Writing Feedback / There was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of English teachers in Ontario [2]

Hi Mardian,

Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful.

... about the percentage of english and frenchEnglish and French first-year teachers from 2001 to 2007...
... trend in the percentage of englishEnglish teachers, but the number of frenchFrench teachers increased slightly.
And thenThen, the percentage of french teachers dominatesFrench teachers (...) dominated the trendover a six-yearin the end of the period.

As you can see, your essay suffered from punctuation and capitalization problems. It might look simple but punctuation and capitalization also one of the essential criteria in IELTS band descriptors from IELTS.org. I hope you can learn from your mistake and compose a better essay next time. Good luck :)

Letters / My house is bigger than before after the renovation. UNIPDU FTD- LETTERS TO ENI [2]

I assume that this letter needs major revision, especially with the letter format, grammar, and punctuations. Therefore, I would like to rewrite and rephrase some of the sentences in this letter. I hope you can learn something by paying a close attention to this revision.

Jombang, 20 October 2016
To:
Eni Dwi
JL.Manggis,
Mojowarno JOMBANG

Assalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Dear My Friend Eni Dwi,

Hello Eni! How are you? I hope you are okay. It has been long time since the last we met each other. I do really miss you. In this letter, I am going to tell you about my new house. My house is bigger than before after the renovation. I can plant various kinds of fruit and vegetables in my garden. Part of my terrace become wider and I put a chair there to relax. The living room is now really neat and it has TV to make me comfortable watching with my entire family. The wall in my room has been permanently painted in order to look cleaner. You know what? I also have a kitchen set for cooking. Actually, I still have some many things that I want to tell you. I hope you can read this letter and reply it soon. If you have spare time, I really hope that you can visit my house. I am waiting for your response and please tell me about your place.

Wassalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Your Friend,
Fera Firina

Letters / UNIPDU FT D-Letters to Mifta; I have moved into a new house [2]

Hi Uvi, Welcome to EssayForum :)

Due to lots of grammatical issues that need to be addressed, I reckon that it is better to rework your letter. I hope this would be a helpful feedback.

Jombang, 26 October 2016

Mifta (Complete Name)
Ploso Geneng, Jombang

Dear my Best Friend Mifta,

Hello Mifta! How are you? I hope you are okay. You know what? Recently, I have moved into a new house. It is located in Sumbersari, Megaluh, Jombang. I want to tell you about my new house.

Actually, this is not my own house, but it is one of the official residences. This is because my father works at SDN Sumbersari Megaluh Jombang. My house consists of living room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. My favourite room is my bedroom. I often spend a lot of time by watching TV, studying, playing game, and sleeping. My house is located in a clean and beautiful neighbourhood. Also, it is quite shady because there are many trees in around my house and my neighbourhood. This condition makes me feel fresh all day. I am really happy because my neighbours are so kind and friendly.

"Picture of my House.JPG"

That is a picture of my house. Even though it is a temporary house, I feel comfortable here. If you have time, do not forget to visit my house. I miss you my friend.

Yours Sincerely,
Uvi

Scholarship / Working as environmental researcher at nature conservation sector. Career plan Chevening scholarship [2]

Hi Mostafa,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to my feedback, my suggestion is that you can give at least one space / one enter for each paragraph. This would ease us in reading and checking your essay. Next, I would like to give several inputs related to the development of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- My immediate plan upon completioncompletingof the Chevening awardmy study and returning to Egypt is that I have a tendency to continuegoing to continue my work as an environmental researcher at nature conservation sector, Egyptian environmental affair agency. (stop here, new sentence)

- In this place,where I willam going to put all my new abilities to... (don't you realize that this is a sentence and not even close to a paragraph? Please avoid making long-but-inaccurate-and-ineffective sentence like this. You can just write 2 or 3 clauses per sentence.)

2nd paragraph:
- ... that the experience that I willam going to definitely gain from my postgraduatemaster's degree in the UK (...) my analysis. andIn addition, it is also possible for me to discover new nano-structured materials in detecting environmental pollution detection , monitoring, and remediation. (another long-and-complicated sentence)

- Hence, the Chevening award is keeping me away from my peers as a highly energetic man... (I am quite confused about what you mean in this sentence)

Another general suggestions for the betterment of this essay is that:
- Avoid using contractions like i'm, can't, or many more. This can make the essay less-formal.
- Write a paragraph that consists of at least 3 sentences. Your words count are still far away from the maximum. You can still add approximately 150 words.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Improving public health by providing affordable medicine as well as hospital for everyone [2]

Hi Amril,
Let me just rushing to my feedback. Hope this helps :)

1st paragraph:
- Improving public health by risingraising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by manysome people (Some and many are different. Avoid over-generalizing)(comma is unnecessary if the connector is between two clauses (except contrast connectors)) while others assume it does not havegive significant effectimpact on public health and therefore, needs other solutions.

- ... one's health. (using semicolon is okay, but it is not suggested. It is suggested to be separated into a new sentence)However, I firmly believe with another solution, such asthat by building more hospitals, it can help people with low financial condition to increase their health condition and make healthcare facilities affordable for them in order to improve public health.which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.

Apart from the above-mentioned feedback and after reading the whole essay, I reckon that your discussion wasn't about both views. It is indeed you were talking about sport facilities, but you've forgotten the keywords for this topic i.e. "increasing the sport facilities". In the first BODY paragraph, it is unfortunate that you have written "different" focus. You explained about the benefits of sport facilities, but not the "increasing sport facilities" part. For instance, you can just write

Increasing the number of sport facilities is the best solution to improve public health. This is because if the number of sport amenities develop, so does healthy people. For example, Jakarta has 400 kinds of fitness centers which can be used by approximately more than 5000 people. As a result, the number of healthy people is growing in line with the growth of the sport facilities itself.

Because you only addressed half part of the task, I think it is still difficult for this essay to reach 6 or above dude. Keep practicing!!

Letters / UNIPDU FT-D A letter to Wakid; I heard you are working in Tanggerang [4]

Hi Ersa,
Welcome to EF! :)

I have reworked your letter and done some alterations to help you. I hope this can be helpful towards your future practices later on. Avoid repetitiveness by using some synonyms like what I've done.

Jombang, 26 October 2016

Dear Nur Wakid
Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb

Hey Wakid, I heard you are working in Tangerang. I hope you have time to read and reply my letter. I also hope that you are healthy as well.

After graduating from my vocational high school, I decided to continue to study at UNIPDU Jombang. I still live in my parents' house. It is in a small village, so I feel comfortable with the environment. My house is not that big, but also not that small. I have a small backyard there which I usually use that place to raise my rabbits. Fortunately, there is a huge field in front of my house, so I can see spectacular scenery in the morning. I am waiting for you here to play together with me. Please tell me how the condition of your environment is. Also, send my regards to your friends in Tangerang.

Wassalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Best Wishes,
Ersa

Letters / Unipdu FT D-Letter to Deni - missing the rustic atmosphere [3]

Hi Deni,
Welcome to EF Team :)

Let me help you with this draft by reworking your letter. I hope this would be helpful.

Jombang, 27 October 2016

Dear
Deni Dwi Pujiantoro

Assalamua'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Hi mate! I would like to say thank you very much for sending me your letter. I was really happy to read it. I am very well here. How about you? I am going to visit your home soon. I cannot wait for the upcoming school holidays.

As you know, I also miss the friendly atmosphere that you mentioned in your letter. This is because I am sick of seeing many buildings and vehicles which make the environment so crowded. You know that I live in the city which is totally different from your place in the countryside. The weather here is hot and polluted because of the huge number of vehicles passing around my street.

In my place, there are no yards or backyards that can be used to play around because there is only a highway in front of my house. This makes me get used to the polluted atmosphere of vehicles. Therefore, this is the reason why I missed the rural life where there are many trees and cool weather like in your place.

Wa'alaikumsalam Wr. Wb.

Your Best Friend,
Deni Stiawan

Graduate / MSc. Electrical/Electronic Engineering with specialization in Smart Grid Science and Technology; SOP [2]

Hi Woenagnon,
Welcome to EssayForum Team! :)

We are here to help you reaching the best draft for submission purpose, especially Statement of Purpose. Thus, I would like to focus on giving my feedback towards each part of your grammatical and content issues. I hope this would be helpful.

PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL GROWTH
- Mind the title with the sentences that you have written in this essay. Think about it, is that what you call a personal/professional growth? You did summarize all the professional growth into a single sentence. This would not make an adequate paragraph for this prompt. At least you can make a paragraph that consist of three sentences and not a single long-but-confusing sentence like this.

Let me just reworked this issue. I hope it is still a helpful feedback.

I do believe that I am destined as an engineer. Since high school, I had studied at technical school for about one and a half decade. After completing my study at this school, I had devoted myself to work as an electrical engineer in Ghana and pursued my undergraduate degree in Electronics in the Regional Maritime University for about six years. This makes me think that it is necessary to broaden in depth knowledge and enthusiasm to overcome the power outages problem inside the industry.

Therefore, I have a strong commitment to apply for MSc. Electrical/Electronic Engineering with specialization in Smart Grid Science and Technology. This is because it is going to be perfectly correlated with my life goals for the sake of my professional development as an Engineer.

(My time signals of explanation are just examples because I have no idea about yours. Change the time signal/line according to your needs)

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / How I was bullied and how I stood up to myself [2]

Hi Alex, welcome to EF Team :)

Honestly, I am confused by the whole essay that you have written. Your grammar is somehow still acceptable, but when it comes to the content, I keep asking myself "what does this writer mean? Did he bully himself? How come?" As I know, when you "get bullied ", this means other people/persons treat you badly or inappropriately. It can be in terms of mental or physical acts such as mocking, insulting, or even punching/torturing. How can a person bullies him/herself? This is the question that comes to my mind when I read your essay. Can you please clarify or re-explain about what you are talking about or perhaps tell me in a simple way possible? I hope after reading your explanation I would be able to fully understand about what you have written in this essay. Therefore, I would be able to give my feedback for the betterment of your essay later on. You can just answer my question below this message. :)

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: Leadership, networking skills, University courses and Career plan. [5]

Hi Alfredo,
Welcome to EF Team! :)

In this forum, you are allowed to post only one essay in a single thread. Posting multiple essays like this would not be appropriate. Thus, I would like to focus only on the first essay in this post. I hope you can follow through.

- First, I think that for the leadership and influence question, you have surpassed the words limit. This indicates that you cannot follow a simple instruction that is given by Chevening. Also, I think that while registering online, you cannot write more than 500 words. The system would not let you do that. Therefore, my first suggestion is to compress or summarize this essay into an appropriate words count.

- Second, sorry to say that your paragraphing is quite messy and scrambled. Some of them are quite long and some of them are really short. You can just at least give one space / one enter to indicate that the spaces between each paragraph. This would help the reader to find out the correct paragraph structure of your essay.

- Lastly, if you want to create a catchy hook, try to combine them inside the introduction paragraph. Making hook separated like what you've done will only damage the coherence and cohesion flow of your essay.

As you can see Alfredo, I have given my insights related to your essay. Let me know if you need further assistance. You can just post the revision below my feedback instead of posting it as a new thread. Good luck for that :)

Undergraduate / I'm from Long An, a province in the south of Vietnam. Help me with my hometown. Very grateful. [2]

Hi Ngocuyen,

Let me just reworked what you have written. Please take a look.

I come from Long An. It is a province in southern part of Vietnam. As far as I remember, it is located at approximately 60km away from city centre. In my hometown, people live very close together. This makes them very friendly and helpful. My hometown has a low crime rate compared with Ho Chi Minh City. Everyone in my hometown plants rice and feeds livestock. Then, they sell them for living. Also, the main reason why I really love my hometown is that it has spectacular landscape and so peaceful. Now, I live in Ho Chi Minh City for studying and working. Whenever I feel stress, I just want to come back to my hometown to refresh my mind. I have a tendency to go home after completing my undergraduate/postgraduate/doctoral degree. This is because I have a strong commitment to contribute my knowledge for the place where I was born and grown.

I did omit all the contractions and paraphrase some sentences. Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / Essay: people I might live with [4]

Eugene,

I might say that in the first paragraph you can just switch the usage of second person to third person. I assume that you are not supposed to give suggestion to anyone, especially the reader. You just need to mention the reason behind "the people I might live / I prefer to live with..". Therefore, general view of third person is needed rather than second person of "you".

Here's the example:
- If you a person have decidedhave to decide to live with someone, youhe or she must carefully think about all pros and consthe possibilities of living together.

My second suggestion might refers to the usage of contractions. You have used some contractions in which it is not appropriate for this type of task. Contractions would only make the essay becomes less-formal. Thus, you can alter them. For instance, you can just change "can't" to "cannot", and many more.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Some people now are used to work apart from their office due to the internet-based technology [2]

1st paragraph:
- Recently, it is generally known that some people now are used todo their works far away from their officeapart from their office due to the ease given by internet-based technologytechnologies such as tablet, smart phone, and laptop.

- ... it may lead to reduce the amountnumber of air pollution.
- From my point of view, these mentioned advantages should outweigh the tendency to get bored of working alone.

2nd paragraph:
- Lots of evidences of high-level congestion in common big cities (big cities are already "common". Mentioning common would be redundant)have lead people to...

- Some research conducted proven that(I prefer not to write any research if it is unclear. What kind of research? who is the researcher?)Thisthe terrible traffic jam can make the drivers and passengers suffer bad level offrom stress.

- For this reason, working inat home with sakeby the help of internet connection should...
- Once againIn addition , companies which utilize advanced technology in their daily operationsmaymight help the world to reduce the bad effect of greenhouse gasses emitted .

Hope this helps Eka :)

Writing Feedback / Electronic inventions bring a negative effect on our health. Agree or disagree? [2]

Hi Tuyet,

I think that you need to write the prompt of this essay. This would ease us in reading and checking your essay whether you have successfully answered the prompt properly or not. Aside from that, I would still want to help you in this essay by focusing on grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
... and television make people motionless to do some exercisestend to live a sedentary lifestyle . soThus,it is resulted intomore sicknesses andthis makes various types of diseases are currently growing . (I have no idea why did you wrote (...) three dots in this sentence. I think that it ruined the structure of this sentence itself and the meaning is quite confusing because of this)

- However, I think it depends on the behavior of each person because ...I disagree with the statement above because I think it depends....(if you want to get a high score, stating your position clearly would do)

4th paragraph:
- In this paragraph, you are suggested to re-state your position clearly. You cannot reach band 6 or above if you write an unclear conclusion. (I assume that this is an IELTS writing task 2. If this is different type of essay, unclear conclusion still become a problem anyway)

Hope this helps :)

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [4]

Hi Aysha,

In my opinion, there are some unnecessary information that you can omit in order to fulfill the minimum words count of 500 words. However, these are just my thoughts, it is still your rights to decide which part of your essay that should be deleted.

First, I think that explaining two categories of medical students is one of the unnecessary information. Why don't you just come up with the idea that you are a type of student who determines your specialization in the very end of your university period?

Second, this paragraph "As dermatology is a fast growing field of....regions, like Chandigarh, Mumbai, Chennai, Delhi etc." contains information that has already existed in the recent news. Why bother to write it here? Omitting this paragraph would make your essay consist of approximately 566 words.

Lastly, "I believe I belonged to the second category, and didn't really have my mind set on one particular organ. My interest in Dermatology started in 5th year of medical school when I studied the Skin module in great length and learned about their associated diseases and treatments. ..... Living and working in my home country has only encouraged me to per sue my specialization." these two paragraphs can be summarized by taking the most important parts only.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The kind of trouble that society usually have after moving overseas [4]

Hi Nuraini,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to my feedback, I would like to suggest that you should give at least one space (one enter) for each paragraph for the next post. This can ease us in completely reading and checking your essay. Anyway, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that in this paragraph you over-generalized the word "ages". It can convey different meaning. You should specify it clearly by mentioning "age groups, three different age groups, three distinctive age groups, three types of age groups, or many more". IELTS candidates often make this kind of mistake and this can possibly drag your band score down in terms of Lexical Resource.

2nd paragraph:
- For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem. (where's the data?)
- A problem experienced by just 34 percent. (who did experience this problem? if you think that this is related to the previous sentence, I suggest you can just combine rather than separate it.)

- Society with age 35-54 choose(problem is something that people "face/encounter/find" not "choose". Did you choose to get some problems? No right?) money as the second problem although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent. (besides, this sentence is quite confusing. avoid creating long-and-complicated sentences if you are not really sure about the meaning/structure)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The causes and some possible solutions to overcome traffic congestion [3]

Hi Amril,

Let me sum up several things that you need to consider in order to improve your band score. I hope this would be helpful towards your writing skill development.

- You still have problems in spelling, try to reduce it or eliminate it if possible. This is one of the essential indicators to reach band 6 or above.

- Your introduction paragraph seems too bulky. Try to sum up the information by using this simple-but-effective structure that I got from IELTSadvantage.com as follows:

Introduction
Sentence 1- Paraphrase question
Sentence 2- Outline sentence (say what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)

Problem
Sentence 3- State problem
Sentence 4- Explain what problem is
Sentence 5- What is the result of this problem
Sentence 6- Example

Solution
Sentence 7- State solution
Sentence 8- Explain how solution will solve problem
Sentence 9- Example

Conclusion
Sentence 10- Summary of main points in paragraphs 2 and 3
Sentence 11- Prediction or recommendation

If you are worried this type of structure cannot possibly reach 250 words, you are definitely wrong. I had some experience in writing by using this type of structure and I could reach more than 250 words. My suggestion is that it is better to write only one problem and one solution than more than that. Writing more than one problem and one solution would be time-consuming and you won't be able to catch up the time for task 1. One problem and one solution can also be a powerful weapon to explain everything clearly.

Hope this helps mate! :)

Writing Feedback / Being abroad people become most concerned to all life problems [2]

Hi Sari,
Welcome to EF Team! :)

I would like to share my insights towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart provides the information ofabout the difficulties people face when stay inliving abroad based on ages.certain age groups.
- Overall, it can be seen that the highest problemsproblemof thethat people encounter includes economic plans , healthcare and education plans for childrenhave beenis occurred on the young adults periods.age group.

- WhereasMeanwhile, the most crucial problem such as education plans have beenis the least problem to people inaged 55 years old and above.

By correcting your 1st paragraph, I think that it has already covered the whole feedback because your mistakes are quite similar. Try to proofread the rest of your essay and consider the above-mentioned feedback that I have given to you. I hope this would be helpful for your future practices :)

Book Reports / Treasure in Beowulf - Assignment-Beowulf-8-10 Pages in MLA form [2]

Hi Harriman, welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to the feedback, I can see that this essay is quite long. You have written in the title that this essay consist of 8-10 pages. However, when I copy and paste this essay to Ms Word, it only consists of 5 pages. Thus, it seems pretty clear that this essay hasn't adequately fulfilled the prompt given yet. My suggestion is that you can elaborate some important details that can possibly add the number of words count. Here's the detailed descriptions of my feedback.

- ... by obtaining treasure for the himself and the Geats.
- ... his tribe to great wealth. (period. New sentence)Thus, his people honored ...

Despite minor errors above, I can see that this is a well-developed and well-written essay. You have already explained, and defined clearly what the prompt wants despite the fact that you need more elaboration, especially in some parts that are too short. For example, it can be in the form of short paragraph, or long paragraph. Also, giving at least one space for each poem is really suggested because it can minimize ambiguity and wrong perception about what the readers read.

I hope this insight can be valuable for the development of your book reports. :)

Writing Feedback / The production of energy from coal in Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France [2]

Hi Amril, long time no see :D

Sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. It is nice to see you practicing in this forum again after quite a long break. However, I would like to directly come up with my feedback related to your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, the main fact that stands out.. (cohesive device can possibly improve your score)
- I think that this paragraph is still incomplete. You need to remember that you have to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

> The graph gives... (1st sentence)
> Overall, the main fact... (2nd sentence)
> Moreover,... (3rd sentence)(you can add more general overview in this sentence, but not too detail)

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with, Denmark and Germany...
- ...both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to underbelow 20%
- However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to finish around 18%, while Denmark finished at 10%, the lowest of that year. (I am not sure that "finish" is the appropriate diction to indicate that it was the last period/last year. Why don't you just mention "in the end of the year" or something similar like that?)

3rd paragraph:
- Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

> On the other hand,... (1st sentence)
> Over the following years,... (2nd sentence)
> It leveled off... (3rd sentence)

Hope this helps mate!
Practice makes perfect! :)

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares three types of difficulties that people have when they move to a new country [3]

Hi Ilham,

Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. Hope this helps :)

1st paragraph:
- The bar graphchart compares three selectedtypes of difficulties that people have when (...) in accordance with age.among three distinctive age groups.
- ...healthcare is the main problem from people aged over 35 (comma is unnecessary) while the problem (...) is the least difficultiesdifficult for all agesage groups . (avoid over-generalizing the data that you've explained.)

2nd paragraph:
- The young adults have the most crucial problem with their finances, at approximately 34% . (no spaces needed when you write a percentage symbol)
- AndIn addition,the least in finding their children the best study.the least percentage comes from people who has problem in finding schools for their children.(Avoid using "and" in the beginning of the sentence. This would make your sentence becomes less formal.)

There you have it Ilham, you are suggested maintain the content of each of your paragraph to be as balanced as possible. You can group the information equally in order to improve the clarity of your essay. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

Hi Pramudiana,

At first glance, I can notice that your essay has some issues related to fragmented sentences, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation problems. This can be avoided in the next practice by considering the feedback below. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The proportion of thevarious kind of problems that happen for citizens experience who move to overseas livewhile living in overseas based on the age group is provided bydepicted in the bar chartgraph.

- Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age peoplepeople in the middle age group are the problematical personsthe group that has the highest frequency of problems among two other age groups.

- WhileMeanwhile , all of the people tend to feel that it is easy to getfind the appropriate school for their sons and daughters.

2nd paragraph:
- Turning to a more detailed analysis,s orting out finances is the biggest problems for people in the middle age grouppeople .
- (mind the CAPITALIZATION. It might look simple but it is included as one of the essential marking criteria)Meanwhile , avoiding this problem is easier for the older people rather than young people.the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / People's problems with integration in a new place (eg. finding schools for children) [4]

Hi Meireza,

Here's my analysis of your report summary. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- A comparison of the information about the percentage of various kind of difficulties for people (...) according to people's agesthree different age groups is shown in thisthe bar chart.

- Overall, it can be seen that persons in middle age group have the most problematic problem in a new country (...) percentage of problem than others for all agedother age groups .

Meireza, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A comparison of the information... (1st sentence)
Overall, it can be seen that... (2nd sentence)
Meanwhile, finding schools for... (3rd sentence)

As you can see, the third paragraph of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. Therefore, avoiding this mistake in the next practice would be beneficial towards the development of your writing later on.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Older generation has bigger integration issues connected with living abroad [2]

Hi Septia,

I would like to share my insights related to your report summary in the detailed descriptions below. Hopefully, this would be helpful towards the development of your IELTS writing skill later on.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart gives(if you want to reach a high score, do not use a B1 word)reveals the information about kind ofvarious types of difficulties for some people when they live overseas according to thethree different age groups .

- ... is experienced by the middle age group for all (...) and the percentage of people's problem inenrolling children for schoollook for schools for kids trouble is always in the last. ("always" is unnecessary because it wasn't a habitual action.)

- ...thechoosing healthcare facilitiesarrangement is always in the top rank (...) elderly age groups .

2nd paragraph:
- ... aged 35 to 54 is picking the right healthcare facilitiesarrangementaroundat approximately 38%.
- ...people aged between 18 and 54 have muchgreater difficulty in (...) more than a third percent . (read in the book again, a third, a quarter, two third, and many more are written without "percent".)

There you have it Septia, I hope you can follow the above-mentioned feedback and gain some improvements in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Middle aged people have the highest problem over all activities in a new living place [5]

Hi Mardian,

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart shows the information about (...) according to thethree different age groups.
- ... highest problem over all activities while the lowest problem is searching school for their children.and searching school for their children is the lowest problems.

- Besides thatMoreover , finding healthcare has the highest percentage ranging from middle age to older age group .

Wait, are you sure that this is the correct diagram? I am sure that there are three variables there. Those are "Making friends" , "finding somewhere to live" , and "learning the local language" . However, your variables are "searching school for children" , "getting finances" , and "how to get healthcare" . Your data do not even close to the data given in the chart. I suggest you to re-upload the picture or just simply post a revision below this thread instead of creating a new one to avoid suspension.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The figure displays kinds of problems that are faced by people when they stay overseas [2]

Hi Faiz,

The detailed descriptions below are my contribution towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful towards the next essay practice later on.

1st paragraph:
- The figure displays kinds of problems that isare faced by people when they stay overseas. (period. new sentence) whichIt is illustrated by usingin the bar charts according to thethree different age groupsranging from 18 to over 55 years old.(this sentence can be separated into two sentences)

- Overall, it can be seen that while the middle-age group has the highest percentage (...) for pupil is the less-problemleast problem compared with othersother age groups .

Despite this corrections, I can see that your paragraphing hasn't adequately covered all the information given since you only wrote 2 sentences for each paragraph. Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Therefore, I hope you can minimize / reduce the mistake in the next practice by considering all the above-mentioned feedback above. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Many people, especially children, tend to have an unhealthy habit [4]

Hi Ilham,

Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- I can notice that in this paragraph you have successfully delivered your argument clearly. Plus, there is no serious grammatical issues. Good job for this paragraph

2nd paragraph:
- ...can easily influenceenjoy, have | look after, maintain | improve | promote | recover, regain | nurse sb back to | damage, harm, ruin, undermine | risk(this is the list of verbs that can be collocated with health because health is not something that can be influenced) their kids to be more healthy / healthier(without more) .

- Also, they have the most timemost of their time with their children (...) teach them how to live better.(unclear statement, what do you mean by "live better"? it seems quite ambiguous.)

- ...my mother always made me healthy foodcooked a healthy food for me before...
- Also(repetitive)Furthermore , my father got me toused to take a walk with me every weekend for about 500 metersin length . ("meter" is already indicated the length, stating "length" would be redundant)

- In accordance with the recent study,(in my opinion, it is better to choose one of the examples that you've provided. Giving an example about yourself is already adequate. Instead of adding "recent study", you can write "the implication" of your example.)

As you can see Ilham, I did focus on the first and the second paragraph of your essay. I left the third and the last paragraph to be proofread by anyone in this forum. Good luck for the next essay practice :)

Writing Feedback / Draw your future and control your life - TEDx [2]

Bambang, the way you express your idea in the above writing is good and well-written. The flow of the ideas is closely related with each other as well. One thing that i would like to remind you is to be careful with using punctuation mark. There are some misuses of punctuation mark in the above essay as follows:

- Speaker of TED talked,that not only active (...) the good dream, but also solitary as well.
- ... what the aims of they do,and only approximately 40% of people who know about the purpose of their life.
- The speaker said, decided the best ways You should try to create your own vision with pictures to decide which way is the best to you,. This because picture can be creating movement, not only that but also the picture canencourage people to do something and touch your heart.

- For illustratesexamples ,...

In addition, please pay attention to the capitalization as well. The first letter in the name of people should be capitalized. This may look a minor problem but this can greatly affect one's writing, especially leaving certain impressions for the readers. Good luck with your next practice!

Writing Feedback / How Wild Animals Are Hacking Life in the City [4]

Welcome to the EssayForum, Oktoberlin! Here on EF, you can ask for help and get some insights regarding essay writing. On top of that, you can also share your knowledge to other members as you did previously. I hope you keep up this good work because you will get more by sharing.

Now let's have a closer look on your essay. Firstly, I can say that the above essay is well-written. You are able to deliver your ideas orderly and clearly. Still, I suggest you not to use contraction often considering this can be considered as academic writing. This may lead someone to keep using contraction during writing and thus make the writing looks informal. Furthermore, there are several notes as I mentioned as follows:

- Thirdly, the food determines how the ants live for longer or reproduce while...
- ThatThese three aforementioned examples can show about theirthe ability of different animals to evolve as they ...
- Unfortunately, urbanization is not suitable for someas well as animals behave , even though animals are ...
- Experts said that it's time to make them as one of usconsider animal as important as the human being , as citieswhere is filledby creating a habitant with these wild animals live thereare just good places to be .

Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / Young people have to move to cities to get a good job. [4]

Hello and welcome to the big family of EssayForum, a big forum to share and discuss everything about writing. Here on EF, all members can contribute and help each other by commenting on their posting, but be careful to not give a meaningless feedback. Now let's have a closer look on your essay. Here are several inputs from me:

- ... in the city where has more benifitsbenefits .
- However, there are several advantages...
- People who live in small villages where everyone knows everyone elseare usually knowing each other , they usually garthergather to talk together.
- However, I think there are many of the disvantagessome drawbacks on living in a village.

You know how to deliver your ideas in your writing which is good, but you need to pay attention to the vocabularies that you use. In this case, there are some words which are repeated in almost every sentence; for example the word "Also". There are several ways to overcoming this issue such as synonym substitution or using transition words. Also, the more you read, the more you will know. Spend more time on reading and you can gain more insights regarding writing and its mechanic. Keep practicing and keep writing. Best regards

Writing Feedback / The logging industry provides a huge number of raw materials for producing many useful products [3]

Hello Asma, you have a good summary there! Several things that I like the most are how you put the transitional phrases properly, and also the ideas are written cohesively. To enhance your writing further, the following are several notes on your summary. I hope you can follow it through.

- ...many products which isare really useful for people.
- On the contrary, undeniably, this activity undeniabl y has several negative impacts ...
- ... ecosystem will disappear, in which their habitats...
- Trees protect the pollution to the air naturally and get rid of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere when ...
- ... causes abnormal rain cycles, flooding and dryness.

Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The relationship at work and with co-workers [3]

Hi Fadhil,

I would like to give you some feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy because I think the content of your essay has already well-developed. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, it can be seen that in the relation at work, there areweredistinctions in data of all (...) the questionnaire between 2005 and 2009,(comma is unnecessary if it wasn't for contrasting something) while the differences (...) recognized in those yearsbetween 2005 and 2009.(I think that mentioning the year "twice" is redundant)

2nd paragraph:
- ...almost three by four ofof four employees arewere very satisfied in working (...) shown by the increaseincreasing of answer "very good" answers from 61 percent to ...

... was not present in the data. (stop here, new sentence)In consequence, there would bewas an increase in all categories of answers in 2009 for instance, "don't have supervisor" increasesincreased from 1% to 5%. (Please, be more careful in composing "complex sentence". Complex sentence is not necessarily this long. This often leads to inaccuracies and confusing structure. This can possibly drag your band score down to 5.0.)

As you can see, tenses inappropriateness still exist in your essay. By considering the above-mentioned feedback, I am sure that your writing will be better. Good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / UNC Supplement Essay: Tell us a story that helps us better understand... [4]

Hi Fleur,

I would like to share my thoughts about your essay. Instead of focusing on your grammatical flaws, I would prefer to focus on your content. I hope you can follow through.

As you can see, the prompt is "Tell us a story that helps us better understand a person, place, or thing you find inspiring" . This means you need to specify your focus. In your essay, I notice that you have unconsciously explained two things simultaneously (correct me if I'm wrong). It seems confusing whether you are inspired by Brian or by GET. If, for example, you are getting inspired because of both things. You need to mention it clearly since the very beginning of your essay. Perhaps, this sentence "The GET program and the people who dedicate their hard work and time continually inspire me." can be appeared in the beginning part of your essay.

There you have it Fleur, I think you just need to change the format of your essay by following the above-mentioned feedback. It is also up-to-you whether you want to do that or not. I am just sharing my opinion. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Star basketball player endorses Hillary Clinton [3]

Hi Pattahindi,

Here's my thoughts about your article summary. I hope this would be helpful.

- ...James LeBron has supported Hillary Clinton for becomingthe next president of the United States of America .
- He said that he(comma is unnecessary) endorsed Hillary because this candidate willis going to continue Barack Obama's Legacy.
- Moreover, he believes that Hillary has committed to (...) and to reduce the violence. (parallel structure)
- According to LeBron, the United States of America needs a president who can bring in unity and peace amongtowards other people.
- No matter where she or he werecomes from, even the color of his or her skin.
- American people must stand equally.
- LeBron has argued about this issue after (...) to help students attending college. (I have corrected the grammar of this sentence, but it seems like it has contradictory meaning.)

Cheers :)

Research Papers / I am testing out this forum and also would like some suggestions on my tentative research paper. [2]

Hi Peter,
Welcome to EF team!

Here's my analysis of your research paper. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ...there hashave("has"(singular) doesn't agree with "major changes" (plural)) been a lot of major changes in development, specifically in regards toparticularly the internet and a derivative of it i.e. the social media revolution.

- As described by Scott (2010), something is a way people... (where is the subject?)
- ... from basic multimedia uses as watching video for example.to(this should be connected with the previous sentence) , and using platforms (...) share their contents. (stop here, new sentence)and is this is aThose are the representations of the social media phenomenon.

- ...social media has ushered into company's different angles (...) and in this reinforcingto reinforce their brand image in business markets. (I have no idea whether this is a real quote or translated quote because it was grammatically incorrect)

From my analysis, you can see that some structural problems still occur in your essay. You can proofread the other two paragraphs by considering the above-mentioned feedback. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The Men and Women Attending Various Evening Courses at an adult education centre [2]

Hi Goldvina,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

The detailed descriptions below are my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- I believe this is already well-written introduction paragraph. I only notice minor grammatical mistakes such as the absence of article "the" in was the highest for participants in 50 or over. and women comprised the majority of the numbers of people who ... This is a good start to reach a high band score in writing. Clear and well-developed overview would make your band score can possibly reach 6 or above.

2nd paragraph:
- The bar chart indicates that drama and language class the proportion of female students in drama and language class was twice the number of male pupils, particularly 20 women against 10 men...

- ....the painting class, with figures at 30 participants for women and 25 for men.
- ... in people enrolling for sculpture course. (stop, new sentence) The figure for men doubled than forcompared to women, respectively at 10 and 5 respectively.

As you can see, some structure problems still exist in your essay. By considering the above-mentioned feedback, I hope you can compose a better essay. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS SUMMARY MONTH IS COMPARING BETWEEN TABLE AND PIE CHART [2]

Hi Syukron,

I think I am getting tired of reminding people about picture or chart that should be uploaded along with the essay. I just want to directly give you my feedback related to your essay in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

Due to the high number of grammatical errors that you've made, I prefer to focus on your paragraph development. First thing first, try to read more IELTS task 1 samples. I believe that you can learn something from that samples. In some samples, it is clear that you are suggested to write in three paragraphs. It consists of introduction paragraph, the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph.

Your paragraph is quite messy. You need to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph that you make. This would help the reader to read and check your essay. However, no need to give opinion in this essay. It will be dangerous towards the final grade of your writing. I believe the words "less productive" comes out of nowhere. There is no information about that in the picture. You just need to say which one is the highest and which one is the lowest, as simple as that. If you take a closer look on the instruction, you will see "summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant"

Lastly, it is better to write only one overview rather than two overviews. You have stated in the beginning part of your essay "In general..." but why did you say "In summary.." in the last part of your essay? One of them has adequately covered the necessary points to reach a high score.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The today's world has three major sectors which created circumstances of land degradation [3]

Hi Alfa,

I think that you can learn from other people mistakes by posting clear image/picture/chart/diagram. I am afraid if you keep doing this in the next practice, the moderators of this forum are going to suspend your account. Please be more careful for the next essay practice. However, I am still going to give you some feedback related to paragraphing and essay structure. I hope you can follow through.

First of all, I am sure that you have read some books related to IELTS, you are not going to blindly upload your writing here. In the book that you've read (whatever the book is), it is clear that you need to write in a clear format of paragraph. Writing like this would only drag your band score down to 4.0 due to "presents information and ideas but these are not arranged coherently and there is no clear progression in the response / inappropriate format'.

Assuming that I am wrong about the book that you've read, I would like to give you a brief explanation about what to write in IELTS task 1. Please take a closer look on the descriptions below.

- Write minimum THREE paragraphs or more.
- Those three paragraphs consist of Introduction paragraph, the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph.
- In introduction paragraph you need to paraphrase the question and give clear overview about the chart/picture/diagram given.
- In body paragraphs, you need to group the information clearly or separate it into half part. Write the first part of information in the first body paragraph, and write the second part of information in the second body paragraph.

My suggestion is that you need to know that "clarity" is a MUST. Do NOT try to write TOO long sentences. Too-long sentences need sufficient knowledge about grammar. If you don't have it, better write short or average sentence length. Try to use MS.Word spelling and grammar checker to help you, but do not rely on it. Somehow, if the sentence that you are writing are long and complicated, it doesn't really helpful.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Top Honeymoon Destinations - the information of eight popular places for new British couples [2]

Hi debby,


what bar chart? You are suggested to upload picture/diagram/chart for IELTS task 1 practice. Do not make the same mistake for the next one. In addition, I also think that you need to give at least one space for each paragraph so the reader can easily read and check your essay.

However, I would still want to help you by giving some feedback for your essay.

1st paragraph:
- This bar chart elaboratesdescribes/depicts the information ofabout eight popular places for newlyweds British couples to spend ...
Around 5000 couples had participated in this survey.
- ... were chosen by over half of the participants in the survey. Whilewhile the other... (While is a connector. You cannot separate it.)

2nd paragraph:
- ...chose to be in Thailand and Bali with 1410 and 1335 couples respectively.
- It is followed in the third place by Costa Rica...
- In the next place, it is followed by 209 couples who flied to Paris. (avoid making fragment (incomplete sentence))
- ... District were the two less popular destinations among...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The pie chart and table represent information about three vital reasons that caused land degradation [3]

Hi Ismail,

Here's my contributions towards your IELTS task 1 essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... that caused land degradation in the world, and especially in the three different regions during the 1990s.
- Overall/At first glance,it is important to noticenote that over-grazing had the biggest percentage been causedin causing land degradation in the worldwide.

- WhileMeanwhile, deforestation had been the mayorbecome the major reason in the three areas. between 1990s.("while" cannot stand alone. It is a "connector" of two clauses. Also, mentioning "time" would be redundant since you have mentioned it in the first sentence.)

2nd paragraph:
- In this paragraph, you need to pay more attention on the tense usage. I think that you accidentally used present tense instead of past tense. If you take a closer look on the timeline, it is clear that this essay needs to be written in past form. I also notice some grammatical inaccuracies regarding cohesive device usage and spelling such as "besides" not "beside" and "productive" not "produtive". You need to also see the difference between past and past perfect in the last sentence of this paragraph. I reckon that it is supposed in past form instead of past perfect.

Overall, some grammatical inaccuracies can be reduced by having lots of practices. I believe you can do that. Good luck for the next one mate! :)