Undergraduate / Deciding to Leave High School- UC - experience [11]

...having turned sixteen a little over a month prior to the occasion.

That does not sound right either!

...as I had been sixteen for almost a month.

Or maybe you can just leave that phrase out! I corrected him, pointing out that I had recently turned sixteen.

Wow, this is so well-written. I hope it is well-received by an admissions person who can appreciate your abstract and artful way of thinking. I'll tell you what I tell everyone whose essay is already brilliant: You can make it better by writing a bit more at the end about specific, practical goals you have for the near future... and how they can be facilitated by the specific resources at the school to which you are applying. Good luck, awesome writer!

Undergraduate / "Cultural Synthesis" - UC Prompt 1 [9]

This is a very satisfying essay to read, and the only thing I suggest giving some more specific ideas about what your aspirations are. I know you might not have specific ideas yet, but it'll be great if you can name a few places you might like to work, contributions you would like to make... contributions associated with the values you describe here.

Also, here is a little fix: I hope to study social structures of and diverse cultures in order to help alleviate the link of poverty that was experienced by my forefathers and attend to other pressing issues afflicting our modern world.

This is all well-written -- but make it poignant with some more specific aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Important issue" - Texas Common App Topic B [or c] - feedback [4]

I think you are supposed to capitalize Internet.

The ending is a bit abrupt... you write: The internet is more of an interconnected group of websites.

But it might be better as: The Internet is more correctly described as an interconnected group of websites. -----but even that does not seem quite right. It is an interconnected information "web"... made possible by computer technology.

It would be intereresting to google definitions for internet.

This is a great, very smart choice. Well done!

Essays / Criminal justice - can someone check my thesis statement? [7]

Kareem is right.. it was a run on sentence before!

Also, it is too general. How about saying something specific and interesting about the nature of the field. The way you wrote it... the same could be said of almost any field...

I look forward to seeing the essay! :-))

Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Word does lie sometimes. And that little paperclip guy is an evil demon, I think. See this: home-school.com/

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Person of Significant Influence (coach) [4]

Christie, you are great! Thanks for all this effort you invested in somebody else's success.

This essay is powerful and intriguing. It is so impressive that you look deeply into the facts of the situation.

...was seeing his work ethic, devotion, and how much he cared for the students at our school -- even the ones who didn't play football.

Another place to use dashes:
He's taught me far more than I could ever put into words, but part of what he has taught me is that -- no matter how smart or talented you are -- you can throw it all away with even one bad choice.

Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

Copy and paste the thing into microsoft word, if you have it... or you can use some other word ptroc. program. Usually there is a function ("tools") that enables you to select "word count."

Graduate / "Sharp" - My Sop of international relations [6]


Now that shows some wisdom about writing; it is good that you know you are responsible for creating a certain experience for the reader.

...some media professionals from Italy. ----> It is better top never just refer top people by their race, or it sounds racist! :-) Refer to them by their expertise: media professionals.

Transition brilliantly, like this:
Suddenly aware of the fact the censorship of the Chinese media has severely limited our understanding of the world, I became fascinated and resolved t o learn and research more on this topic.

My curiosity has next brought me to spend six months as an exchange student in South Korea...

So, that shows that curiosity was sparked, and then paragraph 2 shows what you did with your curiosity...

My experience working in China-CBN confirmed my decision to be a journalist.

Well done, you have a great concept here... wanting to spread truth through media. Thanks so much for the contribution your are making to society with this life! You have the right ideas...

Undergraduate / Cloudhouse - another essay for Common app Topic of my choice [5]

This is so great! I wonder how it would be if you used the present tense:
Once again, I close my eyes...

I could feel the tiny, moist, cotton-like pillows touching my skin as I went higher and higher.

This cloud-house vision has long been engraved in a four-year-old 's mind , until her seventeenth year, and it has never ceased pumping fantasies into her world.

Oh, no wonder you write so beautifully... you read LeGuin!!

You will do well, and I look forward to reading your future novels and other creative works, Dung Tran.

Undergraduate / 'experience of two people' - Babson Supp Essay - A letter to my roommate. [6]


Yes, that is what I meant, for sure. That is the purpose... so do not waste too much time addressing the actual roommate.

:-)

Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]

I think a powerful way to start would be this:
Eighty six thousand four hundred seconds; one thousand four hundred and forty four minutes; twenty-four hours, one day. I thought I needed...

At the end of the essay, you could mention the fact that, for example, a typiocal human life only lasts about nine hundred months... and that will give theme of time passing, and you wanting to live without regrets. Suddenly, you start to feel inspired! Write!

Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]


Yes... this is a good point! I think the stereotypes she is joking about are that "woman drivers" are bad and that Asian people are good at math. This first part can be offensive to women in general... it's too bad, though, because your sense of humor is so great! The part about Asian student being good at math (and every other subject) is well-documented in research...

"prove to be useful" would be better than "prove pragmatic."

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

"Despite the arguments against that same sex marriages is stating it is impossible by definition, a personal lifestyle choice, and encourages a bad environment to raise children, same sex marriages should be legalized because people are being denied both equal rights and the separation of the church and state; additionally, same sex parenting has not shown significant negative impacts on children."

I fixed it up, above, but I think the teacher is right about it being too long. You can explain the reasons people argue against it later. For the thesis sentence, just write your 2 reasons for arguing in defense of same sex marriage.

This statement is already good: "...both equal rights and the separation of the church and state." People are being denied both of those ideals, so I think you wrote it will. It is not a place for parallelism.

I always think you should take the teacher's advice, because taking advice is a way to show respect and appreciation: "Same sex marriages should be legalized because people failure to legalize it denies people equal rights and interferes with the separation of the church and state."

You have a 3rd reason, too -- that it does not negatively impact parenting -- but you can mention that in the paragraph where you refute the counterargument. Do you know what that means? In the second-to-last paragraph, essay writers sometimes explain the opposite argument and why it is wrong... so that is a good place for your observation that same sex marriage does not negatively affect parenting.

Essays / IELTS Writing "agree and disagree" [12]

This essay will outlined on whether the government should set rules or not, on this creative people.

Secondly, different people have various opinions when it comes to whether an artist should dress appropriately. ----> This should actually say: Secondly, different people have differing opinions about what styles of dress are appropriate. when it comes to whether an artists should dress appropriately.

To put it in the nutshell, though governments are proceeding the right way in having their say by limiting the age limit on the censored films, they should also allow the creative sides of this artists to be in full use by listening to their views.

I hope that helps!!

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Tae Kwon Do tournaments and gold medals [7]

Yes, the next thing is to make connections by reflecting on common principles among martial arts and scholarship -- that moment of meditative focus.

Undergraduate / Software engineering - RU essay [4]

Here are some corrections:

Born and raised in New York (City?), I have been exposed to a pulsating diversity similar to that which can be found at Rutgers University.

What makes Rutgers community such a phenomenal one is the fact that it has people of many distinct backgrounds, which makes it an creates an atmosphere enticing to a...

...immersing myself in various cultures and religions to amplify my knowledge of perspectives other than my own.

Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]


No, I think you can list the same achievements on both. The application and a resume are both documents intended to enable someone to skim through quickly... so, it is no big deal. Anyway, the redundancy is their fault for presenting it in a way that causes you this confusion.

And I suggest not ever writing "see resume" because some people have a silly association in their minds that makes it seem "lazy" somehow if someone writes that.

Undergraduate / 'Unique Californian family' - UC Prompt #1- My World [3]

Transforming from a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston.

Excellent sentence!

Yes, Kelsey did some great work, and I agree especially that the ending needs to be more focused:
College will enable me to align my education with the type of person...No, no, it should say some specific things about U.C. and what make it the perfect place for your studies.

I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge. All of this.. you should try a different approach. Focus on the specifics about your academic and professional plans.

Graduate / "a daughter of a Civil Engineer" - Help with SOP Introduction [2]

As the daughter of a Civil Engineer, I have been exposed to (list specific things) since my very childhood.

I think you should not tell that he is 33 years in the profession until later in the essay... too much info for that first sentence.

For me, it was really amazing to know, how reflect on the fact that nearly every aspect of our everyday life is one way or another associated with the use of facilities built and maintained by civil engineers -- be they the roads we travel on, or the buildings we live in, or the fresh drinking water that quenches our thirst!

That is my idea for it...

Writing Feedback / City and country living, which one will you choose? [3]

Some people think that city living has more benefits than country living.

...country living, so we can gain a broader perspective.

I think the correct word is "convenience."
The first similarity is convenience. What is "convenience" to you ? One might say immediately that this is only a characteristic of city living, but actually , it is not always true. Convenience between city life and ...

The first similarity...
The second similarity...
The third similarity...

City people are also friendly; they say, "Hello" or, "How are you?" to neighbors because most of people don't have much time, and time is money for them.

Nothing is perfect -- not even people; depending on your thoughts and hobbies. you can choose where you love and can adapt easily is the best choice to you. I scratched out this last sentence, because I don't know what you are trying to say. You should try again with a new last sentence.

:-)

Graduate / Need reviews and suggestions for my SOP. Mechanical [9]

I think your first sentence is too full of information. It's hard for the reader's brain to process at the start. You might want to precede it with a short, clever sentence.

This is a good time to use parentheses:
From an internship at Saipem India project services (a leading EPC company in Oil and Gas Industry worldwide, which I am currently pursuing on tank and nozzle load analysis) I hope to strengthen my knowledge on design and analysis techniques.

...but it should say "at which..."
I am strengthening my knowledge on design and analysis techniques by completing an internship at Saipem India project services, a leading EPC company in Oil and Gas Industry; worldwide I am currently participating in tank and nozzle load analysis. I hope to strengthen my knowledge on design and analysis techniques.

Maybe that is better?

About the length... it depends on their guidelines. If they give no guidelines, I think this is enough. It is very impressive, because you are obviously already an expert in this field. Your last sentence is clunky and awkward, though... I think you should replace it with 3 solid sentences about the specific resources, professors, programs, etc that make their school perfect for your specific life-plan.

It is okay to make it a little longer, so do it by adding a bit more at the end about the SPECIFIC ways that school will facilitate your plan.

Undergraduate / 'Young woman from Hong Kong and LA - your family, community or school [3]

As the song progresses, my fingers slip and produce the wrong note. I am determined to perfect this song, so I start the song all over again.

My mom witnesses my dissatisfaction and calmly reminds me: "Nothing is easy."

"...to America to me" sounds funny:
Throughout my childhood, my mother would always recount for me the details of her inspiring journey to America. to me .

Like this maybe?

My competitive nature will enable me to succeed...

...through the application of the same principles practiced by my mothe r: perseverance, endurance, and an indefatigable drive to be unsurpassed. (Maybe these principles should be mentioned at the start of the essay, too, so that it is balanced. Those words will become the theme of the essay)

Undergraduate / "politically and internationally savvy people" - What Interests You About GW? [5]

Excellent, this is really refreshing and cool.

Just a little fix here:
When I asked her how she liked it, she replied, "People in D.C. are weird; everyone's wayyy too into politics. It gets annoying." Her answer surprised me; I had been ignorant ...

Undergraduate / Gee-Transcending All Languages (UMich Diversity) [4]

Here is my suggestion:

"Neomuneomu meotjyeo nuni nuni busyeo!" sang Danny as we walked down the halls. ... Why would my friend be listening to something he can't even understand? I didn't get it. I think that would be a very entertaining way to start the esay -- with the lyrics and then that Why would my ... I didn't get it."

And after that I think you should give each paragraph a topic sentence that is all about technology breaking down cultural barriers. I think focusing on the Gee might limit the essay's effectiveness...

Undergraduate / Rutgers Admission Essay-benefit from and contribute to an environment [6]

Education was something my parents always stressed. especially on me . I had to work extremely hard in school to achieve my parents standards.

Instead of "meet" I changed it to "achieve"

Undergraduate / "Never pass up new experiences. They enrich the mind." New experiences essay [3]

It's a great essay. I think the first sentence is bad, though. The first sentence ends with a prepositional phrase and... it could be more intriguing.

Our lives are full of experiences, big and small, that we can either pass up or capitalize on.
I think a new -- inspired -- first sentence will help a lot.

Oh, the last sentence, too.. you can make those sentences more colorful!!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay What do you prefer, learning by yourself or learning with a teacher [4]

Many of the students feel that self studies provide ...

... In short, the teacher provides guidance for a particular subject, give explanations and answers to our questions and, also teaches us the techniques of learning.

Finally, some subjects require practical learning or experiments.

However, learning can be made easier and interesting with teacher. Hence, it is better to learn with the help of teacher than by yourself.

Undergraduate / How my world has shaped my life-UC Prompt [8]

Yes, you are a bit vague, but it is nice that you are responsive to the prompt.

Some people ignore the prompt and do not respond to it directly... you do a good job of responding directly to it, but you need some more detasils about your goals and aspirations...

Show them how focused you are on achieving your goals through their program!

Undergraduate / Help me decide which essay to use for the common application... [8]

This is smart, I like your approach!

About a year ago, I decided to start a Ukrainian band named "Klopit". The band is becoming quite successful within the Ukrainian community and the experience has shown me the importance of culture in my life.

Excellent!! I look forward to enjoying the music you will create.

Writing Feedback / the main purposes of a country's education system [6]

what does this mean? A uniform education system...

I think you should read 5 articles about the subject, and then write your ideas that arise in the mind.

Writing Feedback / TEOFL Essay "Small town vs big city" [4]

I found out a good job relating to my major. Besides, researchers in the field of sociology declare that the migration rate from rural to cities increases every days, in that young people leave their rural societies to find a better job for make their future.

To sum up, I strongly prefer to live in the big city the place of chances to find good jobs and appropriate facilities. Leaving the fresh air of my small town to gain sufficient empowerment for my future is a fair enough deal that I chose for my life.

Graduate / Opinions on Narrative Essay (finance). Does my paper answer the prompt? [10]

I have long had the goal of pursuing a master's degree, but recently bettering my education has taken on more value. ---> good sentence!

---->another good sentence: My quick action and careful coordination paid off.

This is excellent...I think, at the end, you should refer back to the phrase from the 1st para "great leaders" Use that phrase again at the end...

Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

Excellent!

Essays / The advent of the Internet - find some ideas [4]

How about online learning, or company websites...

Scholarship / Study Abroad Essay (to become a psychologist) [8]

Consideration of Others-I will demonstrate a concern for the welfare and rights of others, and I will respect the dignity of all persons. Instead of saying you will, you should express interests associated with these values.

Graduate / My SOP for grad school admission: degree in childhood education [4]

Yes, it is great...

I did not know the word plenitude until now, thank you!

Poetry / The analysis of "The loneliness one dare not sound" [3]

You have to analyze it according to the criteria from class... what are they teaching?
What are the literary terms you are studying?

Graduate / 'I was born in a small town in central Iran' - SOP at Computer Science [8]

I scheduled my studies and tried hard to win a remarkable place in this contest and to enter a top university.

You are doing so well! I can tell...

Taking another step towards my goal, towards learning more from the right people, I am applying for a PhD program .... I aim to work on design and analysis of algorithms, whether practical or theoretical, and on implementation issues of algorithms, as these are the problems for which I honed my skills .

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

The abstract is like the core of an apple. It is the essence of the essay. The abstract tells the main idea in 120 words (approx)

The introduction should intrigue the reader... grab the attention...

Undergraduate / It is said that we learn from difficulties. This has been particularly true in my case. [4]

I think you should use numbers diffwerently:

During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements were, 1.) the leader of the school basketball team, 2.) the captain of the brass band team, 3.) the captain of the school aerobic team, 4.) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performances, 5.) initiated and organized a voluntary organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6.) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, has greatly improved and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.

I think the comma should come before the number.