Writing Feedback / Discuss: COMPUTER INTELLIGENCE [2]

Computer vs human

I hope that I got the discussion essay structure correct this time! Thank you in advance for your feedback, everyone!
A band score estimation will be helpful too.

Some scientists believe that in the future computers will be more intelligence than human beings. While some see this as a positive development others worry about the negative consequences.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

WORD COUNT: 287.

There is no doubt that the advancement of computers is happening rapidly. While I share the concern with people who worry about the detrimental effects of this trend, I am on the side with the ones that are fascinated by its potential implications.

On the one hand, the fear of intelligence machines is not radical. Many programs, nowadays, deeply analyze the users' behavior patterns and can make an impact on human lives in various ways. One clear example is the daily recommendations of music, next destinations, or suggestions on who to contacts that are provided by smartphones. They can accurately reflect the user's preference and even predict the next decisions. Opponents to the technology development claim that future machines can have increasing controls on human by giving such delicate guidance.

On the other hand, computers are invented and enhanced to serve for a better living experience. Modern people can enjoy the ease of living without the need of doing many household chores. Floors are cleaned by automated vacuum robots, dishes become spotless by the work of the dishwashers. Above all, these works are programmed by humans; we hold firmly the control over these computers. People who support the modernization point out that if the computing engineers design the computers to have narrow specializations, such as the cleaning robots, the fear of the aforementioned opponent is minimized. I think that technology is the future, hence we should take proactive actions to ensure our sustainable prospect, and not to neglect its benefits.

In conclusion, the impact of technology is profound. The worry that computers will overtake humans is reasonable, however, engineers can strictly limit the computer's capability. Overall, I strongly believe that technological advancement will improve human living quality.

Writing Feedback / Criminal Reoffence - Causes and Solutions [2]

Many thanks to those you commented on my previous writing. Hope to receive your opinions on this piece as well!
Thank you to all!

TOPIC:

Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they released from prison

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What do you think are the causes of this?
What potential solutions can you suggest?
WORD COUNT: 294.

The issue of criminals re-offence has always been concerning for the authorities. There are some possible reasons why one person still break the law after being in prison. In this essay, I will suggest some ways to help mitigate the problems.

There is no doubt that having a criminal record can dramatically impact a person's life, especially from the personal finance and social perspectives. Coming out from prisons, many offenders are left behind from a fast-growing economy. The lack of trade skills and knowledge refrain ex-criminals from earning an adequate living. I think that low incomes is the major reason that push people to commit wrong doings. In addition, society tends to avoid connections to people with a troubled past, making these individuals a victim of isolation and discrimination. The feeling of bitterness may re-evoke their cognitive law-breaking patterns.

From my perspective, both the government and the society can help to resolve these problems. To start off, the mental health of confined individuals must be well-cared about. There should be well-designed rehabilitation programs that teach them the rights and wrongs, and the responsibilities of a good citizens. With the right techniques, changing a person from his understanding is key to a powerful improvement in behaviors. Besides that, to ensure that criminals can be employed after the imprisonment, apprenticeship programs and safe community jobs can provide these people with skills and experiences. At the same time, we should have more generous view about offenders and encourage them to re-integrate into the community.

It is true that some criminals repeat their mistakes in the past. To me, reasons may varies from financial hardships to the failure to create desirable social relationships. To tackle these issues, governments should provide supportive rehabilitation programs and people in the community should also change their attitudes toward ex-criminals.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Helping other countries - Financial or Non-financial Aid is better? [2]

Many thanks for your comments. I hope that I got the structure of the discussion essay correct. If not, please show me the way to do it.

TOPIC: More developing countries are given aid from international organizations to help them in their development plans. Some people argue that financial aid is important but others suggest that practical aid and advice are more important.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

WORD COUNT: 289.

Many nations, nowadays, are receiving financial support from international sources; and people are having different views about this. While some believe the monetary investment is very effective, I share the view with people who think that having nonfinancial supports is a better solution.

Financial aid is practical, necessary support to countries in many cases. It may come under various forms, including money, workforce, and machines, for instance. Without this support from external bodies, many countries may not be able to launch crucial works. To take an example, Africa has been accessing the resources from the World Bank and several nations to build roads, more hospitals, and schools for the citizens. These basic facilities are built from the availability of the financial resource.

However, advice and nonfinancial support can also bring immense benefits. Firstly, sending experts oversea is a common option that many governments do. These professional individuals can share valuable skills and experiences with local peers, and in many cases, offer technology transference. The knowledge and tools gained are not only helpful to a single project but also the future ones to come. To illustrate, the first subway system in Vietnam came from the cooperation between Japanese and domestic engineers. Secondly, wealthy economies can sign commercial contracts with developing countries. These agreements will encourage trades between nations, leading to sustainable development for all parties. In my opinion, I find that attaining mutual benefits is the most ideal solution, therefore, I am on this side of the argument.

In conclusion, there are indeed different ways that a country can help another. Financial assistance help achieve realistic goals, whereas, nonfinancial support may bring more values in the long-term for associated countries. It seems to me that the second method is better.

Writing Feedback / Teaching discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, or it's parents duty? [7]

Hi! This is my first attempt to write a 5-paragraph discussion essay. I wish to shorten it to 4 paragraphs if possible. Hope to see all comments!

A band score break down will be very helpful too!
Thank you!

TASK 2: Children's Discipline

TOPIC: Discipline is an ever-increasing problem in modern schools. Some people think that discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, while others think that this is the role of parents.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
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WORD COUNT: 285.

In recent years, the issue of students having a lack of discipline is concerning. Hence, there has been a debate about whether who should be responsible for the practice of the children - parents or teachers. The truth is both parties can make contributions.

On the one hand, fathers and mothers should hold the highest accountability of their children in any case. When the young ones reach the age to attend school, parents can show the children disciplines by helping them to come to class on time, wearing appropriate uniforms, or bringing books and stationaries. It is also the responsibility of the parents to teach their children to a righteous way of socializing and acting accordingly, in this case, to their classmates and teachers.

On the other hand, on weekdays, children spend more active time at school than at home. Therefore, it can be argued that teachers supervise young ones longer than their parents do and can generate a greater impact on a child. Educators can measure the discipline to wider degrees based on direct observation and can make adjustments promptly. For instance, if one kid refuses to come back to class after break time, the teachers can correct this disorderly act.

From my perspective, the discipline of a child extends beyond a school's area and tightly related to home orders as well; his understanding can be very similar at both places. For the best interest of a child, both the parents and teachers should cooperate well.

To conclude, the adults should provide support in their ways to correctly shape the young ones' discipline. I think that parents have the highest obligations to their children, whereas, educators have no less duty to tutor the future generation to good practice.

Writing Feedback / Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good... [2]

Hi! I am taking my first IELTS test in 2 weeks, please leave some comments! I highly appreciate a detailed band score too.

Thank you for your time and support!

TASK 2: Sports Sponsorship

TOPIC: Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good, while others think there are disadvantages to this.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

WORD COUNT: 276

As the competition between businesses getting more intense over time, so must do their advertising methods. Many companies choose to fund sports as a way to increase their publicity. I think that this is a good strategy, however, some drawbacks should also be weighed.

On the one hand, sports sponsorship has good intentions. Without extra funding, many sports events may have lacked the resource to run, and players receive inadequate support. For that reason, any companies that put the investment into these activities in need easily gain the public's fondness. For instance, Nestle Milo is famous for setting up annual intramural sports games for young Vietnamese. This campaign of Milo has been so successful that the company's image ties a strong bond with many youth athletics activities, and is widely recognized in Vietnam. By reaching a mass audience, Milo escalates its milk sales significantly.

On the other hand, sports advertisement is not suitable for all businesses. Small companies with limited finances may have little impact on an event such that their contributions are not recognized by the public. Furthermore, if their product placements cannot stand-out, small businesses can be lost in the sea of more powerful competitors. To take an example, the large majority of people will recall Red Bull when they think of Formula 1 series. The truth is these racing events are funded by above 20 corporations but all are overwhelmed by the giant drinking company.

To sum up, sports sponsorship by its nature brings benefits to all parties. I support this way of marketing. However, this advertisement strategy does bring some disadvantages as mentioned and should be put into consideration by all corporations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Appearance or Work Quality? Discuss both views. [5]

Hi everyone, by this thread, I want to ask for some advices on the writing timing: I am a slow writer, usually it takes me an hour or more to finish a task 2 essay. Apart from practicing more, what else should I do? How do you manage to have a high score essay within short timing?

Kindly give me a detailed band score, and any grammar, punctuation or sentencing fixes.
Thank you to all.

the importance of dress-code vs productivity at work

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

WORD COUNT: 279

It is argued by some companies that the dress-code of their employees should reflect their bright values. Whereas, others believe that work productivity is more desirable. While I agree that the level of output is crucial to an organization, in my opinion, appearance is not less important.

On the one hand, the skillful and dedicated services of the workforce are the key to the success of one company, not the physical outlook. In that regard, the job satisfaction of employees should be well-cared. As a thought, some organizations, such as Facebook or Google, promote free dress-code within their institutions. This policy allows workers to enjoy their freedom of choices and may sense the respect that the company offers. Many managers believe that wearing favorable clothes will eventually motivate individuals to work harder and improve the company's performance.

On the other hand, many organizations do business directly with their customers. As a result, the appearance of their staffs cannot be lightly weighted and should be professionally managed. For instance, employees at most retail shops are required to dress neatly and formally to greet buyers. A seller's image is the representation of his company, therefore, may influence the business and its prospect. Besides that, even internal staffs should wear suitable clothes. An appropriate clothing manner prepares a person for a successful job prospect, or potential career progression by creating great impressions with higher-ranking managers or colleagues.

In conclusion, it may depend on a company's belief or its way of doing business that the value of physical appearance varies. Working productivity indeeds valuable to any organizations. However, I think that outlook of one individual is meaningful and should always be regarded properly.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Animal Extinctions - causes and solutions [4]

Hello everyone, below is my writing on the topic of Animals.
Comments on IELTS marking criteria and estimated band score are sincerely welcomed!

Thank you very much for your time and support!

ANIMAL TOPIC: More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list.

What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?

[i]WORD COUNT: 278/i]

Nowadays, it is alarming that the lives of many species of animals on Earth are being seriously threatened, some have even been oppressed to non-existence. Numerous reasons contribute to this problem, whereas human holds the highest accountability. This essay will put forward some notable causes and suggest potential ways to tackle the issues.

Most of the negative impacts on animals are caused by human activities. Firstly, smokes and manufacturing wastes from factories around the world have caused serious environmental destruction. The air, land, and water qualities that all living beings share get heavily affected. It is evident that unlike the human, many vulnerable species cannot endure such extreme conditions. Secondly, since cities and farming areas constantly expand due to overpopulation, the home to myriad wild lives shrink in size. These two major issues are enough to jeopardize the existence of many creatures.

Nevertheless, there are several ways that countries can protect wild lives. A possible solution is that governments can designate areas for nature reserves. These carefully protected territories have a fine ecosystem that can cultivate and allow the many animal populations to thrive. To provide another direct solution, Chinese authorities once chose mates and manual aided the reproductions of pandas and rare elephants. At the time, these actions were vital to maintaining the continuation of these animals. Additionally, in regards to the effects of industrialization and urbanization, countries must impose stricter regulations to ensure sustainable growth. These controls are essential for long-term benefits.

The endangerment of many wild-life animals is real. Human is responsible for many of the reasons why this issue occurs. Hence, all countries should marshal their powers to revise the Earth's balance biosphere.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: Plastic Bottle Production Process [2]

Hi! I would love to see comments based upon IELTS marking criteria, and possibly a detailed band score!
Thank you!

Task 1: Plastic bottle production process.

WORD COUNT: 160

The diagram illustrates how a plastic bottle is made. Overall, there are 6 stages in the production process. The principle concept requires the plastic to be heated and shaped to form a bottle.

The process begins when a preform is placed inside an extruder machine with a heat source. Once the piece melts, the machine is removed. Subsequently, four separate pieces of mould then enclose to form a bottle shape surrounding the preform, which stays at the cap of the structure.

The preform stays within the mould for the majority of the production period for the shaping purpose. Now in the 4th and 5th stages, through the opening, a needle is injected to the preform to discharge pressurized air. The hot, therefore malleable, material expands along the moulds until a desirable shape emerges. It is let cold down and the mould pieces are removed by this time. At the final stage of the process, a plastic bottle is successfully produced.

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Writing Feedback / TASK 1: Maps of the Olive Drive Area [2]

Hi! I would love to see comments based upon IELTS marking criteria, and possibly a detailed band score!
Thank you!

TASK 1 (Maps): The two maps below show the developments along Olive Drive before and after the construction of new facilities between 1980 and 2010.

summarise the information

WORD COUNT: 174

The two maps provide information on how areas along the Olive Drive changed by comparing the years of 1980 and 2000. This area had grown larger in residential capacity and offered many new businesses. Overall, it is clear that more housing units and retail establishments were built.

As compared to 1980, the community had 5 more houses, in the same areas with the old ones, located along Olive Drive. The most significant difference to the town was the removal of the shopping compound; a shopping center and a supermarket replaced its place. Next to the new buildings, the old bank now transformed into a café. Furthermore, a new school was constructed in the unused land to the northeast of the map.

Other areas around the Olive Drive had little changes. Some more vehicle tracks emerged to support internal traffic. Only the community center shrank in size to share the space with a small bank in the southern direction. Next to them, the hospital and the park in the north of the map remain unchanged.

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Writing Feedback / Online communication platforms reach out across the globe and befriend others from different nations [3]

HI! I have made some adjustment to my writing in order to meet the structure requirements.
I always appreciate comments, even if they seems short and simple!
An estimation of the band score of my writing will also be very helpful.

Thank you!

International Communication Online

COMMUNICATION TOPIC 1: Some people think that being able to communicate with others online is breaking down geographical barriers and enabling people, who would normally never have the chance to meet, to communicate.

What are the advantages of international communication online?
Are there any disadvantages?

WORD COUNT: 279

The rapid development of technologies has revolutionized many ways how we communicate. Nowadays, the geographical distance between human seems unsubstantial. These changes meant to bring immense advances, however, come along are some negative implications that should also be discussed.

Technology has undoubtedly improved the human way of living. Online communication platforms such as Skype, Whatsapp, and Viber, now provide flawless connectivity to their users. Not only to stay in touch with close friends and families, but a person also can reach out across the globe and befriend others from different nationalities. The exchange of ideas and beliefs create valuable, universal relationships that bridge the cultural gaps between nations. Yet, all of these online connectivities are both time and cost-effective, since the need to physically travel is unnecessary. This allows more people who have personal difficulties to still communicate with the world.

However, international online communication may have its dangers. Firstly, many nations' unique cultures may be altered by the influence of globalization since many younger generations want to change their lifestyles taken from other parts of the world. For instance, many Vietnamese music groups are trying to dress and sing like influencing Korean colleagues. Secondly, privacy has always been a major concern for any online activity. Without vital awareness and cautions, a person may have his information, such as messages and contacts, stolen, or become a target for cyber-attacks.

In conclusion, the ability to effectively communicate across borders through online platforms allow humanity to create more intimate bonds. However, the risk of cultural assimilation and the lack of privacy on the Internet should not be ignored. Everyone should be aware of these advantages and disadvantages for better online communication usages.

Writing Feedback / The investments of many governments in the arts are pointless and should be reallocated elsewhere [3]

wasting money on the arts?

Hi, this is my first attempt to write an IELTS Writing Task 2.
Can someone estimate the band score of this writing please?

Thank you all!

ART TOPIC: Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?

WORD COUNT: 253

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It is thought by some individuals that the investments of many governments in the arts are pointless and should be reallocated to other beneficial sectors. I completely disagree with this point of view.

Arts cultivate a society from the individual level. They have a magical ability to enrich a person's soul with various degrees of enjoyment. These exclusive personal experiences then have the power to evoke one's creativity and may become his/her inspirations and immense life motivation. In fact, an overwhelming majority of Nobel Prize winners share common interests in arts - from playing classical pianos to producing oil paintings in their leisure time. Consequently, it is evident to claim that by encouraging the positive development of arts, countries are educating decent citizens.

On a bigger scale, arts conserve and promote a nation's cultural traditions and heritages. Different forms of artwork together reflect the length of history of society; hence, they are invaluable assets. Even more, with appropriate advertising strategies, a country can promote its unique cultural identity to the world to develop tourism. Every year, millions of K-pop fans travel to Korea to attend concerts and movie-lovers come to see the beauty of the country after watching unforgettable scenes onscreen. Korea has made wise and strong investments into its music and movie industries and the success has been tremendous such that its economy arguably relies on the arts now.

In conclusion, I believe that arts have beneficial influences on a country from different levels and aspects, and should receive adequate financing to support.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of four Countries (bar graph) [5]

Hi everyone! Please help me to improve this essay!
In this writing, I followed the 4-paragraph format: 1 Intro + 1 Overview + 2 Body
Can anyone please estimate the band score and also possibly provide some phrases that I can use to improve the writing?

Thank you.

occupation rates of men and women

The graph below shows the employment rate of each gender in four different countries in 2002.
Word Count: 202

The bar graph gives information about the occupation rates of men and women in 4 countries - South Africa, Chile, Finland, and Norway. The statistics dated in 2002. Units were measured in percentages.

Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women. Norway had the biggest combined workforce. Also, in Finland and Norway, the gender gaps were minimal. In contrast were the other two countries; the differences in employment rates between the genders were much greater, whereas the greatest occurred in Chile.

Looking at Norway, this country had the highest employment figures among all countries, reaching high 70% to 80% for both men and women. Having a similar pattern, the ratio of Finland workers of men to women were relatively evenly distributed (just under 70% and around 65% respectively). Both countries had the gender gap differences well under 10%.

Chile's gender balance was the most disproportioned. The number of Chilean men employed were as high as in Finland (just under 70%); however, women workers in this country were only half as much. Coming to South Africa, only 50% of all the men had occupations, which was the lowest statistic for male worker, and less than 40% of the women were employed.

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