Scholarship / Raised in Amazon, Brazil - PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]

Your presentation is confusing the reader. The reviewer cannot follow a clear timeline in your presentation. You have to create a clear timeline in the presentation that shows the development of your interest and the qualities that make you a good candidate in a combined fashion. That means, you need to tell the reviewer when you started the project regarding basic education, clean water / electricity. Was this something to undertook after college graduation? During your undergraduate years? As a part of your profession? The foundational discussion for this activity is missing. It should be included because that will display the reasons why you are a perfect candidate for the program. Right now, as a reviewer, I am just confused by your presentation. Without a proper timeline discussion, you cannot properly build up your motivation in relation to your qualifications as a candidate. Those need to go hand in hand.

You need to provide an actual masters thesis topic. You cannot gloss over it. A clear plan of action (with the possibility of changing it later on) will show the reviewer that you have a solid career plan for yourself after graduation. It will add to your motivation for study and help illustrate how you will be spending your time as a student at each university. Try to build on the thesis by providing a clear part of the research that each university and course will contribute to it. You cannot lump it into one group. That shows that you have no idea regarding your study plan and post study application of the knowledge you will have gained.

Letters / Sincere Advice on Recommendation letter, University of Texas, Austin. [3]

Why are you asking for a recommendation from your university professor? You are already a professional, whose supervisor should be writing a recommendation letter for you. The recommendation letter from your supervisor carries more weight than that of your professor because your supervisor can justify your professional interest in a masters course in a manner that your old professor cannot. Somebody who taught you 4 years ago will not be considered an authority regarding your mettle as a student. As a masters degree student, you will be expected to balance your profession with your studies. That is why the supervisor makes for a better reference than your professor. That said, I will review this reference letter in as much as it might help your application, but it will not help you by much since the person writing the reference letter knew you a long time ago and has not had any recent interaction with you as a professional, which is the main basis of the reference letter for a masters course. Any reference letter from a person who has known you, but has not been in contact with you in recent times never helps in an application. The information is too dated and irrelevant in connection to your masters course and professional qualifications.

Research Papers / Abstinence-Only vs. A Well-Rounded Sex Education: The Right to Knowledge [2]

Your thesis presentation is misleading. You open the essay with a reference to sex in general. However, your actual discussion introduction refers to premarital sex. Premarital Sex is different from sex alone. You should be clear with regards to the actual topic for discussion. Never generalize a presentation. Since this is the thesis paragraph, all of the proper information regarding the succeeding discussion paragraphs need to accurate. By the way, sex is not a hot topic. It is a normal part of everyday discussions already. There is nothing controversial about it. Do not refer to merely sex, always refer to premarital sex for clarity purposes.

Separate the discussion between sex based on religious context and sex based on political considerations. You have to divide that presentation as it covers 2 different topic or subjects. Just like in the constitution, there is a division between church and state, the same goes for your discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2 : Studying abroad - Discuss both views [5]

Do not present your opinion in the thesis statement. That should be presented at the end of each public point of view explanation because you are being asked to deliver your personal opinion regarding each reasoning presented in the original prompt. While you properly referred to the public point of view in your first reasoning paragraph, there is a lack of personal opinion towards the end of it. Do you agree with the opinion? Why? Support your opinion with personal knowledge or examples.

Your essay did not properly develop the discussion points for each public point of view so you will definitely lose points for that. The essay is over discussed and your personal opinion takes a concrete side in the discussion. Since an opinion is required, the opinion should be delivered based on each reason provided. You have to show an understanding of both points of view by properly supporting or not supporting each reason provided. As such, the essay is over written but not properly developed. It does not follow the required discussion format.

While you will get a score using this type of presentation, you will not get the highest possible score because of certain formatting errors on your part. The discussion format is always indicated in the original prompt. All you have to do is follow the topic, reason, and presentation format as indicated. Analyze the essay requirements before you write the essay, Do not begin writing immediately after reading the prompt. Outline first. Make sure all the discussion aspects are represented in your draft, then finalize it based on the required content and format.

Writing Feedback / Environmental protection is the responsibility of politicians, individuals can do too little [2]

You only have 40 minutes to write this essay. There is absolutely no way you can complete all of the requirements of the presentation and write an essay this long. You approached it as an opinion paper for a class rather than a simple paper that proves your ability to write in English. This should only be a 4 paragraph essay, composed of the 3-5 restatement, 2 reasoning paragraphs, and a summary conclusion. You really need to learn to write less, but make more sense with the short writing. That way you also avoid grammar and presentation errors. You failed to proof read this paper for errors. You are using examples from your home country, without first introducing your reader to the example you will be using, thus leaving the reader confused and wondering what the point of that presentation is. You need to focus less on the number of reasons and more on the clarity of your explanation because it is the clarity that is scored, not the length or number of reasons in a paper.

Letters / Cover Letter for Security Officer in United nations [2]

This cover letter should not be a simple summary of your qualifications and years of service. You should also be indicating a motivation for your desire to join the force. It should also contain a formal presentation tone. The opening sentence is too friendly. Almost as if you are familiar with the person reading the letter and this is just a formality because you already have the job. Do not use a presumptuous tone in the letter. Consider the letter the first part of your actual interview for the job. Be serious and use the formal tone throughout the presentation.

A cover letter should not be more than 2 paragraphs unless you are responding to actual prompts within the letter. In which case, you should not write more than 5 paragraphs. For this letter, since you are merely introducing yourself to the reader, use bullet points to highlight only the most important aspects of your application. You do not need to present a resume in the cover letter. It should only be an introduction to the rest of your documentation, which should in turn, qualify you for the applicant roster.

Writing Feedback / Is it true that even not talented child can be taught to become a good sport athlete or musician? [3]

Please sign up for our premium review services or make the thread URGENT to get a score for your essay. Student scoring is not allowed so any student who scores an essay will find his account immediately suspended. So I do not advise that any student try to score an essay at this forum.

Your first paragraph, which is the prompt restatement is incorrect. It has to be composed of at least 4 sentences covering your own representation of the topic for discussion, the 2 discussion reasons, and the discussion instruction. None of these are reflected in your presentation. It is an improper thesis restatement.

Your are going against the discussion instructions. For this type of essay, you cannot use a singular point of view, as you have in your current presentation. Rather, you need a dual point of view discussion per paragraph using the following format:

Sentence 1: Public point of view (use third person references)
Sentence 2: Public point of view reason / explanation (using third person references)
Sentence 3: Transition sentence indicating a change in discussion points
Sentence 4: Your personal point of view
Sentence 5: Explanation supported by examples or justifications

Your essay is being written as a first timer. So I can understand your confusion when it comes to the final presentation and discussion method. It would be better if your reviewed the different discussion types and discussion presentation requirements before you try to write another practice essay. That way you will be better informed regarding the discussion presentation and parameters.

Grammar, Usage / Simple Sentences_written by Patrick Alexander [4]

Your sentences are all grammatically incorrect. However, I cannot pinpoint the errors in the presentation precisely because you did not tell me what kind of review you actually need. All I can do for now is advise you on what grammar rules you need to brush up on to help you improve with your writing. In all the sentences, you need to use the past tense of the presentation because the events hve already occurred. Read about past, present, and future tense usage, along with its other variations. You should also learn to use comparison words (I would like to eat out... RATHER than hang out...). You should start with these suggested lessons first. You are still learning to write simple sentences so you need to learn the basics of English grammar first.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Traffic and accommodation problems are increasing - moving from cities to rural areas [2]

Nothing is ever true in any Task 2 presentation. Do not make any claims of truth when there is no reference to such in the original prompt. You will never be asked to vouch for the validity of any statement provided. You will only be asked to give your opinion. Saying something is true, when it could otherwise not be true is a lie and exaggeration. Avoid making questionable claims in your paraphrased presentations.

Your restatement is inaccurate as it does not make any reference to the government encouraging businesses to move from cities to rural areas. So, you really have a problem here. You have a fictitious overstatement in the first sentence, then a lack of proper paraphrasing in the next. Both of which will cause you TA scoring problems in an actual test. Additional problems will be included because of the lack of proper task paraphrasing in your presentation:

OT: Does advantage outweigh the disadvantages?
YT: I believe that this trend is more likely to have a harmful impact.

There is an inaccurate task response, which will translate into a lack of proper understanding of the task requirement, leading to a response that is not related to the task. You cannot refer to some people in the essay because the focus is solely on the government action of encouraging businesses to move. Did you even bother to read the prompt? Outline the information? Identify who is speaking or the subject of the discussion and why? I cannot even continue to read this essay at this point. There are too many errors that will make it a failing essay due to the inclusion of incorrect discussion reference points.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : NEWSPAPERS VS THE INTERNET [4]

There are several prompts in relation to newspapers and the internet that this essay could allude to. I am not sure about which of these prompts you are responding to because of the lack of the original prompt presentation. So I will just go along with what you wrote, basing my comments on the possible topic as indicated in your restatement. Which, I hope, is an accurate representation of the original prompt.

The first problem with your essay is the addition of information in the first 2 sentences of the restatement. This creates an inaccurate representation of the original prompt. You are expected to fully restate the original presentation without adding any irrelevant information as you did with the first 2 sentence presentations in that paragraph. The focus of scoring for that paragraph is prompt restatement accuracy. So additional information, just to make the discussion more interesting isn't required. If it is not related in content to the original discussion, you will not get additional point for it.

There is no need for the opposing discussion in the second paragraph. You should be focused only on convincing the reader that your opinion is the correct one. That is why you are given 2 paragraphs within which to present your supporting information, without having to refer to a comparative discussion. No comparative discussion reference was made in the original essay, I am sure of it. Therefore, the opposing argument does not help in this aspect. Again, it will not get you extra points.

The second reasoning is under developed. It lacks content, explanation, and justifications. It is going to further pull down your TA score due to lack of proper idea development. Overall, you did not do a very good job with this presentation. You should always make sure that you represent the original discussion points only. Do not add, do not discuss other aspects when not required, and always develop your explanations to get a better overall score.

Undergraduate / Describing Work activities in the essay for The University of British Columbia [3]

You are wasting too much word count on the lead into the actual activity. You are spending too much time describing the activity rather than explaining your responsibilities within the activities. You can keep this more informative by using a proper outline form such as:

Activity 1:
Debate Club - The activity improved my speaking and reasoning abilities though participation in ... where I won...

Activity 2:
Sibling Responsibility - Being the sibling parent of my younger kin due to the work...

You have to focus on the accomplishment within these activities because the reviewer is looking for references to your multi-tasking abilities. You have to make sure that he understands you have the maturity and accomplishments that would qualify you as a college student and the sense of responsibility of an independent adult based on the various activities you have presented and discussed.

Undergraduate / THE ART OF EXPLORING - COMMON APP PROMPT #1 [3]

Based on the varied background, topics, and interests presented in this essay, I do not believe that it accurately fulfills the requires for Common App 1. The common app that you chose focuses on a background, identity, interest, or talent. It has to be singular in nature and representative of only 1 of the 3 choices. You are really covering a very diverse background in this presentation that goes well into your personal, academic, and athletic background. These are the reasons why I do not believe you should use common app 1 for this presentation.

You will do better if you use the open topic essay. By using an inclusive title that also indicates a clue as to the discussion flow, the reviewer may gain a keener interest in this truly enlightening piece of writing. Try to develop a title that will allow you to create your own prompt, based on the inclusive information. That way the requirements of the open topic essay will be fulfilled in totality. This is too good a piece of writing to not use. You just have to adjust the app that it responds to.

Writing Feedback / Trying to save endangered animal species from extinction is a waste of valuable resources [2]

The essay will be starting its TA score within the failing mark. You only wrote 216 words for this essay. The minimum passing word count is 250. You have not written enough words to establish a properly developed, discussed, and analyzed essay discussion. The proper percentage points for the missing word count will be applied to your TA score, which means the essay will have to overcome a heavy failing score, based on the remaining scoring considerations, provided you did not make any other errors in your presentation. The problem is, there are grammar and sentence structure errors in the overall presentation, which will definitely result in a low GRA score, thus causing more deductions in your final score. You need to always aim to write more, and pay attention to the English grammar rules while you are writing. Consider the proper grammar and sentence structure of your presentations and make sure that all of your paragraphs make sense. In the conclusion, you said that you "restate any view". What any view? This is a grammatically incorrect reference. It should be " I once again restate MY view". By the way, the conclusion needs to be a 40 word summary. That is the format requirement for that paragraph.

Undergraduate / An exuberant boy - UBC ESSAY - Tell us about who you are [2]

There is too much reference to "I" in this essay when the question asks about "They or them". How other people view you. Not how you view yourself, thinking that you can fool the reviewer into believing that this is how other people view you. There needs to be a development of the explanation of how others view you. You gave the opinion of others, but no justification as to how you embody these traits. You have to show supporting explanations for each opinion presented. As for the "what you are most proud of" part, being a dreamer is good, but that is not something that most people would consider an achievement to be proud of. Most dreamers get nowhere unless you are truly skilled and lucky. So use a solid reference to something you did which establishes a character trait that you are most proud of, based upon the way other people see you. A collective presentation of an achievement, that summarizes all that others see as your best personal traits would be best.

Writing Feedback / Extinction of animal species. Reason and solution [2]

Your opening paragraph is not a paraphrase of the original discussion presentation. You have exaggerated the presentation in a manner that does not reflect the original idea of the prompt. However, your response to the reasons and solutions are partially accurate. Partially accurate because you failed to follow your topic outline within your reasoning paragraphs.

Your reasoning paragraph is confusing to read. You are presenting the reasons why humans are doing these activities, but not explaining why it is necessary for humans to do these movements. You are under explaining the reasons and not really presenting a developed and convincing paragraph in this case. As for your solutions, you are not relating the solutions to the original reasons nor the reasons you actually presented. These errors created a less than coherent and cohesive statement in this essay. All of which will have a scoring down effect on your TA and C&C scores.

Writing Feedback / Learning and working from home, positive or negative development? [4]

The format for your response should be a single opinion approach. You are asked if this is a positive or negative development. You were not asked to discuss the positive and negative development of this point of view. There is a difference between the two. The first one, the original presentation, seeks your opinion based on 2 related reasons for one opinion. You have to pick either a positive or negative discussion, not both. The other format, is a comparative discussion, which, if the essay allowed, would have asked you to discuss both points of view. You clearly did not understand the discussion instructions since you opted to do a comparative discussion in a single opinion presentation. Your final score will reflect this error based on an unrelated response consideration.

Scholarship / What is the hardest you have ever worked on something in your life? [4]

The impact upon yourself is clear in the essay. It fails to explain how your experience has helped others though. Which is the other point of the discussion. While your explanation is personal, it does not help to address a personal effect with a grander application. By a grander application, I mean allowing your experience to help others. For example, you left school when you were 8. You were not allowed back in when you tried to study at the age of 21. So you fought for admission, explaining the process that gained you the right to go back to school. Then, from then on, others of adult age have been able to go back to school as well. That kind of story.

You have to present a response that is based upon your principles as a person. Why you believed that something was worth fighting for, how it affected others at first, and how your success allowed others to experience the same success you did, but without the hardship involved already. The idea is to present yourself as a principled role model to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Modern technology has made shopping today easier, while others disagree. Discuss both view [2]

You are not being asked to give a verdict in this essay. Only an opinion. A task 2 essay will never ask you to come to a conclusion because there is no conclusion to be made. You cannot make a decision for other people. That is why this is a public opinion comparison with your personal opinion presentation. You can only offer a personal opinion for each public opinion presented based upon your explanation of the public opinion and your degree of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You have provided solely personal opinions in this presentation, which do not account for an explanation based on the public point of view. The format is incorrect. The more appropriate format is:

Sentence 1: Public opinion
Sentence 2: Explanation of the public opinion
Sentence 3: Transition to your personal opinion
Sentence 4: State your personal opinion
Sentence 5: Explanation / reasoning presentation to convince the reader of your opinion.

Writing Feedback / All young people should be required to stay in full-time education until at least the age of 18 [3]

Always give a proper and direct response to the given discussion question at the end of the first paragraph. Your response does not follow the required format, which means you are providing an unrelated response based on the given topic. Your response should have a measured degree of disagreement with the given statement. You cannot both agree and disagree, as you presented in the response you wrote. That is because there are only 2 extent choices provided. You were not given room to present a comparative discussion, only a single opinion representation. It is this error that created the failing response approach and format for this essay. Next time, make sure that you understand the discussion requirements. Do research. Learn the difference between a single opinion essay and a comparative discussion essay, as required for the Task 2 test. There are clear differences that should help you properly address the essay discussion during your next practice test.

Graduate / SOP - DOCTORAL DEGREE IN ECONOMICS (AGRICULTURAL ECONOMICS) [3]

This is a personal statement, not a statement of purpose. I do not suggest that you try to use this as a purpose essay with your application because it does not reflect the requirements of a PhD SOP. Put a pin in this. Use it only if you are asked to present a personal statement with your application forms.

You are applying for a doctoral degree, so you have to start the discussion beginning from the time when you started working again in the field after you completed your masters course. You should not be telling the reviewer that you lost interest in agriculture or anything like that because you will also lose your chance to get a student slot. You have to make sure that you highlight your interest in progressing agricultural economics in your country based on your experience, observations, and desire to advance the professional field by learning advanced theories and developing practical skills that you can take back with you to help you train the other people in your country that work in the same field. Your SOP should reflect a desire to prevent the projected food crisis, high importation bill, among others, by helping the government develop indigenous food production. That should be the focus of your dissertation and the purpose for your advanced studies. Explain why you believe that a PhD in this field will help you become an excellent participant in the Cocoyam Rebirth Alternative. Focus the dissertation on connecting that program, with your proposed research as supported by the university you are applying to.

Graduate / SOP For Civil engineering at CMU [3]

Since you already have a masters degree certification, you do not need to focus so heavily on your undergraduate course. For the statement of purpose in this case, you should be explaining how your undergraduate thesis relates to your masters thesis, culminating in your PhD dissertation. The dissertation should clearly show how you will be able to apply all of your previous studies to your PhD studies. The idea, is to show a clear purpose for your dissertation that will relate either to career progression or breakthrough studies that will help further improve the field of mechanical engineering.

I can see that you have a strong academic background, but you do not have any convincing professional skills and research traits presented that would imply you would be a successful PhD student. It would be better if you could highlight your research skills as a student and a professional since a PhD requires you to do a tremendous amount of research based on your chosen topic. This will show that your purpose is truly something of interest to you and will be beneficial to both you and the university upon your graduation. If possible, relate some of your undergraduate and masters research to the current program of the professor to add to the idea that your purpose has a definite connection with ongoing research at the university, through the professor.

The essay should not only be about what you hope to obtain at the university, you should also be able to highlight how the university will benefit from your purpose of study.

Letters / Information and Communication Technology - Motivation Letter for master's program study [4]

This motivation letter is not useful to your application because you have failed to properly explain your motivation for a career change. Since you clearly indicated your target and reason for enrolling in a masters course, which is to change your career path, then you should be focused on explaining the reasons why you believe that you need to change career paths. Not just justify that you have the academic background for it. Even if you have the background for it, if the motivating factors are not proper, then you cannot convince the reviewer that you should be allowed to enroll in the program. Personal reasons, such as now having the money to support your family, among others, do not have a place in a motivation letter.

Writing Feedback / An opinion essay: It is important that children with a wide range of abilities and from a variety... [5]

This is an essay with a perfect line of reasoning. Well developed, presented, and clearly explained. The essay itself shows that you clearly understood the discussion topic provided and the reasons that wouild justify proper reasoning. You were able to convince the reader of your opinion because you managed to discuss relevant and related reasons in both reasoning paragraphs. However, the perfection of the essay is affected by one teeny, tiny flaw. You did not respond to the discussion question properly.

The discussion question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" You gave a non response to the question. You said "I am of this opinion". Which means you simply agree. There is no range or measurement of agreement with the opinion such as, "I agree completely with this suggestion as students will benefit from the mixed skills classroom experience."

Aside from that flaw in the TA section, the response to the question in terms of reasoning is very good and highly qualified for a good score.

Writing Feedback / Allowing advertisements in the school for more budget [2]

Your prompt restatement does not contain information from the original prompt so I am unsure as to the degree of acceptability of your restatement. When you change the information from the original prompt, which you forgot to provide, you tend to end up changing the total discussion focus from the original presentation. Additionally, when you are asked to agree or disagree or support / not support a given statement, that should be presented as the thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph. That is not placed in the concluding paragraph because the concluding paragraph is meant to summarize the given information to help you present the same prompt, but in a new manner, this time adding your opinion and reasons to the original discussion presentation.

This is not the type of discussion question that allows you to offer an opinion and also a support/non support statement. This error in your presentation makes me believe that you made up your prompt requirement for this essay. It did not come from a book, it did not come from the available practice prompts online either. That is why you have not written the essay in a manner uniform in requirement to an IELTS task 2 essay.

Now that you know why this presentation will not work as a Task 2 essay, let me give you a general review of your work.

Your thesis statement, the "In my opinion" part should never be a stand alone sentence. Regardless of the kind of essay you are writing, the thesis statement is always presented at the end of the first paragraph / introduction paragraph. The reason being that the thesis statement gives reason to the previous sentences that include the topic, reasons for the discussion, and your opinion or additional information, which come together to create a discussion point for your essay.

A complete paragraph requires a 3-5 sentence presentation. A single sentence presentation as you have in your first rasoning paragraph shows a lack of fully explained and developed reasoning. It will not convince the reader of your opinion nor give additional strength to your overall essay. It removes the coherence and cohesiveness of the statement you are providing in that paragraph.

Rhetorical questions should not be used in an essay because it could accidentally change your provided thesis statement or discussion points. It is always best to present statements of opinion rather than a question in an academic / opinion essay.

Writing Feedback / The news media has significant influence on the daily lives of human [2]

Remember that people are divided on the issue of "fake news" these days. So you cannot say that something is an undeniable influence. There will be people who will disagree with you or deny such a claim. Avoid exaggerations in your restatements. Just stick to the information provided so that you do not accidentally over-do your presentation. Additionally, you should review the original discussion instructions when you finish drafting your essay. Never assume that you properly discussed the presentation without double checking the original source. As you can see, in your presentation, you changed the discussion slant of the presentation, thus creating a totally different prompt discussion, which would have led to your failing this test because your response is not related to the given question.

Please take note of the following:

OT: SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT THE NEWS MEDIA NOWADAYS HAVE INFLUENCED PEOPLE'S LIVES IN NEGATIVE WAYS
YT: It is undeniable that the news media has significant influence on the daily lives of human these days.

- Where is the negative influence statement?

DI: TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
R: While I accept that this seems a negative development, I personally believe that the benefits of the news media far outweighed its drawbacks.

- There is no given response to the question provided.

You changed the original prompt from beginning to end. You turned this into a benefit and drawback discussion when the actual discussion point is based on your agreement or disagreement with the discussion topic. These errors will lead to a failed TA score. Which means you may not get a passing score for this essay when the other GRA, C&C, or LR errors are deducted from the remaining scoring considerations. It does not look good for your final, overall score.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that artist should have total freedom to express any thoughts and ideas. [2]

Avoid making claims that are not supported by the original prompt. You are claiming that the topic is "often argued" but in reality, there was no reference to that in the essay. There is a world of difference between "often argued" and "some people think". The former contains a tone of anger while the latter has a discussion tone. The discussion tone is what should have been reflected in the prompt restatement. There is no need to refer to "my perspective" because you are already personally disagreeing with the given statement. Good job on referring to your response to the question. It was on point.

Do not use numerical ordinals at the start if you are not going to use it successively within the presentation. Just use topic sentences. Those will help you get a better score than the count or connecting reference phrases. Try to limit your reasons per paragraph. You should make sure that you always use 2 connected ideas in the presentation so that you can fully develop the discussion presentation. The main flaw of your presentations are the under developed paragraphs due to the lacking explanations to support the numerous reasons you present per paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Final Course Reflection Paper on Communication class, Introduction to Argumentation and Debate [3]

This paper requires professional proofreading to clean up the severe grammatical errors within the presentation. While the essay itself remains understandable, the mangled English grammar makes one wonder how you were able to properly participate in and English debate and actually pass the class. There are times when the presentation begins to ramble on, not really staying on topic and referring to other materials that you used to help improve yourself as a debater. You are also repetitive, constantly repeating "what I learned..." every chance you get. There is no need for such redundancy because the reader already knows that this is a self assessment paper. There is no need to constantly remind the reader about it. You may want to consider hiring our private editing and proofreading services to help you clean up this presentation.

Undergraduate / Describe how you can apply the knowledge gained from your master studies to contribute to your home [2]

This essay was almost a total throw away. That is, until I reached the last portion of the final paragraph where I finally found some information that you can use to properly respond to the discussion essay prompt. Work on developing your response based on the following portion of the current essay:

I will use my leadership skills... nations of the world.

By properly developing your discussion based on the elements presented in that section, you will be able to clearly explain how you will apply the knowledge you will be gaining upon your return home. Work on adding more information to it. Expand certain discussion points. Think of additional information that you did not include the first time because you misunderstood how to respond to the prompt.

Letters / MSc motivation letter to pursue the scientific tradition with a global education in Neuroscience [3]

This is an over discussed personal statement. It is not a motivational letter. The motivational letter can be accomplished within 5 paragraphs if each paragraph properly informs the reviewer. The essay you wrote falls more under the classification of a personal statement. So you can put a pin in this and use it in the appropriate application essay. For now, you should work on writing a proper motivation letter.

Par. 1: Why this course? Base the motivation on your current position, duties, responsibilities
Par. 2: What do you see as your future career path? Why?
Par. 3: What are your academic needs that you hope to meet by studying this course?
Par. 4: How do you see yourself applying the knowledge to your current duties?
Par. 5: Why this university? How does it address your academic pursuits?

These are the questions that a motivation letter should inform the reviewer about. It is unfortunate that you were unable to do this in your current essay. Though this essay is well written, it does not address the requirements of a motivation discussion essay.

Writing Feedback / About Introverts and their characters [2]

Your quote from Ghandi does not fit in with the previous discussion presentations. It appears that the statement doesn't really need that quote to close it because you already presented an acceptable discussion regarding the concept of an introvert. While you properly developed that discussion with a thorough explanation, you failed to properly develop the extrovert discussion. That discussion, should have been presented as a separate paragraph. By developing that discussion separately, you would have been able to better explain the comparison points between an introvert and an extrovert. The statement itself is alright, but, if you implement my suggested improvements, the statement can be even better.

The quote from Ghandi doesn't work because you did not explain what the connection of shaking the world is with being an introvert. How does that statement contradict the idea behind an extrovert? What is the connection of the quote with the actual discussion? You have to develop that quote in line with one character or both should you wish to retain it in the presentation. You need to make sure the quote will make sense to the reader and properly apply itself to one or both character traits.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to truly relax and reduce stress [3]

You have changed the prompt discussion parameters. That means, you did not understand the prompt discussion instructions. This essay will receive an overall failing score because of it. You were asked to agree or disagree with the given statement. Instead, you discussed the importance of relaxing in terms of reducing stress instead. Your restatement is incorrect and will be given a failing TA score because of it. Once you have a failing TA score, you will find it extremely difficult to pull up the rest of the scoring rubic to achieve a passing mark. To pass this test, you have to first, properly understand the given topic and the discussion instructions. Second, you have to present a discussion based on the given discussion requirements and supplied reasons. This essay does not accurately restate the given prompt nor give a proper response to the given discussion question. Therefore, the format for the discussion that was used is incorrect and not applicable to the provided discussion topic.

Writing Feedback / You recently received an email from your English-speaking friend, who is going to have a holiday [3]

You were able to follow the instructions for writing the letter very well. However, the paragraph presentations could have been better developed. Specially the second paragraph which was left totally undeveloped in the presentation. The invitation to visit the country should be accompanied by the offer to be a tour guide in the second, not third paragraph.

You enumerated tourist spots in the second paragraph but you did not really elaborate on why your friend should visit Vietnam based on those places. There was no enticing spot for Pat to come visit you. There is no sense of friendship or reconnecting that you hope to accomplish with your friend by having the person come spend the holiday with you, looking at sites and enjoying your bonding time.

The letter itself meets all the requirements, but could have been presented in a better, more enticing manner that could have improved the overall score by increasing the TA score during the review process.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Academic Task 2 - Essay about self-employed [5]

The original prompt needs to be restated in as close a manner as the original topic. You cannot present information that is not contained in the original prompt due to the way it changes the discussion pattern for the essay. As such, your TA score will be failing because the information provided is totally unrelated to the original task. Your question response is also confusing to the reader. It does not make any sense to the reader.

You are over discussing the presentation. You should focus less on using word fillers and more on presenting clear explanations that relate to the topic in every paragraph. You can do this within 5 sentences. Instead, your paragraphs are all under developed, your reasons unrelated and lacking in cohesiveness, which leads to incoherent discussion points.

The comparative discussion should have shown a paragraph of positive discussion, then a paragraph of negative discussion that shows the errors of the advantage discussion. Your presentation fails to do this so you will have a hard time convincing the examiner that you actually understood the discussion instructions for the presentation.

Graduate / SOP Review for CMU's Master of Software Engineering (MSE for Professionals) [2]

The presentation itself is more of a lengthened experience presentation rather than a statement of purpose. From beginning to end, you do not refer to any ideas that may be understood as representative of a purpose for your masters studies. You have presented yourself as a well trained applicant, who is lacking in an actual purpose, thesis idea, professional plans, or university choices. This is not the kind of statement that contains any sort of purpose. There are only explanations regarding your work experience. Where is the purpose? What course are you enrolling it? How does it apply to your current job or future goals? What school are you applying to? How does the school answer your demand for technical training and theoretical knowledge? If I were the reviewer, I would not be impressed by you upon reading this paper. I would not accept your application to the university.

Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate how to produce cement and the process of making concrete from it [2]

Your first sentence is confusing. You need to indicate the number of diagrams and give separate overview presentations for each. The way that you have it presented, it is as if the two different processes are combined into one. That presentation lacks clarity and separation of information, which is a requirement when discussing 2 images for comparison purposes.

The first sentence in your third paragraph is another confusing presentation. You forgot to indicate that water does not "go along" but rather is "added" to the mixture along with gravel and sand. Rather than saying in detail, which is a bit confusing to understand, you could have instead used the phrase "The mixture is composed of..." to clearly indicate that the elements are all mixed together to create a final product.

Overall, you wrote a good number of words, but lacked clarity in some instances, which would affect the TA score of your essay. There are also some misused words, as I indicated above, which would have also lowered your LR score. Pay more attention to the clarity of your presentation next time. Make sure the reader will not be stressed out or confused by your presentation. When that happens, your GRA score will definitely be affected. The combination of all of these errors in your essay will definitely hinder you from getting an above average mark.

Undergraduate / UBC Essay - My way to react to an issue and/or an unfamiliar situation [2]

The essay should have a singular topic for its focus. At this point, you are merely narrating all of your negative experiences in school but you have not properly developed the discussion to show a lesson learned. No, using a movie quote to show the lesson you learned does not qualify as an actual learning in this essay. Pick one reference point, fully develop that presentation with a properly written narrative. Tell your story and at the end, close it with the learning moment that came out of the situation. Otherwise, you are not doing anything but merely complaining about the bad time you had for one year in high school. Which does not really respond to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / University of British Columbia Essay - How would you describe yourself? [2]

The reviewer will read this and know that you are writing about yourself, using other people as the reference point. That is not what the reviewer wants to know about. He is not interested in your academic achievements and extra curricular achievements. He wants to get to know you as a person. What is your character in reference to discipline as instilled by your parents in you, how you get along with other people such as friends, and how you function as a team member in a community setting. The proudest achievement should show how managed to blend all of these characters into your personality to create the person you are today. Your response is not applicable to the requirements of the reviewer. Look at the other sample responses to the same prompt at this forum. Those should help you get a better idea as to how to properly respond to this prompt.

Undergraduate / NTU Scholarship Essay - Personal Importance - How a simple incident in my life had motivated me [2]

The essay that you wrote is nothing more than a suck up presentation, hoping that making it seem like you had been focused on entering NTU all your life will get you into the university. The reviewer will not consider this a believable essay because of several factors:

- The age reference in the essay
- The profound influence a simple conversation would have had on a child who is too young to have any career ambitions
- A marked influence the words of a friend can have on your decision to enter NTU.
- A flat tire actually gave you an epiphany (totally unbelievable)

The essay is shallow, unbelievable, and totally not qualified as a Personal Importance essay. A personal importance essay has to show how an event influenced a sense of maturity, a decision about your life (at a believable age), or a change of mindset. None of these appear in this essay. This is the kind of essay that a reviewer will not take seriously and could seriously hurt your application chances.

Writing Feedback / The essay about the effect of the development in technology [2]

This essay will get a failing score because your discussion is not only confusing to the reader due to the horrible sentence presentations and paragraph development, but also because the discussion you are presenting is not even remotely connected with the discussion topics from the original presentation. As such, this will be scored based on your inability to relate your discussion to the given information and discussion instructions. There is no sense in writing such a long essay that does not make any sense to the reader. You should not write just for the sake of writing. Rather, you should write based on an understanding of the original requirements and instructions. You need to show that you understood the original prompt and can follow English instructions. I am not sure what you are writing about here but you are definitely off base. Rather than writing a simple opinion essay, you delved into a deep discussion of a topic only you understand because you made it up. This is not a passing essay at all.

Writing Feedback / Getting promotions is one of the biggest motivators for hard work in the modern workplace. [3]

Always break down the original prompt before you write your paraphrase. Make sure that you do not use information in your paraphrase that changes any part of the original presentation. Your essay changes the factors for consideration from promotions, hard work, and modern workplace to manger, employees productivity, advancement opportunities. Note the difference in discussion points from the original topic sentence to yours. This changed the theme of the discussion, making your topic inaccurate at that point. You are no longer on point with your discussion presentation. Then your discussion topics changed from why people are driven to receive promotions and factors that motivate people to work hard to 2 causes involved (in what?) and equally pressing elements ( for a promotion?) You do not seem to understand the original discussion presentation and information requirements for your reasoning paragraph. Your paraphrase is way off base.

It would have been better if you had used a topic sentence in the second paragraph instead of saying "besides promotion" because the promotion discussion was a significant part of the discussion presentation of this essay. Always start the next paragraph with a topic sentence instead. That will help create a more applicable presentation instead of negating the previous discussion topic.