Research Papers / Research Paper: Should Federal Funding to the Arts go to Green Energy? [2]


Nowadays, everybody is interested in options that help them save money; discount vouchers/ coupons, best deals, sales promotions at retailers like Walmart, Shoprite, Costco etc. are some of such new ideas.


This line sounds a bit confusing to me. I feel you better rephrase this one. I feel it is too long as well. Since this is the first time you are talking about "Green Economy" this sentence has lots of significance to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Gre -- Argument; homeowners in nearby Brookville community [2]


This sentence is poorly constructed. In the first place, it's too long and at the end of your sentence you get carried away. Try shorter sentences and improve clarity.


This may be just a draft. But you better present it neatly here if you are seriously interested in having feedbacks on your writing. So, start your sentences with capital letter and have proper punctuation in right places.

it needs/ they need
to be elaborated/ to elaborate

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 THE GRAPH SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF UK ADOLESCENTS FOLLOWING A VEGETARIAN DIET [5]

Just above the space (where you type your message) you get "Attach file(s)" . Click on that to upload your file that contains those images. It's good to have your graph side by side as Pahan suggests.

Also, your writing is pretty good.

Scholarship / All of my life I have struggled with a LD (learning disability); Why do I deserve this scholarship? [4]


Let's see how I can help you with :)


All my life I struggled with my learning disability(LD) that often got me mocked by others. I want to prove them wrong and I am determined to fight all odds with courage.


There were some who really helped and supported me throughout my high-school career.

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: From A Job to "Pass the Time" to Lessons LEarnt - extracurricular activity [4]


... I don't see this is really necessary to say. I like if you remove this sentence from the response.


.... tell why your position got elevated to that level. What contributed for such a decision - it is your hard work, talent, PR skills? You need to clear that out in the beginning of this line.

Undergraduate / Why are you interested in attending Oglethorpe University?location, school size, and acade [3]


.... I wish you make it sound a bit more formal;
Why I want to attend Oglethorpe? The answer is its location, size and academics.


I feel you better either split this sentence to two or shorten it as it is a bit too long and the reader has to memorize the details of it;

Since my freshman year in high school, I dreamed of attending a big University, far from my home, to earn a quality and more independent college experience.

Writing Feedback / Solving the gap between rich and poor nations requires much effort from governments - IELTS [5]


It is undeniable that the gap between wealthy and poor nations has become wider in recent years and also it does not seem to be stopping in near future.


This is not really necessary to state. It's implied and the reader anyway expects you to do that. In my view, it does not add any value to your essay.


There are many causes that prevent the development of a nation.
You have good writing skills... Good luck!

Undergraduate / I hope to lead an academically demanding life; WHY GEORGIA TECH ? [7]


Like Pahan, I too have a confusion here.... why you say your school is demanding? What sort of demanding is that? How does it links to a university life?

You need to have a good link between sentences in order to have your ideas flow smoothly. Otherwise they would generate a sporadic feeling.


I found Georgia Tech as unique because of its outstanding Science faculty with highly acclaimed academic staff that include professors like Lobachev and Jiang.

Undergraduate / One's duty to keep the promise; Personal essay/ When I challenged a belief or idea [2]


The students expected the refectory to enhance the quality and presentation of the meals it provided.


.... this comes without much reference to the previous idea. I feel you need to set up a stronger connection. Was there a relationship with this winning and the issue of food?

Writing Feedback / I grow up in Jiquilpan Michoacán; My New Life [5]


... "can be difficult" gives a pretty vague feeling. I wish you change this;
I grew up in Jiquilpan Michoacán, where life was not easy.


However, I was lucky to have inspiring souls around me who always drove me forward.


Trees sound positive and dirt sounds negative. So the reader gets confused. If you want to talk about the negativity don't have positives in the bunch :)

Long dusty roads, poor transportation and other limited facilities made me feel frustrated, yet my grandpa's smile together with his great advice motivated me to do my best to accomplish what I wanted in life.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;should universities spend more money on salaries for university professors? [4]


.... here there are several grammar issues. Also, ideas are scattered here and there. Arrange them according to a logical sequence and present this idea to be read more catchy. :)


hiring teachers with better qualifications


.... universities should focus on more effective methods to improve quality of education instead of allocating a higher budge to facilitate enhancing professor's salary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS (Charts); electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany [4]

I see that you can write well. However, I feel you need to improve on the structure. This is what I suggest;
There are three basic things you need to structure an IELTS writing task 1.
1. Introduce the graph (


- this is it!)
2. Give an overview ( Discuss the main trends very briefly)
3. Give the detail ( now you can talk about all the details)

Graduate / I wanted to help. I prayed for a miracle. But I was only eight.; Questbridge Bio [3]


I feel if you change the order of these sentences, rather ideas, then your flow would be more smooth;
I was only eight when I prayed desperately for a miracle to happen, but in vain; one of my closest friends closed her eyes tight and never opened them again.


Part of this line has already been said in the previous sentence. So, avoid the repetitive effect;
My friend Krista's death came as a terrible blow that made me feel and understand the emptiness in my life.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE --''bookish knowledge without experience is useless'' [4]


Make sure you begin your sentences with capital letters when you make posts to this forum. The more presentable your essay is, the more likely you earn feedbacks from others.


... Too many mistakes and it makes the reader thoroughly confused as to what you say :(

Writing Feedback / The essay on life cycle of salmon [2]


The diagram illustrates the life cycle of salmon fish which consists of eight main stages. The cycle begins from the female salmon releasing eggs into the river and ends up with the formation of mature adult salmons.


The first stage of salmon's life cycle, the female salmons laying eggs into the river, is called the spawning process.

Undergraduate / My Room; Common App Essay. PROMPT "Describe a place or environment where you are content" [6]



.... this is pretty intersting .... very creative.... I like this sentence to what you've written in the previous para because it conveys the idea more simply to the reader without giving much work for the reader to understand what you've written.

Writing Feedback / whether job is only for money or there are several other reasons for it.. [4]


.... I get what you try to mean, but it has not flown nicely :(
With increasing globalization effects, the job market has become extremely competitive and the demand for jobs too have grown rapidly.


... well ... you have a poor link between this sentence and the previous one. Need to improve the connection between them.

Writing Feedback / Reading books continuous/ separate ; Which is better? [2]


Well this is not clear at all. First, why have you written this essay? What's the purpose? I mean, is it for an IELTS or TOEFL task?

It's good if you include the prompt (topic) in the essay for us to understand what it expects from you. Please post the prompt and then we will provide you with our comments.

Scholarship / Political and social situation in Burma- why you are an excellent fit for this internship? [2]


Thanks ... this is a place that gather people who believe in the value of collaboration :)


Yes... we will help you at our best :)


Well.... I find this para gives a bit of a formal and also a boring start to your response. I suggest you to have these information in the latter part of your essay.


.... I feel this gives a better entrance.

Undergraduate / "The team wouldn't be the same without you" - Being a part of a team! ; Common App [4]


Coach would understand your being absent for this season, she added.


I attended every practice session and participated in every game throughout the whole season.


To keep busy during practice sessions, I began to teach freshman the techniques of throwing and catching the ball, demonstrating them with the only arm I could move freely.

Undergraduate / You are nothing but a failure!; Describe the world you come from - UC's PS [3]


Yes... I like it :) .... gives some hint what you have in your store to reveal :)


.... this one disturbs your flow.... put it a bit differently;
Although I believed I was smart, these words kept disturbing me to holding on to that conviction.


The worst was they didn't come from strangers, but from the very people I love the most, my family.

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]



.... here you can talk about the significance of this scene, its history and other details that you feel can be useful for the reader to have an idea of this market. You need to include almost every aspect that you are going to discuss in the body paragraphs, but very briefly.


.... take the first aspect and talk about it.

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: Blood Is Thickest - What matters to you, and why? [4]


I am amazed by the validity of this saying.


Likewise she is one of the few people with whom I can share my secrets, aspirations, worries and problems confidently.
Overall, I like the way you have presented it :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL _ what do you prefer to be? a leader or a member of a group? [3]


For example, I helped my father survive from a business scandal and assisted one of my friends to solve his deep emotional issues with his family.


... this example is not very relevant to your reason. give a better reason,
Overall, this is good writing, You follow the right structure too :)

Scholarship / Hispanic family, My Dad; QuestBridge Biography [2]


Growing up in a Hispanic family, I understood the meaning of hard work.


My dad, my role model throughout my life, gave so much and worked so hard in order to provide us with the best life he could.


When we moved into the US, my dad could not continue his profession as an engineer since his Mexican qualification was not recognized in the States.

Scholarship / Lacking a parental figure, I grew up mature ; QUESTBRIDGE - Challenges [3]


I like the way you give a start to it :)


... I guess you better keep it past tense to let it flow smoothly, you are talking about the past.


This was a result of my parents actions in the first ten years of my life.

Writing Feedback / What is "happiness"? ; It is the inner state of well-being and satisfaction! [7]


Since the beginning of human race, people have always been trying to reach happiness.


In different eras in history, there were different interpretations for being happy.


... For me, this is the most important sentence in your introduction. Rather than trying to link time and happiness, I guess it's good if you focused more on discussing the definition of happiness and how different people perceive it differently.

Undergraduate / Fly Firefly; SUNY School application [3]

Hi
It's good if you included the prompt or the purpose of this writing. Without knowing any background it's difficult for others to provide you with more relevant feedbacks. Is this about the person who had a significant influence on you?

However, you display good writing skills. Post the prompt for us to check that your response is aligned with it :)

Scholarship / This is the introduction of MY STORY [3]


... This is confusing ... why "compelled" ?


I am currently a student of (your grade) at ????? (name of school)


I have been a good athlete and took part in track and field events such as running, cross country, high jump etc. I won several medals for ?????

Graduate / Follow in my sister's footsteps; PTCAS - decision making process [2]


Why you found out that pharmacy was not the path for you. Why did you suddenly got interested in human body? Those questions pop up in the reader's mind and you need to answer them. Be more descriptive about these points and convince the reader how your decision was formed to pursue a career in physical therapy.

Writing Feedback / SAT: What motivates people to change something in their life?! (I wrote in 25 minutes) [3]


... Good hook :)


... I don't say this sentence is grammatically incorrect. However, it needs improvement. Sounds a bit confusing when you read it for the first time.



I believe I am rather conservative in my thinking, however, I too embrace change in certain areas because I believe they are necessary for my progress.

Writing Feedback / People Learn from Their Mistakes [4]


... this sentence is not very clear to me.... I guess this is what you meant;
This little example may be helpful for you to understand your mistakes if that person was you.


.... again, this is not clear at all.... you need to rephrase this line to clear confusion. :(

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Letter - Schnitzel and Sauerkraut [5]

:D
I enjoyed reading your letter and I'm sure your roommate, if she is a fun loving person, would start liking you instantly. This is quite witty and your writing style gives a good description of your character. I like it :)

Good luck with your application :)

Undergraduate / NATURE TRAIL; Environment where I am content [3]

I think you are on the right track and you have answered the prompt right.


yes.... this may add more creativity to your writing to make it some more interesting. However, as it is , this is a good response and you tell the reader why you become contented in that place and why you find it is meaningful to you.

Good job! :)

Graduate / DPT AdmissionEssay:How will graduate degree help you attain your goals? [6]

Hi
I saw you have requested marmaria to have a look at your essay.... So, I quickly hopped into yours :)


.... Good start :)


Yep.... I read your response in full and it is very good... simple, yet interesting and very convincing. You sound very genuine too.


that's fine .
It's a very good response and I do not have much to comment about for you to further improve it. Only thing I can mention is that since your prompt request you to discuss both personal and career goals, give a little more emphasis on career side too. I feel there's more weightage on personal aspect. That's just a thought and this is very good :)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay; All nations should help support the development of a global university [4]


However, such university may possess certain risks that the participating countries need to be concerned about. .... it's better if you briefly introduce what these risks are. Otherwise this statement sounds pretty vague. Also, you need to mention about the positive aspect of it also because you deal with that in your first body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- increasing professors' salary as an effective factor influencing educational system [5]

Yes, Pahan's right and your introduction should not be that lengthy.

Writing Feedback / For & Against Topic (TOEFL) . Students should attend to classes or it should be optional? [3]


.... This sentence is a bit too long. You can improve its presentation if you write shorter sentences.


... the latter part adds confusion to this sentence.... I guess you are talking about networking opportunities that help students with sharing many things and building relationships.

Also you should support your reasons with specific examples.

Undergraduate / SINGLE PARENT HOME; College Admission Essay. [3]


with a book in her hands
Your second paragraph coming up strongly and answers the prompt very well... The first one however, a bit dragging and does not really provide a catchy entrance to the second one. I feel you better shorten it a bit by skimming the essence.



My mom's vision has always been to make a better life for me than hers and she worked hard to realize it by fulfilling everything I needed to succeed in school.

Graduate / I had the skill of problem solving ; SOP - MS in Computer Science [2]

I feel lots of known and obvious things are here... They would not be interested in hearing what they already know. They would want to know more about you and SOP is the best opportunity for you to introduce your personality to them as it's going to make the first impression about you. So, whatever you write, have yourself in the center;

Irrespective of the size or the depth, problem solving poses challenges on people. I am one of those who gets motivated by such challenges. Be it a simple challenge like Rubik's cube or a more complex mathematical problem, these problem solving challenges always kept me inspired and that is the reason why I am driven towards applying for xxxxxxxx.