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Posts by agus_mono
Name: Agus Supramono
Joined: Mar 13, 2017
Last Post: May 2, 2017
Threads: 13
Posts: 23  
Likes: 2
From: Indonesia
School: State University of Makassar

Displayed posts: 36
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agus_mono   
May 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / How to be a good mother or father - you can learn it! [4]

hay @Anhy chan, i have read this essay closely. My feedback may help you to finish this essay better. Firstly, i found several grammatical mistakes that you did. pay attention on these:

'mentally aproachment' = mental approach

All of this needs = all of these need

more sufficience life = sufficient life

understanding given to children = understanding giving to children

by give their son = by give their son

film which has learned about gratefullness = film which has been learned about gratefulness
agus_mono   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Parenting training led parents to be a good parent for their child [3]

It is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up. Do you agree?

improving parenting skills for your baby



Parents are the first teacher for their children so they have important role in raising their children up. However, it is undoubtedly difficult for most parents especially for those new. In this modern era, taking course for parenting training becomes new trend and I strongly believe that this is crucial for all parents to do so although they can learn by themselves by reading the article.

First of all, some parents argue that it is not necessity joining the parenting class. The reason why they say so is to use the internet as media to learn more about parenting is useful and economical. They read several articles or watch the video from the internet how to cure their daughter and son. Furthermore, there are several online forum that parents can join freely without any cost and get much more information about parenting. For example in Japan, there are several websites which allow people can make parenting forum and small discussion about. But sometimes the virtual media makes them lack of understanding. Most of them just tell about their experience in raising their children up. This situation may allow parents mall treatment for their child so that the harmful effect is inevitable for their children.

On the other hand, attending the real parenting training class is needed by all mothers or fathers. The attendance in the class gives effective training in growing the children up. Many skills and tasks are directly trained by the expert. Therefore the course provides beneficial original information especially for young couples. Soppeng, one of a small cities of Indonesia, where all young couples have to attend the parenting class becomes a requirement before they married. Since the policy was applied in the last ten years, there has been a positive improvement showed by parents. As a result, the child abuse rate have declined during the period. It is clear the parent need parenting class.

To conclude, I believe that parenting training led parents to be a good parent for their child. Although the internet media provide information about parenting, attending the parenting class still has more benefits.
agus_mono   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Two pictures - remarkable changes to Foster Road [2]

hay @syamsiahRahimmanca,
there are several advice that can help you in finishing this essay. i know well the difficulties of this questions because there are a few changes and we have to make at least 150-word essay. You have to focus on detail change of the maps.

these are several mistakes you did on this essay:
... information about the proposed change Foster Road ...

both of side : both sides of the road
the side of street is just used for ...
agus_mono   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / The percentage of three kind of items which were purchased by consumers [5]

@syamsiahRahim
i have read your essay clearly. first of all, i think you can improve your overview by selecting the general view because you just mention the lowest spending category. turning to the second paragraph, i found several grammatical mistakes, such you wrote in the second sentence. although you wrote complex sentence, you used inadequate tenses. you must passive in this sentence.
agus_mono   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Proposed change of Foster Road [2]

significant transformation of the Foster Road



The maps illustrates propose alteration of the Foster Road from SE4TH to 85TH Avenue. Overall, it is interesting to notice that the Foster Road will witness a significant transformation which is more safety for pedestrian and cyclist than before.

First of all, the planner wants to expand the sidewalk in both sides of the road. Meanwhile, the care lane will be narrowed down because bicycle lane will be constructed in its both sides. This mean that the number of car is reduce in the road. The noticeable change of the road is also seen that it will be transformed from two-lined to three-lined road. Zebra cross will also be set up in the end of the road in front of the fuel station.

In addition, to improve the convenience of the area, several trees will be planted in the north and south of the road. These trees will shade the pedestrian.




agus_mono   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Foster Road' Alterations [4]

hay @Anhy chan
i have several advice that may can help you to finish this essay. firstly, you have to pay more attention on your grammatical accuracy. make sure the question in before you write deeply. in my perspective, this sentence have t contain future tense because this is a propose alteration, so this maps is a proposal. furthermore, focus on using passive sentence, like you did in the third paragraph 'a significant improvement witnessed on the road after the installations', make sure this sentence because if it is passive, there is no verb, and if it is active, the inappropriate tense may you did here.

in addition, in your overview sentence, you must mention that the alteration is convenient for whom. it is because the car lane is narrowed down so that car drivers may lack of convenience.
agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Children today have less responsibilities than in the past [2]

Children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. What is your opinion?

less demands toward kids



It is undeniable that children's responsibility today decline rapidly compared to children in the past. Some people believe that this trend is positive change, while others argue that such trend is negative one. However, i strongly believe in the latter opinion who argue that the declining of children responsibility today is negative because it is important skill that student need in their live, whilst the declining of children' responsibility will bring negative impact on their country in the future.

To begin with, the importance of responsibility for children in their earlier age is that it will make their life easy and well-organized. Responsibility is needed to organize their life in so many aspects such as in the school. As a student, children have to responsible in their assignment. Educationalists argue that students who have high responsibility have a better performance in the class than other who do not have that. They also tend to finish all their assignment punctually. By this judgment, it is clear that the responsibility will help children live.

However, the alteration of responsibility in the children in several countries has risky impact for their country in the future. Irresponsible children today will become apathetic adult in the future. Since child irresponsible one has unorganized lifestyle. It is because they cannot manage their time and their responsibility well. In the future, if they keep such habit till they are adult, they will become crime agent. As a result, more crime will be faced by country and it will be more and more increase if the irresponsible people occupy it.

All in all, in my point of view, there is no positive effect of children who lack of responsibility. It is because responsibility is considered as a predominant skill which can lead people become useful one in the future. I think if the parents do not emphasize the important of responsibility for their children, their children will bring harmful effect on their country and their selves.
agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / WT 1 - How the brick was made [2]

@Diahkn93
several problems relating to grammatical error were found after reading your essay. you have to pay more attention on it. firstly, i cant found your overview, it may as you did not use adverb which emphasize your overview. 'overall' is a common word to show your overview. it is important because you can not get more than five if you don not so.

turning to the body paragraph one and two, i think there is over-use of connector, so sometimes the reader can not follow your flow. you may need more practice in this such question.
agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / The preference of people on E-Books and Paper Books [3]


I have read our essay clearly and still found several mistakes.
you have pay attention on using inappropriate word, for example'improvement of technology', it is correct grammatically but better if you said 'the advancement of of technology'. Several problems is also found on your structure, like in the second sentence of the first paragraph, there is no verb there. so you may focus on your sentence structure if you want to use complex or compound sentence. finally, you have to pay attention on your grammatical accuracy to boost your score.

E-books as a new sort of reading information, pay more attention in this sentence, in my perspective, it difficult to understand. i think eBook si not method of reading but one of media. you may say reading trend.
agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / BRICKS: Clay digging, filtering, moulding after adding water and sand, finally the thermal treatment [2]

COMPONENTS AND METHODS USED TO MAKE A BRICK



The given graph illustrate how to manufacture the bricks using raw materials starting from digging the clay from the earth and culminating by delivering to the costumer for building purpose. Overall, it is interesting to notice that, there are four main steps involved in this process of manufacturing bricks.

Firstly, the clay from the earth is dug with the help of big digger. This clay is then brought to the metal grid to be filtered. Before shaping process, the pure clay is added with sand and water. Interestingly, in the mould process, there are two different treatment that maker can choose whether manual mould or using machine with wire cutter.

Turning to the next stages are heating and cooling process. Before burning in the kiln, the wet bricks are dried during one or two days. They are then heated in the oven throughout two different levels; moderate level with maximum 980 degrees and high level up to 1300 degrees. Before packaging, the bricks are also cooled in two-to-three days. After that the breaks are ready to use.




agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / The amount of water used by sectors, also the water utilisation in Brasil and Congo [2]

Hay any, i have several advice which may can help to improve your score.

firstly. you have to pay more attention on your grammatical mistake, although you tried to use several structure variations, you may lack on the grammatical accuracy, such you did i the overview sentence, a great amount of water distributed to agricultural sector (it has different meaning if you use active sentence here). it is also found in the next sentence in the same paragraph. so pay more attention in your passive structure. in my pint of view you may get no more than 7 if you make frequent grammatical error

Turning to the second paragraph, in which you coverage about line chart, i think you have use both language of comparison and language of change, but i just found language of comparison there. so pay attention on it
agus_mono   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Percentage of spending on different needs in several European countries in 2002 [2]

hy @Reza_Hidayat,
i have just read your essay.

in my view, several grammatical mistakes that you did in this essay, for example, 'spent on more than 15% for that', it is better if you say spent more than 15% on this. Furthermore, i think you have to find other work to show spending, because there are so many repetitions on this word. not only about word repetition, but also lack of structure variation yo did in this writing. you may stuck in 5 if you use such form, perhaps you can boost your sentence structure to get more than it.
agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / The causes of eBook trend and its problem related to the libraries [2]

More and more people prefer to read eBooks rather than paper books.
What are the reasons for this?
What problems can this cause for libraries?


Libraries versus technology



In this advancement technological era, we can do everything easily, including accessing electronic-based information. One of trends today is people tend to red electronic book rather than printed one. This is because the accessibility provided by eBooks is easier than another one. Unfortunately, such trend bring demerit to the library which is rare to visit now.

Accessibility is the major reason why people more likely to use electronic book. Readers can easily access and read the book by hand-held devices such as laptop, mobile device, or gadget wherever and whenever they want. I see my friend who is a nerd, and he prefer read electronic novel throughout his gadget. He told has ever told me that the way he read is cheaper than buy paper book. He feels more convenient with that reading habit since he can bring the books without any space and bag, but only bring in his phone. Even If has leisure time, he will immediately read his electronic book. From my friend's story, it is clear that easy access is the predominant factor of eBook trend.

However, the electronic book trend leads readers to be far from the library. Most readers in getting their favorite book rely on the library in the past, but they can access directly now by the phone if the publisher provide eBook version. So if it happens, the reader will stay on their room and read the electronic one rather than printed book. The lest survey in Habibi Library, one of the biggest libraries in my cities, reveals that since eBook were introduced several years ago, the number of visitors in this library become less and less. The librarian also said that, visitors only come there if they look for a book that did not publish with electronic version. So then, the popularity of library become more and more reduce in the public.

In conclusion, it is clear that eBooks have become popular since its appearance and allow people to access it easily. It becomes popular trend for the reader today due to its easy access. Sadly, the popularity of library in the public is degraded by eBooks.
agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / WT 1 - Water consumption in different purpose and areas [3]

hay @Diahkn93
i have several advice to boost your score in this writing
firstly, in introducing the chart, you have give a clear introduction. in this essay, you did not mention the year, actually, both line and table provide the year when the measurement was taken. it is important also to make emphases on your overview. the word 'use' is inappropriate if you put there because it not link two sentences, so you may use meanwhile.

Pay more attention on your grammatical accuracy because you will get no more than 6 if you produce too much grammatical mistakes.
Secondly, you did not make any comparisons on this essay. this is important because you may just stay on 5 if you just list the figure. try to choose the interesting one and compare to other possible figure.
agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people think that it is good for a country's culture to import foreign movies and TV programs. [3]

hay @PHUONGMIN, i have read your essay clearly, and i will give some proposed advice may improve your score.

firstly, you have to pay attention on your grammar. as i read on your fist paragraph 'I am of opinion' will be better if you say in my opinion, and other appropriate adverb to show your opinion. in that sentence also is found word 'than', i think there is no comparison there. Grammar accuracy is a quarter of measurement in writing task, and you may get no more 6 if you make huge number of grammatical errors. but in my view, practice may lead yo to be better, because your idea is quite goo. so practice is the key. Break a leg and keep practice
agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Summarise the information by reporting the main features of cement and concrete production [6]

hy, @mandyduong. i have read your writing deeply. unfortunately, you did not upload the question and its picture(s), so i can make sure the data that you presented was true. i may focus on your grammar. firstly, pay attention your 'four equipment' phrase, is better if you add 's' in the end of phrase. if you do more this mistakes, you will get no more than 7 on your grammar. secondly, i think your overview is quite good. you may get 6 or more on your task achievement if you write such overview.
agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Global Water use and comparison between Brazil and Congo [2]

The graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries

Trends of water usage



The line chart exhibits how much water is used for three different sectors over a-decade period from 1900 to 2000, while the table compares between Brazil and Congo in consuming water I 2000. Overall, it is interesting to notice that global water spending was used mostly in agriculture sector during the period, while Brazil consumed more water that Congo.

Firstly, the data shown by line chart reveal that there were upward of using water trend in all sectors. Agriculture is the biggest water consumed sector. In the first period it only spent 500 Km3, and went up by more than twice in 2000. Moreover, a slightly different was presented by industrial and domestic aspect which stood at almost 0 in the first, but they witnessed a different increase in the end of the period. Industrial spent more than 1000, twice as much as domestic sector.

Turning to the table comparing water spent between Brazil and Congo, the former has spent more water for irrigated-land than latter with average 359m3 each person. Brazilian population was also three fold higher than Congo population.




agus_mono   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / What students did after leaving college, without job? Describing The Graph. [8]

@syita_arc
as far as i read your essay, i think to improve your score, you have to pay attention more on your grammar, i found you put an adjective after preposition. the preposition have to be followed by noun. turning to the body paragraph 1 and 2, you just picked all detail without any comparisons. if you want to boost your score, you have to use both language of comparison and language of change. also, pay more attention in choosing selected data, only choose the remarkable figure to interest your reader.
agus_mono   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / causes and measures for offenders who commit more crimes after serving the first punishment [3]

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

The punishment is given to the law breakers to give them deterrent effect. Unfortunately, there are many crime cases which ex-prisoners do their crime again. The main reason why this trend can occur is related about the inadequate prison system. Repairing prison system is effective way to tackle such problem.

The predominant reason why crime agents commit their crime more is the treatment they get during punishing is useful. They are put in the same person in the prison. Eventually, during the punishment phase, their environment leads them to maintain their mind without any exchanges ideas and information and causes them to have worse behavior. They will lack of skill so that after serving a sentence, they tend to be ignore in the society and lack of job. They will need for money for their life and it will encourage them for doing the crime again.

To solve the given problem above, the proposed effective solution is giving rehabilitation program during serving prison. The rehabilitation program means that the criminal agents are given skill as a preparation before exempt to the public. If they have skill, they will easily get job. Taking Indonesian National Narcotic Agency program as instance, it has rehabilitation program which exercise their suspects with some skills. So that, after pass the program, they have positive skill and it brings them for getting job and far from the previous crime.

To sum up, it is true that first punishment for law breakers is not effective enough for giving shock therapy for them. However, for solving such problem, the government has to take a strategy for improving their skill and mind to make the better. If the government fail in tackling this problem, the crime will be more and more increase.
agus_mono   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The chart below shows participation in certain leisure activities by children in Australia [6]

hay @ASooshd
i have several advice for this essay

firstly, on your overview, it is better if you use passive sentence, because you wrote it in active and it gives different meaning. you have to pay attention on it. turning to the second paragraph, you picked the highest and the least figure as interesting features. unfortunately, there were inappropriate data that you wrote. you said that the least favorite for both young males and females is watch TV and videos, but for boy there was a similar number with boys in art. so you have to focus on selectig interesting data.
agus_mono   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1: Info about British sporting activities [4]

hay btho,
i have read your writing closely, so there are some feedback for improving your score
for your task achievement, you may get no more than 6, because you wrote too detail on your overview. you should pay attention on selecting the main features. as i read on your essay, you write all detail without selecting the appropriate data selected.

turning to the Coherence and Cohesion. you arrange information coherently and used some cohesive devices so i think you can get 7 or more.
you also used a sufficient range of vocabulary in this essay, and you can get more than seven on your Lexical Resource.
furthermore, on your grammar, a saw you used a variety of complex structures with minor errors. so you can get more than seven.
agus_mono   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / Expenditure of five countries by category [2]

The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002

Which products have the biggest proportion of expenditure?



The table exhibits information about the percentage of national spending on three categories of five different countries in 2012. Overall, it can be clearly seen that what is the biggest proportion of all countries' expenditure was food and tobacco.

Firstly, all people in those countries spend their fund on food and tobacco. Turkey's expenditure was the highest percentage in this category with 32.14%. It was twice higher than Italy. Furthermore, the second highest occupied by Ireland, 10% more than Spain.

Turning to the second category is clothing and footwear for which all country paid around 5% to 10%. Australian allocated their expenditure 9% and became the highest in this, while the lowest was Sweden. Interestingly, the rest three countries spend almost similar on around 6.5%.

The less remarkable feature showed by the table was Leisure and Education. Each country only spent under 5% on. Turkey was the highest with 4.35%, while the lowest proportion was showed by Spain. However, Italy and Sweden were approximately 3.20%.




agus_mono   
Apr 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Causes of agricultural land productivity including three areas in 1990s. IELTS task 1 [5]

hay Rahma vety,
i have read your essay, i just focus on your grammar because you did not upload the picture and the question. we need both of them to make sure the data that you wrote. i hope in the next essay you do it.

....... caused by over-grazing : it is good because you used past tense, but make sure your sentence whether passive or active. passive form Be+V3
....was happen in : happened

but, i think you have potential to write better if you practice harder.
agus_mono   
Apr 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Both views betweeen having an enjoyable life and making a lot of money [2]

Some people argue that it is important to have an enjoyable life than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to be better life. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

good life vs great money



It is undeniable that life is once and we have to enjoy our life without spending our time in get huge incoming. Others, however, believe that we can get everything if we have so enormous money that most people think that getting much money is important. This essay will try to elaborate both of views with some consideration.

Most people have a belief that by having much money, they can buy whatever they want such as luxury house, expensive car and etc. Furthermore wealthy people can buy whatever to eat, control their health regularly and also visiting wherever they want to visit. However, they have to concentrate on getting a big income, consequently they may work hard and spend much time on it. Otherwise some wealthy people not enjoy both of their life and their jobs. It is clear to sum up that rich people get stress more easily.

On the other hand, happiness cannot be bought by money. Happiness comes depending on the way people think. Although someone has little money, they are happy about it. Taking teachers an example who have small income, they spend more their time in enjoying work rather than do other hedonistic activities. They enjoy their work owing to the fact that they love to do so. it indicates that happiness can be get by enjoy the job even lack of money.

To sum up, money is not guarantee people to get happiness. Although rich people can do more by their money, they cannot totally enjoy their life. Instead, they have to think that what they have is always enough.
agus_mono   
Apr 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Two mail companies: TNT and FedEx [6]

hy meirkhan,,
this is my suggestions:
firstly, you have to introduce the graph by paraphrasing the question. i think it can improve your score. turning to the paragraph 2 and 3, it is better if you arranged the paragraph with any plan, i mean you have make a short brain storming before you strart to write. it will help you in arranging your paragraph well. i think you need more practice to improve your score.

Keep Writing
Break A Leg
agus_mono   
Apr 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / The line chart illustrates the number of viewers for channel one news during 12 months. [3]

hay syamsiahRahim
i have read your essay, in the beginning paragraph, your introduction is too similar with the question. if you want to improve your score, you suppose to paraphrase well the question with your own language. your overview is too general and it did not coverage your paragraph 2 and three. turning to the second paragraph, you have to narrow down the programs, you may say there are three news programs. there is misinterpret data, for example: .... 9.30 pm news programs also go down in the last period, i think the go down trend is its viewers. i think you have mention it in the first paragraph.
agus_mono   
Mar 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / writing Task 1: Oregon Population in three counties [3]

The graph below shows the population change between 1940 and 2000in three different counties in the U.S state Oregon.

Oregon Population During Different Periods



The line chart exhibits the information about the number of population in three parts of Oregon which showed every 30 years starting from 1940 to 2000. At the first glance, Washington is the most crowded county whose population increase sharply during a 60-year period. However, the less favorite part for living in Oregon was Colombia.

At the beginning of year, the Oregon preferred to live in Washington. Its population was twice as much as Colombia and Yamhill. This trend was continuing during the period and the gap between Washington and Yamhill became bigger and bigger. It is because the Washington population was rocket sharply.

A more detail looked to the chart reveals that Colombia and Yamhill have under a third of Oregon population. They increased slowly to almost 90 thousand, but Yamhill slightly above Colombia. Furthermore, in 1940-to-1970 period, Colombia and Yamhill witnessed slower increase then 1970-to-2000 period. And it can be seen that Yamhill more favorite to stay than Colombia.




agus_mono   
Mar 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / Sorrel Cottage Development - Map [3]

hi phuongphuong, i have read your essay closely, i think you explain the alteration well but i found several mistake that you have to pay attention about. firstly, make sure your paragraph is consist at least three sentences because the last paragraph is only one sentence. secondly, all features that you wrote were not clear. if the common reader read your essay, they will be confuse the direction. because you described the feature inappropriately. it is better if you mention by taking the main figure and will be your anchor.
agus_mono   
Mar 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / Annual expenditure in Scotland - comparing pie charts [2]

The three pie charts show the change in annual spending by local authorities in Someland in 1980, 1990 and 2000.

government spendings on six aspects in three decades



The pie charts compare about the percentage of annual expenditure which Someland's local government spend in six aspects in three decades (1980, 1990 and 2000). Overall, it is interesting to notice that the local government spent most budget for higher education, while they allocated least for other aspect.

At the beginning of period, education and transportation got bigger fund then others. The local government expended almost a half of their budget for higher education during the period. In contrast, although lower education stood at a quarter in the first decade, it decreased gradually to 18% in the end of the period. About 16% of annual outgoings was spent on transportation in 1990, and it rose to 22 percent in the end of period thought the middle decade showed a 16% less than the end of period.

On the other hand, the rest aspects such as environmental services, health and human resources, and other gained only under a fifth of expenditure. Other fell slightly during the period, while environment services faced a slowly grow over three decades. Health and human resource aspect went down to 10% in 2000 although it raised 20% in the1990.




agus_mono   
Mar 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / The advantages of current twenty-first-century technological developments on the society [2]

@venkat_writting
hay Venkat, your idea on your essay quite good, but there are several problems that i found on it. so i give you some advice, perhaps it can make your essay better

*There are several problem with grammar and you have to focus on it, for example: twenty-first-century, you can say "the first-twenty-century...........in the area of technology has had changed: had changed

*There are so many generalization. Pay attention in making statement that can generalize something. we can not completely overlook the disadvantages of it.it is generalization statement I think. Because may several people argue that it has disadvantage, not all.

In body paragraph 2, in multiple-idea paragraph, you have to give short explanation on it, because the reader cannot understand the idea that you wrote, it is unclear idea.

*There are repetition sentence on your conclusion paragraph, you may repeat the idea but you have to paraphrase it: The current technological advancements have changed the way we live our lives
agus_mono   
Mar 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York [7]

hay....@Maitouyen282

i have just read whole your essay. firstly, you wrote an overview clearly, unfortunately, it was very detail. As i know, we have to summarize the general trend or you can make a comparison by time or you compare each features. a slight problems also were found on your essay. sometimes you used past sentence and sometimes you write with past tense. make sure the time on the question first, and use the appropriate tenses.
agus_mono   
Mar 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: art-based subject can improve students' performance in secondary school. [6]

Some educationalist argue that non-exam, art-based subjects such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.

Art-Based Subjects and Student's Performance



Curriculum is the important aspect in educational system. Some educational experts believe that non-exam, art-based curriculum have to be applied in secondary schools because it can increase student's performance in the class. Others, however, believe that non-scientific subject such as music, drama, art, and craft only improve student's art skills. In this case, I strongly claim that art-based curriculum in secondary school is very useful in increasing student's useful skills and their academic performance.

To begin with, the art-based subjects teach several vital skills for students such as confidence, team work and leadership. Firstly, art subject like singing, forces student to have good confidence. They must sing in front of others and show their voice. Secondly, taking drama as instance, pupils have to interact with each other to conduct a role well, so that it builds their social skill. After they involve in team work, their leadership skill is also gradually developed. So that, it is clear that pupil's skills are increased by art-based subject.

Furthermore, the improving of their skills supports on their performance in learning. Art-based subject contain many activities which cover all student learning style; for example, Painting covers visual learning-style, kinesthetic style is covered by dancing, and singing can cover the student who is auditory. D' Potter, an educational expert launching his quantum teaching method in 2001, succeeded on improving student academic performance. His method developed by art method such as dancing before learning, using colour in remembering theory. Moreover, his experimented result showed that student motivation is improved by 80%.

Taking everything into consideration, i totally agree that art-based subject more effectively in supporting student on getting optimal performance in school rather than scientific subject. Student predominant social skills will be improved and it is helpful for them in their future. In my view, teacher should apply learning method which cover student's learning style
agus_mono   
Mar 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS: energy use and greenhouse gas emissions in an average Australian household [7]

hay @matteo1222, i have some advice for your essay

*in the introductory paragraph, you have introduced the chart well, but i think it is better if you compare or link both charts.
*in each body paragraph, you just explain the percentage of every part/features. you have to compare each other for example: "water heating energy is twice higher than other appliances".
agus_mono   
Mar 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Erosion of a headland - effects of waves in the coastal area [3]

The diagram below show the stages in the erosion of a headland. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

Headland Erosion



The pictures illustrate how a headland can be eroded by wave in the coastal area and how the surface of hard rock can be changed. Overall, it is interesting to notice that even though the wave is quiet enough, it effects on the surface of a headland, and wear the headland down naturally without human activity.

Firstly, the first process is destruction of particular part of headland, especially in weak area will be eroded because of wave strength and then the small cave will be created. The small cave is bigger and bigger in size, so that it becomes natural arch. It likes Durdle, Door, and Dorset.

The further process, sea water hits the arch roof regularly. As the consequence, the roof stack falls into the sea level and the headland is separated and becomes small headland called stack. Afterward, the sea water still erodes the stuck and it is smaller and smaller. As a result, the small part of the stack exist opposite it, called stump.




agus_mono   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / The different condition of American town in 1948 and 1950 [4]

@koganta

Overall the area was not like it used to be {it is redundancy}.
... and turned into a commercial buildings and the airport. In the near of eastern east area, the big field opposite right to of the petrol station ...

In the eastern east side, the residential ...
For the southwestern southwest side, the major transformation ...

*in the first paragraph, you just mention the changing features,. i think it is better if you mention unchanged building because it becomes minor trend and it is interesting to notice.