Writing Feedback / [writing task 2]The best way for children to read books. [4]

Phuc, your original prompt instruction is incomplete. What is the discussion instruction that you were provided with for this essay? Without that instruction, it will be next to impossible to assess your paper in terms of TA considerations. Bear in mind, the TA is the section of the scoring criteria that will set the stage for the passing or failing of your essay. So that is the foremost consideration I have when I consider how to advise you regarding your problem points and areas for improvement. Without knowing what the discussion points are for this essay, it would seem like you have a pretty good, but basic presentation of your discussion. It is one that can be considered as informative, to a certain extent. When it comes to the concluding paragraph though, once again, the same mistake has been made, a student has tried to pass off the personal opinion as the closing statement. For the umpteenth time, I will again say this, "No personal opinion can be used to close an academic essay." The academic essay needs to close on a recap of the results of the discussion. All the writing rules have indicated that a new discussion or a personal opinion cannot take place in a conclusion because the conclusion should never continue the discussion with new information. A concluding paragraph is so easy to develop. Just restate the prompt again, the discussion points made in summary form, and a repeat of your personal opinion. That is all that is required and isn't difficult to accomplish.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Internet usage across three countries [3]

Long, you are using English terms in the wrong context throughout the essay. In the first paragraph, you said, "... internet usage in three nations, including the U.S....". When there are no other nations mentioned in the graph aside from the 3 listed, the correct sentence would be "... internet usage in 2 nations namely; the U.S..." or "... internet usage in the US, Canada, and Mexico." By the way, you neglected to identify the kind of graph that you are being asked to analyze. That is an important part of the opening summary and should never be neglected in the presentation. There are only 2 sentences in your opening statement when there should be at least 3. The final sentence could have been a representation of what analysis is required of the chart. The coherence and cohesiveness portion of your essay score will be affected when the paragraphs do not meet the minimum requirements. Remember that. I think you did not examine the image for minute comparison points. There are 2 instances when the US and Canada had tied in figures or overlapped in number. These small but significant details are, when included in the final essay, able to increase certain aspects of your score. Always be conscious of that fact and look for the small details for presentation.

Writing Feedback / Don't may a mistake - stick to the one, proper job only. [IELTS Writing task 2] [4]

Quyen, you will probably get a band score of 6 with this essay. While there was a problem with your opening paragraph, which I will explain below, the overall essay stuck to the discussion, used common and easily understandable examples, and allowed for a logical discussion to progress within the essay. However, the lack of a properly developed personal opinion held the essay back. That is another discussion that I will focus on in this review.

With regards to the opening statement, the outline, or manner of paraphrase representation is suggested in the original prompt. In the original, the topic was first given, the first point of view, second point of view, then the instruction for the discussion which included your personal opinion. So the paragraph should have looked more like this:

There are some people who manage to stay in one job or career all their life. Then there are others who seem to keep switching career and jobs for some reason. This essay will discuss the reasons why people would stay at one job while others seem to prefer to work at various jobs in their career. Additionally, I will offer my personal opinion regarding this topic for the information of the readers.

The way that you wrote the paraphrasing is a bit confusing for the reader. Clarity in your writing will always result in a better TA and GRA score for you. Keep the discussion simple and do not try to create complex discussions if you are not able to do so yet.

In terms of your discussion, it isn't using complex sentences in a good way yet. However, the discussion body that you present is understandable enough and does not cause undue stress on the reader. Therefore, you did a good enough job in terms of your LR and GRA. The cohesiveness and coherence still needs a little work. That will improve as your paragraph presentation and use of sentences improve.

The personal paragraph you presented is not accurately developed because you presented it as a closing statement. A personal statement is never provided at the close of an essay because it carries new information for the reader. The concluding statement is only a summary of the discussion that you presented so that is what should be seen in it. Not the personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / Computer skills should also be the fourth largest branch. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Quyet, your opening statement falls short of a proper paraphrasing and opening statement. You neglected to inform the reader about the actual topic that is being discussed inclusively (the 3 other branches of learning) and how you are to discuss it. This opening statement should have read:

There are 3 traditional subject taught in schools namely, writing, reading, and maths. However, there has recently been an interest in adding computer skills as a fourth subject. The reasons why I agree with this statement will be discussed in the following paragraphs.

You have to relate the new prompt in your understanding, but without the exaggerations that you have taught to use in school. Words like thorny question, perplexing, army of people, while these sound good to you as a writer, the examiner will not view it in the same way because such implied scenarios are not found in the original prompt. Using those words make the essay sound sensationalist instead of academic. Remember, this is an academic essay that you are writing so the same tone must be maintained throughout.

Your examples are well worded but not really developed. There is a lack of examples that could have strengthened your point of view regarding Japan and their interest in computer skills. I sensed that you were more focused in trying to improve your lexical resource score more than anything else in this essay. Let me tell you right now, if your TA and GRA scores suffer, no amount of LR focus will help your final score.

Now, when you are asked to discuss your opinion, don't suddenly change the tone of the essay by making it a comparison essay. Just stick to discussing your opinion alone. Nothing else. That is because by discussing both sides, you are no longer following the instructions that were provided to you for discussion. That means your TA score will face a big deduction in points.

Writing Feedback / Many wildlife species worldwide are in danger of extinction. How can we protect endangered animals? [3]

@gongyoooppa Since this is a Task 2 essay, you need to present a clear thesis statement in your opening paragraph. That means, after you summarize the discussion, you need to explain what the task of the essay will be. In this instance, the task of the essay will be to discuss how to protect the animals. Without that reference, the essay does not have a thesis statement or a subject for the whole discussion.

The paragraphs that you wrote have good starter information. The problem, is that you do not fully develop the solution discussions. You have to learn how to integrate the problem statement into the solution paragraph. I would have written the second paragraph as follows:

One of the major environmental problems that affect wildlife is water pollution. The rise in water pollution results in the death and extinction of numerous sea creatures. In order to protect the sea creatures, water conservation and animal rights groups must work with the government towards developing sustainable solutions to the water pollution problem An example of a possible solution for this problem would be to have the aforementioned groups dredge the heavily polluted rivers in order to prepare the surrounding area for ecological purposes such as creating a water park where aquatic wildlife can exist in a protected environment.

Can you detect how I incorporated the problem into the paragraph while directly connecting it to the solution? That is always the best presentation for these essay types because it allows you to fully develop the paragraph while discussing 2 topics at once.

Your point of view should not be in the concluding paragraph. You have to write that opinion above the closing paragraph because your point of view needs to be developed in presentation and discussion in order to make the examiner understand and believe what you have to say about the topic. Which is why it is given its own paragraph for presentation.

Writing Feedback / The Ashdown Museum After and Before [5]

Raisa, in the opening summary, you should always indicate what the purpose of the illustrations are. For example, are these meant for comparison purposes or general discussion? What is the specific instruction that was given for the discussion? The outline for your essay is not clear at the moment. Your trending discussion could have been more complete if you had shown the trend prior to the renovation and then presented the number of visitors after the renovation. When it comes to making comparison discussions, you overlooked the fact that the 5% of no response visitors remained the same for both before and after the renovation. These comparison discussions are important as it shows that you thoroughly analyzed the given information and took note of the small but important details for reporting. The total essay that you wrote is good and reports on almost all the important points. You need to better allot your time for analyzing the images prior to drafting your report. That way you will have time to review and note any information you might have missed the first time you wrote the report.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Globalisation worldwide effect - similarities in different countries [2]

Perita, when you discuss your opening statement, after you present your opinion, do not add information to it that will make it seem like you are already discussing the facts of the essay. The opening statement must only serve as a reference point for your ability to restate an English discussion and outline a discussion process. This is used to consider whether or not you have the English analytical ability for university studies. The actual discussion should only be presented in the body paragraphs.

In the second paragraph, you have an incomplete sentence at the point where you said


Are you a business owner? Why do you address yourself in the incomplete sentence? The sentence is not clear in meaning. You need to clarify what you mean by offering a reason to support it.

When you present the percentage discussion, please present it in the global format which is: number then percentage symbol. It throws the reader off when you present it in reverse.

In your closing remarks, you must never add new information, such as the final sentence that indicates how the negative sides need to be noted and action must be taken upon it. That is presenting a new venue for discussion, which is is not allowed in a closing paragraph as the paragraph is meant to simply end the discussion. The way to end it is by summarizing the earlier discussion and then repeating your opinion at the end. There is no need for additional information at that point. Otherwise, you will need a new paragraph to discuss that information. In which case, you will go over the maximum 5 paragraph requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Environment and Economy in the success [5]

Duc, I will not give you a score for this essay because you did not accurately follow the prompt instructions. You have to remember, the IELTS test is designed to test your ability to ready, understand, and follow a given set of instructions for the discussion of a particular topic. In this essay, the main requirement for the discussion was to discuss both sides and give your opinion within the body of paragraphs. You neglected to present your personal opinion after a discussion of the two sides. Therefore, the essay did not follow the prompt requirements and will receive a low score. I would not say it would fail in totality, but , with the TA score being considered, there is no way that the essay will pass that first criteria. As such, the rest of the scores to be given will also be low.

In terms of content, your paragraphs are held back from properly developing the discussions and complex sentences because you are trying to discuss too many reasons all at once. What you have to do is just pick one reason, the strongest one that you can defend, then fully develop that paragraph. Pay particular attention to your tense usage. For example there is an error in :


The correct statement would be:

... industries are still considerably reliant on...

Reliant is the present tense form of the word relied. You need to brush up on your skills in that section of English usage.

Then, there is the problem of your misuse of certain English terms that will lower your LR score:


The proper presentation is:

... how to sustain the economic ...

Of course, there is still the lack of personal opinion in the essay that needs to be addressed. Without it, the essay is incomplete and does not follow the prompt requirements. This makes it obvious that you have not discussed the essay in the required format. Therefore, the essay may not get a passing score in the end. If you honestly want a score, I think it will most likely be a 4.

Writing Feedback / Travel with a Companion or Travel Alone? [2]

Amra, I would say that this is a high school level English writing. There are still a number of problems with your sentence development that shows difficulty on your part when it comes to using tenses and connecting words. Problems such as "early" when you meant to say "earlier" provides the evidence for your tense usage. The connecting word usage problem can be seen, for example in the sentence "... he can watch series..." when what you needed to say was "... he can watch A TV series...". This provides a connecting word (a) and a subject word (TV series) in the sentence.

Since this test will be based on the IELTS Task 2 test, you should make sure to create a strong opening statement that properly paraphrases the prompt and provides a discussion outline, which is the manner in which the complex sentence structures immediately come to the attention of the examiner. Therefore, it would be better to say:

There are instances when people prefer to travel with companions. Sometimes, people prefer to travel alone. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons why I believe that traveling with a companion is a better option.

As you can see, I properly restated the prompt and provided an essay outline for the discussion. Since the essay asks you to pick only one method of travel, either with or without a companion, the fact that you decided to discuss the benefits of traveling first, with a companion, then second, without a companion, means that you did not understand the instructions you were provided. The resulting essay that you wrote did not follow the instructions you were provided so that means this essay will fail the test.

While your English writing skills are intermediate, your English comprehension skills are not. You did not accurately understand the original instructions, which is why you made a mistake in your discussion process. This is proof that your level of English understanding skills are not yet of university level.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2 Topic: computer skills after writing, reading and maths [2]

@Nhu Tran When you write your paraphrased statement, it would be best if you do so with a clear tone and a message that better depicts the original prompt. Take for instance, the way that you indicated that the discussion about the 4th subject is "... a question of controversy...". There is nothing in the original prompt that indicates that there is any controversy involving the topic. Rather, it indicates that it is a question that is being "discussed" in some academic circles. Therefore, the sentence should have been represented as, "... a much discussed topic" or "the addition of computers as a fourth subject is being considered." If no debate, controversy, or argument is being indicated in the prompt, then a level tone of sane discussion must be used instead.

With regards to the method by which you indicated your agreement with the topic, it is always best to have you state your opinion as a separate sentence because it is required as a part of the thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph. As such, your discussion of particular information in the opening statement was misplaced. It is never acceptable to begin the discussion of the topic in the opening statement as establishing facts have yet to be provided to the reader which would create a sense of accuracy once the personal opinion is presented.

Your second paragraph needs to be better developed. In all paragraphs, it is best that you deliver only one or two connected ideas for discussion development. That way the topic and the reasons are better threshed out and as such, allow you to aim for a higher TA, LR, and GRA score. Meet the 5 sentence requirement per paragraph by using only one topic and one supporting reason and your score will surely be better.

The summation in the closing paragraph could have been better represented. You discussed 3 continuous ideas in one sentence, leading to only one simple sentence consideration. Writing 3 subjective sentences would have created an opportunity to for more complex sentence presentations and higher GRA considerations when compared to a single, interconnected thought sentence. The interconnected thoughts are only done so through the use of a comma when a full stop with a period and then starting a new sentence would have had a better impact on the reader.

Writing Feedback / Essay about Travel to foreign countries when you are young or when you are older [3]

Tong, somehow I feel like this is the draft response that you wrote for the prompt. Your responses are correct, the problem, is that the paragraphs are not arranged properly so that is make more sense when the reader begins to assess your written work. Your response is right on the mark. All you have to do is take the time to review your response prior to submission. There are times when you need to just rearrange the paragraphs in order for it to become stronger in presentation. For example, in this essay, you placed the strong establishing paragraph at the end instead of near the top. Look at the essay if it is rearranged in the following manner:

There is a prevailing belief that it is better to travel abroad ...

Traveling abroad is a precious passage ...

Interesting as it is, traveling abroad will ...

I advocate traveling abroad when we are young ...

Then write the summary concluding paragraph as required by the essay format. You don't really require all the segue phrases at the start of your paragraphs. You are writing a time limited essay so you need to go directly to the point as soon as you can. I realize that you were using those as subject sentences but it doesn't work that way in an academic essay of this sort. Sometimes, using those sentences create a diversion in your response, which ends up weakening your statement, which can have an adverse effect on your final score.

I don't want to score this essay because you need to be given a chance to fix the presentation. Don't worry though, I saw the fact that you have the ability to write a well developed response essay and that talent will help you pass the test. Provided you get to format the paragraphs in a more proper and responsive manner.

Scholarship / Communication is the key. The networking part in Chevening Scholarship. [3]

Hesham, this is one of the worst drafts I have ever read for the Chevening Networking application essay. You have managed to get yourself confused and mixed the leadership and influencing essay with the Networking essay. Which means, the essay you wrote is not effective in any manner. You cannot use it for either essay. You can only delete this file and start over. Listen, if you really want to learn how to write a proper networking essay, look at the examples from the previous years that are still posted in this forum. Learn from those before you in terms of presentation development and content relevance. Your work as a safety engineer might be useful in the networking context. You just have to figure out what kind of network you had to create and why you had to create that network. Explain how you maintained the network up to present time. From there, you will need to explain how you plan to use this network in order to further support the Chevening projects and, how you will expand this network in the future, as an alumna, to help support the incoming scholarship winners after you. These are the instructions that you need to follow in order to create a more proper draft essay. Once you complete the essay, which should be totally different from this essay that you wrote, you can post it as a new essay for review.

Graduate / Commitment to working in a diverse population as a Nurse [2]

Your essay is not a personal response essay. You created a research based opinion paper instead. What the prompt is asking for is an explanation regarding how you see yourself as a diverse person. Now, using your own experiences regarding the existence of and lack of adversity in medical situation, develop a response for the prompt. You know what the problems were when you were treated in a medical setting. Talk about those problems and how, as a future nurse, you plan to change the approach to such situations. Such a response will show how you plan to work and handle diverse medical settings. The interest in working in such a diverse crowd should stem from your personal experience in the medical field. Therefore, I would have one paragraph that talks about an ill experience you had in terms of your medical treatment as a person of color, and then an opinion about it could have been better handled, then finally, a paragraph that discusses how you plan to change the way people of color or different cultures are treated, at least when you are handling their case. The essay is looking for your unique mindset in terms of the diversity question. If you can prove that you have a unique, but implementable mindset, your essay just may become memorable in the eyes of the reviewer.

Undergraduate / UNC Chapel Hill Prompt 1 - What is one thing that we don't know about you that you want for us to kn [5]

Sumedh, your introduction to your being an introvert is good. You have shown the good and the bad when it comes to a person who has this kind of character. The information that you provide tells the reviewer about how this trait has affected your life in the past. Now, you need to also discuss how you feel this trait of yours will affect your future as a college student. Do you hope to overcome this and become at least, a socially balanced person in college? You don't need to become an extrovert, but telling the reviewer that you plan to at least try and be sociable while in college will show him that you acknowledge your consider being an introvert as a small problem that you will have to deal with as a college student and that you hope to gain the help of the university and your classmates / roommates / university staff in overcoming this crippling character trait of yours. Always balance your past look with a present and future outlook. That way you always come across as hopeful and looking forward to joining the university.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Studying History - what's the aim of it? [2]

Valery, your essay became a personal opinion paper because you did not accurately represent the paraphrased statement as requiring both points of view and your opinion. Once the body paragraph is read, you immediately start with the pronoun "I" which is indicative of a personal opinion. Therefore, you changed the slant of the discussion from 2 points of view and your opinion to solely your opinion, creating a personal opinion essay alone. That will indicate a misunderstanding of the prompt requirements and result in a failing score for your essay. The correct format for this essay is as follows:

1. Paraphrased statement with discussion instructions at the end.
2. First point of view discussion;
3. Comparison discussion of the second point of view with the first point of view;
4. Personal opinion discussion;
5. Concluding paragraph.

While you did discuss the varying points of view, the fact that you used the first person pronoun changed the point of view from public to personal. The essay prompt requires a discussion of each public point of view before your personal point of view. The thorough personal opinion is also mistakenly placed in the concluding statement. That is the improper way of writing your personal opinion. You need to write that as a paragraph that is complete and not used to simply close the essay. That is an unacceptable concluding statement because you are continuing the discussion of the topic rather than ending it in a manner that sums up the discussion for the reader and allows the reader to form his own opinion based upon the summarized information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: Australian school leavers' activities [3]

Sarah, your overview is incomplete. You need to mention the three activities that the students did in particular and what the trend was over the 3 decades that was noted in the pie chart. You also need to complete the outline / summary discussion by mentioning what the instructions for the comparison and reporting section of the prompt are. It would have been better if you did not separate the trending information so that you could have maintained the complete paragraph requirement of at least 3 sentences in the opening paragraph. This is a required outline portion that is meant to show the examiner that you can easily understand an English discussion topic and that you have the ability to follow English instructions.

Now, in regards to the number of unemployed students, it is alright for you to say that it is insignificant, but, as per the pie chart, there were actual percentages involved and these should have been mentioned because the information is vital to the analysis process. There is no need to enclose your report in quotation marks. Why did you do that? The essay does not include any dialogue as in a creative writing or narrative essay with character exchanges. Don't make that a habit. It will adversely affect your GRA score in terms of proper sentence development.

Scholarship / Essay about how to use my networking skills to lead and influence others- Chevening Scholarship [2]

Danstad, you are confusing the Chevening scholarship essays. There is one scholarship for leadership and influence and another for networking. They are not to be combined into one essay covering all 3 topics. Your networking essay should follow the parameters of the Chevening prompt. That is to explain to the reviewer how you develop your network, how you maintain that network, and how you plan to use that networking skill as a Chevening scholar first as a student and then, as an alumna of the network. As usual, this is a problem focused essay that depicts an instance when, as the leader of a group, you had to create a network or use an existing network of professional contacts in an effort to get the task done. Focus on a project that taught you how to develop and use your networking skills instead. That means that you have to write a totally new and different essay. You should not use this essay at all.

Do not name drop people and organizations as you did in this essay. Name dropping people means that you are mentioning them as notable names whom you have worked with that should impress the Chevenening committee. Unless these people have written you a letter of recommendation, and you have their permission to use their names in your application, you should not mention their names. Only the names of organizations and people whom you have worked with and have permission to mention in your essay should have their names in the essay.

I have already explained the problem with your essay to you. Do not post the same essay again for approval in this thread. You will get suspended with finality if you do that. Just write a new essay and hope that you did it right this time. Do not show it to me or post it on this forum for advice unless you are willing to make that thread "URGENT". If you cannot make the thread urgent, then do not post it. You will risk a final, irrevocable suspension when you do that.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Online shopping: discuss both sides and give your opinion. [3]

In response to your questions Giang:

1. No. As I previously informed you, no opinion should be discussed in the opening paragraph. That is only to serve as the outline for the succeeding paragraphs. Your opinion is a separate and stand alone paragraph that should be located anywhere in the 3 body paragraphs.

2. Do not include the vendors in the discussion. Only the consumers / shoppers are referred to in the essay. Stick only to the given "characters" for discussion. Adding the vendors would be an alteration to the provided prompt discussion.

Now, you have a problem with using the correct reference terms in this essay. "E-commerce" is the overall line of business that vendors are engaged in. You are talking about "e-shoppers", who are the clients and consumers of the "e-commerce" sites. Don't confuse the two as they refer to 2 different people in the given discussion.

The discussion of the vendors is misplaced and not required in the second paragraph. As such, you will have lost points because you did not completely discuss the topic that you presented about the convenience that e-shopping provides. Your first reason is good, the second reason is under developed, and I do not see any reference to your personal opinion at all in the body paragraphs. That should have been the 3rd discussion, creating a 5 paragraph essay for submission and scoring. Oops... missing out on the personal discussion means some major points deduction for your essay as it comes across as an incomplete essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / The best method to decrease the number of traffic jams. [3]

Phuc, there are a number of serious problems with your essay that has affected the possible final score that it can receive. While I will not give you a score in order to not break your spirit, I would like to call your attention to the problem areas of your essay. I will offer you examples of the problems and possible solutions as to how you can fix the problem. Let's start with your opening statement.

The opening statement is the method by which you are judged regarding your English comprehension skills. If you are unable to properly represent the given discussion and instructions, you will end up with a low level TA score. In your presentation, you did represent most of the discussion, but we need a complete representation. When you paraphrase, you need to make sure that all aspects of the original are reflect in your version. Therefore, your presentation should have looked like the one below:

With the traffic problem continuously growing everyday, there have been some ideas that if the public transport system can be improved, the traffic problem might be alleviated. This has led to a discussion regarding the best way to improve the existing public transit system. I totally agree that the public transport system needs to be improved in order to help lessen the traffic problem for a number of reasons.

Did you notice the mix of simple and complex sentences in my presentation? Note the varied vocabulary? I even used synonyms in the presentation. The design of the paragraph is meant to expand upon the presentation of my English comprehension, vocabulary, and analytical skills. Create the perfect opening statement and you will get a very high score in the TA section. Get a high score in the TA section and the rest of the criteria will also be scored on a better level.

One of the biggest problems of your essay is that is focuses on the traffic problem in your city, which may not be familiar to the examiner. You reference motorcycles that carry up to 12 people while they carry only 2 people in most parts of the world. Try to use more popular and easily identifiable references in your essay. Don't use country specific recommendations or examples as that may have a tendency to confuse the examiner who will then consider lowering your score.

Make sure that you use English words that everyone can understand. For example, I have no idea what you mean by a reference to "... expanding blank of the street." What did you mean by blank? Does that mean something in the Vietnamese language? Remember, you should not be transliterating the words because what sounds right in your language may not translate properly to the English language.

I won't even mention the problems with your concluding paragraph at this point because you already have enough improvements to make that are more important to your passing the test. If I see improvements with your next practice test, I will then focus on helping you to improve your concluding statement presentation.

Undergraduate / "Capture" - The Common App Essay (Topic of Choice) [4]

Minh, don't waste your topic of choice essay on such a trivial story that does not help the reviewer to get to know who you are as a person or as a student. Consider that this is your one opportunity to write about something related to your personality or character that the reviewer may not know about through the other common app prompts. What is it that you want him to get to know about you at this point? What academic accomplishment, personal achievement, or ambition do you have for yourself that you think will interest him to know and in the process, help to increase the spotlight on your application essays? While the solar eclipse is an event that should be noted, the open topic essay should not focus on that, or any other pop culture references. Use the open topic to generate more interest in you as a person or as a student. That is the whole point of the open topic essay. I strongly advice that you write a new open topic essay. This time, one that is focused on you and something that you feel the reviewer should know about you. Surely there is something you can refer to like, what subject you think is not your strongest point, what subject you think is your strongest point in relation to your chosen major, what you think life will be like in college for you, or who you hope to become within 5 years after you graduate. Those are some topics that I believe will make for excellent topics in the open essay section.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC - CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS OF THE RISING UNEMPLOYMENT RATE [3]

Mandy, are you writing an essay for an IELTS practice test or is this just meant to help you brush up on your English grammar and composition skills? There are a number of punctuation errors that can be found in your essay. For starters, you are using both a comma and ellipses in a single sentence. You cannot have both of those punctuation marks in a single sentence because these signify different sentence punctuation commands. A comma means that a connected sentence is going to be introduced while the ellipses are used to signify the omission of a word, line, or paragraph from a quoted statement or when space is made to avoid irrelevant context. That was not your intention in the essay since you started a new sentence after the mistaken punctuation marks.

An essayist cannot say "As if to exemplify" because to say "as if" means you are asking a person to pretend and the word "exemplify" translates to "giving an example". One cannot say 'As if giving an example", which is what your phrase means. The proper wording would have been "Take for example" or "Consider as example", or other similar meaning phrases. If you are not sure about how to say something. I strongly suggest that you look up the proper presentation for the phrase first. Making such a mistake shows a lack of English language familiarity and word control. It reflects badly on your academic writing.

Now, since you did not signify if this is a practice essay test, I will not delve into the possible problems that the essay contains in relation to any given English exam that you might be preparing for. If you are preparing for an exam, please make sure to notify me as to what kind of exam that is so that I can rate and consider the work that you are submitting accordingly.

Writing Feedback / The share of Oscar winners by genre film for 2003 and 2008 [2]

Kien, your essay is missing the most important part, the summary overview. While there is no specific spot for you to place this overview statement, it is important that you place it in an obvious part of the paragraph setting. My advice is to place it at the start of the essay. The overview must contain specific elements which will help you meet the task accuracy requirement. The paragraph must contain:

1. The topic for discussion
2. The illustration provided
3. The measurement criteria inclusive of the audience being recorded
4. The discussion instructions

These comprise the required outline discussion that will help the reviewer keep his place while reading your essay. What I outlined will need to be presented in sentence format within 3-5 sentences. The final sentence, should be a transition into the actual discussion. Only after this presentation should the paragraph that had specific information be presented.

Create longer presentations in your essay. It has to be at least 3 sentences per paragraph. When your paragraphs amount to only single sentences, it signifies that you did not bother to truly analyze the image presented and you are just "winging it" in terms of presenting the obvious information. The task 1 essay is more analytical in presentation. So you need to make sure that you provide accurate information to the reader, who will have no idea what the image actually contains. So you need to be accurate at all times.

I am wondering where you got the specific numerical figures for the essay because there is no indication of numerical data in the pie chart. You only have letter representations which you should have used in your essay. If the information is not in the graph, chart, or whatever, it should not be in your presentation because that makes your summary inaccurate in presentation. That is, unless you did not provide the complete information for review with your essay? Which will explain why you have specific numbers to refer to but I cannot see it in the file so I cannot assess the accuracy of your factual data.

Writing Feedback / A comparison and projection of five-decade populations between Yemen and Italy [3]

Philo, it is difficult for me to review the work that you did in this essay because you forgot to upload the image that contains the instruction prompt and comparison data. Trying to decipher if you accurately delivered on the requirements of the prompt is impossible without the required upload. The best that I can do for you now is just a general review of your work.

First problem, the opening summary. It is supposed to be an overview that indicates the topic for discussion, type of image, measurement type, data provided, and discussion parameters. You launched into an immediate discussion of the image instead. Now, while the summary can be placed either at the beginning or the end of the essay, I do not see that anywhere in your presentation. Without that, your TA score will be reduced due to missing a task description in your essay.

There are a few problems with your grammar accuracy. Always double check for spelling and proper grammar. All first words of a new sentence should be capitalized. Additionally, close the essay with 3 sentences for an increased opportunity in the GRA scoring range.

Please do not bother to provide the image anymore. I will not be able to offer you a second review. Just remember to upload the image along with your next essay review request.

Undergraduate / "Loading... Loading... Loading..." Common App Personal Essay Prompt 4 [3]

Wayne, the essay is good. It just needs to be cleaned up in terms of formatting. It is too tight on the screen and is very difficult to read. Do the reviewer a favor and divide the essay into paragraphs. When you create the topic paragraphs, make sure that you further enhance your essay by developing the transition sentences from the end of one paragraph leading into the start of the next paragraph.

The whole essay works because the narrative focuses solely on your desire to fix a problematic situation. However, there is very little reference as to why you could not be patient enough to wait for the slow load to complete. If you would like to, you can increase the background of the story to include a sense of need instead of just a sense of impatience. Need, coupled with impatience creates a solid reason for you to go through the process that you did. A paragraph explaining why you were on the computer in the first place will also create a catalyst for your story, which is missing right now.

I have only these comments for your essay. I hope that your next version will be more in a usable and aligned format for your final use. Good luck with your application. If this essay is any indication, you are going to be a gem of a student.

Scholarship / Bank's telemarketer - leadership & Influence Letter for Chevening Scholarship [2]

Glaucia, I do not care if you worked as supervisor for only a year, the job description that you provided for that position is exactly what this scholarship program is looking for. Revise the essay to discuss one specific project that you handled as a supervisor that you felt was the most problematic. Since it had the most problems, it also drove you to inspire your people to work together in order to complete the project. That is what the reviewer is looking for. That is also the kind of work experience that will make your application more competitive when compared side by side with the other applicants.

The first part of the essay that you created is more of a rank and file experience that did not really require you to handle subordinates, make official decisions, or inspire people to work with your and with the team. That is why this current version of the essay is not usable for this type of application. Revise the essay using my suggestions above. Make sure that you highlight your leadership and influencing traits as best as you can. That is the main purpose of this essay and that is what will interest the reviewer the most.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Which do you prefer, traveling with a companion or alone? [2]

Liu, when you write your essays, make sure that you always speak in completed paragraphs. That means, each thought process that you set to the screen needs to have at least 3 sentences in it. It creates an impression upon the reader and allows you to better show off your English composition skills. You really did write a highly impressive essay here. I would like to practice a few changes though. The changes are nothing major. These are just meant to help streamline the presentation of your essay.

For starters, in the opening statement, after you state the thesis statement or subject sentence at the end of the paragraph, don't discuss any additional information. Save the longer explanation for the next paragraph. That will create an excellent introduction to the topic then move into a smooth transition to the actual discussion.

Next, try to make sure that you create connecting paragraphs that always have a transition sentence at the end of each paragraph. The second paragraph that I told you was too short because it only has 2 sentences, it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the essay because it was not fully developed. If it were me who had written this essay, I would have deleted that part during the editing procedure. The whole essay is actually more interesting and engaging without those sentences in it.

The paragraph is alright, but can be better. Try to sum up your discussion by recapping your discussion instead. It is always best to try and summarize the information to help remind the examiner about everything you have written. That makes it easier for him to decide if you stayed on track with the discussion or not. Remember, full paragraphs will help you gain a better score than a single summarized sentence. The idea is to show off your English skills so make sure you do that every step of the way.

Undergraduate / A Not Very Outstanding Story - The Common App - Topic 5 [3]

This is not the essay that responds to the prompt requirement in an accurate manner. There is too much focus on the activity and not enough representation of your leadership development and the awakening that comes with the realization that you are a capable leader. This is a self analysis essay. That means, you need to present a discussion that shows an understanding of who you are as a person, based upon the demands of a given situation. There needs to be a clear sense of epiphany in the essay. This is more of a creative story narrative that focuses more on the activity instead of the personal aspects of the events that led to your realization. There is too much reference to Mai and the group rather than yourself. Think of some other story if you cannot make this work for you.

Try to focus on an event that really had you claiming a victory over yourself. What I mean to say is, focus on an achievement that is your own, not your group's. That is why this essay is running too long. You have too many side stories running. Too much reference to Mai, the group, the events during various camping trips, these are all word fillers that remove the focus from your self-realization. Focus on a single event instead. One that will truly have you believing that it was during that pivotal moment that you came to understand more about yourself and that you lost all sense of doubt as to your leadership skills. Don't delve too much on the talk with Mai and various camping stories. Just get to the point by choosing one event. It is a word limited essay, you know how to meet the word requirement. Just focus the story and the word count will reduce itself.

Don't post the reduced word count essay here. It will be deleted because we do not allow multiple postings of the same essay in a single thread. Even if you post it as a new thread, it will still be deleted as a multiple post. Just work on the revision as I instructed. It will work for you. If you still have doubts, then please make this thread urgent so that you can get more guidance from me. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Rising pressure on students, positive or negative? [2]

Nguyen, the strength of your essay lies in the method by which you discuss the body of paragraphs. The reasons you gave are sound and relevant to the topic provided. It is analytical and offers the reader an insight into the life of a student who has experienced the reasons that has been presented as supporting evidence for your stance on the topic. While your body of paragraph has done an excellent job of defining the parameters of your belief, your opening statement and closing paragraph have created weak points in your essay.

The opening statement that you created does not follow the required parameters for the discussion. You mistakenly changed the prompt requirement from discussing the topic as a negative occurrence, you instead discussed the problems that stem from the tension the students undergo. This simple change in statement created a totally different essay discussion from the original which asked you to discuss the pressure on students as a negative or positive experience. The one thing that you have to remember about the opening statement is that, as a paraphrasing of the original instructions, you need to be very careful about your word choices. You should not choose to use words that will alter the original instruction in your restatement. That is because any prompt deviation will result in a failed TA score and as such, could affect the possibility of your passing or failing the essay test. In this case, although you did deviate from the prompt in the opening statement, your body of paragraphs still remained on track, explaining the topic as a negative. So your score will get some passing considerations. However, it will not score as highly in the overall sense because of the problematic TA presentation.

Here is a sample of a more appropriate opening statement:

School and university students have experienced a rise in the pressure for them to succeed in their studies. There is a tendency for the educational system to push them to achieve more in terms of their academic development from the beginning of their educational career. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons why the pressure on the students has resulted in a negative development.

The concluding statement posed another problem for you because you did not use it to close the discussion you were provided. Instead of concluding the essay, you continued to quickly discuss a few more related topics. The concluding statement can never be used to continue the discussion because it does not allow for more comprehensive discussion development. As such, you would have been scored down in those aspects as well.

Now that you know where you made your mistakes, you can make an effort to not repeat the same in your next practice test. You have a good analytical approach to your discussion. Just make sure that you do not deviate from the prompt and that you close your essay instead of continuing the discussion so that you will be assured of a higher score in the next practice essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 (IELTS). Process of coffee manufacturing [6]

Giang, each paragraph must be composed of 3-5 sentences in order to meet the requirements of the C&C section of the essay. Your second paragraph falls short of the required number of sentences. When you write an analytical essay. Do not go for the shortcut of using commas in order to explain the procedure. Use periods instead and present the process as complete sentences within a paragraph. This will allow you a better opportunity to show off your English vocabulary and your ability to express yourself better in complete thought processes.

As for the first paragraph, you need to better develop the cohesiveness of those sentences as well. Do not write the overview in an independent sentence presentation format. Make sure that you show off your ability to develop a proper, analytical, discussion outline, in relation to the diagram provided. Make sure to summarize the steps that are involved in the essay in the opening statement as well. Just mention the number of steps involved, not the actual procedure yet. All the opening summary has to do for you is provide the short version of the body of paragraphs. The detailed explanation should follow the format of the procedure outline you created in the opening statement.

Finally, please refrain from making references to procedures that do not exist in the diagram you were provided. That means that because the last image you were given relates to the jarring process of the coffee, you need not say that it was done for sale in the market. There is nothing in the diagram that implied such a thing. Therefore, you will be making false assumptions and you will confuse the examiner who may end up wondering where in the diagram did the market selling come into the picture. You will lose points for making up information in the essay. An analytical essay of this sort is very precise. It does not have room for false assumptions as you made in your essay.

Undergraduate / French House/Open-mindedness-- Wellesley Supplement Essay/ Wellesley 100 Essay [3]

Lin, this essay should be written in 2 paragraphs instead of one extremely long one. Also, you need to review the Wllesley 100 list and align your essay response with that list. Remember, the reviewer is looking for specific, well explained reasons as to why you have chosen to attend Wellesley. I don't get a sense of that in this essay. Your response is more of an open or free topic essay, which is not the suggested manner of approaching this supplemental essay. It would be in your best interests to delete this essay from your file so you can write a totally new essay. This time, base the essay on the 2 most striking reasons in their list that you feel best embodies the reasons why you chose to attend this university. Bear in mind, you only have 2 paragraphs to discuss your "why" scenario, so make your choices count.

Pick the stand out reasons that you feel best aligns with your personal reasons for attending this university. Remember, the reviewer is using this prompt to make you reveal your familiarity with the university and also, offer you an opportunity to discuss the 2 common aspects that you share with the university. It is because of these specific requirements that I do not advise you to continue using this essay. Submitting the wrong essay for your chosen prompt can result in your application being thrown out. So let's avoid having that happen to you.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS TASK 2) The public should be encouraged to use public transportation more. Give your opinio [7]

Emin, please remember to post the complete prompt discussion that you were given for the practice essay the next time you post here. I have no basis for my review of your essay at this point. I do not know if you are discussing the correct requirements in the manner that is expected. Your essay leaves me wondering about certain scoring elements that rely on a proper TA score at the start, before more scoring is done in the remaining aspects. Your opening statement does not properly outline the discussion elements for the essay. Nor does it identify the actual topic for the reader's reference.

When the TA is this unclear, it is almost sure that the student will not get a passing TA score, which will then jeopardize the rest of the scoring criteria, which could result in you failing the entire essay test. Even your conclusion can be deemed faulty as it closes with a hanging sentence in the paragraph rather than a concluding statement. This was caused by the continued discussion that was included in the last paragraph. You should have closed the discussion instead.

Additionally, for an essay that requires you to give your opinion, you do not take ownership of the points of view in the essay. Using the first person pronoun is a requirement in this type of essay as you are being asked to focus on your opinion alone. That is, provided the partial prompt requirement that you posted is reliable and accurate. The assessment that I gave your paper is selective because the guidelines for its assessment is not complete. I will be able to deliver a better review with your second essay provided you give me all of the requirements for the essay review first.

Undergraduate / Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea - The Common App Essay [3]

Min, your story is nowhere near responding properly to the prompt you were given. You are offering an insight that belongs more as a personal statement story than a time when you challenged a belief or idea. This story is not suited as a prompt because you only tell bits and pieces of stories that neither have a challenge nor a belief in any idea. This story is more suited towards prompt number 5 that states:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

You can revise this essay to better respond to the realization that sparked new understanding of yourself. That way, you don't have to write a totally new essay. You just need to adjust the content of this current version in order to make it more relevant towards the specific requirements of the prompt. I would focus more on the story of you envying your friend for getting into a good school when you had no plans for your future. That is right up the alley of the aforementioned prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing task 1] What UK graduate and postgraduate students did after leaving college in 2008? [2]

@BADJ You did a very good job in presenting the information from the charts on an individual and comparative basis. However, your summary overview and trending discussions are incomplete in the essay. While the summary overview can be located either at the beginning or the end of the essay, I always suggest that it be placed in the first paragraph so that it can help to increase your task accuracy score. By completely indicating the required information and discussion points, the outline for the essay will be able to assist the reader in assessing your summary report. The information that should be contained in your summary should be inclusive of the following:

1. Type of graph and purpose of the graph
2. Demographic being considered
3. Data collection method
4. Data type collected
5. Discussion points that will be presented

Your trending statement can either be incorporated into the opening paragraph or created as the topic statement for your first body paragraph. Your work in summarizing and comparing the information is exemplary. It shows a keen analytical mind and an attention to detail that not all exam takers have. Had you properly presented the summary overview, I have no doubt that you would have scored somewhere in the band score of 7 with this essay.

Writing Feedback / CAE Essay Part 1: Methods schools and universities use to help students find suitable jobs [4]

Hanh, since this CAE test comes with a suggested discussion introduction, it would be best for you to present the complete discussion suggestion with your next essay. That way I can better assist you when it comes to creating your topic presentation and enhanced talking points within the written essay. As far as this essay is concerned, it would have been better if you had managed to pose a question at the start of the first paragraph which could have been used to offer your own prompt requirement for response in the essay.

You have to work on developing your English vocabulary for use in this type of writing. While you did maintain an academic tone throughout, your essay has too many grammar problems for your presentation to be considered at a level higher than that of an intermediate user. In order to pass this test, you need to have a stronger vocabulary, more cohesive presentations, and an interesting topic for discussion.

The work you created is a bit dry and not really interesting to read. The discussion points need to be more fluid, interconnected, and relevant to the reader. There is more room for development in your work. However, without the original presentation, I cannot show you how to do that. I promise to help you improve in that aspect starting with your next practice essay. That is, provided that you supply the complete information for the creation of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTs Task2: Advantages and disadvantages do home computers have for children [2]

Van, it is unfortunate that you forgot to upload the complete original prompt instructions along with your response essay. Without that, I cannot accurately assess your written work beyond the grammar presentation and flow of thought. As it is, it would seem that you did a thorough discussion of the topic as you understand it within the body paragraphs.

The opening statement though, is a different matter. It doesn't really ring true as a reliable restatement of the original prompt. This is the problem that occurs when you just give us the essay to assess but not the complete original prompt to base our comments upon. The lack of guidance from the prompt means we are limited in the method by which we can review your work or make suggestions regarding your weak points. Your opening statement and concluding paragraph both do not contain the minimum 3 sentence requirement that would have qualified these statements as a complete paragraph. So you would lose points in the GRA section of the essay. I am not sure about the TA score because of the missing original prompt.

Sadly, it is too late for you to post the original prompt at this point. As contributor who can properly advice you regarding the problem points of this essay, I am limited to giving you only one free review of your essay. Therefore, I will just hope that you will remember to post the complete requirements with your second essay so that I can better assess and advice you regarding improving your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2. Is 24-hour television a good thing? Or it may bring some harm. [3]

Johnny, you need to familiarize yourself with the various types of essay discussions that are required of the IELTS test takers. There is no singular way of discussing these prompts. The instructions dictate how the topic is to be presented for discussion. Sometimes, it is a comparative essay, sometimes it is a personal opinion essay, sometimes, it is a double point of view essay, and sometimes, it is a singular point of view of the essay discussion. These essays test your analytical skills. Do you understand the topic provided? Do you understand the instructions being provided for the discussion? Do you know how you are supposed to discuss this essay? Look for keywords in the essay that will tell you the kind of discussion required. In this instance, the sentence "is this a positive or negative development?" indicates the choice you have to make in consideration of how you will be discussing the essay. Either it is a positive or negative development, it cannot be both. You can discuss both if the instructions says "discuss both points of view..." In this instance, the essay did not follow the prompt requirements with regards to the discussion. Therefore, even as a practice essay, this will not pass the exercise.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2; some people think that social networking sites have a damaging effect [4]

Tuan, this cannot be a good essay. It is a failing essay because you did not discuss the topic in the manner that was instructed of you in the original statement. You decided to discuss the positive effects of Facebook, in particular, when the instruction was for you to discuss the extent of your disagreement with the belief that social network as a negative impact on the public. There is no positive discussion to be given. Only a supporting discussion for the negative side. You will have automatically failed the TA section which means, that there is no way this essay can get a passing score. You created your own prompt requirement (the positive effect of social media) and then discussed that in a comparison manner in the essay. That is a totally irrelevant discussion that does not allow you to portray your English skills in the manner that the examiner expects to see. Such an error in the TA section, which is the total basis for the rest of the scoring elements, would result in an overall score of 1. That means that your response is not related to the task. As such, the rest of the scoring elements will no longer be considered. If you don't follow the prompt, you don't pass the test. It's as simple as that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: should information be freely accessible? [3]

Long, this essay will get an automatic failing score. It will not pass any of the criteria for consideration because you wrote a research paper instead of a 30 minute essay discussion as instructed by the prompt. I feel that you did not really understand what was being required of you in the essay. This paper shows an in-depth academic research instead of a personal point of view discussion of two different opinions. Due to the mistaken discussion procedure, the essay did not even make it past the TA scoring stage. There is nothing in the essay discussion that relates to the instructions you were provided. Since you are still reviewing for the IELTS test, it would be in your best interest if you ask fellow students or your instructor / tutor to explain the topic for discussion and the method of discussion before you write your next practice test. Before you write an essay, you first need to make sure that you understand the English requirements. This essay proves that even though you can write in English, you have a problem understanding instructions in English. So, before you proceed with your practice essays, improve your English comprehension skills first. If you make a mistake such as you did in this essay, you are sure to score between a 0-3 in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2 - Why ppl try to find out the history of their family? Positive trend? [3]

Phuong, I understand that this is your first time writing an IELTS Task 2 essay. Which is why you have some serious formatting and discussion mistakes in this essay. I take it that you are not attending review classes and are studying on your own right? It is pretty evident in the manner that the essay was written. Which is why I will opt to simply advice you regarding your mistakes at this point. I am expecting that after my explanations, you will show an improvement in your next practice essay presentation.

An opening statement needs to accurately rephrase the original prompt. You did not do that in this essay. The opinion that the tracing of the family history is a positive trend should have been the last part of the opening statement. It would have come after the restatement of the topic, discussion instructions, and opinion overview presentation. Since your essay does not follow this format, you can bet that you will not get a good score on this essay.

The body paragraph discussions are not accurately done either. That is because you mixed the discussion points required in the opening statement with the informative discussion paragraphs portion of the essay. You will be losing score considerations quite rapidly at this rate and will most likely get less than passing scores in the process.

I strongly suggest that you review other essays relating to the same topic in this forum so that you can familiarize yourself with the proper formatting and expected discussion when it comes to similar themes in the future. That would be the best way to prepare yourself for the discussion that this sort of prompt requires.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Opinion over providing a wide range of young people with higher education [4]

Pham, there are points for correction in your opening statement. First of all, you were being asked to discuss the degree of either your agreement or disagreement with the prompt. Instead, you indicated that you would be discussing the legitimacy of the statement instead. That is a totally different prompt discussion topic from what was originally provided. Additionally, when you say "for the following reasons", the punctuation mark that comes after that is a colon, not a period as the phrase indicates a listing of information is to follow beneath the present statement. Since you are not offering a continued discussion that connects with the same paragraph, you cannot use that phrase in the paragraph. Instead, you should have indicated that you were going to "discuss several reasons in the succeeding paragraphs". That would have been the more acceptable discussion method sentence representation in your essay.

The two body paragraphs offer solid reasons for your reasoning. However, since you made a mistake in the representation of the prompt requirements, you will lose a significant amount of points in the TA portion. Add to that the limited concluding discussion and your essay may not have a chance of passing the test. Always write in complete paragraphs. Do not write in 2 sentences because the GRA requirement asks you to create at least 3 simple or complex sentences within 5 completely developed and discussed paragraphs. Using only 2 sentences does not allow for such developments in the paragraph and will have a direct scoring down effect on your GRA and C&C scores.