Undergraduate / Inituitive- UPenn Essay Prompt Answer [6]

Strawberry78-- I just edited your Yale app essay, but in the process of my editing, it was removed or deleted. I have everything I was going to post saved, so if you post it in a new thread I can give you the help I was trying to give.

Undergraduate / 'networks of neurons' / 'construction of edu' - What interests and Why Brown supplements [11]

Hi, I can try to help. Brown is a great school to aspire to (plus it is in my home state of RI). What you have written so far under the first question is excellent. Expand on these concepts, with your word limitations.

For the second essay:
Brown's curriculum provides the privileges and independence I need to flourish: I could become engrossed in my major, yet still be at liberty to become fluent in French or lost in Aristotle and Sophocles' worlds of philosophy. Say "I will become engrossed in my major."

This sentence is a bit too long, does the curriculum provide independence? Or is there a better way to say this? I would add this: the college want to hear about your plan. Emphasize the fact that you are a person with a plan. Link the college skills you will obtain to your future plans. Talk about your short term goals as well. You are off to a great start, good luck in school!

One more thing that I forgot to mention. Explore the city of Providence online, if you are not from the area. Living in Rhode Island is very culturally stimulating, there are many museums, libraries, attractions, and events, all within walking distance of the school. The city of providence has all kinds of people, and has fantastic restaurants, shopping, and nightlife. Most students in the city seem very comfortable, and the location of the campus very close to everything you could possibly need. My uncle graduated from Brown, he says it is hard to get in, but once you attend, it can be a breeze (prob because the classes and environment are so enjoyable). :)

Undergraduate / 'The Veterinarian Profession' - Vet Camp Admission [4]

Hi, I can try to help with a few things. Your essays look very well done. Somethings you may want to fix:

Well, perhaps everything available! You may want to remove the word perhaps ( it makes you sound unsure) Maybe say "Of course, everything that is available."

The Boiler Vet Camp is a great opportunity for me to explore the Veterinary profession and learn life lessonswhile pursuing it. "while pursuing it" could be removed to simplify the sentence.

You seem to over-use exclamation points in this paragraph. You are repeating the word "opportunity" too many times.

The Boiler Vet camp would give me a greater knowledge of the Veterinary profession, life skills, an insight of Purdue University, and knowledge. In this sentence, you repeat what you have already said, you should think of a new, different reason. Make as many good points as you can, to show your enthusiasm.

By applying to Boiler Vet Camp, I receive life lessons such as perseverance. You should consolidate all the "life lessons" into a few sentences alltogether, you have sprinkled them throughout the paper, but it would sound better to list them off in a few sentences, then move on to the other things you are saying.

...an insight of Purdue University, and knowledge. By applying to Boiler Vet Camp, I receive life lessons such as perseverance. I learn not to give up on something I have a passion for. The tour of Purdue would give me an insight of the University I want to attend for Veterinary school. These two sentences both state that you will get insight... you say that twice, which is repetitive.

Besides the things I mentioned, I think you have a solid essay. These things are easily fixed. Good luck!

Essays / Ideas? - Rampant consumerism (seeking material goods with no ability to afford them) [2]

This is a very powerful statement. I would explore the many reasons why this society is so materialistic. The government and the media control consumer behavior more than ever. Credit cards have been readily available for years, and loans allow people to buy what they cannot afford. Many people take on more debt than they can repay, causing recession and depression. This depression leads some people to seek medical help (commercials on TV tell people to do this all the time) So the depressed people get fed medication that they may/may not need-- and the drug companies make so much money from this. Companies like Wal-mart cause people to think that they are saving a great amount of money, but if only they knew the details-- wal-mart is one of the richest companies worldwide, and their profits go into the CEO's pockets, not back into the economy. The media is always telling us that we need something new or better, when usually what we already have is just fine. "Restraining consumerism" seems like the exact opposite of what our country is doing (USA). I do not see the government trying to encourage us to clip coupons, re-use things, shop at thrift stores, reduce waste, fix a broken item instead of buying it brand new... they just want us to spend, spend, spend...

Undergraduate / Blind, Arrogant Eyes - Common App Prompt [5]

Hi, I can help with a few things:

My young mind was full of arrogance as I dominated every class with excellent marks in my freshmen year of high school. You could say this: "My arrogant young mind dominated every class during my freshmen year of high school."

I entered every class with the intention of leaving every class. I pleased every teacher to get an excellent mark from every teacher. I did every assignment to only avoid failing every assignment. This sounds odd, I would re-word these sentences.

It seemed this conceited spirit... This doesn't sound right, the word conceited seems a bit harsh.

My arrogance correlates with my perspective of my high school... This doesn't really make sense, use different words, you begin to repeat yourself at this point in your paper.

If you are describing Malcolm X, you should write as if the reader doesn't know him. Of course, most people have heard of him, but some may wonder, "who is El Malik?" You explain his beliefs a bit, but it still seems vague. You sound "wordy" in some places as well.

From this valuable lesson he Malcolm X learned, I realized my own arrogance and saw how I was neither strong nor intelligent, but a weak soul that would have been shattered by an AP curriculum. Re-word this sentence, it is a run-on.

Work on your final paragraph more. It should be as strong as your first paragraph. You have an excellent topic, and you are off to a good start. Keep working on this, and re-read it while imagining yourself as the college admissions dept, and think about how your personality appears in this essay. I wish you the best of luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'Japanese technology didn't save Japan' - What matters to you Essay [2]

Hi, you have done a great job! Your paper is very well-done. I can try to help with a few things:

This was no longer something that they could not control. You could say: "This was no longer a situation that they could control." Or "They could no longer control the outcome of this disaster." (Although I wonder whom you mean when you say "they"-- Japanese people, officials?)

For a people whose values are founded on honor, this catastrophe was a devastating loss of pride. Excellent. You make a good point here.

"Babashu" was a very strong, independent woman. You say "was..." The reader may interpret this statement as: she "used to be strong, and is not anymore." Of course, she is quite old now, but she must still have her strong, fighting spirit. Also, you mention after that, she is your great-grandmother, you should make it clearer that first you describe gramma, then you describe great-gramma.

As a child, I remember her as a great grandmother: she would visit us here in the U.S. regularly, and one of my most memorable experiences with her was the day my little brother was born and my older brother and I were waiting in the hospital with her. Begin a new sentence with: "one of my most memorable experiences..."

I hope this helps, I wanted to help make your paper a bit easier to read. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the Young Power Program' - intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience. [9]

I will try to help with a few things:

Your first paragraph only contains two sentences, add one or two more to make it look better. (consider your word limit, if any)

You have an excellent topic, and amazing achievements- use these to your advantage. Be sure that you explain briefly that you have a plan for life, and how college will get you there. Nice job!

Undergraduate / 'true lover of nature' - Pomona: Something You've done for fun and why [3]

Your essay is very well-done. I do not see any grammar problems, and not much needs to be changed. You have a solid topic, and your experiences have defined who you are as a person. The college wants a glimpse into your life, and you have given them exactly that. The things you have done made you into a well-rounded, easy-going individual. I think this sentence needs to be re-worded:

I will always be able to give back to the community that has played such a big part in shaping me into the person I am today, and I've realized that in the end my community is what's really important to me.

Otherwise, you have an excellent essay. Nice job!

Undergraduate / "No one knows me"; Purdue admission/Envision yourself [2]

Hi :) I can help with your introduction:

Maybe my hair turns to gray color when I fulfilled my career goal and published my autobiography. I would like to say my title "No one knows me."

This would be better grammar: My hair will be gray by the time I finish my career goals and publish my autobiography. The title of my autobiography would be "No one knows me." (you may want to change what you are saying here, be clear that you plan on a lifetime of career goals, that you will never settle for less, always striving for more. The way you say it, the reader may think it will take forever to reach your goals.)

My mother was pregnant with me while my father worked in one of Maryland's research institutes. Before I turned to one year old, my family returned to South Korea, in order to cure my mother's rheumatism.

To settle down, my father had to get a job immediately to coverthe hospital payments and he started to work as an associate professor at a university.

Seventeen years later, I moved back to the U.S. with the American dream. The airplane landed and I walked out of the airport with my family. Every experience was new and fresh; people, buildings, and so forth. You may want to change the phrase "American dream"

You are off to a great start, I hope these corrections are helpful. Continue to work on your grammar. Nice topic. I wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / USA is a democratic, advanced in science and technology; AUBG- Global perspective [2]

Hi, I can help you edit a few things:

When it is said "USA", it brings to my mind that USA is a democratic, advanced in science and technology, rich, and highly developed country.

This sounds a bit weak, for an opening statement. It does not make sense, re-word this.

One of the most vital things about USA is the high quality education system .

I have always dreamed of studying in the US since my childhood. Unfortunately, I thoughtit was impossible , due to the distance from my country, Turkmenistan, travel expenses, and education costs.

[i]I researched many universities , but above all, I was looking for an American university. After a few inquiries, I came across American University in Bulgaria, (AUBG) and I have started to read about this university.

These are some suggestions on how to improve the grammar in your paper. Continue to edit your english, but you have a great story! Let your ambition and desire to succeed show through as you write. I wish you luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'Bhajagovindam'- Stanford Supplement- Randomness essay [11]

Hi :)
I like this essay, nicely done. The introduction kinda threw me off-guard, I got a bit confused, and then I realized what you were doing. The first quality about yourself that you mention is about being lost in thought. As a reader, I wonder if that is the best thing to say on a college app. But it is unique! And I like the way you describe your thought processes, although one sentence is unnecessary:

Which, I suppose transitions nicely to a discussion about my intellectual development.
You don't need to say this, use your words wisely.

Life is random, and this quality is thus the source of my intellectual inspiration. "Is mayonnaise an instrument?" Perhaps not. And perhaps that completely random statement is a useful instrument of emphasis in this essay.

Something about this statement is confusing, it sounds like rambling. Wrap up your essay with a few strong points. Nice work, good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Bridging the Disciplines- UNC Chapel-Hill supplemental essay [3]

Hello :) I can try to suggest some changes

The boy could not take it any longer. The box was hissing quietly and incessantly. "Open me... Open me!" It was a delectable chocolate bar-urging him; tempting him. He heaved the case onto the couch, and unfastened the clasp.

Do you mean "It was like a delectable chocolate bar"? I like the way you open with this description. Excellent dialogue between you and your father.

Since then, I found, to my grief, that I was in fact far from a Jedi, but I have made great strides in my art. This sentence sounds confusing, you should re-word this, and make the Jedi part a separate sentence from making strides in art.

This next part sounds a bit disjointed from the beginning of the essay, it needs to "flow" better. It leaves me wondering about how you progressed to playing violin in the hospital. I guess your story needs a little more detail, in my humble opinion.

Since then, I found, to my grief, that I was in fact far from a Jedi, but I have made great strides in my art. From age 7, I have been performing regularly in hospitals. The environment is deathly quiet, only with the occasional ring of the telephone or chime of the elevator. Patients roam about in silence, and the barren atmosphere only makes their emotional burdens more painful. Luckily, I can help; music can soothe emotional distress that is beyond the reach of traditional medicine.

Ok, the second half of the essay: I had to re-read the beginning because I got confused, it is unclear at first that your uncle had died. I realized he had passed when you wrote "gone forever." You description is wonderful though, you have great writing skill. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / UVA supplement/ My favorite word--love [4]

Nice job, you are off to a great start!

I think it is love that makes the world go around. This sounds a little cliche. Maybe say "love is the connection between all people" or something along those lines.

the quickest way to receive love is to give it; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly the best way to keep love is to give it wings. This is a great quote! Consider opening your paper with this as a beginning.

It is important for us to learn to love as the first class in our life. This is confusing. You are saying a person should make love a priority in life.

Love deserves all the admiring words, and love is even beyond the life and death. That is why love is my favorite word. Use stronger words to close your essay. It needs more quality points at the end. Add more content to this paper.

Undergraduate / 'I never liked the idea of change' - Common App [16]

Hi, I can help:

Call me stubborn but I never liked the idea of change because change was accompanied with ambiguity. The two combined together was bad news and I didn't want high school to come between us. As a reader, this statement makes me stop and wonder why is ambiguity the first thing that change relates to? I think that is the case sometimes, but change can often surely lead to something great. Re-phrase this, maybe you could call yourself traditional or set-in-your-ways. Of course, high school is always a bit mysterious and frightening because it is a big change.

The four of us have been best friends since middle school and since then we've all been one entity. We did everything together and were hardly ever separated. Avoid sounding "wordy", you say the same thing three times in a row.

I suppose I was too naïve to accept it but change is inevitable. This may sound better.

Undergraduate / 'I want to be different and go to college' - experience and its impact on you [11]

A few things:

You are on the right track. The way you describe your situation with your parents is wonderful. Although you call it a "talk" when you only explain one sentence that was spoken. You may want to elaborate on that.

As the tears dripped on the table, I realized how harsh it was for him to talk about such a delicate matter. Who's tears? Yours? Your father's, mother's?

I remember sitting there for what seemed an eternity, my eyes locked with my father's. The emotional connection in the room was powerful and this marked the beginning of my change in perspective on education. You are saying the right thing, although I would re-word the second sentence here.

Undergraduate / 'this occurred in Slovenia' - Common Application Essay on travelling/moving [5]

Hi, a few things:

It seems to me that you have a separation between the beginning and end of your essay. I can see where you transition to the part about moving. In this sentence:

Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. The "How did I get here" part of this statement sounds unnecessary.

Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling.
This sounds a little corny, maybe say the same thing but in different words?

Its hard to say exactly what needs to be changed... the paper seems to go back and forth between a fact of your life, then a descriptive sentence, then a fact. I think it is a bit disjointed. Your content is great, and you have an interesting story. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Through the perspective of an engineer. UPENN ESSAY [3]

You have very good writing skill, the second essay is near perfect, in my humble opinion. The first essay could use a little work. A few of your sentences are quite long, so you may want to simplify them.

As I am transitioning into a new and more academically stimulating environment, I've come to develop important ideas regarding what I want to do and learn as a mechanical engineering major.

In addition, I hope to learn and develop the required leadership and management skills in order to help enhance my social abilities to work on a professional level as an engineer and continue to help me flourish personally and intellectually.

Otherwise, you have a great paper and you sound mature. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Forgiveness - issue of importance to you [6]

Hi, I can help with some things:

Through our experiences we learn great lessons and become better people or we allow negative experiences to consume in a way that we inflict pain onto others.

This sentence is a little wordy and long, simplify it or break it into two shorter sentences.

I started to feel uncomfortable and decided to distance myself from him.

I then decided to be honest and straightforward with him about how I felt.
You are being vague about this. It makes me wonder exactly how you felt, because in the previous sentence, the only emotion you describe is feeling uncomfortable.

I was confused, surprised, and angry.

I didn't know what he wanted and I don't think he did either. This sentence is not necessary. Maybe say this idea in a different way?

You have a nice essay, your situation sounded like a nightmare but you overcame it. Good for you, well done.

Undergraduate / 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' - SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE AND IMPACT ON YOU [6]

A few things:

The day I was honored the post of the School Counselor- a position the School Government that is loaded with intense responsibility- I actually realized how much my life had changed, and how much I had changed as a person. I would re-word this sentence, its a bit long too. You could say: The day I was honored with the post of School Counselor, I realized that my life had changed dramatically. I actually realized how much I had changed, due to the great responsibility required of me.

Post- we say "head" or "leader" or "president"
School Government- Usually called "student counsel"

My epaulettes inspired me to shoulder my responsibilities with tact and grace as well as respect for my colleagues in the Captain Body, along with the students of Delhi Public School.

You should make two simplified sentences out of this long one.

My school is a rather good representation of India's population

It often required missing classes (and getting ticked off for missing classes),
It sounds better to not repeat yourself, you say missing classes twice.

You are off to a fine start, you have a great topic. Keep working on your grammar and tidy it up a bit. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Living with mystery' Emerson Supplement: A moment in your life you had a realization [6]

Excellent writing! You paint an amazing picture with your words, it shows your maturity. The main point of your essay is this:
Everything in the world of the 21st century seduces us into a forgetful stupor.
I like the sound of this, it is something that you may want to expand upon. Re-word this sentence but say the same thing. I am not sure if you have a word limit, but to write more about this would "beef up" your paper. Also, to notice and analyze this materialistic world takes an intelligent and self-aware person- you! Nice job!

Writing Feedback / Expository essay - My opinion on cell phones [2]

Hi, I can help you with a few things:

As far as I am concerned, there are three main features. "features" is not the right word here. You are trying to say there are three main reason that people choose to purchase and use a cell phone.

You can make contact with a person anywhere instead of waiting in a long line outside public telephone booth. This sounds a little funny to me, probably because in America, there are never lines at a phone booth! LOL Hardly anybody uses them anymore.

Next, as technology advances , the entertainment on cell phones isno longer boring , like easy games such as Doodle Snake. I fixed the grammar, but it is unclear whether your example of a game is a boring one, or a new innovative game.

You have many good points in your essay, and you make some very specific examples. If you need to lengthen it, think of a few more scenerios where a cell phone would be useful/needed. You are doing great, just work on your grammar a bit more.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- The expression "Never,never give up" means keep trying and never stop working [2]

You are off to a good start! I can fix a few things for you-

Throughout their life, many individuals will be faced with at least one challenge that results in failure . Many people fail to succeed in different areas such as education, love and finances . Some believe when a person faces with a failure the best way is to forget that and releases that; however, I completely disagree with this idea. I have always believed that a defeated person has to try and try until they achieve her or his goal.

Some believe when a person faces with a failure the best way is to forget that and releases that; however, I completely disagree with this idea. I would re-word this sentence, it is confusing.

The word ""failure" is used in your paper many many times, so it sounds repetitive. You have many good points, just work on your grammar. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Motivation essay: How an AUBG education will broaden your global perspective? [2]

Hi, I can help you with a few things:

The economic condition of my country is catastrophic, there are thousands of unemployed people, and many of them are on the edge of starvation.

I know that the only solution of the problems of my country is creating jobs, employing people. But to create a jobs, which will satisfy needs of my nation, requires a good education, which only can be received abroad, in the universities like AUBG.

Do mention that more businesses need to employ more people, which can only happen if people spend money and the business makes a profit. You kinda make it sound like jobs can appear out of thin air. The harsh reality is that, even with a college education, there are many more qualified educated people than available positions.

I know that the time will come when they will ask for my contribution in building of a common welfare and I want to be readdy for this.

This sounds confusing.

Strengthen this essay, use more specific examples of the economic problem, don't repeat yourself. Remember to present yourself in the best possible way-- show the school the you are a person with a plan, that you have long-term and short-term goals.

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Where Is Home?" Common Application Essay [5]

I think your essay is very well done. This paper says a lot about you, and your personality really shows through. I like the little mini stories, like the korean secret santa game. This paper shows you to be a responsible, adaptable, and well-rounded person with a good head on your shoulders. I think your paper is easy to read without being too simple. Nicely done. Remove the exclamation point at the end of your paper. I wish you luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'investment manager/analyst/banker', 'like my brother' - answers to Syracuse U [3]

Hi, I can help you with a few things:

Nice first paragraph, it needs one more sentence though, elaborate on NY a bit perhaps.

Ever since childhood, he has excelled in academics and any scholarly pursuits.

He is very ambitious, smart, matured and responsible as a person. Some of which attributes I strive to cultivate into my own life someday.
When you describe your brother, you seem to be in awe of him. I would be a little more specific when you talk about this, like you said, you are close to being "just as good" as him, all you need is a stepping stone (college). I guess it just sounds confusing the way you have worded it. When you say that someday you want to cultivate those attributes someday, it makes the reader wonder if you don't have those qualities right now. You want the reader to know that you are already mature, etc. but you hope to become an even greater person in the future.

Being an adventurous and independent guy I would like to be like Sir Richard Branson as we share the similar personality traits.
Re-word this sentence, it sounds funny.

Letters / I was born and raised in beautiful country of Czech Republic; Letter to Host Family [3]

I can help you with a few things:

I want to go to the University. You are trying to say: I hope to attend a University in the future.

English - because I like English and I've got an awesome teacher.

It's sometimes annoying (grammar), but mostly we learn new things. Can you be more specific?

I learning French, it's difficult but in spite of I like it too. You could say: I like learning French, although it is difficult.

And finally English, I've got 8 years. I have studied English for 8 years.

I want tobecome fluent in English, because it is a gate to the world (foreign countries). If you can speak English, you can easily get a job.

Continue to work on your grammar, I can understand what you mean, but it could use more editing. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the Wonderland my mother had tucked away' - Premed essay [5]

I like the Alice in Wonderland reference, tidy up the first paragraph a bit though. You do a great job "painting" a picture of your childhood wonderment of the biology picture book and the in utero pics of yourself.

But the one thing that brought me the closest to what I believe to be my calling was volunteering at the Aramco Hospital during the summer of 2011. This sentence should be re-worded.

I like that you give reasons for wanting to be a doctor, and you explain your duties very well.

...but I was missing out on a whole other level. This sounds a little confusing.

Needless to say, I sincerely believe that this thirst for medicine is in my blood. It floods the web of veins that make me who I am. You may want to re-consider this, to me it sounds a little dramatic. Although it works well with your theme.

I like your style of writing, it makes your personality show in your paper. You elaborately describe your passions, however you may want to specifically talk a little more about your short term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / The essays for a MIT fellowship in the field medical image processing [4]

I can help with a few grammar issues:

largely remains the works of medical doctors. You should say: "largely remain the works", or "largely remains the work"

For example, for a pathologist, one slide takes about 10 seconds to 10 minutes (depends on his/her experience ).

One thing I noticed: In your first essay, you have a few paragraphs with only 2 sentences. It would make the paper look neater if you consolidate these into the larger paragraphs, or you could add an extra sentence to each short paragraph.

In the results of the project, I would say: "Using the results of the project," or "With the results of the project,"

I hope this helps, I only had time to scan the 1st essay. I think you have good writing skill, you only need a few minor grammar corrections. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Admissions for the Ultrasound Program at my School [3]

Here are a few things that I would change:

Its not an easy thing for someone to pick a career they are truly happy with and stick with that for the rest of there lives. I would re-phrase this sentence

But once you know what you want to pursue your career in it's a wonderful feeling; knowing that you are working towards that goal and you are willing to do anything it takes to accomplish that goal. Simplify this sentence.

I did a variety of things while volunteering there such as helping with filing, transporting patients, refilling the water in their rooms, and interacting with them throughout the day.

Once I volunteered there, I knew that I wanted to follow a career in the medical field, and I leave work knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life.

Undergraduate / 'watching the 8 bit video games' - Art institute of Vancouver entrance [2]

You have a good essay here! It could use a little tidying up, a little bit of attention to grammar is needed in the first paragraph. You say all of the right things though: that you are passionate about your subject, you have studied it a lot, you say the college will be what you need to advance in your career. The main point is to appear to the college as a person with a plan in life- this is key. Express your long term goals, as well as your short term goals, and let your personality show! You are doing great, it just needs a little fine tuning.

Undergraduate / Essay about my first job at the age of eight and a half [6]

You have a very unique story! You show off your good qualities by telling the reader all about your childhood. The only thing I might change: in the final two sentences, switch them, so you end the essay in "others too" I think this paper is pretty solid, nice work!

Writing Feedback / 'new international knowledge and experience' - The reason for studying abroad [3]

A few things that you could fix:

Admittedly, the international student rate is increasing gradually annually.
I would re-phrase this sentence.

There are a great deal of reasons why students are being encouraged to study in overseas countries. The issue is that participation in international education causes both advantages and disadvantages for students.

There is no doubt that most students tend to study in a foreign countries day by day.
Do you mean more students study abroad, and do you mean the amount of students is increasing?

[i] According to this statistics you can see the upper level of international students.

This can show studying abroad is becoming common situation.[/i] I would remove this, it is confusing... stay on the subject

On the other hand, obtaining international education causes to be disadvantage side on students.
On the other hand, obtaining international education could put students at a disadvantage.

You have a lot of good points in your paper, its interesting. Just work on your grammar and expand your conclusion.

Undergraduate / 'heading for Egypt' + 'working at 7-Eleven' - significant risk [3]

You have two very unique and interesting stories. Which one, in your eyes, represents "you" in the best possible light? I think the first essay is the "stronger" one, based on the writing, grammar, and flow of the storyline. The 2nd essay is another great story, but it needs some editing. It is hard to decide, but I would turn in the 2nd essay (revise it). I think that the 2nd shows that you are responsible for your own thoughts and decisions. It shows that you strongly support good morals, and you will not sacrifice yourself for trivial things. I think the personality that you show in the 2nd is very appealing, whereas in the 1st the reader does not really "get to know you" quite as well. Good luck! If you post again, start a new thread with it, I will try to review that for you too. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Life of a child star-rewards and problems [3]

Life as a child star has been a dream of many people because being a child star,you can enjoy a number of rewards coming from fame such as money,respect from people,successful career,etc.Life of a child star,however,is more difficult than many people can imagine.Fame brings to a child star more troubles than rewards,in other words,troubles are more likely to be dominant in the life of most child stars.

I have a few thoughts on this subject:

I think many people dream of their child being a star (I would say this) and most children just want an ordinary life. This makes me think of Toddlers and Tiaras (tv show) because all of the moms insist "my daughter wants this competition" and it seems that the parent wants the attention even more. It seems this lifestyle can put much pressure on a child, leading to some dysfunction- what if her self-esteem is solely based on this on-stage attention, and if she fails at something- will that ruin her self-worth?

But, some child stars become very successful and seemingly well-rounded individuals. Being a star can give a child the confidence to realize they can achieve anything in life. If they are a star, we will assume they have a lot of money, so they may live a very privileged lifestyle. This child may receive the finest education and care. This child may also be lonely, because if they are so busy working on stardom, they will not have time to play with other kids or do other entertaining things that kids like.

Good luck with this essay, be sure to write objectively.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Responding to September 11 [3]

1) Psychological-- FEAR is the main point here, I think the attacks on 9/11 caused many people to fear terrorism. This, in turn, caused the American people to become anxious and depressed (although it did inspire some unity) The economy suffers from this-- it becomes a recession, which leads to job loss, poverty and more despair.

2) Anthropology-- You need to explore how human culture in America has changed. If people are influenced by war and a recession, they will feel insecure about the future. People have many destructive habits, and mental illness is at an all-time high.

2) Sociological-- Fear leads to desperation, which makes people think "war is OK" People believe that this war makes us safer, but it is doing much damage to our country. The economy suffers. Heightened security exists everywhere that people travel. This may cause some people to avoid travel, especially to countries near war.

You may want to watch a movie called "The Obama deception" on a side note, it mentions a lot about this subject and how the government perpetuates the fear from 9/11 to control people's feelings, mainly by using the media.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The costs of international travel are decreasing and tourism is growing. [3]

In the present time, many people are decreasing their expenses and therefore tourism is booming in many developing countries.
This doesn't make sense. International travel has become more affordable, so people travel abroad now more than ever.

Traveling is noticed as one of the popular trend in all generation. There are many benefits and drawbacks of it and this will discuss in this essay.

Traveling is a popular trend for all generations, and there are many benefits and drawbacks to this booming industry. (don't say "will discuss in this essay")

To begin with, it brings different cultures and nations together.Therefore, people can learn more about the rituals and customs of other countries. A personcan experience a particular country's food, lifestyle, principals, clothes,trends and many more. Secondly, it certainly increasesthe economy of countries. For example, western people visit China, and thelocal businesses greatly benefit from their patronage.

Undergraduate / Growing up with Dermatitis; University of Washington [2]

A few things:

my childhood wasn't the best of times; but it certainly wasn't the worst either.
You may want to say this differently, maybe re-word the sentence.

At Hainerberg Elementary School, back in 2001, students were gathering inside classrooms anxious to get ready to start the school day.
At Hainerberg Elementary School, back in 2001, students were gathering inside classrooms anxious to start the school day.

I do like how you begin in present tense, transition to past tense in a very descriptive way, then switch back to present tense. You have a nice style of writing!

I met Chelsea Hattle, my best friend, on the soccer field, halfway through my fifth grade year and from then on, I wasn't a shy, insecure girl anymore; I was starting to show a different side to myself, my true self.

You mean to say "different side of myself" and this sentence is a little long, maybe make 2 sentences out of this one.

Nice work! You have a great topic, your paper is interesting and easy to read. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Rollover car accident which prevented me from starting school on time [3]

Wow! What an amazing and scary story. Upon reading your essay I was really drawn into the descriptions you provided. I cannot find any grammatical errors, i think your paper sounds great the way it is. It is unique. You have a great style of writing, you don't need to change anything if you don't want to. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'helping people has always been my passion' - UC [8]

I'm thinking you need to sound a little more positive and confident. Let that show through your writing. The college want to know that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. That said, I would just touch on those goals because the essay's topic is more about your achievements, etc.

These two phrases sound a bit weak, maybe just say these things in a more concise way. It can be hard to conclude this type of essay, but I would re-word the final sentence.

1)My first year of high school I found myself easily distracted and my grades suffered, but throughout high school, I learned to manage my time and put effort into my work. I began to work hard paying attention and taking notes during class, studying for test and attending afterschool tutoring.

2)Due to the opportunities given to me, and the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am confident in saying that I am well-adapted and prepared to succeed and be involved in the University of Cincinnati community.

Undergraduate / 'Inspired to become an engineer too' - CLARKSON UNI ESSSAY [2]

Just a few things:

For me, I wish I knew I wanted to be an engineer a lot earlier in life.
Do you think it may sound better this way: For me, I wish I had known earlier in life that I wanted to be an engineer.

I wish I didn't to spend most of my life wondering what I should do or who I should be.
I wish I hadn't spent most of my life wondering what I should do or who I should be.

I worked to develop and recreate a lesson plan focused on wind load and its mechanical impact on structures.
I'd like to know a little more about this, maybe add one more sentence about this lesson plan.

I think your paper is very good. You have a nice style of writing and a great story. Good luck in school!