Scholarship / Plan on studying Psychology - Puestbridge Essay [2]

You can actually write a totally new essay because this current presentation fails to respond to two questions:
1. Why do you find it intriguing?
2. How do you want to explore it further?

So, I gather that you find the concept of happiness, personal happiness (to be specific) highly intriguing. This is based on your family life. So the first half of the essay should focus on what your personal concept of happiness was, based on your family life at the time. What made you happy? Why did that change when you learned of the theory of personal happiness?

From there, you can explain how you will further pursue your studies related to personal happiness as a college student. You have to not really responded to that question in your essay. Maybe discuss non-requirement courses in counseling or psychology that you can pursue in relation to your interest in this field. By the way, use only one of the two representations in this essay. Either the TedTalk inspired you or the online course that was suggested to you. It appears that the second, online course is what really had an effect on you so you can skip the TEDTalk presentation. Keep the focus on responding to the two questions. Cut down on the backstory if it will not directly respond to one of the two queries for the essay.

Scholarship / QUESTBRIDGE "What do you admire most about your community? What would you change?" [2]

Please remember to break up your presentation into paragraphs. It is extremely difficult to read in this format. The topics are not properly divided and the sentences tend to get squished onto the page because of the lack of proper spacing. If the reviewer finds it hard to read the essay, he may decide to move on to the next essay, making your application weaker in terms of acceptance consideration. He will not be properly informed of your responses because you made it difficult to read your response. It is not easy to read a 422 word essay in the format you currently have it in.

The actual response to the prompt, what do you admire most about Lowell, comes towards the end. It is a multicultural. So make sure that the first paragraph of the essay focuses on that. After getting the reader excited about the multicultural community, then slowly transition to what you want to change, the White Privilege in the community. Make that your second paragraph. After that, write a 3 sentence closing paragraph, just to respectfully close the presentation.

There are only 2 question responses that matter in this presentation. The overall description of your community just takes away the focus and attention of the reviewer from the parts that matter the most. Those early wandering descriptions are what could negatively impact your application essay response presentation.

Scholarship / GKS This scholarship will assist me greatly in my endeavors and allow me the accomplish career goals [3]

The personal statement is not a cover letter. Do not format it as such. It is a straightforward written interview done in essay style. Use the paragraph form of writing to respond to the questions. Remove references to your childhood drawings and your parents saying you were a born civil engineer. Such exaggerations will make the reviewer lose interest in your application. Remember, you are signing an oath of honesty so do not over emphasize, embellish, or exaggerate in your essay presentations.

I do not see any clear motivation for your studies. Nor do I see a connection between your interests and Korea. Taekwondo is not a good reference point. The origin of the martial arts is questionable. Some say it came from Japan, some say Korea. So look for a discussion that refers to Korea in terms of your passion for this course instead. Admire their own architects and engineers. Explain how they inspired your interests.

You do not show any proper foundation for your interests. You do not have any reference to related extra curricular activities, awards, honors, or basic academic achievements that can prove you have the intellectual capacity to take on a scholarship of this magnitude. Neither have you shown any language preparations that could have been fueled by your interest to study Korea. Your family background is weak and does not show any relationship between you and your family members. Koreans are big on family relationships which is why they ask for your family background in this essay.

There are so many things missing and wanting in this essay when you base the review off the prompt requirements that came with the application form. I strongly urge you to review the required information and then, revise the content of your presentation to strongly illustrate each necessary discussion point. As of now, this is a not so usable draft of your personal statement.

Scholarship / To be the leader of our own life - Chevening looking for leaders or influencers [5]

There is a 500 word limit to this essay, so why did you intentionally write 623 words? You should have edited this down to 500 words before having it reviewed as my review, may request you to cut out portions that you may want to keep. You should have presented the 500 word version to me. Anyway, I'll review your work just the same. Just remember to stick to the word count next time. It will make reviewing and editing your paper easier later on.

I believe that unlike the previous Chevening leadership essays I have read here recently, you have a chance of making it past the first round of consideration. However, in order to pass the consideration round you will need to revise a majority of the presentation. You have to focus on developing your leadership profile based on 2 events in your professional life:

- Working for the IEC and being voted one of the Top 10 managers (mentioning your ranking will help)
- Group head for IEC / Data Entry operator

Any instance where you had to handle people and lead them will be beneficial to your application. Focus on how you developed teamwork in the group, resolved conflicts, and encouraged the team to be the best it can be. From the sound of it, you actually have relevant leadership experience. I would be highly interested in reading about that and learning how it might help make you a more viable Chevening candidate.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF TAKING A GAP YEAR [2]

It is important for you to present a balanced discussion for the advantage and disadvantage discussion paragraphs. You would do well to only present one for each. Even though you have a second suggestion for the advantage because this essay is a 4 paragraph essay only. When you write a second set of information in the same paragraph as the first, you tend to lose focus and better develop one discussion over the other. In this case, your second reason was better presented when compared to the first. So when you write your draft next time, consider which of the information you have listed you have more to say about in the sense that it will clearly show:

- A topic sentence
- A valid reason
- A supporting example
- An extended discussion presentation
- A transition sentence to the disadvantage / advantage discussion (optional)

In order to maintain the clarity and cohesiveness of your presentation, it will always be best to focus on one topic per sentence unless otherwise specified. Your discussion actually good but held back by the lack of C&C consideration your paragraph presentation. Some paragraphs are better developed than the others.

By the way, for the opening and closing paragraphs, please do not forget the basic rule, that is must be a reverse paraphrase. So you have to outline the topic, the advantage, the disadvantage, then close the essay with a sentence that will not provide a personal opinion or preference in the discussion. Both paragraphs need to show at least 3-5 sentence as per formatting requirements.

Additionally, if you are merely presenting the word "students'" to show the plural form of student, merely say, "students". The reason being that the apostrophe S is used to show ownership, not plurality.

Writing Feedback / From the given line graph: how much chicken, beef, lamb and fish were consumed, by grams per person [4]

You can approach that presentation two ways. It is kind of redundant to say per person, per week twice in the same essay. So you can show your advanced grammar skills by saying 200 grams each person / a week or, you can merely say "each person consumed 200 grams on weekly average", or other synonym forms that can indicate the same person and weekly measurement status. You don't have to use the same terms each time. Consider your LR score. It will be increased if you can show that you are capable of using other reference forms for the same phrase within the essay. Depending upon how advanced your English vocabulary is, you may be able to increase both your LR and GRA score based on sentence references alone.

Writing Feedback / Task1: How much carbon dioxide an average person in four countries emitted into the environment [3]

Your summary overview is a run on and neglects to indicate important summary information such as:
- What the 4 countries listed are
- What measurement type is used (metric tonne)
- Type of image (line graph)

The "overall" statement is a trending statement. Therefore, you cannot say that there are 2 basic trends in the presentation. There are only upward and downward measurements. The overall trend, as it is properly phrased, is what you stated as a stand alone sentence, that the measurement in Sweden decreased faster than the other countries. It should have been part of the summary overview as that is the conclusion of your observation of the information from the line graph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Line graph: Radio and TV audiences in UK October - December 1992 [4]

Do not aim to simply restate the information in the line graph. You must show that you did some sort of analysis for the data provided. Within the rport, you have to make mention of specific keywords int he original image that could prove a true study of the image on your part. That means, you need to write more than 2 sentences per paragraph (3-5 sentences) and no more than 3 paragraphs (for coherence and cohesiveness purposes). Otherwise, you end up writing more words, but you do not create clear ideas in each presentation. While the 4 paragraph essay allows you write more, it clearly isn't an advantage to you as your sentences are run-on presentations which lack the clarity and depth of a properly explained 3 paragraph essay.

For instance, in the summary overview, you missed representing several key elements from the original image such as:
- Measurements excluded those aged 4 and below
- Measurements were in percentages
- Measurements were taken twice in one day. From 6 AM to 12 NN and then again from 2 PM to 6 AM the next day

There are also missing references to overlapping information such as the ones for 1 PM and 3 PM. These time references are highly important to the presentation, instead of mere "hour" references as these prove that you studied the image for at least 5 minutes before you drafted the paper. Additionally, the grouping of the information:

- Summary overview
- Day measurements
- Night measurements

Were the clues that this essay was to be written solely in a 3 paragraph format following the 3-5 sentence per paragraph requirement.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking Essay (relations are one of the most important strength of current time) [5]

Your networking essay is not impressive. It is simple to the point of not qualifying as a true networking ability and not representative of the type of network that would prove usefil to Chevening graduates, current scholars, and future scholars. Your focus is not simply talking about people you met, not on how you met these people, how you cultivated that relationship into a network, and how that network proved to be helpful to you in the completion of a particularly difficult work related task or tasks. Remember, Chevening is an international scholarship whose applicants include future ambassadors, possible country and corporation president's, current UN employees, WHO upcoming executives, national politicians from their home countries, and the like. Networking essays such as these will not be able to compete with their networking contacts, qualifications, and development skills. You need to read the example Chevening applications at this forum so that you can realize and understand why for this scholarship, simple qualifications such as your will not be enough for you to qualify for consideration to the program.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership Essay (leadership is not a right to be given, but a privilege to earned) [3]

I admire your dedication to your profession as a teacher and educator. However, my admiration does not extend as far as any leadership abilities on your part, within that position. Based on this essay, there is no leadership ability connected with your position. Lecturing and teaching should never be confused with leadership abilities. A true leader embodies the traits of a problem solver. Somebody who can function under tremendous pressure, and who showcases traits that proves the person will be a future leader in his or her home country. None of these stringent representations for a leader, based on Chevening guidelines exist in your essay. This is not a leadership essay that meets the program requirements. Unless you can provide instances that show off your skills in the sections previously mentioned, you will not make it past the first round of considerations for the scholarship program.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: how bottled and canned gas drink are produced [3]

As a Task 1 essay, this report should be composed of 3 paragraphs. Each set of procedural instructions should be grouped into 2. The paragraphs are composed of:

- Summary overview + Trending statement
- First half of the procedure
- Second half of the procedure

So your presentation should have cut off after a proper discussion of the first 2 steps. That will comprise the 2nd paragraph, with steps 3 and 4 depicting the final stage and 3rd paragraph. Each paragraph should be between 3-5 sentences. You only have 2 sentences in the summary overview. That means, you did not write more than the required minimum word requirements.

Scoring better in this test will depend upon how well you write between 175-190 words. 152 rods completes the report but, as you can see, makes you fall short of the formatting requirements. You need to add more analysis to the presentation. This report is just straightforward, sans any analysis which is still required in a procedural report. One or two analytical representations in sentence form should have worked. One per paragraph would have been ideal.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Communicating online (advantages outweigh disadvantages?) [3]

You should aim to write at least 275-290 words for this essay. Writing only the exact minimum word count limits your scoring potential. You need to write at least 275 words so that you can really showcase your writing and comprehension skills. Right now, you wrote the safe word count, which left you with time to review, revise, and edit your essay. Unfortunately, all of the grammar related errors remained unchecked and uncorrected in your presentation. That is definitely not going to be good for your final score. Always remember that you will be scored on the accuracy of your writing. So limit the errors you make as best as you can.

For the reasoning paragraphs, always start with a clear discussion topic as the opening sentence. That way you can focus the discussion properly and create a concretely supported discussion paragraph. Never shift between your actual opinion and the other opinion. Avoid the pitfalls of a comparison essay where one is not warranted. If you wish, you can instead, offer a perceived advantage as the topic sentence then proceed to dismantle the positive to prove that it is a negative by presenting counter evidence in the paragraph.

Undergraduate / Films and Genders - why you selected this specific academic program - common app essay [2]

You did not provide a proper response to the question. You were asked about why you chose your major, not how your interest in your major developed. Your discussion isn't really good because you failed to properly explain why you chose your major. Why did you choose this specific academic program? Respond based on your interest in the course. What is it? Photography? Creative Arts? Multimedia? I am not sure what you are trying to explain here because you failed to touch on the subjects related to the course that helped you decide on this major. The mention of Women and Gender Studies also lacks proper development. You have to remove the useless exchange of dialogue at the start and then, revise the total essay so that you can better represent your interest in the courses as indicated by the discussion prompt.

Scholarship / Confidence - My questbridge scholarship short answer 1 [4]

The last sentence feels like it belongs to a new paragraph that you decided to suddenly leave in there. It would be better for you to remove the reference to the last sentence. Just for clarity purposes. It doesn't really connect well with the previous sentences. Please avoid writing in contractions as this is an academic statement. Spell it out, I did not have... What was on... You are also lacking comma usage at certain points within the presentation. It would be better if you edit the content and punctuation, just to make sure you have a smooth statement presentation for the reviewer to read.

Scholarship / History, Book, Weekend, Compliment, Challenge, Future - Questbridge Short answers for Scholarship [2]

Are you planning on majoring in History? If not, then it would be better for you to pick a favorite subject that would help to enhance your choice of major. A favorite subject that will highlight how you can excel as a student in that field can help you to strengthen your application. Calling attention to an interest in a related or major subject will allow the reviewer to better consider if you have a strong foundation for the classes related to your course.

As for the second question, It would be better if you show an interest in books and movies that share a certain theme or point of interest. It does not necessarily have to relate with your chosen major but should help the reviewer to get a better idea of the kind of personality you have and how your reading and film interests might have helped you develop as a person. A central theme can help you establish that.

Writing Feedback / Staying at hotels when holidaying abroad is not the method to comprehend a nation and the people liv [2]

You need to develop a better way of paraphrasing. Aim to produce 3-5 sentences for that presentation. For this prompt, I would have done it this way.

When on vacation, people tend to stay in paid lodgings. These inns are where the tourists often get to know the country. However, this is not seen by most people as the prime way of learning about the nation. I support this statement because hotels tend to make people stay in one place for their vacation.

Then from there, you can use other topic sentences , 2 topic sentences, one per paragraph to help explain your theory that hotels tend to keep the vacationers in one place so they do not really get to know the country and its people. Always connect the reasons to the hotel stay. In this instance Your two reasons are:

- Hotels offer luxury services in a staged setting
- This leads to people not learning about the country because they only see local tourism

You did not write a concluding summary as required. You only repeated other supporting reasons for the concluding summary section. Therefore, the essay will be considered open ended, even if you wrote 281 words. You need to merely summarize by offering a short version of your discussion paragraphs and original topic in that portion to meet the required format.

Writing Feedback / Discussion - Environmental problems should be dealt at global or national level - for IELTS [3]

You are writing the wrong response for this essay. You are focusing on an international level when the prompt is focused on an individual level. There is a difference between international and individual. International means global level while individual means on a single person level. As such, you have misunderstood the prompt and offered a response not related to the task. The actual prompt requires you to compare the following points of view:

- Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve
- the government cannot solve these environmental problems unless individuals make some action.

Based on your discussion of those 2 public points of view, you should be able to present a clear opinion that will support one of the two public opinions. However, since your response is not in line with the discussion requirements, you will not be able to receive a passing grade for this essay.

Undergraduate / An academic oriented family - Global Korean Scholarship Undergraduate (personal statement) [2]

It is a good essay. It is simple in presentation and very straightforward. You delivered on most of the prompt requirements except, for the last part of the discussion suggestion with regards to awards, publications, and skills you have acquired or other related information. Truly, the presentation is informative but doesn't stand out in the eyes of a reviewer. You have presented everything in a one dimensional manner. You need to develop a more interesting character presentation. Be more creative in the presentation of events. Create interest in your activities. Don't just narrate it. Tell a story, an interactive story if you can.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: A significant decrease in the number of high street shops has been witnessed lately [3]

The main problem with the essay is, it is a single opinion essay. You are being asked to provide a clear point of view regarding the positive or negative consideration of the discussion. You cannot say that both have benefits and drawbacks because that is not the instruction for the discussion. The final question for this discussion was, "Do you think this is a positive or negative development?". The basis of your response to that question must relate to the reason that you think high street shops are on the decline. Based on your reason for the decline, you should be able to clearly offer an opinion regarding the "positive or negative" choice you were provided with. The 4 paragraph essay should be composed of:

Par. 1: Topic paraphrase + question short responses
Par. 2: Reason explanation
Par. 3: Positive or negative based on the reason provided ( Pick one side to defend)
Par. 4: Discussion summary

In your 3rd paragraph, you provided an under developed explanation because you tried to defend both sides of the discussion. This resulted in a confusing representation of the discussion and a violation of the TA requirement that indicates "presents a clear opinion regarding the topic". As such, the essay will face scoring difficulties in an actual test.

Due to the lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the presentation, caused by the confusing "positive or negative" discussion, the essay no longer carries a sense of clarity in the same way that a single reason, related opinion (positive or negative) could have. Without a clear opinion, your TA score will definitely prevent this essay from achieving a proper score.

Writing Feedback / The chart shows IT components of GDP in the UK from 1992 to 2000 [3]

For all intents and purposes, there is no chart above. Identify the chart as merely provided to you. Be specific about the type of chart. In this case, if you want to be specific, it is a vertical, 2 information set bar chart for comparison purposes. The comparison points are the IT industry and service industry. Your summary overview paragraph is incomplete. It is also confusing to read because you tried to compress all of the separate information into 1 long sentence. This run-on does not help your C&C score. Each paragraph should have 3-5 sentences presented for clarity purposes. Never compress the information into a run-on presentation.

The maximum suggested word count for this test is 190 words. More than 200 words and your tendency will be the cut into the task 2 writing time. You should make sure to review your paragraphs for clarity issues. Use simpler words where possible so as not to make the sentence unnecessarily complex (... of this field witnessed (saw) a...) Clarity does not always come from the use of inapplicable advanced words. Usually, a simpler word presentation, within a complex sentence structure scores better.

This being a general report, you should always be certain about the information you are presenting. Do not use words that can present doubt about your interpretation of the information (ex. rather stable) as that indicates an inability on your part to clearly analyze the data presented in the image.

Letters / Write a letter to the person who gave you a great deal of help when you were away. [3]

Your grammar is totally confusing and does not properly reflect the discussion as required. The letter you wrote often wanders from the actual discussion topic, which you seem to have misunderstood. Let me clarify the instruction for you.

Mr. Jackson hosted your stay in San Francisco. That means, you were with him there. However, in your letter, you indicated a confusing phrase. "I had you done me a favor when I were away." That reference, aside from being incorrectly structured, also offers the information that Mr. Jackson was not with you during this time, which was not the case. That sentence should not be in this letter. In fact, your letter is totally incorrect. Note the following explanation in the instruction:

You have just come back from San Francisco. When you were there, Mr. Jackson gave you a great deal of help.

The key phrase here is "When you were there", referring to the time you were in San Francisco, where Mr. Jackson hosted you. Hence the letter is incorrect in content. In this letter you are saying that Mr. Jackson is your neighbor at home instead of someone who helped you when you were in San Francisco. You did not understand the instructions and the information that was to be placed in the letter. This is not a letter that will get a passing score because it shows your lack of English comprehension skills and inability to write coherently in English.

Scholarship / "CS is too hard" - Questbridge Short Answers - My Proudest Achievement [3]

You wasted the word count on an unnecessary back story. You should have kicked off the essay using the following instead:

I started Berkley Hack Club, a club where anyone can learn how to code. In creating a club, I proved that I can bring my ideas to fruition.

That is the whole point of your response. That is your proudest achievement. After telling the reviewer what the achievement is, you can expand the discussion regarding why you consider this an achievement. You were already able to introduce the club and the idea behind it in the aforementioned sentence. So expand the discussion regarding the reason why you felt the need to establish this club. From there, establish the process by which you founded the club. Make sure to discuss the obstacles you had to overcome and how you did it. That will serve as the justification on your part in relation to this becoming your greatest achievement so far.

Writing Feedback / Some people deem that children should be brought up in a rural area than the city [3]

Rather than saying that you partly agree, you should instead frame the response in the manner of an extent response such as:

I consider myself in agreement with this point of view up to the point that...

The phrase "up to the point that..." indicates the extent of your agreement and also gives the outline for your discussion paragraphs. By the way, you need to use a different term for "city" as it was already used in the original prompt. You could have said "urbanized areas" instead (as a sample synonym). Additionally, you are short in that paragraph presentation by 1 sentence. The minimum sentence requirement per paragraph is 3, mo more than 5. The ideal writing is 275-290 words.

What should not have been included in this discussion presentation? The "on the other hand" discussion was not necessary as you were not asked to make a comparative discussion. You were only asked for your opinion, which you were expected to defend within 2 reasoning paragraphs / 2 reasoning subjects. This is only a 4 paragraph format essay. So your format presentation is off in this instance. Where a comparison discussion is not required, none should be provided. That will be deducted from your word count due to irrelevance to the discussion. That means. your word count goes down from 337 words to 247 relevant words for the essay. You now fall under the minimum word count of 250, resulting in word penalties for your essay.

This is why you have to be careful. Always provide the information required. Do not include unnecessary information. Make sure you keep track of your word count by simply writing the minimum to maximum number of sentences. That is the sure fire way of always meeting the word count. Always double check your content against the writing instructions. Do not deviate from the discussion, do not add non-required information either. These are the common errors that often slip up the students.

Writing Feedback / Health problems of developed world (put the cause and solution) [3]

You cannot use a run-on sentence in the Task 2 essay and expect to get a passing GRA score. You need to break down your presentation into proper sentences and paragraphs. Each paragraph should have at least 3-5 sentences per presentation. In the restated paragraph, you need to offer a breakdown that includes:

- The original topic for discussion in your own words
- The reason why this topic is being discussed
- A possible cause
- A possible solution
- A transition sentence (optional)

You did not provide such a paragraph formatted outline for this discussion. Additionally, you did not follow the proper English capitalization rules for the start of sentences. You uses lower case letters a few times at the start of a sentence. You also failed to properly use spacing between words. This resulted in compressed word presentations that appear to show a lack of regard for English grammar rules. Both errors will result in a failing GRA score for you.

You are using terms unfamiliar to the examiner in this essay. What is a zalo? You also used ellipses, which are never used in academic writing as that is a creative rather than academic writing tool. You do not use a capital "I" for the personal reference. There are just way too many grammar rule violations in your presentation for this essay to get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the number of people who decide on university subjects chosen in 2005 [4]

There is a word requirement for the Task 1 essay that i believe you are not familiar with at this point. The word minimum is 150 with a suggested maximum of 190 words. You achieve that word count by making sure that you write a 3 paragraph essay that is composed of 3-5 sentences each. In this case, your summary overview is insufficient as it does not properly enumerate the short form of the information provided. That should include:

- The image type (bar chart)
- Measurement information (list of university subjects, male / female count by the thousands)
- Year the measurement was taken
- The trending statement

All of these sentences will help you achieve a proper summary of information. In your presentation, you separated the trending sentence and forgot to place a period at the end. You consistently forget to use the period throughout your presentation which will lower your GRA score tremendously. Your last sentence is not even a comparison of the information, it is just hanging there, an incomplete sentence that does not have any follow through information.

You will do well to review the sample task 1 essays at this forum to help guide you through the development process of a task 1 essay. Learn from the errors of others so that you will be able to better write your Task 1 essay. Always remember though, you need to write more than 150 words to achieve a better scoring consideration overall.

Writing Feedback / It is said that in the civilized world, animal-based products are not in high demand anymore [3]

The essay has 244/500 words. You are short on the required word count so word count penalties will be applied. It won't be a large penalty but, it is still marked enough to have a serious effect on your final overall score.

Your first sentence in the paraphrase section is not informative of the original prompt. You need to use only information provided to you from the original. So you cannot use an opinion that is not based on the provided data. You also did not paraphrase the original keywords animals, food, medicine, and clothing. Other references could have been creatures or mammals (animals), sustenance (food), prescription drugs (medicine), apparel (clothes). A simple agreement with the statement would have sufficed since this is not an extent essay.

You are not careful with the way you use words. You did not bother to spellcheck visually for errors. "Meant in their diet" obviously refers to "meat". Was it a spelling error or a mistaken word usage? Regardless, expect errors like that to result in LR deduction.

Apropos? Really? You are trying to impress the examiner with "big" words that do not fit the natural sound sought for this discussion. You did not even use the word in the right context. Do not use complicated words just because it "sounds" right for the sentence. That usually turns out to be wrong. You will score better using everyday English words in the right way, rather than using archaic English words, which make the meaning of the sentence sound forced and unnatural.

Your conclusion is incorrect. This is a run on that does not help to review and summarize the content in a manner that will serve as a helpful reminder to the reader. That is called a reverse paraphrase. Without it, your conclusion is just a run on disaster that will further lower your GRA score.

Writing Feedback / Which is more important: Talent or hard work? [2]

I believe that you wrote this for an IELTS task 2 essay. The main problem though, is that you forgot to include the original prompt requirement in your post. So, not having that on hand, I was hoping to find the actual topic for discussion and the discussion instructions within your prompt paraphrase paragraph. The problem, is that you did not a good job at the paraphrasing, the original question, discussion reason, and discussion instructions are not seen at all in your presentation. You cannot provide a rhetorical question in the paraphrase as you are expected to do the following in that section:

- Restate the prompt clearly
- Provide the reasons given for the discussion based on the original prompt presentation
- Respond to the direct question asked in the original prompt
- Give an outline of your topic responses for the reasoning paragraph.

Therefore, your prompt paraphrase is problematic. You do not provide a clear restatement and, you failed to provide a clear opinion as you merely gave a question at the end rather than a response.

Your vocabulary in the essay doesn't sound natural. It does not feel like a conversation with someone. Rather, it feels like you are trying to impress and are simply aiming for a higher LR score, which is what you get when you use natural words that do not sound out of place in the sentence (ex. assiduous, slothful) Your sentence structures are incorrect and confusing the the reader. The sense of what you are trying to say is lost in the translation from your vernacular to the English language.

I can see that you have a pretty good idea of what you want to say to the reader in English. The problem is your execution. You are aiming to write complex sentences and paragraphs, which is not a bad thing. However, the bad comes from the lack of clarity in your presentation, improper use of vocabulary, and total inability to realize that the sentences you are writing just doesn't make sense most of the time.

Work on your simple sentence presentation first. Aim for clarity using simple words and sentences. Impressing the reader will come when you are accustomed to naturally writing in English.

Scholarship / General Science - Chevening application [3]

Your paragraphs are trying to accomplish too much and actually not accomplishing anything in the presentation. Overall, you need to better focus your essay. Mixing the General Science and Business aspect of the discussion at the start tends to be really confusing and hard to follow for the reader. There are too many lines to read going forward in the reading, creating an uneven information presentation.

Based on the prompt requirements, it would do you well to first outline the important information you want to discuss then create a more cohesive and coherent presentation for each. Right now, your essay is quite wordy and not easily scanned for information. The GKS reviewer needs you to use less words but provide more information per paragraph. Do not be so wordy, just get direct to the point. Do not overuse the backstory concept, it holds back the essay from clearly representing your important information.

Writing Feedback / These days, the percentage of older people in the population structure has been increasing rapidly [3]

For this essay, you should be writing more towards the 300 word mark. However, most experts consider the 290 word mark the maximum word count in terms of scoring consideration. It just works best for this type of essay. Why?

Each paragraph you write needs to reflect your personal opinion of the given public discussion point. I see that you are considering the public opinion in the discussion but, you fail every time to give a personal opinion in the paragraph. You need to have a variation of third and first person pronouns in the essay. The third person pronoun is used to signify the public discussion points prior to the transition to your personal opinion in the paragraph. You have to make sure that you separate the 2 opinion presentations. Make it clear to the examiner that you are first, considering the public point of view and then, second, present your personal opinion of that pov.

It is improper of your to present your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. It is either you present the personal opinion as a part of the 2 reasoning paragraphs (4 paragraph essay format) or, as a stand alone paragraph before the conclusion (5 paragraph essay format). The conclusion should be used to remind the reader of the important topic and discussion points before you close the essay.

Writing Feedback / Many women are choosing to have children later in life. Why? Do advantages outweigh disadvantages? [3]

While I can sense the contemplation and consideration that you have given to the discussion topic, your inability to write coherently in English appears to be the main problem with your writing. You have a tendency to write sentences that do not have a clear subject or reason. This leads to under developed sentences, resulting in confusing paragraph presentations. You must aim to write more clearly in your paragraphs. Do not try to write complex sentences at this point as you are not capable of doing that yet. Use only simple, short sentences. Do not try to impress the examiner with your English phrases or other things. The less you try to impress, the better your grade will be. Why? Simple presentations mean less grammar errors, which will lead to better overall scoring considerations for you.

You have the potential to become a better English writer. In fact, I can see your ability to clearly analyze the given question, the only problem is in the structure and clarity of your sentences. Try to perform more English language exercises. Focus on simple and complex sentence development. You will be able to improve. Don't rush at this point. Learn at your own pace. Write at your own pace. You don't have to start writing the Task 2 essays at once. Get a feel for English writing first. Use simple story telling writing techniques first. Then work your way up. The important thing is to improve your writing foundation first.

Writing Feedback / Changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers [3]

Presentation-wise, your essay is highly acceptable. The grammar is almost that of a native speaker. You have further improved in both your writing, vocabulary, and analytical abilities since I last read your work. I am very proud of how far you have come. Save for 2 spelling errors, which will be highly minor in effect on your final score, I believe you have once again done impressively in this essay. You will not have a problem achieving your target band score, whatever that may be.

Your ability to analyze the information and clearly explain it in this essay is something that I would recommend the other students here emulate. Your analysis is almost perfect. You may want to pull back on the use of commas though. It is a bit of an overkill. You may want to try forming other sentence presentations instead that use other punctuation marks for variety sake and GRA considerations. Remember, you need a balance of simple and complex sentence presentations in the essay to get a better final score.

Scholarship / Swimming determination - Questbridge Biographical Essay. [3]

I would not use the swimming metaphor at the end of this essay. The metaphor should be seen throughout the presentation. The foundation should be at the start, building up to the climax, then resting towards the end with the realization that you had been swimming all along. That reference feels out of place in the discussion. It seems to have just suddenly shown up. It has to be integrated into the essay. Show how the metaphor relates to your activities. Make the connection between swimming and your development into a young adult. Actually, you could skip that swimming reference altogether and not affect the final outcome of your essay. Save for a few grammar errors and missing punctuation marks here and there, I would have to say that this essay is really well rounded and shows your academic development, along with a desire for an individual personality apart from what your parents molded you be. Good job.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2 - Most people nowadays work just for a living [2]

There are four reasons why this essay will not gt a passing band score in an actual test. The reasons are:
- You have written 213/250 words. Severe percentage deductions will be applied to due to the word count error.
- Errors in spelling that were uncorrected
- Errors in grammar that were not edited and revised
- Vocabulary problems based on a presentation of overused English expressions (In a nutshell...)

The most striking error in this presentation is how you started the paraphrased presentation with a small letter instead of a capitalized letter. Kindly remember that the first word of a sentence / new paragraph is always capitalized. That is to differentiate it from the other parts of a sentence presentation. You have not properly paraphrased the original content, based on the first sentence of the original presentation. You need to add a properly paraphrased topic sentence in the presentation. You are also offering an opinion ( I still believe) towards the end of the paragraph when you are only being asked to provide reasons, rather than an opinion regarding the given topic. So these errors alone will pull down the TA score to a non-passing mark.

You gave stress as a reason in the first paragraph but then failed to discuss it as a part of one of the 2 reasoning presentations. In fact, your response outline in the first paragraph lacks the 2 reasons topic presentation. When you mention it as a response to the question in the first paragraph, you have to discuss it in the second. If you don't, then the essay loses coherence and cohesion. There is no connection between paragraphs.

Etc. is a non-academic word. Avoid using such words in your academic presentation. Always complete the thought process in the paragraph. Explain yourself clearly to the reader. You also have this habit of using English expressions out of context. Since you are obviously not familiar with English word usage to the extent of using phrases and expressions properly, avoid doing so. It can affect your LR and GRA scores negatively.

Scholarship / Leadership as an Environmentalist - Chevening Scholarship [4]

This is a leadership essay that lacks conflict. The leadership example would have been better if you had discussed how you had to win the support of the company for the project. There needs to be an explanation about why you were chosen to lead this undertaking. Right now, it seems like there was no problem, that the company just allowed you to do what you wanted with the PPE without asking for justification, planning, an execution methods. As if the company did not care that you wanted to lead this project. You just did it because you wanted to. That is not the sign of a good leader. A good leader can convince a company to participate in an undertaking by gaining their support for the project and convincing them that you are fit to lead. However, in this essay, it appears that you did not really lead people, you merely influenced them. The leadership could have come from the authority given to you by the company to initiate the project.

The influencing side, about the birds nest, does not relate well with the PPE recycling project. It is almost as if you are talking about 2 separate, rather than 2 related projects that highlight your leadership and influencing skills. There is no proven output to this project. You need to be specific about the accomplishments of your project to prove your leadership and influencing skills. Based on the final presentation, it appears that your project has to prove its worth, which does not strengthen any of your leadership and influencing abilities.

Writing Feedback / The consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers: pizza, fish and chips, and hamburgers [2]

In the summary overview, indicate the measurement type. You cannot jump to the time frame without first indicating the measurement type. The information you provide isn't complete or very clear to the reader when you skip presenting one part of the information in the overview. You will also be able to create a more cohesive summary if you include the trending statement in the summary overview. It is the traditionally best position to place the trending statement as it helps to deliver a clearer overview to the reader. Yes, I advocate for the 3 paragraph Task 1 essay because of the way that it allows the student to aim for a higher C&C score in the end. While I do not frown on the 4 paragraph writing process, I find that the 4 paragraph essay is better suited for the scoring requirements of the Task 2 essay. You may not be of the same opinion and I will accept that. This is just my 2 cents worth of advice as a professional.

I find the last paragraph to be too long. You could have divided it into 2 section for formatting and clarity purposes. You should remember that the clarity of this type of discussion comes from your ability to create 3 group paragraphs:

- Overview
- Group 1 comparison
- Group 2 comparison

Look for the commonalities that you can group together in your paragraph presentation. That way you will have the ability to create clearer reporting presentations. Do not make the paragraph sentences too long that is becomes difficult to track your report. Also, you should remember that there are other punctuation marks you can use in the essay, not just a comma throughout. Show diversity in your sentence development use other punctuation marks and use true simple and complex sentences. Do not masquerade run-ons as complex sentences. It will never happen.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2:What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community [2]

Scoring is not part of the free review service. For scoring and advanced review services, you may opt for our private review service or, make the thread URGENT to receive advanced review content from a contributor. Any student who scores an essay will face suspension of their account. That said, I will be more than happy to provide you with a general review of your essay instead.

You have several sentence representation errors in the first line of the first paragraph (is gradually become popularity = is gradually becoming more popular) Additionally, your representation if the discussion requirement is not as proper as it should be. You need to understand that you have to outline your discussion points in the restatement section because there are direct questions to be responded to. You have to give one specific advantage and one clear disadvantage in those lines to highlight how the discussion will be dealt with in the reasoning paragraphs.

There will be 2 reasoning paragraphs in this essay. One for the advantage and one of the disadvantage. As you are not being asked for a specific opinion in this prompt, you should not provide one in the essay discussion itself. Do not take any specific side in this discussion because it is not a single opinion essay. It is more of a general discussion topic that allows you to use the first person pronoun within the discussion.

Your discussion is not very cohesive as you do not actually compare the same topic points as an advantage and disadvantage. The clarity and coherence of your essay will be in the way that you can create a balanced discussion using the same topic for different points of view. You score better overall because of that clarity in the presentation.

In the conclusion, you are not summarizing the discussion points from the reasoning paragraphs. You are also offering a solution to a perceived problem. However, there was no problem indicated in the original prompt and, you were not asked to provide any solution to a specific problem. You will lose points as this is a serious prompt deviation in terms of conclusion representation.

Writing Feedback / Information technology is changing our lives and dominates our home, leisure, and work activities [2]

Okay. the discussion question is "To what extent..." which means you have to provide a measured response to this question. While your topic representation is acceptable, you did not provide the correct measured response to the question. Your response, towards the end of the first paragraph should have been more geared towards the following presentation:

Based on (reason 1) and (reason 2), I believe that the disadvantages of IT cannot be more than the advantages.

From the presentation of your discussion topics, you can begin writing 2 reasoning paragraphs relevant to the discussion in the following format:

Sentence 1: Topic Sentence / Perceived disadvantage
Sentence 2: Disadvantage explanation
Sentence 3: Rebuttal / Reason why it is an advantage
Sentence 4: Explanation
Sentence 5. Example to prove the explanation

By using the comparative writing style within the same paragraph, you successfully present a clear, cohesive, and totally developed reasoning discussion presentation. As of now, your writing shows a lack of focus and a desire to over inform the examiner. Your objective is not to over inform. Your target is merely to convince the reader of your opinion based on a clear explanation using both sides of the issue to illustrate.

You cannot really say "In deduction" to start your concluding paragraph. Rather, aim for a more academic opening sentence. Maybe something like "So, to review the information, it is possible to deduce that..."

Writing Feedback / People tend to waste food in shops and restaurants. Why? What can be done to reduce this problem? [2]

Where does it say in the original prompt that there is a debate about the topic? Examiners frown upon exam takers who exaggerate from the original prompt statement. That removes the validity, factual correctness, and proper informative ability of your presentation. Do not exaggerate and avoid creating information just to "spice up" the presentation. That will not help your score. Additionally, you have to provide single topic references for each question to create a fully developed prompt restatement. The original prompt will also indicate how many paragraphs you need to write for the essay. In this case, 1 restatement of the topic, one reason as to why people waste food, and one suggestion as to how to reduce food wastage. Add the conclusion / reverse paraphrase and you have a total of 4 paragraphs required. So you actually over discussed the essay in this case. Only the 2 point of view plus personal opinion instruction requires a 5 paragraph response.

You are too busy writing long sentences that do not deliver any information to the reader instead of writing reasoning based sentences that help move your essay forward. You have a tendency to simply write long sentences that do not have a clear purpose. You need to write a mix of simple and complex sentences that actually make sense to the reader, in short form rather than run-on form.

Your conclusion is confusing. What does telecom have to do with the discussion? It doesn't factor into the original prompt representation. Your conclusion does not represent a properly developed summary conclusion.

Undergraduate / The next generation of technology - Personal statement for apply the British university. [3]

I am not sure if this personal statement is being written for a masters degree application or an undergraduate course application. Each has a specific set of personal statement information for its presentation. The lack of clarity regarding the personal statement use is what will prevent me from offering more targeted comments regarding your presentation.

As this is a personal statement, the university often provides a prompt for you to respond to. I am not sure what the prompt you are responding to is. Is this about something that fascinates you? If it is, then you did an acceptable job of representing your interest in VR development. However, you are discussing more than one aspect of your interest in technology and its scientific applications. I think you need to narrow down the focus of your essay based upon the actual discussion requirements of the prompt. I am unable to address which aspects to improve and delete due to the lack of clarity in your title and missing prompt prior to the essay presentation. I am not sure how to make it more engaging for the reader without the instructions / writing guidelines.

Writing Feedback / Information technology is giving people a variety of new paths to experience the daily life [3]

Kindly prioritize the correction of your writing errors prior to the submission of your essay. Do not have a non-proof read, revised, and edited essay submitted. The main focus of your presentation must be on a clean presentation. That means, you will submit a perfect, error free essay or, an essay with as little errors as possible. A quick glance of your paper showed me that you have several errors in spelling, coherence, and cohesiveness. All errors that, when combined, shall pull down your overall final score. While you might still have a passing score, it may not be high enough to be considered for your target international school scoring requirements.

You are not scored on the number of reasons you can provide in a paragraph. The scoring is based on how well you can explain one reason in 5 sentences. Your first reasoning paragraph highlights your ability to properly explain the first reason, but then, your second reason lacks the same clarity and depth of explanation. It was the second under developed reason that weakened the presentation. You will do well to focus your full clarity of explanation in a single reason as you will score better in the C&C section that way.

Your second reasoning paragraph is even worse than the first. You just kept on stating reasons, with very little discussion development. So you need to really focus more on choosing your strongest reason per paragraph and then developing those. When you just keep on writing, without considering the strength of your reasoning, then you do not provide a convincing statement for the examiner to consider.

You must also learn how to properly summarize your discussion points for the conclusion. What you did was, you only provided a vague closing summary, without providing the information you used in the previous discussions. The concluding summary should be like a paragraph form bullet listing of the previous discussion. That way you can properly conclude the essay. Right now, you left it open-ended rather than concluded presentation.

By the way, please try to limit yourself to 275-290 words. That way you can spend more time on correcting errors and clearing up any confusing passages in your presentation. That will also allow you to limit your discussion topics per paragraph that may not be properly explained or developed for the reader.