Scholarship / Biodiversity Conservation - Chevening Scholarship_Course Choice Explaining [3]

@Konkhmer12345
Hi. Thanks for your consistent efforts in improving your writing. I am here to give you a brief feedback on this essay, and hopefully you will learn something out of it.

The first sentence needs to be deconstructed into two different sentences. One is about the main topic of the essay, while the other will focus on the research angle. If you compartmentalize your writing in this pattern, you will surely have a more detailed writing to work with. In turn, this will make your writing stand out a lot more.

Furthermore, the second paragraph also needs to be tailored down. While it was great that you had incorporated so many details, about midway of the writing, it was almost as if the writing itself was quite too flustered with content. I heavily recommend that you focus on prioritizing information that you need - this will help you with shortening content.

Writing Feedback / It is often argued that punishment should be imposed according to the crime type [2]

@Ali20
Hello. Thank you for your consistent appearance on the forum. We hope that you have been learning throughout your stay here. I'll be here once more to give you feedback.

Firstly, I appreciate the directness of the first paragraph. It was quite clear what you were trying to reiterate, and this surely made it easier to digest the rest of your writing. Keep this up. What I do recommend is trying to omit portions of the text that only add weight without adding anything substantive. If we take a look at the first paragraph, for example, you were using terms such as I think that are not really indicative of anything concrete in your writing.

Furthermore, the rest of the writing needs a little bit more work and tampering as well in this regard. If you take a look at the second paragraph, it was quite vivid that you did not properly have any distinguishable characterization that would have made your writing stand out. You were creating lengthy sentences that did not mesh well with the writing. Work on this a bit more, and I'm certain you'll be doing splendid in no time.

Scholarship / Rotaract club - Chevening: networking skills [2]

@skonpat
Hi. I'm here to give my feedback on this writing. Please inform me if you have more questions - and I'll be more than happy to assist.

First and foremost, be cautious of the structure of your sentences. The first sentence immediately can throw people off because of this reason. Instead of having such a complex sentence become your starter line, try to incorporate something a bit more straightforward. Truly having more direction in your writing will be beneficial to you in the long-run.

Furthermore, there is a clear imbalance in your writing. Notice how a chunk of information is only in a vacuum in the first paragraph, whereas the rest of writing appears to be rather empty and lacking in content? Try to avoid this. Always ensure that you have a balanced and well-thought out essay - this will improve your writing's appeal.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay: A large manufacturing plant in the neighbourhood [3]

@ku3r
Hi. Welcome to the forum. I'll be here to provide you with feedback on your writing. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us again!

First and foremost, your writing is well-crafted. However, I do find that its general flow can still be bettered. Consider trying to incorporate more transition lines to help you with writing. It would also be helpful to your readers if you will assist them in finding the logical link sin your writing. For instance, the first paragraph's first two lines appear to be rather disconnected from each other. I would suggest that you evade situations like this as it can affect the perception of your writing.

Furthermore, the latter portions also need to be worked on. I heavily recommend double checking on the consistency of the form of writing you are using. Your tenses should also be aligned with each other, considering this is one massive chunk of text.

Undergraduate / Striving for the best - UBC Personal Profile Question. Tell us about who you are. [2]

@ShaylaC
Thank you for being in the forum. I'm here to give feedback on this essay of yours.

Firstly, I find the first paragraph to be quite alright. You were able to incorporate personal details while still avoiding being generally too cautious about the content. This can be thoroughly appreciated by the readers themselves. What I do suggest is adding a clutch sentence in the first paragraph's last line that will serve as a better transition line for the forthcoming details.

The second paragraph also needs to be a bit more distinguished. While it was great that you had incorporated so much complexity into your writing (superficially through the usage of deep words), the flow is still quite vague. You have to be more specific, especially if you want to hinge your essay on a personal narrative. Try to explain more how these experiences translated into real-life challenges. Doing this will also heighten the impact of your writing.

Research Papers / Abstract - Socio – ecological resilience of mangrove-shrimp models under salinity intrusion [2]

@dungtran
Welcome to the forum. I'm here to give feedback on this abstract of yours.

Generally, there is nothing fundamentally wrong or inappropriate about your writing. The extensiveness and the complexity of the language only adds professionalism and flair, both traits that are necessary when writing to this academic level. What I do recommend is trying to better the closing portion of the text. Considering that the text is supposed to be immensely focused on incorporating vivid details throughout, the last sentence appears to be rather lost in the array of information. I would suggest omitting this part - instead, use that extra line onto explaining further the results of the study in a more technical sense.

Undergraduate / About My Father - Princeton Supplement Essay - a person who has influenced you in a significant way [2]

@rouyi
Welcome to the forum. I am here to help you by providing feedback on this essay.

Firstly, formalize the first paragraph. The insertion of quotations from the get-go appear to be (for the lack of better word) tacky because you were unable to utilize it more effectively. What I do suggest, if you're planning to take this route, is to try and use just one quotation and massively infuse it as a tone set for your essay. Doing this will help you structure the usage of flairs a bit more.

Furthermore, you have a tendency to put lengthy sentences mashed together. While this is alright, for essay like this that require boldness in simplicity, it would not be in your best benefit to do so. Instead, focus more on building with smaller structures, focusing on transitioning and prioritizing content that needs to be sought after.

Writing Feedback / Part-Time job interview. Beginner level [2]

@syeekk
Hello, welcome here! I hope that this small feedback will somewhat enlighten you with your writing.

Firstly, from the get-go, you need to work on structure. This includes the usage of punctuation, spacing, pauses, and other effects that will improve how concrete your writing appears to be. If you can have a more designated approach towards the work itself, it will truly help.

When you're trying to expound on specific thoughts, I do heavily suggest that you try to incorporate some form of extravagance into your writing. For instance, the first sentence (of the first paragraph) does not immediately hook the readers because it lacks passion in the wording itself. Try to add more flair to your writing to hopefully help you in this endeavor.

Writing Feedback / Employees's appearance - Writing [1] [2]

@Raymond_Tran
Welcome to the forum! It's great to see you here, Dang. I will be providing you with feedback on this essay. Hopefully, this will help you.

Firstly, the first paragraph immediately gives a glimpse of the tone that you are setting for the writing. This is excellent as it lets readers know how to navigate through your writing. You also were straightforward with what you were going to tackle in the text. Keep this up.

What I do suggest, however, is trying to create more of an extensive analysis. While your writing was already fundamentally alright, certain parts of it could have been improved if you focused more on the overall context that you're working with. For example, in the second paragraph, try to be more elaborate with what you mean in the last two sentences. Being more critical will truly help you in the long-run.

Undergraduate / My Gender - Common app 4 - A problem of significance to you and steps that can be taken to solve it. [2]

@StephVan
Welcome to the forum. I'll be providing you with feedback on your writing.

Content-wise, I find that the essay is sufficient in giving a handful of examples to back your arguments. What I find to be lacking would be the proper rationalization of details throughout. If we take into account your first paragraph, you were immediately unable to unearth what the text would be about. It would be great if you had inserted from this portion a brief introduction as to what you would want to transpire throughout just to make it clear to the readers themselves.

Furthermore, structurally and in reference to the grammar, I do suggest that you work on your sentence composition. You seem to still struggle, especially when you're trying to narrate an event. Try to write with smaller chunks, which can alleviate the potentiality of you writing without intent.

Writing Feedback / Twelve different nations and the number of medals that they have achieved in Olympic events [2]

@trinhyennhi
Welcome to the forum. It's always nice to see new people dropping by here. I hope that you learn something from the site as you scroll and read through all of the details here.

Firstly, just the introductory paragraph sitting like that in the beginning doesn't appear to be appealing. It also doesn't tell a good amount about what the text truly entails. What I would primarily suggest is trying to incorporate a beginning analysis to this portion to ensure that you are delivering the right amount of content.

Furthermore, you should be cautious of your usage of punctuation marks, especially when it comes to the lack of commas. Remember that pauses should be in place where there are natural patterns in writing.

Graduate / Description of methodologies and results while solving a problem - Texas Mccombs MSBA Essay [2]

@vivekmehndiratta
Hi. Welcome here! I hope that you learn something from this feedback that'll help you in your learning endeavors.

Firstly, I find that the first paragraph needs a bit of work structurally speaking. The lengthy sentences, while are generally acceptable, can still be shortened for you to have more compartmentalized thoughts. This will improve the overall flow of your writing, helping you curate your writing more intensively.

Furthermore, the second paragraph also needs to be tapered. While it was great that you were able to incorporate so many smaller details that improve the intricacy of the text, it is notable how the text itself has become more of a "rant" rather than an attempt to establish content.

Rearrange also the last sentence of your last paragraph, taking into account that you should have a more formal ending to your writing.

Best of luck.

Graduate / LETTER OF INTENT - BUSINESS Administration-Strategy and Management in International Organizations [3]

@ObedRockson
Welcome to the forum! Truly, I hope this feedback is helpful for you. If it is, you can always keep asking for more questions.

Firstly, I appreciate the structure and content of your writing. Your composition appears to be quite well-put. I commend you for this. Therefore, speaking of the general flow of writing alongside the intention of the text, you are already on-board.

What I do recommend is compartmentalizing your writing a bit more. Considering the chunk of text in the second paragraph onward, I find that you have a tendency to over explain, especially when it comes to your experiences. Avoid this, and instead, try to focus only on the central or core message itself.

Undergraduate / Common app essay - The gaming Cafe. A challenge, setback, or failure and its effect on me. [4]

@soo010207
Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback serves you well. Don't hesitate to approach us for more questions if you have any.

Firstly, the first paragraph was quite alright. It was actually pretty decent how you had composed the text. The descriptions were explicit in a good way.

What I only recommend is to try to stick with the appropriate functionality of writing. Consider the second paragraph. By the last sentence, you had already crossed into informal writing because of the manner of writing. Instead of capitalizing a sound effect, you could have opted to describe what it sounds. These small details really do pack a punch if you do them right.

The latter sentences, I found, suffered from the same mistake. While descriptors are generally good, certainly packing everything into a small cluster won't give you any benefits. Try to stick with this as a mindset as you write and go.

Writing Feedback / Prognosis - The proportion of US energy being produced and consumed from 1950 to 2000 [2]

@athachng2002
Thanks for being here once more. I'm here again to give you feedback on your writing. I'm hope this somehow helps you. Beforehand, please do note that you should try to always include the graph when you're writing for feedback.

The first paragraph's structure is a bit excessive with the attached phrase. Try to incorporate this phrase to the general chunk of the sentence - instead of it being wide in the open. Doing this will certainly help your writing appear more put-together.

The rest of the essay appears to be quite alright. What I only would push forward from this point would be to try to rephrase your wording in a way that'll be increasingly beneficial for the readers. For instance, the last paragraph's first sentence was quite an odd match. Instead of saying it was "a more constant increase," you could have said that it was "a consistent increase." Notice how more relevant the latter is over the former.

Undergraduate / Women and Volunteer Essay UIC [2]

@Essay19
Welcome here. I hope you're doing good. Let me give you feedback on this writing first and foremost.

From the get-go, the imbalanced structuring appears to be off-putting already. The bulkiness of the first paragraph has to be balanced out with something else that'll also be substantive. If you are unable to do this, then it would be better to stick with shorter paragraphs. Move onward from there.

What I primarily suggest is that, once you started talking about your contributions to the UIC Honors College, you could have separated it already from everything else.

The second paragraph right now is a bit bland. At least, the beginning appeared to be quite so. I suggest that you try to phrase it in a more enthusiastic light (think about happy writing).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Essay - Nowadays people spend too much time on personal entertainment [2]

@danisepari
Welcome here. I'm here to provide you with feedback. Hopefully, this would make sense and help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have more questions.

Firstly, the written work itself is quite put-together. I appreciate how finely you've managed to connect all of the details, making the entire writing flow smoothly.

I do, however, find that certain smaller details can still be improved upon. Consider, for instance, the last sentence of the first paragraph. The end phrasing appeared to be too bold and excessive, not what you would want for an academic essay. I suggest rephrasing it to something that would come off as a bit milder.

Furthermore, the second paragraph suffered from the extensive usage of details. I always mention this to others, but, it truly is helpful if you compartmentalize and prioritize which details are actually necessary - and which ones you do not particularly need. If you are able to do this, you can reduce the bulkiness of the essay and focus only on what's important.

Undergraduate / "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans" - FIT application essay [2]

@TovaW
Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm going to provide you feedback on this writing; and, hopefully, it will help you in your learning endeavors.

First and foremost, the construction and pattern of writing is a bit odd and messy. What I would suggest is, instead of spacing everything out like this, try to compartmentalize details that are close to each other. For instance, first and second paragraph can be turned into one. The fourth to the sixth can also be merged into one.

Furthermore, it was quite baffling how you moved on with the explanations, only to mention at the end that this is the reason why you're applying for the program. In that regard, having a good chunk of your essay dedicated to the modeling experience would be redundant as it does not really contribute much to the writing itself.

What I would suggest is trying plot everything out prior to writing to help you get a clearer vision of what you want to accomplish by the end of it all.

Undergraduate / Discipline, family, climate - WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY? [2]

@chopraribhav
Welcome to the forum. Here, I'm going to provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, be cautious of the punctuation marks. If we take a look at your first paragraph, some of the fundamental mistakes you've made were related to this. The first sentence appears to be a run-on than it is a properly constructed line. Try to chop this portion into smaller pieces and then work with that.

The second paragraph is also quite cluttered. Notice that there wasn't any smooth transition from point A of first sentence to point B of second sentence. You can't just jump and make conclusive linkages without substantiating beforehand.

Coming from the title and the general essay topic, the line of your writing should have been articulating individually why all of these three ideas are important. There's no need to essentially correlate everything in one chunk.

Writing Feedback / Essay about whether the natural talent is important or not [2]

@futasodi
Hi. Good luck with your IELTS! I hope that receiving this feedback would help motivate you as well to do your best in the upcoming tests.

The first paragraph is quite confusing. From the first sentence, it was quite unclear what you were trying to say. To avoid having these rather confusing compositions, I highly recommend that you try to shorten and simplify your writing a little bit more. This will help you pick up a pace for your writing.

Furthermore, the second paragraph's overall structure is quite daunting. While it's alright to have citations on the second sentence, it becomes off-putting if its correlation with the first sentence is unclear. Try to gradually place these types of data to avoid this issue.

Writing Feedback / Better gain a tertiary education or equip with soft skills to achieve great success in working? [2]

@tranglv80
Seeing as you're new here, welcome. I'm here to give you feedback on this essay.

Firstly, the intention behind the first paragraph was quite good. The execution, however, can still be improved. Consider shortening your lines to create more structure. This will also improve the readability of your text - something that is often missed out by people when they write.

Furthermore, the transition between your paragraphs alongside the general flow of the essay is quite messy. I would heavily recommend that you summarize how the flow is going to be in the first paragraph. This will help readers understand the formatting and structure a little bit better.

Try to also ensure that your text is purely academic. Evade adding (for instance, the ellipsis) unnecessary details that do not really contribute to the text itself and the substance. Doing this can help you strengthen your writing to the core.

Undergraduate / A sense of belonging - Students identify Lafayette as an excellent fit for countless reasons. [2]

@pramodk18
Welcome here! I hope that this feedback somehow gives you insight on writing. Don't hesitate to always approach us if you have additional questions regarding it.

Firstly, while the introductory paragraph was quite an elegant approach to writing this entire thing, I do recommend that you push forward with a more intensified approach to writing. Professional, I mean. I recommend trying to focus on more specific details that are actually necessary, rather than having chunks of data to add flair.

Furthermore, be cautious of your punctuation (or lack thereof). It can be off-putting if you are not using academic standards in your writing techniques. It will also be helpful if you can expound on the details with much fluency.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Who have the pivotal role for teaching pupils to become the responsible society members? [2]

@Ali20
Hi! Thanks for being here once more. I hope this feedback is helpful for your learning endeavors. If it is, don't hesitate to approach us at all times when you need someone to assess your writing.

The first paragraph is quite well-done. It was structured, had the necessary and appropriate content, and was able to explain why the essay will turn out the way that it does.

What I do suggest, however, is trying to make concise your second paragraph. It was quite notable how your writing had been a bit messy during this section because of jumping too quickly between point A and point B. If you're trying to tackle about the emotional portion that one can gather from academic institutions, try to also maintain that as a general direction. The last portions of the paragraph had also been focusing too much on a generalized approach to the topic.

Writing Feedback / Teaching International Language at Primary School (IELTS Task 2) [2]

@Ali20
Hi. Thanks for being back again. I hope this one will give you insight on your writing.

The first paragraph appears to be alright. What is lacking here is a conclusive thesis statement that'll incorporate what direction your essay will be tackling in the upcoming sections.

Furthermore, the second paragraph needs to incorporate the same level of conciseness. You need to be able to avoid repetitive words. When you find yourself repeating a lot of insight over and over, try to restructure your paragraphs a bit more.

Lastly, the conclusive remarks also lack that sense of completeness. Typically, this portion should consist of three to four sentences that will summarize and give your final verdict regarding your stand on the topic. Bear this in mind.

Scholarship / Ghana agricultural commodity - Chevening (Career plan) essay [2]

@RichmondERA
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback helps you in your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more information. Best of luck!

Firstly, what I primary suggest is moving around your paragraphs to have more organization. Consider the current second paragraph as the first, switching around the two. Doing this would help you go from critical point A to background B - instead of the other way around.

Furthermore, what I would also suggest is trying to compartmentalize your writing. It strains your writing when you have to over-explain all of the details. What would be better, though, is if you are able to structure your writing in a way that will enrich one part over the other. For instance, when you're discussing the trade relationships, you can omit the broad details and focus only on the specifics. This will show dedication and actual knowledge rather than merely outwards.

Graduate / Duke University Business Analytics Application Essay - Extracurricular Engagement [2]

@yuminzhang
Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it is, don't hesitate to approach us again for more input.

Firstly, the introductory paragraph was quite baffling to say the least. The components of the writing were organized in a confusing manner - what I would suggest primarily is that you try to take it step by step. When you're dividing and segregating essays, it would be smart if you did it thematically so varied portions have their own space to shine.

The last paragraph also needs a bit of work, considering that the flow appeared to be quite messy. I would opt that you try to follow a more structured formatting (ie. outline prior to writing). This will make your writing a lot better.

Letters / A recommendation letter for my student from Information and Communication Technology teacher [2]

@asifulislamshant
Hi, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you see here helps you somehow in your writing endeavors.

Firstly, the introductory paragraph, while it was great that you had a straightforward approach to writing it, the composition is still off-putting due to the lack of formality in structure. Consider that you need to incorporate more pauses and punctuation.

Furthermore, try to also compartmentalize your writing. It drags your essay when you continuously repeat yourself. For instance, taking a look at the second paragraph, the first two sentences alongside the latter ones were quite similar to each other. I highly suggest that you focus on merging and compartmentalizing everything in a better light.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - the statistics between marriages and divorces rate and marital status of adult Americans [2]

@roswita116
Hello! Thanks for being consistent in the forum. I hope this feedback somehow helps you with your upcoming IELTS!

The first paragraph is decent. Because of how coherent and straightforward your writing is, it has made it a lot easier for the readers to digest the information. This is great.

Furthermore, I find that the usage of certain words can be unnecessary for other parts of the text. Consider, for example, the second paragraph. The second sentence appeared to be a little bit excessive - more than what how it should have been. Bear in mind that small mistakes such as this can crossover to the entirety of the text.

Writing Feedback / Investigations of the committed crimes and the right to view on offenders' past convictions [2]

@athachng2002
Hello. Thanks for being back again! I'm here to give feedback on your writing.

Firstly, well-done on the first paragraph. It was smooth, and yet it also had integrated proper information that are necessary to build up on. I commend this.

What you do need to work on is actively trying to minimize run-on sentences. If we take a look at your second and third paragraphs, it's quite prevalent how cluttered some sentences are. Use appropriate punctuation at all times, and ascertain that you are not adding unnecessary details that take up the bulk of space. Remember that every word counts when you're writing these types of essays.

Graduate / My intention to take a graduate level computer science programme in the UK - application statement [2]

@Asphodel
Thanks for continuously being on the platform. I hope you are doing well, and that you find this feedback to be helpful. Don't hesitate to approach us for more input!

Firstly, the first sentence is quite put-together already. I would only recommend tweaking the last phrasing as it appears to be quite informal. Try to just mention that you are interested in the program, thus causing you to leave a prior program. The details may not be necessary because it's not directly correlated to your admission here.

Your laid-out experiences from the second paragraph onward were great. However, I do recommend compartmentalizing and shortening certain portions. Second paragraph could have gotten away with just four sentences (strictly just four) that would document why you deserve the spot.

When speaking about your experiences, I also recommend that you try to make everything less wordy. Stick with the technicalities that they require you to know and acknowledge - afterwards, anything that stretches it too thin can be detrimental for the health of your admission.

Undergraduate / Flying - Purdue Opportunities Essay. How do the opportunities at Purdue support my interests? [2]

@suckasmack
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful.

Firstly, the first sentence immediately appears to be unprofessional and can throw off evaluators. What I would suggest is opting for something that, on the surface level, appears to be more academic in structure. For instance, tackle an experience that has led you onto wanting to pursue this. Talk about how you want to pursue your passions in this regard.

When you're citing reasons why you are seeking admission in the university, evade from merely mentioning names of popular people. Instead, cite something more credible and concrete. Review their curriculum and mention which courses you are interested in. Review the list of professors and talk about who you would want to have classroom discussions with. This will pique their interest more as it's more university-specific.

Undergraduate / Why my major and what opportunities at Georgia Tech will prepare me in that field after graduation? [2]

@Shkr
Welcome to the forum! I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope this truly becomes an enriching and knowledgeable experience for you. Don't be afraid to approach us if you have more questions!

Structurally speaking, having only one integral paragraph doesn't appeal in the simplest sense. This drags your writing, making it appear as though there's no focal point. What I would suggest is, even in shorter essays such as this, try to still compartmentalize your writing into shorter chunks.

Say, for instance, take paragraph A as space for you expound on your background and how this triggered you to have passion for the field. Paragraph B can be dedicated to your current line of experiences that attest that you are moving towards the field. Paragraph C can as your space for aspirations, goals, and a short remark on why you deserve the position.

Try to also avoid giving out details that are not directly correlated to the study, especially because you are working confined with a word count. Good luck!

Scholarship / Welfare of others - Leadership Skills - Chevening Scholarship [2]

@Iyanus19
Hi. Welcome here. I hope that you find the feedback and content to be helpful as you are learning.

Firstly, while it's great that you had utilized a lot of heavy words from the get-go, try to always balance this out with the genuine content of the message. Remember that you are not only writing for the purpose of impressing the evaluators of Chevening; rather, you are writing with the intent to show that you deserve the position. This warrants that you are professional about your endeavors.

Furthermore, I would recommend that you try to compartmentalize your successes a little bit more. This does not mean omitting details; rather, this means that you should make more valuable messages with high impact within shorter sentences. You can easily do this by removing unnecessary explanations and focusing on how you were able to deliver the success A from the situation B.

Scholarship / Chevening - why I've chosen those three Master of Science courses in the UK? [2]

@jhonb
Hey, welcome to the forum! I apologize for the slight delay. But, here's my feedback on your writing!

Firstly, before you start utilizing acronyms, it's always part of professional or academic writing to integrate the longer versions. This is just a reminder as you cannot take the short way out of this.

I also find that the structure and organization of your essay is quite baffling. The introductory paragraph, while it was great value-wise, does not present any solid evidences regarding the flow of writing (and the intention). Try to focus on introducing the fundamental first before proceeding to any semantics. This way, you'll have a more structured approach to writing.

Scholarship / To develop and demonstrate my leadership via my academic life and professional career - Chevening [3]

@Konkhmer12345
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for your endeavors as you are learning. Please don't hesitate to approach us continuously for more input.

Firstly, I find that the first portions of your essay are quite decent. What I would recommend, however, is integrating a more personalized approach to your writing structure. Notably, you were still unable to introduce yourself as a prospective student. Even when you place an intensive amount of material and graphic descriptions to your essay, if you are unable to properly connect your experiences to these values, it won't serve anything beneficial for you - bear this in mind.

Furthermore, the latter portions detailing your professional life are dragging at times. Consider trying to make your sentences (and paragraphs) a lot more concise to help the readers fully understand what you are trying to say. Stay within the focal point and remain there.

Letters / Letter of recommendation for The Master of Information System [4]

@ThaiHoangLoc
Hi, welcome to the forum! I'm here to give you feedback on this text. Aside from what has already been mentioned, I'll do my best to diversify and branch out.

Firstly, the level of professionalism in the writing is decent. Despite this observation, I still find that certain parts of the text could be omitted to better benefit your writing. For instance, the second paragraph needs to be written without all of the personal observations. Avoid mentioning "I think" as it is indicative of uncertainty - a trait that you don't want when you're being evaluated for a Masters program. Stick with the basics as much as possible.

Observe as well small mistakes in the configuration of words.

Lastly, the concluding paragraph could have had more impact. You merely reiterated what you had already mentioned. What I can suggest is try to incorporate here a distinctive activity or class that you can be proud of - and ensure that your professor is aware of such endeavors. Adding this last minute flair would boost your chances in getting in.

Graduate / SOP for MS on Cyber Security for UK. Jan 2020 entry. [2]

@sujithbro
Hi. Thank you for being here! I wish you the best of luck in your application. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this writing.

The first paragraph is quite an interesting take on an introduction. Would you rather have this than a personal background? I would personally opt for an overview of your own skills and assets first before proceeding to explain why you fit into the program. In this light, you are moving more straight to the point to what the evaluators actually need to see.

You can incorporate the importance of cyber security midway in the essay. If you place it somewhere after discussing why you are interested in the program (ie. after the current second paragraph), you'll be relaying the information in a more strategic and efficient light.

Furthermore, it was quite messy how, in the second to the last paragraph, you jumped into your background as a student. I would suggest that you keep this as organized as possible through following a time sequence rather than moving all over the place.

Writing Feedback / Tendency to replace old products with the new ones. Why? [3]

@loveya
Welcome! Since you're new here, I'm here as a contributor to provide you with feedback on this text. I hope you learn something new from this.

Firstly, I appreciate how composed your writing is. The eloquence of your writing capped with the dynamism of content makes it easier to digest the main thoughts that you were trying to relay in the writing. Keep this up!

I would only recommend that you become more cautious of small mistakes that take down the professionalism of your writing a notch down. The second paragraph's second sentence, for example, had a random parenthesis-based phrasing in it. Omit this. Instead, you can opt for something that appears more academic such as a semi-colon. This will be a lot more forgivable for the readers.

Writing Feedback / The bar - the percentage of Australian working out [3]

@bagongcamen
Hi, welcome to the forum! I'm going to try my best to give you feedback on this writing. I hope it somehow helps your learning.

Firstly, I think that you overstretch your sentences. What this means is that you have a tendency to create almost seemingly run-on content because you are trying to put everything into one chunk. What I would suggest is opting for smaller and yet more concise patterns of writing. If we take a look at, for example, the second paragraph. You needed to deconstruct those details. Make it as comprehensible as possible for your readers.

Aside from this, the general flow of your content is quite well-done. I commend how the writing was eloquent and put-together. Just focus on downsizing complex writing patterns - and you're good to go!

Writing Feedback / Governments ought to allocate their budget to railways rather than roads [4]

@sharkonguyen
Hey, welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing; I hope it helps!

First and foremost, while the introductory paragraph is alright, I would heavily suggest that you avoid over blowing the text that you have. Taking a look at your second paragraph, it's quite pervasive how you jammed a lot of details into one portion. If you are able to avoid doing this, it would be more beneficial for your content as you're giving more priority to what is relevant.

Furthermore, I suggest working on your transitions when moving between paragraphs. While the essay was packed with information, not having the necessary transitional words can affect the delivery of content. Remember that the packaging is everything in these essays.