Essays / IELTS Writing "agree and disagree" [12]

One good thing might be to play with this.... babelfish.yahoo.com

Paste in material from everywhere, and read it aloud. Speak the words out loud as you learn. Never try to learn language quietly... you have to speak the words and hear them, and feel the mouth forming them... in order to engage all the senses.

It is also great to have a conversation about it with someone in English.

Undergraduate / Hard work and persistent efforts will pay off [4]

...keep trying until I find success.

...how to manage my time due to the fact that academic studies and workouts with my coach are both important to me.

The persistence and strong determination I have learned from them have shaped my positive attitude about my future. ----excellent!!

Honestly speaking, my parents and my coach are very proud of what I have achieved by engaging in figure skating; however, I realize that figure skating has been part of my life and the root happiness of my life.

You write very clearly; even though there are some errors, it is easy to understand and appreciate.

You should add one more sentence to that first paragraph... a sentence that tells them something you really want them to know about your intentions for applying that persistence and strong determination as a student in these next few years.

Undergraduate / "Salvation" - Prompt #2 of the personal statement essay for UC Applications [4]

Here is a part where you should be more specific: ...was my love for helping others.

The power of the whole essay can be increased at that spot, because you can sharpen the focus in that sentence.

Actually, though, you have a great kind of balance in this essay, with a sort o figured out that you fit with this long line of physicians... excellent.

...all with their own unique stories about the processes that led them toward their love for the practice -- stories like the one that is being written for me now. what I now fully understand and experienced on my own.

Undergraduate / 'Enough Is As Good As A Feast' - Common App Essay-An Important Person, a student of mine [6]

She also loved telling me interesting things, but she never finished them, because she could hold back her laughter. A happy and content little girl, she astonished me when she told me that he r father died years ago and that her mother is the only support in the whole family.

Lying in my bed that night, I suddenly realized that it indeed was shameful for me to have kept demanding all these years. ..-------> oh, the rest of this paragraph is so touching and truthful. I think you should not change that paragraph at all!

The quickest way to improve this essay is to add a great thesis sentence near the beginning. Let the reader know that this piece of writing is about appreciation.

Undergraduate / How my environment shaped my dreams to be a dentist [4]

Much of your writing reflects a very clear, sensible way of thinking. Some of it is very unique, but not incorrect. Here is one correction, though:

Their parents taught them to be independent and disciplined ever since they were born so that they could grow up to be successful people.

After I read your first para, I understand what you mean, and it makes me wish you would say the truth behind the experience instead of just describing the events: Suffering was meaningful for your parents, because they gave you opportunities, and you know this. You appreciate their sacrifices, and you want to succeed in school because of the passion that results from this knowledge.

You could tell about your parents' struggles in one beautiful sentence, and then use the rest of the paragraph to talk about how it makes you feel appreciative and inspired to succeed.

Oh, good, it is nice that you want to learn Orthodontics. At the end of the essay, you can refer back the beginning by mentioning something about wanting to earn the success that your parents struggled to make possible.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]

You are a modifier addict.. an adverb adjective addict. I want to do an intervention for you...
First, I was thinking yesterday that copious is a bad word... but I don't know why! Maybe it is just my prejudice. I should not tell you to change your essay based on my prejudice. But today I looked at it again and it still seems wrong, like a big word thrown in to be impressive. Nobody uses that word in real life.

:-)

And the other modifiers...
Advanced placement physics showed me how interesting it was had me combining the intriguing approaches of profound mathematics with the compelling wonders of material science.

...or something. But at the end of the first para, i still think you should add a short sentence that establishes the truth of the essay. As the last sentence of the first para, you could write: I find myself intrigued and undecided.

Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]

Isn't it funny how much care we put into this stuff, as if the admissions people are, like, gods we have to please so as not to be smited. Smitten? We want to please them in every way. And the dark side of it is that college is big business, so here is someone trying so hard to please and impress an organization so you can gain permission to pay SO many thousands of dollars...

Whenever you do not get what you want in the college ap process, remember that it is all just a game! Sometimes bad luck turns out to be the best luck, and vice versa...

Undergraduate / Mans Best Friend UC promp #2 [4]

This is really nice. You write with a noticeable kind of simple honesty.

I want to mention that those first few sentences, about having to travel to school, have nothing to do with the rest of the essay.

option #1: I think you should get rid of them, and give an intro related to the program and its significance for you.

option 2: Or you can keep that stuff about the town not having a school, and needing to travel to school, but then you have to find a way to talk about that again in the last paragraph.

Graduate / Need reviews and suggestions for my SOP. Mechanical [9]

Yes, I agree that it is good to eliminate all unnecessary details. But if you can pack a few key sentences full of specific observations about the school or your chosen field, it is the stuff that makes essays substantial. It really is important to be efficient, though, like you said.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay - Students caught DUI [3]

...ing and suspending a driver's license decreases road accidents, brings maturity for young drivers and teaches citizen to be law abiding.-----> This is the kind of claim that has to be backed up with a citation. If you are in high school, it doesn't matter, but... in college, you need to cite some research studies that show that this penalty does indeed deter drunk driving.

You make a strong argument here. I guess it should be easy to make a strong argument, because I doubt many people would argue that drunk drivers should not be punished...

Suspending a student's driver's license when s/he is convicted of DUI may stir up...

Writing Feedback / an essay about" Emotion----A very short introduction" [3]

I really love your writing style. Some people think they know what "good" writing is, but good writing really is writing that comes from a good state of mind. That is what I think you have. For example, this one is simple, rhythmic, and beautiful: That is the reason I like it very much.

How about starting a conclusion paragraph with this: With the closure of the book, the...

Give the essay some closure with a full conclusion para.

:-) Nice job!

Scholarship / "Explore Whatever you wanted for one year" has really put me in a corner. [3]

If this is for a scholarship, you have to be clever about earning it. I say do not write about anime and video games. Instead, write something about your major. If you are going to major in psych and get a masters in clinical with a specialization in cognitive therapy, you might say you are most interested in learning about Ellis's development of REBT for treating children and adults.

Do you know what I mean? Get fired up about your field of choice right now. And if anime and video game writing are your arts, perhaps your major is associated with them, in which case, you should write about them... but from an adult's point of view, from a professional's point of view.

The admissions person may think of this as "kid stuff,"
so you have to compensate by citing good literature about recent advancements in related fields.. and really show yourself to be the deep, methodical thinker that you are.

Undergraduate / Putting my thoughts on paper; UT austin Statement of Purpose [7]

...realize that this is the first step of many meaningful steps I will need to take b efore fulfilling my dream of becoming a successful engineer.

However, not until my senior year of high school did I act out on the urge to distinguish myself from my classmates in these subjects.-----> good sentence!

...and grow me into an engineer able and ready to improve the industry.
No, don't write "grow me into..." but instead...and shape me into an engineer able and ready to improve the industry.

You have an excellent way with words -- straightforward.

Treat the last paragraph as though it is part of a test to see how much you studied about their school. Name student organizations, recent events, names of faculty members in the department you are interested in... fill that para with evidence that you are already an expert about their school.

Undergraduate / 'I played my heart out' - UC PROMPT #2 - "The Competition" [8]

Mike, that sure is a good point.

I think this sentence should be added as the last sentence of the first paragraph, so that the reader knows what the heck is going on after reading that first paragraph:

It was the final and most important competition of my high school career - the Peninsula Symphony Young Musicians Competition that brought shivers down my spine just by thinking of its name.

Then, take the rest of para #2 and merge it with para #3.

No comma necessary here: I played my heart out and couldn't have asked for a better presentation of myself.

I recommend adding a little info about your college aspirations and career goals in that last paragraph... because connecting the experience with the aspirations they helps to show how the experience affected "who you are."

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]

Well, look at how they wrote that prompt... they clearly want you to SCRUTINIZE yourself a little bit. They do not want the typical self-aggrandizing admissions essay. You have a great story to tell here, but what they want is for you, perhaps, to reflect that maybe it was not right for you to oppose their decision... or you could write that actually, you realize now that you wanted to keep that program because you were afraid of the new challenges that might replace it. OR, you might say you should have preserved the exploration of Eng Lit by establishing a student organization for it and taking charge yourself.

The point is to "second guess" yourself a little... challenge your own ideas. You'll need to shorten the story and make room for that self-scrutiny! :)

Undergraduate / drexel: digital media [3]


Great! You are doing good things with your life already.

The first paragraph is terrific. I like the way you ended it with reference to their school.
If it was my essay, I would spend some time at the end describing the resources and student communities at their school that will be important for you... or some of the professors who you look forward to working with.

Undergraduate / My limits, America - a signifcent risk or ethical dilemma and its impact on you [9]

Do not capitalize "high school."

The beginning years of my high school life were affected by the fact that I was a very shy child.

Although my parents were born in Pakistan , they had not accustomed me to the culture, language and religion which characterized the nation 's inhabitants. of Pakistan.

In the end of the last para of the first essay, you have room for one more sentence. You should use that last sentence of the first para to write a sentence that tells the reader something about how this essay is about overcoming your introversion and becoming a confident team player.

My anxiety and fear ended on the first day of school because of the friendliness of my teachers.

Undergraduate / "the Intensive Care Unit" - Common app short answer [6]

Great corrections, Bilal.

They do not plead for his condition. They plead for relief.

Ragged clothing, enervating appearance, and powerless hands pleaded for relief from his condition.

Then I wipe off his body to make him feel better.

Yes, let's see a new draft and we'll be able to tell if you fixed everything. You could even keep all the verbs in the present tense if you want to... as long as they are consistent.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Physical exercise should be required part of every school day [7]

...whole day on academic studies, I nevertheless believe that agree about the idea of including physical exercise is a crucial part of every school day.

The end of the first para: That first paragraph has only 3 sentences... it will be better to add one more.. perhaps a sentence that lists the three main points you are going to make in the essay.

...but also will establish in children a habit of doing it, giving them the opportunity to measure the worth of including such an important activity in their daily schedules .

Excellent, this is great!

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement - "Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough" [7]

"Things" is usually a weak word: ...most arduous things challenges I've had to face in the Duke of Edinburgh program.

...explore all of the diverse sources knowledge about this world.

It is really good, these are just ideas.

That last paragraph is still very general. I wonder if you could condense the sentiment about giving and receiving help, and instead write something specific -- a club you might start, for example. That last paragraph is nice, but sort of soft. Infuse it with some specificity! :)

Undergraduate / UTD Essay Topic - Ideas? [3]

You are not completely without structure for making a strategic decision. You know something about what you hope to do professionally, what research topics interest you, and what resources attract you to this school... so... write about an experience that enables you to easily talk about these concepts. That way, you can show them how serious, scholarly, and driven you are. What subject fascinates you? What subject would you not mind writing a 20 page paper about? What specific organizations would you like to work for?

The important thing is to get inspired. Write something while inspired, and the writing can transmit inspiration to the admissions person. It is great to read something that inspires you. So, they will receive it well if you muster some inspiration and write with confidence. What are you all about?

Undergraduate / College essay: what confuses you most in life, and why? [3]


I like it!

Many people, through meditation, have come to intuit ideas about their past lives. Who knows if their claims are valid... but it is reassuring.

If you want to add another dimension to this, you can consider the nature vs nurture argument. Google it if you are unfamiliar.
If you believe in the nurture argument, it means you think your personality is shaped by your particular perspective as the person you are. So, your grandma was the you that grew up into her environment with her perspective, and you are being the you who grew up in your environment with your perspective.

We might all be you, actually, because we are all intuitively connected, experiencing the same life challenges -- love, loss, and the like -- from various perspectives.

This is a great subject, great writing, too...

Undergraduate / 'My pessimism' - UC Prompt #1-describe the world you come from [4]

Let's try to get through this first part quicker, without unnecessary words:
...burst into the room hysterically crying. It was at that point that I knew something was amiss, but due to my immaturity, I was sheltered from the ominous grief and therefore knew nothing regarding it. (Now after that intriguing intro... I think you should end the first paragraph with a sentence that tells the theme for the essay: You had a wake-up call that prepared you ro be decisive in moments of importance.

Establish that as the essay's theme byu writing a sentence about it at the end of that first paragraph.

:-) That way, the reader will see it again at the end and be impressed with how you put forth that theme throughout the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Common app short answer "Fencing" [3]

Discipline enabled me to stand my ground and counterattack, even though human nature tells me to retreat as fast as possible. I also learned the importance of teamwork, as we trained with the same fencing partners week after week. fenced the same people we trained with . Every time I lose a bout , I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas in which I need improvement.

Writing Feedback / The Graduation Day... (the best day of my life) [7]

It such a regular day, but it has a different atmoshpere . You see people crying or laughing on this day. Actually, that is what is happening in Jordan during the Graduation Day, which we call the Result Day. The Result Day is when the government announces the names of students who have passed the standardized test by posting them on the bulletin board of each school or putting them on the websites.

Above, I made that all one paragraph.

In the summer of 2007, I was ... (very good paragraph!) At that moment, I was overjoyed , and my parents were too.

I really thank them for everything they have done for me. I will never forget that day when I saw my father's tears of ...

Beautiful. But what the heck is the prompt for this one? Does it fulfill the requirements?

Undergraduate / My passion for knowledge has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, magnifying every passing moment [10]

He was fourteen, and he had neither money nor fluency i n the English language.

I know this sentence must be sad for you, but it is very powerful, as sentences go: She was abused and neglected by parents traumatized and broken from their past, and ... live past infancy.

You write very well.


That is funny. Yes, I suggest adding some specific details about your aspirations and plans... right after this sentence: I desire to live the life of mind, and I refuse to be complacent with my intellect.

Undergraduate / "Morocco, 2000." - UC System, help for a confused British applicant? [9]

Hanna, you should read Stephen King's On Writing, and see what he says about killing your adverbs! :-)

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1- "Growing Up With Cinema" (where my grandmother used to work) [6]

What an intriguing first sentence. I love essays that start with interesting, short sentences.

...four years old I looked forward to those mornings , because as soon as my mother left me with my grandma for the day so she could go to work, I had a vast , empty theater as my playground.

Use a comma when you list a few adjectives: I had a vast, empty theater...

Then on Fridays I rememberwere payday, and when the employees came in one by one getting their envelopes, I received one as well, with enough candy money for the week.

Excellent! I like it... great approach, great story. And you connect it to finance at the end! I love it.

Fix the spelling of "however" in that last sentence.

Essays / Help for Social Justice and Peace essay [3]

Here is another link that might help. It is a link to a whole book, so you should be able to skim through and find some efforts that have been made to resist the prevention of sex-trafficking.

That is a tough one, it's like being asked to find 3 sources that promote rape or molestation! You should confirm with your prof the approach that is expected.

Undergraduate / How my world has shaped my life-UC Prompt [8]

School alone was not enough to shape my life for the future, so I had to take on various activities. My membership in Key Club enabled me to be included in a process of interaction and enhanced my perspective on the worl d is like how communities act together as a whole. by allowing me the chance to be included.

See, ask yourself if this sentence really says anything or not: My world has shaped my aspirations through helping me decide what is most beneficial for my future and changing my overall perception of the real world of knowledge.----> that sentence does not really say anything at all! So, we call that fluff. It is beter to kill it and write a sentence about a particular faculty member at the school... a particular research interest... something particular.

Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]

I tend to agree, although I appreciate your effort to intrigue the reader with a quick, mysterious first sentence. Here is my idea:

The guide book said it wasn't to be missed. And so, On a recent trek through Ireland, I made a...

But your way really is good. I don't know which is better...

If "good fences make good neighbors," Belfast's Peace Line is the fence that makes the best neighbors of all.

Undergraduate / "THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1 [16]

The acne essay is great because you are "keeping it real," and writing something authentic with real emotional content.

The second essay could be a little better, I think, if instead of being so general at the end you show how determined you are by giving lots of specific details about your plan for the next few years...your goals! It is very poetic, but balance the abstract poetic parts with some specific details about "how this relates to the person you are" (i.e. a person about to begin this college program).

Undergraduate / Help me decide which essay to use for the common application... [8]

You might want to add a few... more specific examples of Ukrainian culture that you embrace.

Also, at the end the nonstandard line breaks after each sentence might actually come off the wrong way. I think you might want to consider putting them all together in the form of a normal paragraph.

Essays / Martin Luther King Jr's speech and Nelson Mandela's speech -compare and Contrast [3]

Yes, the essay really has to begin with a thought that arises in your mind as you read these works. You have to have confidence in you idea you have. Do you notice an similarity between them that seems UNCANNY? How about a similarity that is meaningful... or a difference that shows one of them to have known something the other did not know.

Your job is to read these, and watch the videos if available, and really experience this part of history so that you feel the urge to write all kinds of first paragraphs.

What ideas have arisen in your mind about these so far? What have you noticed?

Writing Feedback / ( career preparation / job opportunities ) Why people attend college or university? [7]

...of the opportunity for a career change.

...college as undergraduate students looking to improve the future of their lives . It is well known how a career can step a person up enhancing his/her opportunities in a job search.

...to augment their knowledge and get specialized training in a field. Nowadays, due to a lack of jobs in a national recession, it is an advantage to have a master degree.

Great! Add this sentence to the end of the first paragraph:
All these reasons for going to college share a common theme: improving one's future life.

Scholarship / "Page 87" Autobiography-VCU Scholarship Essay [5]

I like to trim out the unnecessary phrases: Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping -- my early morning wake up call. This was the first day...

This is so good, with no errors to correct -- if it really was a page from a book I would want to read more. One thing you might want to experiment with is writing in the present verb tense:

This is the first day of ...at these camps brings grief to me; I cannot not bear to watch. -----> but that is only a good idea if you like the effect is has.

Congratulations, you are a great writer :-)

Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

You know, actually you are right. I shouldn't give quick comments like that, because we are trying to encourage people to give thoughtful feedback instead of just faking so that they can get help without giving help. I'm a bad example!

Graduate / Opinions on Narrative Essay (finance). Does my paper answer the prompt? [10]

Well, one additional thought is this: The first sentence of the last para refers to the masters as the goal, but I always think it is more powerful if the degree you are seeking is a means to an end in some grand process... like, you have clear plans about the good you are going to do in the world. So, perhaps that first sentence of the last para could refer to something you want to do as a professional -- something that the degree will make possible.

The first paragraph... I think you could do without the first sentence. It is a good sentence... but I think it could get off to a stronger start if you just begin with sentence #2. I may be wrong, though... get a second opinion!! :-)

Undergraduate / "Close your eyes. Open the window. Look out" - best advice [4]

...at least once in their lives , I, an aspiring artist, also come across moments when the blank canvas precisely reflects my state of mind.

This is a great topic, and the way you think is interesting! For some people -- meditation practitioners -- that blank canvas mind is the greatest kind. That is the kind of mind that is open for art to enter. If, in that blank, tranquil state, you want to muster up some art, you need to stir up the stillness and think of something that makes you feel some emotion. That is the alchemy of it, I think.

I know that this incident was not the last of my experiences with artist's block or my absence of inspiration.

Undergraduate / UofM Ross School of Business: Starting your own organization or project [9]

Hey now, you only posted it yesterday... sometimes it takes a few days to get some feedback. The thing to do is go help some other people (click "Unanswered") and link them to your essay so they can give you their ideas.

Active voice here:
Being raised Growing up in a middle-class family, I took education for granted , never realizing the struggles that children in rural Ukraine face.

Now... I think an area that could be improved is the section on how this school will help you achieve your goal:
There are a number of ways that my goal could become a financial disaster or even illegal. ---> You have a great way with words!

By studying at the Ross School of Business I would learn how to manage the funds that come from donations and set up a nonprofit account. ------->You can learn that at any school.

After college, I would approach the goal with knowledge of the subject and much more confidence. -----this does not really say anything specific

Using business tactics, I would set up a team of workers to divide the workload and foster efficiency. With knowledge from the University of Michigan, I could expand my foundation to include students across America working to help underprivileged students in multiple nations (Underprivileged Student Support Foundation). ----> Even at this point, I am still thinking you need to name the names of some professors, discuss specific resources at the school, etc.

I hope that helps you! Go help some other people, too!