Scholarship / Fulbright ETA Russia Statement of Purpose - looking for critical eyes [2]

Richard, you confused the personal statement with the statement of purpose. The statement of purpose is should contain exactly what its title implies, the purpose of your desire to gain this Fulbright scholarship in relation to your future career intentions. Your essay focuses too much on your ill co-teacher rather than your own story. Focus on your experience as an independent teacher, not as the assistant because the actual teacher was ill at the time and you took over her duties. The reviewer is not interested in her story and how you helped her. He wants to know why you think you deserve this scholarship by explaining the reasons you wish to pursue higher studies. That is not clearly presented in this essay. Specifically, you need to explain why you believe that becoming an ETA in Russia will help you excel in your chosen profession. Just like any other statement of purpose, you need to present your college training in summary form, your professional experience, highlights of your professional career (without focusing on someone else), and the reasons why this is the next step in your career. Let's just say that the earlier parts of your essay, from paragraph one up to three, do not represent a traditional statement of purpose, which I believe you were aiming for here. Now, if you forgot to include some specific prompt requirements for the essay, then you just wasted your one free advice for this essay and my help ends here unless you turn this into an urgent thread.

Writing Feedback / How to save our society? Honour, knowledge, honesty, and humanity. [3]

Maryam, the essay is asking if you agree or disagree with the statement. To say that you are totally against the idea and view does not make sense. It is a prompt deviation that will automatically give this essay a failing score. You did not implement the correct discussion, which should have indicated that you disagree with the statement, not that you are against the idea. You need to follow the prompt requirements for discussion in the opening paraphrase or, as in the case of this essay, you will get a failing score in the Task Accuracy section. Once you get a failing score there, it will be difficult to bring your essay up to a passing score.

Your essay will also suffer failing scores in the remaining sections for scoring. Your grammar is atrocious. Most of the sentences that you wrote do not make any sense to the reader so you will get the lowest possible score in the C&C section as well. Your discussion totally does not represent any of the provided prompt guidelines. Your lexical resources, as evidenced by the incomprehensible paragraphs, proves that you do not understand word / vocabulary meaning either. The GRA will fail due to the very poor sentence structures and tremendously inaccurate grammar. I am sorry to say this but with all the problems the essay has, you will not pass the test at this point.

Don't just write the essays blindly. Make sure you understand the requirements before you even begin to draft the essay. Before you write your next practice test, I want you to look for similar discussions at this forum. Study how the essays were structured, what the problems were with it, and the solutions that were advised to help the writer improve. Note the advice given and then try to apply it to your own essay writing. I assure you that you will see an improvement in your work if you do as I advise.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Macaroni and Cheese [3]

Hi Jeff, this is a very interesting quirk driven essay that you have decided to share with us and the reviewer. While the essay informs the reviewer about your particular interest, this doesn't come across as something that is relevant to your interest in your chosen major. So I am really convinced that this will make for a relevant essay using the prompt that you chose. In my opinion, you should be using this as a response to prompt number 7 instead:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

In my opinion, the reasons why you prefer to eat Mac n' Cheese and your desire to have the kids meal at times does not signify an interest but rather a quirk in your character. A quirk is defined as an idiosyncrasy, a peculiar trait in a person. I think that the topic you chose to discuss better aligns itself with an open prompt topic that you can create rather than the prompt that you chose for this. You can make your own prompt up to add to the essay so that the reviewer will know what you are discussing. It will create a better understanding of your individuality if you create your topic discussion instead of using prompt 1.

While I can understand why you would think that this is a topic of interest, this is not usually the sort of topic discussed for the prompt that you chose. That prompt normally represents a unique hobby, a learning interest aside from the one that leads towards your major, or a story that shows a unique character building trait on your end. It is a topic that, when presented, helps the reviewer to learn something relevant about you as a person and as a student. I just don't think that your interest in this particular dish qualifies as such.

Writing Feedback / The resistance to change is a striking human's instinctive trait [IELTS TASK 2] [3]

Kenzin, your prompt paraphrase and actual discussion of the essay is leaning on the wrong side. This means that your essay is not entirely in accordance with the prompt requirements as indicated in the original discussion. You need to make sure that you accurately address the original topic and instructions in the first paragraph so that you can get a high TA score and hopefully, the correct paraphrase will also help you discuss the body of paragraphs within the required parameters. The opening statement should be indicative as follows:

People have been known as creatures who do not really like it when events in their lives change. This resistance to normal changes normally causes certain problems for those who remain unable to cope with the evolution of their lives. This essay will discuss the types of problems that the human resistance to change causes and also offer a suggestion as to how these changes can be resolved.

You do not really offer a concrete example of how the changes in the life a person can occur. You turned this into a psychological profile discussion when what was required was an example of the problem and a possible solution. 2 highly simple topics to present. For example:

One of the changes that humans resist is related to the way they need to sometimes change the place where they live. Their fear of leaving the familiarity of a place and the friends that they have made causes them to fear the change in their residence. Hence their reluctance to leave their original home. Yet, circumstances force these changes to happen and they manage to adapt to the situation.

The paragraph above depicts a simple problem regarding the human reluctance to change and the reasons why they are sometimes resistant to the idea. The next paragraph offers a solution to the problem:

In an effort to resolve this sort of fear, a person needs to first understand the underlying causes of the change. For children, maybe their parents need to work in a new place. For adults, maybe they need to move to a new place in order to seek better opportunities. The point is, when a change is being made, a person must first understand what the reasons are for the change to take place. This helps him become less reluctant and more accepting of change.

For the conclusion, the more appropriate approach would have been:

While people will continue to be resistant to change due to certain reasons, this does not erase the fact that change is required in human lives. Though resistant to change, a person will always accept that it eventually has to happen. With enough thought and reasoning, the problem of resisting change can be overcome in a manner that makes a person accept change.

Learn to look at the smaller picture when writing these essays. You need to keep it interesting, related to the original topic, and also offer reasonable solutions that can easily be undertaken by individuals. You are not discussing world peace here, just man's resistance to change, one a localized level. Remember, one topic per paragraph should be discussed in order to help you better develop your reasoning and also, so you won't lose focus of the actual discussion.

Undergraduate / COLLEGE UNDERGRADUATE ESSAY FOR UIC (UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT CHICAGO) [3]

Keneel, the essay that you wrote does not provide a specific career plan for you once you graduate. While you effectively explained why you chose to enroll in Computer Engineering, it does not explain what sort of career you envision yourself having after you graduate. You need to explain how this major relates to the profession you want to have in life. You can opt to explain several careers related to Computer Engineering if you wish. After all, you are an incoming freshman and your career plans are subject to change as you progress with your studies. The essay just wants you to prove that you are intent on completing this course and that you will not suddenly shift courses midstream as most college students are prone to do. Think in terms of the goals for your study. Why this course? What career do you see yourself working in within 5 years? Consider the career opportunities that this course affords you, rank them from 1-5 with 1 being your career of choice. Then discuss. That should help you better aim your response towards the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Illness prevention as opposed to illness treatment [3]

Linh, in the total course of your essay postings, you still have not learned how to tell the difference between the different discussion styles. You have to know when to use a comparative essay discussion and when you have to write an opinion essay alone. I keep on explaining to you that the word "OR" in a prompt means "choose only one side to discuss". You can't seem to remember that and it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me to help you with your essays because you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I am afraid that because you are not showing enough signs of improvement in your essay writing, specifically in the English comprehension skills part, that you will not be prepared to pass this test in time. You need to show improvements soon otherwise, I will not be able to help you anymore. You have to try and write the correct essay for the prompts every time. Ask people to explain the prompt if you don't understand it. I keep trying to help you but you are not applying the lessons that I am teaching you so the same mistakes keep showing up so I am starting to sound like a broken record in delivering the explanations as to how to analyze and respond to the essays to you.

In this essay, you did not signify the degree of your disagreement (I strongly disagree, I partially disagree, I disagree to a certain extent) and once again you did a compare and contrast essay discussion. Your paraphrased prompt is less than 3 sentences (as required) and you not only presented an opinion where you should not have, but you also discussed a portion of it in the opening statement. All of which will result in a failed TA score and as such, a failed overall score. How can you fix this problem? Read the advice that I gave you for the essays located in https://essayforum.com/writing/idolization-effects-76873/ and https://essayforum.com/writing/importance-local-history-opposed-world-76599/ Those are the essays that I already tried to correct for you that have the same problems as this one.

Undergraduate / Georgia tech supplemental essay - Why GATEch? and "be comfortable being uncomfortable" questions [6]

Minjae, as a reminder, we have a one essay per thread policy at this forum. You were not supposed to post these two essay prompts in a single thread. Since you are a first timer here, and the responses that you wrote are not that long, I was given a special clearance by the admin to respond to both essays in this thread. This is a one time deal. The next essays that you post need to be one essay per thread. Remember that the next time that you post here.

For the first essay, you are not really explaining why you want to go to Georgia Tech. It seems that you are too focused on the motto of the university about playing hard and working hard. This created a very confusing and unfocused response on your part. It seems, from the order that you discussed the social life, academic, and work opportunities offered by the school, that you are looking for a "party" university first and foremost. Let me tell you now, discussing that first will give the reviewer the impression that you are not a serious student and you will probably just do enough work in academics to get by and remain in the school. As an incoming freshman, your sole focus should be on laying a solid foundation for your future years of study at this school. So reverse the discussion. Bring the academics to the front, the internship opportunities next, the social life, should be last and must be a mere mention in your response. Right now, the social aspect of the university is taking most of the response space. That is not good for your application.

Your second response is acceptable. Just work on improving the grammar structure by trying to use the proper tense usage, connecting words, and appropriate word choices. Have your English teacher help you review your responses and ask for help in creating a smoother presentation. The essay just needs some final editing to make sure the content is created in a more coherent manner than what you have written. Strive to produce college level writing and responses in both statement essays.

Undergraduate / Rubik's Cube. CommonApp essay on loving to solve problems [2]

NIhaal, there are two different concepts running in your essay. You are discussing (1) the concept of Java and how it intrigued you so that (2) to become an avid programmer who gets lost in space and time. Try to condense these two separate interests into one topic. Either discuss how you get lost in time as you create Java codes or, how Java introduced you to the world of programming, where you can get lost in time using various codes and learning how these worked. By calling the attention of the reviewer to only one story, the essay will be able to better respond to the prompt. It isn't hard to do when you consider that the two topics are directly related. All you have to do, is make sure that only aspect shines in a manner that best highlights its relation to the prompt. I would opt for a talk about the concept of programming in general, using Java as the basis of that interest. As I reviewed your essay, it became clear that your interest is in programming in general and not just Java. Then I would revise the end of the essay to not present all those different interests of yours. Instead, I would just close with another descriptive paragraph that reiterates how you can get lost for hours on end in the computer world of programming.

Writing Feedback / Living In My Sister's Shadow [2]

Banit, this is a pretty good essay. It just lacks a balancing factor in the middle. Something that says your parents knew you were a "rebel without a cause" so to speak and tried to help you understand that you didn't have to be the opposite of your sister for attention or to gain friends. If your mother was the one who told you that she would love you no matter what, then who was the one who told you that your sister had set "high expectations" for you? You need to be clear about who that person was and why the words coming from that person affected you in such a manner. That way, a balance is created in the essay and shows that you were not a rebel because you wanted to be, but because someone had set unfair expectations upon you. Rather than sounding so negative about yourself throughout the essay, why don't you try and explain the points that made you different and somehow, still let you shine in the shadow of your sister? Since this is an essay for culinary school, then highlight how cooking helped you get out of your sister's shadow and allowed you find who you are and who you want to be other than a clone of your sister.

Undergraduate / My unique feature. Being resistant to adversity. University of Virginia supplement Essay [3]

Shreehar, I am not sure if you are actually describing a veiled illness in this essay or if you are just making light of your tendency to see the positive side of the darkest events. The opening statement of your essay is really confusing as it is supposedly describing and "illness" that you have. Had you better formatted the opening statement to instead describe the trait as a quirk, then it would have been better aligned with the rest of the paragraphs that you developed. Your quirk is something that makes you a unique person and will no doubt help you survive the rigors of college life. However, the way that you portray it in the essay does not define it as a quirk but rather an illness that requires medication. Don't do that. Confusing the reader as to whether this is an actual illness or a quirk will not help. I know you were trying to make it comical and light. It backfired. Go for another approach. One that will clearly describe this quirk that you have as exactly that, a quirk. Do not use the terms illness or disease because that totally changes the story you are telling in the essay and doesn't follow the original prompt requirements you were provided with. A quirk is a peculiar trait while an illness is an unhealthy condition of the body or mind. If you are describing an illness, then that is not a quirk.

Undergraduate / Common app essay - Constructive Disaster? My transformation into a strong person. [3]

Dibya, this essay is perfect. You have accurately depicted the cycle of events that happened in Nepal during the earthquake without turning it into an exaggerated soap opera. The reviewer will definitely take note of your presentation. If I were to ask you to change anything though, it would be that you shorten the narrative about how you got home because it makes the essay longer than it has to be without actually establishing a sense of personal growth or reflection on your part. If you can revise the narrative in that portion, you will find that the essay will be tighter and more interesting. It will also allow you to have more room for your personal traits development and the understanding that you came to have of the little boy that you helped. Those parts seem a bit too short in the essay compared to the establishing paragraphs that you created. Try to place more focus on your development in relation to helping the boy so that you can describe the event as one that helped you understand yourself and someone else in a more important and highlighted context.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: teaching children a special skill to tell the right and wrong [3]

Chou, you cannot start your opening paragraph with the phrase "In fact". That is a term that is used to connote a stronger evidence of a previously presented piece of information. In this instance, you have not presented any information yet, so using that reiterating phrase is not applicable. You must first discuss something before you can reinforce your statement by saying "In fact..."

You must familiarize yourself with the English terms that you want to use. Just knowing how the word sounds, but not how it is spelled will result in a disaster for your LR score. The following words were misspelled in your essay:

1. neutrally (naturally)
2. begging (beginning)

You also need to know that the essays will always be written in present tense therefore, all of your tense usage must be in present, instead of past form. You made that mistake with the term "punished". You should have used the present tense of the word which is "punish".

Save for these technical errors on your part, the message of your essay is clear. Your thoughts are easily understood and does not cause undue stress for the reviewer. If you can improve upon these problem points in your next essays (for starters), we should have you well on your way towards a passing score for the test in no time.

Essays / Give your opinion if the government should tackle obesity, bad lifestyle problem [2]

Quyet, your opening statement is so confusing, I did not understand the point of the paragraph. Do not try to write complex sentences at this point. You are not yet capable of doing so. You should only be practicing developing simple sentences for now. It is in your best interest to not try and rush your increased level of writing. If you push yourself too hard, you will not be able to properly develop your English writing skills. A word of advice, always close the opening paragraph with the instruction regarding the discussion. That means, you must indicate, as the last sentence, whether or not you believe in the statement in the manner that the prompt instructs you to do.

The instruction you were given was for a single opinion essay. You opted to discuss it as a compare and contrast essay. This is further evidence that your English comprehension skills are still weak and, based upon the work that you did in this essay, you will definitely not pass the test in the actual setting. Try to make a few changes to your writing style that should help to increase your chances of passing the test.

As mentioned before, do not try to write complex sentences because you are not yet grammatically capable of doing so. Your aim should be to make yourself clearly understood by the reader, using the most applicable English words that you know. Using "big" words, when it doesn't make sense in your presentation is not going to help increase your LR and GRA score.

Make sure that you understand what the prompt requirements are and how to discuss it. This is of the utmost importance because if you make a mistake in the discussion, you will automatically fail the test. It would be best if your read the other IELTS essays that have been written and posted here in order to familiarize yourself with the various prompt requirements and how to best discuss them during your practice tests. Take note of the advice previously given to the students and apply it to your own work.

Writing Feedback / College Composition CLEP Essay - Need Critique of Concealed Carry Essay [3]

Paul, the instructions you were provided with for the writing of this essays has asked you to reflect on the issue based on the arguments that were presented. The arguments were then supposed to be incorporated into the writing of your essay. The instructions specifically state that you have to make mention of the facts you were provided in the essay. Either through in-text citation or paraphrasing. None of which you did in your response. I guess you forgot to take note of that very important instruction. While the CLEP is a more lenient English test, it still requires you to follow the instructions as these are supplied to you in the prompt requirements. Your essay is based mostly on your knowledge of the events when, in the original prompt, you were clearly requested to; "synthesize the two sources provided" with your personal opinion. That means, you are to develop your discussion based on previously provided information, expanded upon by personal knowledge. In this case, you forgot the synthesis portion. In fact, you even forgot to paraphrase the discussion provided for you in the prompt. Just launching into the discussion based on your personal opinion, without first explaining the two points of view and then offering your opinion as the thesis statement makes the essay a bit confusing to read because the point of the whole discussion got lost in translation. Your grammar is acceptable. It is your discussion method that has created a problem for you.

Essays / Art for Art's Sake: The Legacy of Surrealism in Contemporary Advertising Culture [3]

I suggest that you first look into the history of Surrealism in the Arts before you look into Surrealism in culture. As with any Art centered research paper, the history of the art form is more important than its current applications because it is only through its history that you can explain how it affects modern art form. Study the surrealist paintings of the notable practitioners of the art form and note the reasons that they had for painting in such a manner. Look into the historical context of the art form in terms of its early application not only to art, but to the portrayal of some sort of advertising on the part of the painter. The difference is, the art form is not selling a product at that time. It is selling an idea or a political statement. Decide which manner you wish to represent in your essay paper and then add a chapter that relates to that in the outline and chapter divisions. You should find that it is much easier to relate the modern Surrealist art form to the ancient form when you think of ancient art as a method of advertising, which is the whole point of your paper.

Graduate / How to look stand out in your self introduction of KGSP Graduate [4]

Develop a more focused family background for yourself. Shorten the part about your view of life. The first part of your essay must contain a summarized autobiography on your part, along with a focus on your hopes and dreams for your own future. Be specific. You are wasting word count and page space with the way that you tend to just discuss topics without really relating them to the prompt specific discussions. There are 4 assessment questions you are required to respond to. Make sure you respond in chronological order and focus only on the topics that are required. Review the prompt requirements against the essay you wrote and you should clearly see which parts should be removed from your essay.

Your motivation for wanting to study a higher level of education is not clear in the essay. This motivation must fall in line with your decision to study your masters degree n Korea. It cannot be a line of reasoning as simple as Korea being a leader in the educational field in the region. You have to convince the reviewer that your decision to study in Korea is because there is a problem or a shortcoming in the masters degree universities in your own country that you have found the Korean masters degree universities are able to address.

If you are expecting to impress the reviewer with the information about you enrolling in a Korean Center in your home country, you are sadly mistaken. You cannot claim to just be studying the language. If you want to truly make an impression, then tell him you took the TOPIK test and indicate your score, along with the test results document. Your narration in that part is relevant, but is weakened by the language reference as there is no indication of your Korean proficiency level. Indicate that you plan to take the TOPIK before you go to Korea if you have plans to do so in order to strengthen your language claims.

Skip the reference to Korean Muslims. Do not turn the essay into an ethnicity discussion. You could insult the reviewer by doing that. Don't mention any member of Korean society at all. Discuss the society in general terms, without any particular focus in order to avoid stepping on toes accidentally.

The last part of your essay is very well developed. Just work on the problem parts in the earlier sections and the essay should come out in a usable format already.

Writing Feedback / The Beauty of the Mysterious Universe - college essay [3]

Callie, the thing is, your essay is not designed to seek out the answer or even hypothesize on a single result stemming from a single event or question. The essay itself lacks a direct connection with one particular discussion. It would be better if you focus solely on the discussion about the earth and its existence instead of suddenly inserting that topic about the kind of person you are known as being in school. That discussion totally threw off the entire essay for me. It created a divergent line of discussion that, since it is divergent, cannot find its way back and as such, affects the overall essay presentation. In my opinion, you need to clarify a number of things:

1. The thesis statement
2. The discussion focus
3. What you hope your final opinion or research result will be based upon facts or personal opinion

Try to explain why you feel that you cannot find an answer to your questions about the universe. As of now, the focus on the quote from Hawking doesn't really do anything else. It just exists but without an actual purpose in the essay. The quote should have led you to some responses or at least suppositions about the universe that would have helped you present your understanding of its beauty and mystery.

Writing Feedback / The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. Do you agree or disagre [2]

@Vietanhdao you have not provided a proper format for this essay. This is very sloppy work that will not pass an examiner's intricate eye for detail and reasoning. Take for example, your opening sentence. You totally disregarded the grammar rules regarding capitalization and sentence structure. There is no clear paraphrasing of the prompt and you immediately discussed the essay instead of following protocol. You also say that the belief is an overstatement instead of saying that you disagree with the statement. Disagreeing with the statement and believing that it is an overstatement are two different essay topics. This proves that you did not understand the prompt requirements at all either. In terms of Task Accuracy, this essay will immediately get a less than passing score and that will affect your later discussions that somehow, run in accordance with the discussion expectations.

Protocol dictates that you offer up complete sentences and paragraphs in order to get proper consideration for your essay scores based on specific criteria. While your essay does provide acceptable reasons and examples that support your belief, the main problem with your essay is that it did not do well in the main scoring consideration, the TA part. Added to that are the punctuation problems of your essay, where you constantly use commas instead of periods to indicate complete thoughts. Additionally, you do not take ownership of the statements provided because you did not use first person pronouns throughout the essay.

The concluding statement is faulty because it continues the discussion of the prompt using additional information. The concluding statement is just a summary of the discussion you created. It does not allow you to present additional information because that would require additional explanations that will not fit within the 5 paragraph statement format.

Essays / Financial sponsor support for higher study in abroad essay [2]

Shakil, you should look into our services link for help in writing those essays. EF does not write the essays for students. You have to write those essays, post those here, and wait for our comments and suggestions for is improvement. Our services section is where you should be looking since you require 5 original essays to be written for you. I can accommodate that request and better assist you work the development of the essays if you avail of my services by securing it through the Services section. That allows you to work with me, as a seasoned writer, during the development section of the essays. Please consider the opportunity to use those services. I assure you that you will not be sorry and you will be recording essays that best reflect your discussion requirements. I look forward to helping you develop these essays. You already know what it is you want to say. You just need someone to make your ideas usable for an application essay.

Writing Feedback / Why international travel became so popular? [3]

Khanh, this would have been a well graded essay if you had not made a mistake in the opening statement. The discussion sentence at the end should have indicated that you were going to discuss the popularity of international travel as a positive development. There was no call for a "benefit" discussion in the essay because that is not the point of the prompt. In your misguided attempt to try and impress the reviewer with your vocabulary skills, you ended up changing the prompt discussion manner instead, which would have resulted in a score that may or may not be passing for you in an actual test setting.

All of your paragraph ideas are little developed because you are discussing too many little related topics in every paragraph. The rule of thumb for this essay is always to present only one opinion, supported by facts in every paragraph. The reviewer is looking for evidence of a coherent and cohesive paragraph development. That cannot be accomplished by presenting multiple topics, with very little evidence to support each one, in every paragraph. Focus on one reason, develop the supporting argument, and come out with a stronger opinion essay.

Do not use American terms if you are not sure of how it is spelled. Even if you know what the word means, if the wrong word is used in the sentence it results in an improper topic or sentence presentation. Your LR score will be severely affected. The term is "growing pressure", not "glowing pressure". Glowing means to express great praise while growing means to undergo natural development by increasing in size and changing physically.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2]: A gap year between school and university [5]

Tran, your paraphrase is a bit short on the required sentence count. You should have divided the presentation into individual sentences that would have helped you meet the minimum word count. This could have been accomplished by presenting each side of the discussion as an individual sentence rather than a collective representation as you did in this essay.

The presentation of your discussion is lacking. You discussed both sides of the issue as evidenced in the two body paragraphs in the essay, but there was no representation of your personal opinion. This was supposed to be the third paragraph in the presentation before your concluding remarks. With that missing paragraph, the essay may not be good enough to gain a passing score. The TA section of the essay will be severely affected in terms of scoring.

By the way, double check the English words that you use. The correct term is "kidnapping" (one word) and "robbery" ( the act of being robbed. Robbing is the action the criminal is doing.)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL Writing] Which action is better for the government to take to protect the environment? [2]

Hi Lupin, I am more than happy to help you review your essay response. You did a good job in explaining the essay topic. The fact that you knew to include the other choices in the discussion of the paraphrased statement shows a clear understanding of the given discussion. Opting to present your choice upfront also helped to prepare the reader for the upcoming discussion. However, the essay asked you to pick only one option to justify in the discussion you will be providing. The mention of the other 2 choices as part of the discussion became irrelevant and changed the prompt instruction from a single discussion to a multiple discussion. The essay asked you for an opinion regarding "Which one of the following do you think is the most important for the nation's government to take to protect the environment?". This indicates that the essay is meant to only present one choice with supporting data following in the remaining 3 body paragraphs. You were not being asked to compare and contrast the 3 choices. Like I said, the previous choices are irrelevant in the mode of discussion described for this essay. You need to be careful when you read the discussion instructions. Make sure that you understand what you are being required to do and present in the essay. Don't just write the essay if you are not sure of how to approach the discussion. Since this is a practice essay, you have the opportunity to ask questions in order to make sure that you will respond to the prompt properly. Take advantage of that opportunity because you need to be familiar with all the essay discussion types before you take the test. You are not sure which one you will be asked to do on the actual test day.

Poetry / First person narrative prose, "Gasson at Midnight," [2]

Mualla, the essay is a simple narrative, but it doesn't contain a story that would make it an interesting narrative. As a narrative prose, you need to show an actual story within the poem. How many stanzas as you required to write? Maybe you can revise the prose to better reflect a story that has a beginning, middle, and end. Try to show a sense of growth within your prose. The growth needs to stem from the lessons learned or experiences that the narrator has with his sisters. It would be better if the prose manages to show a character growth for all 3 characters. The title of the prose needs to be integrated into the actual prose as either the place that drives the story forward or the place that becomes the catalyst for character growth. This narrative prose that you wrote is mostly about an interesting visit to a place but nothing really happens to the characters beyond that. If you have the time to revise the essay please do so. If possible, you can incorporate my suggestions into the revised version.

Writing Feedback / Economic progress importance - Cambridge IELTS 11. Task2. [3]

The overall score for your essay will be within the range of 5. The reason that I scored your essay this way is simple. You were asked to discuss both sides of the issue and then present your own opinion. While you declared in your opening statement that both sides of the issue will be discussed before you delivered a discussion of your personal opinion, that is not the way the essay was presented. I read the essay a few times in order to confirm my suspicion that the essay was more of a totally personal opinion of both sides of the issue instead of a discussion of both sides and then a presentation of your personal opinion in an expanded paragraph. That is why I scored the essay on the lower score range. You need to also make sure that when you are asked for an opinion, you present an opinion and not a belief. There is a difference between the two. A belief is "trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something." or "an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.". An opinion, on the other hand, is "a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge." Based on the two definitions, you can see how your discussion is not aligned with the prompt requirements and had to be scored accordingly.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 1] Three bar graphs - British album buyers [2]

Giang, there is no right or wrong way of splitting the data. You are not being judged on presentation of information. You are judged on analysis and relevance of shared information. If you feel that the method you used was the best way for you to represent all of the information, then that is your prerogative. This is a report, so all of the data required for presentation in a report must be present.

In your essay, the missing element is the measurement type and the criteria by which the measurements were done. These would be indicative of the age and gender survey information that was collated for the graph. In your opening statement, the last sentence should have revealed the type of discussion format that the instructions provided because you are writing your summary overview. Therefore, the outline of the discussion, including the discussion type must have been presented in the report. Otherwise, the thesis statement for your report becomes incomplete.

You did a pretty good job on this report as far as I can tell. It is impressive and informative to a large extent. The parts that I mentioned as missing from your report were negligible and should have resulted in a lower than expected score, but not in a way that would affect the decision as to whether you would pass or fail this test.

Writing Feedback / Obesity and fitness: cause and solution - Ielts task 2 [3]

Sarah, in order to avoid possibly insulting anybody when you share information in your essay, do not mention any specific locations. Keep your information based on popular information so that the essay can be read in terms of general applicability. When you mention a specific city, for instance, you limit the scope of the essay and the mind of the reader to just that city. The reader will not see a wider application for your reasons which will result in a less effective line of reasoning on your part. In your second paragraph, your first sentence has a distorted meaning. I am not sure what it is you are trying to say. Rather than saying "... is the first step to solve, you should have instead said "is the first step to solving the health problem." Since you are discussing obesity here, you must refer to that term a few more times in the essay in order to remind the reader that you are discussing obesity in particular because most the opinions and advice that you give could actually apply to any illness. Being specific is the key to keeping the reader on track with what they are reading. Try to expand your concluding statement to 3 sentences. That is the expected summary format for an IELTS Task 2 essay.

Your paragraphs go beyond the maximum 3 sentence requirement and often creates run on sentences. Try to keep your line of reasoning short by simply choosing to discuss one topic per paragraph. That is the expected discussion format and should be followed at all times. It creates a better sense of cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Avoid run-on sentences or using semi colons and commas in order to extend a single sentence. When you do that, you create an unnecessarily long and usually boring sentence that does not become helpful in your information presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Business obligations that companies have toward community [3]

@chuhaiyen I believe that you did not upload the complete and proper prompt instructions for this essay. It is either you did not supply me with the correct instructions or, you have written an essay that lacks focus, contains numerous long sentences that eventually stop making sense, and shows a lack of English grammar ability on a scale that will assure you of a failing instead of passing score.

Your second paragraph is quite confusing to read. I cannot make heads or tails of what you are trying to explain in that paragraph because your sentences lack topic sentences and the whole paragraph has no degree of coherence within it. It provides the reader with undue stress as it is impossible to understand what you are trying to say.

The overall essay does not respond adequately to the prompt as you provided it. That is why I am wondering if you took shortcuts with your posting and did not post the complete prompt in an effort to not create an original title for your essay. If that is what you did, let me tell you now, you wasted an opportunity to gain a proper assessment of your essay. It cannot be properly reviewed due to the lack of original instructions. Do not post the complete prompt anymore. As a contributor, I can only advise you once. Just make sure to post the complete prompt, along with the discussion instructions with your next essay.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Utilized the networking skills to make a Positive impact [2]

Dicky, the outline that you created for your leadership and networking skills are truly admirable. The feats you accomplished are worthy of sharing and noting by the reviewer. The only drawback of this type of presentation is that you merely narrated the events and gave an overview of your participation in the events. The networking skills were barely highlighted because you did not really impress upon the reviewer how you created the network and how these networks are still useful to you as of today. the Chevening scholars are practically required to have a current existing pool of contacts in their network in order to help the scholarship program develop, maintain, and utilize your network for the benefit of the previous scholarship grantees, current scholars, and future scholars. You will in effect be a mentor to the incoming scholarship winners when your time as a scholar is over. Therefore, you need to explain how you plan to utilize this network as a scholar, and as a graduate towards the end of your essay. In the overall context of the essay, you also need to highlight how the networks continue to serve for your benefit and it you have already been using this existing network for the benefit of others. If you can effectively represent the network development, its usefulness to you up to this present time, and how you plan to use it during your time as a scholar and long after, the essay will be more focused towards supplying an impressive networking response.

Writing Feedback / [ILETS TASK 2] Some people believe that tourism does more harm than good. Agree or disagree? [4]

My, this is not a "degree of agreement or disagreement essay". Therefore, the minute that you said "I do not entirely agree", you totally altered the discussion of the original prompt and as such, immediately failed the the test. Why did you fail ? The decision on your part to discuss a comparison essay instead of a single opinion essay with supporting justifications as required by the original instructions means that you did not understand the instructions for the discussion. While you did understand what the topic for discussion is, the method of discussion is what the examiner will be looking at. Your ability to survive in an English classroom in terms of following the professor's instructions rests on your ability to understand English based instructions which, in this essay, you clearly showed that you cannot do. Therefore, the examiner will look at this essay and fail you. You cannot be given a passing score because you failed to prove English comprehension skills on your part, which is the first criteria for consideration. Listen to me, allow me to guide you, follow my advice, and just like countless others here whom I have helped to develop their writing skills before taking any English test, you will be sure to pass with high marks.

Undergraduate / Why Tulane? This University is the one for me. Essay Assistance [4]

Hi Kelly, your essay is right on the mark as to why you wish to study in Tulane University. Usually, an out of state student first falls in love with a place, in your case, New Orleans, and then, upon finding a university in the area that suits his or her educational needs, finally decides to study at the university. Your essay shows a deeper connection with New Orleans, which, to the reviewer, will translate into your being a good fit for the university. If you are inspired by the place where the university is located, you will most likely have a wonderful and enlightening study experience as well. Your word count is just perfect for the 800 word essay. Don't try to add any more information if you have already said it all in less than the required word count. As long as you are above the minimum count, your essay will be fine. The progression of your interest in Tulane suits the required prompt requirements. It shows that you are a person who will grow and thrive within the social and academic setting of the university. Just focus in tightening the essay by creating a more smooth presentation. Transition sentences will help and also, a more chronological presentation of your discussion would create a more fluid reading for the reviewer who in turn, will better understand your reasons for choosing Tulane.

Scholarship / Using new ideas and strategies acquired from Chevening in Africa [4]

Ifeji, don't just list your leadership abilities in the essay. The reviewer does not care about how many relevant experiences you have. In terms of leadership and influencing skills, you must focus on your most recent undertaking as that is the one that will most impress the reviewer. What you have done in the past is impressive but not really developed. It is most important that you fully introduce a leadership activity that called upon your influencing skills. Pick your most problematic leadership activity that required you to bring the team together to focus on and achieve one objective. It is imperative that you make an impression as someone who has come to be admired specifically for your leadership and influencing activities. While the experience need not be professional in nature, as one can also exhibit the same skills in a community service setting, it still must highlight the required elements of the essay in order to prove that you have the ability to be a future leader and influential person in Nigeria upon your return.

Graduate / Personal Statement Of Film, Television and New Media [3]

Li, this is an extremely long personal statement. It manages to cover the history of your interest in Film, Television, and Media. However, I wonder if this length is the right approach to the essay. Were you given a prompt requirement to respond to? I wish you had added it along with your maximum word count so that I could better asses your statement. In my opinion, the most interesting part of the essay comes in with the 3rd paragraph. This is the most focused and directly informative presentation that would be of keen interest to the reviewer. Being a foreign student, the examiner needs to be able to assess if your activities and classes (that you took) in your home country are applicable to their course syllabus and fulfills their expectations of their students. Perhaps you would like to consider revising the essay so that it would reflect more of your in-country influence rather than your international influence. The in-country entertainment media is the entire basis of your desire to become a part of this world. The international influence should be given a spotlight towards the end of your essay because the media from the foreign land isn't really what sparked your interest. It was the activities and exposure to entertainment media that you had when you younger.

Writing Feedback / Population Growth (in billions) - India and China from 2000 until 2050 [4]

Samuel, you show a clear confusion in your approach to this essay. You tried to combine the two writing methods related to tasks 1 and 2 specifically in what should be only an analytical essay. This has resulted in an essay that should never be submitted for scoring because you will not get a passing score. There are a number of problems with the essay that you need to address in order to create a better version of this current work that you created.

The first problem, is that your opening statement is nor really a summary, neither is it a paraphrasing of the prompt requirements. You did a direct discussion of the given facts without properly introducing the discussion topics and its related information in an acceptable outline in sentence form.

The second problem, pertains to the method by which you present the information. When you look at the image, there are clear points for "estimation" that need to be presented in the essay. You did not do that. There is also no trending discussion in your essay, which is pretty much a standard part of the Task 1 analysis presentations.

The third and final problem with your essay is that only the first paragraph would pass for a completely developed paragraph. The rest are too short to be considered a complete discussion. Aim to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet the minimum requirements of the C&C criteria. Under no circumstance or reason should you present a single sentence in a Task 1 essay. The lack of paragraph development shows that you have difficulty analyzing the essay and this problem is more likely than not to affect your final score. The result of which will be an unsatisfactory score for this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Many workers change jobs frequently these days because of different expectations [5]

Chou, your presentation runs in the exact opposite of what the prompt is asking you to do. Your method of paraphrasing is incomplete and has resulted in incomplete information sharing with the reader. Here is the correct paraphrasing for this essay prompt for your reference:

There are two types of employees that exist these days. The first kind, is the one that would rather just stay at one company. The other kind, is the person who is isn't afraid to try new jobs every so often. In this essay, I will discuss both these points of view with regards to job preferences along with my personal opinion regarding the topic.

Remember, the purpose of the opening statement is to prove that you understand what the topic and instructions for discussion are. When you provide an incomplete paragraph, you do not allow the examiner to properly assess your English comprehension skills. The format above is pretty much standard for all of the essay topics in this task, with minor variations. So you can consider the above example a template for most of the essays you will be working on.

You also need to focus your paragraphs on specific reasons for discussion. You only presented partially applicable reasons for each point of view. There was a lack of proper discussion development because you decided to just mention reasons instead of further highlighting your English composition skills by offering expanded discussions for each reason.

Finally, a concluding statement cannot represent your personal opinion. The requirement for the personal opinion is that it be presented in a full paragraph prior to the concluding statement. This is an error that exists in a glaring manner in your essay. Overall, your attempt is acceptable but has tremendous room for improvement. Try to remember the tips I gave you here and apply then to your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1- the percentage of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity [4]

Kevin, since this is your first attempt at writing a Task 1 essay, I will give you some leeway and, instead of telling you the score that you will get, I will instead, offer you advice regarding how to better develop your essay writing skills for this task. For starters, you need to better develop your summary statement. While the summary can be located either at the beginning or the end of the essay, I find that it has more of a purpose when it is placed at the beginning of the essay. That way, you get to fully utilize the potential of the summary statement. The summary statement can help you outline your essay discussion when it is placed at the beginning because it can show the following information for the reader's reference:

1. The type of graph presented;
2. The topic sentence;
3. The type of survey or measurement taken;
4. The pertinent information in relation to the measurements;
5. The trend as seen in the graph.

Once you present a strong overview / summary statement, you will be able to manage a higher TA score. In this instance, your essay lacks a proper identification of the aforementioned information. An examiner will take a look at your opening statement and decide that you did not take the time to properly analyze the provided information. He could decide to give you a failing score right there and then.

You should also aim to present at least 3 full paragraphs for this essay. You currently only have one complete paragraph, which means you will not be able to meet the C&C paragraph requirements. Basically, this is a good attempt at writing your first essay. It is not, however, a very well developed / presented essay. Please look at the other essays at this forum related to Task 1 in order to get a better idea as to how you can improve your writing and presentation skills.

Writing Feedback / EastSouth Area Condition - TOEFL; cloud seeding can reduce the hail from forming [2]

Liu, when you post an article discussion essay, you need to give us a copy of the article either by uploading an image of the file or providing the link to the article online. Without it, a proper assessment of your statements, in relation to the factual information from the original source cannot be made. In this instance, I will hazard a guess regarding the problematic portions of your essay that needs to be addressed. There are some obvious points that can be referred to for your improvement even without the original article presented.

You made reference to a country in Asia from the article. What was that country? Remember, you cannot just mention the region of the world the country is located in because of the highly specific results that stemmed from the events that unfolded. There was also a mention of laboratory experiments at the start. In order to make that lab experiment acceptable to the reader, the reader needs to know how the experiment was conducted. Without it, the statement leaves a sense of doubt in the reader.

I cannot go further with my review of your work due to the incomplete information that you have provided. I hope that you will remember to upload the necessary documents for our review or, to include the link with your next essay so that you can be better assisted in developing your writing skills for this section of the test.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: Using Credit Cards or Loans to run up huge personal debts [3]

Yulia, this is one of the worst essays that you have written so far. The incoherence of your paragraphs in this essay are astounding. What happened to you? Did you not fully understand the prompt requirements? Do you lack any personal or popular information regarding the given topic? There has to be a reason as to why you would produce such a problematic essay presentation. As I repeatedly reviewed your essay, it seems to me that the problem is related to your grammar range and accuracy. Although you are ill prepared to begin writing complex sentences and paragraphs, you attempted to do just that in this essay. Doing so resulted in a difficult to understand presentation that caused undue stress on the reader. The paragraphs only make intermittent sense instead of total sense. You need to remain conscious of one standard piece of information when you are writing English essays. You cannot think in your native language and then try to translate the same into English. Coupled with a desire to increase your GRA score, you ended up with an essay that would not score higher than a 2. The main reason for that overall score is that you do not have any control over word formation, the message of the paragraphs remain unclear, and you have shown very little organizational control over the development of your presented paragraphs. If you write this way in the actual setting, you will definitely fail the test.

Research Papers / Shark Survival is Vital for Humanity - ENG102 Final [2]

Ashley, your essay is suffering from a severe case of TMI. The presentation of the varying degrees of information in the essay is overwhelming most of the time and the reader does not have the ability to pause and take a breath before you move on to presenting even more information. It just cascades off the page. That is a very bad thing. It shows that the paper is just slapping together information in paragraphs, does not have a focused topic, and has no outline that helped to develop the paper. Don't fret though, you can still fix the paper.

You have to set aside this paper and go back to step one. That is, you have to create the thesis statement for your paper and then outline your research topics and , in this case, sub-topics for presentation. Use the outline titles to separate the information that you will be presenting. This will offer the reader that badly needed time to read, assess, and decide whether or not your paper is worth a continued reading. Without the topic and sub-topic separators, the information is just one jumbled mess. Once you complete your outline, read your paper again and try to find out if you missed anything in the outline. Specifically, the mention of the year 1975 that was not fully developed in the essay. Make sure that you actually have a thesis statement that will represent the main focus of the research as well.

As for the grammar, your presentation tends to veer into English slang territory. Don't do that. Words such as "ginormous" have no place in an academic paper and shows that you are not really focused on developing a properly worded research paper. Make sure to use academic words at all times. If need be, use a thesaurus in order to use more appropriate terms in your paper.

Save for these observations, the paper actually has the potential to be highly informative and interesting to read. You just need to be clearer with the thesis statement and more focused in terms of your discussion paragraphs. The sub-divided topics should help tremendously in that aspect of your writing and editing of the paper.

Undergraduate / College essay on moving from one place to another back to back and my experience with it [5]

Rishan, the essay that you wrote is highly personal in nature and shows how you had to adjust your life a number of times in order to accommodate the needs of your family. It does need information updating in order to bring it more up to date to the current standards of the common app prompts. However, I would not use this essay for the common app prompt that you chose it for. This is an essay that is far better suited for one of two other prompt applications. Depending upon how you plan to further develop or revise this essay, you can use it for either of the following prompts instead:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

or

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Since you already previously wrote this essay, I strongly suggest using the latter prompt. You can create your own prompt question that the essay answers to. In the process, you will not have to revise too much of the original content. It simplifies your editing work in a way.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship Leadership - explain how I really have leadership skills [2]

Ahmed, the Chevening scholarship committee members do not have the time to read your life story. You need to open the essay with a direct response to the prompt requirement. Immediately speak of the work that you did at Bapetco-Shell. Don't prolong the introduction of that. The work that you did regarding problem identification, resolution development, and solution implementation directly portray your leadership and influencing abilities. This is the part of the essay that you must develop the most. It is the highlight of the essay and, because of your maximum word count, needs to be successfully narrated in your essay. Everything before this section in the current essay version is not helping you to create an interesting and informative essay. Change the focus as I suggested above and you will automatically accomplish the task set before you by the instructions for the development of your essay. Start off by first, presenting the repetitive problem that you faced on the job and what solutions were formerly implemented unsuccessfully, then discuss how you developed your solution and presented it for approval. After gaining approval, relate how you influenced the group to work together to get the task done. The essay will be complete in response within 3-4 paragraphs if you revise it in the manner I indicated.