Undergraduate / Research - Most important activities - UBC essay [2]

@farhanav
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site again! Here's my feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate the introductory paragraph, I think you could have gotten away with providing a summary first about the two listed activities that you have. Do this instead of blatantly jumping into the text without much care for the intent of writing. If you are able to do this, it will certainly improve your writing immensely. Try to also create a blanket statement that will sort give the readers/evaluators an idea of what to anticipate with your writing, especially since you are working in such a technical field.

When trying to discuss and expound on the second paragraph, try to be more specific as much as possible. Instead of saying that you have read "a dozen publications", be more specific on what they are and the content they have. This will show that you truly know what you are saying and not merely just relying on a superficial note.

I noticed that your introduction of values is also still quite cluttered because you were trying to incorporate and attach so many sets of values onto your situation. Be more organized and try to lay everything out and connect the details - this will certainly help you become bolder in your interpretation of texts.

Writing Feedback / Short essay: should media describe crimes - bad consequences may occur [3]

@expmphp
Hi there! Welcome to the site. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have any other questions.

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is alright, you need to work on establishing first that background information before anything else. From the get-go, that first sentence needed to have additional supplementary information fin order to make it more effective. The transition also from your thoughts regarding how detailed broadcasted information are when reporting incidents to the awareness was also quite weak in general. I heavily suggest working on a better introduction as this can definitely drag your essay.

Balancing the conclusion is also a critical part in essays, which I feel like is often forgotten by others. Your conclusion still needs to be sharpened and improved if you truly want to be able to show the readers that you have complete grasp over the subject at hand.

Scholarship / Personal values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviour [2]

@NAYS
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions if you have any!

From the get-go, I find the general overview of your writing to be a little bit cluttered, especially if we take a look at the flow of transition between thought A and B. While I recognize that you were trying to elaborate and focus more on the meaning of discipline in your life's context, I find that the latter parts of writing should have been improved by being more organized with relaying your thoughts and opinions. For example, the second paragraph didn't necessarily pave way for a more fruitful discussion on the next parts of writing.

Being more focused as well on a specific trait, which I can tell that you attempted to do in the first parts of the writing, should be maintained throughout. For example, you quickly jumped into talking about your passion for experiencing things on the last paragraph even though this wasn't a clear trait that you were trying to promote on the earlier paragraphs. If you can be more specific and target-focused, this will definitely improve your writing in totality.

Writing Feedback / WRITING IELTS TASK 2: the importance of music - it connects the people [3]

@jungsooyeon
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that you are able to learn something from this essay.

Firstly, I think that the introductory statements are still a bit lacking, considering that you were unable to provide a more comprehensive briefing on what the thesis statement/core message of the writing is. That first sentence could be better if you were able to relate it better to how intercultural or cross-cultural the experience of music is. Try to be more specific rather than giving out vague statements.

Like what I regularly tell people, evading the usage of excessive language will always be helpful in balancing out your writing. In your writing, it is quite obvious that the latter parts of your writing already didn't have the ample space for a more fruitful discussion. For instance, the concluding paragraph was already lacking in terms of substance. Try to keep everything balanced out when you are writing in order to create for a more substantive discussion.

Undergraduate / The tutor - Ubc personal profile essay [2]

@joshuajacobj7
Hi there. Thanks for being a part of the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, try to be more consistent with your usage of perspectives in writing. For instance, the first paragraph appears to be in a third-person point-of-view, however you ended up shifting to a first-person point-of-view by the very end. I heavily suggest, in this particular type of writing, to stick with the first-person point-of-view, especially because that is what is being asked of you.

It would also be better if you can categorize and substantiate details more throughout your writing. For instance, in this particular text, it is quite clear that you should have had a value-based approach to writing because you were mostly describing what makes your personality stand out. In that regard, it would be better to introduce a particular value, back it up with details and experiences that provide evidence that you do have this trait, and then cap it with a personal anecdote. This will make your writing a lot more effective in convincing the readers about your personal experiences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1 Comparison of population and projection in Yemen and Italy; the differentiation of percentage [4]

@roswita116
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous participation in the site! I hope my feedback gives you clarity.

To answer your question, the word teenagers doesn't necessarily pertain to that age range, considering that 0 to 15 is a mixture of infancy and teenage years. I wouldn't necessarily recommend changing the phrasing of this because it might just cause confusion in the minds of the readers. However, the other changed in formatting (aged 15 - 56 as adults and aged 60+ as elderly) can still be doable.

Looking into your writing, I suggest working on creating more specific delineations in your writing. For instance, that second paragraph's first sentence should have had a couple of punctuation marks throughout because it was spilling with numerous phrases throughout. Try to be more concise with the placement of these punctuation marks to create a softer transition. Implement this recommendation to the last paragraph of your writing as well.

Letters / Medical Exchange Program - searching for fix a letter of recommendation [2]

@Tutti green
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, the first paragraph needs to be enhanced to appear a lot more formal and professional in writing. Omit words that are excessive - and try your best to deal with the technical angle of things than anything else. For instance, take a look at this revision of your introductory sentence: The Global Undergraduate Exchange Program alwaysprovides a good opportunity opportunities for all outstanding undergraduate students in community service, professional development, and cultural enrichment.

Try to also merge lines that can actually flow in the same spectrum. If we take a look at the second paragraph, for instance, it is obvious how the first two sentences could have been merged to create a shorter and more structured sentence. If you stick with these fundamentals of learning, it would be much better for your writing in general.

Writing Feedback / Sports - playing in teams vs individually [3]

@VaniseBlackwood
Welcome to the site! I'm a contributor here - and I am hoping that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

The introductory thesis statement is well-done. It was a put-together method of formatting your writing, especially because you were able to relay the information with ease. What I do suggest is trying to be more straightforward with the rest of your writing. For example, that second sentence in the first paragraph immediately is over-stretching the details instead of focusing on what really needs to be incorporated into the text.

In the same line of thought, omitting unnecessary and excessive details is also a great way to move forward and maximize your writing space. For example, in your second paragraph's third sentence, you could have removed mentioning that this will "broaden their network" since that's precisely what "building relationships" entail. Being more specific will give you more of a detailed outlook than anything else.

Research Papers / Dog Breeds and their Aggression; A Nationwide problem with animal welfare and public health [2]

@rya2160098
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this essay of yours. Don't hesitate to ask for more!

Firstly, while I find that the introductory paragraph is alright, I think that you could have still improved this part of writing if you immediately responded to the context with a thesis statement. Taking a look at your first paragraph, it was unnecessary to make mention of how these are stereotypical behaviors, especially since this wasn't supposed to be the core value that you're promoting throughout your writing. You should have focused a lot more on just mentioning that aggressive breeds do exist - and backing that up briefly with a scientific statement.

On a general note on writing, try to focus a lot more on making more concise content, especially because you are working with so many details throughout. Stick with the four to six sentences per paragraph rule because this will allow you to prioritize and become more strategic with what content you're putting out there.

Undergraduate / My Model UN experience - solving global issues [2]

@reneemvm
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to keep asking if you have more questions!

Given the fact that you are working with such a small word count, I heavily recommend that you try to prioritize the information you are sharing here. When we take a look at (generally speaking) everything that you put out here, it is quite noticeable how certain parts should have been omitted. For instance, while it was important that you were able to lay out all your experiences with MUN, it would have been better if you could have strayed away from over-explaining - instead, you should have focused a lot more on a specific experience (such as the CAIMUN as I have read) and just deal with that. Spreading your cards all over the table certainly will not benefit you in the long-run.

Furthermore, try to always evade using language that will not benefit you in the long-run. For example, you didn't necessarily need to mention that the committee was smaller hence why you were able to have the opportunity to speak. This appeared to be rather belittling on your personal opinions instead of showing an overall confidence towards what you experienced.

When you're also trying to express how a certain experience has changed you, it would be much better if you are able to explain how specifically it has shaped you. Try to make a brief comparison of your personality before joining the MUN and afterward; this comparative viewpoint will be much more effective than just vaguely describing your experiences.

Writing Feedback / The graph - consumption of fish and meat in an European country - how much grams per week? [4]

@An Huynh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I agree with the prior comment that the last paragraph should always be dedicated to writing a summation or an analysis on the data presented; this shouldn't be about presenting additional information as that is not the purpose of conclusion.

Rather than having information spread out like this, I heavily suggest that you work on compartmentalizing details a lot more. For instance, the second to the fourth paragraphs could all be mashed together to create something that's more substantive. This will give you ample space to discuss more on the conclusion what should be discussed here. Always remember to omit excessive language as it will not benefit you in the long-run. Try to also stick with only what is necessary when writing as this will help you trim down the total words that you're turning in.

Prioritization is key when writing - bear this in mind at all times.

Writing Feedback / Computer. Is this electric device the most crucial breakthrough of 21th century human civilization? [4]

@anh123
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions!

While I think that the first paragraph is decent, I also suggest trying to improve it by being more straightforward and heads-on when you're writing. For instance, the first sentence needed to really focus more on the value of computers, rather than on other developments that have been happening around it. Being more context-specific will help you in the long-run develop a more strategic type of content.

Looking more into the rest of your writing, the body paragraphs also need to be treated with more precision. For instance, the second paragraph needed to be compartmentalized a lot more, especially when it came to the manner that you wrote the second to third sentences.

The concluding paragraph did not appear like a conclusive remark; rather, it appeared to be supplementary information. Knowing the difference between these two types of content will help you in the long-run to create more substantive content.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Part 1: Staff training provided by four companies. [4]

@Cuong Trinh
Hi there. Welcome again to the site! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us and ask for more information should you have additional queries!

In general, I find your writing to be a tad bit cluttered, especially because you were merging all of your analysis and interpretations into just one cluster of text. What you could have done to improve this writing would have been to incorporate a more strategic approach to writing to create a more compartmentalized approach to writing. For example, the second paragraph (that you have now) should have been sub-divided into three shorter ones to create different layers of analysis in writing as opposed to dumping everything in just one go.

The last concluding remarks should have also been improved to. Just merely stating that there is a highlighted growth that's visibly seen throughout those three years that have passed is insufficient. Try to be more innovative with your final remarks to make everything appear a lot more structured.

Writing Feedback / Should the state funds go for art rather than on other public sectors? IELTS 2 [2]

@alicexyz
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach us for additional information should you have more questions!

Generally speaking, I don't find anything that's glaringly tough to understand about your writing. I think that you write very well, especially in comparison perhaps to other people. Other than being able to write well, the flow of writing that you have is obviously put-together.

What I do think can improve your writing would be to focus more on compartmentalizing and prioritizing details in your essay. For instance, the third paragraph appears to be rather cluttered because you were using quite excessive language. What you could have done was improve the entirety of the writing by focusing more on which details are actually necessary.

Also, try your best to link back the details in the most logical way possible. If we take a look at the second paragraph's last sentences, they do not seem to tie up with the rest of the intent of writing.

Writing Feedback / Taking a secure job right away rather than waiting for a job that could be more satisfying. [3]

@GaleEastwood
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. No worries! I will do my best to assist you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the first paragraph is still a bit blurry in terms of its content because of the lack of conciseness in writing. For example, you could have opted to create a shorter and immediate thesis statement that will help improve the overall flow of your writing. Doing this will also certainly improve the level of individuality in your writing because you will have a smoother transition flow.

When we go into the latter parts of the body paragraph, you could have opted to minimize the usage of excessive/unnecessary language to help you write with ease. For instance, the second paragraph is flooded with excessive explanations that do not contribute a lot to your writing. What you could do instead is focus more on the core values/thoughts of writing, rather than dwelling on how formal and crisp your grasp of the language is. Remember that the core message is what is important, not necessarily how humongous your language is.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Employees should dress smartly or focus on productivity instead of appearance? [2]

@thaithu
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I hope my feedback gives you a better insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have additional questions/concerns!

From the get-go, I think that the first paragraph can still be improved if you focused a lot more on specifying details. For instance, the first paragraph's introductory sentence still appears to be rather bland. It is insufficient for you to merely mention that it will "draw in attention" if you the discussion of dress-codes would be presented. Instead, what you could have done was jumped straight into why these specific queries draw attention in the first place. Bear in mind that being more specific can go a long way for you.

Taking things further down the line, the transition between your body paragraphs needs to be hammered down and improved as well. Alongside this, you should also improve the level of formality in your writing. This can be easily done if you would opt to not use specific lines that do not necessarily give away that you're dealing with casual language. For instance, the last sentence of your second paragraph is a clear indicator of informality. Try your best to stick with language that is boldly formal.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: Who are you? One who has stepped out of their shell to become a leader [4]

@ppham2020
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope that my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I think that the first parts of your essay are alright. What I find to be a tad bit concerning is the fact that you still need to improve your sentence construction. From the first sentence, it was obvious that you were merely connecting everything without care for precision and appropriateness. If you are able to stick with simpler formatting options, I am sure that you will improve the overall text

When looking at the core entries of the essay in the body paragraph, I think that you have a tendency over-explain situations. When you're constrained with word counts, it is better to stick with a straightforward approach to writing rather than trying to use unnecessary information throughout. If you're able to do this, it can certainly improve the appeal of your writing, making your essay more effective in relaying core details.

Letters / Write an email to your English friend. In your email, tell your friend about your favourite film [4]

@emme4665
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the site. While this a short query, I hope that my insights will help you in the long-run in developing more creative and substantive essays.

Firstly, when posting on the site, it would truly be helpful if you can provide a quick insight on the background of what you are writing. This will help readers fully understand what is going to be sought after in the writing.

If we take a look at the way that you tried to explain that film, you were merely using vague descriptors and lines. Try to be more specific as this is your moment to show that you truly know the film in detail, which is going to give your writing a boost because it will show heightened dedication to the field.

Writing Feedback / The governments should impose a high tax on fast foods or not. Disagree or degree [5]

@camchi
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I'm a contributor on the site and would love to give a feedback on your writing. I hope this isn't too late - and we would love to have you back here again!

In hindsight, I do not find anything that's immensely wrong with your writing, especially because you have quite a decent grasp of the language already. What I have observed, however, is that you have a tendency to over-extend your sentences to fill the space in your writing. Instead of focusing so much on over-explaining, I heavily recommend that you focus more on trying to analyze the content itself.

When we take a look at the second paragraph, for instance, the second point merely appeared to be a ramble than an actual additional point to the writing. What I suggest is trying to incorporate a more personalized interpretation of details by explaining the impact of these events, rather than focusing solely on what is happening. Having a more forward approach will benefit you in the long-run in constructing relevant content.

Letters / Write formal letter of invitation (special event at an university) [2]

@ngocbich
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback is helpful for your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to ask more questions should you have additional concerns.

While I think that you had a concise writing pattern in the first parts of your writing, you still needed to be more specific with the information you're putting out there. For example, that first sentence needs to be hammered down a lot more, especially if you intend for readers to pick up on what the event means. It is insufficient to just mention that it will showcase the importance of xxx. Try to be more specific with the goals of the event to make it appear more specific and technical.

When you're inviting someone to speak, it would also be better if you incorporated their own credentials to show that they are the right fit for the position. This will create a stronger position for the person himself to appreciate the rest of the writing.

Writing Feedback / Is the government solely responsible for the environment or everyone should care? [3]

@carryceasy
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum for feedback! Best of luck in your endeavors.

Firstly, be cautious of small mistakes that are found throughout your writing. For instance, punctuation marks should consistently be carefully observed because they give way for a more fruitful writing pattern. This also enhances how formal your writing will be seen throughout. If you are able to maintain this decent level of formality, it would be better for your text overall.

When discussing the latter parts of your body, I think that you need to create a more enhanced focal point. For example, having a single trait/value/principle that you will utilize throughout the writing will help you appear a lot more integrated and streamlined, which is a critical part of writing regardless of how you look at it.

Undergraduate / How my athletics reflects my determination [3]

@reneemvm
Hi there! Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback is helpful for your writing endeavors. Best of luck in your application!

Remember that small details are critical to writing, especially if you're intending your work to be as formal as possible. For instance, the usage of appropriate punctuation when writing contributes immensely to how technically correct your writing is. You should also be cautious of having run-on sentences. Out of personal preference, these types of essays are better when they utilize more concise sentence structures because it helps minimize the possibility of misinterpretation in the overall flow of the text.

While I appreciate the insertion of mentioning your thoughts regarding the competitiveness of the field, I find that these types of statements can definitely work against you as well. When writing, bear in mind that you're looking at the overall opinions and thoughts that you're promoting throughout - therefore, the assessment is on the basis of the entirety of the text.

The concluding remarks also lack emphasis on values that you are associating with yourself. You merely mentioned that you're responsible enough - however, this wasn't a central message present all throughout your writing. Try to be more consistent to evade being illogical in writing.

Research Papers / Thesis: Sobriety and resources for Pima Woman in Salt River Pima Maricopa Indian Community. [2]

@Stepp29
HI there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach me if you have additional questions in relation to the text.

Firstly, I think that you need to heavily work on ensuring that the text provided would be more elaborate and straightforward. The first parts of the introductory paragraph especially have to be given attention to due to how much you need to establish a thesis statement that will be carried throughout your writing.

I have also observed that your writing is still slightly bit confusing because of the lack of organization in the overall text. If we take a look at the second paragraph to the third, it was quite obvious that you were still filling the text with unnecessary details that are not helpful for the development of the overall thought of the writing.

Remember also that in-text citations should be placed before a punctuation mark (prior to ending the sentence that you had cited). Doing this is the more appropriate approach to writing, especially if you intend to move forward with this formatting.

Writing Feedback / YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF MUSIC [4]

@dxtnnam
Hi! I see that you've been consistently a part of the forum. I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve your writing. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us and ask for more! Good luck in your writing endeavors.

Like what I mentioned previously to you, small details are essential when writing. You can enhance your writing tremendously simply by following conventional rules in writing to make your essay a lot more put-together and standardized. When looking at the first parts of writing, it was clear that you were unable to use the very basics of writing when you were elaborating. Try to always stick with content that is more specific.

Improving the overall tone of language you are using in writing is also critical. For instance, the first part of the essay needed to be hammered down in totality to ensure that your work isn't mistaken as informal. Try to always stick with a logical flow.

As mentioned before, the conclusion also cannot be shortened and made into a small chunk. Conclusions are critical when establishing the final thoughts of your essay, therefore try your best to standardize your writing a lot more.

Writing Feedback / THE BENEFITS OF SHARING HOUSEWORK [2]

@dxtnnam
Hello there! Thanks for being back in the forum. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, be cautious of the small mistakes that you sporadically and typically make in the writing. For example, small details such as capitalization, spacing, and appropriate usage of punctuation marks are all key parts of the writing itself. This means that you should be able to integrate writing techniques that are solidly patterned, making it appear more that you are well-aware of the consequences that come with writing.

In the latter parts of the writing, I think that you should have opted to have a more compartmentalized and prioritized formatting and structure. You jumped immediately from the core parts of the paragraph to your own personal experiences without necessarily giving out a smoother way of transition. This makes your writing weaker in terms of organization because the readers cannot fully tell what they should anticipate from the writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: The main problems of our time is the loss of some plants and animals? [3]

@jungsooyeon
Hello. Thanks for being in the forum! I hope my feedback helps you have insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, I think that you can still improve that introductory paragraph if you focus a lot more on integrating a more cohesive and concise writing pattern. For instance, the first sentence immediately could have been separated into two different sentences that would both be shorter and have their own core thought/value. Implementing this format of writing is better in the long-run for a more sustainable writing pattern.

In the body paragraphs, you could have opted to incorporate more concrete information or examples instead of over-extending the entire definition of the texts themselves. If you do this, you will surely be able to have a more integral writing pattern that does not sacrifice any portion of the text.

Like what I always tell others, do not forget and just leave behind the conclusion. This part of the text is utterly essential for building the final remarks of the message you're trying to relay. Try to always maximize it to have a better and more elaborate attempt in writing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the prevalence of self-driving cars in the future [2]

@hoanglinh65990
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach me for additional questions if you have them. Good luck as well with your IELTS exam!

Firstly, the first paragraph is put-together. I appreciate how straightforward it was - and how you were able to incorporate your personal opinion into the text itself, making it easier to comprehend the rest of the writing.

When tackling the body paragraph, I think that you could have opted for a more streamlined and shortened version of the text. For example, that second paragraph's entire chunk of explanation could have had the excessive language omitted to pave way for a more in-depth conclusion in the text. Doing this sort of balancing act will help your writing not leave out any of the critical details just because of missing out on the word count. Keep this in mind when you are writing.

Graduate / SOP for Thesis-based Masters in Computer Science with Interest in ML/NLP [2]

@nickil21
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope my feedback helps you.

While I appreciate the storytelling at the very introduction, I find that it still lacks that straightforward approach that will tell the readers almost instantaneously what they should anticipate from the rest of the text. Generally speaking, inserting a thesis statement on the very beginning that will briefly glance on the reason why this writing is relevant would help guide readers into reading the entirety of the text.

Furthermore, when you're trying to relay information in relation to your personal experiences in the field, it would be much better to prioritize which pieces of data are actually relevant (and which can be tossed out). Remember that having a more specific approach to writing will benefit you because it will save the readers from having to repeatedly read information that won't even be of contribution to the overall assessment in the end. In line with this, I heavily suggest rereading and revising the second to the fifth paragraph.

Try to also categorize and substantiate with a more organized approach. For instance, the latter parts of the text could have obviously been dealt with in a more structured pattern that follows a time sequence to avoid cluttering the text in its entirety.

Writing Feedback / Letter to apply a training leave in order to complete the pursued diploma [3]

@plforielts
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach and ask again!

Firstly, I think that you can improve the introduction if you had inserted a brief greeting before you mention what the intention of writing is. Doing this will certainly positively affect your essay because you will follow more of the formal conventions of writing these types of letters.

Try to also ensure that you have more clarity in your writing. For example, if we take a look at the second paragraph's second sentence, you could have divided this into two separate portions to ensure that you are delivering with more ease.

Remember that having a more straightforward approach to writing will always be preferred, especially when you're working with shorter word counts.

Writing Feedback / Scientific research should be done by the governments rather than private entrepreneurs [3]

@quan0904208135
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback becomes helpful to you for your long-term endeavors. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have more questions!

Generally, I don't see anything that is wrong with your manner of writing. I do think, however, that you need to work more on the overall flow of writing, especially when it comes to logical coherence. If we take a look at your first paragraph, for instance, it appears as though the transition from the thesis statement to your personal opinion doesn't mesh well in its entirety. Try to relay your thoughts into a simpler and more concise sentence rather than placing everything onto the table sporadically as you did.

With regards the content of the body paragraphs, I recommend trimming down the unnecessary parts of the body. For example, you could have opted to create a shorter and more concise formatting than the second paragraph. As you were unable to do this, I find that the writing itself was rather lacking in that department. Stick with simpler and more compact sentences, especially when trying to introduce a new thought idea into the cluster of sentences.

The conclusion also needs to be enhanced/worked on. Try to be more explicit and specific with what you mean by "equal" in this regard to make it clearer to the readers what the meaning of the writing is.

Research Papers / Social Media correlation with Anxiety and Depression [2]

@kcohen
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how improve your writing. I apologize for the delayed response, but still hope that you get to this somehow!

Firstly, what type of citation formatting are you using? After determining this, I heavily suggest that you try to stick with a more appropriate usage of the citation. Remember also that the citation has to be included in the last parts of the sentence before the punctuation mark. The only instance (regardless of what type of citation you are using) that you should be incorporating it in the first parts is if you are doing something similar to this: "According to [author's name] ([year of publication] [...]"

I have also observed that you struggle a little bit when it comes to sentence composition because you have quite a number of run-on sentences. Try to stick with shorter and more concise formatting because this will help you elaborate with more ease.

Writing Feedback / Elderly or the younger workers - which are more useful for an employer? IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

@dunganh
Hi! I'll be responsible for checking your writing and giving feedback.

Your first paragraph should be solely dedicated to immediately answering what is required from you. However, before straightly jumping into this, it is highly recommended that you give at least a sentence or two of a background that will relay why this part of the text has to be given attention to.

In the latter parts of the text, I heavily recommend that you try to cut down the amount of phrases that you try to include in one sentence. For instance, the second paragraph's last sentence appears to be rather twisted in that regard. Be more specific with what is being demanded from you in this part of the text.

The conclusion also needs to be worked on. It doesn't necessarily give a staggering reason as to why the younger ones are better candidates for work. You should have been able to formulate a more substantive conclusion, rather than giving out a flimsy one-liner on why this is a critical part of the writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 What is your opinion about the curfew imposed to the youth in some areas in US? [3]

@CocoMo
Hi there. Thanks also for reaching out to us! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

I don't necessarily have issues with the content of the writing. What I think that you should work on most is the usage of appropriate punctuation and capitalization throughout the writing. Noticeably, from the very first paragraph, it appears like the text itself is clustered with inappropriate transitions. The first paragraph's first sentence is just one run-on that should be cut down into different parts of text.

Furthermore, when you were relaying the base information for your body paragraphs, I have noticed that you struggled a bit in transitioning from point A to point B. I heavily suggest that you review again what you should incorporate in your writing to cultivate for a more enhanced writing approach that'll help you with the rest of the text.

Conclusion should also be divided into three different sentences from what I can tell. Be more concise, and use appropriate transitions throughout.

Writing Feedback / Student choices - (IELTS) Discuss if university should be compulsory to everyone [2]

@juliah7284
Hi there! Welcome here. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us again should you have more questions.

Firstly, that first paragraph is great. I think that the straightforward approach to writing certainly helps in giving the readers a briefing on what to anticipate with the rest of the text.

What I do think can be improved would be the usage of a more appropriate length for the rest of the writing. If we take a look at your second paragraph, the part where you start giving out examples on the writing, I think that you should have stuck with keeping the sentences short and sweet - this will certainly help in no longer dragging around the rest of your writing.

The latter parts of the writing should also be treated with the same regard. Noticeably, the third paragraph needs to be more put-together. Try your best to always keep writing about what is necessary, and stay away from adding details that are inessential and unnecessary for the text's substantiation.

Scholarship / Vistec International Students Scholarship to Study MSc Materials Science and Engineering in Thailand [3]

@Nnabodo Darlingt
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope my feedback helps you. Best of luck in your application to Thailand!

Firstly, while I appreciate the straightforward introduction, it appears to be slightly lost in the swarm of text found in your last paragraphs. What I suggest is merging that first sentence with the rest of the text in the first (official) paragraph. This will be a better and more clear-cut approach to writing.

Aside from that, I also think that it would help you if you can prioritize which information you actually need. Assuming that they're going to ask you to submit a CV alongside the reset of the text, I think that you should focus more on one particular event/success that you have. From then onward, you can proceed to expounding the rest of the text.

The conclusion should also be improved by trying to be more specific and technical with the direction of your writing. Doing this will certainly help you for the longevity of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Causes and Solutions to Air Pollution (IELTS Writing Task 2) [3]

@rose427
Hi. Welcome to the forum! Good luck with your IELTS tasks; I hope this feedback helps you.

While I appreciate the straightforward and shortened approach to the introductory paragraph, I find that it lacks briefing the readers on what to anticipate. Here, you should also incorporate what the core attributes of your writing will be. Put down here as well a single core value that you believe will be the cornerstone of the rest of your writing.

Tackling the body paragraphs themselves, try to be more specific with what you need in the written text.

The conclusion should also be given more attention than this. What you can do is to omit the usage of repetitive sentences when explaining (ie. take a look at the third sentence of your third paragraph). This will give you more space to discuss things that are actually important for the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Working at a consulting company - UBC Personal Profile - Activity [3]

@agupta
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site for help! I'll be the contributor to give feedback on your writing.

First and foremost, the first paragraph needs to have more value and weight when it comes to relaying why you need to be writing this essay. This should certainly be a briefing on what the two activities that they're looking for are. If you are able to smoothly and simply relay this, it will enhance the writing because you'll have more interconnected details that'll be a bolder proclamation of your writing.

The last paragraph also doesn't appear to be a concluding remark that ties everything altogether. Rather, you chose to introduce another key event of your writing. Try to be more specific when you're trying to explain - this will go a long way. The last paragraph should be dedicated to (a) summarizing what you just said and (b) giving out final thoughts on what you think should be the essay's grand purpose. Stick with this - and don't add more than what is necessary.

Writing Feedback / Kids have problems to concentrate at study in school. Why? What can be done? [2]

@Bennytruong
Welcome to the forum! This is my feedback for this writing of yours.

Try to read up again on the usage of appropriate punctuation in your writing. If we take a look at your first paragraph, it is noticeable how you needed to incorporate a more solidified transition throughout your writing because it appears to be rather bland as of what you have now.

Furthermore, when you're trying to expound on key details of writing, it would be much better if you incorporated a different writing approach wherein you focus a lot more on enhancing the depth of writing rather than trying to escalate the writing by over-explaining. You had done this in your second paragraph's first point. A concrete example would be an analysis that is based on observation, rather than one that is merely telling what will happen. Appearing to have a more scientific basis to your core opinions will certainly boost your writing a lot more.

Your writing also appears to be a tad bit repetitive. If we take a look at your third paragraph's last sentences, the way that you transitioned from point A to point B doesn't have that much of a value and weight to them. Use a different transition method next time around to ensure you aren't writing without a purpose.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile - Cupcakes [2]

@ieahat
Hi! Thanks for coming to the forum. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, formality is critical when you are writing. Bear in mind that you have to be consistent when you write because you need to incorporate the right amount of appropriateness in your essay. For instance, from the get-go, the first paragraph needs to be made more academic in terms of the articulation. If we read up on what you have now, it's quite obvious how the usage of that many quotations in one go doesn't necessarily add depth to the writing; it also doesn't enhance the writing's entirety.

Try to also merge the paragraph after the quotations and the one after it. By doing this, you will appear to have a more substantiated and weighty writing that doesn't stray far away from what is required from your writing.

Graduate / Academic Statement for PhD Biomedical Engineering! Previous study experiences. [2]

@AGeek
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I wish you the best of luck in your application. This will be my feedback for your writing.

First and foremost, the first part of the essay is quite alright. I think that what you could have done, however, was to try and insert all of the critical details into the first sentences. I have noticed that you didn't introduce your desired program until the second paragraph. The relaying of information becomes a bit cluttered because of this. Try to move the second paragraph into the first to create a more cohesive essay that'll be more consistent with what you're desiring.

The latter parts of the writing need to be put into proper context as well. If we take a look at the part where you start tackling about your motivation, it appears that you didn't have an organized approach to writing. You jumped from talking about the degree itself and then onto giving out your future goals in relation to the program. I think having a timeline-based sequence to writing would give you the ample amount of time to write without stressing with the writing.