Scholarship / The reason why I choose the Public Health course [4]

The first two paragraphs are irrelevant. The first, is because you are not really portraying any professional information to introduce your interest. The second, contains information over 5 years old, which means it is no longer up to date and cannot be used in such application essays. Truth be told, the actual information that the reviewer would earnestly want to learn about starts in the 3rd paragraph. So reformatting that to properly open the essay would help create a more relevant background / foundation for the reason you chose your proposed course/s.


Which are? Based on each university? Specifics are required and differences in learning focus, per university course offering would help. Each course has a stand out point that made you choose it. So base the reason for the university choice on the memorable or important learning points (as far as you are concerned). Remove the last sentence. Since you cannot attend both universities, you should not make such a confusing reference. Develop a different closing line.

Scholarship / Energy field - my proposed course and institution in Australia [2]

The reason for you proposed course must be similar to a motivation or career goal. The presentation does not have a career based relationship represented. Is there a government energy program being launched or that has been launched that you wish to participate in? If your focus is on energy based on your petroleum engineering background then present both an academic and professional reason for your course choices depending upon these apply to your career focus. Your first paragraph does not help your application at all due to the lack of applicable content/information in that section. After adjusting your reason for pursuing courses, revise your university selections based on academic qualifiers in relation to your future plans or current training needs. Your university choice reasons are as empty as your proposed reason for choosing the study courses at this point.

Graduate / Internship about famous places in the largest city of Vietnam [2]

Due to your redacted information, the sentences you wrote no longer make any sense. The paragraphs you present do not help take the reader on an imaginative ride. The whole paper is not effective in delivering information in relation to your internship. There is a lack of discussion outlining and content development in the overall presentation. You cannot expect me to review this paper and give you valid advice for its improvement because of the confusing presentation, missing information, and overall lack of coherent ideas within the presentation. Unless you are willing to properly develop this essay and present all of the information here, without omitting any information, I will be unable to help you fix this essay.

Scholarship / Master of Social Work and Psychology - AAS Supporting Statement [2]


Include information prior to Covid, during Covid, and a projection regarding GBV once the pandemic is lifted or within relaxed lockdown situations. Do not just focus on Covid-19 because your skills need to develop in preparation for the post Covid GBV scenario more than just GBV within the Covid 19 setting.


-Such as? These goals must be discussed as specific motivation factors that led to your decision to seek an MS certification as a professional in this field.


-Hyperbole. If you can relate your training to specific family protection programs of your country or in relation to women's rights / protection as it is applied in your country, the reference will be clearer and more relevant to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / A Look Into Climate Change Skepticism [2]


Provide a factual, evidence supported example of this climate change. A particular region of the world where the effect is clearly seen and mismanaged (perhaps) or addressed properly to the point where it has become controlled.


Such as? Why would these become irreversible? For more convincing effect, use one or two examples that could be best used as currently existing climate changes that we are having a problem overcoming.

Perhaps you can leave the political parties out of this discussion as politics doesn't really have a direct hand in the climate change discussion. There is no need to mention that the people who do not believe in climate change are Republican. It gives the research a political.


You lack evidence to support this claim in your essay. It does not need to be reflected in research papers yet. Just public opinion based on interviews your have done or seen on authoritative channels. Conspiracy theories need to have a basis and these need to be reflected in the presentation.

slant rather than an neutral representation of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / We need to take an action - daily diet and physical activities to reduce the number of obese kids [2]

The essay is based on your general knowledge about obesity and its effect on children. That is how the prompt paraphrase should have been presented, the reference to Michelle Obama along with her health program has nothing to do with the discussion. Why? This is not a research paper that requires you to offer information sources and verified information. This is based on a personal opinion. So the essay itself does not follow the correct format for the discussion. There is an overwriting in the essay that further pushed the essay farther from the original prompt requirements.

The essay need not have the quote from Mrs. Obama. You actually highlighted how you took more than 40 minutes to write this essay because of the researched quote and other data in the essay. All of which you cannot accomplish during the actual test. You need to be able to write using your own words and understanding of the proposed topic. This essay, though well researched, will not help you get a passing score in an actual test.

Scholarship / The graphs below show the enrolments of overseas students and local students in Australia universiti [2]

The lack of image makes the review of this essay difficult. Due to changes in company policy, I am now giving an incomplete review of your work. It is incomplete because you forgot to upload the image for the review. Kindly upload the image next time you post here.

The overview summary does not identify the type of graph you were provided with for review. The inaccuracy in the reference to a graph, a generalization, does not help add to the accuracy of your review. Identifying the type of graph (line, bar, pie, histograms to name a few) helps deliver the accuracy of your report as you deal with numbers and statistics in your presentation. The imaginary image that helps profile the information is not helped by the general reference. Referring to data below is not helpful since the assumption is that there is no image for reference. Hence the need for a precise description of the measurement source.

Writing Feedback / Proportion of water used for agriculture - writing task 1 test 1 in cam ielts practice [3]

How many pie charts were involved? Each pie chart, since you refer to it in plural form, covered a different aspect of measurement. Each pie chart should therefore, be described in relation to the information it represents and the trend for each chart image. It is the inaccuracy of your summary overview, as well short descriptions in the body paragraphs (3 sentences are a must to meet the minimum word count), that has led to your under writing of text in the presentation. With only 134 words presented, you will receive penalties for not meeting the 150 minimum word count. Thus ensuring that your presentation will not meet the minimum passing standards for the task 1 test.

Writing Feedback / Some people are regarded to be born with certain talents, and others are not [4]


This sentence has cut and paste / memorized phrases coming from the original presentation. The same word use will result in penalties for your work in the TA section as you are going to be seen as incapable of using word equivalents to help you explain the topic in your own words. Aim to change all of the keywords from the original in your prompt restatement to avoid such penalties.

The essay instruction is clear. This is a 3 format essay composed of 3 discussion paragraphs:
Public opinion 1
Public opinion 2
Personal opinion

In this presentation, your avoidance of pronoun usage portrayed the discussion solely from a personal point of view. Thus the essay will be considered and incomplete discussion and will only receive partial points, based on a personal opinion, which is the final paragraph presentation as far as the required format is concerned. Though the discussion is acceptable, there are still several errors covering various scoring considerations that will further pull down your score. One of the main and glaring errors in this presentation is the consecutive use of punctuation marks (comma and ellipses). This will definitely affect your GRA score as it shows a lack of sentence structure understanding on your part. You cannot use 2 punctuation marks successively. That is incorrect written grammar.

Writing Feedback / Everybody should travel since there are many clear advantages that traveling provides [3]

The first penalty that will applied to this writing pertains to the lack of word count. Out of the 250 minimum, you only provide an essay of 235 words. So the essay will begin its scoring mark with major deductions, without even considering the incomplete prompt restatement at that. Your prompt restatement does not properly represent:

- The topic
- Reason for the discussion
- Discussion instructions / question response.

The prompt restatement is always composed of a minimum of 3 sentences. You only used 1 incomplete sentence, that even had a missing punctuation mark at the end. So there are immediately 2 deductions at the very start:

- Prompt restatement inaccuracy
- GRA errors

Your summary conclusion is also only 23 words out of the suggested 40 words or 2 sentences for that section. You do not really reiterate the topic, your opinion, and supporting reasons in the end, which is the whole point of the reverse paraphrase section at the end.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-WRITING TASK 2 about Water Pollution (causes and effects) [2]

Did you time yourself when you wrote this essay? Assuming that you wrote 376 words before the 40 minutes where up, did you bother to check your essay for thought clarity, prompt adherence, and appropriate relevant examples from your own experience and knowledge, rather than research? I ask you this because these are the obvious problems in your presentation.

In the first paragraph, the second send sentence is lacking a subject reference. There is a reference to a reaction, but a lack of proper sentence development to include the target topic of the sentence. Then, there is also the lack of proper direct response to the 2 questions asked. It is always easier to simply restate the discussion instructions. However, that restatement fails to create the thesis statement for your paper, which is a required skill for a student seeking to study abroad. All personal opinion papers must come with a thesis statement in order to help direct the clarity of your opinion, and provide the discussion points for the body of the essay.

Your information refers to research, which means this is not based on commonly known information or your personal experience. Such research reference means you do not adhere to the prompt instruction that indicates:


So you will have altered the prompt discussion in that aspect. Additionally, the paragraphs lack a thorough discussion development based on the topics provided. You are under developing your discussions as you are more focused on providing reasons rather than explanations. The explanation is more important than the number of reasons since the original instruction indicates:


Reasons are supporting statements for a topic. You will always do better explaining a single topic fully, rather than relying on a long essay that only enumerates reasons, while failing to address the clarity of your opinion and strength of the discussion. Writing long sentences does nothing for your score when you have clear mistakes in writing that you failed to correct.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Counter Terrorism and Criminology Course (Australia Awards Scholarship) [2]

You need to relate your current position and position within the agency with your interests in the aforementioned courses. The information about terrorism and anti-terrorist stance of Indonesia helps inform the reviewer about the situation, but offers no clarity on why you would want to join the ranks of people who hold these masters degrees. Do not tell me that you hold a degree in Criminology. Tell the reviewer that. Then explain how the undergraduate certification you have lends itself to your current profession and its relevance to your course choices. For each course choice, it is not enough that you are interested in completing the course, you have to explain its applicability to your current role or targeted future position. A combination of both goals would be most useful in helping assess your reasons for the proposed courses.

Scholarship / How will Master of International Trade course contribute to my career - Australia Awards Scholarship [2]

Change the first paragraph to reflect that you will be changing your career path from foreign relations manager to foreign trade consultant. Indicate a connection between the two. Reflect on how your previous studies have prepared you for the change in career path prior to explaining why you believe that this career change is a necessary professional growth path you must undertake. It is important to set the balance between the past and current career interests in this case as the previous course must prove to be supportive of the change in career path. The career progression will help identify the contribution of the new studies to your new career path. An explanation of how you have maxed out your potential in the current field, thus requiring the career adjustment will also help set the tone for the contribution these studies will be making to your career.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Punishing children at an early age, agree or disagree? [2]

Your essay response format is incorrect. The prompt paraphrase and response to the direct questions have altered the response and discussion topics for the essay. Compare the following:

Original Topic: It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age.
Your Topic: Early education is the key to develop the future characteristics of children that help them decide what shall they do or not.

You are including information not found in the original prompt. This statement, which is a personal opinion unsupported by original data, altered the discussion topic to a slight extent.

Discussion Question 1: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Response 1: From my perspective, I will discuss rationales behind this viewpoint before showing why I disapprove this claim.

Where is the thesis statement giving the extent of your response to the question? You have changed the discussion target for the first question at this point.

Discussion question 2: What sort of punishment should parent and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?
Response 2: I will provide the efficiency punishment methods to educate the young for both parents and teachers.
You have not provided a direct response to the question that will help support your opinion. Your overall paraphrasing does not follow the correct format based on the original prompt requirements. Therefore, the TA score will not be helpful in terms of you getting a passing score with this presentation.

*Limited free review application due to specific review requirements requiring private consultation.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should have the opportunity to hold a part time essay [2]

If I were not to consider this based on Task 2 essay requirements, since you did not specify if you were writing this for a practice test, then I would have to say that you made a good effort in this writing task. You have shown an understanding of the topic and the reasons why you would want teenagers to work part time. It is almost as if you work part-time yourself. However, there are times when your thought presentation becomes unclear. Perhaps these are situations when you are uncertain as to the translation of your thoughts from your first language to your second language. There are also some spelling errors here and there in relation to words that, thought correct in usage, were spelled incorrectly. Not worry though, the reader knows what you meant to say.

* Limited free review presentation due to specific review requests covered by our private services.

Writing Feedback / On Travelling to DaLat Trip [2]

I would have to say that the format for the presentation is improper. You are using a poetry based format for a presentation that should be essay type. Due to the format situation, your presentation now has punctuation problems as poems are required to have specific punctuation marks that help to clarify the voice of the writer in the presentation. The writing is elementary enough in English usage. You wrote clearly and your narrative is easily understood. However, the presentation of this essay would have been better had it used the essay rather than poetry format. Perhaps you typed this up on your cellphone? That is why the format is different from if you had used a laptop or tablet to type it up?

Scholarship / ESP practitioner - TESOL and the prospect for my future career (AAS) [2]


This is not a definitive career goal. There is uncertainty in your presentation thus, making the contribution of the studies questionable in your presentation. Will it really be of help if you are not certain that you will be actually be able to apply what you learned? Exactly. Preciseness and clarity of information, confidence in your career plans as relevant to your studies is a must in this presentation. In truth, there are parts of the essay that come across as unclear and requiring proper editing and proofreading. It is almost an informative essay due to the confusing sentence parts. The essay can also use proper paragraph formatting on a professional level.

*Limited free review due to private editing requirements for the essay.

Writing Feedback / The graph illustrates carbon dioxide emitted per person on average, in four different countries [2]

The summary overview is a run-on presentation. The first sentence should have ended after the inclusive years were presented. The second sentence, referring to the measurement, is based on a different set of information. Hence, it requires its own sentence presentation. It is unrelated to the previous information so it cannot be presented using the word "and" due to thought clarity requirements.

There are points of criss-crossing information in the presentation between Sweden, Italy, and Portugal that should have been referred to in the essay as a part of analyzing the information in an important and notable manner. These points of intersection help show a true review of the image.

You tend to use run-on sentences throughout the presentation,causing undue stress for the reader. Expect this practice to reduce your GRA and C&C scores in the actual test due to the confusing / difficult to follow information presentation. Use more periods than commas to indicate a change in sentence idea or information presentation.

* Limited free review presentation due to band score requirements. Contact us privately for scoring needs.

Research Papers / The Importance of Destigmatizing Mental Health [2]

You have to remove the quote that is presented in the first paragraph. As a general rule, in-text citations are not permitted in the first paragraph as this is considered the introductory paragraph, leading into a thesis statement. No actual discussion is required at that point, only a personal insight from the writer. So having a quotation presented there does not serve much of a purpose. It would be better to also limit the use of citations since these could easily be spotted by plagiarism software as too dominant in the presentation, leading to a false positive plagiarism review from the system.

* Limited review presented. Contact us privately for a more detailed review of your paper.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Unsatisfactory job, shortage of money or Improve and try [4]

The prompt paraphrase reads as incomplete. There are several missing information that should have been presented. This was either caused by a lack of English proficiency, or an inability on the writer's part to clearly analyze the essay for restatement to the reader. There is no reason presented in the restatement based on the topic. Considering the presentation of the writer, there should have 2 reasons indicated in support of each point of view. These would have helped represent the thesis statement of the writer based on the reasons provided for his/her supported topic. There is a lack of proper restatement that would have covered:

- Topics
- Reasons
- Discussion instructions as integrated into the thesis statement/personal opinion of the writer.

* Limited free review due to essay scoring requirements. Contact us privately for accurate scoring reviews

Research Papers / What is Knowledge? - Answering the question - Rough Draft [2]


What research was conducted? How was it conducted? ho conducted it? What were the questions asked? How were these responded to? What was the survey pool for the research? How did this affect the outcome of the research? These are questions that should have been indicated in the first paragraph as a part of the introductory presentation. Do not rush into the discussion. Lay the groundwork/framework first. Present a real thesis statement rather than a straightforward question. As a college level paper, a higher level of writing standards need to be applied to this presentation. There is a clear weakness in the thesis development for this essay as it failed to represent the basis of the discussion before launching into a detailed presentation.

Now, if the essay is based solely on personal opinion and an understanding of knowledge based on personal understanding of other information, then the word "research" should not be used as it is a misrepresentation of the actual method of writing and developing opinions for the central topic in the presentation.

Research Papers / Revisions on my "Falconiforme Finesse" Research Essay [2]


Best at what? Being a bird of prey? Its majestic beauty when flying or perched on a tree branch? Best longevity? The question you pose is too vague. You need to be more specific. It won't hurt to spell out the information for the reader. It will help bring clarity to the research focus of your paper.


Explain why you decided to define the birds of prey as such. If you read this somewhere than explain why it was referenced as such. It does not really create a connection with the question you presented after this description so it may cause a disconnection in the presentation.

For your thesis statement, discuss what made you interested in seeking a response to this question. Why do you believe that this topic is an important discussion? What effect does the result of your research potentially have going forward? How do you see your research affecting the image of these birds within the context of your clarified question?

* Limited free review due to extensive revision review requirements. Contact us privately.

Essays / Essay about University entrance exams [2]

This type of essay needs to be written from a personal point of view. Consider your opinion based on the relevance of the entrance exams to your chosen career. Do you see it as a hindrance or a good assessment tool for your possible success in your chosen profession? The guide questions are there to help provide you with specific discussion points for an essay that has a maximum of 5 paragraphs. You may use some personal considerations such as the ability of exams to prevent talented but intellectually challenged people from entering their considered profession. For example, you can also refer to how the teaching methods are all theoretical in presentation, the same as exams, when there are some people who excel in a specific field based on practical skills and on the job learning as opposed to theoretical explanations. It will all depend upon what kind of learner you perceive yourself to be. Once you understand how you learn (theoretical or practical), then you will be able to properly address the guide questions for the essay.

Scholarship / Essay on Contribution of Proposed Study to Career Plan - AAS application for MBA Program [2]

You only gave a description of your career plan. There is no reference to how the learning at the university will help you achieve these plans. You have lost total focus on the important aspect of this discussion. That of how the studies apply to your future career plans. All I read was your career path, without a reference to how you will apply what you have learned, thus indicating the contribution of the studies to your career plan. Unless you can connect the importance of the courses and studies to your potential for career growth, then you have not responded to the prompt requirement. Needless to say, you have not accomplished that in this presentation. However, if this the presentation you want to submit, then go ahead and do so. I am offering unsolicited advice, you may do as you please with your essay.

Scholarship / Master's degree in transportation - proposed course and institution [3]

When you discuss the proposed courses, you need to reference your undergraduate studies, training seminars, or other professional exposure that have a direct relation to your interest in the course. Having a professional goal in relation to the course is good, however, proving that you have a fundamental understanding or a strong undergraduate foundation in relation to the proposed courses will be of more help in this presentation. The undergraduate training, aligned with your current professional exposure that exposed you directly to the problems you wish to solve by gaining advanced academic training will make the reason for choosing the course and the university clearer to the reviewer. You are not offering any information regarding your preparations to take this course, based on academic needs, professional targets, or national interest. This makes the essay less informative than it should be.

Undergraduate / Essay on your dreams and how u plan on achieving them and future plans (KAIST Application UG) [3]

You cannot imply that something is always on your mind, but then also, that you think about it once in a while. That is a conflicting statement. Either you are constantly engaged in these thoughts or, you sporadically think about it. There is no real professional ambition indicated in this essay, just a dream of studying abroad to be different from everyone else. That is not going to help your application. It just sounds like you want to be different, but for no reason. Nothing related to career plans, learning goals, or even a desire to get a better education. Your essay is too simplistic in approach. It does not carry information that would make you stand out. It is a forgettable essay that does not offer any implication for your dreams and reasons for wishing to pursue it with the help of KAIST. You should delete this and try to come up with a more definitive and informative essay. A definitive essay has a clear purpose based on your dreams. An informative essay presents your ideas for achieving your purpose.

Writing Feedback / Living in a media-rich society. Essay about the influence of the media on our lives. [3]

While other tutors advocate for the simple restatement of the discussion instructions in the prompt restatement, I have personally found, and my students who have passed their IELTS tests can attest to this, that it is always better to present a thesis statement, covering the discussion instructions instead. This is because the thesis statement shows how well the writer understood the prompt instructions, and offers an insight into what sort of discussion topics the writer will be using. Both of which are foundations for academic writing in UK and US colleges and universities. It shows how familiar a student is with the academic requirements of English speaking tertiary educational institutions. Your prompt restatement does not follow this format so it only shows the examiner that you can restate the prompt, but not really offer an early analysis and discussion of the topic, without going into details. This just proves that you are a good mimic, nothing more. It is the thesis statement that always boosts the score overall.

Research Papers / Analyzing Nurse Burnout. Who it effects? Reasons for it. Ways it Can Be Prevented [3]


Maybe, instead of just focusing on their departments, you can include their years of service, hours on the job per shift, allowed time off, and other factors in the survey? These also contribute to the burn out factor as far as I know.


Why? What is the ideal number then? Who proposed this ideal number?


Why are the laws rejected? Who proposes the laws? Give examples of the laws that were rejected and who supported it with reasons for doing so.

* Limited review due to length of the presentation. You may contact us privately at essayforum.com@gmail.com for a more extensive peer review.

Scholarship / PhD in Engineering (AAS Supporting Statement) [3]

You fail to depict your current work position in relation to your chosen courses. The tone of the essay makes it seem like you are a hobbyist rather than a professional involved in an important field. It sounds too amateur and does not carry a formal tone in the presentation nor information that would show the seriousness of your application. You also failed to identify specific courses at each university that you are interested in pursuing. You have to explain what the courses are and how these connect with your academic and professional needs. Be specific by discussing it per course at each university, not a collective reference. That style of presentation is forgetful, confusing, and lacking in substance as far as the reviewers are concerned.

Letters / Apology letter to neighbour [2]

This task requires a minimum if 150 words. You wrote only 134 words. This essay will get an automatic failing score because of the lack of words and the errors in LR / word usage, GRA, and coherence of the presentation. Tense usage is a clear problem as you merely say "In the morning" without referring to the actual day (Past or present). Then you indicated at first that you live in a building, but then say house, ending with an apartment. A building residence is an apartment, condo, tenement, or living space. A house is a stand alone structure that stands on land area. There is a difference in description and thus, incorrect word usage. These reasons alone are enough to prevent you from getting a failing score. You need to work on your word usage and vocabulary. Specifically, synonym usage to help you refer to the same word in different forms.

Scholarship / World Food Programme - FULBRIGHT STUDY OBJECTIVES [3]

Expand on the government food program discussion at the start. Remember that your background is different from the masters you wish to take. So you need to portray how this program influenced your decision to change your career focus. It is important to also, indicate some sort of relationship between your past studies or career focus and the present.


This seems to relate to the government program, you may want to further expand on this discussion not only by explaining how the food is imported, but how your training will actually help you address this problem. It would help if you an idea in mind about how you will go about this and discuss it in relation to this statement.

Overall, the essay has significant points presented. However, there is still room for improvement to create a more interesting presentation of the overall information requirements. You can start with the government program and revise the rest of the essay in relation to the program discussion.

Scholarship / Entrepreneurship and Innovation - [AAS] Why did you choose your proposed course? [3]

Not a bad response. It is straightforward, does not exaggerate, and keeps the focus on how the courses you have chosen will apply to your skills development. I believe this is one of the better written purpose essays that I have read here. The presentation itself lends an insight into how the skills you will develop relate to the plans that you have. It is clear enough to the reviewer. Just remember not to repeat the information when you write the future goals essay. From the looks of it, you still have more plans to discuss that you did not include here. Which will be a good thing going forward. I look forward to reading your other application response presentations. You can use this presentation as is.

Book Reports / What ideas are developed in To Kill a Mockingbird about the significance of individuals perspective [2]

It is heavily redundant. You need to define the significance of perspective from the start based on:
-Your personal definition
- The dictionary definition
- Characters definition ( several, not just one character)

It is too short because you do not provide a thesis statement in the opening paragraph. What will your focus be in the essay? Whose perspectives will you compare? Why do you think these should be the comparison partners? There are several ways you can go with this essay. The problem, is that you do not have a clear thesis topic at this point. If you use the outline I provided, along with the questions I posed, you should be able to develop a longer, more relevant introduction / thesis statement.

Scholarship / Why am I applying for Master of Data Science? Proposed course and institution (AAS Essay) [2]

Good job! Well developed, insightful, and forward projecting. It shows that you have given a great thought to your course choice and, quite specifically, how the university training programs will prove to be beneficial to you as a person seeking additional theoretical and technical training. The way you present the information is good. However, you may want to clarify what sort of technician you are and what instruments you specifically maintain to prove that you also make a contribution to the prediction phase. If you can expand your presentation regarding the relevance of your study to your current position, then it will be easier for you to discuss your future career goals in later essays.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is more important to set realistic goal than ambitious goals. [4]

Your essay would have been clearer to the reader, with a clearer reference to the original prompt if, within your response, you were able to integrate your current final sentence in this presentation. A clear and straightforward offering of your opinion would have clearly set the tone for the succeeding discussion and kept it more on track. You of course, would need to have done that within a properly reworded paragraph. Launching into you own definition of goals, you actually strayed from the 2 types of goals that were originally presented. This created a rambling statement that did not really connect with the original prompt. Although a prompt restatement is not required in a TOEFL test, staying on topic, based on provided discussion points, is still a requirement.

Most of your paragraphs are long and have a point, for the most part. There is a problem with your opinion presentation because you lack clearly supported explanations via valid examples. As is a common problem among students taking these English tests, there is a tendency for you to simply keep giving reasons, but not really building up those reasons with believable explanations. The score for the TOEFL test is based on the clarity and connection of your discussions. There are points within your presentations when the clarity is obscured by the lack of explanation due to your desire to present reasons, rather than explanations in the essay. This essay presentation might still get a passing score in an actual setting, however, it will be a mere passing score. That means that it passed only by very little consideration, which, will affect the types of schools that you would be able to apply to. The lower the score you get, the lesser known schools you can apply to. Focus on reasoning and discussion, rather than reasoning topics alone in your practice tests.

Scholarship / Political science - [AAS] Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [5]

You are too focused on a single course and school within the ANU system. The requirement for this application indicates a 2 course and university choice. So your essay does not meet the requirements for the application. You need to revise the essay after you have completed your research of universities that might have masters course offerings in line with your professional goals or academic needs. As of now, the essay is wordy and informative, but falls short of the application requirement of 2 universities. You should do your best to meet the minimum standards first, then come back here and have your essay reviewed again. At that time, I should be able to better review your essay in relation to application considerations. Right now, you are limiting your application consideration due to the single university and course consideration that you have presented.

Writing Feedback / The widely held opinion is that some governments are investing too much money in the arts [2]

Your response to the prompt question is incorrect. As you can see below:

OQ: To what extent do you agree with this view?
Response: Those who think that the funding of the arts fields could be used for other purposes are greatly mistaken.

The question is in relation to your agreement or disagreement with the given opinion (I strongly agree, partially agree, greatly disagree, totally disagree). It not related to the issue of whether the opinion is correct or incorrect. As such, the essay clearly shows that you misunderstood the prompt for the discussion and as such, strayed from the given discussion instruction. So, your response format is now incorrect, thus ensuring that your TA score will start under a failing score. Once the TA score is failing, it is near impossible to reverse the failing score trend in the essay. This singular error could result in a totally failed overall score due to other errors present in your written presentation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: We should not allow children to play games. Below reasons and examples [3]

There are different rules for writing the TOEFL test that vary from the IELTS format. Though the two tests may share prompt questions, that does not mean that they need to use the same discussion format. The difference is that the IELTS test requires a thesis statement presentation or, as in this case, a presentation of the discussion instructions. The TOEFL test, requires a direct opinion discussion in the first paragraph. You don't even have to restate the prompt at this point, just make sure to discuss the topic with clarity and conviction. Your presentation follows the IELTS format rather than the TOEFL format. Keep the difference in mind next time you do a practice essay.

In the reasoning explanation, you said your cousin does not live in reality anymore, you have to follow that up with an explanation. Why did you say that? How does it relate to the video games argument? Since that is a totally stand alone presentation, it is best to discuss it in another paragraph. That way you can always use explanations to the hilt, making sure your opinion is clearly explained and represented with supporting facts.

Your writing is acceptable and shows a clear understanding of the given prompt. It has good supporting statements, but these could still use some work due to the lack of explanation for one reference point that you presented.

Writing Feedback / I agree with the statement that it's more important to set the realistic goals than ambitious goals [3]

You do not really need to count out your discussion paragraphs. An academic opinion paper uses topic sentences rather than ordinal numbers for the presentation. That is because your discussion paragraphs need to be connected through transition sentences, or a sentence that will connect one topic to another in the next paragraph. Thus showing a clear academic discussion ability that is required of college students in UK and US schools. Topic sentences better support your presentations rather than word fillers and place holders such as ordinals.

The TOEFL test does not require a concluding paragraph in its presentation. The use of phrases such as "In conclusion" is less effective in this test. Rather, a clear discussion wrap, without making it obvious that it is a conclusion, would be better appreciated. Rather than saying "In conclusion", it would be better to simply use a concluding topic sentence or phrase. For example you could have said "All things considered..." or "As one considers these discussion points..."

Writing Feedback / The main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species [2]


Incorrect sentence structure. A comma, rather than a period is required in this presentation as the current prior sentence lends itself, based on its structure, to additional information being presented due to the presence of the word "While" which refers to a period of interval or time between thoughts.

The structure requires a general reference to other points of view due to the reference to "some people" and "others". Therefore, there needs to be 2 third person pronoun paragraph references prior to a full first person pronoun reference discussion. This shows the comparative format (for the first 2 points of view) and the personal opinion (third paragraph). You need to expand the discussion of your personal opinion as it should either support one of the two given statements or, result in a totally different discussion. That is why you cannot present your personal opinion as a single sentence in the concluding summary.

While you will still get a score for this presentation, it will not be as high as it could have been, had you used the proper format for the discussion presentation.