Writing Feedback / The authority is expected to allocate more budget to railroads instead of motorways [3]

Yuu, since you are using various websites to study how to write the Task 2 essay, I will not change what you have learned about the formatting of the essay nor the way that you present it from those online sources. I do not want to confuse you when it comes to the learning process. I want you to write in the manner that is comfortable for you and reflects what you feel you have been taught by the online tutorials you so that you will not have to try to learn 2 writing styles. Instead, I will simply focus my advice on your grammar and related problems. That will still be helpful to you in the sense that you will learn why your scores might be low in the actual test.

In this essay, you showed a problem in your writing skill with regards to subject - verb disagreements. You wrote "... but they also helps to solve..." when the correct reference in this instance should have been "but they also help solve". Helps refers to action done in the third person present format of the word while help is the actual verb form.

You may also wish to consider building up your vocabulary of descriptive adjectives so that you can create better, more academic sounding essays. Rather than saying "an important role", use a higher vocabulary reference such as "a key role", "a significant role", or "a vital role", all of which help to heighten the impression of your vocabulary abilities with the examiner.

Personally, I would have liked to see you offer a direct response to this question rather than reminding the examiner that you are writing an essay. He already knows that. A simple response of "I strongly support this statement due to the importance of locomotion..." would have been clearer and more cohesive in terms of paragraph presentation. Then again, if you are writing based on the sample from the book, then just ignore my advice and focus on the grammar issues alone. I don't want to confuse you during your learning process.

Writing Feedback / Parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach adulthood [6]

Leaving the fact that you did not respond properly to the given task, which would result in an automatic score of 1 for the TA section, ensuring the failure of your essay, you also neglected to write the appropriate number of words for this task. You have written only 235 words out of the required 250. Therefore, the examiner will take one look at this essay, realize that it is under the word count, apply the correct word count penalty, and then review the remainder of the test. Based on the lack of word count plus your prompt deviation problem, there is no way that this essay will get a passing score. You failed to provide the 2 most important considerations; the minimum word count and a task responsive essay. Therefore, you cannot expect to pass the test.

It is easy to write more than 250 words, but it is difficult for you to clearly understand the TA requirements if you do not understand how to properly write the essay. Reading the sample essays at this forum and gathering information from the advice provided for that student should help you develop a clearer understanding of what the various Task 2 essay topics and writing requirements are and how to best approach the task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Nowadays people concentrated on their job decide to delay owning a child [3]

Annatha, this essay will get an automatic failing score because you have not written the minimum 250 words for the Task 2 test. It is a ground rule that the student must write more than 250 words to ensure that the essay will be scored on all 4 scoring levels. Remember, writing less than the required number of words will find you receiving a score penalty based on the lacking word count. Since the task will be considered incomplete, it will affect the remaining scores for the remaining criteria.

Why can't the remaining criteria allow you pass the test? Since there will also be errors in the essay based on your word usage, clarity problems, and GRA structures, each penalty will result in an increasing lower overall score for you. The highest you might possibly get is a 5, but with the missing word count, that is not an assurance.

Therefore, it is best to always write at least 260 words, just to make sure that you meet the word requirement. If you make sure to write 5 sentences per paragraph, you can be sure that you have at least met the 250 word requirement.

Graduate / Why would an accounting graduate suddenly choose to switch his career to computer science? SOP essay [3]

Whoops! You made a big mistake uploading this essay to Grammarly for editing. This essay is now a part of their database and will come out as flagged for plagiarism if the university runs this through a plagiarism check. It won't matter that you were the original author. The reviewer will be too busy to investigate the original authorship of the paper. That was a very bad idea. Read about how Grammarly steals your information and the ownership of your paper here:

essayscam.org/forum/gt/grammarly-review-user-content-ownership-licensing-6266/

You no longer own the content of your essay. The minute I read that you used that online database to correct the essay, I slapped my forehead in frustration. You need to write a new paper immediately. One that is not owned by Grammarly, just in case it comes up as plagiarized. Do not run it through Grammarly for editing and spell checking. Use the document editing software for that. MS Word does a pretty good job at that and it will not store you paper in a database for current, future, and perpetual use.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech. To be an architect that will leave a mark inspiring the current and future generations [4]

Joseph, you have written a very good response to the prompt. You don't need to edit anything with regards to your grammar presentation because this is not an English exam. Your presentation is alright, understandable, and properly written. The only problem it has is that you are over the word count. A problem that can easily be corrected by removing the first paragraph of the current version, starting the essay instead on the second paragraph. The second paragraph is more direct to the point and moves the essay along in a brisk manner. You should also revise the last paragraph. Remove the first 2 sentences. Expand the explanation of the last sentence though. Cut it up into individual sentences instead of one long sentence. You can discuss specific programs you look forward to participating in and why you believe the activity will be vital to your education and training as a future architect.

Undergraduate / AUB essay - invention that has a great impact on my life - common app [3]

Steven, the response you are giving is highly generic. It is the standard go to response that every student who will respond to this prompt will opt to present. As such, your response is not unique. It will not grab the reviewer's attention, nor will it make the response memorable. You need to think harder and not go for the obvious response. Think out of the box. The greatest invention could be something like a gadget, the possibility that cancer may soon be cured with a vaccine, or the creation of clothes that double as gadgets like the internet connected exercise suit. Think of an answer that you think will not be a standard response. You want your response to jump off the page and impress the reviewer. You need to find a response far more interesting than the invention of the internet if you want to make an impression on the reviewer.

If necessary, do some research about the latest medical discoveries, some unbelievable inventions (youtube can help with that), an idea that sounds intriguing (you could make that up and explain that it is a thought that you have always had and explain why it impacted your life), or anything of these sorts. Don't go for the standard response if you want to have a better chance of creating a more memorable and impressive statement.

Graduate / SOP - how the MSA fits into your near-term and long-term professional career goals. [2]

Nick, this is not a regular personal statement essay because the university has given you specific instructions about what your essay should inform he reader about. Unfortunately, you neglected to address these requirements in your essay. The only discussion the essay must contain is a description of your first year post graduation professional plans and then, a description of your 5 year career plan. The specifics should include how specific training and theoretical knowledge coming from your course completion will help you achieve that. This personal statement needs to focus on the reasons why you chose to attend this university instead of another university offering the same course. Discuss the specific requirements you had for your academic goals. Develop an explanation of your professional goals and how the university fits into that scenario. After you complete those explanations, you will be able to better describe your short and long term career goals. The direct advice I have for you is this, write a new essay that properly responds to the prompt because this version does not accomplish that task.

Undergraduate / Fashion School Admission Essay for FIDM; expectations, hobbies, interests, goals and aspiration [2]

Nai, the essay feels like it spins its wheels without going anywhere for the first few paragraphs. The direct responses to the questions don't actually kick in until the 5th paragraph. The whole essay actually avoids the first prompt question completely. You are going way too back in the past for your discussion. Don't start with the first grade. Go forward a bit, to high school. Keep the essay focused on responding to the prompt requirements only.

The essay is excessively long because of all the side stories that you have presented, which only serve to make the essay long, but not additionally informative. The only information that should be in this essay should be the direct responses to the questions being asked. So 3 questions = 3 paragraphs. No more than that. You may write a simple 5 paragraph essay just so you can properly open and conclude your presentation. It does not need to be this long because you don't have enough information in this to represent the 3 questions in a manner that the reviewer will be interested in reading.

The side stories constantly deviate the attention of the reader from the actual discussion points. You should avoid that so that the reviewer does not accidentally get bored to the point where he might find your response essay irrelevant. Try to write a more focused essay that clearly responds to the 3 questions. You can't lose when you simply state the facts, directly. The reviewer will appreciate that and will assure you that he will finish reading your essay presentation.

Graduate / "Original Thinking Applied" SOP for MSc Accounting in Manchester. [2]

Fabian, without knowing what the actual sop prompt requirements are, I can tell you that this paper is not going to work for the basic SOP purposes because your information, as presented, is more related to the personal statement aspect and motivational considerations. As such, the SOP is not appropriately stated in this essay. The SOP should be able to represent important details with regards to your undergraduate and professional training in relation to your chosen masters course.

In this instance, you would need to revise the whole essay and use certain parts of this essay in the new version. Paragraph 2 and 3 work well for the professional training requirements, but paragraph 1 is not necessary. I know that you want to integrate keywords from the objectives and mission of the university but throwing in the words, without actually relating it to you in an expanded manner does not work well. Instead, it appears that you are merely applying lip service to the presentation, hoping to impress the reviewer. My advice is, don't use the keywords. Instead, show the reviewer how you embody these characters. It is one thing to "imply" and another thing to "embody". It is the latter that you have to show, without trying too hard to present it.

Now, a standard SOP explains the following information in paragraph form:

Par. 1: The "purpose" of your advanced studies. Not to be confused with the motivation which is the "reason" for the study. The "purpose" explains what your end game is for the course of study.

Par. 2: An explanation of your academic achievements as an undergraduate. Include any relevant internships and awards you received as a student to lay the groundwork for your actual academic preparedness to complete the course.

Par. 3: Your current work experience and how it relates to your MS course choice. Include any continued education references such as profession related seminars and training programs. These will explain your professional development, goals, and requirements for advanced studies and training.

Par. 4: The reasons why you chose the university, base the explanation on your academic and professional learning goals and why this university can help you achieve these purposes. A simple study plan reference may also be included in this section. The study plan will show the reviewer how you plan to spend your time as a student at the university and convince him that you are serious about completing your MS course.

Par. 5: Explain the potential real world application of your studies in relation to your 5 year career plan. This should be the concluding part of the essay so make this portion as strong as possible with a convincing closing statement.

If your SOP comes with any specific prompt requirements, you will need to work it into the aforementioned paragraph presentations. That will help to increase the profile of your application and also create a more interesting presentation for your existing information.

Writing Feedback / Sharing freely information without caring the importance or value of it [3]

Alicia, you once again misunderstood the prompt discussion instructions. This is a 5 paragraph discussion essay that highlights 2 differing public opinions along with your personal opinion. The format is:

Par. 1: Paraphrased prompt
Par. 2: Public POV 1
Par. 3: Public POV 2
Par. 4: Personal opinion
Par. 5: Concluding summary

The instruction rephrasing should have been something like:

There is a need to fully understand the two opposing points of view through information presentation for each. This is important because, as a writer, I cannot build my personal opinion for presentation to the reader without it. That is why this essay will compare the opposing publicly supported reasons before I create a personal opinion.

Your opening paragraph presented this essay as a total personal point of view essay. Which means your response is only partially correct. You will only receive a score for the personal opinion section of the discussion instruction. That means you will fall under the minimum word count of 250 words. After the points are deducted for the short essay word count, then we add the deductions for the other errors, you will find it difficult to meet the minimum passing score for this test.

Always discuss the essay in the manner instructed in the original prompt. Use the correct reference phrases that clearly show you are discussing the public points of view first. You need to understand that reference words help your score because it clarifies the discussion points and references. I believe that I already explained how you can do that in your previous essay. Seeing this mistake repeated in this essay makes me feel disappointed and afraid for you. I can't even bring myself to review your other errors in this essay because you did not discuss the requirements in the expected manner. I would like to give you the opportunity to present a properly represented essay. That way I will be able to properly assess your writing strengths and weaknesses.

English comprehension skills and your ability to follow the instructions are very important for a person who wishes to study in an English academic environment. That is the very first thing that is scored in this test. When you don't properly repeat what the original discussion instructions are, which makes you discuss the essay in either the wrong or, as in this case, an incomplete manner, the examiner will not be confident that you have what it takes to survive in an English curriculum based learning facility.

Let's work on your comprehension skills first, then worry about the other parts later :-) I am sure you can do this.

Undergraduate / Global Ugrad - Making the difference in the education of students [7]

In my opinion, the whole essay does not work because you are not properly focusing in the requirement of the essay. You are being asked to describe what kind of community leader you are, what community you belong to, and what positive effects you have brought to your community. Who you were as a child and what your problems were then have no bearing on who you are now and how you become the person you are today. There is a very weak show of leadership, both in a community and academic setting being presented in this essay.

Please do not mention online gaming as an actual community in this essay because that is not considered an academic community nor a community that entails the development of your leadership skills. There is still a negative connotation to a "gamer" in an academic setting as most of them drop out to become e-sports participants instead. That is why it is better to not include this reference in this essay.

There are two areas of discussion you should strengthen in this presentation. The first, is the nursing home activity as that can be seen as a manner of community leadership development when presented in the proper context. The second, are the study groups that you led in college every semester. These two activities could very well indicate what sort of contribution you can make to the program and how your inclusion to the group could bring more than just diversity to the semester you hope to participate in.

I hope that you will try to write a new essay based upon the observations and guidance I have provided. You can still improve the presentation. You have a strong potential to do so.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Today, humans who are staying in big towns must be confronted with lots of challenge. [3]

Annatha, when you start a statement using the plural form, you should continue that throughout the sentence. You cannot start with the plural form then suddenly switch to the singular form as you did in the following sentence:

Adding more public transports with adequate facilities is one of the best solution for this issue...

Transports is the plural form of transport. Therefore the word "solution" should also be in plural form as in "solutions". Most specially since you use the plural form of the word "facility" in the sentence in the form of "facilities". Consistency is important in your presentation due to the GRA plus C&C considerations.

Be careful with your vocabulary choices. Breath is the process of breathing while breathe means to inhale and exhale. You need to be sure that you use the word with the correct meaning in your sentence. If you are unsure about the meaning, it would be best not to use the word, just to avoid lowering your LR score. Try to use an alternative word or explanation instead. There are some commonly confused words, such as the ones referred to here, that often cause those sorts of problems. Try to familiarize yourself with more English words, its variations, and word meaning. There is a difference between "growth" and grow.

Try to write with a sense of confidence in your paragraphs, Avoid starting your sentences with words that connote a sense of general opinion in your meaning. Use a topic sentence instead of a general reference term to kick off the sentence. It is important to simply state the facts rather than trying to present word fillers like "Generally" to present your discussion. You also lack transition sentences that help to move your essay clearly from one topic to another. Try to keep your discussions within the 3-5 sentences per paragraph format.

You have a long way to go when it comes to clearly discussing your reasoning paragraphs. As a beginner, I can see that you have the potential to properly discuss your future essays. You can start by using one topic per sentence, then work your way up to using transition phrases to help you connect 2 related topics in one discussion, then finally, learn how to apply transition sentences at the end of your paragraphs to further boost your GRA skills and scoring.

Read the samples here. You will learn a lot about how to improve based on the mistakes of others and the advice they have received. You can apply the advice to your own writing exercises and see an immediate improvement in your writing skill. Don't give up. You can do this. I have faith in you.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] The animals are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. [3]

Al, you cannot write such a research heavy essay for a Task 2 topic. There is not going to be any internet connection at the testing center. You are also taking a pen and paper test. Both of which eliminate the possibility of you being able use references for your opinion essay. You must always use your personal opinion and knowledge for the discussions. While this essay is impressive in terms of data, this is not an essay that you will be able to write during an actual test. Therefore, I cannot say that you would be able to write an essay that can pass the test. Not when you use data and information that obviously come from research sources.

You are not going to be graded in the accuracy of your data. You are being graded on your ability to explain your personal opinion in English, within 3-5 sentences. You will get a good grade even if you use only basic information as you know it for writing the essay. Don't make up information though. Just discuss as you would using the limited knowledge that you have. It is the English language use that is graded heavily. The clarity and coherence of your discussion is more important than the research information you can provide. Any information you provide for the essay will score better if the examiner can clearly see that it comes from your understanding of the topic.

I am not saying you wrote a bad essay, I am saying that you wrote the essay in the wrong manner. I will withhold advice regarding content and grammar problems until your next essay, which I hope will be based on your personal knowledge instead of researched information. That is because I want to make sure that you get useful advice regarding how to improve your work. Since you did not really follow the writing instructions this time, I should give you another chance to prove your writing skills in the proper manner.

Undergraduate / My drive to always learn something new and be the best version of myself that I can be; UBC essay [2]

Jason, the essay isn't cocky at all. It sounds like it was written by a level headed person who knew exactly what he wanted to say. The problem is that you used the first person description of yourself in an essay that requires a secondary point of view from 3 persons. The reviewer is looking for descriptions coming from your parents and other people you interact with in the community aside from your friends. Consider revising the essay to remove your self analysis and write 2 paragraphs in relation to your parents understanding of who you are and how your community members see you. The community members can be a a religious authority, a teacher, a sports activity leader, or even the members of a volunteer group you work with. What's important is that you offer at least 3 different descriptions or one common description of who you are. Then base what you are most proud of about yourself on the strongest description that was provided regarding who you are. It could be a character trait, a talent or skill, or something unique that these people admire about you. Then you can use the first person reference to discuss why you are most proud of being known by people that way.

Graduate / I LOVE SOLVING THE PROBLEMS VIA QUANTIFYING IN FORM OF MATH BUT NOT SOLVING MATH [2]

@duynghi your essay is over informative and has lost focus work regards to what a letter of intent contains. For this letter, you must only provide the factors that informed your decision to pursue an Actuarial Science Masters degree. The reasons or intent must be related to your current professional requirements and a desire to improve your skills in relation to your professional goals as related to an office promotion, change in career path, or an interest in advancing your skills. You have to remember that you will also be writing a statement of purpose and / or a study plan, both of which will better suit most of the discussion you have presented here. All you have to do for a letter of intent is write a 5 paragraph essay that reflects the reason for your interest in the course and your professional goals. The academic discussion is better presented within the statement of purpose. You could use the current paragraphs 2 and 3 as the opening and second paragraph for your revised essay. Just make sure to adjust the content when you do that. Don't worry about your grammar for now. Finalize the intent first then edit the grammar after.

Research Papers / Why Should Employers be Required to Provide Rest and Meal Breaks? [2]

Alicia, your essay has too much theoretical presentation and cited paraphrasing but not enough factual data presented. Convincing any reader will require numerical evidence to c support the claims being made in your research. Indicating the percentage of work results based on a comparison year to year chart can help illustrate the benefit of regular work breaks. At the moment, you are presenting theoretical discussions and citations from experts but you lack numerical data to back up your claims. You can do a comparison of work force data related to the effectiveness of break times in the workplace over 5 or 10 continuous years.

You should come workplace accidents and it's rated a period of time to help defend the reasons why employees need to take regular breaks as well. Right now, the research seems to be saying the same thing repeatedly using different sources. Consider adding more relevant research to the paper based on my content suggestions above. Those added information should help you create a more definitive research paper on terms of relevant content.

Undergraduate / "Understanding the heart of another"- Dartmouth college supplement [3]

Sharon, rather than trying to apply the prompt to the world around you, try to apply it to yourself instead. While you do sound wise when discussing it as it applies to others, they are not the interest point of the essay. The interest point is yourself. You are the applicant after all. So focus on using the quote as it applies to who you are, how you communicate with others, or any instance when the quote seems to have applied in a useful manner to a situation you had previously found yourself in. You show an ability to portray the image of a woman wise beyond her years when it comes to the point of view of observing other people. Now apply it to yourself to help the reviewer understand who you are in the context of the prompt that was provided. The reviewer will then get to understand how you interact with others and how you make friends or could be helpful in creating a friendly and open minded student community at the university.

Undergraduate / FIT portfolio essay evaluating how I take criticism [3]

Airianna, the essay is good, but lacks an initial reaction response regarding the very moment that your piccolo playing was not perfect. It Is that instant and instinctive reaction that would give this essay more life. That would allow the reviewer to understand the way that you handle rejection, and how you protect yourself from it. The essay that you wrote is too studied, to clean, too much the depiction of a perfect student. That is a studied and carefully calculated response that, although we all know the reviewer would appreciate reading, isn't the reality of the situation.

The response needs to show your initial feelings and response. Was it anger? Was it embarrassment? Did you question the critique? Did you try tor reason out? Or did you lick your wounds, go home for a good cry and then work on getting better at your craft? Show your human side, not the side that you know the reviewer would like to read about. Remember, he is assessing you through this written interview. Be honest, give the essay life. Don't be a one dimensional character when the situation obviously calls for a 3 dimensional response.

The reviewer will not take it against you if you had an initial angry reaction. It would help him understand how well you channel your anger or disappointment towards your self-improvement. Bring the essay to life with characterizations. Bring your distinctive nature to the front to help the reviewer understand who you are emotionally and how you handle disappointment and critiques.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Social media and sharing personal information on different websites does have risks [2]

Mohammed, please read up on the use of subject sentences in Task 2 presentations. Try to avoid using memorized opening phrases like "on the one/other hand" because those are used as a teaching tool, but the student should have shown a progression from that tutoring tool used in class by the time the exam itself comes around. Using topic sentences will be better for your GRA than the memorized tutorial phrases.

Watch out for your errors in capitalization and punctuation which can lower your GRA score. In the opening paraphrase, you said that you accept the dangerous effect then ended the sentence with a period. The correct punctuation mark would have been a comma to connect the two different topics in one sentence presentation. You also capitalized the word email in the second paragraph when that should have been written in lower case.

Your second paragraph leaves the psychological explanation under developed in terms of discussion and explanation. That is because a majority of the 5 sentence paragraph was used for the security explanation. When you want to use 2 topics for one paragraph, balance it out by using only 2 sentences each for the actual topic, then using a mid-sentence transition to relate the two discussion points before discussing the new topic.

The concluding summary is incomplete. It lacks a proper summation of the discussion topic and discussion points before the presentation of your opinion as the closing statement of the essay.

Writing Feedback / As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and TV, people do less physical activity [2]

This is a measurement based opinion essay. As such, the prompt clearly requires you to use only one point of view for the whole essay discussion. That means discussing only one opinion, based on 2 supporting reasons throughout the essay. The format will be:

Par. 1 - Paraphrase and extent response
Par. 2 - Supporting reason 1
Par. 3 - Supporting reason 2
Par. 4 - Concluding summary

The approach you took to discussing the essay does not properly respond to the prompt. You created a prompt deviation, in your response within the paraphrase section that totally altered the discussion format and requirements:

Original Question: to what extent do you agree or disagree?
Incorrect Response (Yours) : I do believe that technology devices could bring more benefits to people.
Correct Response: I partially disagree with the given statement for two reasons.

This is not a belief essay. This is an agree/disagree essay. You are being asked to support or not support a given argument. Since you are discussing your beliefs, you are not responding to the task accurately, That would lead to a TA score of 1, since your response is completely unrelated to the task. Once you fail the TA section, it is impossible to get a passing score based on the remaining requirements.

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement - The Steppe Bison [3]

Ryan, you sound really surprise in the essay, but you are not clearly explaining why. So you will need to better explain why the view of the Steppe Bison left you surprised. Based on your description, you should be explaining how historical artifacts are amazingly preserved by nature. Then from that point, continue to explain why this revelation proceeded to either unsettle or challenge you, leading you to do further research, ending up with your chosen major. To reduce the word count, you could try to shorten your first paragraph. Just give a pointed response by opening with your seeing the Steppe Bison at the museum. You don't really need too creative openings for these direct prompt essays. You just need to provide a clear response because of the limited word count. Expand on your explanation and revise certain parts (of your choosing) to better suit the word requirements. Pick either the Steppe Bison or history aspect to discuss. Don't try to do both. When you tried it in this essay you caused a confusing presentation that does not have any connection between the two topics. Though both are historical in certain aspects, the first one, the history of ancient animals and its evolution into the modern counterpart ( a suggested discussion topic for this essay) is far better than the evolution of man through historical context.

Writing Feedback / Asking for a letter of reference to apply for a job [3]

Swetha, when writing to your teacher, you must remember to show respect for the position of the educator at all times. You must also thank the teacher for the time that was spent teaching you a particular subject. Explain to the teacher why you chose him or her to write the letter of recommendation. The explanation should include any relevant reference to why the job is important to you. A reminder of how you performed in the teacher's class will be of benefit in refreshing the memory of the educator and add to the details that might be included in the recommendation letter.

Your current letter is rudely formatted. It is disrespectful of the teacher and does not explain how the recommendation letter will be helpful in a manner that implores the help of your teacher. This letter comes across as a demand letter that does not consider the position of respect, nor show respect to the educator. Your letter makes it sound like the teacher owes you this recommendation letter for no reason.

Request for an audience with the teacher before the letter is written so as to thresh out the details of the letter. Most importantly, format the letter as one of a formal letter, this is not a lengthy text message or facebook message. Format it accordingly, based on the position of authority of the person you are writing to.

Scholarship / Personal statement for Tourism Development and Culture Erasmus Joint Masters Degree [3]

Mariana, your essay is more of a creative writing piece than it is a statement of purpose for Erasmus Mundus. You need to revise the first half of your essay with regards to your architectural education and experience in relation to the Tourism Development and Culture course you wish to study. I do not see your educational and professional background as being too far in concept and implementation aspects from your chosen major. What I do see, is that you deviated totally from the prompt presentation requirements, which is why this is a very long and creative, but little relevant in terms of information, statement of purpose.

Try to think about your academic years as an undergraduate. What courses do you believe have a relationship with the objectives of the tourist development and culture course? If you can somehow manage to relate one or two subjects from your undergraduate course, perhaps courses related to modern design or architectural preservation, then you will have responded well to the first prompt.

You are not highlighting any sort of continuous training as required by prompt 2 so your essay becomes extremely weak in that aspect. Without proof of continuous training in fields that will somehow manage to relate to your chosen course, as I am instructing you to do with your undergraduate studies, then you will have a problem when it comes to comparisons with other candidates who have stronger continuing education skills in relevant fields.

You can use your current professional experience as an architect to explain why you are a good candidate for the course. However, you should highlight the tourism aspect of the design application. the way that you implemented the project should help to increase your reasoning as to why you will make a good candidate for the scholarship.

Aim to write a totally new essay that is more prompt responsive, informative, and relevant in presentation. Avoid over explaining, do not write a short story, just be direct to the point with your information. Explain and show, do not story tell.

Undergraduate / I co-founded Muniversiti, a non-profit organization with the purpose of galvanizing the youth [3]

Since the website for Muniversiti has been suspended, you should not use this as the reference point for your discussion. Once the internet search / vetting is done and the account suspension comes up for the website, your claims will come into question. it is best to use only verifiable and unquestionable information for this presentation. Remember, everything you claim to do, or be a part of, as well as your position in such organizations will be vetted. To avoid any question as to the accuracy of your claims, do not leave anything to chance.

Don't use a reference that comes up as "account suspended" when the internet search is done. An internet search will be done because you claim that it is a "non-profit organization" and therefore, more information about Muniversiti and your participation in it will be required by the reviewer. Try to use another extra curricular activity or work experience for this presentation. One that, should an internet search be done, comes up with a positive image of your claims.

The reviewer is concerned about the validity of your claims. Which is why you should avoid any instance of question in your essay. Since the internet is the default verification place these days, seeing an "account suspended" notice with the URL for this organization will not help to move your application forward, it might bring it into question though. I am sure you have another reference point for your extracurricular activity or work experience that will be just as impressive.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. [3]

Doung, you turned this into a personal response essay by the way that you structured your opening paraphrase. You were supposed to indicate that the instructions require you to base your personal opinion on an understanding of the discussion regarding the two points of view. The instruction does not instruct you to discuss only your point of view for both discussion points. When you see a reference to "Some people" and "others", these refer to a public opinion presentation and should be framed / discussed with such references being made in your instruction paraphrase and reasoning paragraphs. In this case, you need to explain why the 2 public opinions exist and then make a supporting statement for one of the two sides provided for the discussion.

Based on this mistake, your essay may find it difficult to get a passing score because it does not approach the discussion appropriately. As you are merely discussing your personal opinion throughout, the essay will only be partially compliant with the task requirements. It will then lack the appropriate 250 minimum word count and thus, lose its chance to get a passing score due to the word count deductions that will be applied to the work and the other deductions pertaining to LR, C&C, as well as GRA scores.

Always identify the side being spoken of in the paragraph by clearly indicating it in the topic sentence, which is the first sentence for every paragraph so that you can clearly represent whose opinion is being discussed and in the process, increase your scoring chances in terms of GRA considerations. Rather than saying "On the one hand" say "The public perception is that people should be allowed to make noise because..." For the next paragraph you could say "As for reducing the amount of noise made, there are groups that support laws reducing noise because..."

Identify the topic, identify the speaker, all within the first sentence of each paragraph. It helps to represent the prompt discussion requirements and also allows for a clearer discussion presentation. That way, you do not accidentally change the discussion from public and personal points of view to just a personal point of view of the two arguments. Remember this is a 3 reasoning paragraph essay based on the prompt instructions. You only wrote 2 reasoning paragraphs. That shows a clear misunderstanding of how to discuss the given prompt.

Undergraduate / Global UGRAD program - a different culture experience, interchanging ideas, products, and influence [4]

Noor, you are not proving to a youth community leader with this essay. The focus of this essay is more on how you manage to function and achieve in activities that require only your participation in it. You do not involve anyone else nor show any participation group community activities. This essay effectively showcases how you are an introvert rather than an extrovert who helps his community. You need to show how you are the latter, the extrovert who functions well in a group setting. A person who participates in local community activities in order to help with its improvement. This should not come across as a letter to a visa officer in terms of content, but since it does, then put a pin in this essay and use it as your study plan letter with adjustments instead.

For now, you should write a new essay that highlights your abilities as a youth community leader instead. This can include extra curricular activities at school, volunteer activities within the coverage of your hobbies and interests, or civic duties related to community improvement. Based on any of those activities, you should be able to connect your skills and talents with the reasons as to why you would be an excellent participant in the program. You need to highlight what positive contributions to make, should you become a participant.

Writing Feedback / The table reveals the threefold of national consumer expenditure category [2]

Quoc, unfortunately, the Task 1 essay requires a minimum of 150 words for the presentation. Since you only wrote 136 words, the essay will get an automatic failing score. If you do not write the minimum number of words, the lacking word count will be deducted from your TA score and result in a failing score for that section. Thus preventing you from achieving a passing score with the remaining 3 scoring basis. Kindly remember to write at least 150 words next time to get full scoring considerations for your work. Writing less than that number automatically indicates a lack of analysis and reporting skills on the writer's part, which is what is being observed and scored in this essay task.

The presentation would have achieved the higher word count have you dedicated one paragraph for every criteria listed in the chart for comparison purposes. You are not to summarize the information in the essay, but rather, analyze how the data for each category represents each country (with comparisons where required) for the proper assessment of the highs and lows of each category. Notice that there are 3 data comparison sections indicated, which would have resulted in the 3 paragraph comparison for the essay, allowing you to present the maximum 4 paragraph essay in the process. As it is, your essay is missing one paragraph. You could have created that paragraph in any manner that you saw fit for the presentation. The problem is that you neglected to do that. Hence the short word / discussion presentation as well.

Undergraduate / A seemingly impossible obstacle can become one's biggest asset; Amherst essay [2]

Anant, there is a lack of backstory to this essay that prevents the reader from understanding the full importance of the tale that you just told. If you can provide the reasons to why you did not grow up speaking your mother tongue and why you were away from your mother country for so long, the essay may become clearer in terms of logic and reasoning to the reader.

Now, one of my main concerns with this essay is that you are using English vocabulary which is not applicable to the situations you are describing (shifted = moved). I am not sure what you mean by "pushed to the wall forever". Why would you gloat about your achievement to people who were already applauding you? That is not nice to do. You are misusing the reference words and sentence development structures for this essay. I am afraid you need professional help for the editing part of this work, after you add the backstory that describes the importance of this achievement in relation to the given prompt.

The subject matter is on track. It is the presentation that is faulty so that is what you have to focus on improving with your next essay draft. Explain why you were so behind language wise, describe the reasons why you felt you needed to learn the language and learn it fast, why did you believe that this difficulty was something you would overcome in terms of despair and defeat, and then explain how you felt when you overcame what seemed like an insurmountable obstacle. You must accomplish these explanations in your revision to give the essay a clearer direction, proper reference points for the reader, and a solid conclusion when considering the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / The Experimental Class. Tell about the important place, or places, you call home. [3]

Jian, what is your place in this community? You have not made that clear. Rather than coming across as a participant, you came across as an observer in the field. Talking about others and their abilities and accomplishments rather than discussing how they relate to you directly. The "community" discussion is focused too much on the other members of the group rather than focused on how the group functions well because of your presence in it. There needs to be a balance of roles and information in the essay. Discuss less about the accomplishments of the others and instead, talk about how you make them look better because that is how a community works. You make them appear to be better than they truly are rather than the other way around.

I would like to have you remove the reference to "My Math score improvement significantly" because you indicated earlier that only the best and the brightest students can join the class. Yet that reference makes it appear that you are inferior to the others. Either rephrase that reference or take it out because it contradicts your earlier statements.

Go beyond just the learning experience with this group and your realization about what scores mean and whether it matters or not. This is supposed to show reasons why this community is important to you. So, beyond the academic side, were you friends with these students? How did you bond with them? Would you consider them an extension of your true family? If so, why?

You have 250 words to develop this essay with. I suggest that you do so by writing a more relevant essay that better responds to the implied prompt requirements. Use the guide questions I have given you to help you better discuss the importance of this group as a community in your life.

Graduate / Personal Statement of Data Science master program in data analytics [2]

Li, the last 3 paragraphs of your current essay fall directly within the requirements of a personal statement that highlights how your interest in data science developed and evolved. A personal statement looks more at the evolution of an interest rather than the skills and academic training received, those two belonging to the statement of purpose instead. So you should adjust the content of the last 3 paragraphs to lessen the academic learning and skills development references and instead, use a reference to how your interests heightened due to the workplace setting you were involved in.

There is also a missing reference to the reason that you chose to attend a specific university. Since the personal statement is not a "one size fits all" university essay, you need to create the impression that you have thoroughly considered your academic needs in relation to your professional development, which is why you chose a specific academic setting within the university. That is usually the last part of the personal statement that helps to give the reviewer an idea of what your academic expectations are and, if you have considered the demands of a masters course on your time and lifestyle.

Revise the essay as instructed and then we can revisit the content for relevance and proper application to the prompt expectations. If you have a list of specific questions from the university to respond to, please make sure to review your essay for prompt responsiveness and add any missing information based on the list. Once you post your revised essay, please include those instructions or questions as well for my reference.

Undergraduate / "Without any Expectations"- Motivational Statement Essay for Peace Corps Application [4]

While there are grammatical errors and sentence structure issues with your writing, the fact that I am asking you to revise the presentation negates the problems in your writing skills. You should only worry about the grammar issues of your presentation once you have completed your final draft. Once the content is correct, you can begin revising the essay in terms of grammar issues and final presentation formatting. If you have not gotten to that point yet, which you haven't, then asking me about the writing problem of your essay is useless. Write your revised essay first, then have it reviewed here, if I approve it, then you can work on correcting the presentation aspect of your essay.

Don't worry about the grammar problems for now. Focus only on improving the content based on the issues I pointed out. Without improving your content, your essay will not be strong enough to compete amongst the other essays presented by better equipped and experienced applicants. Don't confuse yourself, the grammar issues are not the priority for your essay development at this moment.

Undergraduate / "Don't limit your challenges, challenge your limits" - My reason for choosing Waterloo [3]

Ruben, this is a very vague statement response to a question that requires specifics. The quote is totally unnecessary as it does not relate to Waterloo in any way. So you can remove the quote. It doesn't help move the essay forward. If you are passionate about receiving a double major in economics and computer science, then you should explain your educational goals in a manner that connects the two majors and represents a way that only the curriculum presentation and learning programs offered by Waterloo can accommodate. Be specific about the academic goals and why Waterloo is the best choice for you. These could be related to the subjects or the training opportunities the university will allow you to experience.

Your current essay does not work in terms of delivering useful information for the consideration of the reviewer. This statement sounds more like a non-response rather than a true response to the given prompt. I don't advise you to use this statement for the prompt. It isn't going to deliver any information that the reviewer can use in considering your application.

Writing Feedback / If you had to spend a year in either past or future, which year would you travel to and why? [2]

Kartik, first of all, remove the "we" and references to time travel with your girlfriend. The reviewer wants only character in this essay, YOU. Don't include additional characters because you are writing an academic essay, not a creative short story. Next, forget creating any time travel rules of your own. This is just a simple essay that you are trying to over complicate in the hopes if impressing the reviewer who only wants you to answer a short question, "How would you spend one year of your life in the past? What year would that be? How would you spend your time enjoying that magical moment?" This is not about changing the past nor rewriting history. This is not about an extended date night with your girlfriend. This is one essay that violates all of the rules of common app essay writing. This is an essay that the reviewer will not finish reading and will not help your application because of how you wrote it.

Write a new essay that deals with one specific moment in history, why you are interested in it and what you would do as a participant (without changing the course of events and history). No Game of Thrones, no change of cannon rules, no time travel theories, just a straightforward, interesting representation of what interests you about the history of man and why you believe that is a pivotal moment in the development of mankind that people should think of revisiting at present.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2: Throwaway culture reasons and consequences [2]

Mohammed, your prompt paraphrase is too close to the original one to be considered a personal version of the original prompt. You are even using specific phrases from the original prompt in your presentation, which shows a limited English vocabulary on your part and an inability to use alternate words for the presentation. A better rephrasing of the prompt would be as follows:

People these days tend to have disposable items at their fingertips. The tendency is for the items to be thrown away even if it has only been used for a limited amount of time or a few uses. This can be attributed to three reasons; increased availability of products at cheap prices, competition among manufacturers, and advertising pushes for these items. All of which can lead to potential environmental problems such as eco-system damage and various types of unrecyclable materials.

As a direct question essay, you must represent or outline your discussion reasons within the last sentence or response sentence within the prompt paraphrase. That way you immediately outline the upcoming discussion for the reader. Had you presented the paraphrase in the above manner, you would have been able to present a strong 3 paragraph reasoning line, which would have pushed your score higher in the end. The results of the reasons should also be indicated in a strong manner within the paraphrase.

Learn to use proper transition sentences within your paragraph in order to connect the 3 reasons within a single paragraph. Keep in mind though that you have a 3-5 sentence requirement for each paragraph. Since you cannot discuss all 3 reasons in one paragraph in a coherent and cohesive manner, you will need to divide the presentation into related discussions (for transition sentence use) and then create a strong final transition sentence per paragraph to introduce the next topic. With 3 reasons, you can discuss 2 in one paragraph then transition to the third reasoning paragraph, from where you will transition into the drawbacks paragraph, resulting in a completely developed 3 reasoning paragraph discussion.

Your drawbacks paragraph is inconsistent and confusing in presentation because it is only providing discussion points, but no actual discussion development with proper reasoning, examples, and supporting statements. Using 2 connected drawbacks (using transition sentences), would have allowed you to do that.

Writing Feedback / The only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel/work in a foreign country [3]

Nguyen, the essay is asking you to discuss both points of public view before you write your personal opinion. However, in the prompt paraphrase, you make it appear that the instruction is only asking you to discuss your personal opinion of the given topic. Your essay will then appear to be tangential in response and be scored with a failing score because you are not discussing the topic in the required method and also, word points will be deducted for the missing references to the public discussion. The public discussion represented by the reference phrases "Some people" and "Others say". So there are 3 discussion points for this 5 paragraph presentation.

To find out what the required discussion method is, you have to first, learn how the proper instruction paraphrase should have been presented. It should have been reflected as:

There are humans who like to travel and as such, learn the language of the country they are going to so they can communicate with the locals. The other group, believes that there are more than just travel reasons to learn a new language. After carefully considering both public points of view, I hope to come up with a better understanding of the topic so I can present my own point of view regarding it.

Tourists believe that learning the language of the country will... While this is a valid reason, other consider travel only one of the reasons to learn a language.

Take for example linguists. The job of this person is to learn languages. A linguist does this because... Owing to that reason, one can understand how learning languages goes beyond travel.

After careful consideration of each reason, my belief is that...

Considering.... In the end, the clear understanding is that...

Do you see the difference between the two presentations? Based on the format above, the mistakes you made become self-explanatory. You can understand why your essay cannot be scored the same as if it had been presented in the format above. You also went over the maximum sentence presentation count per paragraph, which carries a minimum of 3 sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences per presentation. Since this is your first posting here, I will not score this paper nor point out the GRA mistakes. I want you to focus on better understanding the required discussion presentations instead. Review the examples available at this forum to help you become more familiar with the discussion types and how to present the discussions.

Writing Feedback / A common belief that unpaid community services should be made compulsory for high schoolers. [3]

You misunderstood the prompt requirement. The discussion instruction asks you to respond to the question "To what extent do you agree or disagree with the given statement?". The response that you wrote speaks of your "belief" regarding compulsory community service. Those are two different responses based on 2 different prompt requirements. Therefore, your prompt paraphrase will result in a failing score for the TA section of your paper, which means the addition of your GRA and C&C problems will result in an overall failing score for your work. Once you make a mistake with the TA representation, there is no way the essay can receive a passing score. Based on this mistake, I will not review the rest of the problems with your essay because this essay has already failed the test.

It would have been alright for you to use the term "believe" in the response sentence, provided that you had added a measurement of response to it. Some samples of these are ; "I totally believe that community service should not be compulsory..." or " I am of the belief that a total implementation of a compulsory community service..." When done in the method that still reflects the measured response requirement, your essay comes across as prompt responsive instead of prompt deviant.

Graduate / Personal Statement for CS in GRA program; MSc Computer Science [2]

Tian, what you have written is a statement of purpose, not a personal statement. The personal statement highlights your current work experience and the development of your advanced interest in the field. The purpose of the personal statement is to indicate the necessity of the advanced studies in your profession. At the moment, you are discussing the development of your skills, pertinent education, and work experience. These are required information for a statement of purpose. The personal statement should be aimed at convincing the reviewer that you have developed the mental maturity to undertake the course you have decided to enroll in. This is done by depicting your current duties, shortcomings, and strengths that you believe will help you become a successful student in this field.

More importantly, you must discuss your academic goals in relation to your choice of university and how the university you have chosen will answer your need for academic enlightenment. At the moment, your presentation of those reasons are too shallow and reflect that you have not really considered all of the university abilities to train you and how you plan on using the offering to further hone your skills and talents. Merely implying it is not enough. You need to be as specific as you can to convince the reviewer that you understand the demands of the course and that you fully intend to complete the course requirements to prepare for your professional future. You can keep this current essay for proper editing into a statement of purpose while you write a more applicable personal statement.

I am not sure if you were given a series of instructions for your personal statement discussion points and pertinent information presentation as you did not share any here. If you have a set of instructions, make sure that you are following the instructions to the letter and that you are not deviating from any required presentations. If you are, then fix those problems in your revised presentation.

Research Papers / Mandatory Health or Individual Rights: Compulsory Vaccination in Society [2]

Jil,, I think that you can still clarify what the thesis statement of your essay is. Will this essay be a simple presentation of information? Perhaps it will do a comparative discussion between vaccinated and non-vaccinated people? Or maybe it is aimed at convincing people to get vaccinated? You need to create a real aim for the paper in the first paragraph instead of merely providing a discussion that does not give the essay a discussion direction.

If you opt to do a comparative discussion offering discussions that alternate between vaccine and non-vaccine supporting reasons, the essay will be able to inform the reader in a manner that educates them regarding both sides. By the end of the discussion presentation, the reader should be able to come to their own conclusion based upon the information you shared. Doing the comparative form of discussion will also help your essay become stronger and allow you to utilize better transitions within the presentation. By comparing the discussion points, the essay will also come across as better organized. You just have to prioritize the discussion points from most important to least important. At the moment, the essay tends to stray in discussion presentation because you fully discuss one side in the beginning then another side towards the end. You lose the relatable information and comparison discussion points in the process, thus leaving the reader confused about the whole point of the discussion.

Undergraduate / Devoting to communities - I need advice for my SOP for UGRAD Program [2]

Thao, the slant of your discussion is incorrect. Since the program is looking for participants who are known as community leaders or are dedicated to helping the community, you should be presenting your essay in a manner that supports that objective. You must discuss your current community service participation and then align the participation with reasons that would make you a strong UGrad participant.

Do a comparison discussion. Think of your strengths as a community leader or civic minded member of the community. What makes you a good member of your community? How does that translate into your potential as a UGrad participant? Think of how your community participation can translate into a skill, talent, or diverse participation as a member of the program? What is unique about you? How will that add to the UGrad experience not only for you, but the other participants as well?

The community element is missing in the overall presentation that you made. It is not aligned with the prompt expectations and requirements. You must adjust your presentation to suit the needs of the application essay. Write a new one instead of trying to edit this essay to make it work for the prompt. It will make everything a lot easier for you to accomplish.

Scholarship / Potential contribution that you'll make to international development if you're awarded a scholarship [4]

What I meant to say was that with the collection of proper taxes from local businesses, Nigeria can increase their income. Tax collection is the major way that almost all countries collect revenue from businesses. Therefore, by collecting local taxes, and placing a higher tax on foreign businesses coming into the country, Nigeria will be able to increase its government income. The increase in government income through tax collection will be the main form of government income that will be able to plug the hole created by the decrease in oil production and oil sales.

You said Nigeria did not look to other avenues for income creation so the tax market was not fully developed. I was merely pointing out the areas of tax collection that could be further developed in that statement. You don't have to use that statement which I gave as an example. That would be plagiarism if your paper is scanned and my version comes up in the search. You have to come up with your own explanation of that sentence based on the expanded explanation I have just given you.