your thesis paper should be completed over the duration of your masters course. The Goal of Study and Study Plan does not include language courses. The focus of this statement must be on your thesis development alone. The presentation follows a thesis proposal that shows why your research is important, how you will complete the research in Korea, what the university can do to aid in your research, and what you hope to do with your thesis after you complete the research. Note that the title of the section is: Statement of Purpose with the sub-title: Goal of study, title or subject of research, and detailed study plan. All of these must relate to your thesis research as this will show how you plan to pursue the development of your masters theoretical and practical skills during your time as a student. Focus on the thesis development. Use a thesis proposal presentation. If possible, relate your undergraduate studies and/or professional experience to your goal of study / purpose for study. The goal of study is the purpose, as it applies to your profession now or in the future, should you be planning to pursue a promotion.

The future plan in Korea or another country after study in Korea should be a separate essay. Since we have a one topic per thread policy at this forum, my review will end with the study goal section of your essay.

Letters / A letter which is given to the organisers of a course about helping improve your memory. [4]

Is this for a Task 1 essay? I really need the writing instructions to be able to properly review this work. I am not sure where I should focus my review without the instructions for writing. So I guess I will have to just look at the more common mistakes that will still help you write a better letter next time.

You are using non academic punctuation marks such as ellipses in this presentation. As those indicate a pause in the writing process to give the reader a chance to fully understand what it it is you are trying to say, it should not be applied to an academic letter to the organizers of the course. The presentation of the ellipses give a dramatic effect in an otherwise straightforward conversation.

You are also offering too much information, as far as I can tell, regarding your personal reasons for taking the course when these should only be a general reference that will show your interest in enrolling in the course. The organizers do not have need for your personal information. Your inquiry should focus only on the professional aspect of the inquiry.

You are also indicating a desire to try other metheods is available, so that shows a partial interest in the course which may not make the organizers interested in responding to your inquiry.

The first paragraph of the presentation is a but confusing to read. There is a clear lack of sentence and thought development structure in English. Meaning the reader will find it difficult to understand the point of that paragraph. It causes confusion and will result in a lower GRA score than expected.

Scholarship / HRM impact - reasons have encouraged me to apply the Global Korea Scholarship Program [2]


If your parents are the ones saying this, then there should not be a reference to Nelson Mandela. This makes your statement appear to be a lie. Why? Your parents did not say it, Nelson Mandela did. One point against you for not being honest in your declarations at the very start of your essay. Remember that you are signing an oath with this application attesting to the truthful information within your essays that you will be submitting throughout the application process.

Your family cannot be your biggest motivation for applying to the course and scholarship. You get nothing by being motivated by them. They can be an inspiration, but definitely not a motivation. The motivation needs to be related to a personal career decision and its relevant background. Wishing to study abroad on funding cheapens your motivation to apply for the GKS-U scholarship. That means you are applying for multiple scholarships and will accept the first offer you get. You are really off to a disqualifying start with this presentation. From the first to second paragraph, you have successfully disqualified yourself from the competition already.

Here is my advice, review the prompt requirements again. Pay specific attention to the Korean relationship, the motivation to study in Korea, and other Korea specific requirements. You do not have an effective essay at this point. I cannot even continue to read it because of the inappropriateness of your statement. If I cannot continue reading it, the actual reviewer most certainly won't finish reading it either.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 about the proportion of national buyer expenditure on selective categories in five nations [3]

You forgot to include the image so you cannot expect a thorough and appropriate review of your report presentation. I do not have any instructions or image to base the review of your work on. That said, I will do what I can to give you a general review of your work. As best as it can apply without the writing instructions.

The summary overview could have more information such as the categories you will be reviewing, which would help the reader develop a mental picture of the image the information is based on. You are missing a trending statement in the presentation. Your summary of information comparison is missing the 5th country. The comparison cannot be considered a trending statement as the trending statement indicates either a predominantly high or low measurement towards the end of the measurement image for one of the countries. There is no country in particular that needs to be presented, but the trend must be singular rather than comparative.

Letters / Motivation letter to lead a social change [3]

You have wasted too much of the character count on a confusing explanation that does not relate in any way to the Swedish scholarship you are applying for. These removed the focus of the response from how you will apply what you will learn in Sweden with your home country. Focus on the actual question. What is the career plan after you complete the course? You already have an idea of how you will be able to use what you potentially be learning upon your return. That is because you already know why you chose to study this masters course. Explain that purpose in this statement. The response doesn't actually represent any information that will explain how you will be applying the information gained to help improve your profession or progress your career upon your return.