Letters / Motivational letter for stipendum hungaricum scholarship, Bsc Biochemical Engineering [2]

@Ahmadjb225
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you a clearer idea on how you can improve this essay.

I first recommend that you keep the first parts of the essay more focused on expounding on the reason why you are writing this in the first place. Afterward, you will be able to integrate more specific information about your childhood that you find to be relevant (still, remember to be brief if you intend to do this as you don't want to overcrowd your essay with too much background data that do not really relate to the technical angles of the application).

Before you focus on the content of your writing, I highly suggest that you focus more on trying to be more dedicated towards ensuring that your writing is free from fundamental grammatical mistakes. This will also include technical angles of writing such as punctuation and flow of writing. Being organized will also go a long way, considering you were jumping from one concept to the other without necessarily giving out a clear-cut reason as to why you are writing in this manner. If you are able to give out more detailed and focused content, it will benefit you in the long-run.

Remember: be as specific as possible when writing these letters as this will determine to the evaluators how focused you truly are specifically about this program and university. This is one crucial thing that's missing from your writing.

Writing Feedback / What are the characteristics of a good coach? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Out of 15, I would give this essay an 8. It definitely is passable, however there were key parts of the writing that could have been improved.

For one, you have a tendency to overdo your sentences in a way that they appear to be run-on rather than a smoother writing pattern. What I suggest is dealing with simplified sentences first before you build up the length. That way, you will evade being "too much" in a sense.

Furthermore, it is imperative to be mindful of being specific when you are writing. There's a very thin line between the three values that you pushed forward here; hence, it would difficult to discern whether or not the writing is actually tailor-fit to what concept you are introducing. Be very careful of this, especially since you need to focus more on ensuring that you are properly being understood by your readers.

Writing Feedback / Single career or several careers or ways of earning money and further studying [2]

@hungxd08
Hi, I'll give you feedback on this essay. I hope that this somehow helps you in your learning endeavors.

First and foremost, ensure that you are delivering the message of your text with as much clarity as possible. For instance, in the first paragraph, the first line should have been trimmed down to ensure that you aren't going to be misinterpreted. Try to straight up just mention that people now have more options with regards to their long-term career as putting it this way appears more concise and yet still stands for the meaning you wanted to relay. Utilize this line throughout the writing when you want to mention again what the core message of the text is.

Furthermore, I find that the very vague way that you introduce concepts and lines is ineffective because it deprives the readers of the necessary depth that they would need otherwise. Try to keep in mind that having a one-liner where you mention that people are more satisfied in their careers because of this appears to be just a hanging thought. Try to illustrate more a line. Focus more on quality and depth over the quantity of information you're putting out here.

Writing Feedback / SOP for my application in German university in master in mechatronics and robotics program. [3]

@Rushilkumar
Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this writing! Don't hesitate to come and ask more.

Like what I always tell others, the first sentence would be better utilized if you attempted to expound here in the most straightforward way possible. Opening up with your opinion on a National Geographic doesn't really tell anything to the evaluators of what your purpose is. Instead, move here the part where you mention what specifically you are applying for. Afterward, incorporate a short line on why. It is imperative that you build a purpose from the beginning.

Be mindful also of small technical mistakes in writing such as punctuation, capitalization, preposition, and the like. Throughout your writing, especially in areas wherein you were getting more specific with relaying information, it was noticeable how you still struggled with these forms of sentiments when you should have had a simpler writing pattern for that portion.

What I generally advise for your writing would be to have a plan. Oftentimes, when I see cluttered and slightly disorganized content for personal essays, they simply tell me that you didn't properly outline and delineate the information prior to writing - hence, why you end up with a slightly disheveled type of writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Are celebrities over-paid ? [3]

@Thangnguyen315
Welcome again. Here is my feedback for this specific work.

Your over-explanation can negatively affect the way that you introduce information. Try to stick with more relevant content. Omit what's unnecessary. Once you're able to clear these out, I assure you that your writing will appear to be a lot more versatile as you will have details that are more softly focused on what you actually need to have in the essay. For example, the introductory paragraph's first two lines are too heavy in a way that you could have written them a lot more delicately and shortly. You don't need to overtly explain everything from the first paragraph, considering the fact that you are supposed to do that in the body paragraphs.

With regards to the rest of the writing, try your best to not add too much unnecessary parts in the body paragraphs themselves. Notice how the second paragraph had an entire three lines dedicated to Christian Bale when you could have shortened this to just one. By cutting down on excessive details that don't really add a lot to your writing, you can focus a lot more on important angles in the conclusion that are noticeably not giving sufficient information to here.

Writing Feedback / Visitors numbers to Ashdown Museum before and after its renovation [3]

@TriceLiu
Hi again! Here's my feedback on your writing.

Be extra mindful of the prepositions you are using throughout as using the wrong ones can negatively impact your writing. You can have absolutely substantiated content - however, if you are unable to properly relay all of this data in the grammatically right manner, it can all be useless. Take, for instance, the first paragraph. What you should have used is on and not about.

Articles also go a long when you're properly incorporating them to your writing. For example, in the second paragraph, you needed to say that they provide a better visit experience since you were trying to relay it for each individual person who approaches/enters the museum.

Quotation mark should be placed after the period if you intend to use it on the very end of a sentence. This is the more formal approach to writing, especially if you review regulations and rules on APA writing - which is often considered as the standard for a lot of write-ups.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing task 1 IELTS Oman and Spain Populations by its citizens' age [4]

@yasabh
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing. I hope that it somewhat helps you in your learning.

Generally speaking, there's nothing glaringly wrong about your writing. However, there are a few things that you can be more mindful of to improve the flow of the composition in its entirety.

Firstly, to omit the possibility of being misunderstood, sticking with very basic structural patterns for writing can go a long way. This doesn't have to mean that you are basic and would know only of the most fundamental parts of writing. However, this will surely help you reactivate that sense of balance that is often stripped from essays when you try "too hard" to incorporate complexity. For example, divide the second paragraph's first sentence into two shorter ones. Do the same for the third paragraph.

The observations you had in your conclusion were also lacking. You focused too much on superficial observations; hence, it seemed more like a summation than a conclusion. A conclusion should be observing what these statistics actually mean from a subjective viewpoint. In that way, you aren't going to be lost in translation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - The rate of women's literacy and population growth in selected countries [2]

@Hanglmk
Welcome here. Here is my feedback on your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.

Like what I tell most people who write these forms of more technical analysis, it goes a long way if you are able to properly expound while ensuring that you have fully followed the standards set by writing grammatically correct texts. This would include, of course, the usage of preposition, which I feel is one angle of writing that you need to work on a bit more. For instance, the first sentence had quite a redundant use of this because it was a bit unclear still if this really should have been the direction of the write-up.

Aside from this, I think that the conclusion you made is exquisite. It was really based on a personal analysis, which is much preferred over a vague glossing over of the summation. Maintain this and just improve on the first parts of the writing - then, you should be able to be clearly heard in the write-up. Best of luck!

Graduate / Personal statement - Former QA & Product Manager applying Master of Data Science [2]

@Hana Fang
Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other questions.

What I find problematic about your writing is the fact that you needed to trim down the usage of excessive language to make the essay more effective. Remember that the message is more important than how much complex language you are using all throughout. Try to bear this advice in mind as you are writing.

Furthermore, while I think that there's nothing staggeringly wrong about your writing, you should still be mindful of smaller mistakes that you may commit. For instance, be cautious of the tenses that you are using. Being more consistent with this will help your writing become a lot more academic.

Try to also exercise being organized with your writing. I have noticed that you had a tendency to jump from talking about the university you want to partake in to explaining your background. Try to compartmentalize everything by theme and sequence prior to writing everything to make the essay a lot more smoother.

Research Papers / Why You Shouldn't Have An Epidural During Childbirth [2]

@DestinyNauticaT
Welcome to the forum! Thanks for coming here. Here's my feedback on this writing.

While I think that you were able to incorporate a lot of the crucial details in the writing, I find that you need to work a bit more on the organization of your writing. What you could have done was provide an outline at the very beginning of the writing to ensure that you are going to be able to guide your readers properly. I noticed that you immediately jumped into the body of the essay without providing this summation. While it's often labeled as an optional thing to do, doing so would have helped your writing become a lot more easier to follow - hence, it would have improved the quality of writing.

The introduction also has some unnecessary portions in it that could have been just distributed into parts of the essay where they belonged more appropriately in. For instance, knowledge on the awareness of epidurals could have been introduced in the part just before you were tackling the impact of them to the day to day affairs. Having everything more compartmentalized into a specific theme and sequence will help readers better consume the writing without being baffled with the information you are introducing.

Scholarship / It is this area wherein lies my passion - 'How your proposed study relates to' question [2]

@StChibuzor
Hello. Here's my feedback on this essay.

For one, if this is truly what the entire essay is comprised of, you don't necessarily need to just follow what is being asked. What this means is, you should focus a lot more on how the information will be comprehended by the readers themselves. For instance, you didn't really need to expound things excessively as you did in the first paragraph. What you could have done, however, was to focus a lot more on just a simple summation of what they want from you (the development issue - just a glance). Afterward, just proceed to expounding what you study is and how it relates to this portion of your writing. d

The last sentence on the second paragraph appears to be rather lost as there was not a single part in the former parts of the writing wherein you even touched on the subject matter of your passion. Because of this reason, you would have been better off with trying to create a more comprehensive take into the writing than just blurting a one-liner at the very end to salvage the meaning.

Scholarship / WHAT YOU EXPECT WILL CHANGE IN DEVELOPMENT TERMS FOLLOWING YOUR STUDIES [2]

@StChibuzor
Hi there. Here is my feedback on this writing of yours.

Be cautious of the tenses you are using in the essay. Remember that having a loose grip of this part of the technicalities won't really benefit you in the long-run because you need to ensure that you will be professionally appreciated throughout the write-up.

Having said that, other portions of the writing also have to be treated with the same regard of formalities. Notice how the leap from the second paragraph to the third seemed to still be far-fetched. I suggest knitting everything altogether prior to jumping into massive conclusive strides to make sure that you will be appropriately understood by the readers.

Writing Feedback / The comparison of user involvement for four different online social platforms [3]

@WaddahHamzah
Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you clarity on how to improve your writing.

Omit excessive and unnecessary words throughout your writing. Not only do this add bulk to your writing that you could have used for something more productive, they also take away from the general educational standpoint of the write-up. Hence, if you are able to trim down the content, you can facilitate the writing in a lot more sophisticated way. For example, if we take a look at your second paragraph's sentences, it was clear that you needed to make concise the first portions because they're dragging the effectiveness and quality of your writing. Small mistakes that are observed here are the usage of in and the lack of usage of an an in the first sentence. Being more detailed will go a long way for you. The last sentence of this same paragraph also needed to just focus on the first phrase (hence, you could have omitted the last one).

Try to be more observant of the pieces of language that you don't actually need in the write-up. Doing this will truly help you become more effective as a writer.

Writing Feedback / You have been given a gift of money. Which would you rather spend it on? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Out of a grade of 15, I would grant this an 8. The reasons are as follows:
1. The packaging of your sentences are a bit confusing at times. You could have gotten away with using simpler structures and content to create more concise meaning; however, you still did not implement this throughout the writing. It would have helped you immensely when it comes to trying to not be lost in the sea of words.

2. The flow of writing is a bit imbalanced. The hanging "paragraph" that's currently your second paragraph seems a bit off. It wasn't really necessary given that you could have incorporated this into the first paragraph. Doing that would have made a whole lot more sense.

3. Small mistakes throughout the writing were prevalent. This goes from punctuation to capitalization. I have noticed that you struggle a bit when it comes to the placement of commas. Just try to remember a simple rule: if you find yourself needing to pause when you are verbalizing a sentence, then the written version would naturally need to have a comma as well.

Writing Feedback / Work in projects alone, with classmates or with a tutor? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Hello! Like the other paragraph, I would also grant this one an 8 out of 15.

You struggle when it comes to placement of approrpriate punctuation marks. This makes it somehow harder to decipher portions of the writing that should have been easy to digest. What I recommend is that you focus more on actualizing the rules of grammar and writing instead of focusing too much on extending your arguments without a care for these types of write-ups. Doing this will definitely help you become more creative when it comes to the overall transition without risking being misunderstood by your readers.

While I appreciate that you took time to explain everything one by one (the three concepts), you were still lacking in the comparative department - which, I believe, is the most important part of this portion because this is what's actually being asked from you in the prompt. Try to stick with this comparative viewpoint than merely describing everything.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Writing Task 2 On the justification of animal testing [3]

@bereadyforE
Welcome to the forum. Here's my feedback on your writing.

Firstly, when you're introducing the thesis statement such as the first sentence you have, try to be more concise with language usage. This is imperative because this will determine how well you will be received by the readers. If you're able to find a shorter alternative to the sentences you are writing, this will help you become more desirable and understandable for the readers. For instance, in the second sentence of your first paragraph, you could have just mentioned that testing on animals is either perceived as unethical or justifiable depending on one's perception. Having a shorter and less complex structure also will allow the readers to have a better discernment of what goes through in the write-up.

Clarity is crucial when you are writing. In the second paragraph, for instance, the word environment and chemicals can't be treated as alternatives to each other in the context. This is most especially since they don't really have the same meaning. Hence, using them in your first sentence here doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Try to stick with one concept and expand from there. This will be much better than trying to squeeze in too many details that aren't really even that sensible.

Writing Feedback / Farming study - to secure a position as a food security policy analyst expert. [2]

@rinxyaw
Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve this writing.

As I constantly mention to people here, clarity is extremely important when you are writing. The easiest way to go around this would be to ensure that you are logically following through with information that you're introducing. For instance, take a look at your first sentence. You mentioned that there are different kinds of wastes - and yet, you were unable to expound on what these are specifically.

While I think that it was great that you were able to slightly incorporate in the first paragraph the specifics of what your application entails, the second paragraph was still a bit loose when it came to tying these concepts together in an academically planned structure. What I suggest is trying to make smoother the transition between the first and the second paragraphs through incorporating how Sin directly or indirectly correlates with the rest of your writing. Doing this will help you in the long-run have a more enhanced outlook on the topic.

Writing Feedback / User Engagement for Social Networking Sites [3]

@irsaqisthi
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Here is my feedback on this writing.

While I think that you had a sufficient amount of analysis incorporated into your writing, I find that the text itself still lacks that technically and academically appropriate level of appeal. For one, you need to focus more on the transition words you are using and the punctuation marks themselves. If you are able to integrate these two in a more seamless manner, it would make the writing superficially better.

Packaging your words in a more productive way can also go a long way for you. For example, the second sentence of the second paragraph could have just said that Instagram and LinkedIn users show reserve results in spite of time spent on the sites. Notice how doing this makes it a lot more enhanced because you are using more complex and yet less dreaded formatting for the essay. Apply this throughout your essay.

Undergraduate / UBC- personal profile - Your reaction to the problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. [3]

@Rachell
Welcome to the forum. As a contributor, here is my feedback on your essay.

Making sharper and more concise sentences can go a long way for these types of content, especially since you are working with an academic essay. If we take a look at the first sentence, it immediately doesn't hit the readers what and why you are writing this essay. Hence, I suggest making this clear from the get-go. Aside from just "describing" what event you had partaken in, try your best to be more precise with language. The first sentence can easily be just a mention of the week's title and how it had impacted you in a way. This way, you aren't wasting space in your essay that you otherwise you could have used elsewhere.

Be more consistent as well when it comes to the technicalities of your writing. It is insufficient to just know what to write. Try to be more persistent with using the right tenses and punctuation marks as I find that you can definitely benefit from these skills to better relay your thoughts and opinions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 on Extreme activities - people take up dangerous sports for diverse reasons [3]

@joypham
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback!

Generally speaking, I find that there's nothing substantially wrong with your writing. You had a concise formatting for your writing, which made it easier to comprehend certain areas that were a bit perplexing. I do find, however, that you can still improve in your writing if you focused a bit more on removing the redundant parts of the text that you could have done well without. For example, in your first paragraph's second sentence, it was quite clear that you could have phrased it in a way that would have made it more concise.

Try to avoid starting your paragraphs with "although" because it lowers down the formality of your writing. On top of this, I would recommend that you extend your conclusion a bit more given that you're still lacking that analytical tie-up to make your writing more extensive at the very least.

Writing Feedback / School teachers are more responsible for social & intellectual development of students than parents [4]

@Hirumi
Welcome here. Here's my feedback on this essay.

Try your best to package the wordings of your essay as concise as possible. If we take a look at the first sentence, for instance, the only thing you were really trying to say is that teachers are often perceived to be the primary caregiver for the child's social development. You didn't really need to extend this more excessively, especially since the writing itself is already clear.

Being consistent with your writing's tenses is also crucial for building how professional the writing will be perceived. Take extra effort into being cautious of this. For example, review the second paragraph as I noticed that you shifted tenses quite often even when it wasn't necessary to do so.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car [4]

@Dao Thu Ha
Hello! Welcome to the forum.

Next time, it would be beneficial and practical for you to incorporate the graph that you are reviewing to give us a better idea on what you are reviewing.

First and foremost, from the get-go, I think that you are struggling when it comes to the proper usage of tenses. When making analytical essays, it's always smarter to use past tense, especially since you are reviewing data that has already passed. Given that, try implementing this on the entire writing.

Furthermore, using the appropriate punctuation marks can go a long way. If we review the third line/paragraph, it was clear that you needed to incorporate either a semi-colon or a period midway because you were already unnecessary dragging the sentence. The same goes for the latter parts of the essay. Doing this will improve how academic your writing will be received. The same goes for your last paragraph especially.

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the average user engagement for four social networking sites and the pie chart [3]

@Hanip Abdul
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here will give you a better idea on how you can write better.

Firstly, while I find that the organization is decent, you struggle when it comes to making more comprehensive and clear-cut sentences. For example, when we take a look at the second paragraph, it was clear that it was a run-on that should have been divided into at least three sentences using a comma. Hence, try to be mindful of your usage of punctuation marks; this is a critical angle for you to uncover because it can affect the way that your writing will be received.

As for the last sentence, try to compartmentalize your writing in a more logical way. As I can observe here, you were jumping from one social media to another in different areas of observation. What you could have done was to try and divide everything based on the social media handles themselves, not necessarily the observational viewpoint. Doing this would have given you more space to have an extensive discussion.

Graduate / Chain management and me - Applying for Master studies in the United Kingdom [3]

@Tingkkk
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here will give you an idea of how to improve your writing.

While I find that the first paragraph is alright, I feel as though you could have focused more on the packaging of information in order to relay properly what you wanted to say. With personal statements, it would be better if the formatting started with a formal introduction of yourself rather than an anecdote. Afterward, you can start discussing your background in the field in the most comprehensible manner available. In this way, you will be able to immediately attract the readers without necessarily wasting time on anything else.

As for the introduction of your career goals, I find that you could have gotten better if you tried to really focus more on the technical angle of the discussion rather than giving a vague and creatively descriptive version of it. While I appreciate the usage of the symbolism of the mountains, remember that having an impact often means you have to show that you are committed and serious - hence, tackling the career goals in detail would leave you on a better footing than anything else.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Impact of advertisements on our lives [2]

@ferbdeptrai
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have more questions.

Firstly, be extra cautious of the technical angles of writing. This would include the formatting of the sentence, arrangement of details, and other smaller parts of writing that are essential (grammar, tenses, punctuation mark usage, etc.). If you are able to keep all of these details substantially at bay, it would highly improve your writing because you will have more appeal to the readers/evaluators. For example, if we take a look at the first paragraph, the first sentence should have been a simple: The emergence of popularity has positively influenced society. Notice how the packaging is more concise - and yet, they both deliver the same message. Try to implement this technique for when you are writing.

The conclusion also needs to be shaped in a more straightforward manner. You could have omitted mentioning that advertising plays an important role since you explained that part already in the first portions of the text. Stick with just mentioning what you were able to figure out through the writing. The last sentence here appears to be hanging as well. Try to stick with something more concrete if you it would be possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - From solar panels on the roof to hot water inside a house [2]

@M_amin_N
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here would help you in your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any more questions.

Be extra cautious when it comes to your grammar as I noticed that most of your mistakes were technical ones. Try to read up more on the tenses and the proper composition of sentences. For example, in your first full-on paragraph, the second sentence is incorrect because it should have indicated that solar panels collect energy, not collecting energy. The latter would be incorrect given the sentence formatting. If you insist on using collecting, you should have inserted either of these: is, will be, or have been. Insert that prior to the word. Be mindful of similar mistakes elsewhere.

Furthermore, when you're detailing the processes, it would be a lot better if you attempted to add more structure to the writing. For instance, after every full sentence (there's a subject, verb, and predicate), try inserting a more appropriate punctuation mark such as a semi-colon or comma. Doing this will give more body to your writing.

You also need to be more consistent with capitalization. Bear in mind that nouns such as solar panels, controllers, and thermal fluid should all be consistently not capitalized.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 the process of solar power - energy from the sunlight [2]

@King heart
Hi, welcome. Here is my feedback.

There's a lot of confusion when it comes to your general composition of the text. A lot of it is due to inappropriate sentence structure. Always try to recall the fundamental rules of writing when you are making academic essays, especially since this will determine how enhanced your writing will be. For example, the first sentence of the first full-on paragraph was incomprehensible. The phrase from the initial stages should have been omitted, considering that it wasn't really that relevant to the write-up. Furthermore, the line solar panels ideal is the position doesn't make sense. The word ideal in that sentence is used as an adjective, therefore you needed to put a noun afterward to explain on what that ideal object is. For instance, what you could have done was say that it was the solar panels ideal position angle - which would make more sense. I noticed the same mistakes in the second body paragraph.

When you're using transition words (ie. the usage of first in the second body paragraph), you have to follow it up to maintain consistency (in this case, you needed to input first, second, etc.). If you're unable to follow through with this, you would be better off omitting these parts of the writing.

Undergraduate / UBC- Reading buddy - ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you. [2]

@ubcessayhelp
Welcome here! I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

I think that the activity you have chosen is a great one. Your writing is also generally decent. What I suggest to work on is trying to emphasize the second part of the discussion that's being asked from you - what you have learned in the process. While I think that you attempted to address this on the conclusion, I find that you needed to really hammer down this portion. Try to discuss what the implications of you coming out of the shell are. If you are able to do this, it would help the rest of your essay become more meaningful.

Furthermore, try to make the storytelling a bit more concise, considering the fact that you included portions that weren't really essential for building information throughout.

Undergraduate / My Purpose and Qualities- Global UGRAD Program : Why would you be a great participant ? [2]

@FairuzDhiaKhalis
Hi. Here is my feedback on your writing.

While I think that the first paragraph is decent content-wise, I find that you need to work a bit more on the packaging of your writing. I find that you tend to incorporate quite excessive details that are unnecessary to building information. Hence, try to stick with information that you actually need to prioritize. Doing this will certainly give evaluators a better impression of you since you would pay more attention to the writing itself. In relation to that, try to implement this more concise structure into the first paragraph. You could have omitted the first few sentences and moved straight to how you felt when you first moved to Jakarta.

While I find that the third paragraph's introduction was enlightening, try to make the writing less repetitive. Notice how the first sentence here and the last ones appear to just be relatively the same; hence, you could just get away with a few sentences of observation and then relating these to the program you want to partake in.

The "concluding" paragraph at the end also appears to be isolated from the rest of the text. You didn't necessarily tackle the idea of the disabled community anywhere aside from here. If you want to focus on a specific community to contribute to from your field, try to introduce it earlier to have an essay that's more tied together.

Undergraduate / Discovery - What attracts you to Duke? - Duke University essay [2]

@sleepyshamrocks
Hi. Thanks for approaching the forum! Here is my feedback.

While I appreciate the general topic you were trying to introduce, I find that the writing itself was still disorganized. If you're trying to introduce a very specific idea as the core value of the writing, it would be better if you had done this consistently in the writing. For instance, in this specific writing, try to mention that the out-of-the-box activities are the reasons why you are enticed to be a part of the program. In that regard, you could have stuck with this instead of mentioning that this is a self-discovery method. Doing this would have it more in relation to something that's more specific to the university/college rather than to yourself.

Apart from this, the concluding remark could have been omitted, especially since it isn't necessarily essential. Try sticking with what's being asked from you. If you can, here is a part where you can mention a specific student organization that you want to partake in. This would make the writing a lot more consistent.

Writing Feedback / Studying history to learn from it - IELTS Writing Task II - Academic [3]

@Samathan
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on this writing of yours.

Try to be more precise with your language usage. This will help you have a more enhanced approach to writing, considering the fact that you are working within a very confined word count. Try your best to make the most out of your writing because of this. For instance, in the first sentence/introduction, you could have just said that the benefits of learning have been consistently a public issue. You don't need to elaborate this further, especially since that part should be done on the body paragraphs themselves - not in the introduction.

If you're able to cut down unnecessary parts of writing, it would help you improve the conclusion because you'd have more space for writing. You should discuss here a briefing of your analysis on the arguments against and for the studying of history. This analysis shouldn't be limited to just what your personal take is, especially since it shouldn't be limited to this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II; The problems of people living in urban areas - government should take some actions [4]

@Jealynn
Welcome! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.

Be more specific. In your first paragraph, what are the difficulties? While you are going to expound on these details on the body paragraphs themselves, a briefing of what these are would create more structure and dimension to the writing.

The construction of your sentences can be a bit baffling at times too. If we take a look at the second sentence of the second paragraph, the phrase midway is out-of-place. Try to stick with less complex sentences when they're not necessary, especially since accuracy plays a heavier role in your composition than how "complex" it all seems.

Avoid giving examples in the last sentence of a paragraph, especially since this part should be dedicated to concluding the information.

Scholarship / LOM for International Masters of Science in Environmental Engineering [3]

@hadilakk
Thanks for coming to the forum once more. Here is my take on your writing.

While I think that it was great that you incorporated immediately in the first paragraph your background, you should have incorporated here a part that would address the immediate questions (what your intent for writing is). If you do this, it would give clarity to your writing.

I noticed as well that you immediately incorporated details about microbiology. I find this out-of-place, especially since you should try your best to distinguish details to create more distinctive organization.

Apart from these, I find that the writing sufficiently complies with the bare minimum requirements. I would only suggest working more on the technical angles of your writing: sentence composition, grammar, punctuation, and the like. These are noticeable concerns that you still have, especially when you're discussing more complex and career-specific details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Solar Energy for Water Heating and Panels Location [4]

@santrinabawi
Thanks for coming to the site. Hopefully, this feedback gives you an idea on how you can improve your writing!

You need to be extra cautious when you are composing your sentences. There are areas wherein you appear to be a tad bit incomprehensible. For instance, in the first part of your discussion of the sentence composition, the flow of writing needs to be worked on. What I suggest is being extra cautious in terms of consistency of tenses for when you are writing. For instance, take a look at how I will correct this sentence: The water that pass the panels will be heated, eventually falling to the heating coil inside the water tank. and fall to heating coil inside water tank. Notice how I changed it to appear as though it's a more streamlined process. Read up again on the proper usage of tenses to help you with this.

I noticed the same issue with your last sentence. You should have said that you are putting solar panels on the land, not put solar panels. The direction of the writing is towards present participle - be cautious of this.

Undergraduate / Cite any cases you practiced cooperation, sharing, conflict management describe what you have learnt [3]

@kimvu123456
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on the writing.

There were instances wherein you could have utilized a more appropriate wording to improve the reception of your sentences. For instance, in the third paragraph's first line, you could have opted for a different word than indespensible, especially since the context of the sentence doesn't warrant for this. Consider saying that understanding is necessary.

Furthermore, make sure that you are constructing your sentences with the intent of being understood. The line that followed the aforementioned one also appears to be a bit unclear. Try to cut down the lengthiness of the sentence to improve comprehension. Apply this for the rest of the writing.

It is also necessary for you to reestablish the second element, assertiveness. While I know that the last paragraph was dedicated towards this element, you needed to focus more on reasserting it through being more clear with your language. You need to logically link rational decision-making with assertiveness.

Undergraduate / Do you think that it's relevant ? -Globa UGRAD Program : What is your definition of a great leader? [2]

@FairuzDhiaKhalis
Hi. This will be my feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate the straightforward answer on the first line, I find that you should have intensely incorporated that as a writing technique for the other portions of the write-up. This would help you have a more integral writing approach, especially since certain parts of your writing can still appear to be baffling. Try to find more concise manners to package your writing. For example, you should have compressed sentences two to four of the first paragraph into something along the lines of: Everyone is a leader in their own interpretation of the word. You need not to over-explain.

I also find that there's an imbalance when it comes to your explanation of what a leader stands for and what your leadership style is. Notice how you dedicated three paragraphs to the former, while you only gave one for the latter. Leverage it by using two for each, especially since one is not emphasized as more important than the other.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - argumentative essay- Would life be better without sophisticated technology? [2]

@Hirumi
Here's my feedback on your writing.

Try your best to create simpler sentences when you can. This will help your writing become easier to comprehend. When we take a look at, for instance, the first sentence of the second paragraph, there could have been alternative methods of writing it. You could have said: Peoples' social lives are reliant on the variation of mediums present in media-based communication. Opting to remove phrases such as "relatives or close friends" will help you improve your writing's entirety.

It would be better if you had incorporated more examples throughout the essay. There were portions wherein you needed to incorporate a more intensive approach to adding depth. When you spoke, for instance, about blogs and news articles, you could have opted to mention a more detailed input into the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Discussing both views about the influences what children watch and the amount of time they spend on. [2]

@ratter
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback.

Ensure that you are using the appropriate sentence construction and grammar to have a more clarified result in your writing. Alongside this, it is critical to be mindful of the small, intricate details that make-up your essay writing skills. When we take a look at your first paragraph, for example, you could have said: The opinions regarding watching television differ greatly.

Moreover, in your body paragraphs, I find that you need to have a more concise writing pattern. Try to also avoid incorporating opinions throughout the writing. This will ensure that you have a steady stream of viable arguments that will structure your writing more around logic than opinions, which is what is sought after when writing.

When you are concluding in the last paragraph, use more appropriate language as well. Opening up this portion with "in short" won't be suitable. Try to start it with something closer to "conclusively" if you can.

Writing Feedback / MONEY MANAGEMENT FOR FIRST-YEAR STUDENT [2]

@khangnguyen
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate how short and concise the first paragraph is, I find that it didn't directly address the thesis statement that is typically sought after in this part of the writing. What you needed to do was incorporate a more strategic pattern of writing that will provide a background and introduce as well why this topic is essential. Try to add a sentence between these two sentences - one that will relay why financial management is an indispensable personal skill. Doing this will surely help you writing become a lot more integral.

Since you have a set of reasons that rationalize the logic of your writing, I suggest that you stick with trying to compartmentalize everything in a more sophisticated light. Notice how you started reason one with "one of the main reasons" - these phrases typically do not suggest that you are following a specific pattern of thinking. Try sticking with basic determiners such as firstly, secondly, and the like. Doing this will help organize your writing too so that readers can anticipate what the rest of the writing holds for them.

The conclusion also is a bit thin in the writing. I recommend that you try to link back to the introductory paragraph. Given that you started the essay by mentioning why financial management is a crucial part of adulthood, try to reiterate it in the conclusion to create a more solution-oriented writing approach, which will be more effective than what you currently have.

Undergraduate / Even The Most Random Decisions Can Cause A Major Turn In Your Life [3]

@itukuboy
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on the writing you've posted.

While I appreciate the story-telling in the first paragraph, you should have stuck with conventional writing patterns to create more clarity. It is imperative that you aren't misunderstood in the first parts, especially since you have so much detail to work with. Make shorter sentences. Capitalize on using more periods instead of commas, considering that certain parts of the essay called for the former than the latter.

Even though the conclusion held onto a specific value/trait that you wanted to promote, try to incorporate this formatting of writing throughout the rest of the essay. You need to be pushing for a very specific virtue that would serve as the foundation for writing. Without this, you are merely doing a story-telling without proving how necessary it is for the evaluators to look in-depth into the writing itself.

Ensure that you read up on the fundamentals of writing. The grammar, sentence composition, and the usage of punctuation are all staggeringly obvious mistakes throughout the rest of the writing too.