Writing Feedback / Essay on " Every year several languages die out"; 'but still we manage our life' [7]

Yes, you can say that, but then you need to justify this stance in your body paragraphs. What you should do is that take one side of the argument in one body para and give your reason to justify your opinion and then support it with an example. Then in the other body para, talk about the other side of the argument with reasons and examples. You can follow the same structure we have recommended with such slight deviations.

Writing Feedback / GRE1. dependence on technology weaken thinking ability [3]

It's better if you included your prompt together with your essay so that we know exactly what it requires from you. Also, GRE essays should be opened in Writing Feedback forum and therefore make sure you follow these instructions when opening future threads. (This essay had been initially posted to Essays Term papers and transferred to Writing Feedback)


Overall, this is a well written essay :)

Student Talk / What is ielts writing? I am confused. [27]

@ Seba0817 - Write essays on IELTS topics and post them here. We will help you improve :)

Writing Feedback / "why a new global language is absolutely necessary for a new world.?" [7]

You need to write the essay on this topic and post it here for others to provide you with their feedback.

Writing Feedback / Parents are most selfless well-wisher of children - IMPORTANT QUALITIES OF A GOOD SON OR DAUGHTER [5]


I feel this is pretty out of topic. Your hook needs to be relevant to the topic and should provide an easy entrance to the introduction of the prompt. In this case your topic is about a good daughter or a son and not about your parents. So, you should not lose the focus of the topic :(

However, you display good writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Living in "CONSUMER SOCIETIES" [2]

However, some people believe that consumer culture might bringplay a vital role in order to improving lives.living standards
play role / bring benefits


Although this is true, in my opinion, a person cannot lead a good life if he or she gives too much importance to money and possessions.

Writing Feedback / MALE AND FEMALE FITNESS MEMBERSHIP BETWEEN 1970 AND 2000 [4]


This para contains both introduction and overview. Ideally they should come separately.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1; Global sales of games software, Ds and Video or DVD [4]


The bar chart provides information about sales of games software, CDs and Video or DVD from the year 2000 to 2003.


The first sentence is a too obvious one and therefore I feel you should have not included that in your introduction. You need to re-do this overview section as it is not very well presented in this essay. First pick the most obvious observations and present them briefly without any details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I Fitnes Membership [3]

The bar chart depictsillustrates theabout number of women and men who asheld fitness membership for three decades since 1970 till 2000.


Bar chart has not fluctuated, but the numbers of memberships have fluctuated.


You give only an overview of the graphical presentation in the bar chart. You don't discuss any details with the support of data in the overview.

Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : Information Technology Benefit vs Disadvantages [2]

Information technology (IT) nowadays likesis likenuclear explosion which influences all parts of live including home, leisure, and work.
nuclear explosion? ??????? This generates a negative feeling about IT influence. Is that what you wanted to express?


... wrong grammar - People and IT are united. ... However, I don't see any meaning of this sentence :(

Obviously, this unity is causedbrings benefit from the IT usage and helpful enough for people activities...

All of the above sentences are quite confusing and I struggled a lot to find any alignment between them and your topic :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Number of students attending three courses from 2001 to 2004 [3]


"In general" makes "overall" redundant. Use one of them!
Also, this could have been a bit more informative;
Overall, the courses C had recorded a sharp growth in number of students by the end of 2004. The courses A and B have experienced major fluctuations with the student attendance numbers during the four years.

Good structure and good writing!

Undergraduate / I thought I wasn't good enough - I had problems with reading; WHY TRANSFER? /BC, UCLA,NEU [3]


This sounds a bit too abstract - you are leaving where?
My high school performance didn't enable me to peruse my goals because during high school it took me a long time long time to realize my full potential.


I think you need to attend this part again. Begin with your reading disability and tell them what was the reason. It is an important thing for them to know.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : the influence of advertisement on children [8]

It seems you follow a good structure for your introduction. However, why you particularly mention about advertising on screen -

.... Advertising is not limited to screen alone, there are audio advertisements as well. Try not to narrow down your scope of your topic when you introduce it to the reader.

You should give specific examples to support your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : About athletes's Income [7]


You gain knowledge, but earn money. There are lots of grammatical errors and I fixed most of them. Pay attention to your grammar!
However, other people argue that athletes do not deserve to earn such large sums of money


You said this already in the introduction. So you don't have to reiterate the same in your body paragraphs. Instead you should give reasons to justify your position and support them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Essay on " Every year several languages die out"; 'but still we manage our life' [7]


First, you are most welcome to the EF! :) A few admin requests for you - You should open your essays in the most appropriate forum and in this case it is Writing Feedback (this was moved from Graduate to Writing Feedback) Also, include the purpose of your essay (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc.) in the title so that you can earn more meaningful feedbacks.

Last, include your prompt in the essay so that we can understand what your prompt exactly want from you.

Undergraduate / What are your reasons for wanting to enroll in the Ib Programme?; IB Entrance [4]


I have told by many people that I have a great potential, however, I don't feel challenged by my current academic pathway.


I understand that IB Programme is quite challenging and I like that idea of taking up the challenge by making use of my fullest potential.


I think you repeat almost the same idea over and over again.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY EVALUTION - TOEFL - FALLOW YOUR CUSTOM OR OTHER COUNTRY'S. [3]


.... what does this mean?
Our traditions and customs keep'skeep us connected with our ancestral roots.
This is a very good sentence. Look at the following grammar corrections;
Our traditions and customs keep us connected / Our tradition keeps us connected


These are not well presented ideas. You need to rephrase them !

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : International Sporting in easing international tensions [4]

Throughout the world, international games which were heldworldwidehaveplayed an important role to reinforce the relation and reduce the tension between many countries which join in those competitions.

There is lots of redundancy I find in this sentence.
Throughout the world, international, worldwide --------> all these mean the same and used over and over again.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Reasons of choosing dangerous sports or activity. [9]


Well, this is not a common usage that everybody's familiar with. I would like to suggest you not to do experiments with this task because it might put you in trouble. These tasks are simple ones to assess your competency level in writing, speaking, reading and listening. So, your aim should be to gain a good score by meeting the objectives of this exam.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]

Ok, the structure I have given you is just a guide line that fits for many topics of this task, but at the same time it may not really fit well with some of the tasks. However, if you find difficult with following the detail section of this structure, just do it the way you like. That would be the best way :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Compare and contrast you and your parents way of living [3]


...."For starters" is not a good way to begin your sentence. "To begin with", "First" are better phrases to start your body para.


Ok, it's better you skim the main characteristics of your lifestyle and then elaborate them with examples. For example;
First, I prefer to lead a more adventurous life style in view of upgrading the quality of living. For example, I would not hesitate to move from one job to another to progress in my career. Second, I do not like leading a slow life and always look forward to faster solutions. This is why I prefer to communicate via Skype, email or phone rather than writing letters because these options help me save my time.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card. -- ielts [7]

First of all, one of the primary functions of credit card is to provide a convenient alterativealternate solution to make payments whenever is neededon credit basis.


This helps people avoid carrying bulk cash when they travel around.


For example, when you want to purchase a car which involves a large sum of money, credit card becomes a handy solution that does not require for you to carry that much of money to the seller.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: SCIENTISTS VS POLITICIANS - Who have the greatest influence on our lives? [5]


This sentence does not contain any meaningful idea :(

Writing Feedback / Some employers are giving increased importance to social skills --ielts [10]


Ok... let's check the alignment :D


.... I wish you shortened this sentence. Also, it's better if you said this idea in a more simple way because it sounds a bit complicated and contains too much details for the reader to memorize.

As I mentioned above, you write well and it is a matter of aligning your structure more with the required one :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. --ielts [8]


.... I think this part does not deliver any meaningful idea to the reader. Avoid having such phrases in your writing. The point you need to be more considerate is that you tell your reader more convincing facts. Do not have priority for displaying your vocabulary knowledge over clarity of your sentences.


... In my view


If you think it generates only negative effects to people, you shouldn't talk about the other side of the issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: IS IT GOOD TO CHANGE? [5]


For everybody, there is a moment in life that they would be demanded to change things from the way they have been done earlier.


.... don't narrow down the scope of your topic when you are presenting your reasons to justify your position. You can do that when presenting examples.

On the other hand, there are many people who prefer not to change, but to continue with their accustomed routines. For example, let's take changing jobs.

Writing Feedback / I was a rebel I was a trouble maker; Epiphany in My Life [6]

At one moment I was out there having fun with my friends wasting money ,my momsmom's money . I dintdidn't wantwanted to go to school. In Middle School I was a rebel I was a trouble maker. I dintdidn't go to school for a whole year because I willwanted to go with my friends to kickbacks .I didndt think that education was worth orit for me it wasn't important.had any importance for my life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: HIGH INCOME OF SPORTS PROFESSIONALS [4]


This is a pretty weak sentence. It does not deliver a clear idea :( .... What do you actually mean? Are you talking about their popularity? If so, tell that more straight!


keener? I feel you better say;
many people are more keen on sports events


Give more focus to the real reason here. In my view, the publicity given by media to these events have aroused people's interest in these sporting events.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should tax be paid ? Advantages and Disadvantages [9]


"governing" does not refer to any particular extreme regime. It can be communism, capitalistic, democratic, kingship or any type of governing systems. I vote for the word "govern" to "operate" for this particular sentence because a government needs to conduct the policy, actions, and affairs of with authority irrespective of whatever political inclination they would have. "Operate" is more task oriented word which is used to describe controlling functioning of machines, processes and small scale systems.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Reasons of choosing dangerous sports or activity. [9]


First, sorry about my comment on grammar... When I read your sentence very carefully for the second time, I didn't find any grammar issue. But in the first instance I felt so. Anyway, you have issues with the words you used there. First, starting with "well" is not appropriate in essay writing. It is more appropriate in speaking tasks. Then, "immensely enthusiastic" sounds a bit overdone. Also, it is not clear what you meant by "beyond unexceptional games".... My advice for you is not to complicate your sentences with too many words. Write simple shorter sentences so that the reader would not find it difficult to follow your ideas.

Scholarship / Personal Statement- IELTS Scholarship; master degree in Distributed System [7]


I think there's no need to repeat things that are already implied. This is my suggestion;
During my undergraduate studies, DS topics attracted my attention towards computer networking and distributed systems.


.... this is not very clear :(
The course was well structured to provide us with a sound theoretical and practical knowledge and helped us gain a sound professional exposure through designing and implementing various practical applications in both computer networking and DS.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [8]

First, I've got a small admin request for you - Your IELTS essays should be opened in Writing Feedback forum. (This was transferred from Essay Term papers)


This sentence is not written well...it has issues with grammar and clarity :( Try to present your hook is a more simple and interesting way;

Throughout the world, usage of credit cards has become a part of everybody's lifestyle.


Obviously, it is a very helpful and efficient solution for making payments that helps us avoid the inconvenience of carrying bulk cash.


Why you drag economists into this scenario? Your prompt is a very simple one which talks about what average people sometimes experience with credit cards. Do not introduce your topic to give a different interpretation of your topic. Try to introduce it in its original sense.

Undergraduate / Why APU? I researched well on the uni ! [4]


I feel you don't have to give too much detail unless they make some meaningful contribution to your answer. For me, the above statement sounds like unwanted details that do not add much value for your reasons to attend APU. Most of the students do what you have said above and it doesn't tell anything special about you. I feel you should make use of every word and sentence to tell things that are more focused towards your answer.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Reasons of choosing dangerous sports or activity. [9]


.... Better you improve presentation of this idea;
A large number of games are played across the globe and some of them are of very dangerous nature.


This sentence is too long and has some issues in terms of vocabulary, grammar and clarity. Write shorter sentences having one idea per sentence. That helps you improve clarity and presentation of your writing.

Graduate / 'THRIVE Project' - Masters of Public Health Personal Statement [3]


This sentence is too long and therefore it disturbs a smooth flow of your ideas. I think you need to rephrase this.... Try to shorten its length.

However, my experiences as ain psychology major broadened my perspectives
Overall, I find this is interesting and well presented :)
Wish you good luck with your application! :)

Undergraduate / Revision of my study objectives essay - Industrial Engineering [3]


I work in the Production Planning Control Department, and daily I come across problems that occur in manufacturing system.


... I don't get your idea clearly :( Is this what you mean;
Each day I pass, my interest grows more and more in problem solving.

Writing Feedback / Some employers are giving increased importance to social skills --ielts [10]

Include your prompt in the essay so that we can have a better idea about what it requires from you.


Include an example to support your reasoning.
You write very well. This is an impressive essay. If you did this on your own without any help and also within the allocated time, then you are quite ready to take up the task :)

Writing Feedback / Task 2. Crime and Punishment. IELTS [9]

In ancient times, many people were often subjected to penalty almost every crime.sever punishments every time they committed a crime.


.... This is a pretty confusing sentence. Your idea is not conveyed properly :(


... what will they do? You need to specify that to the reader.
Follow the structure I gave above and re-do this essay and post it here. I'll check it for you again :)

Writing Feedback / Higher salaries, risky job is better; 'people are motivated by their distress' [5]

First, open your threads for TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback forum. This has been transferred from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback.


As a member of the young generation


This is a very good introduction. Very well presented :)
I can see you write very well. You now follow the appropriate structure as well. This forum is a good place to get others to read your essays and give you good comments as to how you can improve. You too should help others to become active in this forum again. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, It is impossible to be completely honest with friends. [5]


In many instances, people tend to lie to their friends in view of not hurting them by telling them the bitter truth.


...."people" is plural and " jazz musician" is singular... you need to maintain consistency :(


This whole thing does not deliver a proper idea :( What is about between these jazz musicians ? You need to tell that here!