Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master Petroleum Geophysics at Imperial College London [4]

I believe that my excellent academic records and some teaching experiencestogether with my experience as a teacher make me a gooddeserving candidate to be selected.for this study program.

Well, this is the approach I suggest for your SOP;
1)Background
2)Development of interest
3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education
4)Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: friends you can have fun with or those who can help you? [3]

AsBeing a kind of social animal, our human beings needthe human needs company of others .attention and love from others. And so it is necessary for everyone to have some special people in life, people like parents, siblings and also the unrelated-but- still-important ones, whichwhom we calledcall friends. From this perspective, real friends are more like family members.

Post your prompt together with your essay. Then we can have a better understanding about what it exactly expects from you.

Speeches / IELTS SPEAKING PART 1 - Tell me about the house/flat you live in [3]


Well, for the IELTS Speaking task 1, you need to have a more friendly and cool approach. Your score would depend on how well you set up the interaction between you and the examiner.

So, have a more simple tone;
STEP I;Answer the question direct;
Well, I live in a flat.
STEP 2: Now expand on your answer introducing more details ;
It is a small flat which is about 40 square meter in floor area. It has one bedroom, living room and a kitchen.
Though it's small in size, I like it's location and the design.

The above would be enough for you to handle that 4 to 5 mins allowed for this task :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career [8]


Here I see a few issues with your intro. I do not favor replacing the words that appear in your prompt with inappropriate synonyms extensively. You actually do not have to replace every single word with a new one. Instead you can paraphrase the prompt and present it in a different sentence structure. If you don't find an appropriate word to replace the key words in the prompt, in ( unless youhave a thorough knowledge about their usage) it is better you stick with the known words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Pros and Cons - advertisement - has become integral part of modern society's life [5]

I strongly advise you to follow Pahan's suggested structure for this task. Time is a critical factor for this task and if you are not prepared with a sound essay structure you would not be able to finish this task within the allowed time. As it is your essay looks pretty long and it needs lots of improvement with regard to structure that can help you earn a good score as well as manage time.

Writing Feedback / Hand work culture elimination is the 1st thing that would be cherished by human [4]


This is a good sentence for your hook. So stop at this point. Do not lengthen the hook unnecessarily. Hook sounds interesting and catchy when it is short. :)

However, the advent of machineries machines have made work in the same industries relatively much easier.offered efficient and convenient solutions and replaced the manpower largely that was required to perform those tasks.

Scholarship / Factors and challenges in my life; find purpose in this world [7]


I like if you had two sentences for this :)
Throughout my life I've always tried to find my purpose in this world. Since my childhood, I used to ask myself how I could leave a legacy, something that has a positive impact on the world.

I was interested in something meaningful and beneficial, but I didn't have a goal to persuade. pursue.

pursue means "follow or chase (someone or something)"
persuade means "induce (someone) to do something through reasoning or argument"

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]

Seems you can write well... However, there is a particular structure that we recommend for this task which includes all necessary features that you need to score on this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: highly qualif graduates without employment are frequent, why? cutthroat competition [3]

But this sole factor don't explain the whole problem, which is much more complex and difficult to deals with.
3. Thesis statement - Express your view
For me, the problem is only because of societies which have to re-form its economic model.
What do yo think dumi ?[/quote]
Well, lets have a look at your hook;
I find it is not well presented. You try to present it with advance words, but your effort goes in vain as they tend to complicate the clarity of your idea :(

This is what I suggest;
Nowadays, people have got to face with severe competition in almost everything they do. .... write simple sentences, but with more clarity.


... you cannot have both would and may - has to be one of them.
Again, this is not a good way to introduce the background of your prompt. You should preserve its original idea and you can do this by paraphrasing your prompt. For example,

As a result, in many parts of the world there are lots of qualified graduates who are left without proper jobs.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The internet provides people with a lot of valuable info or problems? [5]


Well, you have good points. However, you need to pay attention to presentation of your sentences and also the essay structure if you are keen on going for a good score on TOEFL Writing. Here are some of the things I found ;

One benefit is that we can access to information about any subjectssubject that we want to know and learn about in any time
Another benefit is that there is also a great deal of data, statistics and information which are becoming up-to-date moment by moment.updated almost real time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Expenditure on fast food by Income groups in UK; hamburger and pizza [6]

The bar chart givesprovides information about the amount of money ofspent by high income , average income and low income people in Britain spent on fast foods during a period of time in 1990.


... the highlighted part is pretty confusing. This is what I suggest;
Also, this is very wrong as an idea. Why do you say hamburger and pizza had a gradual decrease? These are the figures only for 1990 and we do not have any information about increases or decreases. Do not present any information that is not depicted by your graph or chart. What is presented by this chart is the money spent on those three food items by three different categories.

Overall, both high and average income earners have spent on hamburgers over the other two food items while the low income earners have spent more on fish and chips. Further, both average and low income earners have spent least on pizza over the other two items while the high income category has spent on fish and chips the least.

Undergraduate / Why UC Davis - waitlist essay; outstanding professors/ great internship programs [2]


This sentence seems to be a bit too long :(
Better break it up and make two or three sentences!


With its outstanding professors like Ann Huff Stevens and Peter Lindert , I find US Davis is unparalleled to any other institution.

Writing Feedback / There are many different types of music in the world today. 'enjoy, pleasure' [3]

It is good if you included your prompt with the essay. Then we have a better understanding as to what it expects from you :) Also, include the purpose of your writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. :)


Well, I am not really impressed with the presentation of this intro. You try to complicate your sentences with too many redundant and inappropriate key words. Do not try to replace words with synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. They may destroy your flow of ideas and at times, they may give a total different impression to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - Historical building or new building [3]

Firstly, constructing new buildings would improve over all architecture and infrastructure of the city because modern designs and patterns would be usedmore focused to cater current demands. For instance Dubai, a well-developed modern city that acts as a commercial hub for the region where many people do shopping,of opportunities has recently completed construction of World's biggest mall; it has more than 1800 stores to facilitate citizens and visitors, that offer's versatile collection of clothing and International brands. Many restaurants and saloons are also included in the directory of mall.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. the table shows the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972-1983 [5]

The table comparespresents the percentages of British people usingusage of different durable goodsconsumer durables by British peoplesuch as vacuum cleaner, washing machine, etc between 1972 and 1983.

Throughout the period shown,Overall, the most used equipmenthousehold device during the period had been thewas television in each year . However, there was a marked increase in the popularity of other consumer durables, particularly usingthe telephone and central heating.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]


Actually the chart presents details and data. It is you who compare and analyse. So,
The chart presents the details of GDP growth in wealthy countries, globalisers and non globalisers from 1960 to 1990.

You need to pay attention to this point - In writing, clarity is a very important fact. There is not point in complicating your writing with many redundant words. What is important is that your reader conceives your ideas effectively without any difficulty. So, give more focus to the main idea, express it in a simple way.

Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]


You need to improve a lot on grammar and clarity of your ideas.
Talent shows often rated as having the highest number of viewers among the Television programs due to its great popularity in recent years.


Now you need to introduce the background of the issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Different views about the rising consumption of consumer products [4]

Well, I think you have given enough explanations as to how the economy would be boosted by enhancing public consumption. Generally, for this task, it is good to have very specific examples to support your arguments. However, your reason is quite a broad one which talks about macro economic conditions and it is not easy for you to give specific examples. So, what you've done is fine :) Good Job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: a table about poverty rates among Australian. [3]


... good introduction :)

It can be seen thatOverall, the people with children were better off than those without children, and single people were less likely to be poor than couples. This rate was exponentially lower among elderly people.

Well, you have improved remarkably from your last attempt. This is a very good essay and you follow the right structure too :)

Writing Feedback / Tobacco and alcohol are drugs. Should made legal or illegal? [4]

Some people on the other hand might argue that these products should be legal as it helpinghelpsto boost employment from farmer to factory level . However,but I don't see any good reasoningjustification forover this argument because we cannot putrisk our health in orderbody at riskof health to increase economic condition of the country and to beef upor to enhance employment levelopportunities.

Writing Feedback / The Boy whose Parents were Murdered by Life [6]

Rafiq opened his eyes and started cryingto weep.He cried out a flood of tears. ''KILL ME! KILL ME NOW, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE,'' Rafiq cried.sobbed. After controllinga while he controlled himself Rafiq whispered,'' I miss you ... I miss you all.'' With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes Rafiq fell asleep. Even in his sleep he sobbed, as he still thoughtdreamed about his family.

Writing Feedback / "It sucks that we're dead." ; SHORT STORY [3]


The oldest, wisest and most responsible one among them, Prudent, thought Reck a nuisance and felt that the name "Pest" suited better for Reck.


The newer members perked up at the idea of kites. Their eyes started to shine bright bringing back the joyful memory. However, the older kids just rejected the idea. For them, it was a stale memory that had been long forgotten.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay)Topic- in some countries young people have little leisure time... [4]


... wrong grammar :(
every parent wants to see / all parents want to see


... parents put what sort of pressure?
That is why parents put lots of pressure on their children to make them study hard. Consequently, children would not be left with any leisure time to enjoy their childhood and this may impact them negatively.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers ? It's a controversial issue [9]

Include the purpose of your writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL,GRE etc. in the title itself. Then we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. You need to improve on the essay structure. Pahan has provided you with the one which we all recommend. Read the sample essays to get a good knack about that structure. Also, try construct more simple, yet interesting sentences. Your sentences lack clarity most of the time.

Writing Feedback / THE POWER LIES WITHIN YOU - Changing a country [5]

Well, moderators perform administrative functions on this site in addition to making their contributions to help others improve their writing skills. However, the contributors role is purely restricted to making their contributions to others' threads in view of sharing their knowledge and experience. If you've done over 20 feedbacks for others and wish to become a contributor, you can contact us and we will consider your application. :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS task II : Illiteracy rates by region and gender; 'it was tearful' [12]


Well, the chart does not compare, but you compare the data and present an analysis. Also, "countries" is a wrong interpretation. They are regions that each region includes several countries.

The bar chart presents details on illiteracy rates of both genders in six different regions during the year 2000.


.... this does not add much value to your overview. Talk about some major observation;
Overall, the developed countries had the least illiteracy rate while the South Asia recorded the highest illiteracy rate.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Pros and Cons - advertisement - has become integral part of modern society's life [5]


This is not an attractive hook :( You need to open your essay with an interesting sentence, which is ideally not very long but very catchy and relevant to the topic.


.... what do you mean by this?


However, I personally believe that advertisements have many positive impacts on society that outweigh their negative effects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly? [12]

; hence,Therefore it is essential that families should take care of the elders.

Writing Feedback / IELTS PART 1 - Car ownership in Britain 1971-2007 [5]

First, you should have uploaded your graph for us to make more meaningful comments. Use the Attach file(s) feature in the Message block to upload your images.


Not to worry.... you can keep improving :)

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to eat meals at home. Other people would rather eat at restaurants. [3]

First, I have a few admin requests - Open your new threads in the most appropriate forum. This essay has been transfered from Graduate essays to Writing Feedback which is the most appropriate forum for it. Second, mention the purpose of your essay in your titel. e.g. IETLS, TOEFL, GRE etc. It helps others to provide you with more task related feedbacks :)


... well, do not replace key words with synonyms. There is no harm having a few words that you find in the prompt in your own sentences. The most important thing is that you present your ideas with clarity and in an interesting manner :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people's weight has increased, levels of health decreased; Solusions [7]

There are many explanations ofas to why citizens'people gain weight has significantly risen while the quality of health has been worse and worse.to an extent that it can cause serious health issues.

Your body paras are ok in terms of structure. However, you need to present your ideas with better clarity :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Modern buildings vs traditional buildings [5]

First I have an admin request from you; You should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum. Yourthread has been moved from Essays Term papers to Writing Feedback.

Nowadays, there are increasing number of modern buildings to meet different needs of office workers and residentsmodern work environments and life styles.
Modern buildings, asbeing one of the most important aspect of urban architecture, isare playing a significant role in the society from different aspectsperspectives.

Writing Feedback / Labelling any art work as a Master Piece is not appropriate! [3]


Well, every art work is not a master piece which means a work of outstanding artistry, skill, or workmanship. So the above sentence gives a wrong definition about master piece art works. However, your prompt too talks about the same things and therefore you need rephrase this sentence to make it meaningful/

Again, I have some admin requests from you. First you need to have a meaningful title in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. Try to mention the purpose of writing (IELTS, TOEFL etc.) in the title itself. Then you should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum. Your title has been attended by us and this thread has been moved from scholarship essays to Writing Feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly? [12]


That's absolutely ok. Follow my instructions about the title when you open your next thread :)


Here, your hook is fine. But you haven't introduced the background of the issue very well. Here's a sample;
Today, many elderly people live in elders' homes either by their choice or not. Some people argue that this is not ethical because it is the responsibility of their families to take care of their aging members.

Undergraduate / An important experience that change you. 'lazy, careless, many bad habits' [2]


This sentence is incomplete :(


When I was a bachelor living far from my home, I was more independent and enjoyed more freedom in doing what I wanted to do.

For examples:For example, I used to spend muchlots of money on my shopping, get up late every morning, gather friends to chat or go to the café after working.work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International imprisonment level report; 'USA recorded the top notch level rate' [5]


The chart is not giving any evidence, but provides information or details. Include your prompt so that we get a better idea about what it means. "giving evidence" sounds a bit awkward and such expressions my get the examiner to deduct marks on your vocabulary usage. Be careful! You should stick one solid style without experimenting with words.

Overall, the figures of imprisonment level varieddiffered considerably from one another. However, the USA recorded the top notchhighest level rate out of the five countries during statisticthe period under review.

top notch hotel, top notch executive (it is not appropriate for this idea )

Writing Feedback / If I am to travel 40 miles distance, I would choose the train [6]

First, introduce your topic to the reader and tell what type of transportation mode you would choose;

If I am to travel forty miles away from my house, I will have to take the most appropriate transportation mode for travelling that distance. The transportation options available for me for this task are the car, bicycle and train. Out of these three options, I favor the train to travel this reason.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Most significant invention of the last 30years - Internet [4]


Well, this sentence needs improvement because it needs to hook the reader. Have a shorter, yet interesting sentence to open your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 [8]

You need to improve on the structure. Follow this approach;
1. Introduce the graph (paraphrase the title of the graph, make sure you include the time frame if there's one)
2. Give an overview( state the main trend/ trends in the graph. Don't give detail such as data here)
3. Give the detail (Give details with reference to the data. Organize body paragraphs by grouping data together where there are patterns. Easiest way to do this is by identifying any similarities and differences)

Scholarship / Self introduction for graduate scholarship. [4]

I spent four years at University XX (university ranked first in Malaysia), pursuing my an honors degree in Electrical and Electronics Engineering and finally graduated with a 2nd upper Second Upper class honours degree in July 2012. During these four years, in addition to my involvement with university academics,my university career, I not only engaged in academics, butI also had myself engaged in extracurricular activities such as Robocon, . It iswhich is a competition where the participants need to design and build a few manual and automatic robots to carry out a certain givenassigned tasks .


.... do you really have to tell them about participation? How about telling them like this;
My involvement with Robocon helped me find my interest in programming, signal processing and communication.