Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Children are raised by grandparents. How family is affected? [7]


.... this sentence is pretty confusing... what does it really mean?
This is the approach I suggest to you for the intro-
Begin your essay with a good hook (first sentence which is very catchy, interesting and relevant). Then explain the background of the issue. Finally, state your opinion. Since this is a task which is very time sensitive, follow an appropriate structure for that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Letter - Write to a friend inviting him/her to watch a movie [4]

... Between the first and the second sentences, it is better if you established a link;
Hope this letter finds you in good health. It's been such a long time that we have met last and I thought we should meet up again soon. I have a good idea to make it happen and I feel it is great if we could watch a movie together. So, I invite you to join me for the movie , "????" (name of the movie) on ???????? (date and other details)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: "International Day" - Letter to the principal [2]

I am so happy to hear the news that a great event "International Day" is going to holdbe held at Sum college next week and it is an honor for me to give a speech in front of my classmates.

This is my suggestion;
I am so grateful for the invitation to make a speech at the International Day which is scheduled to be held on the ????? (date) at Sum College. I consider this as a very important opportunity for me to build up my confidence in public speaking.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Prevention is better than cure. Agree or not? 'materialistic diversion' [9]


Good intro. :)
In my opinion, this plan should be put into practice for the two reasons mentioned accordingly.
No one can arguedeny the importance to includeincluding health lessons in school programmes, especially at primary level, in the hope of raising the level of people's awareness on health and hygiene.

Writing Feedback / My pets - chicks; Yun Tai Mountain attractions [3]


... I wish you changed the order of this sentence;
When I was ten years, my parents had me accompanied with them to the famous Yun Tai mountain in Henan Province which is one of the major tourist attraction of that province.


On the last day of our trip, we visited the Souvenir Street which offered a vast collection of souvenirs for the visitors.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- CAPITAL PUNISHMENT; 51% countries have polished death penalty [5]

Hi,


... well, this is your intro and you really do not have to give examples in the intro. That may take your time too and this task has a major bearing on time. So, I would suggest you to follow this approach for your intro-

First open your intro with a hook statement (your first line would be fine for this purpose) Then introduce the background of the issue.


... this is fine.
Finally state your opinion clearly.
Personally, I think itthere is no evidence about the reduction of crime rates due to theenforcing death penalty because of many reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of visitors to three London museums. [8]


This is not a good point to come in your OVERVIEW. Here you should present the main trends and observations. This is just basic information which should have been in the intro.


Well, there are more obvious and better trends than what you have explained above. See my suggestion;
The British museum maintained the highest number of visitors per month in summer against the other two museums while the Science museum recorded the least number of visitors. Both the British and Science museums had shown an increase in the number of visitors by the end of summer while the Natural History museum had recorded a decline in the number of visitors towards the end of summer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: increased sport facilities vs other measures. Discuss both views. [3]

According to some people, increased number of sports facilities can be the best way to reduce the number of sicknessesgrowing number of health issues and improve public health.


Well, you do not adequately present the background of the issue. It says that one set of people believe that increased number of sports facilities help improve public health while others believe they do not. You ignore the opposite view completely in the intro. This introduction of the issue is important and it should be passed to the reader in its original sense.

Graduate / Motivation letter - International Business and Management [2]

One of the best lessons that I gotlearned in my life is from the proverb 'A man without an aim, like a ship without radar'. (stop here)Thiswhich is the base ofmy motto for my career, to estimate the zenith where I want to see myself.

Rightsince the commencement ofSince my undergraduate studyyears , the field of business attracted me so much that from that time onwardI startedgot me to dream of pursuing my higher studies in life that deal with business and management.

Try and avoid redundancy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: keep your old friends or make new friends? I've ever had just few friends [3]

Well, you need to improve a lot on your approach for this introduction. I have provided an approach for the intro in many other threads and hope you would find it in this forum. If you don't click on my user name and you'll be navigated to all the threads for which I have provided feedbacks. Pick the ones with TOEFL in their title :)

In short, your intro needs to contain a good hook, introduction to the background of the issue and your opinion on the issue :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Tourism: good or bad? - it's a modern form of colonialism [14]


Impressive intro :)


.... What do you mean by "in a way it is meant to be"?
I feel it reads better without that part;
First of all, tourism plays an indispensable role in nurturing the economy


... you have the tendency for constructing too complicated sentences for very simple ideas. That gives more work for the reader to understand the content which he would not like for sure , so does your examiner :D

You write well, but give more priority for clarity of your ideas :)

Writing Feedback / Parents - the main factor effect personality on person; Fatherhood vs motherhood [4]


Ok, then mention that in the title itself so that it helps you earn more feedbacks and task relevant comments :)

Parents wereare the main factor effectmost important people when it comes to influencing one's personality of a person .


Ok, have a look at the above two lines. They are very loosely connected with each other. You describe the role played by parents in shaping up one's personality and suddenly jump into who decides having babies.... you need to set up a better link between the lines, otherwise your flow would be disturbed.

Writing Feedback / Smoking should be made prohibited in public places : IELTS [2]


Well, your prompt has asked you -


.... this is more direct and asks you about your opinion. So, you too should express your view on that directly without making general and vague statements. Tell that you agree with the view if you do, otherwise say you don't agree.

I have provided you a good approach for your intro in one of your other threads. Hope it would help you polish your approach for intro :)


Very good body para :) Glad to meet a Sri Lankan here in this forum. I am too from SL :) ...
You write very well - use the direct speech more in your writing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People have different views about who is responsible for raising chilrden [6]


Well, you do not sufficiently introduce the background of the issue. The issue is about whose responsibility of bringing up children to be good citizens ? Parents or teachers? You should have elaborated on that fact more as your entire essay revolves around that and you need to tell the reader about it :)

That's why children tend to imitate them in adiffrentmany different ways.
In fact, children imprint their parents (the best word is "imprint which means that kids follow their parents' actions and characteristics)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 : Line graph essay of expenditure on phone services in America [4]


.... "average yearly the consumer pending"? This phrase spoils your intro.... Also, mention the period in more details (for e.g. 2001- 2010 instead of 10 years) Be very clear and concise when you respond to this task;

The line graph illustrates the details of average annual spending on mobile and land line telephone services by US citizens during 2001 to 2010.
It is clear that spending on landline services have a dramatic decline, while it had a major increase on mobile services increaseslightlyat aduring the decade.

It is not a slight increase, but a major one :)

Writing Feedback / ielts: the reason why sports competions has replaced war [6]


This is not a good opening. You should open your essay with a sentence that can hook the reader throughout your essay. It should be meaningful, relevant and interesting idea. This sentence does not have those qualities :(


However, others believe otherwise.


.... Express your view directly. Reader needs to know what you believe :) When you say "It is believed" , then it becomes a general belief. So say - I believe

Writing Feedback / IELTS: working in team enhances the students' efficiency in the study process [9]

Some people are in favour of studying alone, while others find studying in groups is more beneficial.
There are two reasons for my perspectives on this.why I believe studying in a group is a more effective way to study.


Good intro :)
It is true that a positive surrounding atmosphere created by teamwork's activitiesthe team is more likely to generate students' enthusiasm as well as give them a significant incentive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Doing same things vs Making change - Which is good? [5]


... good hook :)

AcceptingTaking up challenges means taking more risk. ThusHowever, some will encouterwillingly look forward to encountering change and overcome itregardlessgiving less consideration about what sort of outcome they may bring the result.


.... I think it would be more interesting for the reader to learn your opinion at this point. This sentence sounds a bit too vague :(

Writing Feedback / ielts: different causes of car accidents and some solutions [6]


Why do you have the lines separated here. I guess this is your introduction and if so, there is no reason for you to separate the first sentence from the rest. Also, you need to be very careful with spelling too :)

I suggest you to have these features in your introduction - Have a hook statement to open your essay that can grab the reader's attention. Your hook should be interesting, relevant and meaningful. Then introduce the background of the issue to the reader. You can simply paraphrase the prompt for this purpose. Then state your opinion on the issue and conclude your intro :)

Undergraduate / "No English" University of Florida Application Essay [4]

LeadHaving led into a new country by my parents I encountered strange people with a different countenance and language then me.with what I was quite unfamiliar.


I was quite alien to my surroundings and felt lost in every way.
As I trytried to adapt to my new life another shift in my life happened, I was going to school.
Maintain one tense :)

Writing Feedback / to acquire some certain skills, people usually need to be trained by education [5]

For IELTS Task 2, you should at least write 4 para essay. (It is better if you can manage 5 paras). The approach should be an Introduction, 2-3 Body paras and a Conclusion. This essay contains only 3 paras and it is difficult to identify your intro and body paras. Introduce the background of your topic to the reader and state your opinion in the intro. Since this essay prompt asks you to discuss both views, have one body para to discuss one side and the other to discuss the opposite side. Have specific examples to support your reasoning. Finally end your essay with a conclusion that sums up everything you said before and reinstates your opinion.

Undergraduate / Describe an important decision that you made - ENGLISH TEACHER [4]


... I suggest this way;
My decision of choosing University of Pedagogy is one of the most important decisions I ever made.


... the word "about" is getting repeated too often. You should rephrase this again to arrange a better flow of your ideas.
But you may feelwould be surprised when you finish reading my story.
Following your dream is good but it would be better if you can fulfill your parents' wish too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - The gender issue for getting education needs [6]


wrong grammar :(
Issues relating to gender discrimination have already been in discussion over the past years. ... this is your hook.


You do not clearly explain the background of your issue to the reader. This is not exactly what your prompt has suggested. It is;
This debate extends to university admission criterion too. Some people argue that the universities should maintain a fare balance of their student intake by accepting admission of male and female in equal numbers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Teachers should attend courses - knowledge should be up to date [3]

You write very well - good grammar, vocabulary, ideas etc. However, I wonder whether it is wise to spend so much time on your intro as this task has a major bearing on time. Have you been able to finish the essay within 30 mins? If not, cut down on details. Have a good hook to open your essay (the first sentence here is alright) Then quickly move on to explain the reader about the background of the issue. You can do that by simply paraphrasing the prompt. Then express your opinion in the last sentence of your intro. That approach would be enough for you to earn a decent score for your intro and impress your examiner :)

Scholarship / Nha Trang - Describe your hometown [4]


The first thing one would suggest as the most interesting feature in Nha Trang would be its beautiful beaches.


The word "beach" gets repeated too frequently :(


Moreover, there are plenty of other activities for one to join in and have fun.
At night, you may see some performances concludingincluding both traditional and modern one.

Writing Feedback / Story about why the dog 'Jaw' was sold by the owner [4]


Stanley is a guy who is unmarried and studies up to high school graduation.

He lived alone in a condominium property. ... it should be - he lives (present tense) / he lived (past tense)
As he had no wife nor girlfriend, he felt lonely and depressed at times. He decided to buy a dog to accompany him so that he won't feltfeel lonely any more.

He searched the entire pet shop in vain but still, he isn'twasn't satisfied about the dog he found there.with the dogs who were there for sale.

Don't mix up the tenses :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people in the modern world [4]

Your essay looks pretty lengthy? Have you been able to finish it on time? Time is a critical factor for this task. If you didn't finish it on time, then try and cut down on the body paras :) You really do not have to spend too much time on one idea. For example;

.... Try and avoid redundancy because you may run out of time to complete the task , which should be your primary objective.

They are the ones who bring the wind of refreshments, known as dynamic and creative notions, that contributes considerably to the community.
In this essay you need to maintain the comparison between the two generations. In some paras you do that , but not in all paras :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Rejecting job opportunities - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [4]


I think you follow a suitable approach for the intro.It should contain the features such as a hook, background of the issue and a conclusion. I have given this approach in others' IELTS threads and if you need details, you may easily find them :)

First of all, it is hard for people to live without jobs toand afford their living costs.ApparentlyIn such instances, our societies have to spend lots of money on the welfare and charity programs in order to help unemployed people to sustain their lives.

You write very well - good approach, grammar, vocabulary,ideas ... :)

Undergraduate / 'community feel of the campus' - BARNARD COLLEGE ESSAY: WHY BARNARD? [4]

Ok....however, it is better if you included your essay prompt also in the post so that we know exactly what it requires and accordingly check whether your answer is aligned with those requirements.


.... well, I do not think this sentence made much meaningful contribution to your response. Try and avoid talking about general stuff and get more focus on to yourself. I believe you have a strict word count and therefore make use of every word to help them understand you as a person , thereby a deserving candidate :)

Writing Feedback / Governments should support public transport - important factor of social welfare [3]

Anyway, your essay looks pretty short :)


.... Had your prompt asked whether you agree on that statement, then you better clearly state that you agree/disagree or partially agree. It is always better to express your opinion before concluding your intro.


Well, you essay looks like almost a speech :) If you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL, then better you begin your body paragraphs with the reason as to why you hold a particular opinion. Then you should support that reason with a specific example. Also, you should have one reason per body para :)

Writing Feedback / Freedom of speech is mother of democracy [4]


Yes, I agree with eddies :) It is very important to know the purpose of your writing as then we can provide you with more meaningful and task relevant feedbacks. Please include the purpose (TOEFL, IELTS etc.) in the title itself.


You write very well. You have given a great start to your essay with an impressive hook :) However, if you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL, then you better be concerned about the approach that helps you earn marks as well as handle your time efficiently because your target should be to complete the task having all the features that earn you marks. So, if this essay is for one of those purposes, after the hook, introduce the topic to the reader and then state your opinion before concluding the intro.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay: House or a business. Which would you choose to buy? [4]

First, you need to present your essay in a more tidy manner. This is pretty difficult to read as your sentences are scattered all over. If your essay looks more presentable, they you would earn more feedbacks as well.

I can see you write very well. However, you need to have your paragraphs clearly separated. You need to have an introduction, body paragraphs (at least two) and a conclusion if you aim to earn a good score for this task. Introduce the topic and then state your opinion on the issue in the intro. Then give one reason per body para to justify your opinion. Don't forget to include a specific example to support the reason too. Have at least two such body paras and then write a conclusion by summing up what you said previously and reinstating your opinion.

Writing Feedback / The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers. [3]


I don't find this a catchy way to open your essay. It is always better to begin your essay with a very clear, interesting idea that provides a smart entrance to your essay.


These days / This day
As new technology has its both advantages and disadvantages , the e-mailstoo havehas some defectivenegative effects to its their users.


... well, in emails too, you can use the speller checker which is a tool for correcting spelling mistakes.


The paper based mails need to be physically delivered to the recipient which takes a longer time.

Writing Feedback / To be successful in studying, students should have a good method to learn effectively. [6]

I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS. It is good if you mention that purpose in the title itself so that we could provide you with more task related feedbacks.

To be successful in studying, students should havefollow a good method to learn effectivelylearning approach.


You present this idea in a bit confusing way. When I first read it, I found this line disturb your flow. This is what I suggest;

In addition to what they learn in school, they are required to do their own study.

Writing Feedback / iBT Essay: Finance sports at universities? [4]

Well, first of all you should have included the full prompt of your essay for us to get a clearer idea as to what it expects from you. Do it next time :)


This is your introduction and you straight away express your opinion assuming that the reader knows about your prompt. I think this approach is wrong. In the intro, you should introduce your topic to the reader. First, begin your intro with a catchy statement (hook) which provides a good entrance to the essay. Then explain the background of the issue and then express your view on the issue.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt - 2 essays: my father / my chin [3]

It is good if you included the prompts in this post. Without seeing them it is a bit difficult to guess the core objective of those prompts.

While I was doing homework at three am 3 a.m., I heard the door open and the sound of my father's hacking cough ,which resounded through the house.

To state it bluntly, I thought that my father would diehave an early death if he didn't change his bad habits and improve his health.


I kept preaching him about the value of having a good health.
One night at four am4 a.m ., my father came home from work and stepped into the shower.
She opened the door with a bobby pin and found my father lying on the floor of the shower. ....Remove redundant words!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Injuries and Incidents [5]

The bar chart comparespresents a comparison between the number of incidents and injuries per 100 million passenger miles travel (PMT) in 5 transportation modes during a period of time in 2002... the chart or graph always presents trends and details and it does not compare.

Overall, there were more incidents than that of injuries in the overall trend . Likewise, the vastThe majority of incidents and injuries had occurred onin the demand-response transportation in 2002.

This is quite good - you follow the right approach :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - parents should teach children / or school is the place? [5]


It is good to conclude your intro with a statement expressing your view on the issue (although your topic asks you to discuss both views, it is good to tell the reader about the direction you want him to follow )

Parents are the first persons for a child, whom they startto learnlearning from. They should teach their children about how to behave in different kindtypes of situations. Moreover they should also behave in an exemplary manner (comma) that t hey wantwish their children to follow. Because it is proved that children will always try to imitate imprint the actions and behavior of their parents.

Writing Feedback / ACADEMIC TASK 1- COMPARISON OF PIE CHARTS (leisure activities in U.S.A) [3]

Your approach for this task needs improvement. You need to have an intro, overview and body paras (ideally two paras with details). Let's take your intro;


... the purpose of intro is to introduce the image (can be a graph, chart, table, diagram or combination of them) to the reader. You should include time frames if there are any. So, the second part of your intro is not really should not be there and that's why I striked it off.

Then comes the Overview which gives a broad idea about what the image presents. Here you discuss the most obvious trends/ observations. For example;
Soccer had been the most popular leisure activity from 1999 to 2009 and its popularity has grown over the years. Jogging, aerobics, yoga and bicycling had been among the least popular leisure activities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Process (Tea Production) [7]

Well, I think you need to improve the approach you follow for this task. Here, it is important to have an introduction, view and detail paras (body paras). In the introduction, you should introduce what the diagram presents (If it is a graphical presentation, you should tell the reader what sort of graph,chart it is and what it presents). Then in the overview, you must give an overall picture about what it presents to the reader. Do not have details in the overview. Then move on to the body paras where you talk facts in more details with the support of facts,statistics and data.