Graduate / Letter of Intent/Essay for DNP-FNP Admission! [2]

JG, you need to properly group your essay in the manner indicated by the prompt in order to create a smooth explanation of the respective prompt requirements. You do not need the lengthy introduction that you wrote at the start of this essay because it does not help you move the responses along in line with the prompt. Reviewers better appreciate the responses that go direct to the point rather than beating around the bush. The first prompt is about the description of your goals for electoral study. Therefore, the second and 4th paragraphs should be presented at the top of the essay instead of separately. That means, paragraph 4 now becomes paragraph 1 because it carries a good introduction to your goals for study. Then paragraph 2 remains as such. Only this time, you have to revise it to better gel with the new first paragraph.

The research translation area that you are interested in should have a connection with your career goals. That is because the ultimate purpose of any advanced study is to improve your career path. The research translation area should therefore, indicate your motivation for this research, how it fits with your current job description, why you feel that you have a solid foundation in this path of research, and where you ultimately see this research taking your career in the future. Presenting the information that way allows you to smoothly connect the research with your future career.

Writing Feedback / Happiness is now and here. To what extent do you agree with this statement [4]

Nguyễn, the only problem with your essay is the manner that you presented your opening statement and concluding paragraph. The way you reasoned out in the essay is good. You were clear, understandable, and did not cause any stress on the reader because you have enough of a grasp of the English vocabulary to create coherent and cohesive sentences / explanations. You are not scored on the strength of your answers so you don't need to worry about that. You are however, scored heavily on your English language abilities. That is what you should focus on and that is what you did well in this essay.

That said, your opening statement lacks some informative points. While it does meet the sentence minimum of 3 sentences, you need to be clear about what the facts are based on the original prompt. From your presentation, it appears that there are two points of view being mentioned in the original prompt. While this is an emotional, extent essay, you must include a description of both points of view before you indicate the strength of the opinion that you support in the essay. That will show that you were analytical in your approach and will also increase the Task Accuracy score since you covered all of the important information for presentation in the essay.

The fact that you knew to stick to one topic as the overall body of paragraphs discussion is a feather in your cap. You actually understood the requirements of the discussion and delivered accordingly. Good job. I will not fault any of your reasons because these are to be based on your own opinion and therefore, is not included in the scoring consideration. What you were scored on instead, was your ability to make yourself understood to the reader. Something that you did with aplomb.

Now, never go for the simple paragraph presentation in the conclusion. The conclusion is a strong part of the TA scoring consideration and is your last chance to impress the reviewer. Therefore, do not go for the run-on single sentences as others mostly advice. My students have always scored highly in their own tests because they always use the maximum 5 sentence allowance per paragraph in their opening and closing statements. That is their final chance to show off the fact that they can use a variety of English sentence structures and also provide the final instance of grammar ability in their essay. So don't squander it by writing just one long summary sentence. Use it to its full potential. Properly summarize the discussion by doing the following:

1. Restating the prompt
2. Summarizing the important reasoning points from the body of paragraphs
3. Close the statement

From this list of 3, you will find that, appropriately written, you will easily cover the 5 sentence maximum requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: you work at home and have a problem with the equipment that use for job, write letter to supp [5]

June, I would have appreciated it if you had given the instructions for writing this letter along with your post. I need to know if you properly referenced the requirements of the instructions or if you have some errors in the presentation. I feel that there is an error in the dating of this letter because you require all of the work to be done on the same day of the submission of the letter, before 12 noon. That is impossible because the work that has to be done on the hard drive will take at least 2 weeks to accomplish. That is why I think that you have not properly written the letter. The most important aspect of this letter is a reference to having called the help center in order to have assistance in remote retrieval of the files on the hard drive. You did not reference that in the letter. You just did the most basic recovery methods on your own, without guidance. You also did not mention if this particular problem is covered by their warranty and what makes you believe that. Alongside that, you neglected to mention where you bought the hard drive and when. Simply saying 3 months ago is insufficient. You must indicate that you will be including your receipt along with the letter in order to prove that the item is still covered by the warranty. There are a number of inaccuracies in this letter that make it hard to consider it for a passing score. While the grammar is acceptable, the presentation leaves many questions for the reader.

Writing Feedback / Foreigners should adapt the host country's customs and tradition when settling in [4]

Can, the main problem with your essay is not that you did not accurately represent the opening statement (I will get to that later). The biggest problem of your essay is that it clearly shows a lack of English comprehension skills because you did not discuss the essay according to the prompt instructions even though you properly responded to it in the thesis statement of your first paragraph presentation.

This is an "emotional" essay that discusses the "extent", another term for it would be "degree", of your agreement or disagreement with a given topic. You used the word "strongly" to discuss your opinion on the topic provided. That is good. It is an appropriate response as it indicates a degree of support for one side of the discussion. One side of the discussion. That is where your essay fell apart.

In a proper discussion of this essay, you would have used the 3 body paragraphs to present, explain, and offer an acceptable example in support of your reason within the 3 paragraphs. You would have represented each topic in one paragraph each. You would not have discussed two sides within the body because the instruction given was not "Discuss both points of view". You were clearly asked to pick one point of view to present and discuss based on the word "OR". The word "or" means there is an alternative response to be chosen. Therefore, pick only one and strongly discuss the side that you support. Not both.

Going back to the problem of your opening statement. Each time that you opt to use a run-on sentence, as you did in this essay, to represent a discussion, you will lose points. Specifically, your GRA and C&C sections will suffer severely from this mistake. A proper paragraph is always at least 3 sentences short, 5 sentences long. It is not one long sentence like the one you wrote. So how should you have written that paragraph? Let me see...

Every country has its own set of customs and traditions. Therefore, people who move to a new country in order to reside there must assimilate the new social culture they are living in. I strongly agree with this statement for a number of reasons.

While you did appropriately respond and represent the original prompt. Doing so in only one sentence meant that you did not pursue the possibility of gaining a higher TA, C&C, GRA, and LR score. Look at the obvious differences between your presentation and mine. Whose version offers the examiner an opportunity to get to know my English understanding abilities? Which paragraph represents a stronger grasp of English vocabulary use? Whose explanation of the discussion topic is clearer and stronger in presentation? Exactly. Always aim for a presentation that will fully utilize the available scoring criteria rather than going for the quick fix. The quick fix means you get the job done, but you don't get the maximum possible score out of it.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Computational Mechanic Master Degree in Germany [2]

Regina, since you are applying for acceptance to study a masters degree course, there are two things irrelevant in your presentation. Your gender is irrelevant, your college saga is also irrelevant. Your college accomplishments are not notable because they did not bring you any recognition or awards. You are basically just presenting a run of the mill essay here that will lose the reviewers interest within the first minute of reading your essay. How can you turn this around? By introducing relevant information from the very start. Information such as:

1. Kick off with a mention of the masters course you wish to enroll in and why you think your college studies, as well as your professional experience have made you a suitable candidate for this course.

2. Why this university? Beyond the obvious information that you researched, what actually drew you to become interested in what this university and this course has to offer? What specific courses, professors, and programs offered by this university align itself with your idea of the appropriate academic training one must gain from this course?

3. Discuss how prepared you are for the demands of this course. Specifically in the field of research and/or internship. Let them know that you are a person who is keen on doing research and putting your new abilities to good use via their internship programs with various architectural firms (finding a specific firm connected to the university will show that you did your homework.)

4. Why do you believe that you can thrive at this university despite the language barrier, the differing cultures, and a required cultural adjustment on your part?

5. Remember to close the essay by letting the reviewer know that this is your first choice university because your future career goals can only be turned into a reality provided you receive the required training from this university in particular.

The above guidelines will help you formulate a new and properly aligned personal statement for your masters degree application. Since this is no longer a college personal statement, you need to elevate the information that you will be sharing by focusing more on your professional aspect in relation to your personal desire to acquire higher learning.

Undergraduate / Where is Waldo question for UChicago's application process [3]

Syed, in my opinion, this is a highly enlightening response to "Where's Waldo?" It is analytical and calls for self reflection, which is not always the approach that is taken with this essay by the applicants. I like its philosophical approach to the question. You show a degree of intellect that indicates you will be a "high brow" student UChicago should you get in as a student. I would like to strengthen the essay though, and remove the redundancy, by having you consider removing paragraph numbers 4 and 5 so that you manage to hold on to the interest of the reviewer, who at this point is surely interested in reading what you have to say. By hitting him with the epiphany sooner rather than later, you maintain the strength of your presentation and close it on a strong note while the reviewer is still impressed by your presentation. You need to avoid his being affected by the potential of the aforementioned 2 paragraphs to become redundant in the presentation.

Graduate / ESSAY FOR ERASMUS MUNDUS REVIEWS AND SUGGESTIONS - MFAMILY MASTERS [2]

Smriti, this is an overly informative essay. I have to say that you have told an extremely compelling tale of the plight of women and children in Nepal. The only problem is, you did not clearly indicate what the main motivation for your interest in a masters degree is. You only gave an autobiography for yourself but you did not satisfy the main requirements of the motivational letter. So you have to delete this letter and write a new one that is better suited to the requirements of the Erasmus Mundus scholarship motivation letter. How will you do that?

Give a history of and a description of your current profession. Explain what you see as an area of immediate concern in this particular field. Describe how this motivated you to pursue higher learning. These are the information for your first paragraph and the foundation of your motivation.

The second paragraph, should explain why you have chosen a particular program in relation to your application. How does this relate to your motivational concerns? Describe how you see this course helping you create a better response to the pressing problems of this field. Be specific about the courses, training programs, and other information that will relate your masters course to your current or future profession.

For the third paragraph, you need to get specific about the qualities that you can bring to the program in terms of your personal traits, community interests, social activities, and other similar discussions. This is the part where you can mention some specifics that you feel help you stand out as a person among your peers or what they admire about you which you think will help to improve program.

By the 4th paragraph, you should be able to explain how your academic and professional background has prepared you to become the perfect candidate for your chosen masters course. What course did you study in college? Were there any notable accomplishments that you had during that time? Did you take the lead on any academic or professional projects that would tie in with your perceived abilities as required by this course?

Think long and hard about what special traits you have as a person and as a student for the final paragraph. Make sure to highlight your strongest personal points and skills either as a professional, friend, family member, or all of the 3. This is your chance to make sure that you allow yourself to stand out from the other applicants so make sure that you utilize this paragraph to the best of your abilities.

After you have accurately presented the above information, then you can close the letter on a hopeful note. One that indicates an excitement at the opportunity of becoming a part of such a prestigious scholarship program.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: Explain How You Responded To A Problem [3]

Massin, this is a simple and impressive situational response. However, it is not impressive enough because the situation you presented lacks depth. That is why you were give 200 words to work with in this essay. The situation you have to present should showcase a number of things that helps to indicate your preparedness to attend college. You have to tell a story that portrays your ability to deal with an unexpected situation by allowing the development of maturity in the individual or the development of a useful character trait. What you indicated shows how you were able to deal with a situation because you were prepared for it by your college Spanish classes. So no surprise there, you were equipped to handle the situation. That is not what we are looking for here. We are looking for evidence of how you handle situations beyond your control either because you are unprepared, lack the ability or equipment to deal with situation, or you are in a situation that you know is beyond the area of your expertise. How do you handle sudden changes or situations you cannot control? These would give the reviewer a better idea as to how you might handle possible stressful situations as a college student who is being immersed in a demanding and unfamiliar situation for the first time.

Writing Feedback / A letter to the homestay host family. Ielts task 1. [3]

SG, I think you have a 5.5-6 letter here. You covered all of the bases in terms of representing the instructions you were provided. The letter was informative, casual, and easy on the eyes. Sure you had a few grammar and sentence structure missteps along the way which affected the final scoring consideration. It still did not diminish the effectiveness of what you wrote. Another problem with the letter is that you wrote 251 words when the advisable word count for this 20 minute test is no more than 200 words, no less than 150. This is another reason why I had to reduce the score of your essay. The reason you went overboard with the word count is because you used too many words in the opening statement. A simple opening salutation, then a single sentence acknowledging their letter would have been more than sufficient. When you are under a word and time limit, you need to make sure to keep everything about the presentation short but informative.

Writing Feedback / Motivation Letter for European Master in Law & Economics Programme [2]

Adil, you must remove the dialogue at the start of the motivation letter. This is a formal letter requesting for the consideration of your motivations in relation to your application for admission to the course. This is not a creative writing exercise for a narrative story. You are dealing with professors and graduates of the program who are considering your ability to conduct yourself in a professional manner. So the opening method you chose, though attention getting, is inappropriate for the audience that the essay will be presented to. It would be in the best interest of your letter if you revise the letter by using only the most relevant parts because this current version is a mix of a personal statement, a motivation letter, and an SOP. You need to present only the motivation parts. Your clearest motivation is the scenario that you presented with the dialogue. Revise that into an explanatory statement instead that goes something like this:

During my time working as XX as a XXX, I came across a situation wherein I XXX. This motivated my interest in XXX...

My motivation led me to read the authoritative works of the economic masters such as .... I found that I still thirsted for more knowledge in the field of... and this led me to the EMLE program at XXX

From that point, you can describe what parts of the program appeal to you the most and why. These would be best represented by the following:

I would like to follow the Track on Corporations and Regulators ... regulation of Financial Markets.

At Schlumberger, I realized ...go on learning Polish.

Try to develop the portion about the international experience brought by studying in a new country each semester. That is a mere passing mention in your motivation letter when it should be one of the driving forces behind your motivation to attend this program.

Writing Feedback / My reaction to this article [3]

Marcin, since you are writing an opinion paper, you must include the title of the article, the source, the publication date, and the name of the author in your introduction. Otherwise, the reader will not have any idea what you are talking about. You have to introduce an overview of the article in relation to the objective of your opinion paper as well. Since the reader will most likely not have any access to the original article, a summarization of the original report prior to your opinion would make this opinion paper a bit stronger than it is now.

In reference to the way that you are constantly posing questions in the essay and then answering the same, kindly limit that action on your part. Since this is an opinion paper, you need to present all discussions in a matter - of - fact manner rather than a question and answer format. This is because you are required to sound authoritative in the paper and using anything other than a direct response to specific elements of the previous report tends to lessen the impact of your opinion. By the way, please don't use exclamation points in your presentation. This is still an academic paper and should respect the reader at all times. Don't shout because that is not required. Keep an academic and respectful tone at all times.

Overall though, you did a pretty good job in developing your opinion paper. Sure, there were some grammar errors , such as you having used the term passive when it should have been passively. These are negligible because it did not affect the direct meaning of the sentence or paragraph. You have a pretty good grasp of English language usage so your errors in vocabulary and sentence structure are minimal enough to be ignored. Good job.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Information Technology MSc program in Germany [3]

Samer, your motivation letter suffers from Too Much Information. You need to whittle it down to only the required information. As the title of the essay goes, this is a motivation letter so you should not veer off course by presenting information about your education and other irrelevant data. Those should be saved for your SOP. In this motivation letter, you may use paragraphs 3 and 4 as the basis of your revised letter. The motivation letter is not expected to be extremely long and informative. This is only a cover letter after all, so presenting 2-4 paragraphs that clearly explain your motivation to apply for the course and the reason why you chose the university will be more than enough to fulfill the needs of a motivation letter. That is, unless you were given a specific set of prompts to respond to in the motivation letter. If you were, then you should have given a copy of the required information along with this letter for review. If you were not given a set, then use the paragraphs I indicated earlier to help you create a more focused, on topic motivational letter for your application. You don't need to present too much information. You just need to present the correct information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Should women join the army? Just like men do. [3]

Peter, the score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4 because, while you presented a position in the opening statement, the rest of the discussion is unclear. Your ideas are not really on point. The discussion is neither here nor there in reference to the discussion and the information that you present is not well supported. I will grant that you presented information in your essay but the first paragraph, about the men who sacrifice personal desires does not really relate to the discussion. Then you discussed some issues about workplace discrimination, which does not directly relate to the discussion about women in the military. These discussions were incoherent and and did not help create a progressive response in your discussion. Your vocabulary is acceptable but unfortunately, doesn't relate to the prompt discussion you were presented with. You also use connecting words such as "And" to start your sentence in the conclusion, which shows a lack of sentence structure and grammar usage knowledge on your end. Before I forget, your opening paragraph comes in under the required minimum of 3 sentences. The creation of the run-on sentence for the second sentence shows that you need to work on your sentence structure requirements. Remember the paragraphs need to have at least 3 sentences, no less. The bottomline is, you have the right thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph, but the whole essay doesn't create a proper context for the discussion along the lines of the prompt requirements. There are other essays here based on the same topic. I suggest you read those examples and learn from the advice that was given to your predecessors so that you can learn what kind of response is expected for this kind of prompt discussion. Just click on the similar discussions button to get access to the similarly themed essay samples.

Graduate / Help me revise my answers to the 5 questions asked by the UMSI（User Experience Program） [3]

Chenyang, your responses to certain questions are off course. You are not portraying the image of a person who has a particular career path that he wishes to pursue, which is why he is intent on enrolling in the UMSI. The focus of your responses need to be on the mark with regards to the questions that are being asked. That is where the main problem of your presentation lies. Let me present the problems with your responses on a per question basis.

What are the critical issues in the field of information?
- You responded, in a nutshell, companies that deal with online media need to learn how to better assess reader preferences. That is not a critical issue in this field. A critical issue response would be "While online shopping has its benefits, it also opens the user up to potential security threats. While the users are enjoying their shopping experience, a backdoor virus, unknown to the company may already be hard at work collecting the information of the shopper which destroys the credibility of the company and the user experience. That is why I consider client record security one of the critical issues in the field of information." That is an example of a critical issue response in short form. After presenting the introduction to the topic, a longer explanation should be given in paragraph form. Think of something critical in the field of YT and Roku. Maybe consider the lag time that often happens when a user has a low powered computer or slow internet. A critical issue could be how to provide uniform services to all users regardless of hardware and speed considerations. That is a critical issue these days because of the premium being placed on internet speed as part of reliable internet access.

What are your aspirations in the field of information?
- The response should not be a general information type of thing. Don't say I could work in so and so or at there and there, maybe even in this and that. Be specific. What are your aspirations? An example of the response is "I aspire to create the next social media website that will change the face of the internet in a manner that Facebook did. In my social media website though, people will be connected through the movies that they view and their movie genre interests." Or something similar. Then you can discuss why you have these aspirations. What the motivating factors are and why this is something that you want to turn into a reality.

What is your understanding of the School of Information?
- Unless your friend is a notable student at the university, you better not use him as a reference in this essay. Your friend's name, his accomplishments in the program, and the similarities between the two of you do not matter to the reviewer. You need to discuss this from a stand alone point of view based upon what you understand about the program requirements and demands it makes upon the students. Then you have to describe why these characteristics of the School of Information, and the program specifically appealed to you.

As far as I am concerned, these are the aspects of the SOP that you need to repair because they do not properly or fully respond to the prompt requirements. By the way, just because the questions were given in bullet points does not mean that you should be presenting your responses in the same manner. You need to present your responses in properly developed, connected, and transitioned paragraphs in order to create a smooth flowing statement of purpose that is easy for the reviewer to read.

Writing Feedback / The only space available for building new homes is generally in the countryside [4]

Kardy, is this essay meant for a Task 2 essay or a Direct Question essay? My review of your paper will depend upon the type of prompt that you were provided in the original presentation for the discussion. Based on a direct question approach, your opening paragraph is somewhat acceptable. Acceptable because you immediately responded to the prompt at the end of the paragraph, creating a strong thesis statement. Unacceptable because your opening paragraph does not accurately paraphrase the opening statement for the benefit of the reader. You have people arguing in your presentation when no such information can be found in the original prompt.

As a task 2 essay, your opening paragraph is unacceptable because it includes a discussion of information not included in the original prompt (argument) and, it does not accurately sum up the discussion instruction you were given. A more appropriate Task 2 opening paragraph would have been:

There are areas where a need for new residential places cannot be avoided. Sadly, the only available space to build these homes happens to be in the country. This poses a problem because there is a sector of the general public that believes the provincial areas need to be protected rather than developed as a residential community. In this essay, I will be discussing my point of view regarding this topic.

In my opinion, the development of rural places can be planned and managed better...

Note the accuracy by which I represented the elements of the original prompt. That is the whole purpose of the first paragraph of the Task 2 essay. While your body of paragraphs were appropriate, the TA mistake that you created in the first paragraph would have severely limited your score. Additionally, the concluding paragraph has a run-on sentence that violates the C&C ruling that requires a complete paragraph be created for each topic presentation so that an appropriate judgement of your C&C and GRA skills may be made. By using run-on sentences, you will severely lower your scores in these sections as well. Although, your LR score will be pretty decent because you should a grasp of intermediate English vocabulary which should help the reviewer better assess your English abilities in terms of written discussion presentation.

Undergraduate / "Stan... is something else" - UBC Personal Profile : Describing myself [2]

Stanslous, your second sentence is a run on. It is also too long. Divide that presentation into 2 sentences instead. Then remove the reference to jumping out of the plane because that is coming from your personal, first person point of view rather than from your friends or family members. Remember, the first half of the essay is all about how other people see you so the first person pronoun should not be used in this instance. Third person presentations would be more appropriate because it allows you to describe yourself from the pov of others.

You don't get to speak in the first person until the last part of the prompt response that asks you to describe the thing you are most proud of. Again, you responded to it as a run on sentence, which makes it difficult to follow and also makes it harder to understand. Don't try to get your message across in one breath. You need to space out the sentences so that the reviewer has the opportunity to really pay attention to what you are saying and analyze it. When you write extra long sentences, you remove that chance from the reviewer and thus, you cause the weakening of your response statement.

Undergraduate / Lafayette's rigorous economics program emphasizing on the global contemporary issues attracts me. [2]

Hien, do not close this essay with a question. Are you seriously expecting the reviewer to respond to you? This is not a casual conversation, this is a formal interview in written form. Closing with a question gives this a casual tone that is not acceptable in an academic setting. Remove that question. That makes your essay sound over confident and condescending upon the reviewer.

You have focused too much on the academic reasons for attending Lafayette. You neglected to show that you are going after a well rounded education that shows a social development alongside your professional network creation. Revise the essay to include some social reasons as to why you chose the university. Also, this particular line doesn't make sense so you have to rewrite it in a form that is understandable:

which use interdisciplinary aspect of an economics to solve contemporary problems locally toward globally

Did you mean "economics" without the "an" before it and "on a local to a global scale" instead?

Writing Feedback / Why we are producing more and more rubbish? Most of the waste are the plastic bags. [6]

Tanmay, this is not a direct question essay therefore your opening paragraph presentation is not appropriate as you immediately started the discussion in that paragraph when you were not supposed to. In a Task 2 essay, of which this is, you are only to present the thesis statement and discussion instruction, along with the paraphrased topic for discussion the opening paragraph, without any additional information. Therefore, the presentation should have been:

Over the past recent days, it appears that man has been creating more garbage. I believe that there is a reason for this occurrence and that the bureaucracy can do something about this problem. In this essay, I will discuss a number of reasons as to why this is happening and how it can be possibly resolved.

One of the main reasons that you will run out of time to write this type of essay in the actual test center is because you are training yourself to use researched information in your paper. Do not use researched information during your practice test because there is no internet access at the testing center so you will not be able to look for additional information for your discussion. Rely only upon what you know, understand, and have experienced regarding the question posed.

There are no right or wrong answers in this essay which is why you do not need to do research. You merely need to defend your stance in English in the best way that you know how. The aim of this test is to prove that you can write in coherent English, nothing more, nothing less. So just aim for an understandable paper rather than an information accurate paper.

The essay should also cover a complete 5 paragraph presentation as that is the standard format for this paper. You should also avoid continuing the discussion of the essay in the conclusion because the reasons and evidence should only be within the 3 body paragraphs. The last paragraph is the summation of your discussion and closing of the essay. When you discuss information in the closing paragraph, you present an open ended essay which means your discussion format is wrong and you have no closing statement for the essay so you will lose points for that as well.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: Tell us about who you are? [2]

Warisha, this is a very uninteresting essay because you practically approached it from a bullets presentation in a question and answer format. You have got to expand on all of the discussions that you are presenting in this essay. Nothing is ever matter of fact in a college application essay. You need to make sure that you inform the reviewer with not only facts but expanded explanation as well. Simply stating a fact doesn't tell him anything about who you are and why you became the way that your parents or friends view you. Liven up the essay. Use an engaging narrative that will show you off as an interesting person with a life that has been actively lived and developed thanks to the influence of the people around you and what you learned from them either because it was a positive influence they had on you or because you wanted to change something about the way that they were trying to influence you in a manner that you did not appreciate. Basically, you need to show the reviewer the various facets of your personality in this interview based upon how you interact with and why you interact with these people in a particular manner. I would omit the storyteller part of this presentation and focus more on the open mindset and empathy aspect because that is something that is more interesting and an important trait that a college student should have.

Undergraduate / "A different language is a different vision of life". My vision of life changed in the USA [3]

Marta, what exactly is the prompt that you are responding to? I don't really understand what the point of this essay is because you forgot to include the prompt requirement with it. Before I can comment on the content and how you can possibly improve on it, I first need to know what it is that you are being required to establish in this essay. As I have no idea what it is that you are expected to discuss in this essay, it will not be possible for me to review your essay in terms of whether it looks good, applies to the discussion, and how strong it might be in the point of view of the reviewer. If you provide me with the prompt statement first, maybe I can come back and offer you some solid advice regarding the content and look of the paper. Right now, I don't think it is right to point out grammar mistakes and offer corrections because the content of the essay is subject to change based upon the prompt requirements and possible problems with your response in relation to it.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: Why Lafayette? [4]

Inés, the biggest question would be "Why Lafayette for your college major?" You have to explain why you chose the university based upon your academic motivations, learning considerations, and personal growth. These are the 3 main considerations that a foreign student must have when considering an out of the country college or university for attendance. More importantly, the reason why you feel that, as a foreign student living on campus, you will be able to perfectly blend into the student community. Saying that you want to follow in your sister's footsteps isn't really going to impress the reviewer. It just makes it seem like you are imitating your sister in your choice of college or university. Saying that you researched liberal universities tells the reviewer that Lafayette is not your first choice university, which makes it insulting to learn and could affect your application. Try to avoid these information in the presentation of your essay. You could tank your application in the process. You can try discussing your choice of Lafayette based upon your major of choice and what makes Lafayette stand out as an academic institution of choice in this field. Like I said, you could also decide to use the first 3 sets of information in the revised essay if you wish to. This current essay isn't really going to impress the reviewer in my opinion because it doesn't deliver on the choice information that will show how you decided to enroll at Lafayette over the other universities. This has to sound like your first choice university even if it isn't.

Undergraduate / Transfer Application: Community college to VA Tech [2]

Sahar, the most effective transfer application essay always contains a comparison of the education that you received in your previous institution to your enhanced academic interests and career objectives. Basically the strongest consideration in these instances are moments of change in academic interests or an increased educational requirement that can no longer be accommodated by your current institution. I don't get a sense of that in this essay. All I get is the idea that you think you can do better at VA Tech but you don't really explain why your current university doesn't cut it for you anymore. The prompt clearly states that you need to have valid reasons for your desire to change universities. Your response doesn't really explain that. It isn't enough that you prefer VA now over your other institution. You have to qualify your reason in acceptable terms first. These acceptable terms always go back to the sense of your current university being insufficient in terms of your overall academic and extracurricular needs. Simply feeling accepted by the VA Tech community of students is not enough reasons for them to accept your explanation as to why you want to transfer. A campus visit that you enjoyed isn't an acceptable reason either. You need to go for more educated and obviously thought out and developed reasons for your transfer reasons.

Graduate / My never-ending search for learning. Scad Graduate Admission Statement of Purpose [3]

Marcela, while this essay showcases your high regard and interest in your major, there is no real accomplishment to prove that you have been an outstanding student in the course of your academic undertaking. You do not refer to high levels of grades, recognitions, or even notable projects that caught the eye of your teachers. It appears that you are heavy on the academic side but weak on the professional side. This has created an imbalance in your presentation and thus, will not really impress the reviewer. You need to highlight your professional accomplishments if you do not have any academic accomplishments. For example, what what the government project you worked for and what was the highlight of your participation in that project? Did you animate a certain project for class that impressed a professor of yours? Maybe you were drafted to participate in a particular non-academic animation project? Basically, this essay covers 2 out of the 3 requirements. That doesn't make it a weak essay, it just means that the presentation is incomplete and as such, may not be of particular interest to the reviewer. The lack of academic recognition and professional highlight are what directly affect the effectiveness of this essay. The passion is clear as daylight. I am just not sure if passion alone can carry this essay through the consideration process.

Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania supplement: What are you gonna do here? [2]

Wenbo, this is already a very long response statement. Don't you have a word limit on it? I feel like your presentation is not balanced between the academic pursuits and the academic pursuits based upon extra curricular activities. I think this could be better balanced if you present one classroom based pursuit, one research opportunity, then one extra curricular activity. You don't really need to impress upon the reviewer the length of your plans as a student at the university, you just need to present the ones that you feel will most reflect these interests and activities. Don't overwhelm the reviewer with information. Just keep it short but informative. Remember, you want to impress him not bore him with facts. When you present more than 3 varied activities, there is a tendency for reading boredom to set in. While your current information is not repetitive, it is too academic based in scope. More than 50% of your presentation is classroom based in presentation. Varying the content should help to make the essay more memorable to the reviewer. You will have to choose which parts of this essay you think is impressive enough and what you think can be removed. I can't make that decision for you because you and I do not think the same way and we will definitely have differing ideas as to what to keep and what to delete.

Scholarship / Write a reference letter for yourself in the third person describing yourself. Scholarship essay [4]

Saifuddeen, I would not try to explain too much in this essay. If I were the one writing this essay for you, I would have chosen only 2 of my strongest traits, one personal and one academic, then on negative trait, such as your being an improved basketball player, which means that you were not always a good player. Another negative would be a subject that I need help in particular with during one academic year or something. I know you have 300 words to write this essay so let me see if I can pick out the 3 topics that you can best write about, which would be of interest to the reviewer. Each topic should be fully developed in 100 words so that you can meet the maximum word requirement and be sure to deliver a highly informative reference letter in third person. Here are the topics I have chosen, which you can change if you wish to:

1. Class ranking
2. Leadership as a mentor and prefect
3. Basketball - how bad you were and how you improved your game

These should be enough to interest the reviewer and also offer acceptable / important information that he might consider with your application.

Writing Feedback / The adopted policy of early education of foreing languages [4]

Yun-Rong, the advice above has some applicable points to the IELTS test. While it is similar to the TOEFL test, the presentation is different in the sense that the TOEFL test asks you to immediately present your opinion at the start of the presentation. You do not have this advantage in the IELTS test. That is because the IELTS test is stricter in its paragraph formatting. The test does not allow the exam taker to immediately present a discussion due to the paragraph development requirements.

As you can see, your essay failed immediately in the Task Accuracy section because, instead of presenting a paraphrased paragraph, you decided to discuss the topic instead. In the IELTS test, the opening paragraph should represent the following:

1. An accurate restatement of the topic
2. The discussion reasons presented
3. The discussion format instruction

The basic paragraph format is normally 3-5 sentences, regardless of whether it is an opening statement, body of paragraph, or concluding presentation. Based upon the information in the opening paraphrase, you are looking at a minimum of 3 sentences. If you want to score well in the body of paragraphs, there are a number of things you have to ensure.

In the body of paragraphs, make sure that you do not exceed the 5 sentence maximum presentation using one idea per paragraph as a topic, give a maximum of 2 supporting explanations in relation to the topic, then an example, close with a transition sentence into the next paragraph.

When you are asked : Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? you need to pick one side to discuss in the essay instead of both. The instruction is clear, either it is advantageous or it is not. You cannot discuss both in the essay. All of the body paragraphs need to support only one side of the discussion as you believe it to be.

Now, the reason that your essay will not pass the test is because you discussed only one side, which would have been acceptable, if you had done the discussion in the manner I instructed. Instead, you only focused on primary school, completely neglecting the secondary school point of view. Both points of view still need to be presented in the essay. If you had accurately discussed the opening paragraph, in a manner that allowed you to outline the discussion, you would have had a more concrete essay presentation. An example of a properly outlined opening statement is as follows:

Educational experts have been considering the proper age for youngsters to start training in the use of a different language other than their own. Some believe that this should be done as early as primary school while others offer the thought that perhaps secondary school learning would be best. The most common belief is that language learning should be started in primary school. I am of the opinion that learning the new language in primary school has more advantages than disadvantages. I shall present the reasons for my belief in the following paragraphs.

Then you could have kicked off the discussion with:

In my opinion, early exposure to foreign language benefits children economically and culturally in the future...

After which you could have said:

Those who oppose the idea believe that...

While those that support the idea indicate...

In the end, the reasons why....

These would have comprised a better formatted, outlined, and discussed essay on the topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task2: Universities should not teach arts subjects, agree or disagree? [2]

Liang, the first thing you need to know about this essay is that it does not properly paraphrase the original discussion topic and instructions. The second is that you are not discussing it along the correct line because of your inaccurate discussion instruction paraphrase. Let me break these two specific problems for you below.

The opening paraphrase is used to represent the type of understanding that you have of the original discussion topic and instruction as presented to you for your use in this practice essay or, in an actual exam. The purpose of this paragraph is to have you prove to the examiner that you are capable of understanding and following English discussions and instructions by repeating what you read in your own terms.

The discussion instruction line at the end of your original prompt explains to you how the essay should be discussed. Since you were asked for the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the essay, you need to use the so-called "emphasis" words in your response. The emphasis words are strongly, partially, somewhat, to a certain extent, as the most commonly used descriptors. Therefore, the correct representation of this essay paraphrase paragraph would have been something like:

Due to the steadily rising college tuition fees but lack of job opportunities for the graduates, concerned persons have come to the conclusion that universities can skip teaching any Arts and Sciences classes. That is because the focus of college should only be on helping students develop their skills in specific fields so they can be sure to get a job after graduation. I strongly disagree with this statement for several reasons.

Your body paragraphs truly support your discussion facts and makes a compelling case for your support of the continued teaching of arts and science on a college level. However, you neglected to deliver a strong concluding statement because you had a run on sentence for your first sentence in that paragraph. By separating the comments with a period, you would have been able to properly close your reasoning via summary of the discussion for this essay.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of UK student able to speak other languages that their native [2]

Lau, where is the chart? I can't help you fix the mistakes of your essay without it. That is a given for every task 1 essay that is uploaded to this site for review. Without it, I can only comment on the form of your essay since that is easily observable in your work. Let's start with the summary overview. You created a single sentence summary overview when that should have at least been a 3 sentence presentation. Your trending statement should have been combined with the summary presentation, along with additional overview data from the chart in order to complete the paragraph structure requirements. All your other paragraphs had at least 3 sentences in it so those were correctly formatted with understandable analysis included, even though your grammar needs to be reviewed for spelling errors, of which there are a number of in this essay. The information you provided throughout seems reliable, but I can't really tell without the chart. So far, this paper has the potential to be a well graded paper. I just can't be sure because I haven't seen the chart that this report is based on.

Undergraduate / A differed point of view from a teacher or employer during an evaluation of your performance [2]

Naomi, aside from being confident in your work and skills, you should also discuss how you learned to use the power of dialogue and convincing in order to get what you want out of a given scenario. As in the case of your teacher, you successfully pleaded and defended your case based upon your confidence in your work and skills. That is why you got the A that you truly deserved for the task. Explain that it is important to understand that everything in this world can be explained to a person with an open mind, which is what you teacher had, which is the reason why the teacher agreed to change your grade. Since you have a 250 word maximum, you still have space with which to explain what I said above in your own words in order to complete the given statement explanation.

Undergraduate / The music has held a deep importance for me - the essay on what is the most important in my life [3]

Seth, while this is a very impressive general definition of the importance of music based upon your experience, I find that it lacks a personal note to connect to you personally in order to make it seem more important than you present it to the reader in the essay. If you read the description and definition, you have made the definition of the importance of music one that is encompassing of a general scale. You do not have a personal connection with the music other than the performance you had in the 9th grade. What you need to add to the essay is a personal reason for the importance of music. What does music mean to you on a deeper level or personal connection? Leaving out the general discussion of music and its overall importance to society. Since the essay is about what is important to you and why, you have to deliver more about the "you" portion rather than the "general" depiction. How does music affect you on a personal level? You should discuss the importance of music to you as a band member and as a solo musician or even, as a simple lover of music. That way, you cover all the bases regarding the importance of music to you and you alone.

Undergraduate / Art Institute of Charlotte Essay; career goals in connection with the education at AI [2]

Tristin, you need to have specifics indicated in your essay so that you can impress upon the reviewer that you have a specific career path and career goal in mind. Therefore, you can say that you want to work towards an animation degree that will allow you work with say, the production company that developed your favorite game title. Explain that you have a game concept in mind that is based upon an original game which you know will blow their socks off once you finally develop the game software for it and show them the rough version. Having a specific focus, which you of course have the liberty to change in the future, will help the reviewer understand just how serious your desire to complete this course is and that you are a person who is focused on having a remarkable career in your chosen field.

Tie in your professional goals with a more updated comment about how the university can help you achieve this by indicating the subjects or internships that you plan to focus on as a student and why these particular classes and programs will be the best way for you to attain the theoretical and actual training that you need to succeed in this field.

As for how you plan to contribute to your success in this field of study, your reasons are generalized and shallow. These do not reflect the study habits of a student who has dedicated his life to improving himself in this field now and in the future. Try to explain how you will use the university facilities and other internship or part time work related activities in the betterment of your education. Since education of this level is not limited to the 4 corners of the classroom or online experience, you need to gain some specifics as to how you will do this. You will have to research the related extracurricular activities or training programs at Charlotte that will help you meet the demands of continuous education outside of the classroom.

Scholarship / How to end motivation letter on strong and positive note? - Erasmus Scholarship [2]

Diva, you have a bigger problem that just closing this motivation letter on a strong note. You do not have a strong motivation letter to begin with because you did not write a motivation letter. A motivation letter describes the reason behind your desire to become a scientist. What are your academic, scientific, and career objectives? These are the 3 strongest motivations behind your desire to undertake this masters degree course. Without the explanation surrounding the inspiration that you have for these 3 areas, you won't be able to write a strong motivational letter. What you will have is the letter that you wrote, which is just a list of the problems scientists face in your country even when that scientist is a skilled person. You must first represent your 3 motivating factors and how it aligns with the objectives of Erasmus or the course you have chosen to study before you go on to explain how your academic background has helped you fit into the program you have chosen. I don't really see any strong personal or professional traits on your part that would convince me that you have the capacity to stand out as an applicant and as a scholar, should you win the scholarship. There are no honors or recognition from your college days or profession that would indicate you are already a minor success in the field you have chosen. This is an important consideration when awarding a scholarship. You haven't really managed to set yourself apart from the other applicants because there is no stand out information about yourself or your scientific skills that makes you a better candidate than the strongest candidate the reviewer has read about so far. While this is a good draft for the motivational letter, it is not an effective motivational letter. You may want to rethink the content and improve upon it while you still have the time.

Undergraduate / Anyone feel free to Critique my Waterloo AIF for Management Engineering - application form [3]

Zain, in the first essay, your academic motivation needs to be tied in with your career objectives or goals. That way, you can focus your response on specific business programs of the university that are attuned with your soon to be professional needs. Try to avoid giving generalized statements such as the one you developed because it is just a bunch of words that are saying things, but not really introducing your basis or criteria for your choice of university. The fact that the information you chose to present at the start comes from public knowledge does not strengthen your response. Instead, you should try to build up your response by removing the general statement at the start and trying to develop a more focused response starting with; " My passion for problem solving, optimization, and business drew me towards management engineering and computer science.

For question number 3, while this is an impressive accomplishment, the problem with it is that it is not an individual accomplishment but rather a group accomplishment. This sort of accomplishment renders your own talents and skills very minimal in participation and thus, is not the central reason the project won. If you can try to present a more recent extracurricular activity that you can say you accomplished on your own and won recognition for, then that would be more impressive. It does not have to be an activity related to your major, it can be related to something altogether different because the point of this prompt is to get to know you beyond your college major related activities. What else do you enjoy doing aside from robotics? What is your second most favorite activity? Discuss that side of your personality instead.

As far as the Engineering question is concerned, I believe your response is appropriate but could use some improvement in terms of your career goals so that you can tie it in with the rest of the information you present. This will create a more comprehensive essay on your part and show that a great deal of thought and analysis has gone into your college major decision making process.

Writing Feedback / Artists, poets and musicians are not as important, as lawyers, doctors or engineers [3]

Khushboo, I apologize for what I am about to say because I found that this sort of essay writing for the CBEST cannot score higher than a 2 because of a number of reasons. I believe that once you learn to avoid the mistakes I will be enumerating, that you will be able to improve your scoring consideration for this test.

The first problem with your essay is that you do not follow through on the discussion as provided by the prompt. You took almost a whole paragraph where you presented a series of questions that caused you to not discuss the essay in the manner expected by the instructions you were given. Rather than doing a comparative response immediately after saying that you "some what" agree with the essay, you went on to respond to the questions that you posed instead. Causing a prompt deviation which caused the essay to lose focus in terms of the original discussion.

The reasoning that you are using in the 2nd paragraph is weak and pretty much generalized in presentation. This was caused by the focus on the previous questions that you posed in the paragraph. Instead of questions, you should be presenting evidence to support your claim. The supporting evidence needs to be something popularly known on an international basis or, you could base this on your personal knowledge instead.

In your opening statement, you also use the term "controversial" to describe the topic you were provided for the discussion. If you review the essay, there is no such controversy being referred to. So while the ideas are properly presented, implying something about the original prompt that is not justified nor supported by the original presentation means that your response is weak and confusing.

The reasoning is also not very effective because, while you chose to use evidence based on someone you know, your next set of evidence uses someone that is not well known to those outside of your country. It is always best to stick to popular examples or, even better, use personal experience in this area.

The mistakes in your sentence structure and word usage tends to become distracting which creates choppy sentences. Mistakes such as "some what" when the correct term is "somewhat creates a confusing sentence because of the way the terms are used.

Remember that you are supposed to be presenting this academic paper to peers who happen to be teachers as well. So when you make mistakes like these, your ability as a potential educator comes into question and, with such a low score, means you are not capable of fulfilling the tasks you will be required to do.

The closing paragraph feels rushed and ill informed. You said that there are people who are born talented with multiple intelligences. Yet the examples you use are of people who are known for just one thing. Therefore, your presentation becomes ineffective and unclear. When you say something that important, you need to follow it up with examples of multi talented people and a description of what these multiple talents are.

Don't forget the importance of the closing paragraph. Without a properly summarized discussion, your essay becomes open ended and doesn't come across as truly effective and informative because it does not offer the reader a chance to decide for himself based upon your concluding statement.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: Describe an unfamiliar situation & what you have learned dealing with it? [2]

@watashiwano this essay is alright in terms of the topic you chose for the discussion. However, the fact that you mention a discussion with your best friend as the motivating factor that helped you overcome this situation is not really effective. You need to expand on that discussion by first, showing your downward spiral, showing when you hit rock bottom, what prompted your friend to take action and finally intervene in your case, then finally, what she said which was memorable and triggered the change in you as a person, friend, and child. Since you only have 200 words with which to do this, you will need to revise the essay presentation so that you can refocus the content in the pivotal moments I indicated, then proceed to explain why she was able to successfully pull you out of the rut. Only then can you proceed to use the lessons that you learned and how you began to repair yourself and your relationship with others.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: essay about racial discrimination, language barrier and disparity [2]

@watashiwano Here is the thing, you chose the most unbelievable age to use as your age of enlightenment. The reviewers do not believe that a 7 year old or anybody below the age of of 13-15 can have such an epiphany in their lives even if they are observing it first hand. There is no sense of conscience and logic, nor analytical ability that is fully developed at such a young age. Which is why this essay will not be believed by the reviewer. Additionally, you made the essay all about your mother, when that the essay is asking about is you. What is important to you? The racial discrimination was not something that you directly experienced, it happened to someone else who happened to be close to you. So, while I can see why it might be important to you, and it could be spun into something relevant as a response to this prompt, the problem is that the central figure is incorrect, the age chosen to depict the realization is wrong, and the method by which you are battling racial discrimination is too weak when compared to others who will be submitting a more self centered essay that deals with a topic that has a personal effect upon their person instead of someone else. If I were writing this essay, I would change the whole essay and focus on a topic that has a direct effect me instead. That way, the importance has a more important motivational factor and will show a personal growth on my part because I am trying to change something that affects me. The travails of your mother are not important to the reviewer. You are all he wants to learn about.

Undergraduate / My Dickinson's supp essay; 'unique program through the liberal-arts lens' [4]

Cao, you have too much implied information but not enough actual information in this essay. What I mean by that is, you need to qualify your statements of why you chose to attend Dickinson based upon the type of facilities and curriculum that they have specifically. Be specific about which facilities of the university you plan to utilize during your 4 years as a student (what research lab, what internship program, and other specifically named areas of the university in relation to your chosen major) and a member of the student community (major related organization, socio-civic clubs, extracurricular activities.) . The response to this prompt is something that needs to tell the reviewer that you have a clear idea of what the next 4 years of your life will be like and how you plan to fit in as a student at the university. It isn't enough that you are attracted by the obvious reasons (Liberal Arts education), and imply some information (almost all of what you have written) that you hope the reviewer wants to read about. You have to convince the reviewer that you chose Dickinson based upon some pretty specific academic and personal motivating factors. Not just what you read on the website, saw on YT, or implied information that could be discussing just about every liberal arts university you apply to.

Writing Feedback / Work topic: the expectation of job for all workers [3]

Anh, I am not sure where to begin in pointing out the tremendous amount of mistakes in your essay. I guess I will have to start with the basic structural problems of your sentences. Look at the way that you wrote the essay. do you notice the misplaced capitalized words which are not nouns and yet you used a capital letter to spell the word with? That is a basic rookie mistake and shows that you do are not aware of the basic English writing rules. Next, you keep starting your sentences with the connecting words "And" or "Because", both of which can only be used in the middle of a sentence that requires the connection of two separate thoughts or ideas in one sentence. These words are never used to start a sentence because there are no thoughts or ideas to connect when one is simply beginning to write his thoughts down. I also caught you using ellipses in a formal essay. You do not use ellipses in a formal essay as these indicate that there are additional thoughts not included in the presentation. If you do not present complete thoughts in an academic paper and make the professor guess, your grade will suffer. That is, unless you are writing a casual paper or a creative piece, which you are not. You must be conscious of the English writing rules and also, learn to review your paper for possible simple but avoidable mistakes such as "Wwork". This is one word that should have only had a capital W because it was at the start of the sentence. These sorts of errors show that you don't really care about doing the exercise properly, you just want to get over with it so you don't care if you make glaring mistakes. Please, learn to care about the grade that your paper will get by showing responsibility in the way that you write your essays.

Writing Feedback / Simultanously with making money, companies need to have public responsibilities. Do you agree or not [2]

Lê, this is not a comparison essay for discussion. This is a single opinion essay presentation. While your opening paraphrase delivered the proper thesis statement at the end, your body of paragraphs did not appropriately discuss the given instruction. For this sort of essay, you are expected to use the 3 body paragraphs in delivering reasons that will support the idea that your opinion regarding the topic is the correct one. Remember the prompt asked "Do you agree or not?" It did not ask you to "Discuss both opinions and give your point of view." As such, while you had the opportunity to score well in the TA section, you blew it and will get a failing score instead because what your thesis statement was, and your actual discussion, which ran counter to your opinion in the thesis statement, were two different things. As such, the examiner will have no choice but to give you a failing score in the essay based upon the improper discussion you provided in the body paragraphs which, by the way, is missing one paragraph in order to consider this essay completed Task 2 essay as only the Task 1 essay may present 4 paragraphs in its presentation. In addition to that do not say "controversy" where it is not implied in the prompt. The appropriate term to always use, regardless of the prompt is "discussion" and any variation thereof. There is never a debate nor a controversy being presented in these essays so do not exaggerate the presentations. Be truthful and as close the original prompt in your paraphrase as possible for TA scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY / THE IMPACT OF TOYS ON A CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT [2]

Lê, is this a direct response essay for the IELTS test? Please remember to indicate the type of test that you are preparing for along with the essay that you will be posting so that the appropriate review may be done for your work. At this point, I will guess that this is a direct question topic for the IELTS test based on the type of question presentation you attached. I can say that you chose to discuss appropriate topics with regards to the question but you could have done better work on the explanation development.

For example, with regards to the ball, you immediately assumed that the child will be interested in playing with the ball even though he has a gadget in hand. A more believable explanation for this would have been if you had included the manner by which a child can be enticed to play with the ball and also, how the parent can help keep the interest of the child on the game played with the ball because most kids these days have short attention spans and will most likely go back to the gadget shortly after throwing the ball to his potential playmate or parent.

Now, as for the puzzle game, considering that tablets come with all the preloaded puzzle games that the child might be interested in, and it will be simpler to play on the gadget, you again, need to convince the parents that there is a potential benefit to having the child put down the gadget so he can play with the real thing instead of the virtual version. How exactly do you plan on getting the child interested in something that has a virtual counterpart?

I am worried about your presentation though since it is less than 5 paragraphs. I feel that there is a potential for you to not have fully realized the value of the discussion within the allowed paragraph number so as to increase your scoring potential. if I had any idea as to what kind of English test you are preparing for, I might have been able to help you with that aspect of your essay development as well.