Scholarship / Challenges during the scholarship [4]

Consider doing some background research into these possible obstacles you believe you will be facing. Look into the programs that the university offers which will specifically help you deal with and overcome these barriers. You have to prove that you have done your homework and you know of the support groups and activities that the university is already offering. The scholarship committee wants to be sure that you are a serious student who has done his homework when it comes to your choice of university. A scholarship is not easily given. It is only given to students who show a high level of dedication to his studies through the help of the university. Don't use the bullet point system in your presentation. Discuss these difficulties in paragraph form. Show how each of these problems relate to one another and how the support system of the university will come into play to help you adjust to the new country, language, and environment. What you are talking about now are plans that do not have any solid foundation or plan of action. You need to look into how the university supports foreign students and include that discussion in this essay.

Undergraduate / Tell us about a time when you learned from failure - UofT One Idea Application [4]

Here is the thing about this presentation. You said that there were 3 of you in the group. That means, there were 3 of you responsible for meeting with the participants of the program. The failure to contact you is a non-issue since there were 3 of you who could have been contacted in several ways to arrange the meeting. This is not a failure based solely on your shortcomings as a leader. This is a group failure. So it does not work so well as a time when you failed as a person. There are 3 people to blame, not one person.

What you need to do is focus on some character building failure, time management failure, social failure, academic failure, or something similar to discuss. It has to be a failure that rested solely on your shoulders. That way the learning experience becomes one that emanated from your actual failure to perform a task that nobody else could help you with. You need to show a sense of maturity or developed insight into your capabilities as a person based on a personality or mindset altering event or time in your life.

Graduate / Review Personal Statement for Data Science Masters [2]

If we are to consider only the relevant parts of your writing that respond to the prompt requirements, we will see that there are only 2 usable paragraphs in this essay. These are:

- I am excited about the opportunities offered by the Data Science program ...interpreting data and inferring conclusions.
- During my senior year of university, I took an intro to a statistics course... came across the field of Data Science.

The personal statement is used to explain the development of your interest in a particular course. As such, you should take great care and have a keen interest in laying out the foundation that you have which can help you complete the course. The best way to redevelop this essay is to focus on the 2 sections I mentioned above. The first part, will need extra information in relation to how your ambition relates to your motivation to study the course. The second, explains your academic foundation in relation to your senior year courses. The third and final paragraph, should better explain your personal reasons for choosing the university. Your explanation right now does not show what personal considerations you had in choosing a school that this particular university passed.

Scholarship / Why New Zealand study? For adventure and because of my love for research and development [5]

Why are you educating the reviewer regarding information that he already knows about New Zealand and their ability produce some of the best food products and technology in the world? Your answers, which are based on actual research does not bode well for your application. That is because there are no personal reasons for your desire to study in New Zealand, only researched responses. Which means you may be in for a disappointment and be unable to continue with the course should the learning system not be to your liking. Try to write a new essay. One that pretends to focus on your impression of the food and technology system of New Zealand, that isn't based on research. Focus on the learning and immersion aspect of learning rather than including references to being a tourist as an adventurer.

Writing Feedback / Certain talents, for instance for music and sport - acquired or learned? [3]

This is another example of a 5 paragraph essay that became tangential in response because of a misrepresentation of the original prompt. The instruction is as follows:

OP: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
YP: This essay will discuss reasons behind both views.

You turned the 3 body paragraph discussion into a 2 paragraph discussion because you discussed both points of view from your private perspective. That private perspective was implied because you said you would discuss both points of view. You never said you would offer your own opinion after the required comparison discussion. The personal point of view cannot be included as a single sentence in the conclusion since the conclusion is the reverse summary of the body of paragraphs. Unfortunately, that is what you did in this essay, so the essay will have several mark downs all around.

Undergraduate / Part A, Waterloo AIF - biomedical program, pharmacy [2]

The essay is weak and unimpressive for the most part. However, there are certain sections that you can use to help you revise this essay. The following are the points for development:

- My goal is to apply to Pharmacy School...
- As someone living daily with allergic rhinitis...

The aforementioned topics will comprise your educational goals and provide the interest for the chosen program. You will need to develop more believable reasons for your choice of Waterloo as well. Do not use this version. Do not revise this version. Develop a new essay using the clues I provided above. That will be the best way to deliver a response that is within the character count.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for PTDF OVERSEAS SCHOLARSHIP 2020 - to tell the admissions committee who I am [2]

There is room for improvement in this essay. You need to develop the cybersecurity discussion in relation to the oil and gas industry. Base the expanded discussion in the applicability of your hacking scenario with the national development of Nigeria. You need to be more specific with regards to your discussion of the reason and relevance of your study. Your computer studies must relate to oil and gas. So think of how you can address that requirement in the essay. As a computer professional, I am sure you can accomplish that. If need be, do some research on the computer security related problems to oil and gas. Once you find some information on the topic, you should be able to further expand and improve on the revised presentation of this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - the number of live births per thousand of population per year in China and the USA [5]

The essay is informative and uses the information from the graph in a comprehensive manner. However the first sentence of the summary paragraph appears to have been a cut and paste of the title of the graph. Try to come up with a better presentation next time. One that feels more descriptive in your own words. This one feels like you did not trust yourself to try to come up with a better summary description for the chart. There are word choice errors such as "mean while", which should have been spelled as one word (meanwhile). Don't use memorized words like "provided", go for a synonym like "supplied". Sentence formation errors abound in the essay such as "... astonishingly similarities" instead of "astonishing similarities", and so on. Basically, you have the right understanding and thought process for analyzing the information, it is the grammar accuracy and lexical resource which is flawed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Discuss whether employees should be forced to disclosure their private data; job interview [2]

The paraphrasing in the first paragraph is incomplete. You omitted the paraphrase of the original instruction, which made your essay tangential in response. A more appropriate paraphrase would have been:

Personal data is now part of the information gathered from job applicants. This information is believed by some to be necessary in the future should the applicant be hired by the company. However, others oppose the collection of such data and believe it should be an optional part of the candidate's information sheet. . By analyzing both public points of view, I hope to form my own opinion regarding the usability of the said material.

From there, the body of paragraphs discussion should have been (in no particular order for the pro and con discussion) :

Body 1 - Pro
Body 2 - Con
Body 3 - Personal point of view
Conclusion

This is a 5 paragraph essay as per the instructions so more than 250 words should be written. At least 300 words will be needed to discuss should a prompt instruction.

Undergraduate / Describe a situation when you had to work very hard to achieve what was required. [3]

You should explain how the Sustainable Development Goal objectives were achieved by your actions in helping the school gain new teaching instruments. The way you make the effort sound on paper is too simple. There was no explanation as to how you resolved the problem as to getting the offices to pay attention to your requests. Remember, the situation has to prove that you worked very hard to achieve your goals. I did not get a clear picture of that in this essay. Focus less on describing the school, expand on the problems you faced and how you coped with the situation to achieve a resolution to the problems you had to overcome for the benefit of the students. Don't enumerate all your activities. Just center on the main problem, getting teaching aids to help the students learn. That is the most relevant topic you presented in this essay and that should be highlighted in the discussion.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] To accept or try to improve a bad situation? [2]

You have not properly discussed the given topic. Neither did you properly respond to the task requirements. Look at the following:

OP: Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations.

YP: People have been for years pondering whether it is better to put up with or struggle to find out solutions for problems without reaching any definite conclusion.

In this instance, your paraphrase of the given topic is incorrect. Next, we should compare the discussion instructions:

OP: Discuss both views.

YP: ... we should consider the pros and cons of both ways and decide depending on particular situation.

The discussion you should have presented, based on the original prompt should have been based on the ideas presented in the essay. Nowhere in the OP were you asked to discuss the pros and cons, nor were you asked to give a personal opinion. When asked to present both views, the body of paragraphs should only use 2 paragraphs representing:

1. Should a person simply accept a bad situation. If yes/no, why?
2. Should a person try to improve a bad situation? If yes, how? If no, why?

The TA score will rely heavily on your English comprehension skills. Fail to understand what the prompt requires of you and you will risk getting a low mark in the test.

Letters / Recommendation letter for PhD application under a Marie-Curie Fellowship [2]

Any recommendation letter must first, inform the reader about the following:

1. Full name and position title of the person writing the letter;
2. Length of time the person directly worked with the referee;
3. Capacity under which the referee worked with the referrer;
4. Inclusive dates of the work relationship (the more recent the better. Anything over 5 years old cannot be used as it is too far into the past for it to have a proper influence on your present work ethics and learning capacity.)

5. The letter must only contain references to the actual work or academic experience with the referee.

This letter covers too much ground to have been written by the referrer. The reviewer will recognize that fact, which will make this an ineffective letter of recommendation. If you want to write it yourself, follow the parameters above.

Undergraduate / Describe a situation when it was important for you to work with someone you didn't know [7]

A better response to this essay would have been something along the lines of how you got along and built a working relationship with someone whom you did not get along with. The trick questions, not included in this essay are, "How do you respond to stressful situations?" and "How do you adjust to situations where you can't see eye to eye with your peers?" By presenting a sense of maturity through cooperation, negotiation, team work, and meeting each other half-way, you will provide a response that shows the reviewer your ability to work in and succeed in performing what is required of you during stressful situations. It is necessary to explain this to the reviewer because those are the most likely study and research scenarios you will find yourself in should be admitted to the course at the university.

Undergraduate / AIF Extracurriculars Essay - additional information [3]

This is meant to be only a response statement as it offers only a 600 character allotment. So you definitely need to delete this essay from your files and write a new one. The AIF forms require you to keep your responses targeted and within the character allotment. Go over and the system will reject your application. Pick only one extra curricular activity, the one you enjoy the most, to discuss in the essay. That way you will allow the reviewer to get to know something about your out of school activities based on something you enjoy doing the most. Be short, quick, but informative. Then the essay will go through the online portal without a problem.

Graduate / SOP Pharmacy Phd review! I look forward to all critiques [4]

Since I do not know what the actual prompt parameters are for this SOP, I will base my review on the basic requirements of an SOP which, in this case, you followed most of the time but then went overboard and created a novel instead of an SOP. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read such a detailed statement of purpose. However, I feel that most of the information you included are important so you should focus on fixing the presentation to help ease the burden of having to read such a wordy essay. Using bullet points to highlight your academic and career achievements would help in this instance. Don't force the reviewer to have to look for your highlights, make sure that he can simply skim the page and automatically find information that makes you special. That means you will have to consider which of these highly specific information you really would like to summarize and present for the consideration of the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Why I decided to try in school - AIF Waterloo; tell anything else about yourself [4]

You need to write a new supporting statement. It is alright to brag, in a less direct manner in the statement, provided you actually have something to brag about. At this point, there really isn't anything indicated in your statement that will prove that you can slack off and get into school of your choosing. Instead, I would like you to focus on proving that you are some sort of "genius" as you implied in this version, by showing off one highly notable accomplishment that you believe the reviewer should know about. Why? Simply because proving that you are some sort of savant in this field that the university would be foolish to not admit into the student community. That would make for a more effective response than this self serving without proof statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2; We should invest in advanced railway lines for fast trains to facilitate our commuting [4]

The essay you have written changed the prompt discussion parameters as indicated in the original. I am not sure why you decided to do that. Perhaps you did not understand the instructions very well.

OP: Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
YP: This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both procedures.

The topic for discussion is not advantages over disadvantages, the essay is all about giving your opinion of the 2 public opinions by doing the following:

1. Explain what you understand of the two points of views based on provided information from the original prompt. Complete the discussions within 2 separate paragraphs.
2. Deliver your opinion based on the comparative discussion provided of the given opinions from the original prompt.

This essay will definitely receive low marks in the TA section due to the oversight you had regarding the discussion instructions and topics for discussion. In addition to that, you practically cut and paste full sentence sections from the original prompt, which would result in lower LR scores since you showed you are not capable of paraphrasing or expressing the same thoughts as the original post in a new manner. I am worried that due to the marked mistakes in this essay, you may not be able to get a passing score for the test.

Undergraduate / The Reason Why I Am Interested In Engineering And Willing To Perform Well [5]

Can you provide the complete prompt for this essay so that a proper review of your work can be completed? What I can tell you, based upon this current work, is that your motivation for your selected major isn't convincing enough. It is not delivering any impressive motivations that would convince the reviewer that you would perform outstandingly as a student in the course. These motivation statements need to be laser focused on the objectives that you have which would push your image as a potentially hardworking and exemplary student at the university. This is my general observation of the work you have done, without knowing what the actual writing parameters are. I need the actual instructions to be able to offer you more relevant advice based on the statement expectations.

Graduate / LOI for MA in International Development - career engagement [3]

Wow! This is definitely too long and presents too much relevant and irrelevant information. This is almost 1000 words. An LOI should only be a cover letter of no more than one page. Rather than revising the letter, you should write a new one instead that focuses on specific information that could be of interest to the reviewer. Use it to highlight your motivation, your objectives, and why you chose the university. Those are the targeted topics that you have to discuss in an overview form within the LOI. Expanded discussions of each topic will be further highlighted in specific application essays for the program. This letter should only be a summary of the information so you should be able to do that within 3-5 paragraphs in the new, not revised, letter.

Undergraduate / AIF For Software Engineering (More About Your Goals) [2]

Without access to the actual prompt you are responding to, I cannot really tell you that you are responding to the prompt accurately. That is something that I can only assess if I have access to the question you are responding to. With that said, this seems like a good goal as a student at the university. I believe that it could be further improved if you can compare and contrast the current hacking events at Waterloo with the reasons why yours would be set apart from it. It isn't enough to simply say that the current hackathon tends to be frightening for new freshmen. The response could use further development overall. Unfortunately, I can't point out how to revise this essay because of the missing prompt requirement.

Scholarship / Food Technology programme relates closely to the recommended subject for my country [3]

This essay is nothing more than one run-on sentence after another. The length of each sentence, coupled with the multiple ideas presented within each sentence makes the total essay confusing to read. It is difficult for the reviewer to keep track of what you are saying. That means, he will also fail to consider if your essay actually responds to the prompt requirements. What is the maximum word count for this essay? If you are limited in word count then the essay must also be limited in response scope. That means, pick one or 2 important points to discuss regarding skills and knowledge. One per topic. That way you can focus on properly explaining yourself regarding why the skill and knowledge will be important to your career once you return to your country. Give a more direct response to the single question. Don't write so much that all you managed to do was write an introduction to the response instead of the actual response. Reviewers always appreciate essays that respond to the question in the first 3 sentences of the first paragraph. Your essay will not increase the interest of the reviewer in learning more about you in relation to the prompt, it will instead, make him move on to the next applicant. Why? You just took too long to get to the point.

Scholarship / I've chosen to study B.A (English Language and Linguistics) to become an English teacher in Myanmar [3]

Your essay does not respond to the question posed at all. You totally disregarded the requirements of the essay and wrote only what you wanted to tell the reviewer, which indicates that you do not have a good grasp of the English language even though you claim to do so. This essay is asking for the reason why you want to study this course at this university. Think back to your college thesis. Then ask yourself, how can I further improve on that research? What contribution will it make to my career? Write an essay that will connect the two. You are being asked about what your master thesis might potentially be and how that will help you improve your career opportunities in the future. What you wrote does not even come close to explaining the focal point of this discussion. Think about where your career is at at the moment (present time) and then consider how these studies and your potential research can help you become a better professional in the future. That is the career goal aspect of the presentation.

Additionally, it is not OK for you to write more than the maximum word count. If you are submitting this essay as part of an online application, the system could cut your essay at the 200 word mark. If the system runs on a timer, you won't have enough time to revise the essay to suit the word requirement. If you submit a paper application, the reviewer will realize that you wrote more than the word count, which means, again, that you cannot understand nor follow English instructions. Do only as instructed or risk getting rejected from the consideration process.

Writing Feedback / Essay about woven baskets from the prehistoric village of Palea (GRE) [3]

I guess the best way to explain how your essay might be scored would be to present my assumption of your possible scores based on each scoring criteria. Let's get started:

Quality of Ideas and Organization:
A possible 4. The examples you chose to use in the essay, specifically the Egyptian pyramid reference was genius. It totally relates to the position you have taken regarding the weakest point of the essay. It could have used further discussion though. Next time, try to outline your topics for discussion first, then write the essay. Having a writing guide should help you develop better ideas and a more organized and coherent presentation.

Writing Style:
Maybe a 3. Try to mix up the sentence lengths to show more writing style variety. Review your vocabulary and make sure that you use "big" words in the proper context. Make sure to proof read your paper for grammatical errors and problematic sentence styles. These seem to be the most evident problems with this presentation. By the way, try to avoid using pronouns to refer to gender. Be non-gender specific. Simply say " to strengthen THE argument." A reference to the discussion does not require a gender. Neither does a reference to the author. Learn to use synonyms to build your vocabulary properly.

Grammar and Usage:
Could be a 3. You need to practice writing English sentences using the proper vocabulary and sentence structures. You should familiarize yourself more with how the American English language is structured using writing rules, verbs, nouns, pronouns, phrases, keywords, punctuation marks, and other sentence foundation considerations.

Summary
Another 3. The analysis is good but the presentation needs work. You clearly understood the discussion but could have more coherently expressed yourself. Remember, the key to any effective essay is review, revise, finalize. You need to catch your mistakes before the examiner does and that, is done during the editing phase, prior to submitting the essay for scoring.

Again, I just presented my opinion. It is meant to be a critical analysis of your work, looking for points of improvement. I believe that I have clearly indicated the problematic areas of your writing in my review.

Scholarship / Be Change Maker - Personal Statement GKS 2020 [3]

The only part of this essay that you can reuse in the revised essay is the employment portion. Even though it is not GKS / Korea related, it still helps to enhance your application somewhat. Your motivation to join the program is not clear. Do not start this essay with your early studies. The motivation must have a professional / career goal envisioned for yourself, which propelled you to apply for the scholarship.

The reason you gave as a justification for studying in Korea is too generic in information. You need to focus your reason for choosing Korea on more than that. It could be a shared personal philosophy, a desire to learn about an emerging trend that saw its beginnings in Korea, or something else. Just give a more solid reason for choosing Korea as your academic host country. You could even use a reference to wishing to study at a specific Korean university because some accomplishment it has in a field related to your career or chosen masters course. By the way, try to include information about your research proficiency. I do not really see an effective reference to that important guide suggestion in your essay.

The current version is a rough draft that at least gave you a usable piece of information. as for the rest of the essay. You need to work on making sure it responds better to the guide questions as provided in the application form.

Writing Feedback / How to Help the Impact of Social Media on Children: Rough Draft [2]

The essay lacks a range of discussion development throughout the presentation. These are not even complete paragraph presentations. It feels like you had a thought or came across some information you thought was important, threw it into the essay and then could not figure out how to discuss each topic thoroughly. More importantly, each paragraph stands alone and doesn't really blend well into the next paragraph presentation. I guess what I am trying to say is, you need to develop the discussion through the use of more information, personal opinions, and other types of data. More importantly, you need to explain each and every source in the paper to help the reader understand why that person's opinion, a group of people's opinion, or research information should be taken seriously and authoritatively. Expand on the background of the person being mentioned in the research or explain why a certain quote from a certain article is a verified data source.

Graduate / Environment Design; STATEMENT OF PURPOSE - Goal of Study & Study Plan / Future plan after Studies [3]

You have approached the essay incorrectly. The goal of your studies must be related to your motivation for studying in Korea. You must expand on your motivation in this area to include your study objectives and thesis statement. The study plan should enumerate how the university can help you achieve the expected outcome of your thesis proposal through research and immersion activities. You have to highlight the fact that only Korea offers you a specific study opportunity in relation to your thesis statement / career goals. Do that separately for each university. As for your plan after studies, take it step by step. Don't jump to professorship immediately. Use a career progression presentation that covers at least 5 years, which will logically lead to your PhD studies. Remember, this is a thesis presentation. Not a research paper for presentation to the reviewer. In this current condition, the essay is totally unusable.

Writing Feedback / The statistics of afforestation on all continents over the world [4]

It will be extremely difficult for you to gain a passing score for this type of presentation. The main reason you will fail the test is because you lack too many words to complete the 150 minimum word count. You wrote only 127 words which means there will be points deducted for the TA section based on the missing 23 words. Since you have written less than the minimum word count, it will be assumed that you did not properly explain the information within the graph and as such, will receive additional points deductions in the remaining scoring brackets. Remember, you cannot fully explain, in an understandable manner, what the image indicates when you write less than the required word count. I won't even begin to mention the writing problems in the essay because it makes no sense doing so. I can't properly judge your writing skills when you did not make the effort to write the required word count.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: Importance of a Balanced Life [3]

I am afraid that the essay ran away from you and the prompt itself. What you discussed was more of something used in the supplemental essays regarding any additional information that you think is important but was not addressed in the other prompts. The topic for this particular prompt has to do with any of the following: Personal virtue, character in the face of adversity or trial, social consciousness, moral righteousness, personal beliefs, ideologies, and the like. Based on any of those suggestions, you can choose a topic that would seem important to you and explain why that is. It must reflect your development as a person in any of the aforementioned areas in order to be an effective response to the essay.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: some people think that video games are advantageous - opinion essay [3]

I am afraid that the overall score for this essay may only be within the 4 bracket. That is because there is a lack of cohesiveness and coherence in the overall discussion presentation and GRA problems abound in the total presentation. There is a lack of proper topic / discussion development for the essay. Reasons are listed, but no actual justification, through properly developed explanations can be seen. There is a lack of clarity in the sentence presentation due to the problematic sentence structures. While the essay does have a point, it requires several readings before the reader can actually figure out what is being said and how the information presented relates to one another. You do not need to present several reasons, one or 2 reasons, properly explained over 2 paragraphs, before your own opinion, will be sufficient to increase your overall score and task achievement.

Graduate / Pursuing master's degree in International Trade GKS/KGSP - small family and destiny [3]

This essay should not have been based on your personal considerations for content. You must ensure that your work responds to the requirements of the GKS masters application which are as follows:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

You need to split up this essay into paragraphs representing each section of the prompt. While your responses can be located anywhere within the given paragraphs, you need to make sure that your writing actually considers the necessary information. The reference to your family, your mother paying your fees, those have no place in the masters personal statement. Only career objectives should represent your motivation to apply for the program.

Enhance your Korean educational experience as that falls directly under your educational experience in relation to GKS. Your work presentation should be clearly seen as well, as a separate paragraph. Regardless of whether it is related to KGSP or not. Your ability to have had your chance to study in Spain under the Erasmus program should be highlighted with its own paragraph reference. It should not be mixed in with everything else. That will make it hard for the reviewer to keep track of your information highlights.

The essay is open ended. It requires a strong concluding paragraph.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Tourism Development and Culture EMJMD [3]

Don't make boastful claims in your letter such as "top student". What the reviewer considers a top student and what you are, based on your records may be two different things. Allow the reviewer to come to that conclusion on his own. There is no reference in the essay to the course curriculum you will be taking both years and how it specifically ties in with your educational background (related college course/s) and work experience. Your excitement in writing the letter is palpable, but it doesn't translate into an informative essay based on the discussion requirements. It might not be tremendously helpful with your application in its current state. I strongly advise that you revise the content by outlining your responses based on the prompt requirements first, then building the actual essay from there. That way you will see if you truly responded to all the questions or if you missed out on some points.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Video games: harmless fun or useful educational tool? [6]

Try to never repeat keywords from the original prompt in your paraphrase. The reason behind that is that you want to increase your LR score by using synonyms to express yourself, Using the same keywords, such as harmless and fun, even if used in different areas of the same paragraph can be considered memorized words or phrases, which will have a direct effect on the lowering of your LR and GRA scores. You must also try to avoid the overuse of the comma to increase your C&C score. Your reliance on commas instead of periods to separate your thoughts and discussions will lower your C&C and GRA scores. Show the examiner that you can explain yourself clearly using a mix of long and short sentences. Avoid run-on sentences so that you can get a better scoring consideration for the aforementioned scoring sections.

Undergraduate / Moving to the Philippines - NTU: event or incident you have encountered personally [2]

What is missing in this essay is the actual impact of how these immersive experiences on you as a person. Sure it opened your eyes to your privilege and the poverty around you. It is great that you decided that these eye openers motivated you to give back in the future. Guess what? The future is now. How have these experiences made you a more socially conscious person? What have you done to help you achieve the goal of helping these people? We are talking about a lack of sociocivic activities in your essay that help define the development of your maturity based on observations and life experiences. The The developed character part is weakened by the lack of reference as to how you actually used the experience to become a better person.

Exposure + Experience + Doing something about it = Personal Growth / Maturity

Scholarship / GKS SCHOLARSHIP / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR INTERNATIONAL STUDIES - EMBASSY TRACK, COLOMBIA [3]

Reformat the content of the essay to better address the connection of your interest in Korea and your personal background. Discuss your family philosophy in relation to the Hongik Ingan at the start. I know, it will not follow the prompt guideline presentation. Nobody said the guidelines were set in stone with regards to presentation in the essay. Doing that will make the essay develop an interesting hook that will immediately impress the reviewer. You don't have to discuss Korean history and pop culture, the philosophy is unique enough to make the essay stand out.

Based on that revision, you should be able to better explain the connection of your personal philosophy with your law career. This will be the motivational aspect of the essay. Work backwards from there and try to highlight your achievements as a Hangul student (proficiency level) and your Korean related activities on campus. These should better represent the GKS connection of your education. Your academic background is a bit weak. You need to show academic excellence in some way, not just saying you have an excellent GPA. There should also be some reference to your strength as a researcher as required in the latter part of the guidelines. I do not see any of that in the presentation.

The essay needs more relevant information, better editing, and a clear discussion direction. Provide that, and the essay will be better than this version.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Curfew effects on teens [6]

I noticed that your prompt paraphrase includes researched information. Do not practice writing these essays based on researched information. The testing center will only have LAN, not internet access. You will not be able to do research to help you with your writing during the actual test. In addition to that, this sort of question tests your current events knowledge. Read the news and familiarize yourself with the international news before the test is given.

Your prompt paraphrase does not address the requirements of this paragraph. There is no proper summary based on the generalized information that the prompt gave you. Your research, in this case, pulled down your TA score, instead of improving it because you turned a general discussion into a topic specific discussion. Changing the way the task is to be performed means you will receive deductions based on your inability to understand and follow basic instructions.

The better way to approach this type of essay is to use the 5 paragraph format. That is:
1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Pro opinion 1
3. Con opinion 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Summary of the discussion (conclusion)

If you show the examiner that you took 2 points of view into consideration before coming to your own opinion, you will have shown a clear ability to explain yourself in English and make yourself understood. That is the best way to maximize your C&C, GRA, and LR scoring potential. It will allow you to write more than 250 words in a manner that will impress the reviewer. Your essay will fail based on its inability to properly discuss your personal opinion regarding the given matter. What you wrote is more of a research paper rather than a personal opinion paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task I: UK Cinema Attendance of different age citizens, from 1990 to 2010 [5]

The summary overview is incomplete. It does not include the age group representation which is necessary to complete the overview. The summary should be at least 3 sentences long with the trending statement attached at the end for a more increased TA score.

Your essay tends to use only long sentences instead of a balanced mix of long and short sentences. Such sentence presentations in each paragraph would help to increase the GRA score. The C&C score is also affected by the constant use of commas to connect various information in one sentence. You will score better if you use stand alone sentences instead of commas which are often indicative or run-on sentences. These affect the clarity of thought in your sentence presentations and could tend to confuse the reader. Don't be afraid to use up to 4 paragraphs for this essay for clarity sake.

"Subsequently" means to occurring later or coming after. You meant to say "respectively" which refers to the order in which information is provided. Mistakes in vocabulary usage will lower your LR score. If you are not sure of the meaning of a word you want to use, then try to say what you mean in another way. Don't risk using the wrong term as even a single wrong word will deduct points from your final score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: SHOULD WE ACCEPT WHAT LIFE GAVE US OR STAND UP AND FIGHT [4]

A personal opinion should not be presented int he introduction paraphrase because there isn't enough sentence space left for you to explain your opinion. The opinion is always presented as the first, second, or third body paragraph in the main discussion. If you compare the original prompt to your prompt response, you will see that you delivered an incomplete paraphrase of the discussion:

OP: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
YP: I suggest that people should base on the situations they are facing with to decide which way they should solve it.

The correction presentation for this paraphrase section would be:

When faced with problematic developments in relation to finances or work activities, there are some people who will have a defeatist attitude and accept what they believe cannot be changed. While there will be those who believe that such circumstances can be positively resolved. It is important that I discuss both points of view in order to present my own assessment of the topic.

Note that the way I wrote the introduction properly paraphrased all of the important aspects of the prompt, while focusing on creating a GRA and LR boost through the use of synonyms in the introduction. These are very important to accomplish early on in the essay to boost your TA and overall score.

If you are offering an opinion, then you cannot make a suggestion. Rather, you can offer an opinion based on your personal belief. So instead of "strongly suggest", you could instead say "I strongly believe" in support of your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: Studying other country's cultures [2]

Where is your response to the prompt requirement? I do not see it in the final sentence of your introduction. Without it, your TA score will be less than passing. In fact, you created your own prompt for discussion in the essay.

OP: To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion?
YP: ... the use of the Internet has brought various benefits for cultural learners.

In this instance, you focused your body of paragraphs in discussing the academic side of learning rather the cultural side. That falls under the prompt requirement that you created, not the prompt as given by the test. As such, you have not discussed the essay in the manner required based on the topic provided. So this will get a failing TA score. Once you fail the TA score, you cannot possibly pass the test based only on the 3 remaining scoring considerations. You need to work on your English comprehension skills so that you can understand what the actual instruction for the discussion is in the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2. Children should always follow parents advice till they become more independent and mature [2]

One of the first things that the examiner will check for with your essay is the word count. You wrote only 245 of the required 250 word minimum. That means points deductions will be made based on the missing word count which, in this case, is 5 words. Why is it important to write at least 250-300 words? The explanation lies in the remaining 3 scoring considerations.

The C&C score relies on your ability to clearly explain yourself in the English language. That requires more than 245 words to accomplish. The LR score, relies on your ability to properly use English terms in the proper context. While the GRA relies on your ability to write English sentences using proper English writing rules. All of which will be affected by your limited written words. Aside from that, there is no proper response to the prompt question in your introduction which is:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Your response was "I believe..." which does not imply the extent of your dis/agreement with the given topic for discussion. As such your essay will be considered to have failed in the task achievement section since you failed to address the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Why I'm not motivated in highschool [3]

The first 4 sentences sound more like you wallowing in self-pity instead of you justifying your low grades and how you, based on your grade records, were able to go from low to high. You need a more specific discussion of how you managed to overcome your lack of motivation to be able to turn around your grades to the point where you believe you have proven that you could be an excellent addition to the Waterloo student roster. Don't pose a question within your statement response. That changes the direction of the essay from prompt responsive to a personal reflection presentation. It isn't just about self-reflection. It's more about how you motivated yourself to turn your academic life around for your personal / educational benefit.