The essay will tell the reviewer that you have not familiarized yourself with the course curriculum for your chosen course, which will negatively impact your application. You have not given any thought as to how your interest in your chosen major actually developed in your life and how you hope this interest will be useful once you become a professional armed with this degree. There are no solid educational goals presented. Your reasons for choosing the program are flimsy, and your reason for applying to Waterloo are not based on fact or data in relation to your chosen major. This is not an essay response that will help you win a student slot. It will not help your application at all. Strengthen the weak points and put some research time into your response creation to create a solid application essay instead.
The time reference in this essay is all over the place. Since the band was established in 2018, that is the past. So all time reference mentions should be in the past tense. You are using present tense words to describe things that happened in the past. Please correct those mistakes. The essay itself is good as it shows an important activity that allowed you excel as a leader, who has good team management, time management, and team building skills. It shows that you are a mature person who knows how to handle crises without giving in to emotional, psychological, and social stress. You have written a good essay that is marred by grammatical errors. Fix the grammar errors and the essay should be good for use.
Even without seeing the guiding prompts for this personal statement, I would have to say that the essay does not carry much weight in terms of describing the development of your interest in oil and gas drilling. This essay, due to lack of information regarding the development of your interest, current interest, and future vision for your profession does not help to show that you have a personal interest in improving your knowledge and skills in this field. It has to present more academic and professional evidence of the progression of your interest and why you feel that the university you have chosen, through specific programs, will be the best place for you to train for the potential achievement of your career goals.
There is no true academic journey being told in this essay. You have to show the development of your interest in solar power based on the progression of your academic studies starting from either high school or college. Pertinent seminars that you attended in relation to solar power development may also be considered part of your educational journey. A position and job description based on your current employment should help explain how you became aware of the water problem in Afghanistan. From there, you should explain how you developed your theoretical solution to the problem, which you hope to pursue into an actual solution based on the support for the Fulbright program. I do not see any reference as to how your completing this education will fill a gap in the Afghan workforce. You should fill in that blank. You do not have a forward thinking presentation for your after study goals and career plans. address that as well. This essay is nothing more than a draft outline of what your actual response should contain. Even then, it falls short of expectations.
Your response statement does not properly respond to the question. The prompt is asking you to summarize your after study career goals. What do you hope to achieve after completing the course? What specific theoretical learning and practical skills do you hope to gain while a student at the university? How will these learning achievements help you become a better engineer? Think about your future. What do you hope to accomplish as an Engineer? Why is the University of Toronto the place for you to learn how to achieve those goals? You have to show a familiarity with the course curriculum in relation to your chosen course. The reviewer needs to know that you are conscious of what you will be getting into and what the University of Toronto expects of its students in this course.
The last paragraph of this essay should really be the first paragraph because that is the direct response to the question posed by the prompt. The rest of the paragraphs should only help to explain why Ikigai is important to you. The only problem I see is that your explanatory part doesn't relate to Ikigai and relates more to perfectionism. Ikigai is all about being satisfied with one's life choices, not so much about one's dissatisfaction with your educational accomplishments. You can revise your response by writing paragraphs that will help explain this part from your essay in relation to Ikigai :In the pursuit of it, I invest more time and energy in doing things that inspire patience, gratitude and mindfulness" Go beyond academics and look at your life in totality. Satisfaction within your place in the family and society should be the focal point of your response.
The missing element in this version of your study plan is ; what is the relevance of this research to the Korean government / people? How will your research help Koreans? You have to show a co-relation between your research, its relevance to the health system of Korea, the steps the Korean government has taken to address this problem and why your research can help improve or radically change the way Koreans deal with Autism. This should be discussed in the detailed study plan. It must include a list of areas / universities / hospitals in Korea that can directly help with your research.
Mentioning the extent of Korean solutions to the plan in relation to your potential research may also help strengthen the study plan. Your aim is to show the reviewer that your research shall help enhance the Korean participation on the world stage in relation to Autism. You have to do additional research for this topic before you can write a truly acceptable goal of study presentation.
I am not sure if you posted this as an English writing exercise or as a response to an English test prompt. If it is for an English test, please remember to post the prompt next time to receive a full review of your work and writing abilities. Now, let me deal with the errors in your writing. When you use the word "is", the next action must be in present tense or future tense. It cannot be used to refer to something that has happened in the past, as in past tense ( is happened = is happening). Do not use the term "weak" when you are referring to the state of a person's finances or status in life. The more appropriate term would have been "poor" or "financially challenged". Properties cannot be used to refer to agricultural land either as the term is a blanket reference to anything a person owns. You need to be specific in your references when discussing a particular topic. Be concise, be clear, use the correct reference words. That said, I got the point of what you were trying to say in the essay just the same. You did not not come across clearly in most instances but I managed to figure it out based on the supporting sentences in every paragraph.
The essay doesn't respond to the prompt. You are telling me about your brother with special needs when the prompt is asking you to discuss how your family, friends, and community members would describe you. You did not get the point of the prompt at all. You must address all of the people required in the essay, using their point of view to describe who you are. You only get to talk about yourself in the last part of the response. Do not focus on your brother, focus on the aspects required for discussion based on the prompt requirements. This essay is not about your relationship with your brother. It is about your relationship with the people around you. So discuss how they see you as a person. You can use your brother's POV as a reference point for "family" if you wish, but it cannot be the whole discussion point of the essay.
Try to write at least 3 sentences for every paragraph. That way you increase the word count and your chance at increasing your vocabulary and coherence score. Avoid using words that connote uncertainty in this essay. If you review the graph very well, you will see that you did not have to say "about 50%" because the graph was right on the 50% mark. The word "about" indicated uncertainty when the data presented was accurate in the graph. Since the graph has specific years indicated, you should use the years indicated rather than again, going for the uncertain word presentation of "seven years". This task is all about the accuracy of your data presentation. Don't take shortcuts. Make sure to summarize the report accurately at all times.
Open your essay with the MUN participation first. Then explain that your experience and interest in participating in the said activity stems from your participation in the BRIDGE program. You have to properly connect your activities in the essay. The main problem I see though, is that you do not have any relevant accomplishments as an MUN member that would help to highlight your participation in this activity. If the activity only helped you improve your backroom skills, then it doesn't really county. You need an activity that will highlight why you are a good candidate for admission to this course. As of now, it doesn't really seem relevant to your chosen course at the university.
Well, you certainly made your opinion clear in the essay, even with the problematic grammar and sentence presentations. You made valid points but had problems in your written presentation. You have several spelling errors that you failed to correct because you did not review and edit your essay before submission. Spelling mistakes count towards points deductions. There is a problem with the conciseness of your word choices. That means you need to learn to express yourself using fewer, more applicable words in your sentences and paragraphs. This can only be done if you can manage to build your English vocabulary based on proper word usage. Practice developing simple English sentences aside from practicing to write your essay responses.
Well,t his is certainly a very strong application essay that highlights all of the salient points of the prompt requirements. Your motivation and continued development of that motivation both through your studies and profession can be found within your work. You may want to revise the first paragraph though. It is running too long and distracts from the motivation in the second paragraph. Try to write a merged paragraph instead that combines the important information from both the 1st and 2dn paragraphs into a strong motivational explanation as your introduction paragraph. Your reasons for wishing to study in Korea, the connection of your education to GKS, the language studies, and the fact that you are employed by a Korean company overseas will all add up to create an impressive personal statement in the end.
The summary paragraph is missing a trending statement at the end. The summary paragraph is the first paragraph of this task essay. The essay must be written in paragraph form. Even if you meet the word requirement with single sentence presentations, that will drag your score down because you are not presenting fully developed paragraphs based on an analysis of the bar chart. You have to do proper comparisons based on related information in every paragraph. Please remember that you should avoid writing run-on sentences in order to improve your cohesiveness score. Make sure to use periods to separate information instead of the word "and" or commas because those will result in long sentences. That is also the main reason why you did not meet the paragraph sentence requirement for the essay.
Do you have any other activity that you could in place of this volunteer experience? The experience that you speak of here is too generalized to make an impact on the reviewer. It's impact on both you and the people you dealt with feels narrow and shallow. There is no highlight to your experience that could make this a stand out volunteer activity for you. The accomplishments you made were not really as impactful as the essay required and your participation isn't exactly notable either. It is weak and requires a more impactful activity. Something that has a stand out participation on your part that led to a significant change in the organization. Maybe you can highlight why it was important to connect the subject to the teacher and how you fought to make the change along with what the significant outcome was when the change was implemented. You need to focus on just one of your participation stories and build it up. You only need one effective story, instead of several short and ill developed presentations.
This is an overall essay that has not taken the prompt guide questions into consideration as the draft was being written. This is the kind of scholarship application that will be rejected in the first round of reviews. It does not clearly state how your previous course somehow relates to your new interests and what abilities and skills you have that actually relate, from the first course going into the second course. Sure you graduated with a cum laude. That type of graduate is considered a dime a dozen, it won't impress the reviewer. Remember, only the best of the best students across the world apply for this scholarship and all of them have some sort of stand out participation in their profession to base their application on. This application is not strong in theis sense. You must discuss your previous classes, scores, and accomplishments based on the KGS requirements for the course you have chosen. That is how you can try to highlight your academic abilities. Your research prowess leaves plenty to be desired. It is not impressive at all since you do not seem to have an actual research project of your own to successfully present. Neither does it present an aptitude or desire for higher learning. When you say you do not have any experience in developing an app, you have already lost. Instead, give an overview of a passion research project you hope to pursue and then develop the explanation for that passion project in your goal of study.
The introduction paragraph is incomplete. Since this is a summary of the graph information, it should contain a list of all 5 countries, not just Australia. You cannot take the title of the chart and use that as your opening sentence. The opening sentence needs to present the information presented, listing of countries, type of measurement used, and trending statement. The trending statement should be a summary of the trends in the graph. It should not contain several trending sentences as you mistakenly presented. You also used complex sentences, creating run-on presentations when simple presentations should have been used. Remember, a period works better than a comma when writing several separate but related information. You just need to format the sentence presentation properly.
It is a bit difficult to review your personal statement as you did not indicate if the university has specific guide questions for you to respond to in the essay. The personal statement that you have written comes across as rather dry. It is not very interesting because it does not have any highlights in the presentation. There are no anecdotes or stories regarding your employment that could showcase your skills as a professional that have prepared you for the course. Nor are there elements of the essay that could represent how your desire to study advance courses is directly related to your current job description. Try to be less straightforward in presenting your information in order to develop an interesting paper. Use stories, work experiences, your imagination when writing the paper. Why should I be interested in you as a student? How can you enhance the learning experience for others based on your current experience? Your essay mostly tells instead of shows the reader why you are a good candidate. There is no additional information in the essay, based on work experience that can help support your claims regarding your education and skills. Try to make the essay more interesting by balancing fact with evidence through storytelling whenever possible.
The essay sounds more like you explaining what you understand about the course objectives. You come across more as lecturing the reviewer rather than highlighting your skills as a profession and in turn, as a student. This essay does not respond properly to the prompt requirements. Consider this essay a part of your resume. If you were writing a cover letter, how would you sell yourself as a viable candidate for a job? What is your current job title? What is your work description? How does your work function / duties and responsibilities relate to your chosen course? The essay is asking you to exemplify your relevant skills and abilities and why these work related skills will make you a good candidate for the MSc course. I believe it would be better if you wrote a new essay that better responds to the prompt using the guide questions I provided.
The theme of the response should be found in the first paragraph. Since respecting the point of view of others is important to you, then you must indicate that either as the topic sentence (first sentence) of the essay or, as the thesis statement (last sentence) of the first paragraph. You can reverse your paragraph presentation if you want and then revise the content presentation to better suit the new format or, and I believe this would be easier, write a new essay that clearly states the theme of your response right from the start. The reviewer will not waste time reading the whole essay just to find your actual response. It should be presented as :
Only the last part of this essay requires your personal point of view. You should only speak from the first person perspective regarding what you are most proud of and why. The rest of the essay should be from the second person point of view. A specific point of view that your parents have about you as their child and your academic performance would be good to indicate. Your friends should say something about your personality and maybe a sport or extra curricular activity that you participate in with them. The community can be from the point of view of a neighbor you spend time helping or hanging out with. Revise the presentation as per the aforementioned guidelines so that the essay can meet the prompt requirements.
The essay theme is a good one. However, the presentation is not very good. It suffers from proper editing and grammar, both of which is impossible to correct as a simple response to your post. You require professional editing for your work or, you can try to run it through a grammar checker and see if that can help. You should build up the presentation of how you overcame the fear. It can't be as simple as your parents boosting your confidence. What steps did you take to finally pass the test? How did those personal actions develop you as a person? Skip the quote from Ford, your sentiments in that paragraph are strong enough to close the essay. You don't need the words of someone else to close this on a strong note.
The title of your essay could use some improvement. It is not as eye-catching nor interesting as you might think it is. It isn't the kind of creative title that will immediately catch the eye of the reviewer. It is too generic in presentation. Since the title is the immediate hook of your essay, you need to think out of the box regarding how to entice the reviewer to read your work. The essay is also 40 words longer than the 200 word maximum so you will need to adjust the content of the essay downward. It would be better if you don't speak about what you don't love. Try to write the essay in a manner that shows the development of your interest in Psychology based on your love of human observation and a desire to understand even the strangers you meet in the street. Or something like that.
First up, do not exaggerate the importance of the discussions being presented. The prompt offered you a simple discussion. Not a controversial discussion. Neither is the topic a controversy. The proper term to use would have been "discussion" or "points of view" but most definitely not "controversy". Use simple, rather than complex words in the writing of these essays. It helps you to avoid vocabulary errors. You have focused so much on trying to impress the examiner with your vocabulary knowledge that you failed to see that the words you have chosen to use do not make for a coherent sentence. Much less a cohesive paragraph. What you wrote are unnecessarily complex sentences that do not make much sense to a native English speaker. Perhaps you were translating from your vernacular, which is what often poses problems for the test takers. What sounds right in your mother tongue will not always translate properly into English due to word choices and sentence structure issues.
The essay has to focus on a personal issue that involves you. It should not center around the romantic relationship that you had with your girlfriend. As I read the essay, I learned more about your girlfriend and her character than I did about you. The reviewer is not interested in your girlfriend or your romantic relationship. He is interested in learning about you and how you build your character through these various activities or skills. I am strongly advising you to change the whole essay. You can still write about your gift as a story teller. You just have to actually make the whole essay about you instead of someone else. After all, it isn't your girlfriend who is applying for admission to the university.
If you are discussing only 2 topics in the body paragraphs, there is no need to numerically list it. Instead, use topic sentences at the start of the paragraph. That creates a more fluid presentation and avoids the feeling of choppiness while going from paragraph to paragraph. Use transition sentences towards the end of the first paragraph to create a flowing discussion presentation into the next topic. Avoid run-on sentences. Learn when to use a period instead of a comma. The term "therefore" is often used to start a sentence. It not usually used in the middle of the sentence. When writing formal papers, use only 1 punctuation mark, never 3 or more. You are not writing for a comic strip.
Your essay exceeded the word count by 28 words. You will need to do some overall editing to make sure that you meet the word count maximum requirement. I can't do that for you because only you would know where you would be comfortable cutting out or rewriting certain information within your presentation. One thing that the essay should immediately present is your personal motivation for your interest in mental health. That is weakly presented in the first paragraph. It has to be made the center of that discussion instead. How has mental health affected your life or the lives of those around you? What motivated this interest? Paragraphs 1,4, and 5 are the most important presentations in this essay. If you can improve on those aspects, the essay should become stronger. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are not really part of the motivational discussion required for this essay. I also do not believe that you strongly indicated how these studies will help your career path during or after studies.
The first paragraph is the summary of the information presented. It should have at between 3-5 sentences in its presentation in order to be considered a complete and informative paragraph. You should have summarized what information was presented in the chart, inclusive years, and types of crimes in the later part of the paragraph. While the sentence structure is problematic and word usage was often incorrect, you managed to make yourself understood in your presentation. Overall, the essay should get a passing score at the very least because of the way that you managed to present the information in an understandable manner. You are not near being considered a native speaker but I would say that you would qualify as an intermediate English speaker at this point.
You did well in presenting your analysis of the graph. It is clear that you spent time analyzing the line graph information. You also wrote 188 words, which is good enough to get an overall impressive score in terms of cohesiveness, coherence, and vocabulary skills. There are very little errors in this essay. One error that I saw was that you used the wrong noun phrase when referring to the plural form of graduate which is graduates. There is also a subject-verb agreement issue in the last paragraph when referring to the female graduates (was = were). Remember that you also need to be mindful of your word choices. Don't use complex words when simple references will suffice (indicating = showing).
Your presentation is riddled with grammatical errors and sentence structure problems. For starters, you seem to have a problem keeping count. You always start out with "Firstly", skip "Secondly", and go directly to "Thirdly" every single time you try to count out your discussion points. It would be best if you simply avoid counting altogether and just separate the discussion points by using a new paragraph for every topic you wish to discuss. The transition from paragraph to paragraph is a bit choppy. Use transition sentences at the end of paragraphs to create a smoother paragraph presentation for the reader from one paragraph to the next.
You created a contradiction in your introduction. In the first sentence, you claim that college education is important. Yet, in the first body paragraph, you say that college education is not important. So, which is it? You need to make sure that you do not present contradictory statements in your essay as it could actually harm your thesis sentence which is, you totally agree that it is impossible and not useful to provide university places for all young people. Your concluding paragraph totally changed the discussion topic from the original as well.
Original Topic: It is neither possible nor useful to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. Your Topic: ... the idea of pursuing university education for a high proportion of young people is completely unrealistic.
The concluding paragraph should only summarize the previous content, not create a totally different discussion topic.
Amy, the first paragraph should work as a summary of the content of the research/article you are reviewing. The purpose of the research and article, as in a thesis, should be made clear by the end of the first paragraph. I do not see that in this essay. As a peer review, you should also focus on questioning the paper that you read. You don't just keep on summarizing the content, restating it in every paragraph. You have to mention what you think is good or bad about the content as well. You have to pose an opinion for the writer so that improvements can be implemented in the revised version. As of now I am not sure if you are reviewing someone else's paper or if this is your research paper that you have us review. I am working on the assumption that this is someone else's paper that you are asking us to review. Either way, the observation works regardless of whether you are the writer or the reviewer.
The essay is too informal in presentation. Since you are writing an academic essay, you have to avoid placing any information in parenthesis. The parenthesis presentation makes the essay highly disconnected in paragraph and information presentation. You are writing this with such an informal tone that you have failed to present yourself as a strong academic and experience based candidate. Try to write a new essay. One that uses an academic tone, has a formal presentation, and connects the sentences and paragraphs with the use of transition phrases / sentences. Right now, your essay is jumping around without a clear line of presentation. You have to make sure that you develop a new essay. That will be easier than trying to edit the tone and content of this essay.
Try not to write more than 300 words for this essay. You will run out of time to proof read and edit your essay before submission. You time to make sure that you submit a perfect essay to the examiner. This is a direct question essay, do you agree or disagree? In the introduction, your last sentence should be a direct response to the question. You should say "I disagree with the given idea because..." That lays the foundation for the rest of the discussion of your essay which should be comprised of 2 supporting paragraphs. However, what you wrote are not reasons why these people would be unhappy. Rather, you are making a judgement call based on perceived actions. You are not making a comparison of money making them happy, you are simply calling them criminals in one of your paragraphs. That is not the point of the essay. People with money believe that money can buy happiness. So do people who don't have money, in some cases. So who is to say that the people with lots of money are not happy? That should have been the discussion consideration of your essay, not the actions of the people with money. The discussion should have been based on your personal perception of what makes a person, or you, happy. This is after all, a personal opinion essay.
Since this is a masters degree application, you can skip the family background since that is not required for masters course applicants. Your relationship with Korea in terms of being a foreign student who enrolled in their university will be helpful to your application. Proof of your proficiency in Hangul will also help so don't forget to attach that with your documents. A TOPIK certification will be highly advantageous to your application. What you can do in this essay is show how your career track has diversified from Psychology into Biology. You have to explain how your passion developed and the reasons why you believe that this career change will be good for you both personally and professionally.
There are several misuses of descriptive words in this essay. Instead of "place", the correct term is "position". When citing researched sources, you need to make sure to fully refer to the source instead of just "According to a university report in Canada..." Also, you should never refer to the driver's seat as a "sitting seat", that doesn't make any sense. In number 4, you should have combined the related information instead of placing number 4 two times. Also, it is not a "dock" car but a "dark" car. I have no idea what you mean by number 5. You can't let go of a car even if you want to. Did you mean to say , "Do not go over the speed limit"?
A recommendation letter from someone who knew you 6 years ago will not really strengthen your application. You have to get a more recent, no less than 2 years ago, if possible, endorsement for this application. The reason being that you have to prove 2 things, your ability to learn along with your productivity and drive as an employee. This letter is best written by an immediate supervisor in this instance as that person can attest to your ability to learn on the job, your drive, and your objectives for wishing to pursue higher studies. Those are the recommendation points that could help drive your application forward in the consideration process.
The essay works because it covers all aspects of the prompt presented. However, I would like you to focus more on your maturity as a person as evidence of your preparedness to attend college. That means, your parents confidence in you should go beyond merely not having to worry about your exam results. You have extra word count available to further highlight your maturity and sense of responsibility. Try to do that. You might also try to explain how you helped your team win the basketball tournament to show how you function as a team player aside from the sense of pride you get from the team accomplishment.
This essay is short by 2 words to meet the minimum word requirement. You will be scored down with points deductions for the lacking word count. The more words you lack, the greater the deductions. That miscalculation on your part alone will be enough to fail you this test. The images indicated are pie charts, not tables. Accuracy is the name of the game here. Learn the various images used in the test and make sure to use the proper image reference in your writing. You must also refrain from using informal word presentations such as "don't". This is an academic paper so keep the academic tone throughout. Also, remember that when using written year references, a hyphen must be used to indicate the connection between the words such as "one-year".
The explanatory essay that you have written will not get a passing score. It is only 99 words long. The requirement is at least 150 words for this essay. Therefore, the score will be an automatic fail. You have not written enough words to prove English comprehension, vocabulary, and writing skills that could qualify you for studies abroad. At this point, I cannot continue reviewing your essay because of the lack of word requirement. Try to write the same essay again. This time, make sure to meet the 150 word requirement. If you can, aim to write 175 words. That will be ample enough to assess your English comprehension, vocabulary, and writing skills.
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