Scholarship / Leadership - laying the groundwork for others' success (Chevening application) [4]

Chipo, the first 3 paragraphs are irrelevant to the essay you are expected to write. There is no call for you to define leadership or discuss what you learned about the meaning of leadership based on your school activities. Rather, you need to discuss what professional leadership and influencing skills you have developed on the job. The reviewer is not interested in your college days of leadership. He is interested in learning about how you became a leader and influential person in your capacity as a professional. After all, you are a masters degree student. Therefore, you should have at least 2 years of relevant leadership and influencing experience within the workplace. Just explain that in the essay. You can start by expanding the current 4th paragraph into the opening statement for your essay. From that point, you just need to present more and more impressive leadership and influencing examples based upon the method by which you accomplish crisis management in the event of company related problems.

Scholarship / Graduate Statement; further information relevant for assessing your suitability for the course [4]

Ganesh, your motivation for this line of study is not very clear in the first few paragraphs of the essay. That is something that should be reflected in the opening statement. The motivating factor is usually related to your desire to improve your skills or respond to some particular problem that faces your professional career. For example, a motivating factor you can discuss can be related to the delivery and scheduling problems that your line of work faces. Discuss this problem and how it adversely affects the company you work for. Hence your desire to receive more training in this field. What you did was, you just mentioned the position you currently have in the office and what the job description is. It lacks the applicability of the course of study with your previous or current career. Your ambitions are very clear in the essay so you don't need to make any adjustments to that part. Unless, it is affected by the expanded motivation for study revisions. You need to create a concluding paragraph in order to close the essay on a stronger note. It doesn't seem finished at the moment because you closed the essay with an ongoing discussion of your long term goals. Try to develop a more solid closing paragraph that focuses on your excitement at starting the semester at this particular university instead.

Research Papers / The essay will be to analysis the business of Starbucks [3]

Hi Jessie, this is a pretty good outline for the research paper that you will be doing. It clearly indicates the flow of discussion that you will be presenting in the essay and also, offers an overview of the various information that you will be expanding upon. While the information that you share in the outline is impressive, the problems with ill placed capital letters and quotes at the end of paragraphs before changing discussions prove to be a problem for your essay. The mistake with the capitalization happened twice in the essay. I caught one instance of this when you spelled Sydney, as in the name of the city. Review the essay for grammatical errors. That should have to create a more fluid outline for you.

The other problem with the essay is that you have a tendency to close your paragraphs with in-text citations. Don't do that. It is academically irresponsible of you to close with a quote or paraphrase because the paragraph should offer a complete thought based upon your understanding of the cited information. When you close with the paraphrase or in-text citation, you prove that your work is note being double checked for accuracy. Since this is the outline of the discussion, make sure to close it with an independent sentence instead. The rest of the essay is acceptable and is designed to handle specific discussions regarding Starbucks. Once you get your professor to approve this research, which I am sure he will do, you can continue working on the research paper.

Scholarship / University Choices in UK - Chevening Question [3]

Ni, remove the first 2 paragraphs of the essay because that contains information that you should be explaining in your study plans and statement of purpose. Those are unnecessary for the university discussion specially since you are developing a response within a limited amount of words. Each of the universities that you have chosen should lose the general information such as its ranking and who ranked it because that is useless information. What you have to increase, along with the description of the course syllabus, is the professional experience that you have had which will help you to become a successful student of this course. What sorts of professional problems have you encountered that can be responded to by training in these fields? Each university has a specific concentration in terms of the masters degree course, even though the title of the degree is the same. You need to work on presenting your professional background in accordance with the course description by offering examples of situations where previous knowledge in this field would have come in handy for you. You need to clearly related the course of study with the career experience that you have in order to allow the reviewer to decide which course would be most relevant for you. Without the professional experience, all of the university courses seem to just be options to you as if you were choosing a college major instead of a masters degree course. Those are 2 different levels of study and the latter, requires more professional experience to be shared in order to create a relevant line of study for you in the mind of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Should kids really obey all rules or do what their parents and teachers say? [4]

Gang, I am disappointed in this work of yours. What happened to the extremely high quality of work that you have been producing? I am saddened that this essay cannot score higher than a 4 because you did not properly discuss the comparison essay, nor did you properly represent your opinion on the issue. This was supposed to be a compare and contrast essay. Remember, you were to discuss 2 points of view and then your personal opinion? The essay focuses only one one side of the matter. There were no transition sentences to indicate that you even tried to change the discussion from the pro to the con, then the personal opinion discussion. Perhaps you were distracted while you were writing this essay? This is definitely not the quality of work that I have come to expect of you. You dropped the ball this time. I hope you can pick it up with your next essay. You need to make sure that you create clear paragraphs that introduce each topic for discussion the paragraph through a transition sentence in the previous paragraph ending sentence. This introduces the fact that you will be changing the discussion to the second topic in the next paragraph. In the conclusion, the wrap up should have been a proper summary of the topic for discussion. You continued to discuss the essay instead. I am wondering if you are not very familiar with the topic which is why you had a problem writing this essay? I am going to admit that this essay that you wrote worries me to a certain extent. I am confident though that you will bounce back from this bad essay with the next one.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Networking Skills to make positive impact [2]

Alee, this essay is tremendously confusing. There are only a series of events that depict how you got recommended to certain position, there is no indication of how you created and developed your networking skills for the benefit of your current job. That is the main objective of this essay, to prove that you are capable of creating and maintaining applicable networking skills in the fulfillment of your professional duties. In order to prove that you are capable of developing and maintaining a network that can be of use to you during your time as a Chevening scholar, in your capacity as a graduate of the scholarship program and the university, and also, as a future mentor to incoming Chevening scholars and previous scholars. That is why you are asked to explain how you develop and maintain your network of professional contacts.

The networking skills that you present in this essay are all beneficial to you since you are recommended for studies and jobs by other people. So that shows that you are respected as a peer, but not that you have an active network that can be useful to you in the future. You need to prove that you can create a professional contact or already have existing contacts within your line of work. Consider your work opportunities at Oracle and that other company. Were there opportunities when you found yourself facing a problem at the office when you required the assistance of other people from other departments or outside contacts? How did you meet these people and what did you have to do to create that contact point? Do those contact points still exist today? Do you think you can call upon them to help you or other scholars in the future? Think of how you can use these contacts to advance your career in the future and use that to highlight how you can use the same skills in the future.

Undergraduate / Making something with the usage of a duct tape; interests, talent, identity essay [3]

Megan, the essay is interesting and really highlights your talent as a hard to learn skill. However, it comes across as nothing more than that. Why don't you try to make the essay go a bit deeper by using your interest in duck tape art as a symbolism for something. Something that has helped you become a better person from who you were before you learned you have this talent? I noticed that you mentioned that you made friends and began trading with others because of this activity. Why did you mention that? Who were you before? Did you find it hard to make friends? What is the significance of the duck tape art in relation to those considerations? How and why did improving your skill in this area help to define you in a way? What lessons did you learn from participating in the competitions and shows? How did it help you become a more open person who now easily makes friends or gains the admiration of others through the art that you create? Go for the deeper meaning of duck tape art. At the moment, the essay just explains your background and accomplishments in that area, which don't really help to define your character or change in character over time, which is the purpose of the prompt.

By the way, in the sentence were you say you were "ill informed" change it to "ill prepared" instead. "Ill informed" means that you had the wrong information on hand. The story that you told though made it clear that you were just "ill prepared" for the event and that is why your brother was able to help you fix your entry for the contest / show.

Basically, you just need to make a few adjustments / additions to the content of the essay. This is a pretty good draft that requires minimal work in order to further improve it. I am confident that you can easily do that.

Scholarship / Higher studies in Korea because it has a great educational program [3]

Sadia, this is a pretty good draft. It lacks a number of information in it such as your point of view about life and your current professional work experience so you need to add direct references to those missing information in your essay. You should also improve upon the last paragraph that deals with the reasons as to why you are interested in the KGSP program and studying in Korea. In relation to those two important aspects of your application, the way you have those paragraphs developed are not really useful to your application. You are offering general comments on both and as such, do not really display a personal interest in receiving the scholarship. There is no information that will tell the reviewer that you have any sort of information or background regarding Korean culture and its scholarship offerings.

Build up the information those two aspects to represent a personal representation of your desire to study in Korea. Aside from your college degree and subsequent masters degrees, there is really nothing remarkable about this essay that will help it to stand out. The current information is not enough because you did not fully develop certain aspects of the essay prompts. I speak specifically of the first paragraph where you combined all of the information for your course of life, personal background, and point of view about life. Those should be presented in separate and fully developed paragraphs because the committee looks for people who have a deep insight when it comes to life matters and shows a seriousness about his direction in life. Also, you need to be more specific about your father's occupation. Mention his position and the name of the bank he is working at. The screening committee may want to verify that information since you mentioned it in the essay.

Writing Feedback / A change of population measured in thousands in Columbia, Yamhill and Washington [3]

Eva, you are using "guesses" to create estimated information coming from the graph when you can clearly see that each marker falls on a specific number of population based on the numbers by the thousands on the right side of the graph. You are only to use "estimates" in your presentation when there are no actual figures represented in the provided image. When actual figures are provided, you need to be accurate to the closest numerical measurement as per the illustration. Since the reader is assumed to not be able to see the image that you are basing your report on, you must make sure that you provide accurate information in terms of the data provided. This will show the examiner that you can be trusted to properly disseminate information in a manner understandable and useful to people in your line of study. As you will be expected to write reports and analyze data, you need to make sure that you practice information accuracy from the very start. It begins with the IELTS task 1 test. Remember, the examiner will have a copy of the image and will therefore, know where your inaccurate information / misrepresented reports lie. In this case, without the reference to the actual population numbers, you will lose points in the TA section.

By the way, in the year 2000, both Yahill and Columbia had a population of 75 thousand. Why was that information not included in your report? You claimed to have done a deeper analysis of the essay with the term "A more look..." which, by the way is grammatically wrong as it should have said "a closer look...", and yet, you missed that particular point the comparison. How did that happen?

Anyway, before you turn in the test for scoring, always make sure to look for the smallest possible details that you might have overlook in the first review of the image because examiners appreciate it when the test taker can show actual analysis and examination skills in terms of information from the provided image. These sorts of information tend to increase your final score.

Writing Feedback / Spending whole time doing the same things is better than change? [4]

Hang, a typical IELTS test that will gain a decent enough score should have 4 paragraphs in it. While you could write an essay in 3 paragraphs, that brief sort of response does not help to increase the GRA and C& C scores in the test. Aiming for 4 paragraphs allows you to add one layer of scoring considerations for your essay that normally has a positive result. The essay that you wrote does not take advantage of that fact and is actually, very brief in all its presentations. This was a situation that was caused by the misrepresented prompt requirements. If you review the prompt again, you should see that you were given the outline to write a 5 paragraph essay based on the provided topics. The proper paraphrase is:

Change is something that some people view as a good thing in life. While these people prefer to do the same thing in lives and try to make changes in lives every so often, there are others who would rather avoid changes in their life structure whenever possible. This essay will discuss the possible reasons behind these two points of view after which I will be offering my personal point of view regarding the discussion as well.

Now, let's see what you have in the essay. The second paragraph discusses the reasons why people prefer not to change. The third paragraph, tells the reviewer why people prefer to change. There is something missing... I got it! Your own point of view. Which of the two sides do you support? You should have had a paragraph that explains your own point of view as it aligns with one of the two topics that were previously presented for discussion. You did not relay your personal opinion in the essay which made the essay shorter than it should be and also, only partially responsive to the prompt requirements. As such, the final score on this essay would probably be a 4 overall.

Remember, you cannot offer new information in the closing paragraph. So your opinion agreeing with the positive effect of change in life needs to be presented in its own paragraph, possibly the 3rd paragraph and must offer supporting evidence that will strengthen the position you support as well as your own line of reasoning.

Writing Feedback / Why should women wear Ao dai at work ? [4]

Susan, when you respond to the question, you must respond to it coming from a historical context. You cannot make the reader understand why it is important to wear this traditional clothing for Vietnamese women at work without first explaining the evolution of female Vietnamese dress. That said, you must write this response in at least 5 paragraphs. The first two paragraphs should explain the historical and social significance of this dress code in Vietnamese society and then, proceed to explain, in the 3rd and 4th paragraph, who this sense of respect through clothes has evolved over time to represent the modern office wear of the Vietnamese women. Your last paragraph could represent the idea behind the future evolution of the clothes or, what the manner of dress means to the modern Vietnamese woman. It should not be a single statement response as you have now which does not introduce anything about the style of dress and yet, asks the reader to believe that there is a significance in having the Vietnamese woman dress in this manner.

Undergraduate / A^2=B^2+C^2 - Math has been and will always be a hobby for me. COMMON APP ESSAY [4]

Abdul, without a copy of the common app prompt topic that you are responding to, it is impossible for me, as a contributor to give you specific advice regarding what to correct and why in this essay. I can only offer you a general review of the content and what I think can be removed or adjusted in order to create a better essay flow. Now that advice, may or may not be prompt responsive. Sadly, I can only offer you on free advice so if you decide to post the prompt in order to receive better instructions and additional review from me, you will have to make this thread "Urgent" by contacting the forum admin. Otherwise, there is no way a contributor can help you improve this essay.

It seems to me that your essay veered too much on the historical aspect of Math. I am not sure why you did that because you placed it so early on in the discussion that it stopped the essay from becoming a well developed common app prompt and created a research paper instead. My advice, is to remove the historical aspect of Math and instead, use your commonly known or personal experience with Math to describe what makes math special to you, in layman's terms. That way the essay remains in a common app tone and focuses more on you instead of on the history of math and then you. The common app focus should always be on the applicant student in accordance with the prompt instructions and nothing more.

Writing Feedback / Diagram process of headland erosion (IELTS writing task 1) [2]

Heru, since this is your first posting here at EF, I will allow you some leeway and not score this essay yet. Believe me, if I decided to score this essay, it would not have gotten anywhere near a passing mark. So, rather than focusing on the score, I would like you to focus on a number of problem points in this essay for your improvement in the next practice essay.

The first problem of this essay is the fact that you did not accurately provide a summary overview for the diagram. The summary overview needs to contain the following information:

1. The type of figure provided. In this case, it was a diagram. Good work on identifying that.
2. The purpose of the diagram. You said it was to discuss soil erosion. That is correct. You failed to mention that it was for the erosion of a headland. This created an incomplete presentation of information for the purpose of the diagram.

3. There are 4 stages that caused the erosion process. Another correct piece of information. This shows that you have an analytical mindset that can be developed to your benefit before the actual test.

4. The instructions asked you to select and report on the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You did not mention that in your summary. Incomplete information was given and no clear discussion outline was create for the essay due to the missing information. Points will be deducted from your TA score.

Sea water is not a natural process, that is an element of nature. Sea water hitting the rocks is a natural process. That is what you should have said instead. You cannot start an academic sentence with "because" due to the word being a connecting word. It doesn't connect any idea in a sentence when it is placed at the beginning so you will lose GRA points for this grammatical error.

In terms of your cohesiveness and coherence, this essay lacks in so many aspects of grammar development that it will be next to impossible for you to get an sort of passing score in the LR, C&C, and GRA section. Those sections are scored simultaneously so if you are weak in one aspect, it is automatic that all the remaining sections will also be weak. In this instance, the lack of discussion clarity in all of your paragraphs immensely affected your C&C score, this problem dragged down the other 2 sections as well.

Heru, I am sad to say that this essay is not good at all. However, since this is your first essay, you should not allow these comments to affect you. Instead, use these as your inspiration to do better in the next tests. This first essay allowed me to assess your writing abilities and I can see the potential in you to do very well in this test. The problem that you are facing now has to do more with grammar development than analytical thinking. Please try to do more grammar building exercises during your spare time so that you can begin to improve in this weak section of your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Brutality in the media makes people more aggresive? [5]

Akash, in an actual test setting, I doubt that you can get a score higher than a 3 with this essay due to several problems that exist in it. The first of which is an improperly formatted opening statement. In a TOEFL test, you are required to follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and give your opinion at the end of the paragraph. Remember, since you are writing this essay (because the essay cannot write itself), you must use first person pronouns in the statement of your opinion as well as throughout the essay, whenever possible. For your reference, a more accurate prompt representation here would be:

There is a belief that the violence that exists in our society is being caused by the media. There are claims the media does this through the airing of shows and news events that directly relate to such violence. In this essay, I will provide evidence for my strong support of the view that media promotes social violence.

Whenever an essays asks for the "extent" of your support for a point of view, you must give a verbal measurement of that opinion. So terms that connote a conviction such as "strongly, totally, and partially" helps to better respond to that prompt requirement. It also allows you an opportunity to better show of your English vocabulary knowledge because you can use other descriptive terms to create your sentence and opinion.

Try not to use information that uses outside sources. While this is something that makes a practice test look good, you will not have time to do actual research once the test proper begins. So it would be best for you to stick to personal opinion, public knowledge, or measured assumptions when presenting discussion evidence and supporting statements. You need to focus on your grammar presentation instead of the veracity of the information resource as you did in this essay. You can only focus on properly developing your sentences if you do not have to do actual research for the topic. If you are not familiar with the topic provided, then offer a general discussion based on the little knowledge that you have of the topic. It doesn't have to be highly informative, simply informative will do provided you can prove that your information is relevant to the discussion topic provided.

While the closing statement you presented is acceptable, you will score better if you can show that you are capable of creating a coherent and cohesive closing paragraph instead. By presenting a paragraph, you are able to extend your English vocabulary use and call the attention of the reviewer to the fact that you have an extensive vocabulary that you are capable of using in the right context within the given essay.

Writing Feedback / Economic progress? Government should support its own citizens and their basic needs [2]

Chou, you still need to work on your opening paraphrase. While you show the ability to understand and restate English statements, you still have a lacking degree of accuracy in your method of paraphrasing. You have to be exactly on topic from the very beginning. Your first sentence created a slight prompt deviation that can easily be fixed. Please refer to my example below:

Most countries are run by governments that believe that the economic progress of the country is their primary goal. This is an opinion that differs from the public opinion that there are other goals of equal importance for the country. In this essay, I will discuss these two viewpoints and then offer my personal insight on the matter.

When you opened your essay with; "The reason why..." you immediately began a discussion without offering an overview of what the discussion is supposed to be about. Since the opening statement is meant to serve as the outline of the forthcoming discussion, you are not permitted to present an immediate discussion in the first paragraph. That would be like starting a conversation from the middle instead of at the beginning. Without a proper topic presentation and discussion outline, the opening statement, which the TA score is based on, will not get a strong opening score.

The second weakness of your essay is that you do not indicate which point of view is being discussed in the paragraph prior to your supporting discussion presentation. You need to use terms like "Based on government data indicators..." or "The economic factors that the government considers..." or any other form of introduction that indicates what the topic for discussion in that paragraph will be. This will clearly show that you are developing a chronological discussion for your essay.

Another problem with your essay is that you do not fully develop your paragraph presentations because, rather than focusing on the discussion of singular facts, which is all the time that you have to present in the actual test, you are focusing more on just providing relevant information without an accurate explanation. Such actions on your part create paragraphs that clearly lack the cohesiveness and coherence that these essays require. If you cannot properly develop a strain of thought in a single paragraph, you will score poorly in this section. That is why you need to focus on only one topic per paragraph for presentation development. Prioritize the quality of your discussion over the quantity of information you are presenting.

Finally, your personal opinion is not meant to be the closing paragraph of the essay. The personal opinion, is a fully developed presentation of your understanding of the topic in relation to the given information. That requires a 5 sentence presentation at the maximum. The concluding paragraph, should not be discussing new information as it is meant to end a discussion instead of continue it. The discussion must be completed only within 3 paragraphs after the opening statement. The 5th paragraph, is the closing presentation or concluding paragraph.

In my opinion, the score for this essay will be no higher than a 5.

Scholarship / Different experiences enhanced my responsibility towards my country and boosted my self-confidence [3]

Aliaa, don't confuse the essay by adding a community service aspect. You already have a very impressive professional story to tell. Develop that discussion instead. The leadership story is already impressive. The influencing part is the one that is not really evident in the essay. You should not just mention what you did, you need to explain it to the reviewer. Explain how you influenced the problem employees or inspired the team to get the job done. Don't tell the reviewer in summarized terms, show the reviewer in an expanded discussion. Highlight your skills. Don't assume that he can read between the lines of the your presentation. You need to be specific at all times. You can do this by removing the community service reference. This is an extra curricular activity that will not be as impressive as your professional experience. Most of the applicants will be using professional references in their essay so you need to make sure that you keep up with such presentations. Basically, this is a good draft. Now, you need to revise it to contain more relevant content using only the professional experience that you shared. Develop that aspect and your essay will become more competitive during the application process.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL Writing task] The best way to travel / whether or not in a group with a guide. [3]

Carl, when you post your essay for review at this forum, you are required to post the original prompt requirement along with your essay. That is because I will be unable to properly review your essay without it. The original prompt contains the scoring considerations required for the essay discussion. Since you were not able to provide the original prompt here, I cannot give you an accurate review of your discussion. I can only review the most obvious parts and mistakes instead.

Your general discussion is engaging and informative. It implies that you have personally done this activity before in the manner that you are discussing. Since the TOEFL test usually considers personal experience and examples as better evidence or supporting reason in its essays, you may have done very well in this essay. You would have created a more impressive presentation if you had used the first person pronouns throughout the essay because it is obvious that you have considered such situations before and dealt with is successfully. My only concern, has to do with the prompt requirements.

While I am highly impressed by your discussion format, unless I see the prompt requirement, I cannot be sure if this is an essay that will pass the test or not. It is too late for you to present the prompt requirement now. I can only give you one free advice per thread. This is a wasted chance. I hope that you will remember to post the prompt with your next essay for a more thorough review of that essay.

Scholarship / Leadership skill - creating relaxing atmosphere combined with motivation [3]

Ganesh, you can do away with that opening explanation of your understanding of the definition of leadership. That is totally unnecessary as it removes the attention from the actual response, wastes valuable word count, and does not move your essay forward. In a word limited essay that has to be read by a reviewer who is on a reading quota per day, it is important that you deliver your response immediately before he has time to decide that your application is a waste of time. Clarify the opening sentence of your current second paragraph. I am not sure as to whether you are the one who moved to Maersk after coming from a different company or if Maersk bought into your previous company, or perhaps, something in between happened. Your sentence leaves the reader with a lot of questions because you do not clarify what is what in it.

Aside from those observations, the essay is really good. Even with the grammatical problems, your leadership and influence upon your manager and co-workers is clear. That is what the reviewer will be looking for. Provided he can understand what it is you are trying to say, grammar perfection is not so important. What is important, is that you were able to offer an example of your leadership and influencing skill in a professional setting. Allowances will be made for the imperfect, but coherent grammar presentation.

Essays / Essay /Writing/Talk about education [2]

Maria, you can start by first analyzing the reasons that you should be against education. A simple Google search should return some information that can help you get started on the research for your debate topic. After you read some background information in support of the side you will be defending, you can create a discussion outline for the topics you will be presenting in the first round of the debate. Choose a focal point for your argument that you feel will be best hard to beat by the opposing side. Then, do research on the opposing side. Try to find the weakest points that you can in the line of defense that they might be presenting and then create your attack points. Don't forget, you need to prepare for a rebuttal by making sure that you anticipate the potential counter arguments to your points. Expect the unexpected they say. In any debate, it is important that you have a strong team backing you up. Make sure that you combine your notes and have dummy debate practices in order to better prepare your discussion points, questioning, and rebuttal presentations.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The charts below show what the UK graduate and postgraduate students did after college [3]

Gang, this is probably going to score within the 7 to 7.5 bracket for a number of reasons. The first is that you forgot to place a comma between the phrase "... further study and unemployment." Since unemployment is an unrelated description, it still needs to be separated from the previous description. There were points deducted from the GRA score because of it. The main reason that your score would have been lowered would be because of an inaccurate assumption on your part. You claimed that majority of the graduates did not enter the labor market. There was no concrete statement indicating that in the graph that was provided. Therefore, you may have created an inaccurate assumption, which would have led to misinformation of the reader.

Your job in this essay was not to make assumptions. Rather, you were to only report on the provided information. By creating an opinion of the present information, when it was not required nor indicated in the graph analysis instructions, you created a questionable and inaccurate report. It is not your job to create a conclusion regarding the information. It is only your job to report on it based on comparisons and main features. So unless you are asked to make an assumption in the report, avoid doing that as it will have a direct effect on your TA score.

Writing Feedback / Governments should plan more budget for railways development rather than roads system [2]

Lin, this is one of those "emotional" essays where you are asked to offer a degree of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The "extent" part of the instruction means that you have to create a degree of either agreement or disagreement with the statement. So you can't just say you "agree". You need to use any of the following terms to indicate the strength of your agreement / disagreement:

I strongly agree/disagree
I totally agree / disagree
I tentatively agree / disagree
I agree / disagree to a certain extent

Along with a host of other variations. When you use the emotional descriptions, you need to discuss only one side of the issue. However, if you say "tentatively" or "to a certain extent", you have some leeway to discuss both sides of the argument in your essay. It would be best if you opt to discuss using only one emotion though (totally, strongly) so that you can focus more on developing your individual reasons that will increase your overall score, rather than dividing your discussion in a manner that could adversely affect the scoring consideration as you will end up trying to discuss too much information per paragraph. Remember, you need to make yourself understood within only 5 sentences. So trying to cover too much in a paragraph would be detrimental to your scoring considerations.

In this essay, you should have used the "tentatively" or "certain extent" representation in order to make the rest of your discussion acceptable to the examiner. Without that representation in your paraphrasing, you should have only discussed and offered evidence for one side of the discussion. In fact, the discussion that you provided is weak because you try to discuss at least 2 reasons per paragraph, which never works because of the lack of discussion development space. Also, writing only 2 complete paragraphs instead of the minimum 3 paragraph essay will seriously lower your C&C score. If you have completely developed at least 4 paragraphs, you would have gotten a better score and possible passed the test. In this current version of the essay though, that will be hard to achieve.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Freedom in art. I mostly agree with this idea. [4]

Tran, you need to learn that you are not supposed to create your own prompt question when writing an essay. The original prompt is not there for you to simply disregard so you can discuss a topic that you want in relation to the original prompt. When you show that you do not understand English instructions, you will not pass the test. Let me show you the correct paraphrase for this discussion:

Creative artists require the freedom to openly express their artistic concepts and ideas in a manner that they deem fit. This can be done by an artist through an artistic representation using words, pictures, music, film, or any alternative form of art. There are times when the public and the government tend to try and control these artistic declarations. Based upon the controlling actions of the public and government, there have been a number of people who have said that there is no room for public and government restrictions in art. I strongly disagree with this statement for reasons that I will be discussing below.

Do you see how different our opening statements are? Mine is more in line with the original prompt presentation. Yours, on the other hand, is nowhere near the original discussion instruction.

This is a single opinion discussion essay that requires you to defend your stance. Why did you offer a comparison essay to the examiner? Please, do your best and try to learn the different types of IELTS Task 2 discussion essay formats. You need to pair up a particular discussion style with a particular discussion instruction. If you don't do that, you end up writing an essay that deviates from the prompt and will result in a failing score.

Scholarship / "Journalism is my way to dedicate myself to society" [3]

Lukya, what is the prompt you are trying to respond to? I cannot get a sense of what it is that you are trying to say in this essay because I do not know what the main point of the paper is supposed to be. I wish you had clarified that when you posted the essay because I can only give you one advice per essay topic. In this instance, I believe that the essay has grammatical inaccuracies that affect the presentation and clarity of the paper. The paragraphs lack transition sentences that would help the reviewer move from one paragraph to the next with a clear sense of what you are discussing throughout the essay progression. I guess the main thing that is missing from your essay is the strong personal reason that you have for wanting to become a journalist. The reasoning you provided does not really create a strong sense of personal conviction. What is your cause as a journalist? How could you make a difference as one? How can the scholarship help you become a journalist? These are some of the questions that are normally responded to in a scholarship essay. I don't see any clear references to those concerns in your essay. Answer this question: "What is journalistic dedication with integrity all about and what does it mean to you?" Maybe, if you respond to that prompt question as I provided it, you will be able to come up with a better essay.

Scholarship / KGSP statement: Motivations, background in family and education, experiences, activities, skills... [2]

Denny, I do not know how to say this without offending you. This essay is one big mess that does not make any sense at all and does not respond to the prompt requirements in a manner that would allow for a proper consideration of your essay submission. In fact, the reviewer will not even finish your first paragraph before he decides to reject your application.

The work that you wrote sounds like you used a very bad translator program to write it. I have a feeling that you wrote this essay first in your native language then translated it word for word into English. Doing that results in a disaster as evidenced by this essay that you wrote. There is no reference to your family background or significant experiences that proves you can overcome obstacles towards your path to success, and the parts that do correspond to the prompt requirements are highly difficult to understand. You need to be specific about your extra curricular and community activities as well. It is too general in presentation and does not really offer any real information that can be of help to the reviewer in considering your application.

It is unfortunate that your essay is so badly developed. However, I cannot revise this essay so that the grammar can be improved and the content can be made more prompt relevant. You need professional help to fix this paper. I strongly suggest you look up our services link avail of the assistance that it offers. If you wish to try and revise this essay yourself, you can start by totally removing the first paragraph because it is not useful in your presentation. There is no need to waste the time of the reviewer by reading your thanks that you were allowed to apply for the scholarship. Just jump directly into an accurate response for each instruction. Make sure you respond, per paragraph, to every instruction. That way, you can tell for yourself if the essay is responsive at all to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teachers were more appreciated and valued by society in the past than they are nowadays [2]

Lee, your topic line is not in accordance with the prompt. You jumped the gun and actually misfired in the way that you presented your opening statement. The topic line should be representative of the original discussion provided. You accidentally changed it in the presentation that you made. Always remember that the accurate paraphrasing of the topic should come at the very start of the opening statement. You could have made your presentation stronger by saying something similar to this:

In the past century, teachers were given more appreciation and value for the work that they do. However, at the start of this new century, it seems that the considerations for teachers, as previously mentioned, have dwindled. That is why I agree with the statement that level of appreciation and value given to teachers in general has decreased. I believe that there are several reasons related to history, differing parental point's of view, and an evolving relationship between students and teachers that caused the change in perspective about teachers to happen. In this essay, I will offer supporting explanations and points of view to prove my discussion points.

I see that you based you evidence and supporting statements on the historical context of the discussion. Since the examiner will be some random person who does not know who you are and where you came from, you need to be more specific in your presentation. Give the name of your country since you are referring to a point in its history. This will help the examiner better understand the reasoning behind your discussion. Without the name of your country, he will be hard to convince that your example and reasoning is accurate or believable.

Try to use consistent examples as examples in your essay. So if you discuss that corporal punishment was previously used, then follow that up with the fact that parents no longer believe in corporal punishment in your country and frown upon teachers who practice it as one of the reasons why the respect for teachers has dwindled over time. In any English test, the fluidity of your discussion is being considered so your examples and reasons need to connect to one another in a convincing manner. Focus on only one example and reason per paragraph as that will make it easier for you to write a stronger essay.

Please be careful with your punctuation marks. In the the 4th paragraph, you have a comma after saying that the relationship between teachers and students change. There was no need for a comma or the word "too". You need to make a strong statement in your declarations. The certainty in your writing will help portray you as truly knowledgeable regarding the matter. Adding words like "too" when it is not necessary makes your statement sound weak.

Your essay is based on good reasons and has potential. The problems you have in writing are minor when compared to others. I know that you will be able to improve over time. Just keep writing and I'll guide you towards a passing score (at the very least) in your TOEFL test. That is guaranteed.

Undergraduate / How's about good Life. Everyone wants a good lifestyle, I do too, I want to good a job near my [3]

Tran, your statement is not bery good. You have topic sentences without the proper verbs in them so that the sentence does not make sense. Remember, the verb describes the action in the sentence so when you say things like, "I like Shopping and furniture when I need", the sentence does not make any sense. There is no action to describe the topic. Your sentences are all similar in problem. There is no sense because there is no clear statement of action. Therefore, the statement is confusing to read and causes undue stress on the reader.

For example, what did you mean by "I like shopping and furniture when I need"? I am confused by what you are trying to say about "I also lots of friends so I can stuff do..." Did you mean" I also have a lot of friend with whom I can do stuff"? What do you mean by "happing at work" and "going out the gyms", even more confusing is what you are trying to say by "... doing thing going places...".

The statement just lacks so many connecting and descriptive words that if this were an actual test, I would give you a failing mark due to incoherence and lack of simple grammatical skills. By the way, learn when and where to place a period in your sentences in order to create an understandable sentence.

Scholarship / The leader leaves a 'fingerprint' in minds he inspires - Chevening essay for leadership [4]

Nada, this is seriously not an acceptable leadership and influencing essay. It seems that you misunderstood the requirements of the essay discussion. You are being asked to offer an example of your leadership and influencing skills. You are not being asked to define what leadership is and then offer such flimsy examples of your leadership skills. If you offer this essay to the reviewer, he will read it, consider it a college level paper and end your scholarship application process immediately. Delete this essay from your files and start over. This time, take the topic seriously and offer professional examples of your leadership skills.

Has there ever been a time in your time as a pharmacist when you were called upon to lead members of your department? What was the problem? How did you influence your fellow department members to resolve the issue? Think of this as an essay about being a problem solver. When did you face a problem that forced you to lead people and how did you manage to lead them? That is what the leadership and influencing essay is all about.

What you wrote here is nothing of the sort. This is not even applicable for use as a common app essay prompt for college application. It is not an essay that you can even set aside for future use. As hard as it may be for you, you must write a new, more prompt responsive essay for your application.

Writing Feedback / The variety of degree and diploma's types which Australian post - school students received in 1999 [3]

Tran, when you discuss essays that have specific percentage markers in the chart, as in the case of this essay, it would be best to not use estimates in your analysis presentation. When the bar falls directly upon a given digit / figure, use the actual figures at all times. That is because the analysis essay tests your ability to create specific and accurate report presentations. When you use estimates in instances when specifics are given, you misinform the reader. Remember, the reader is always assumed to not have a copy of the illustration, which is why you must relay only an accurate summary of the report, specially when it comes to the numerical data. I know that you are advised by your tutors to use "estimation" words in order to show off your English vocabulary. However, that presentation only works when there are no actual figures presented in the image aside from say, the midpoint of the percentage. Then you can imagine the percentage guide rule on the page and use "estimation" words instead.

If you want to get a good score in the C&C section of the essay, always make sure that you present complete paragraphs. Use full sentences instead of connected information presentation so that you can reach the minimum 3 sentence requirement. Your summary would have been better if you had included the types of diplomas in the list, along with the gender of the test crowd. Again, these are bits of information that help to create the outline of your discussion and show that you did a thorough analysis of the information you were presented with.

Be conscious of your spelling. One mistake (follwing - following) and your LR score will be reduced. Your comparison does not accurately outline all of the information from the graph. You took shortcuts in your report as well by not fully representing each diploma was that represented in the chart. The examiner will see that and score you on a reduced TA scale. Accuracy of information is the name of the game when it comes to the Task 1 essay. Don't forget that. The more inaccurate your information, the more incomplete the information presentation, the lesser your chance of passing the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: discussion on getting married late or living alone in woman. [5]

Lan, your attempt at writing an essay is admirable. Problem filled, but admirable just the same because your intent to make yourself fully understood is evident. Unfortunately, you English language skills are not yet at what we professionals call the "intermediate" stage. Your language grasp is "basic" at best and as such, creates problems for you when you write essays such as these. It would be best if you do not try to use complex sentences at this point. Just present basic discussions in order to make sure that your LR and GRA score will at least get a passing score.

You must focus your energies right now on learning to write the proper paraphrase of the original prompt. You need to make sure that you use only the keywords from the original prompt in order to direct the examiner to the fact that you understand what is required of you, but do not use so many words from the original that it almost sounds plagiarized as your current opening statement does. Please refer to my example as a guide:

The modern woman does not always get married early. Sometimes, she marries later in life or she opts for the single life. Each choice that the woman makes has its own advantages and disadvantages. This essay will examine a reason behind each trend.

I highlighted the keywords from the original essay that I used in relation to the topic, but presented in a different format. That is how you present a properly paraphrased statement that falls within the 3 sentence minimum requirement.

Try to develop only one reason per paragraph because you are scored on your ability to fully explain your line of reasoning instead of the number of reasons that you present. If you only present under explained sentences or reasons, your essay will not get a high score for the C&C portion as it relates to your ability to express yourself coherently in English.

It will also be better if you use information that is general in nature rather than specific to you home country. Unless, the relation to your home country is because the reason is based on a personal experience. Using a personal experience in explaining your reason shows a deeper ability to understand English and express yourself in the English language. When you use country specific information, you limit the line of reasoning that you can present and discuss.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay for university choices-clear enough [6]

Katiuska, the Chevening scholarship committee requires you to completely present 3 university choices, regardless of whether or not you have already received acceptance to your university of choice. You only have 2 universities listed here which could result in an automatic disqualification of your application. You must add another university to the list in order to ensure the full qualification of your essay response.

Next, you should remove the opening spiel that you wrote. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read through so much prologue. He only wants to read about the 3 universities immediately. Provide that information right away. This is not a creative essay, this is an informative essay and the reviewer doesn't have the time to waste when there are thousands of other applications waiting to be read by him.

Your decision to choose a particular university must be in accordance with your actual professional experience and future requirements of your profession. The explanations you gave are too shallow and only looks at what the course can offer you. The relationship with your professional qualifications need to be better detailed in the essay. More importantly, you should highlight your future career plans in relation to each masters degree that you could potentially be taking at each university.

The essay needs to be revised in order to better reflect the requirements of the prompt. You cannot use a generic opening statement as you have presented in this essay, prior to the list because the specifications must be focused on each university offering rather than a general consideration of your study requirements. Since this is a word limited essay, I strongly suggest you adjust the content in order to better reflect your academic needs, its future professional application, and what qualifications you currently have (in detail) that make you a good candidate for each course.

Scholarship / There's one word that stands out throughout my life, and it's adaptability [3]

Excellent essay Leslie! The content truly helps the reviewer to get to know you better as a person and potential peer to the other students on campus. Your resiliency and adaptability are clear in this essay. By the way, I would resiliency to the personal attribute description. It creates a stronger sense of who you are as a person. If I may, I would like to suggest that you open with your story first. Save the lessons that you learned for the closing paragraph. It creates more of an impact in the reverse position than it does now. Additionally, you need to change all time references to past tense since all these events have taken place already. In the part where you tell the story, divide it into paragraph discussions. That way the reviewer can better keep track of an assess the relevance of the stories that you are presenting. Making it less bunched on the page helps the reviewer read with a sense of ease and also, allows you to have more room for presentation development (as per the maximum word count requirement). Again, the essay is perfect. Don't change any of the information in it. Pay attention to the presentation method instead in order to create a stronger statement presentation.

Undergraduate / Support in utilizing knowledge. Georgia Tech Supplement Essay: Why Georgia Tech? [3]

Jacob, your response is good. It carries all of the required elements of a properly developed statement. However, the positioning of your sentences are not effective. I suggest that you reformat the essay sentences in order to clear a certainty in your presentation that does not currently exist. Make the sentence that states; Through my recent visit... up to sentence that ends with; "...when it is needed." your opening salvo instead. Place the personal sentiment about; "I personally believe...", till; "they even graduate." your closing lines instead. Reversing the position of the sentence presentations creates a better response to the question. The new opening line immediately indicates why you chose Georgia Tech. The closing lines, offer a personal reason for choosing Georgia Tech that aligns with the teaching method of the university. When combined, it creates a far more personal and academic approach to the method by which you chose this university.

Writing Feedback / Combination of different methods. How to reduce crime - IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

Houng, your opening statement is short of the required number of sentences and also begins the essay discussion at the end of the paragraph when only a discussion description was required. The paragraph would have been improved if you had used complete sentences rather than run-on sentences to present the discussion. The more acceptable format for the opening statement would have been:

These days, a discussion has been ongoing regarding the best way to reduce crime. Some believe that crime can be lessened if longer prison sentences are applied to criminal punishments. While others believe that alternatives to a long prison sentence could also reduce crime. In this essay, both points of views will be discussed along with a statement representing my personal opinion regarding the topic for discussion.

As you can see, the original prompt asked you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Yet the way you have the essay formatted, each paragraph represents only your personal opinion because it does not clarify that the statement is based on a publicly known opinion. A more proper presentation for each point of view should have started with any of the following:

According to those who support the idea of a longer prison sentence...
There are people who believe that a longer prison sentence...
Those who believe in a longer prison sentence say that...

Those who oppose the longer prison sentence say that...
Those who advocate for alternatives to a longer prison sentence...
Some people would like to consider alternatives to a longer prison sentence such as...

By using any of the alternative opening sentences for your discussion paragraphs, you will be in a better position to clearly represent each point of view in the discussion before finally presenting your own opinion prior to the concluding paragraph. Do your best to focus only one the development of one reason or one evidence of the effectiveness of a longer or alternative to a prison sentence in order to create a stronger paragraph statement that will best display your English thinking and writing skills. Based on the instructions I have indicated above, you should already have realized that your closing paragraph is in error and should be improved upon in your succeeding practice tests.

Undergraduate / Long-term goal, process and obstacles - University of Cincinnati Application [3]

Van, the essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt requirement. What you wrote about is a dream in progress. What the essay requires you to write is a dream that has already come true. For example, when you speak of wanting to renovate your house, that is the long term goal. Had you succeeded in convincing your parents to at least renovate your room, then you would have had a long term goal that have obstacles, a process that you used to overcome the problems, and then, the fulfillment of your goal. You need to write a new essay. Before you do that though, you must think of something that you accomplished in your life when you were told that you would either never make it happen or that you don't have what it takes to see it to reality. Think of a more achievable plan you had in life. Some would write about making the school varsity team when one was rejected before or something like that. The essay needs to contain a goal that you achieved over time. That is what the focus of the essay needs to be. The current essay that you have still a work in progress without an ending. That isn't what the prompt wants you to deliver. It needs an ending.

Undergraduate / Potatoes on Drugs ---An essay for Common Application (write your own prompt). [2]

Hey Allison, I understand that you are writing an open topic essay here and I have to tell you, this is some pretty creative, imaginative, and engrossing writing that you have done. You have introduced yourself will to the reviewer in terms of your "rebellious" side. Which I don't really as rebellious in as much as it is "mischievous" behavior. This already gives them an idea as to the kind of student you will be in class. Fair warning all around. The beauty of an open topic essay is that there is no real right or wrong way of writing it. Neither does it have to produce a set prompt requirement. Have you decided what prompt topic you will use with this essay? It could be an actual title for the essay or a prompt description. I believe that you will strengthen your presentation if you do not use a title for the essay. By going for a specific prompt description, you will be able to add an explanation or clarify the expectations the reviewer may have as he reads your essay. The essay is good. It allows your personality to leap from the page. You will do well to use this essay for your open topic. Just make sure that the prompt you develop is just as creative and strong in impact as the essay itself.

Writing Feedback / The seaside resort of Templeton experienced significant change from 1990 to 2005. [2]

Trong, before you even think about your word formation problems, you must first consider if your essay meets the minimum requirements / representation of the original prompt. Your essay is severely lacking in terms of proper formatting. Your summary overview is incomplete and does not include the trending statement that it should have. The opening statement does not provide an accurate overview of the task presented to you. This paragraph should have read:

The seaside resort of Templeton has experienced significant changes between the years of 1990 and 2005. A comparison map for each year has been supplied for this examination. The map indicates the various changes, per year that occurred in the resort. This essay will summarize the information regarding the changes made and also offer a comparison discussion in parts where it is relevant to do so. The overall trend shows that town evolved more into a residential area from than its previously mixed use area.

Aim to write at least 3 complete paragraphs for the Task 1 essay. That is the minimum requirement. 3 completely developed paragraphs. That means each paragraph needs to have at least 3 sentences in it otherwise, it will not be considered as having met the C&C requirements of the test. Your current second paragraph is too long. You need to learn how to divide the essay into specific paragraphs that will represent the various changes in the map. Since there are 2 years to compare the format should have been:

1st body paragraph - information from 1990
2nd body paragraph - information from 2005
3rd body paragraph - comparison of similar information from the two maps

This would have easily created a more acceptable and higher scoring 4 paragraph essay instead. Remember, the key is to show off your English writing skills based on the available information while following the included instructions. Doing that will ensure that you pass the test. Rush it, the way that you wrote this essay, and your score may be in danger of not reaching a passing score.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay: Specific Background/Interest [3]

Rowlie, you won't believe how many essays I have edited both on this forum that speak of the same thing. The bilingual background of the person in relation to their personal identity. It is a tired and often times, boring essay for the reviewers to read already. Your story is similar to the countless other bilingual immigrants in the United States today. It doesn't make your application stand out. It just makes it "one of those" or "like many others" coming from immigrant applicants to college. Rather than discussing your background, perhaps you have a unique interest or talent that you can discuss instead? Normally, it is the character of a person that catches the eye of the reviewer, not the background. The background essay, in your case, sounds too similar to the countless other immigrant background essays that will be and have been submitted for review. Since you want your essay to pop in the eyes of the reviewer, it would be best to go for something more uncommon in the discussion. A talent or an interest in particular field that is not related to your chosen major for instance, would make excellent topic replacements for your consideration. This current essay just doesn't stand out. It is not that your background is not good. It just that it is too similar to the stories of other immigrant students. It will be hard to differentiate you from the other applicants if you use this essay for your application.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Discussion about happiness - condicive factors to reach it [3]

Tran, this is an acceptable essay. There are a few problems that lowered the writing standard that you presented which I would like to call your attention to. In the second paragraph, your first sentence is improperly developed and shows tremendous incoherence in the manner that you wrote it. The sentence does not make any sense in English. You need to remember that you cannot just write an English version of your Vietnamese thoughts. You need to make sure that the sentence is properly translated into English for it to make sense to the reader. Transliteration gets you a messy, incoherent and non-cohesive sentence / paragraph.

You are trying to discuss too many things in each paragraph. In order to create a well written and paragraph that will pass the cohesiveness and coherence test, you must present only one idea for discussion and develop that thoroughly. Try to avoid using special punctuation marks like ellipses (...) since this is an academic essay and the special punctuation marks are more used in the creative writing field.

For the conclusion, you need to just focus on summarizing the previous content of the essay. Don't bother with introducing new discussion points as you did here because you cannot present more than 5 paragraphs for the discussion. Just make sure that you present a recap of your written work within 5 sentences and you will be alright.

This is a very good attempt at writing an essay. You had a few missteps here and there but it looks like you are well on your way to improving your written abilities. Keep up the good work.

Writing Feedback / Classmates and parents - two important factors which contribute to the academic success of a child [3]

Dovu, your opening statement was strong and right on the mark until you said "I personally believe..." Your personal opinion, although required in this essay, was misrepresented. You should have instead stated that "I agree with the opinion that classmates..." Remember, this is not a "belief" essay. This is an "agreement or disagreement" essay. Always make sure that you follow the instruction sentence of the prompt you are provided. BTW, pay particular attention to your punctuation marks. You are missing one at the end of this paragraph.

Your second paragraph is too long. It goes beyond the maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. You should have just led with the story about how you trusted your classmates more and then stated the reason for it. The topic sentence first, the explanation second. The explanation must be completed within 3-4 sentences in order to be properly effective in the essay.

Your concluding statement continues to present additional information for the topic being discussed. That is unacceptable. The concluding statement needs to follow the same parameters as the rest of the essay. That means, it should be at least 3 sentences long to qualify as a paragraph and should offer a new summary for the topic being discussed, the information presented and a repeat of your "agreement" not belief, in the discussion that took place.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS Task 1) a pie chart describing water purposes - for analysis [6]

Tommy, you must only use information given in the illustration. Since there was no differentiation between developing and developed countries specifically mentioned in the illustration, you should not have mentioned that at all. That is considered misinformation and would have led the reader astray, meaning, you would have supplied wrong information to the reader that may have an effect on the opinion that he is supposed to create based on your summary report. A simple listing of the 6 countries involved would have been sufficient enough to strengthen the opening statement. Instead, you weakened the overall essay by including fictitious information. By the way, in the summary overview, you forgot to mention what the uses of water that were being reviewed were. That is required information that you forgot to include. Remember, use all the information in the chart. Do not make up information as that will make you fail the test.

You lack trending information in the essay and your last 2 paragraphs fall short of the required 3-5 sentence requirement. This means that you did not bother to try and develop a well written essay. You just wanted to be over and done with it. The short paragraphs / sentences indicate a lack of analysis of the information given. You were not careful in the development of your essay content. You took liberties by presenting information that was not included in the illustration and basically, threw away your chance at getting a passing score at the very least. In my opinion, this particular presentation will not score higher than a 5 due to the problem with your presenting inaccurate information and other problems previously mentioned.