Writing Feedback / coursework - descriptive writing [2]

The essay itself is descriptive. However, the descriptiveness does not help the story move forward. The descriptions should not merely be about the background or straight actions. You need to make sure that your descriptions move the story forward. You have to describe the actions, the movements, the pieces of equipment, even the sky color if you wish, so that the descriptions bring the reader into the story with you. The descriptive writing you have presented is flat and one - dimensional. It is not very interesting because there is no true story being told. The actions unfolding do not connect to create an interesting story for the reader. The descriptions, actions, and story need to work together to form a more engaging descriptive writing piece. You have shown the potential to be good at describing things, so with a little more work, you should be able to develop a truly interesting descriptive writing piece.

Writing Feedback / The conscription of Unpaid community service at high school - IELTS Task 2 agree or disagree [4]

The format you have chosen to use for this essay is incorrect. In fact, even with your incorrect 5 paragraph format, your essay is still under the word count at 242 / 250 words. So you automatically get word point deductions for not meeting the word count. Then, your paragraphs oftentimes only have 2 sentences in them, when the required count is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. So the formatting of this essay alone will already be a problem that will limit your scoring capability in the overall scoring consideration.

While your reasoning is acceptable, this essay only requires 2 reasoning paragraphs, not 5. Only comparative discussions with a personal opinion use the 5 paragraph format. You should aim to be consistent with your sentence count. 5 lines per paragraph to make sure that you meet the minimum word count at the very least. It will help to add clarity to your idea presentation and give you a chance to really write a mix of simple and complex sentences. Never use single sentence presentations (run-on sentences) or multiple idea presentations per sentence (still a run-on).

Scholarship / Chevening leadership essay - being a natural leader [3]

The presentation is too simple. The opening presentation is a throw-away that does not have any relevance in the presentation. The college leadership experience lacks proper and more comprehensive development to convince the reviewer that you actually had to overcome obstacles that matter to your leadership and influencing skills. There is no potential in the presentation to indicate that you have the potential to make a marked difference as a national leader in the making from your college days.

The professional presentation should not focus on the influence you have on your students within the classroom. Rather, try to discuss situations that had you leading the faculty through a difficult situation. Show your ability to lead and influence your co-workers. Not students who do not have a choice. You are a teacher and their leader and influencer by default. Never use the classroom experience to justify leadership and influencing skills. That is a given and does not reflect potential leadership skills in a professional setting. The idea, is to prove that by being a teacher, you will be able to effect change within your profession that could have a potential effect on your ability to become a national leader and influencer in this profession. Make sure that your leadership experience will somehow, connect with your networking skills in the next essay. Somehow, you will have to connect the 2 in a manner that will not repeat information.

Writing Feedback / Increased human lifespans - IELTS task 2 advantages and disadvantages [3]

In the prompt paraphrase, you have to clearly indicate, through a restatement, the discussion instructions. You could have done that by indicating:

... The extended lifetime of a person has resulted in both advantages and disadvantages. My opinion, is that the negatives of the longer life expectation will result in more negatives than positives.

Since this is a 3 paragraph discussion, your essay is missing a complete paragraph. This is the paragraph that should be representing the explanation of your personal opinion. The first 2 paragraphs have to explain the public opinion that support each point of view. Since you were asked to present your opinion separately, then it should be in a stand alone paragraph before the concluding presentation. So your presentation is only partially prompt adherent. You will lose points for not being able to defend your personal opinion as indicated by the original prompt.

Your opening and concluding paraphrase are both incomplete. These should completely cover the restatement of the original topic and idea presentations. 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You don't really convince the reader properly within those opening and closing presentations. It weakens the essay when your paraphrase presentation is not comprehensive as it should be.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Sad but true, we become less happier and unsatisfied than we were in the past [2]

Your opening paragraph is not very understandable to a native English speaker. You are making claims that are not related to the original presentation. Your response is also incomplete as you do not offer a direct response: Do you agree or disagree? Why? Rather, we have a long winded paragraph that tries to impress the examiner with your English vocabulary, which, when all the words are put together, did not make for an understandable sentence. The main problems with your presentation are as follows:

- Lack of clarity in your presentation based on difficult to understand explanations and ideas
- Problems with word choice and usage
- An extreme problem when it comes to grammar and formality within the presentation

While you did use a good example by basing the discussion on your experience, you need to focus on the clarity of your presentation. Your sentence development is negatively affected by your inability to choose the proper words to use in the presentation. I can see your potential to pass this test. You understood the question but failed to properly express yourself. The solution would be to develop your vocabulary and increase your sentence building / writing exercises so that you will learn to write clearly by using the correct word choices.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - Leadership Must Be Nurtured Since Childhood [4]

You are over the maximum word count. For proper formatting you should not go past 450 words. The reviewer will appreciate short but relevant leadership essays rather than 500 words that do not relate nor prove any national leadership and influencing potential on your part. The reviewer really does not care for your childhood backstory and academic activities. These do not prove that there is a leadership ability being developed. Neither did it indicate a true influencing potential. Focus your essay instead on your career as a banker. Discuss the time or times when you were called upon to lead and influence others towards the completion of a project. I did not read anything about these in the paragraph, which made this important presentation even less relevant than the rest of the essay. The overall essay is over written, without actually providing the required information. The reviewer will not allow this essay to get to the next round. It sounds more like a college personal statement application essay than a leadership and influencing discussion presentation. We need clear examples of leadership and influencing skills. Show, don't tell. Telling the reviewer will not prove anything. Showing how you led and influenced might have the convincing power required to make the reviewer consider your potential as a national leader and influencer.

Writing Feedback / Why "discovery" is important for me [4]

You are not writing a text message. You are not writing in shorthand. You are not writing in an academic manner. Any teacher who reads this will automatically fail you in the class. "sth" means something in text, but it does not mean anything in proper and formal English writing. Your essay sounds more like you are just trying to be sarcastic, focusing on just getting the work over with rather than actually trying to write something that you can be proud of because your teacher will give you a passing grade. Your lack of focus on the proper development and content of this essay is clearly non-existent. Your presentation does not have any essence, thought process, or proper discussion presentation. This is a joke that no English teacher will ever take seriously.

Writing Feedback / [WRITING TASK 1] The average on cell phone, national fixed line amd international fixed line service [3]

Although you wrote just the right number of words for this essay, you neglected to edit your paper before submitting it for review / grading. You have to understand that the more mistakes you make, the less you review your paper for errors that need to be corrected, the lack of obvious editing skills to help increase your final score, the more percentage deductions you will receive based on the individual scoring rubic. Multiple spelling errors, grammar structure problems, and lack of clarity in your thought presentations are what will prevent this essay from receiving a passing score. Do not rush the completion of this essay. Maximize the 20 minutes and use the remaining time to correct any errors you can find. You may not find all the errors, but those that you do manage to find and correct will help lower the percentage deductions in the individual scoring sections. It could help you avoid getting a failing score when the overall score is generated after the individual review of your presentation errors.

You are writing run-on sentences. You need to follow the proper writing format for this essay which is , by standard, 3 paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each. You only have 2 run on sentences per paragraph that shows a lack of grammar range and accuracy. This will definitely affect your final score in a major way.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - WHETHER INTERNET-BASED SELF-STUDY CAN REPLACE FORMAL EDUCATION. [3]

Kindly review the question you are being asked to respond to. This is not an essay that is asking you to create a new opinion and present it. Rather, you are being asked to describe the extent by which you agree or disagree with the given statement. Therefore, you cannot respond with "I believe...". Rather, you should respond with: "I disagree with this statement to the degree that I believe formal schooling..." Always include a reference to the measured response as indicated in the original prompt. Otherwise you are not really responding to the task requirements.

You should never offer a comparative discussion in an extent essay because you are being asked to defend your singular response to the question. You need to use 2 reasons that will convince the reader that your opinion is valid and based on either personal experience, knowledge, or currently and publicly known facts regarding the discussion topics. Use the comparative essay presentation only for Advantage v. Disadvantage discussions or Dual POV discussion with a personal point of view reference.

Writing Feedback / The topic of how necessary the public areas are [2]

You have misrepresented the original topic, which means you changed the prompt requirement. This deviation could result in points being deducted from your TA score. You are using trigger words as well instead of academic terms (polarized). There was nothing in the original prompt presentation that represented any form of polarization. Yet you referred to such a thing in your presentation. Points will be deducted for an inaccurate rephrasing of the original prompt.

The discussion approach for this essay requires you to convince the reader that you have the correct single opinion in response to this question. You should therefore, be using 2 paragraphs to prove your point. The problem, is that you did not really respond to the direct question being asked in the original prompt, which required a clear response in the paraphrased section. Your TA score will show that your response is inappropriate, resulting in additional deductions from the start of the scoring process for your essay.

Your vocabulary is awkward in this essay. The writing does not feel natural. The word "indispensable" did not feel like it belonged in the sentence that you wrote. Do not write just for the sake of increasing your LR score. If the word you use is not really appropriate for the presentation, it could even work to lower your LR score in the end.

Avoid writing run-on sentences in the conclusion. You need to write 3-5 sentences of restated information from the original topic and, reasoning discussions. Your conclusion is difficult to follow and hard to understand because you chose to use a comma, placing a pause, instead of a period, at the end of certain presented aspects. A pause does not really help the reader to gain a clarity from your writing in the same manner that a period would have.

Writing Feedback / It is widely argued that the railways are more in need of the Government's investment than roads [3]

Your response to the question is incorrect. This is an extent essay. Therefore, a measured response with proper reasoning is required for the paraphrased presentation. You are also creating a misrepresentation of the original prompt by using the phrase " widely argued". There is no argument being presented nor referred to in the original presentation. It is a mere suggestion or discussion, which would have been the more appropriate descriptive words to use in your rephrasing. You may have written the paraphrase with response as:

There are suggestions being made that national leaders must allot more finances to the building of train tracks. An opposite suggestion has also been made that cash should be allowed more for the building of thoroughfares. I disagree completely with the former idea due to the degree by which private vehicles are more beneficial to people, thus requiring more roadway than train lines.

Your opening paraphrase is incorrect in terms of formatting. You are missing one more sentence to meet the minimum requirement. Your concluding paragraph does not offer a clear summary of the previous discussion, which is the required format presentation of the concluding paraphrase. You created a continuing discussion, but failed to complete the presentation so the essay ended on an open presentation rather than a full circle, concluded presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - FAST FOOD RELATED DISEASES [2]

You are making claims in your prompt paraphrase that are not included in the original presentation. There is no reference to "In different parts of the world" in the original prompt. The discussion is only related to local or national governments. Therefore, involving the international community creates a topic deviation which the examiner will spot and deduct points for. Do not exaggerate, do not give opinions where none are required, and most of all, do not make up information just to make your writing seem more exciting than the original presentation. This is also an extent essay, so you have to present a clear demarcation with regards to how far you support the suggestion that government should impose a high tax on food. Your essay lacks a clear opinion in that regard, which will pull down your TA score, making your essay kick-off on a lower than acceptable starting score.

Avoid the use of run-on sentences in the opening and concluding paraphrase sections. This is a common error among test takers. You still need to follow the 3-5 sentence format for those sections. Writing those sections properly could actually help to boost your overall score.

Undergraduate / Lifelong bonds - What is important to you? And why? [2]

There is a disconnection between the first few sentences in your presentation and the rest of your essay. You should reformat the first half of your presentation. You have to show the reviewer early on that there was a strong friendship / bond that was developed between you and your grammar school friends. Explain how it developed and why this development was important to your growth as a person. More importantly, explain how their friendship helped you stop being the awkward person you knew you were at the start. You should consider making the essay a bit deeper in terms of context. It feels too shallow at the moment. Almost as if you are just stating things as a matter of fact rather than narrating an important time in your life that helped you discover the importance of friendship and the support of friends.

Scholarship / Teaching students for life, not just for a Test: A Leadership Essay for the Chevening Scholarship [3]

A teacher is automatically an influencer. The students have no choice but to follow your directions and learn from what you teach. That does not make you an effective leader, nor an exemplary influencer. The teaching position places you in that situation by default. That is very clear in the presentation that you created. You are a mentor, but not necessarily an influencer. You are leader, but you do not necessarily exhibit leadership skills. Not when the position makes you a leader and influencer of a group that does not have a choice but to follow you. The leadership and influencing essay needs to have you in a mature leadership and mentoring role. It should not be in relation to teaching minors but rather, it should show how you manage to win over people of the same age. Only when you lead a group of people either the same age or older than you will you be able to claim a true leadership and influencing role in your profession.

Writing Feedback / THE PERFORMANCE OF THE FOURTH INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION IN KOREAN PUBLIC DIPLOMACY [2]

The first 2 sentences are not effective in helping you explain what the problem you will be discussing in your research paper is. Make sure that you clearly explain the issue or situation, perhaps the problem, that the research paper will be addressing. What specific diplomacy question are you posing? Why is it important? How do you plan to research it? Your method of researching isn't really complete as you did not include the survey questions in the abstract. You also forgot to include a summary of the results in relation to the survey you took. Since an abstract can be up to 250 words, you should consider creating a more comprehensive abstract. It should help you complete the purpose of the abstract and also, allow you to create a clearer overview of your research paper. Right now, it feels rushed and lacking in content presentation.

Writing Feedback / Report about a cooking course (practising for CAE exam) [3]

The format for your presentation is incorrect. You must present an essay report. Not a bulleted discussion per topic. The guide questions were only to help you know what to write in the essay. What you did was, you used it to create the titles for each reporting aspect. That is totally incorrect. You have to write 220-260 words in essay form. The essay needs to reflect a connected thought process that prioritizes the clear explanation of your class experience based on the writing guide provided. Your presentation is merely a series of ideas that you can use to properly develop the relevant paragraphs. These are only place holders. It is not a real essay as required by the task.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus Mundus Joint Master : Tourism and Culture Development - TourDC [2]

Under Covid-19, the tourism industry and the business industry have changed. While the courses offered may still be the same as the previous years, your personal motivation should reflect the changes in these sectors based on the Covid 19 effects on the industries. You are speaking of business and tourism in the old world. In order to show the reviewer that you have seriously considered the classes being offered and its applicability to the new world of tourism and business, you should find a way to present your ideas about how to reactivate tourism and revive business in the post pandemic period using the courses offered during both years.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2: Art classes should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

This is a task 2 essay, not an academic research paper. Kindly remember that you have 40 minutes to complete this task. Therefore, the advisable word count is 275-290 words. This is the word count that will allow you to double check the essay in case you made any significant errors in your writing. Completing the essay with 312 words, but then having errors in grammar, coherence, and LR scoring sections will not result in a good score for you in the end. Any amount of errors, no matter how small, will still result in percentage deductions in those specific rubic sections, which will combine to create a lower than expected overall score for yourself.

Please remember that an agree or disagree essay is written from a singular point of view. The word "or" signifies a solo choice must be made in terms of your supporting opinion. You have to use the 2 reasoning paragraphs to convince the reader that your opinion is the right one. Your TA score will also depend on your correct discussion format since you are being scored on the clarity of your opinion. You are scored on the clarity of your decision. You have to make one choice for your response. Since this is not an extent essay, you cannot support both points to a certain degree. Your discussion approach is incorrect, applicable percentage deductions will be applied. I do not believe that this essay will get a baseline passing score. Most specially because the reverse paraphrase is not existing. You cannot have a complete reverse concluding paragraph with only one sentence. That is always a 3-5 sentence presentation. This is the same problem, with the same reasons, that exist in your opening statement.

Undergraduate / Why I hate the questions where are you from [7]

When you write a personal statement for a college application, you should be focusing on explaining the background of your interest in your college course. How did you come to be interested in this course? How have you prepared yourself for college by honing your skills in relation to this major? How has your interest in this course helped you develop as a person? What did you learn about yourself based upon your desire to advance your interest in the course? Based on your academic interest, how did you come to decide that the school you settled on is the right one for you? Think about anything about yourself and your interest in the course that you were not allowed to present in the other application essays, integrate that information into the personal statement.

While your essay says a lot about who you are, it does not really offer the reviewer an idea as to how your interests integrate into your personality, academic goals, and professional ambitions. You need to make sure that you combine all of the information into the personal essay to help the reviewer get a better idea of who you are, where you are from, and how these all worked together to create a unique personality and a different kind of interest in this field.

Scholarship / Extensive Networking Open many doors for personal and professional growth [2]

Your network should support your career progression. The networks need to be developed via seminars, conferences attended, training participated in, or work assignments in various places / offices across your country. Not once did I read something about these in your essay. You mentioned someone who mentored you, but it did not really qualify as a networking skill or contact because he did not really help you within your job requirements. You are telling the reviewer that you have contacts, but you are not showing the development, nurturing, and professional application of these contacts. There is no way these activities can be useful to past, present, and future Chevening scholars, which is one of the main requirements / justified reasons that should be presented in your networking essay.

Scholarship / Motivation to Create Sustainable Environment - Chevening Studying in the UK Essay [3]

You have not explained how your undergraduate studies have prepared you to take on more challenging classes as an international masters degree student. The essay itself does not tell the reader how you plan to apply the information you will have learned in an actual setting. Referring to what you will learn, without clearly indicating the importance of each course to your current profession does not help your essay. You have to balance the essay, explain how the past connects with the present and, your future. Right now, your essay does not inform the reviewer based on the educational justifications and professional plans that relate to your masters course choices.

Writing Feedback / Writing TASK1- The graph below gives information about car ownership in Britain from 1971 to 2007 [2]

Use the present time frame reference for this essay since you are summarizing (not summarized) the report at the present moment, not in the past. You have not summarized it yet. You are just about to summarize the report for your essay. Review your tense usage rules and practice writing in various time frames to make sure you do not make this mistake again.

All of your sentences do not follow the required 3-5 sentence format. These run-on sentences are what will cause the failure of your essay. You have limited your scoring potential in the GRA score to a non-passing one because you chose to not highlight your writing ability as you should have using the GRA requirements such as various punctuation marks along with simple and complex sentence presentations.

Since this is your first time writing this type of essay, I hope that you can review the other Task 1 essays here so that you will learn how to improve your own work based on the mistakes other people made. You should find that by reading advice given to others, you will be able to improve your work and avoid the same errors which would have caused you problems with your final score.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Information regarding the proportion of people doing volunteer jobs in six different spheres [2]

The standard word count for the task 1 essay is 175-190 words. You have written 211 words, which might mean that you cut into the time requirement for the Task 2 essay. You need to learn to properly analyze the information within a limited word count. The idea is to prove that you can quickly write a comprehensive image report within 20 minutes. You do not need to make it extremely long, just properly informative.

What visual are you talking about? Your summary overview needs to identify the type of image that was presented. You should give the type of image in the summary overview as required. You do not save that for the second paragraph because it makes your summary overview incomplete. You should have also identified the type of measurements used and the comparison categories. Your summary overview is actually overwritten, without offering the required information so you will not score well in that section.

Avoid writing overly long sentences. These run-on sentences in the paragraph presentations will definitely lower your TA and GRA score because you are confusing the reader with too much information in one sentence. You must learn to write clear individual sentences. Make the paragraph informative and easy to follow by using 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Since this is a reporting essay, you do not need to write too much. Just the facts.

Undergraduate / Struggling to answer UBC personal profile prompts because of my personal circumstance. [3]

Consider the individual prompt requirements. Outline what you think is applicable information per prompt, based on your existing social and family experiences. You may just surprise yourself and find that you actually have applicable experiences in life. Had you supplied a list of the prompts you have to respond to, I would have been able to somehow help you direct your personal experiences with the prompt requirements. I am afraid you will have to do that yourself now. Just remember, the older you are, the more relevant your experiences get. Don't lock yourself into a young adult mindset when responding to the prompts. Find the value in your mature life experiences and spin that into a proper response for each prompt. What you can do is try to write an essay for each prompt, post each essay in an individual thread in this forum, and I will review it then, giving relevant advice for each separately posted essay.

Scholarship / Formed not born - Leadership Experience - Chevening Essay [5]

Do not define leadership in a whole paragraph. It is more important to prove you have leadership skills by showing the reviewer your capability to lead. If you notice, your definition paragraph does not follow through on an applicable example of your leadership style in the second paragraph. Therefore, your definition and experience do not create a cohesive presentation. Those 2 have to connect. It is the difficulty in connecting a definition with your actual leadership skill and style that makes me advice the applicants to skip the definition and instead, focus on reflecting their leadership qualities through a narration of applicable leadership instances on a professional level. Unfortunately, your professional depiction is not really impressive. It is too simple and does not reflect your leadership ability as a potential leader in your field of work. The best definition for that paragraph would be a discussion of you as a Team Leader. A Team Leader does not automatically translate into a potential to become a national leader, which is what the Chevening scholarship looks for in its potential candidates.

Writing Feedback / Studying abroad becomes one of the popular students' choices [4]

There are way too many words in this essay. Never write more than 275-290 words to avoid making more errors in your presentation. Within this 2 page essay, you managed to make several errors in spelling, grammar, conciseness, and vocabulary. That means that this essay will have severe points deducted based on the scoring rubic alone, without considering the formatting response errors yet.

You made an error in the TA section when you gave a personal opinion in the restatement paragraph. The prompt is not asking you to give an opinion, it is only asking you discuss 2 connected advantages and disadvantages within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. You changed the prompt instructions by giving a personal opinion and you will receive penalty deductions for that.

Your concluding paraphrase is not reflective of the expected format. This section should not continue to defend your opinion but rather, summarize the discussion points you gave in the reasoning paragraphs along with a restatement of the topic. That takes 3-5 sentences. You have also over discussed the reasoning paragraphs by not sticking to the standard 3-5 sentence format per paragraph.

There are only 40 minutes given for you to write the perfect essay. Focus less on length and more on the clarity of your writing. Use at least 5 minutes to spot and correct any other errors you may have made while drafting the essay.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Uk University - Consulting Company Experience [2]

You have not written a personal statement. This is a curriculum vitae. It is not considered a proper personal statement because of the bullet points formatting. This should be presented as a fluid essay composed of fully understandable paragraphs that depict the development of you interest in the course. The personal statement should help introduce you to the reviewer beyond your interest in the course. This is your chance to explain who you are, beyond your interest in civil engineering or, depict how civil engineering plays an important role in your life. The role that it plays and how you pursue this interest outside of the university or professional setting should show a preparedness to take a masters course. Focus the last part of the essay in the explanation of why you chose this course and university. Try to not use the pandemic in this essay. This is a very worn out reason that has been used this year. The reviewers are very tired of reading the same reason in almost every essay they read. As for the university, skip the ranking and connect your academic interests with the course curriculum instead. Explain how you see the university experience helping you both socially and academically to help prove that you have truly researched the information regarding your course and the university. Make the reviewer believe that you have a personal interest in attending the course and university. There is no convincing aspect in this current presentation.

Writing Feedback / Single-gender vs. Mixed-gender schools [4]

In the first paragraph, the topic restatement should only cover 2 sentences. It should not contain an extra sentence that does not reflect any information from the original prompt (sentence 1). Remove the unnecessary information presentation and your word count will automatically become limited in the presentation. Remember the golden rule: "Every paragraph should only cover 5 lines of writing" that is equivalent to 5 sentences.

Avoid word fillers as well to keep the word count down (To begin with, On the one hand, on the other hand, Moreover, In conclusion, etc.)

Even with over 300 words, you still forgot to discuss your personal opinion in the essay. There is a lack of third person and first person pronoun usage in the presentation paragraphs. These will help the examiner discover who is doing the talking in the 3 paragraphs (2 public third person gender free pronouns for the public opinion + 1 first person pronoun for the personal point of view). The first person point of view needs to be as completely developed as the 2 public POV as this is a requirement in the presentation. You should not make it a single sentence presentation as a part of the conclusion. That creates an open-ended essay, which will lower your score.

Writing Feedback / Should parents let their children decide the job they will do in the future? What's your opinion? [3]

This is a Task 2 essay. It is not a simple class response paper, which is the format that you used for this piece of writing. What you should do is first, learn to properly format the Task 2 essay. To do this task properly, you will need to do the following in terms of formatting:

Par. 1: Topic paraphrase + direct response to the question posed + 2 reasoning topic subjects
Par. 2: Expanded reasoning 1 discussion composed of 5 sentences
Par. 3: Expanded reasoning 2 discussion, 5 sentences maximum
Par. 4: Concluding paraphrase composed of the topic restatement and reasoning summary with a repeat of your personal opinion.

Scholarship / Essay for MasterCard Foundation Scholarship at University of Edinburgh in leadership skills [4]

In order to prove your abilities as a leader, you need to show the development of your successive, successful projects. Unfortunately, your first paragraph does not help establish you in a leadership role. You may want to start with the vice-president position instead. Expand that paragraph to show your leadership skills. Choose only 1 successful project to narrate regarding how you led the project to a successful end.

As the head of the foreign students apartment, you sound more like a landlord than a leader. If you can revise the paragraph to show you as the head of the house instead, focusing on resolving disputes among the housemates, it may just work as a leadership presentation. You will still need at least one more leadership reference to complete the track record though. Do you think you can add one more?

Scholarship / Leadership as an IT Specialist - Leadership skills for Chevening scholarship [3]

Never use a quote from another person to start your essay. You need to use your own words to define what leadership and influencing means to you. These words must be defined based upon how your narrative will depict your strengths in these areas. So, what do you believe is your strongest leadership skill? Why do you think that is important? That is your leadership definition. How do you view influencing others as a leader? If it is a mentor role, then explain why influencing as a mentor has made you an effective leader. After those definitions have been done, use 2 examples in the essay. One strong leadership and one strong influencing example. You don't need 3 examples of leadership. You need one strong example of each that highlights your strengths as a leader and influencer on a national or agency wide scale.

There is no "we" in the leadership essay. You have to establish your identity as the leader in the project you are discussing. How did you end up leading the project? What leadership skills did you use? What other departments or sections were involved where you needed to use your leadership role to make things happen? You really just gave an overview in this essay but did not effectively prove yourself to be a leader or an influencer.

Writing Feedback / The average number of students per class in primary and secondary schools in six regions by 2006 [3]

Actually, the only error you made was that you said the comparison was based on a world average when it was not. It is actually based on a select number of primary schools in several countries. You should have listed the countries instead, that would have helped you avoid confusion when writing your statements. You also confused the reader when you mentioned the bar chart in the summary overview, then turned it into a table in the second paragraph. It would have been better to not have given another image description instead since you already described it in the summary overview. These errors would result in clarity and cohesiveness issues and percentage deductions in an actual test.

A comma is used after the word "and", not before it. There are also instances, such as in your "2006 and," presentation when a comma is not required at all. You also spelled "classes" as "clases", a simple spelling error but one that will still have point deductions in the end. The less mistakes you make, the higher your score.

Speeches / What I think the world will be like in 100 years [4]

The essay itself is too scattered in content with little to no development of the context. You have only provided, but not explained why you think these things would be true in the future. You need to connect the present with the future, dividing each topic into a separate paragraph so that the reader will not be confused about the flow of your ideas.

If you believe that you will most likely be standing on the soil of Mars in 100 years, you should explain why you believe that is a possibility based on the technology that exists and is currently being developed. Personally, I believe that you could have used only one topic for this essay, fully explaining the reasons you support that imaginary possibility throughout. After all, you are being asked to explain how the world would change in 100 years. I would have focused on Mars and Space Tourism in a connected discussion since space tourism is already in its infant stages at the moment with Virgin Space and Space X experimenting with ways and means of making space tourism possible. In order to give your ideas validity in the presentation, it needs to be rooted in the technology of today.

Don't just list the ideas. Thresh out the ideas. Develop the explanation. Add information as to why the world would change in 100 years because of that technology and how you believe the world can be negatively or positively affected by such changes. Discuss and inform the reader. Don't just give out ideas without any basis. You need more than just these simple explanations for an essay such as this one.

Scholarship / Inspiring people to search for the common good and making a positive effect in our personal growth [4]

This is not a leadership nor influencing essay. You are not providing any description that may be understood as you explaining your leadership and influencing skills. What we have here is nothing more than an inapplicable personal statement. A personal statement is not required by the Chevening scholarship. You need to show actual leadership skills within a professional context. Using college and community service references are not acceptable for this scholarship program because of the degree of professionalism that the other applicants have. If I were to base your ability to qualify for the first round of considerations using this essay, I would have to say that it will not help you move forward. It is not useful as it does not reflect you as a true future leader in your country.

Writing Feedback / Job Satisfaction or Salary - IELTS Task 2 [4]

The minimum is 250 words but, based on the 40 minute writing task, it isn't advisable for you to write 401 words. That is because you need to focus on the quick but clear English explanation ability that is expected of students in the UK. Give a clear discussion, starting with a proper topic sentence, within 5 sentences. You also have to remember, you are being asked to explain 2 public opinions first, before you give your personal opinion. In this essay, you gave the public explanation for the first POV but used a personal point of view twice in the next paragraphs. The essay became improperly formatted when you did that. Remember, you cannot use your personal opinion as a concluding paragraph. That is because the concluding paragraph is a required summary of the previous discussion. It is the short form of the mid-length explanations that you previously gave. Good effort though. I can tell that you have had some experience writing this task essay. Try to do it in a shorter presentation though. It will really help you a lot if you can explain yourself within 5 sentences per paragraph. It will show a better and more impressive English writing skill.

Writing Feedback / Should students use smartphones at school ? [3]

In the paraphrase section, you forgot to include the reason from the original prompt that explains why people think students should be allowed to use mobile phones in school. When you say that the benefits of having students use a smartphone at school, you should also indicate the 2 main reasons why you believe this to prepare the examiner for the topics that you will be further expanding on in the reasoning paragraphs. That specific presentation will help you gain a better TA score in terms of delivering a clear opinion on the topic.

Do not use word fillers like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". That does not help to increase any of the scoring considerations. Additionally, this is not a comparative essay. The focus of this discussion must be only on the reasons by you believe the benefits cannot be denied. You are contradicting yourself within the reasoning paragraphs, making your actual opinion unclear to the examiner. Use a supportive discussion only for your point of view. It is not going to help to confuse your essay presentation.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Prompt 4 "how I defeated my social anxiety" [3]

With the limited word count that you were provided, it is impossible to accommodate a highly intricate explanation of how you solved your personal dilemma. Your presentation is understandable enough and clear enough to the reviewer. You do not need to be overly explanatory in the presentation. The shorter but clearer your explanation, the better. The reviewer needs to be finished reading your essay within 3-5 minutes so the length you used, and the information you presented it adequate. The actual problem with the essay has to do with the grammar issues. You need to be consistent with your time frame. Review the presentation. Make sure you refer to all previous information in the past tense presentation. Unfortunately, I cannot fully edit the grammar of your essay as that is one of the professional services we offer. What you can do is run a simple spellcheck on your essay. MS Word is more than capable of helping you clean up the grammar mistakes be it in UK or USA English.

Scholarship / Scholarship Help--------Erasmus + Smart Cities and Communities Motivation letter [3]

You could actually make this motivation letter more precise. It contains several irrelevant topics. It is irrelevant because it does not belong in the motivation letter. You can actually use the following paragraphs in the revised version:

architecture is an applied science ...global sustainability in the future.
Supported by the knowledge that I will get ... for my eyes and wider mind.

These are the 2 paragraphs that will work best in the motivation letter. Add a paragraph about what motivated you to enroll at the university as well based on the Erasmus Mundus objectives and your country's targets. Focus the final entries of your essay on explaining how EM will be able to help you in the future as a former participant of the program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF INCREASES IN LIFE EXPECTANCY [3]

Your first paragraph is incoherent. You have to separate your thoughts into individual sentences. Make sure that each sentences connects to the next statement. In that paragraph, you need to make sure that you do the following:

Sentence 1: Restate the topic
Sentence 2: Restate the reason(s) for the discussion
Sentence 3: Give an advantage topic
Sentence 4: Give a disadvantage topic
Sentence 5: Give your personal reason

You should not allow yourself to get used to writing overly long essays in the practice tests. You may find it difficult to adjust later on when you truly have to write 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You are not writing a research paper. Think of this as an explanatory paper instead. When you are explaining, you want to do it quickly and clearly. So use the following format next time:

Sentence 1: A/D topic
Sentence 2: Why this is an A/D
Sentence 3: Supporting example
Sentence 4: Justify how the example supports the A/D reason
Sentence 5: Transition or additional explanation (optional)

Remember the time limit. You have to practice writing within the time requirement. It is what will help you prepare for the actual test. Perfect your clarity within an actual test setting. We are here to help you get to that point.

Writing Feedback / Discussion about men and women parenting skills ( IELTS ) [3]

You have written the right number of words to get maximum scoring considerations for this essay. However, you still have errors in terms of spelling, grammar (tense usage), clarity, and conciseness. After you gave your opinion in the opening paraphrase, you should have added 2 sentences at the end for maximum TA scoring. The sentences to be added should have indicated the reasons why you believe that men and women are equally good at parenting. Mention just the reasons, do not explain anything at that point.

Avoid the use of word fillers like , "First and foremost", "Secondarily" as these words do not help to advance your GRA or LR score. You have a very bad grammar error in the presentation: mothers can are (can be). There are also improperly formatted sentences scattered throughout your essay. There are so many that I cannot correct those individually in this thread.

The conclusion needs to be 3-5 sentences. You have a run-on sentence in the conclusion. You need to divide that into 3-5 sentences. Summarize the discussion points that you presented within individual sentences that reflect a proper summary conclusion.