Undergraduate / First attention-grabbing brochure; Why Reed ? [3]


... I think it's better to keep everything in past tense.


.... This is not grammatically incorrect. However, I feel you better try to reduce its length. Then it would help enhance the effectiveness of your flow. When the sentence is too long, the reader needs to keep memorizing lots of things that tire him and make him lose interest in reading what you'v e written.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; I'm on holiday and ask my friend to take care of my house and pet [4]


Well... you are going to ask help from your friend and therefore those cannot be instructions. The moment you use the word "instruction" it gives a kind of ordering feeling. When you ask for help, you need to be more humble and also thankful for their support. I think this is how it should go;

Dear Ismail,
How are you dear friend? I hope everything is well with you and the family. I am writing this letter to ask you a great favor. You can already guess what I am going to ask because this is not the first time I have approached you for the same help. I will be on holiday from next week and as I did in my last vacation, this time too I intend to visit my family in Pakistan. I humbly request you to take care of my home and the cat while I am away.

Writing Feedback / Attending university is now mandatory for student to be accepted for better work [7]

Hi tishca2013 - You need to open a new thread and post your writing there. As per the forum rules, you are not supposed to post your essays in others threads. Practically, it would not help you any good feedbacks too as others do not see your topic in this thread. Also it is unfair by the person who belongs the thread too...So, I'll be deleting your essay here. Please open a new thread using the "New Thread" button at the top (right) in this screen. Type a meaningful topic in the "Subject". Include your prompt in the essay and post it to the "Writing Feedback" forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role [3]


.... the first part is fine, but there are grammar issues with the latter part;
However, the arguments have come up about the excessive use of computer for educational activities may lead to less significance a natural death of the role of teachers in classroom setup.


This is also not very clear. You need to state your position clearly before concluding the introduction;
However, I do not agree with idea.

Writing Feedback / Attending university is now mandatory for student to be accepted for better work [7]


Some attend to gain new knowledge .... gain knowledge/ acquire knowledge


Some attend college to gain new knowledge while others have different objectives in doing so like enhancing their credentials, developing skills etc.

Undergraduate / Beep! Beep! Beep!; Describe the world you come from- school [2]

This is creative, but I think this is the place you have more potential to trim down the word count. Try and pick the most important and reduce a few lines here. You really don't have to tell everything in your routine. Instead you can mention a few and give the idea it is packed with activities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: who should responsible for elderly? [6]


... discussional? there is no such word :(
Nowadays, taking care of elders has become a social problem.


.... this is good... it's a good introduction of the argument.


... this does not convey a clear idea about what position you take. You either have to agree/ disagree or take a moderate stance. Whatever it is you should express it very clearly.

Undergraduate / William Golding's novel: Lord of the flies - Leadership essay. [7]


In the famous novel, "Lord of the flies", William Golding builds four main characters to present typical human personalities. ...This is just a suggestion to put it a bit differently;


I like if you introduced two characters in one sentence and have two sentences for the four guys.


.... What's the link between the first and the second sentences?


.
Ralph's leadership qualities are well demonstrated in the way he treats the kids.

Scholarship / MORAL EDUCATION; CCI PROGRAM/ Why Community College? [6]


Hey... you need to open a fresh thread for this new question. Otherwise you will not gain any feedbacks for this and also it is against forum rules. Open a new thread and have a meaningful topic that can attract others attention to hop into your thread :D Also include the prompt as you did above. I am going to remove it now from this thread and hope to meet you in your new thread. That's an admin function assigned to me :)

Undergraduate / Should we tell when friend cheating exams ?/ ETHICAL DILEMMA [2]


This is the question that I had me entangled between friendship and ethics.


Back in my schooldays, one of my friends cheated at the exam with our fullest cooperation.


I don't mean that we too did cheat like her.


However, we pretended that we didn't see what she was doing and indirectly encouraged her to commit that wrongful act.

Undergraduate / The community service - Why Tulane? ; Major - Political Science/ International Relations [3]

I think fallenchemist provides you some good insight for this response. I too feel you need to have some link to the aspect that how Tulane would help you achieve your goals , both short and long term.There's no harm in bringing in community service aspect into the scene, but you need to discuss more what features of Tulane would help you achieve your dream.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Popular events help ease international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions [4]


These events help ease tension among different nations.


There are several grammar issues here. As Pahan has highlighted above, "people" is a plural word and "peoples" is wrong.

[quote=BALOCH] They have significant effect on the nation and bringing all nations together on a single platform to represent their country and play pride for it /quote]

You need to pay more attention to your grammar.

Writing Feedback / Media should present diverse aspects of our life, so like bad guys sometimes live happy [4]


Here, you need to deal with whether you agree with this statement or not. However, in your introduction you try to take this in a different direction. Always keep your writing well aligned with the topic/ prompt.

Scholarship / MORAL EDUCATION; CCI PROGRAM/ Why Community College? [6]



I agree with Ahmad.Try to show this through some event or experience. Otherwise this would be just a statement you make. When you talk through experiences, your reader would be more convinced.


This program will help me gain more experience and broaden my perspectives.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Do the same thing and Avoid Changes; GOOD or BAD? [4]


... I see some logical issue here. How can you always deny accepting changes ? For example, if you are forced to move out from the area where you leave by the authorities due to some security threats, how can you deny that? The state has the power and you simply has to accept it and settle down in a new place whether you like it or not.

Actually, your topic is not on this matter. It is about people's preferences. i.e some like to change more than the other.

Writing Feedback / Personal enjoyment? Everyone is working as a diligent worker for the family. [9]

Well... I feel you should first pay attention to the essay structure. This is the one that I recommend for this task which can earn you a good score as well as help you manage time.

Writing Feedback / Fair view on PROSTITUTION ; Grammar/ Structure [2]


... this sentence is not clear. What do you really mean by this line?


... why do you say it's a cultural phenomenon ? It is known as the oldest profession in the world and it prevailed in almost every culture. And also I doubt whether it was perceived differently by various societies. In my view, it was and still is perceived as an inferior profession.

Undergraduate / I come from two different cultures; UC Personal Statement [6]


I have the influence of two different cultures from my mother being Chinese and father being Mexican.


.... friends and peers have close meanings though not identical and synonyms.
Anyone can have a strong influence from various people as to who you become

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why do we need music? [5]


Nowadays there are many types of music forms. However, they can be broadly divided into two groups such as traditional and international music.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; People who have committed a crime should always be in jail ? [4]



.... had you used direct speech this sentence would have been much more effective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Course of study that has no direct employment opportunities serves no purpose [5]

It's always better to include your prompt with the essay. It helps us understand what the prompt requires and check your alignment of your writing with it. So, please post the prompt in your future essays.


... decided and based - when these two words come together, they tend to puzzle the reader as to what you mean :)
In the modern world, social status of an individual is generally based on his income level.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; The only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university [5]


... Nice Hook :)


... this sentence sounds confusing... your idea does not flow properly :(

Writing Feedback / Personal enjoyment? Everyone is working as a diligent worker for the family. [9]

Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? It's better that you mention the purpose in the title so that others can provide you with more task related responses.


Since you have not posted the full prompt, it is not very clear that you are asked to agree or disagree on this argument. However, if this is an agree/disagree essay, then you need to clearly state your position on the argument.

Graduate / I was born in a seaside city; Master(Management)- what matters most - ESSEC (France) [2]


Were you born in a seaside city and do not live there anymore? It's not very clear ... This is what I suggest;
I was born in a coastal town and every summer weekend, I still cherish the memories of summer weekends I spent in the beach with my family when I was young.

Writing Feedback / We should look at computers advantages and research to utilize them in a good manner. [2]


.... what way of life?
The advancement of modern technology has facilitated the quality of life that people live today.




.... this sentence is incomplete.... you need to add another part for this.

Essays / Ideas for beginning my essay on Mobile Phones and their impact on life [10]

You need to have the introduction, body paragraphs and the conclusion , just as in any normal essay. You need to open your essay with a great hook to impress the reader. You can even get hold of a catchy quote in that book or the movie to begin with. Then relate it to the topic and introduce the topic to the reader.

Writing Feedback / You successfully passed a job interview. You are expected to start on November 15, but you [4]

Well.... I am too with Pahan because this is a job contract and you have to assume that you received a letter from them requesting you to report on that day. So in this case you have to refer to the letter first. Anyway you will be signing off at the end of the letter with your name and that will help them to identify you. Also, since this is an official letter, you can have a heading like;

Position of Network Engineer ... that may help them connect the reason why you are writing this letter.

Undergraduate / As a child, I never appreciated school ; Florida State University [3]


They worked really hard to make me realize how important the education is for my future.


.... Ok.... what's your purpose in telling them that you were not interested in studies and then you became studious as you grow? You have failed to give the reader any idea as to how your perception changed and what contribute to that. If there's no such significance of that fact, then you can avoid talking about your childhood attitude towards education.

Graduate / I factored in a lot of things when I made my decision ; MS Accounting Personal Statement [3]

I had to take the call whether I should pursue graduate studies or begin a career in next May. I factored many things into the equation before making this decision, but my prime concern was that how fast I could advance my career with a master's degree. In this exercise I realized two things; First, I should not let myself deprived of situations that my promotions getting differed due to my low credentials. Second, a master's degree have the potential to open more career options for me.

Undergraduate / The Gym - Common App Essay: A Meaningful Environment [4]


... I like if you replace the word "Many" with "Some" to be on safe side. :)
I enjoyed reading your response to this prompt. I especially like the way you have presented it. That's very creative :)
Good job! You have answered the prompt well.
Wish you good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / I AM A LOSER; Common App essay (a time I overcame failure)- CROSS COUNTRY [2]


... interesting idea :)
However, it is not my luck that I blame on.


... I feel you drag a bit too much to come to the point. It is not necessary because the reader likes to understand things quicker and clear.

I blame myself for not believing in me, that was the culprit of my continuous failures.

Scholarship / I have a dream of making commercialized In vitro meat a reality; NUS Scholarship/PS [3]


I think you've done a good job. The ideas are presented logically and clearly. Only thing I wish you to improve on is the introduction;


Here I guess you can be a little more descriptive, as well as creative in presenting your case. I didn't check whether you have already met the required word count. If you have some allowance, then add a few lines to enhance its effect.

Writing Feedback / My favorite room is my study because it keeps my memories alive! [7]

Hi
I understand you are new to the forum and therefore I thought stressing on a small admin function - You should select the most appropriate forum category when you open a new thread. This one should have been posted to Writing Feedback category (It has been posted to Student Talk and I moved it to the right forum)


It stands out among all other places in my heart, not only because its beautiful ambiance, but also because of it keeps the memories of my colorful childhood alive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK -2 :- Control over usage of water [2]


During what? Or did you mean "Due to this" ?


The first two sentences do not talk anything about fresh water and you suddenly introduce the argument. You need to arrange a logical flow in your writing and each sentence need to have a proper link with the next one.

Undergraduate / ALIGNMENT with my goals not found; [TRANSFER Essay]Common App for top-tier schools [8]

Ohhhhhh....that's fine. My suggestions were based on what I read in your response. You are totally free to accept them or not because you are the best person who knows what the real reason and the background of that university. What I mentioned there was what I guessed by reading your previous response. If it sounds fluffy, just don't take any notice and go ahead with what you wrote. That's perfectly alright. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : What contributes for a GOOD JOB? University education or job experience? [6]


.... job study? that's confusing :(


... This sentence is very very confusing... The reader gets puzzled as to what you try to say. Do not write long sentences. Write short ones with more clarity. Have one sentence for one idea.

Also, I feel you need to pay attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / The fewer language the world have, the more convenient we can live our life [3]


.... Well... within a country too, there can be many languages that are spoken by its different communities. Take India for example. There are over eighty dialects are spoken within India. So, this sentence cannot be logically justified.


Your introduction needs lots of improvement. I have suggested you a format for the introduction and hope you follow that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-CAM4-TRAVEL TO AND FROM THE UK AND MOST POPULAR COUNTRIES FOR UK RESIDENTS [4]

You follow a very logical structure. This is how it should be :)


.... I don't say this is incorrect, but you can improve its clarity.... sounds a little bit messy. When you change the order, it will sound clearer;

It can be noted that visits of both to and from the UK, have been increased between 1979 and 1999.
Overall, this is good writing. Good structure, good vocabulary and good sentences :)
Good luck too :D

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing 2 essey: Big city vs small town [4]


Here you start with expressing the opinion and then you introduce the topic to the reader. However, it is better if you conclude the introduction with your opinion.

Writing Feedback / [toefl task] TELEPHONE or TELEVISION? Which one is more effective in people's life? [8]

Hi aster0224,
A small admin request :D
Every time you open a new thread you need to have a unique title (topic) for it. Do not repeat the same essay title if you are posting new essay on the same topic. This is a forum rule and it helps your essay to be treated unique in this forum :)

Now, let's go to your essay;


Here you need to make a clear statement about your opinion. Which one is better? Telephone or TV? I guess you support TV, then your statement should sound like;

However, I too believe that telephone plays a more effective role in our lives compared to the TV. ... you need to contrast since this is a comparison


... ok....now you need to align your reasons with the topic. You say telephone is more effective than the TV. So, you need to find a reason why you say that. You need to show something that telephone makes itself superior to TV. Something like;

First, the telephone has become an integral part of our day to day life because we heavily depend on this device to communicate with each other. Because of this reason, a person might find it is very hard to survive without a phone even for a single day. However, the TV is not so important for a person to stay connected with each other and people can bare things without having a TV for a longer time compared to the telephone.