Undergraduate / Write about an Issue of Importance --- Presidential Election --- UofTexas prompt [2]

Hi Landon, welcome to EssayForum, an online essay writing support. First, I would like to remind you to use 1-enter to separate each paragraph to ease the reader reading your essay.

I like the way you introduced the opening. It draws my attention and keeps my eyes to read your essay. The ideas are controlled and I did not find serious issues about the grammar. I think the above essay will be better if there are several additional ideas or explanation regarding the impact of the election to yourself or the others. This because you need to answer or to associate the essay with the prompt given, and I think that one or two additional ideas before the concluding part of the essay will not affect your essay too much. Good luck with your practice.

Writing Feedback / A leader should become an open-minded person rather than having strong opinions [3]

Hi Chichi, welcome to EssayForum :)

Here's my analysis towards your essay, particularly on the first and the second paragraph. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... I would consider that a leader should becomean open-minded person rather than having strong (...) and the society as a whole. (missing article might look simple but it can ruin the meaning)

2nd paragraph:
- ...wepeoplecannot always be right about everything but sometimes wethey make mistakes. (third person pronoun is preferable in an academic essay)
- What if a leader is wrong about something, yet, insisting on his or her stands without taking other's advices?If a leader makes mistake and ignores other people's advice, the team might end up...(You can simplify the sentence structure and combine it to the next sentence to make it clearer. Clarity is crucial.)

As you can see, some modifications have been addressed. So, you can continue proofreading the rest of your essay. I hope to see some improvements in the next essay practice. Good luck :)

Scholarship / What do your parents think about your studying in Japan? (unlimited words) [7]

Hi Diep,

Welcome to EssayForum :)

First of all, I believe that your essay is too short. An essay, especially a scholarship one, is commonly in 1 page length. 1 page equals more or less 250 - 300 words. Some scholarship essays require longer words than this one. Therefore, writing 217 words would not be enough to cover all of the explanation about your parents' thought.

My suggestion is that, first, you should elaborate your essay by adding some sentences that can possibly make it adequate for fulfilling 1 page length. Don't you realize that the first paragraph, the second, and the last paragraph consist only 2 sentences for each? This is the important thing part you have to add. You need to remember a strong and well-developed paragraph should consist of at least 3 sentences minimum. Second, you don't need to create a long-but-inaccurate sentence. Accurate sentence is still better than confusing sentence (too long). Complex sentence is just simply a sentence with more than 1 clause.

Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. I would be grateful if I'm able to help.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Underground railway system along with inception, kilometers covered and passengers traveled per year [2]

Hi Kripke, welcome to EF team! :)

I would like to directly point out your weaknesses in order to help you improve your writing skill, particularly in writing IELTS task 1. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

- First, writing 223 words like what you've done for IELTS task 1 doesn't mean it is forbidden, but is not suggested. A long essay makes the organization of the paragraph will be messy and confusing. You can just aim for 165 - 190 words maximum for an essay.

- Second, this ....1900, 1927, 1976, and 1981 respectively. and this ...Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, and Los Angeles are 199 km, 155 km, 126 km, and 28 km respectively. are called shop-listing. You've listed too many data that can possibly damage the final score of your writing. Summarize them, do not list them.

- Lastly, overview is not simply by saying "overall". A good and well-written overview is that it can describe the main features of the table given and make the most noticeable comparison where relevant. You shouldn't come up with the numbers. Data shouldn't be appeared in overview. You can just simply say which one is the biggest and which one is the lowest without mentioning the data. Remember, a tendency to focus on details is the criteria of band 5. If you want to reach band 6 and above, avoid making the same mistake.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The foremost reason of unhealthy eating in today's world is the hectic life [3]

Hi, the following are several notes on your essay, I hope you can follow through.

Firstly, I find a pleasure in reading your essay; it is well-written. The flow of ideas are good, you have a good control in grammar, as well as the varied vocabularies you used in the essay. These several advantages of your essay can be enhanced by split up several sentences because you know, a good writing is not about the length, is about the readability of a text. Sometimes, a longer sentence may end up in confusing a reader, because not all readers have the same method to understand a writing. Using simple sentence does not mean that you are not good in writing. You can still use the complex and longer sentence, as long as you do not use it overly. Here is the example of the simplified sentence from the above essay:

... by thirty-five percent,.(full stop)andAccordingly, the diseases relating to ...

Keep writing!

Scholarship / Individuals with strong networking skill and influence to lead others [6]

Hi Choyhar,

Welcome to EF :)

Here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- I volunteered myself in helping a small and conservative...
They areIt isa small company that produceShand-makinghandmade gift box... (singular/plural issues)
- ...generate more income by selling theirits adhesive products and papers for...
- From thisI appointed a team...to this...new trend of operation management.the organization of your paragraph was quite messy. Therefore, I have an alternative modifications below.

I chose a team to expand the company's networking by assigning them into two distinctive tasks:

- The first one is marketing. Their job is to get new clients, distribute brochures at related exhibitions, and place advertisement in leading newspapers.
- Information Technology is their second task. They have to leverage social media, create an online website, introduce the company, review company reputation, email to new potential clients, and promote business via Facebook and Twitter.

However, in order to motivate the team in increasing its performance, I successfully pursue the business owner to remunerate the team members by giving commissions when the target growth is achieved. Thus, they have an added list of new clients and significantly increased revenue in only two months. This makes the business owner is very pleased and keen to keep this new trend of operation management.

Hope this helps :)

Letters / Motivation letter - Business Adminstration - Radboud University [5]

Hi Joko, welcome to EF :)

Here's my take on your first paragraph of your essay.

- I'm applying for the Master in...............campus starting in September 2017.(This sentence was too common, and date shouldn't be there. You've stated a proper time when to study in another part of the application form / online form. Try to paraphrase it like this)

Enrolling in Master of Business Administration at Radboud University Nijmegen empower my professional development as a(mention your current job)CEO of XYZ Company.
- I received my first degree in geology from Institut Teknologi Bandung in 2005,(this data has already existed in another part of the application)During my undergraduate study , I learned basic and advanced earth science related subjects given in both insidethe class and also outdoor as a field work.and outside the class.

- I'm also actively involved(is this your current status?) in the geology (...) and organization, I was(but why this one was in the past form?) heavily involved (...) that the association had(past) such as graduation (...) thus activity strengthen(present form?) my communication and negotiation ...(just be more consistent in tenses usage.)

My further suggestion for you is that, first, you do NOT need to create such a long-but-inaccurate-and-complicated sentence like that. Using them would badly damage the content themselves. There are two negative possibilities such as the sentence may become ambiguous, and it may become confusing. Second, you must pay more attention on "contraction" use like I'm, I've, and many more. Using them in formal letter would be inappropriate. Try to come up with more formal expression with no contractions. Thus, you just need to upload the revision below my message to get further assistance from EF members or contributors.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / You have just arrived in a new city where you are studying English - write letter to a friend [3]

Hi Dipa,

Apart from the above-mentioned feedback that focus on grammatical range and accuracy. I would like to focus on the content of your letter. Thus, the detailed descriptions below are my contribution towards your letter. I hope you can follow through

- First, mentioning "how are you?" has adequately covered the "greeting" part in a letter. This is a good approach in the beginning part of the letter itself. However, it is unfortunate that you've added "are you okay?" after that greeting. You need to remember that asking "are you okay?" means that if someone has done something that may caused injury. For example, when you've slipped in a football game, and your friend ask you "are you okay?" instead of "how are you?" . Therefore, using "are you okay?" in greeting part of a letter is inappropriate.

- Second, be careful of composing a sentence, especially a complex sentence. Remember, an accurate sentence should have at least 1 subject and 1 verb. An accurate complex sentence should consist more than 1 clause and connector. Missing one of them would make the sentence inaccurate and it would badly damage the final score of your letter. Just be more careful in the next practice later on.

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / "Bump, set, spike" COLLEGE ESSAY ADVICE! Volleyball Struggle Essay! [4]

I personally love the way how you deliver your thoughts in writing. And both the above comments are great inputs toward your essay. I agree with Kevin's idea; but at the same time, I find a pleasure reading your essay with such an attractive introduction you have. And so, my suggestion is, because I'm not the one who write it, to post the revision of the above essay based on the ideas from Kevin and you still retain the introductory part of yours. In other words, how if you combine the two parts into one? For instance, take one or two main ideas from "the angry" part in your essay as the introduction of your essay. So, how if you try to find the correlation between these ideas and restate it in your language style?

And to ease the reader to comment your essay, please use 1-enter every time you start a new paragraph because this will make your essay more impressive. Wish you luck and keep up the good works. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Sydney has more hours on daylight (2.473 hours) and it's more than twice comparing to London (1.180) [2]

Hello Daya, you may consider my inputs toward your essay as follows:

First paragraph:

- ...London and New York have similar weather induringthe winter time .
- Even thoughStill , London is the city withhasthe least hours of (...) two others cities.

Second paragraph:
- In months with cold temperature During the cold season,...
- ...both New York and Sydney are onin the same temperatures,.(full stop) These cities ...
- As the oppositeOn the contrary , Sydney has (...) November to March,. Its temperature remain steady around 25 degrees celsius.

Third paragraph:
- ... peaked on July in London and New York,with the latest (...) during a year onat 30 degree celsius degree .
- On the other hand, Sydney on July, Sydney faces its lowest (...) more than 15 Celsius degree celcius , less by around 10 ...

As you can see, there are some modifications in the above sentences. Hope these help. Cheers.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 Visitors Should Follow The Customs Of Local People Or The Host Should Welcome Other Cultures. [2]

Hi Farida. The following are several takes on your essay. I hope you can follow through:

- ... keep the tradition as the way they are by...
- ... can make people to boardenbroaden their horizon...
- People will easier to adapt in the different situation...
- Maybe for visitors it will be uncomfortable, but if they ...
- ... for visitors who come to their teritoriesterritories ...
- Maintaining the culture and not influencesinfluenced by others is not an easy thing to do (or you can say it as " is not an easy work") .

- ...because these days, many inhabitants ...

As you can see, please pay attention to the use of punctuation mark. It looks a minor problem, but it will turn to you if you do not notice that. And overall, I like the way you put your ideas because I think all the ideas are linked from one to each other. Keep practicing.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that being fashionable is extremely luxurious. For others it's a reasonable thing. [3]

Fadhilah, there are several things to be noticed here as follows:

First paragraph:
- Some people think that being think being fashionable is extremely a luxury.
- WhileOn the contrary, others argue that is reasonable because fashion hasplays essential role in life.
- I believe that even if fashion items cost too high,(put a comma here to make your essay better) it holds an important part in life Repetitive words, I suggest you to find any synonym or other words that you can use to replace this phrase.

Second paragraph:
- Sometimes, some people cotscost too much money to be a fashionista in particularly in women.
- ... latest fashion, and more detailed process than others.
- Finally, the best excellence fashion is cost too expensive but it is very acceptable for it it is worth to buy.

Third paragraph:
- In addition, although branded product is an expensive, but it is reasonable price forsome people still willing to buy it.I split the original sentence into two; the continuation is as follows .

- This because they put fashion as their priority. .
- For example, when someone looks styliststylish in the office thatwill directly influence their work and social level.
- .. item based on their money strengthfinancial .

For the last paragraph, I recommend you to add two sentences at least because a decent essay is usually has three sentences in each paragraph. Also, please be careful with lexical choice, spend more time on reading to help you solving the problems.

Writing Feedback / Data regarding water usage in six middle-east countries with three activities in 2000 [2]

Hi, the following are several takes on your essay:

- It is noticeable that agriculture was dominateddominant in four nations,..
- On the other hand, Bahrain usethe use of water in Bahrain, for this activity , is almost two-fifths and ...

Riandi, actually, the simplicity of how you transfer the data into an essay is good; all of the sentences are effective and accurate based on the chart. However, You must bear in mind that being overly simple has a major contribution toward your essay. In the second paragraph, you only wrote two paragraphs instead of three. A decent essay must contain at least three sentences so you can modify the above essay and let us know if you already revise it later.

In addition, the way of how you use wide ranges of diction is one of the best things I found in your essay. However, you may replace several words, for example: "dominant", with its synonym.

I hope you can get benefit from joining us here in EssayForum. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Happiness Percentages for Married and Unmarried, and How Happy Having Children in US [2]

Hello Hirani. To ease the other members in commenting your essay, please give 1-enter to separate each paragraph.
Now, let's have a closer look on your essay:

- But, people who did not marry,have the maximum proportions are only at 34 percent.
- InOn the other hand, the effect of...

In IELTS task 1, all you need to do is presenting the data. There is no intention to give your opinion regarding the table. Thus, please pay attention to the sentence which can be classified as an opinion. IELTS Task 1 sounds simple, yet it is quite challenging for those who are not accustomed to commenting on data. Furthermore, what you need to report in IELTS task 1 is the main points of the data. Therefore, you need to consider it carefully to choose which are the most distinctive data that one can put in his/her paper.

Good luck with your practice. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Being an entrepreneur has some risks and advantages, however it has more benefits than drawbacks [3]

Hello Fadillah, below are my feedbacks:

First paragraph:
- Some people think that choosing to start new enterprise is better than being ...
- Although, there are some risks and disadvantages to ...

Second paragraph:
- There are two main dangers and disadvantages when some people decide to work ownprivate business.

For the rests of the sentence, you may consider the following revision of mine:

Firstly, working as an entrepreneur is usually needs large amounts of money. It aims to make the enterprise remain stable. Otherwise, it will end up in bankruptcy. Furthermore, running a private business means that one's income is not always steady. In other words, one may not get incomes because the enterprise does not make a profit. Still, an entrepreneurship may be beneficial in several cases.

Third paragraph:
- ... who start their business tocan give other people a job vacancy.
- ... fully in compared with working in other's companiesother people who work for a company .
- ... in Colorado State University,found that people who (...) leaderships than other workers who are nota worker have leadership skill more than the others .

Be careful with missing main verb, lexical choice, and the flow of the ideas. Spending extra time on reading will help you to solve your problem. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Many people has acknowledged that internet makes their daily business more accessible [3]

Sony, I must admit that I like the way you write. Your introductory paragraph has a strong hook and you did paraphrase the prompt well. Still, there are several things that you need to consider as I explained as follows:

2nd paragraph:
- ThenFurthermore(because this is an academic writing, please use academic words) , online chat and social media has appeared.full stop This makes people are able to keep ...

- ... even several people are choosing video conferencecan talk directly by video call .
- As a consequence, human kind people are always connected, with their families ...

3rd paragraph:
- ... every aspects in people lives, thisincluding the trade sector, online shop isappears as a possible solution so thatfor people couldto buy goods and (...) so much effort by looking around .

- Taking eBay as an example, this U.S.-based online shop which sells a great number (...) reached via internet,.(full stop) Dwellers around the world are prone ...

Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / People's lives are much more comfortable since the introduction of cutting-edge the internet [2]

Hi Permata, with regards to your essay, I can say that this is one example of a good essay. There is no problem with the ideas because you know what you want to express in your essay. Still, I suggest you to give 1-enter to separate each paragraph as well as to make the reader easier in reading your essay. Now for the analysis of your essay:

- A good example of this is one of the popular websites in Indonesia namely jakartapost ...
(I think this sentence is quite long. A lengthy sentence may confuse the reader so you need to break up into two sentences at least)

- ... trading increased dramatically since introducedthe introduction of online shop.
- ... gain larger markets, audiences,(please put a comma) and create..
- As a result, life stylelifestyle has become so sedentary..
- ... the internet users from the threat of cyber crime which became one of the dangerous accidents .

One more thing, you need to consider that there is a word limit for the IELTS writing task 2. Unfortunately, the above essay only consists of 248 words. This may affect your score so please pay attention to this in your later practice. Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Writing Test 3 About Agree and Disagree [3]

Hello Aida, two thumbs for your efforts in attempts to achieve a high score on IELTS. I have read through your essay and it looks like you have many things to do prior to following the real examinations.

Firstly, a good essay always attracts readers' interest to read it. One of the keys is the use of a variety of words. You can substitute one or two words with its synonym to make your essay looks good to the reader. However, you need to consider that the synonym that you are going to use is appropriate to the context of your writing so please check your dictionary first.

Secondly, be careful with mistyping. I found that you wrote environment as "environtment". Although this is a minor mistake, it will turn into a serious problem if it keeps happened. To avoid this, you can do a self-correction prior to posting your essay to the EF.

Thirdly, read a lot. You will gain more knowledge regarding writing styles, grammar, and vocabularies through reading. You can start by reading some examples of people's IELTS essays. You will learn what aspects that makes they got a high score or what you can do to avoid the mistakes that you found in the essay.

And finally, I am pretty sure that you will be able to write an excellent essay if you keep practice and read more. No need to worry, the big family of EF will always here to help you. Regards

Writing Feedback / Individuals are too limited to make a difference in the environmental development [2]

Hi Ilham, I find in reading your essay. It's a well-written essay; the flow of your ideas is good and the argument is acceptable. To enhance your writing further, please consider my contributions as follows:

- ...produce several technologies havingwith many benefits...
- This is because the big companies have the power to...
- On the other hand, the situation will remain worst if people do (...) and develop their circumstancesenvironment(this word is suitable than "circumstances") , the situation will not be finer.

- This is because people's behavior is the main causedetermine whether the environment ...
- ... companies, and people must collaborate with each other to create the better situation in the future.
- ... engage in environmental impacts, . whereas moreFor instance, the environmental impact resulted from the rapid development of some larger businesses.(I have modified the sentence)

In addition, a good essay consists of three sentences in each paragraph. Thus, you can split of the sentences in the above essays. This also makes your writing looks more readable because sometimes a lengthy sentence may confuse the reader.

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 & Task 2 : Participation Levels in Science and Education [3]

Hi Aziz,

I assume that to avoid suspension from this forum, you need to post a single essay in a single thread. A thread that consists of multiple essays is not allowed. Therefore, you need to post in separated thread next time.

Anyway, here's my contributions.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chatscharts give the information about participation levels in science and education depensdepends on developing and industrialised countries inbetween 1980 and 1990.
- In generalOverall, it can be seen that, industrialised countries waswere higher than any developing countries in all catagories.categories.
- In any caseIn this case , there was a gradual increase in participation levels during 10 years period .

2nd paragraph:
- Industrialised countries spent more years of schooling inbetween 1980 and 1990.
- Some conditions happenedin participationbecause of scientist and technicians, theytheir participationswaswere higher than any developing countries in both years.
- There was a significatsignificant growth in research and development of industrialised countriesduring from 1980 to 1990.

As you can see, your essay was suffering from structural or technical issues. Pay more attention to it next time. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Recruitment English Teacher and French Teacher in Ontario between 2001 and 2007 [5]

Hi Atikah,

The detailed descriptions below are my contributions toward your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The line graph gives the information about how many graduationthe number of graduates who choose become a teacherto be teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.

- Overall, it can be seen that, although English and French language teachers started at the same point in 2001the beginning of the periodbut eventually, they had different result in 2007.ended up with distinctive result in the end of the period.

- Moreover, w hen the number of French language teachers ...

2nd paragraph:
- According to the data, from 2001 to 2003, people who work (...) being recruited were declined by 40 percent from 2001 to 2003 .
- InOn the other hand, (...) enrollment of French educationers teachers (teacher is a shared language, you cannot just simply use other words to represent that word) , starting inat 70 percent in 2001 but it fell by 19 percent, and ...

- In the following year ... (3rd sentence needed)

As you can see, there are still a lot works to be done. Keep practicing to develop your writing skill. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The percentage of first-year teachers with regular teaching jobs by year of graduation in Ontario [4]

Hi Fadhila,

Here's my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The chart gives the information about the percentage of fresh graduate students who are recruited as English language teachers...
- Overall, it can be seen that, although both of them started in the almostvirtually the same level, but it was presentdisplayed different trends.

- English educators aspect showed a downward trend and other presented considerable, large, marked, sharp, violent, wide, wild | local, minor | rapid | short-term | cyclical, periodic, regular, seasonal fluctuation. drift.(inappropriate collocation, I've showed you some of the words that can collocate with "fluctuation)

I have no idea why it seems so difficult to remind people to write at least three sentences for a paragraph in IELTS essay. The idea is to have you present complete thought and understanding about the chart that you were provided. So, the following paragraph still need work:

- According to... (1st sentence)
- On the other hand,... (2nd sentence)
- In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The chart shows the alteration of kinds of crime that happened in Newport city center (2003-2012) [3]

Hi Fikni, welcome to EssayForum :)

I reckon that you need to consider posting a thread that only consist of 1 type of essay. Posting 2 essays in a single thread is not suggested because people are more likely to focus on seeing one of them only. My suggestion is that you can just post 1 essay for the next thread. However, I would like to focus on the first part of your prompt, particularly Writing Task 1.

First of all, the task is pretty clear about the minimum words limit. It needs 150 words or more than that. Your essay was only 138 words. This makes you failed to answer the prompt properly and lower your band score to 4 or 5 if you are lucky enough in the real exam. Just pay more attention to it in the next practice.

Second of all, you need to keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay should have at least 3 sentences. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding about the chart/picture/diagram that you were provided. Writing only 2 sentences for each paragraph would not be enough and it also will badly damage your final score later on.

As you can see, those two parts of suggestion is quite simple yet important. Try to be more careful next time. No need to rush, you have 20 minutes to do task 1 correctly and appropriately. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Stepping to IELTS Writing: Conclusion, Body, and Example [2]

Hi Yusuf,

Instead of seeing/checking the content, I would like to focus on giving feedback related to technical details in "the last part for example" part in your thread. I hope you can follow through and gain some insights.

Points for
- The spread of the Internet is a positive development...
- A good example of this is the flowsflow of scholarship information...
- Online forums provide readily availablethe availability of informationtothat keep people to receive quickly numerousrapid updates and evenincluding the scholarships' deadline reminder.

- ... information which spread to usersat these days, makingmake people easier to gain details and relevant updates easier.

Against for:Points against:
- ... also drawbacks because of the easy access to dangerous sites. (just want to remind you that article "the" is used when you've already mentioned it in the preceding paragraph or it is "the only one".)

- For instance, in social media such as Facebook or Twitter,userspeople canare free to share any kinds of information freely on Facebook or Twitter, including posting a link that associated with pornography website on their wallinappropriate post related to pornography or another disturbing content on their Facebook news feed or Twitter timeline.

As you can see Yusuf, some parts still need some revisions and modifications to reach a well-written essay, especially when it comes to structural issues. However, you don't need to hesitate to seek an answer for your curiosity. I am really excited if I am able to help. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / French-language teachers were recruied more often from 2001 to 2007, in contrast to English tutors [3]

Hi Risa,

Here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

- The line graph illustrates a number of teachers following recruitmentteachers selection in Ontario by year of graduation. (comma, new sentence)It is measured in percentageover a 7-year period from 2001 to 2007. divided by English-language teachers and French-language teachers.

- Overall, it can be seen that , French-language teachers experienced a slightlyslight increase from 2001 to 2007over a 7-year period while the percentage of English-language teachers waswitnessed a significant fall at theduring the same period.

However, aside from the above-mentioned feedback, I notice that you've failed to develop your essay clearly. A strong and well-developed paragraph should have at least 3 sentences for each. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 1 or 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Percentage of The New Teachers in The Usual Teaching Jobs [4]

Hi Hirani,

Here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- The line chart presents the information about...
- The periodIt was conducted from 2001 to 2007.
- Overall, it can be seen that, English-language teachers and French-Language teachers on the first term almost started in the same percentage on the first term but eventually, it ended in the extremely different points.

2nd paragraph:
- In 2001, the percentage of someone (...) teacher was more than Frenchthat percentage.
- In the nextfollowing year, both of criteria experienced a large downward, in contrast with the following time.a decline that was contrasted to the previous period.

- ... slightly nevertheless another criteria was steady fell steadily .

As you can see, some modifications are still needed to achieve a well-written essay. Pay more attention on sentence structure and do not forget to upload a picture about this essay. This would help the reader to read and check your essay. Good luck for the next practice :)

Scholarship / 'I am really interested in this program' - Statement for Korean Government Scholarship Program 2017 [2]

Hi Yolanda, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that you've struggled really hard in composing this essay and therefore, I would like to help you achieving a well-written essay. However, it is unfortunate that you haven't answered the prompt properly yet. Answering the prompt is the most important part that you must achieve in order to pass the selection committee. Focusing on the content first rather than technical details like grammar and punctuation would be beneficial towards your essay development later on. Thus, I'd like to give you some of my insights related to the content in the detailed descriptions below.

Basically, this essay is quite simple. The prompt is pretty clear to the reader. Those are..

- Motivations with which you apply for this program (1st paragraph)
- Personal background in family and education (2nd paragraph)
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you (3rd paragraph)

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences (4th paragraph)
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc. (5th paragraph)

The average words for each paragraph is 180. 180 is multiplied with 5 paragraphs equal to 900 words. See? You can just write 450 words for each page. But, I think that the organization of your essay is really messy. First, you've exceeded the words limit, 2 pages long in A4 format. You have to reduce some paragraphs of the essay. Second, "contractions" should not be used in this type of essay. Contractions only make the essay becomes less formal.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / It Is Easy to be Healthy - but not for everyone [3]

Hi Risa,

I would like to focus on the content of your essay instead of technical issues that you've experienced because I think you've made quite a serious mistake about your idea development.

First, you've mentioned "In this case, I do agree that a healthy lifestyle is a possible thing and easy to be practiced if we have a strong will." in the last sentence of your introduction. Then, in the first body paragraph you've mentioned about why healthy lifestyle is difficult to be achieved. However, the second body paragraph of your essay stated that "Actually, there is a trick to preserve health. It is called 'discipline'." My question is that where is the STRONG WILL that you've stated earlier? Missing the correlation of ideas would BADLY damage the coherence and cohesion and task response part of your essay. You can just say "people can achieve a good-state of health if they have a strong/iron will to be discipline". This will give a better coherent rather than just mention "discipline".

These are the descriptions of them that I've taken from IELTS writing band descriptors of Task 2.
- presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported(band 4 for task response)
- presents information and ideas but these are NOT arranged coherently (band 4 for coherence and cohesion)

My suggestion is that please be more careful in developing your ideas. You have to correlate what you state in the introduction with the ideas that you mention in body paragraphs and concluding paragraph. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 3: MAKING CONCLUSION AND BODY PARAGRAPH [2]

Hi Hary,

I would like to focus only on number 1, 2, and 3 of this thread. Here's my analysis towards them.

Conclusion 1:
- To conclude, despite the fact that import enables a country to obtain good with high qualityhigh quality goods which can't becannot be produced by our country(unclear. "our country" doesn't mean the reader's country. You need to be more specific. You can just mention the country's name) due to limited the human resources, import(comma, because you've put "despite" there. This is a sentence with more than one clause) of goods couldcan lead to conflict in the domestic value because of the social value acceptance.

- Import will killis going to damage the domestic industries because they can'tare not able to compete. So thatTherefore, I believe that import would drive(inappropriate collocation)gain/have/get/bring more disadvantages forto ...

Conclusion 2:
- In conclusion, accepting children to become potential labor would give advantages in both employee and employer in short-term.
- On the other hand , itthis would alsogetbringmany disadvantages a lotforto the children's future. (advantage is collocated only with preposition "to/in/over".)

Conclusion 3:
- Therefore, I strongly/heartily/completely/entirely/fully agree a lot to adopt social community ... (another collocation problem)

As you can see Hary, you have noticeable weakness on collocation. Therefore, learning more about them would be helpful towards your future practice. Hope this helps :)

Scholarship / 'Master of cancer drug discovery is only available at Bradford' - applying Chevening Scholars [3]

Hi Angela, here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- I am really sure that the prompt is pretty clear about 3 university courses. I assume that the correct one is to choose 1 course for each university. Thus, you have to choose 3 universities and pick a course from each of them. Choosing 2 courses in a university and another course in different university would be inappropriate. Perhaps, you can contact Chevening through this link chevening.org/contact-us to make you sure about this. If, for example, you have written a correct answer, you can just ignore my feedback in this paragraph and I would like to say sorry for making you worry about this.

2nd paragraph:
- You have no serious issues in this paragraph.

3rd paragraph:
- I don't think that personal pronoun "we" is needed in this paragraph. You've used some of them in which this makes your essay becomes less formal. Over-using personal pronouns is one of the think that should be avoided. Furthermore, you've said "you would contribute your learning for the patients", the question is what patients? I think that if you elaborate or at least describe it further what kind of patients that you're talking about. This would be nice in developing your essay and improving the clarity itself.

As you can see Angela, you can post the revision under my comment and I would like to focus on grammatical range and accuracy later on. Perhaps, you can also confirm my assumption in the first paragraph by contacting Chevening committees. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / The Problems of People Who Stay in Foreign Country [4]

Hi Hirani,

Please do remember to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease the reader in reading and checking your essay. Joining all paragraphs like what you've done is not suggested at all. However, I have an alternative paragraph for the introduction part of your essay. I hope you can follow through.


A breakdown of the information about expatriates' integration problems while staying in overseas is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the percentage of people ranging from 18-34 age group to people over 55 age group. Overall, it can be seen that, all age groups experience problems in healthcare, and middle-aged group is predominant.

That's it Hirani, I hope this helps :)

Scholarship / 'eldest child in my family' - Essays for applying Chevening Scholars [3]

Hi Angela, here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- I graduated withfrom ....... Universityas a Bachelor of Pharmacy...
- My first posting(I have no idea what this means. is it workplace or what?) was at Tachileik Myanmar...
- I amwas the very first regulatory pharmacist when ourthis department iswas founded at there.in that place .
- ItThis department was not familiar to the people as there haswas no FDA department before.
- My responsibilities includedthe inspection of theinspect pharmacies, regulate the import-export of pharmaceutics, and advocate the public for health education. (should be paralleled)
- Therefore, (comma needed) I requested the chairman ...

2nd paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that I got the negative feedback from people when the unregistered importation of medicines werewas arrested. (singular)
- As they never know about the National Drug Law, they failed to apply for importation license.
- It is difficult for the people to understand the terms and conditions of the registration process. (not all nouns can use article "the". please be careful)

- Thus, (comma needed after a cohesive device) I involved every trade promoting meeting...
- It took almost six months to be accepted by the traders and the agencies gradually.(I have no idea why did you put "gradually" there. Did you mean respectively/successively?)

- The Department of Customs projected custom clearing agents' (an apostrophe needed) class...

As you can see Angela, there are some works that you still need to do. I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be helpful. I left the other two paragraphs to be corrected by others or you yourself by using some clues that I've given for the first and the second paragraph. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Before I die i want to.... (doing what you want) [4]

Hi Eka, here's my help towards your TED summary.

- Chandy Chang is one of the people who cares...
- She has used simple methodtools/devices such as sticker, pencil, and chalk.
- She has conducted a project that requires her to ask some questionS to the society in the public spaces.
- For example, she asked about how much myher neighbour paid for staying in a flat, how wepeople can share our memorytheir memories and how wepeople can share our caretheir concerns to others.

- She thought a lot about death, and then she eventually changed her exterior wallwall exterior design of her house into (...) everyone can write histheir desires before theydieddie . because it is a large board with fill the blank question(unrelated)This huge blackboard has a fill-in-the-blank question that everyone can fill. It said "before I die I want to..."

Overall, my suggestion is that you need to pay more attention on how to connect sentences together in order to create a summary that has good coherence and cohesion. Avoid creating such complicated sentences if you are not really sure/mastered that type of sentence. Clarity is a must. This can help people easily read and understand your summary.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Challenge of Starting Introductory Writing, Will You Address Some Suggestions? [3]

Hi Yusuf,

Here's my analysis towards your IELTS introduction practices.

Question 1:
- Well-done! This is an outstanding introduction. You've properly written all necessary points clearly. You have used sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. Keep up the good work for this one! :)

Question 2:
- Instead of writing this "As such, I will discuss both perspectives in the following paragraphs." , it is better to state the reason in brief why paid work for children is completely wrong, or why it is valuable. Avoid creating a similar introduction like this one, I do really like your first introduction rather than this one.

Question 3:
- I would stand on the proponent side to support as such policy due to the following reasons.(what reasons? another unclear stance/position. If you keep doing this, your essay will not be able to reach 6 or above) Remember, clear overall-progression (the outline of your thesis statement) is one of the criteria for band 6.

That's it Yusuf, I hope this helps. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The chart gives information about problems that people who live abroad may face. [3]

Hi Atikah,

Apart from technical issues related to grammatical range and accuracy, I would like to focus on other things. I hope you can follow through.

- First of all, it is unfortunate that you forgot to upload the picture. This would make the reader or examiner feel difficult to assess your writing and your score can't be predicted this time.

- Second of all, your essay was only 147 words in which it is not adequately answered the question given in IELTS task 1. Remember, "inappropriate format" is one of the criteria of band 4. This is totally dangerous. Make sure at least you fulfill the very first task, write MORE THAN 150 words. It is suggested for you to aim for 165 minimum or 190 maximum.

- Third of all, avoid writing a personal pronoun or some personal pronouns in IELTS task 1 essay (you wrote "us" there.) . This would be also dangerous and should be avoided.

As you can see Atikah, some suggestions have been delivered clearly. I hope you can gain more improvements in the next practice. :)

Writing Feedback / Question one, two and three - several introduction of IELTS task 2 [2]

Hi Erpin, welcome to EssayForum

I can see that you still experience some difficulties in composing a well-developed and strong introduction paragraph for IELTS task 2. I have several tips that might be useful for your future practices.

- Never left an idea behind. For instance, in your first introduction you wrote "However, there are several advantages and disadvantages of this trend." What are those? What are the advantages and disadvantages? If you only write like this, I am afraid that you'll only get 3 or 4 in terms of task response(does not express a clear position (band 3) or presents a position or this is unclear (band 4)). Besides, your response is incorrect. "benefits outweigh drawbacks" question is different from "advantage and disadvantage" essay. Also, you need to remember that position is CRUCIAL in IELTS task 2.

- My suggestion is that, you need to state your position clearly since the very first part of your essay, particularly in thesis statement. For this type of question (Do the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks?), you can say "In my opinion, the drawbacks of global trade are eclipsed by its benefits in the sense that people will obtain goods for their daily needs easier than before."

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Who loves his boss? Relationships level at work - IELTS - Writing Task 1 [2]

Hi Nurul,

1st paragraph:
- ..there was a slightlyslight change in the proportion of ...

2nd paragraph:
- ...increased from 61 percent to 65 percent during period.(during WHAT period? unclear)
- In contrast, the figure for good and fair category declined... (in what year? another unclear information)
- ............ for both poor and no supervisor levels in such years.(what year? I didn't see any years since the beginning of the paragraph)

At first, I thought your writing is getting better but I've just realized that some IMPORTANT points related to the data that you've missed has ruined the whole essay. This is not a good habit at all. If the picture has a clear data about time (year), you HAVE TO describe it clearly not only in the first paragraph, but also in the entire essay, especially when it comes to the most noticeable differences or stages. Remember, "NO DATA to support the description" is one of the criteria that makes your band score can only reach 5.0. I hope to see more improvements from the next practice. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Personal Narrative Essay Topic: write about something that impacted your life, must be in past tense [4]

Hi Ruhee, welcome to EssayForum :)

I would like to focus on your content instead of grammatical range and accuracy. In brief, your essay is about your "shocking" past experience. I would prefer to say "shocking" rather than "surprising" because this wasn't a surprising story at all. Surprising / surprise means something positive but the impact of this issue tends to be negative. Your sense of safety and security had gone since that day. I assume that this makes you think that "home sweet home" doesn't exist. Instead, it is a traumatic experience.

Apart from the content, I just want to make sure about something. The topic was "write about something that impacted your life, must be in past tense". Why don't you make it clearer whether positive or negative impact? This can possibly make the reader convinced that you've been answered the prompt properly. Determining the positive of negative impact is really crucial, and it should be placed in the introduction part in argumentative essay or orientation part in narrative essay.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Producing electricity using two methods: hydroelectric dam and wave air generator [4]

Hi Atikah, the detailed descriptions below are my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- ... electricity can be madegenerated(inappropriate collocation, electricity is not something that we can made, but we can generate) from water by using two methods: .... (no space needed before a colon)

- Both of methods have same devices ...
- However, wave air generator is more simplesimpler than hydroelectric dam.

2nd paragraph:
- First, hydroelectric dam consists of gate, resevoirreservoir , pen-stock , turbine, spindle, and generator.
- ...and the amount of water comeflows into pen-stock .
- The quicknessspeed of water flow is dependingdepends on the width and ...
- Fastly,Then, the water head to the generator quickly and twist the turbine and spindle.
- AsWhen the tools rotate, the generator startingstarts to produce electric power and it is distributed by power lines.

As you can see Atikah, your essay still needs some modifications in terms of grammatical range and accuracy. Be more careful in the next practice by considering the above-mentioned feedback. You can also keep practicing by proofreading the rest of your essay. I hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / People rather choose sitting in the sofa, watch the show, and get information about other countries [3]

Hi Dina, here's my analysis of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- NowadaysThese days , a lot ofmost TV channels...
- People rather choose sitting in the sofa and watching the show they want to know, including the information / news about other countries.
- For many, thisMost people are more likely to changechanged when they began to travel.
- They started to learn many thingS about culture, (...) for experiencing itselfthemselves than just seeingwatching it in the TV.

Apart from the above-mentioned grammatical issues, I reckon that this essay has not answered the question properly yet. Remember, thesis statement is really essential to state your position. You need to mention your position clearly in order to reach a high band score. You have to use IELTS writing band descriptors as your guidance to check whether your essay has already fulfilled the criteria of a high band score or not. These are some points that are essential to be described here:

- "presents a clear position throughout the response" (band 7),
- "presents a relevant position although the conclusion may become unclear or repetitive" (band 6),
- "expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn" (band 5).

By using this descriptors as your guidance, I believe that you are more likely to achieve your desirable score later on. Good luck for the next practice :)