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Posts by Jimmy879873
Name: SG
Joined: May 30, 2017
Last Post: Sep 23, 2018
Threads: 26
Posts: 55  
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From: HongKong

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Jimmy879873   
Sep 23, 2018
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Children are better off to spend the time on other activities than reading story books. [2]

meaningful activity for children



Some people think that children who spend a lot of time reading children's story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what extent do you agree?

Some believe that provided many activities are far more productive than reading children stories, youngsters should not be spending too much times on reading them. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement. I will elaborate as follow.

Through reading story books, children have winder topics to discuss with their classmates. Since story books usually plot with various elements in composition either fictional or non-fictional, these elements include the background settings and characters. Children will have various topics to share in their class.

Furthermore, storybooks increase children's lexical understanding. Although many story tales come with pictures, words are crucial in knowing the story thoroughly. Therefore, children must spend a significant amount of times to look up on a dictionary whenever they encounter the unknown words. This finding process allows children to enhance their word understanding of the language. It guarantees that children are less likely to be intimidated by the higher level of language study later on.

Children stories also help children to be better in art classes. Many children books have a wider range of descriptive words to their surroundings, children can associate with the story by observation in their life. It broadens the creative thinking of children. So when they have to generate ideas in doing art, they can come up with fresh innovative thoughts.

To recapitulate, some advocate that children should not be spending their precious times on reading story tales provided that many other activities are available. However, storylines and within details are useful to children in socialising with their peers. These books can also improve children in language and art.

It would be great if you can score my essay. Any suggestions is appreciated. Thank you.
Jimmy879873   
Sep 23, 2018
Writing Feedback / Music cannot be prioritized by its importance - each genre has its own purpose [3]

Hi Danila, I can see the potential in your essay in terms of sentence structure and vocabulary, however, you are off the topic in my opinion. You misunderstood the prompt so you developed an opinionated essay rather than a direct question one. Take a look at this break-down below.

There are many different types of music ... <- statement.
Why do we need music? <- question one.
Is the traditional music of a country more ... <- question two.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and ... <- Instruction.

The instruction is applied to where you explain you reasons rather than the type of essay. Your mistake is you answered two of the questions right away without supporting paragraphs to back them up. The second paragraph was used to explain your argument became pointless at this point as your thesis statement was all about ones' cultural identity and personal preference instead of why do they need music.

To understand this, let's look at your topic sentence if that matches to the questions.
Q: Why do we need music?
A: there are people who can do well ...

While you delivered the right topic sentence in the third paragraph, the paragraph itself contained more than one idea which confused the reader by the end of its paragraph.

Topic sentence: .... some people who think that traditional music is more important...
Second sentence: They fear that traditional music may vanish.....
Last sentence:....people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up.....

It is always better to have no more than two ideas in a paragraph so that you can present a more clear reasoning to the examiner.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Sep 11, 2018
Writing Feedback / You left a bag of equipment at the gym last night. Write a letter to the manager - task 1 [4]

Hi Han, although you did cover the prompt requirement in this letter, there are mistakes that would cause you to get a lower score in the actual test.

....Friday and Saturday by accessing my membership account.
Highly unnecessary. I understand that you might want to increase the word count by doing so, but adding ineffective details would make your essay weaker as a result.

that your gym is about to close down.....
The gym has already been closed down instead of closing it down today. Let's look at the prompt again.

....The gym has closed down for a week, and you can't get in.....

Presenting the wrong timing, you might be treated as misunderstood the prompt.

I am writing to make inquire...
an inquiry.
inquire is a verb.

.... is that my driving license presently stays inside the bag.
is in the bag. Again, no need to be ostentatious at this point.

...so nice of you to providing me...
provide.
To + infinitive

I hope you can find out what your weaknesses are and focus on correcting them, that way, you will become a better writer soon!
Jimmy879873   
Sep 11, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : the table below shows the figures for imprisonment in five countries 1930-1980 [4]

Hi Asih, since many advice have been given regarding your cohesion and logical overview, I would just focus on grammatical structure and suggest a way to write the task one.

......year 1960. 1970, and 1980.....
Punctuation.

In 1970, 95,000 is amount......
is the amount
Since you are talking specifically about this portion, "the" as determiner has to be placed in.

While Canada bear prisoners......
Starting with 'While' means that you are creating a subordinate sentence. Without an independent sentence to embed it, you make that sentence to be a run-on sentence.

While Canada bear prisoners....
bears. You should treat it as the third person pronoun.

In order to write a better academic task one essay, you will need to pick some of the obvious features, and then compare them with the variant of other data.

For example, the prisoners who had been locked up in the United state were the highest in numbers compared to all the other three nations.

Now, you have created a topic sentence for yourself to talk about in that paragraph. Look for any differences in the illustration and place them in your paragraphs explicitly without merely presenting the data.
Jimmy879873   
Sep 9, 2018
Writing Feedback / A laptop market share table in 2006-2007. [2]

COMPUTER BRANDS IN LAPTOPS SECTOR OVER 10 YEARS AGO



The table below shows the worldwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The provided table depicted the international market share of the laptop market for manufacturers between the year of 2006 to 2007.

In general, the Fujitsu-Siemens laptop company was the least favourite to customers within these two years while the HP company kept up the pace and remained on the top of the notebook computer market. The Fujitsu company had only 4.8% of the total value of the entire market in the year 2006 and it fell down to 2.3%, being the lowest continuously out of other competitors. Contrastingly, the HP company held 31.4% shares in 2006 and the percentage increased about 3% in the next year.

Other companies like Dell, Toshiba were also steadily raised in terms of their shares in the financial market. The share value of the Dell company boosted up to 20.2% in the second year from 16.6% in the first year. The similar trend to this positive outcome was the Toshiba company, having the increased of 1.1% in between two-years period.

Some other companies were unlucky enough which suffered the falling in between the years. Acer and Lenovo of their shares were dropped to 0.9% and 0.4% respectively. Unnamed companies had decreased 3.5% at the end of 2007 in the market before the share value was once at 22.8%.

Your critique is appreciated!




Jimmy879873   
Sep 9, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - opinions on transportation improvements [3]

Hi Shih, there are several suggestions I would like to make.

Overall. I believe the priority....
Be careful with the punctuation. It would be very unfortunate to suffer a lower score from this mirror mistake.
The discussion essay is presented by discussing public points of view rather than your own opinion all the way. If you look again at the topic:

Discuss both these ...
Therefore, you should present two public views and your own opinion in logical orders regarding the topic.

... there are both advantages and disadvantages of constructing....
Since this is a discussion essay, the reader would assume this is a mistake that you misunderstood the question.

The best feature of this approach is that no new....
was
Jimmy879873   
Aug 28, 2018
Writing Feedback / Raising the number of sports activities - the most efficient solution to boost the public health? [4]

@Dang, where is the question of the topic? Without the full topic given in your post, we cannot accurately review your essay.
... both the above method...
It should be plural, methods.

.... other approaches should be combined.
' other approaches' should be deleted as one of the methods above is already suggested there should be other ways to improve people's health.

..due to he faster pace..
the
remember to proofread your writing before submission, in any situation.

..the heavier workloads...
I don't see any comparison in the context so I think heavy is more suitable in this case.

The conclusion is too short. You might need to work on restating all of your main points that you mentioned in your body paragraphs to this last paragraph.
Jimmy879873   
Aug 28, 2018
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] A line graph of books read by both sexes in certain years. Academic one. [5]

The graph shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


who reads more books, men or women?



The line graph indicates the quality of books that were read by males and females in the years between 2011 to 2014 at a public library in Burnaby.

The statistics suggest that 5000 books had been read by males in 2011. The trend gradually increases to 8000 books by the end of 2012. Additionally, the numbers of 2000 are added to 2013 alone until the ongoing trend passes its peak and dwindles downward to 8000 books again in 2014.

The books that were read by females, on the other hand, is starting insignificantly small, from the number of 3000 to 4000 in between 2011 and 2012. However, there is a big jump in 2013, the numbers of books rise above 10,000 at level. The uprising phenomenon does not stop at ten of thousands only, in 2014, the numbers of books reach 14,000 in total.

The data of the graph shows that men read more books than women by the additional numbers between 2000 to 4000 in the first two years. Nonetheless, the leading position has dramatically shifted when the time moves forward after mere two years. The numbers of women who read books outclass men by more than 6000 in the last year of 2014.

I am not sure if the writing structure is correct for the academic task one. I recently started doing IELTS task one academic practice as I thought it would help widen my vocabulary and to have an overall perspective on the IELTS system. I might as well take the academic one if necessary. So please, any constructive comment would be a great help to me! Thank you.




Jimmy879873   
Aug 28, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - Why people do nothing to protecting the environment and how do deal with it? [7]

@smally01, do not stress yourself out over the mistakes you made. All you have to do is to take some time to read your essay with the advice that you received. There are some suggestions I would like to share.

When it comes to a topic, you have to read twice to ensure you are not misinterpreting the statement.

What are .....and how people can be encouraged to ......?

Notice that how the question is asking you, how people can be encouraged...
And your response is taxing the citizens as you believe that would be an encouragement to do so?

There are several reasons for people to ignore thus the warnings....
If you mention that you will offer more than one reason, then you should do it in your body paragraphs.

It is understandable ...... and the prime reason would be..... even they know thus the activity .... to the environment.
Try not to have such a long sentence as you might not be able to identify if you have made any grammatical mistakes in it, such as a run-on sentence. In the actual exam, you might have very little time to proofread your essay so keep the sentences short and concise would be better in comparison.

...help to generate the deterrence effect ...
deterrent adj.

... emission of harmful gases will be decreased.
Jimmy879873   
Aug 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace? [5]

@Ptnly, how to write your essay depending on the topic instruction given rather using the same formula of writing technique to every essay. This is a direct response essay, meaning that you will only need to answer the question in an appropriate manner.

Question: In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?
Your answer: The government should force....... this solution takes a long time to success. Having said that, there is a problem for the government....

You see, the topic merely asks for the solution, and yet, you provide extra irrelevant information in your both body paragraphs because of the writing format that you followed. I believe you thought this is an advantage vs disadvantage essay which it is not the case.

It is not about deleting the last sentence in your summary in this context, it is about restating the topic, mentioning your main points once again and nothing else. This is what a summary for. Therefore, presenting a new idea should be done in body paragraphs rather than in the concluding statements.

.....set a good example for private companies.
Referring private companies while you are discussing about the pay should base on employees' productivity is not quite accurate in the paragraph as there is no comparison between public or private in this instance.

Aside from these mistakes, you showed that you have clear reasonings and were able to stick with one idea per paragraph, so you should keep on writing as it will help you become better.
Jimmy879873   
Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Vacation or vacations to school children? Discussion essay. [4]

short but several breaks or one long vacation?



Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.

There is a dispute between two groups of people. Some advocate that youngsters ought to receive short but several break times in a year at school. Though others think that vocation for youngsters in school should be one and long only. This essay shall present both points of view and I will offer my own opinion at the end.

Some believe that intensive school schedule without short breaks in between to children is counterproductive. Their brains are still in the developmental stage. Lack of proper resting in times will cause slower memory and reaction in the performance of their studies as students. Short breaks allow them to recharge and prepare upcoming subjects in school. So when they get back to the classroom, they are ready to learn.

Nevertheless, others think that one long vacation means students can concentrate on their studies. Learning is not easy especially for the youngsters. One vacation can act as a sweet reward for their hard work throughout the year. It motivates them to work even harder to complete homeworks and finish exams. After all, they can rest and wait for the next school orientation to come.

Upon reading two views of perspective, I believe that short breaks can ease the stressful feelings in children. A lot of times, the school curriculum can be overwhelmed by such equation formulas and grammar rules. It intimidates many children from learning. Having continual pauses in their yearly school timetable renders children to step away from some of the hard subjects. During the short vacation times, they can go for different activities such as hiking or fishing for relaxation.

To recapitulate, on the one hand, short and multiple breaks to children in schools help their overall performance in academics. On the other hand, a break with a longer period of resting encourages students to work diligently on their subjects. These lead me to think that maybe erasing the anxiety in students is the best and foremost task to accomplish and only by providing short terms of breaks can achieve such outcome.

Criticism is needed! I hope I am better than the last time on word choices and summarising. Thank you!
Jimmy879873   
Aug 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / People think wearing stylish clothing is important. Positive or negative development? [4]

More and more people are finding it increasingly important to wear fashionable clothes. Is this attitude to wearing clothes a positive or negative development?

the sense of fashion in the modern society



The uprising numbers of people think that having a sense of fashion is crucial. They choose to wear clothes that relate to the popular style. I believe this mindset can be viewed as a negative development.

Many people excessively concern about their appearance because of the fashion industry. They blindly follow the trend of which clothes are hit in its season and purchase them for a sense of superior feeling over those are not trendy. However, when they get criticised about their outlooks, they start to question their own presence. This unhealthy thought will grow as they listen more to other people opinions. They eventually undergo plastic surgery or some sorts to alter their physical bodies.

Furthermore, wearing fashionable clothes means to keep on purchasing the new arrival of the latest clothes in stores. Every season has new clothing for customers' satisfaction. Very often, those clothes merely make a slight change such as the color or cutting pattern. Buying these similar clothes repeatedly due to the brand names effect is definitely an act of wasting money.

Besides that, the used clothes need to be decomposed. Having more people to buy clothes for the fashion trend, the overloading landfills will have to cope with these hardly dissolvable materials, like denim. Although there are also some sorts of recycling procedures as well as donation stores for the used dressings, the best solution is not to purchase them in the first place.

To recapitulate, increasingly many people think that stylish garments are important. Though they overlook the danger of other people opinions. Buying too many items of clothing is also a waste of money and harming the environment.

I need your critique on this, thank you.
Jimmy879873   
Aug 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: economic growth - environment protection [3]

Hi Bui, you failed to address the prompt partially. The better version of the first paragraph would be:

There is a discourse that relates to economic growth and social as well as environmental issues. Although some people advocate that fast-growing economy is the ultimate way to lift people from poverty and eliminate the hunger, others concern the negative drawbacks that might bring to the environment. This essay, I shall discuss both sides of view and present my own opinion at the end.

Whatever the question that is asking you, you have to restate it in the first paragraph to let the examiner knows that you understand the prompt thoroughly.

... reasons which causes hunger

therefore helping them have incomes to ...
It helps them to have income and therefore, releasing them from hunger and poverty.

Be careful about these minor mistakes as they have impacts on your final score in the actual exam.

tourists who threw away litter into the sea, the land... pollute the sea or land environment so killing many animal specials.

The tenses you were using is confusing the reader, and also, you should try to avoid any run-on sentence in your writing.

Another part I would like to point out is that you did not offer your own opinion in the essay, which was essential in this type of discussion essay.

Don't worry though, keep on writing and you will get better!
Jimmy879873   
Jul 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / Face to face communication with an increasing Internet connection and text messages in use? [4]

Hi Balijit, it is a good essay but there are a few suggestions I want to make. I can see that you have multiple ideas in second and third paragraphs, it is better to discuss one main idea in one paragraph because, in this way, it enables you to expand that idea fully.

As you have more than one idea in the body paragraphs, it is difficult for you to wrap up all of the ideas in concluding paragraph, which creates a confusion to the reader that you have not thoroughly summarised your main points.

I see that you repeated the word ''essential' twice in the same sentence, avoid it if you can.

Keep it up.
Jimmy879873   
Jul 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / Some of the celebrities are younger than others, and believe this is a positive development [5]

Some people become famous at young age.


Is it good thing or bad thing?


Some of the celebrities are younger than others. I believe this statement can view as a positive development. I will elaborate with reasons below.

The popularity enriches with valuable life experiences to those famous young people. Usually, similar schedules are fixed in most of the teens, such as completing assignments or preparing exams. So they cannot experience a life other than studying in their youth. Being popular as teenagers allow them to live a different lifestyle, with loyal fans and wealth. These changes will soon become an important part of the life lesson to them.

Moreover, the young generations' voices are powerful. Take Emma Watson for instance, a famous british actress who is also an advocate of gender equality. Her speeches on the stage influence many people point of views towards women and the LGBT community. It is because of her young age with such knowledgeable thinkings that impresses the audience.

Last but not least, the fame provokes the famous youth to ruminate their past so they will show more gratitude to one another. Whenever they start reflecting on their lives, they are likely to compare the present and the past. Presumably, they will understand being famous is challenging. As a result, they will appreciate what they have and be good to others.

To recapitulate, people who are famous at their young age gain extraordinary experiences in their lives. Their words are also influential to the people. And the popularity renders them to be more thankful.

-------
I took your advice and used it in practice. Hopefully, this essay is better.
Jimmy879873   
Jul 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / Should children be banned from playing computer games? [5]

Hi Temuulen, you should post the original prompt next time so we can review your essay accurately. Although I can see your main ideas in the essay, there is room for improvement. I suggest you read or learn more about the part of speech. There are some errors I found:

..playing computer game is play ...
gaming plays an.....

and it is a waste of time

it is beneficial for playing..

in predetermined time. What are you talking about? Predetermine means something sets up in advance.
..in their young age.

With regard to this sentence, you are lacking a subject.
Jimmy879873   
Jul 2, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: animal experiments should be conducted or not ? [3]

Hi Nguyen, I noticed that the words 'animal experiments' have been used throughout the essay. Maybe you should try to think of alternative substitutions, such as lab animals, or test on experimental animals etc.

Also, you hadn't expanded the reasons long enough before you jumped to another reason.
if scientist test the new medicines to protect ...
This sentence you are unable to tell me why those animals should be respected and saved when the experiments for medicinal purposes are to protect human lives.
Jimmy879873   
Jul 2, 2018
Writing Feedback / [IELTS]Many people prefer to spend money and not save it. Advantage or disadvantage essay. [4]

Many people prefer to spend money and not save it. What are the reasons? Is this a positive or negative development?

Saving or spending?



A large portion of people uses their money to purchase many things. However, they would rather spend all of the money instead of saving it. In this essay, I believe without saving as a habit to a person in life is a serious pitfall and I will elaborate with reasons below.

Indeed, a non-saving policy as a personal habit is dangerous to the future. Some people might overspend in a short period of time after paid day. They will soon get into debts because of over expenditure. The debts usually at a high rate of interest. They might not be able to get out of the debts ultimately.

Moreover, lack of savings insecure a person's financial situation. Since the inflation is rasing indefinitely, savings allow ones to have a backup plan for the economic crisis. This is a necessity for the people who work in unstable positions, such as cashiers or waiting tables. They usually face the foremost damage every time when the inflated rate raises.

Sometimes in life, a sudden emergency cost a fortune. For instance, if a family member discovers a breast cancer, the entire treatment is expensive. Saving money in the past can now help that family to pay off the treatment fees more easily. So it does not appear as a heavy burden to the family after all.

To recapitulate, lack of the mentality of saving money is a serious drawback. Overspending money can happen to all of us. Saved money secures people unease feelings when emergencies emerge.

---
Dear Holt, it has been a while since the last post I made, I hope you do well. I now return to this platform is hoping to know if my writing has improved since then. And I hope you can find time to score my essay. Thank you!
Jimmy879873   
Mar 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing - Take a gap year between high school and university. [5]

Hi Tran, in the second paragraph that you presented, the example of your nephew did not accurately follow the reasoning that you mentioned. Your nephew wanted to become a tour guide despite she has a better future in scientific fields has nothing to do with momentary passion, at least you forgot to reinforce its statement in your example. The third paragraph, it is better to have one main idea rather than multiple ones as it is much easier for the reader to grasp what message did you convey. The conclusion is for you to restate the ideas that had been written before, meaning that you should specify them again in this section.
Jimmy879873   
Feb 11, 2018
Writing Feedback / Essay about the contrast between current generation and my parents generation - IELTS [6]

Hi Ahmed, I believe you had made a mistake in typing the first paragraph as the first two sentences are most likely to be another IELTS task 2 question. Even if I disregard those two sentences, you would still fail for having a better score in the first paragraph as task 2 writing would require you to paraphrase the topic and indicate your intention of writing this essay whenever is necessary. Providing half of the original prompt to us, we cannot accurately review your essay in a proper manner. Apart from that, you have good reasonings. But I can see you repeated some phrases or words like 'on the other hand', maybe try to use 'in contrast' or 'on the contrary' etc to avoid this issue. Also, current generation is not the right word to use because current does not contrast to old, the more appropriate word would be 'new generation'.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Feb 5, 2018
Writing Feedback / Face to face communication will become a thing of the past. Opinion essay. [5]

With an increasing population communicating via the internet and text messaging, face to face communication will become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree?

Will direct communication soon become obsolete?



There is an ongoing trend that more and more people connect with one another through the online media such as text messaging rather than the actual facial communication. Which leads to some believe that the method of face to face talking would soon be substituted. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement and will elaborate my reasons as follows.

On primary reason to facial communication is still important is that facial expression helps convey its message more effectively. Many public speakers including politicians insist to give speeches in public. They understand that face to face interaction with the audience is the most efficient way to persuade people's beliefs. Texting or videoing would lose the elements of authenticity and integrity since it could be set up beforehand. Therefore, physical interaction is crucial to many people.

Furthermore, many serious business meetings are required physical attendance in order to avoid any ambiguity. Since signing an agreement during its conference needs the absolute accuracy, online chatting or messaging would be unacceptable. This is imperative because a contract is a part of the company capitals. When the agreement goes wrong, one company might face negative consequences.

Finally, A number of applications support face to face communication. Take Facetime for instance, its software that designed for people to see others' faces during its phoning. With these innovations, people are still using the technique of facial communication.

To recapitulate, face to face interaction is still widely used as it helps the skills of storytelling to be credible. Even in the business world, the facial communication aids to reduce errors. Moreover, the technology has also adopted its way of physical communication for commercial use.

Frankly, it is hard to maintain the word count that under 250 with 5 paragraphs minimum when it comes to opinion essay. As a result, I tend to cut down the number of sentences whenever is applicable, is it good or bad? I spent 30 minutes to draft and about 5 to 10 minutes to revise it depending on the remaining time that I gave myself after the task one. It would be greatly appreciated if you can score my essay and advise me if there is any room for improvement.
Jimmy879873   
Feb 5, 2018
Writing Feedback / What are the main reasons of immigration? To what consequences can it lead? IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Hi Han, seeing from the prompt that you provided, I believe it is a cause and effect essay rather than advantages vs disadvantages. Misunderstanding the prompt would render you to suffer points loss heavily. In the second paragraph, you are referring Singapore so you should continue with it. If, however, you insist to add other countries for its reference, you can add Canada and Japan next to Singapore so the reader does not need to keep switching places.

Besides that, when you are stating one example, you should always stick with that throughout the entire paragraph.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Jan 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / No hiring so no need to pay for maternity leave later on? Opinion essay. [3]

@Holt, honestly, I have been focusing on constructing the 2,3,4 paragraphs that I did not spend much time to revise the opening and ending recently in my writing. This is why I made such mistakes even in this essay, I was too blind to realise it. I will be cautious about all of these. Thanks.
Jimmy879873   
Jan 14, 2018
Writing Feedback / No hiring so no need to pay for maternity leave later on? Opinion essay. [3]

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Pregnancy Discrimination in the Workplace



A pregnant female could take at least 10 weeks as a leave with actual payment. Such phenomenon leads to some suggest that without hiring those young females in the first place, small firms could avoid paying the pregnancy leave in the future. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement and will provide my reasons as follows.

One primary reason is that selectively recruit people out of unmarried females is a form of discrimination. In our modern society, males and females are equal in terms of seeking job positions. Females workplace skills and understandings are no less than men. When a company decides to choose a person simply based on their fertilities, it discriminates a large number of unmarried women. This inappropriate hiring process of a company might end up getting sued by many females eventually.

Moreover, avoiding to hire young females as employees is a big loss to a firm as many of them are intelligent. Nowadays, many independent women are very successful in their lives such as Saoirse Ronan and Jennifer Lawrence. Their dedications to work are determined and motivated. When firms concentrate on the issue of maternity leave as a reason to not hire young females, these companies are missing to see a bigger picture. As female contributions could be significant.

Finally, some laws protecting females from being sexist are existing. Take Poland for instance, a country is defined as an act of criminal when a firm hires a person is based on their genders rather than their educational backgrounds or work experiences. This law can definitely protect millions of women work opportunity. Especially to those women who have not had their own families yet.

To recapitulate, man and woman have the same values in looking for occupational roles regardless their genders. By discarding a large proportional group of young females, companies would lose some of the most potentially valuable assets of staffs. A perfect example is Poland, a nation that tends to protect women from workplace discrimination by imposing a law as a prevention.

I wrote more than 330 words as I counted at the end, would that be acceptable in the actual test? It is a great hope that if you could score my essay. Thank you!
Jimmy879873   
Jan 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / The only space available for building new homes is generally in the countryside [4]

Hi Kardy, I would like to offer a closing conclusion for your reference.

To conclude, regional places provide more lands for housing and complex transportation in favor of diminishing the stress in metropolises. Many provincial areas are also undergoing a disruptive change as people started retreating back to the countryside for a better lifestyle. Therefore, effective regulations to preserve the farmlands and ancient monuments are urgently needed.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Jan 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / A letter to the homestay host family. Ielts task 1. [3]

@Holt, thank you for the scoring! I had set a timer and it went off 20 minutes as soon as I finished. Although I have to admit that I was aiming to finish in 15 minutes so that I would give myself more time to task 2 writing. I now realise the redundancies that I was forcing myself to make when it need not. I will keep in mind for the word limits in Task 1. Thanks again!
Jimmy879873   
Jan 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / A letter to the homestay host family. Ielts task 1. [3]

writing a letter to a family in new zealand



You are going to visit New Zealand for an English and Homestay programme. You have just received details of your homestay host family. In your letter:

- Introduce yourself
- Ask the family some questions to get information that is important to you
- Tell the family about your arrival date and time

Dear Doe,

I am thrilled by the warm welcome letter from you two days ago. Thank you for letting me stay at your place where I can experience the true local lifestyle. It would be unfriendly if I don't write back a letter to introduce myself to you and your family. I am 24 years old student who studies at the University of Hong Kong. I am grateful that my professor had encouraged me to visit other countries to gain more remarkable experience as my life journey goes forth.

As I chose to come to New Zealand with the programme of 'English and Homestay', I was very excited and at the same time, I came up with many questions regarding the weather condition and living cost in my mind so I hope you can clear my doubts. I heard that the weather in Willington is unpredictable so do you think I should bring more clothes for my eight-week stay? I also wonder the expenditure on foods and transportation in approximation as I need to budget my money for a conversion before I arrive.

The arrival of my flight is 18th December next month. The duration of seven hours flying over the Pacific ocean would allow me to sleep before the plane lands at noon. If you can tell me a better way to get to your house from the airport besides taxi, it would be great too.

Thank you again and I look forward to your reply.

All the best,

SG

It is much appreciated if you can score my letter. Thank you.
Jimmy879873   
Jan 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / Why we are producing more and more rubbish? Most of the waste are the plastic bags. [6]

Hi Tanmay, the closing paragraph is for you to wrap up all of your supporting points that you have made previously in the essay so now I would like to write you a concluding paragraph for your reference.

To conclude, excessive food waste have been made by families over the years. As well as the enormous amounts of plastic waste that come from people are rendering our natural environment to suffer irreversibly harmful gases across the globe. Therefore, the government ought to impose various laws in diminishing the waste that people create.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Dec 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Influence of parents to boys and girls [4]

Hi Ann, I would like to offer you an opening paragraph for your reference.

Parents have the profound impact on their children. Some suggest that father figures always have the influential effect on boys and girls are more likely to be influenced by mother characters. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement and will elaborate my reasoning as follows.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Dec 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / Prohibit the fast food industry from advertisement? Opinion essay. [6]

@Holt, thanks for your detailed explanation! As I was finishing the third paragraphs, I realised I may be over 300 words by the time I complete the conclusion part. Now that you advised me to add an extra paragraph, I am confident to write more words in essays. I will also ensure the words that I use is well fit in the contexts. Anyways, I wish you have a Merry Christmas and Happy new year 2018 if I am not ready to submit my next essay in time!
Jimmy879873   
Dec 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Prohibit the fast food industry from advertisement? Opinion essay. [6]

Many people think that fast food companies should not be allowed to advertise while others believe that all companies should have the right to advertise? What is your opinion?

fast food commercials



It is a common belief that the advertisement from the commercial entities of convenience food ought to be prohibited. Though, others think that every industry has equal opportunity to advertise their commodities. In my opinion, I do not advocate the restriction of advertisement in the fast food industry and will present my reasons below.

One particular reason for the allowance of advertisement to fast food commercials is that every industry has equal value in the economy altogether so discrimination of advertising to one sector is unacceptable. Fast food stores have significant contributions to our society in terms of adapting the fast pace lifestyle of people. Especially when many workers are in hurry for food during their breaks before they return back to their positions. The lunch or dinner break is usually mere 30 minutes to many working people so fast food is their best option because of the convenience and take away service. Therefore, fast food industry ought to be treated as many other industries.

Moreover, the advertisement is an essential tool to fast food industry nowadays in boosting the selling as there are enormous rivals competing to one another. Indeed, as the population is uprising which means there are more people to eat out. Such phenomenon is responsible for the increasing number of cafeterias or restaurants in busy cities. The impacts of various styles of food services entering to the industry are harming the overall sales of fast food chains. As a result, advertising their brands in order to gain more loyal customers is the immediate task of many fast food companies.

To recapitulate, fast food commercials have taken a part of contributions in our society so they should be treated fairly in terms of advertising. As many workers are benefiting from the advantage of convenience foods. Furthermore, the amount of newly opening food places is uprising so the advertisement strategy is the hope of gaining back customers to the fast food industry.

I tend to discard placeholders whenever I can and I hope you can evaluate my essay. Advise on improvement is appreciated! Thank you!
Jimmy879873   
Dec 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / Urban areas have more crimes. Direct question essay. [7]

@Boyu, thanks for the grammar corrections and the offering of an accurate way to construct sentences.

@Holt, your feedbacks are helping me to see what have I done wrong in my writings, which is what I truly need. I promise I will present a better essay next time. Have a nice day!
Jimmy879873   
Dec 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / In many countries, very few young people read newspapers or follow the news on TV [6]

Hi Erica, there are a few things I would like to point out for you. Providing the solution should be in one single paragraph along with one main idea. The conclusion is a section for you to wrap up your developed ideas. Right now, the third paragraph is reinforcing your second paragraph which is unnecessary, you can either eliminate or attach it to the second paragraph.

You did not have to state the last sentence because the prompt did not ask you to do so, "However,the future of human is unpredictable,and only a few can stop the transformation of life style." , it merely requested you to provide what are the causes and solutions.

Hope that helps.
Jimmy879873   
Dec 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Urban areas have more crimes. Direct question essay. [7]

Crime rate, in most countries, is often higher in urban areas than in rural areas.
Why do you think that is? What can be done to solve the crime rate?


Cities are more dangerous



Crime issues have been in the society since human existence. Additionally, the numbers of people committed crimes in the cities are significant than in the countryside. I believe that is because of the percentage of the population distributed inadequately between these areas. Further, surveillance should be fully employed regarding this matter.

The populations in many cities are far too higher than in the countryside. Indeed, city capitals tend to attract diverse people to come and settle for various purposes. Some people might experience difficulties while they live abroad such as financial problems. These hurdles force them to perpetrate crimes in order to maintain their livelihood in another country. Whereas in the countryside, the weaker economy in contrast to the city capitals have had people reconsider the settlement. Thus, less dense areas with a lower population in countryside resulting fewer crimes.

In order to put an end to crimes, the government should take the initiative by installing surveillance across the cities. When every corner of the streets is being monitored by the police, perpetrators would afraid to commit any crimes. Even if they determined to do so, the national forces would arrest them eventually. This systematic design would operate twenty-four hours regardless of its days and nights. Hence, this method acts as an effective solution as well as a strong deterrent to its criminals.

To recapitulate, highly populated areas as if city capitals have surely favored the opportunities for crimes to raise. In which some people faced many immediate issues with no solutions but to be perverted themselves in offending. Therefore, a closed and advanced surveilling system should be in place for citizens safety.

Words: 274

I adjusted my methods of practicing according to your advice last time. It would be a great help if you can score my essay and advise me on improvements. Thank you!