Writing Feedback /
Music cannot be prioritized by its importance - each genre has its own purpose [3]
Hi Danila, I can see the potential in your essay in terms of sentence structure and vocabulary, however, you are off the topic in my opinion. You misunderstood the prompt so you developed an opinionated essay rather than a direct question one. Take a look at this break-down below.
There are many different types of music ... <- statement.
Why do we need music? <- question one.
Is the traditional music of a country more ... <- question two.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and ... <- Instruction.
The instruction is applied to where you explain you reasons rather than the type of essay. Your mistake is you answered two of the questions right away without supporting paragraphs to back them up. The second paragraph was used to explain your argument became pointless at this point as your thesis statement was all about ones' cultural identity and personal preference instead of why do they need music.
To understand this, let's look at your topic sentence if that matches to the questions.
Q: Why do we need music?
A: there are people who can do well ...
While you delivered the right topic sentence in the third paragraph, the paragraph itself contained more than one idea which confused the reader by the end of its paragraph.
Topic sentence: .... some people who think that traditional music is more important...
Second sentence: They fear that traditional music may vanish.....
Last sentence:....people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up.....
It is always better to have no more than two ideas in a paragraph so that you can present a more clear reasoning to the examiner.
Hope that helps.