Posts by Pahan - page 47

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Not being hopeless' - Working in a group or working independently? [3]

Some people prefere to implement their works,researches and investigations all by themselves;

Some people prefer to do their work and research alone.

However, some choose groups inorder to accomplish their tasks.

Others prefer to work in groups to accomplish their tasks.

.As far as I'm concerned,participating in a group has defenitely a lot more benefits than working individually, such as creating and achieving a better result
, having more time for focusing on our work and being motivated spi ritually.

As far as I'm concerned, a group of people working together has a lot more benefits to gain than someone working alone.

Yous essay is good but try to keep things simple. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / Born in Guangzhou ; Personal Statement - College Application [4]

My family and I came to the United States in 2004.

I think "moved" would be a better word than "came".

I was born in Guangzhou, China a very big city.

Guangzhou is the city right? Try saying it like this.
I was born in Guangzhou, a very big city in China. ... OR...
I was born in a very big city in China called Guangzhou.

When they told me at the age of 7, that our whole family is going to San Francisco, I was excited and nervous at the same time.

When I got to know that our whole family was moving to San Francisco, I was excited and nervous as any 7 year old boy would be.

My parents have always told me to work hard in school. It was a very difficult first year of school for me because I didn't know any English.

Didn't know "much" English would sound better, but that I might be wrong.

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

Hehehe I was joking. Obviously you wont forget your essay you just want it out of your head for a little while right? hehe don't worry that part is understandable. You have written a good essay. Keep it up. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / Impacts of and solutions for rural depopulation??? [6]

I like the essay. Very nice flow and you have presented your examples and arguments very well.

It is not so difficult to find a typical household in the centre of Hanoi with more than ten people living together in an extremely small area from 15 to 20 square meters.

.... very good example.... It catches the reader's eye. :)

If this situation lasts too long, it will affect seriously to the stability and prosperity of a society.

If this situation lasts too long, it will affect the stability and prosperity if a society in a negative manner.

Try talking about the problems caused due to unemployment. It undoubtedly has a direct relationship with the crimes committed in a city.

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Google, Microsoft and Apple' - UC - Describe the world you come from [4]

Computers have made my lives easier and more convenient.

Computers have made my life easier and more convenient. ... OR...
Computers have made many lives easier and more convenient.

Social networks have changed traditional way of communication.

Social networking has changed the traditional way of communicating.

They made it easier for me to access information though search engines, in Indonesia I had to go to the library and search precisely for the appropriate books.

They made it easier for me to access information through search engines. But in Indonesia I had to go to the library and look for the correct books to get what I need.

I like your essay and the way you have shown your enthusiasm towards computing. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / An Achievement/Risk and how you learned from it; CommonApp Essay [3]

Being the youngest in the middle-class family of four, all working relentlessly as either doctors or engineers, I grew up thinking that those two were the only professions in the world.

... The honest truth. It is what every child thinks. :)

Though, even as a child, my hands were always stained with ink and I shouldered large registers of my scribbles.

I don't think you need a "though" here. Or the commas.

When girls my age talked about clothes and make-up, I used my time writing.

Whilst the other girls were busy with their make up and being fashionable, I was busy writing.

There was always a register open in my lap during lessons, in hope of getting a word in when the teacher wasn't looking.

... Are you serious???? lol

Anyway It's a good essay. I enjoyed reading it. It would be better if you post the prompt as well. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrates on newspapers and magazines Ielts essay [6]

In recent years the topic of privacy of celebrated people on magazines and newspapers is debate

The topic of privacy of celebrities on magazines and newspapers has sparked a heated debate in the recent past.

Some people say it should be public to everyone, however I disagree with this attitude and believe these kinds of media should responsibility to what they write.

Some people believe that it should be public. I, however, disagree with this idea. The media should be responsible for what they write.

Firstly, supporters point to the fact that nowadays many favored people frequently use their money on charities and as a consequence, these activities lead to a few positive effects for our society akin to reducing of poverty rate and awakening human rights.

The sentence is too long nad it might confuse the reader. Try to break it down to 2 parts at least.

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Discuss why you want to study engineering and why DUKE? - DUKE supplement [3]

It is difficult for many Americans to grasp the dangers of impure drinking water.

... So true... :D

While our tap water is clean, for more than a billion people in the world this is not the case.

I think it is better to say it like this.
While our tap water is clean, it is not so for more than a billion people around the world.

Research on sustainable engineering solutions led me to discover the Duke Engineers for International Development (DEID) program, where students have taken initiative to start projects in water purification and distribution as part of their commitment to community development.

I like the way you built it up to this point.
I like the way you write. It has a natural flow to it. And I like the way you have presented your arguments and examples. It is a good essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / HAPPY TO BE HERE. Common app essay; topic of my choice [5]

I like the way you write. Your ideas are very clear and the essay is well constructed.

He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time.

This is the only place I found difficult to understand. Perhaps you should rephrase it.

Overall it's a very good essay. But I think it is always better to post the prompt along with your essay because we could give you more accurate feedback.

Please post the prompt if you can. :)

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

I like your first essay very much. You showed why Leigh university made you feel at home.
Very nicely constructed. Maybe you can emphasize a bit more on the teacher student relationship thing because that is unique aspect you are trying to answer the question with.

.... I like the start. And I like the idea of making a computer proficiency course mandatory.

:)

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / My physics teacher, the person who made an impact on me; UT Austin essay [4]

Throughout my ~~short,~~ short life I have several people that I have admired and strived to be like.

I think one short would be sufficient.

But the most important impact was the first I had in my academic life.

This sentence is not clear to me. Please rephrase it.

Really there were only two things that he did right as my teacher to push me into taking my education into my own hands.

I'm assuming it was Mr Porter who helped you find the right path. I think it is better to say it like this.
There were only 2 things that Mr Potter did to make me realize what I should do with my education.

The first thing was the conduct of his lessons which easily provided me with knowledge.

Again there is something odd about this sentence.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / What would you change if you are given a chance? [3]

The road problem will make trouble to people in traffic.

This road creates problems to people stuck in traffic.

Especially, people who drive a motorbike will face too much dust because of unpaved and rough road.

Especially, people who drive a motorbikes will face too much dust because of the unpaved and rough road.

In contrast, if the government has a budget to repair the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic and other effects would reduce more.

In contrast, if the government repairs the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic would no longer exist.

The paved road or concrete road would bring the available for transportation.

This sentence is not clear. please rephrase it.

the problem in my hometown is to have a bad road

Do not use "to" here since it would mean that your hometown does not have a bad road but would not like to have 1 in the future.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Most important benefits from a job: relax, and fulfilling - even if less money [8]

I can see a few grammar mistakes.

Is it more important to do work that one finds fulfilling or work that pay well?

It is good to chose work that one finds fulfill than one that pay well, because when you're working where you relax, and fulfill even though they have to pay well.

This sentence is not clear enough. Fulfillment is not completely about relaxing.
I think it is better to find work that is fulfilling than one that pays well.

I agree with you. But it is important to maintain a delicate balance between them. Because in the modern world it is find to hard a job which is both fulfilling and that pays your rent.

But overall I think you have presented good facts.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Life with Courage [4]

In my life time I have rarely be called upon to use courage.

I have not been in many situations where my courage was tested.

Those people use their courage way more than they should need too just by walking out their door but they have no choice.

This sentence sounds odd. Might be a good idea to rephrase it like this.
These people need to be courageous just to step outside their own house.

And our military; those people have more courage and bravery than any one person out there on the planet.

You normally don't say more courage or less courage. You could say that a person is courageous or that he is not.

It's just that some people have a harder time finding it then others.

It's just that some people have a harder time finding it than others.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The concept of only mothers raising their kids has become an old one [4]

A further reason

Another reason

from psychological point of view

from a psychological point of view

from educational perspective

from an educational perspective

For example, a mother can teach soft skills such as communicating and interacting with people while the father can teach some tough skills which are required to survive the harsh realities of life.

Though this is what usually happens I don't quite agree with the idea. Mothers are more than capable of teaching their children about the hardships in life. There are plenty of single mothers who are doing a wonderful job with their kids.

Overall though, I think your essay is good. You have constructed it well.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Readily prepared' - Most significant challenge you've faced? (MIT) [4]

grammer

It is spelled grammar. :)

Readily prepared, passport in hand socks for the cold nights to come...

This sentence is too long. Try to break it down.
It was the first time of my life that I had to travel alone. I was going to Germany for an astronomy camp and my mind was filled with images about the nights I will spend observing those Arab-named stars.

I believe what you have written is a good life experience for this essay. But I think it would be better if you write how you dealt with it.

Hope my suggestions help. :)

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) foreign visitors should be charged more? [5]

It irrational to charge much more, from foreigners because of their nationality

I do not think you need a comma there.

For instance, a foreigner should pay more money and suffer local peoples' harsh behavior by standing in the quae to visit a historical monument may spoil the enjoyment of the total trip.

Quae? I think it's queue you are looking for.
It seems unfair for a foreigner to pay more and to be standing in the same queue with the locals just to see a historical monument. It might spoil his entire journey.

Tourist demands for the maximum enjoyment of their money.

Tourists expect the maximum for what they pay .

I believe that, charge a little more from the foreign visitors is justifiable.

I believe that foreign visitors should be charged slightly more than the locals.

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home [5]

It's a very touching story.
Here are my suggestions.

So, I get home and I see my dad drinking like he always does.

When i got home, I saw my dad drinking as usually.

I totally didn' t know it was his birthday

totally?? I don't think this is a speech. But I can't be sure because there is no prompt.

Anyway you have mixed up the tenses here and there. I think writing everything in the past tense would be the best way to do this essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

I like the way you have shown your love for this art. But I'm not sure whether it's a good thing for you to forget things like your papers or essays because of it. :P

I, instead, focus on my creation.

My focus is on my creation instead. ... OR... Instead, I focus on my essay.
There's a lot more you can say about this thing. Perhaps a life experience where paper cutting really helped you.

But its still a nicely constructed essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / My father bought me a telescope - signficant experience ;Common App essay [3]

This is a nice essay and it has got a nice flow to it. :)
Here are my suggestions.

. I remember first using it and learning that some of the dots of light in the night sky, the ones that mesmerize me, were planets!

When I used it for the first time, I understood that some of the dots of light in the sky I was so fascinated about were actually planets!

It's something that's difficult to explain, this feeling that telescope inspired in me.

I believe you should use a "the" in front of the telescope.

I like the first couple of paragraphs but the others made it a little confusing.

But i still think you have written a good essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

And I'm sorry I did not know that facet actually meant aspect. And now it makes much more sense to me. I am really sorry about that. :)

But I hope you found my other suggestions useful..

Hope to see more essays from you aszxxccv...

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Topic: The Influence of the Internet's knowledge on life [4]

Nowadays, Internet is the compulsory part of every people's life.

The internet is an essential element in people's lives.

This enormous increase in the availability of information profoundly influence people's life in today's world, both positive and negative.

This enormous increase in the availability of information profoundly influence people's life in today's world, both positively and negatively.

Those knowledge enables people to be creative, to invent, to make everything they want.

This knowledge enables people to be creative, to invent, to make everything they want. .... OR
This knowledge helps people to be creative, to invent and to achieve anything they want.

But this statement creates a conflict with your previous statement where you say that people's thoughts become lackluster due to the internet. If it helps people to be inventive and creative their thoughts can not be dull....

Try to correct your grammar mistakes. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Is saving endangered species worth? 'maintain the balance of ecological systems' [3]

This is a wonderfully constructed essay. :)
I could not find much faults in it as it had been organized very well.

we do know that no creature exists in isolation and that ecosystems are delicate arrangements where plants and animals all depends each other for survival.

we do know that no creature exists in isolation and that ecosystems are delicate arrangements where plants and animals all depend on one another for survival.

I too agree on preserving endangered species merely on the fact that all beings have a right to exist, but it must be understood that there is a limit of beings the planet can withstand. Preserving animals who have been endangered due to human activity is no doubt a responsibility, but the rest should be decided by nature. It may seem unkind, but trying to preserve each and every being might result a bigger chaos.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Will letter writing disappear? [5]

It's a good essay. I can see a few grammar mistakes here and there.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

Today, communication between people become easier than before, people usually use mobile phone or computer instead of writing traditional letters to contact each others.

Communication has become very easy in the modern world. In the past people relied on letters to communicate with one another but now they usually use the mobile phone or the computer.

it is no doubt that has been delivered much faster, quicker and more efficient.

It is no doubt that information is being delivered much faster and more efficiently than through a letter.

As can be seen, people are getting impatient to wait for any information than in the old time.

It can be seen that people are not patient anymore to wait for information like in the past.

I think you have presented good facts. Try to work out your grammar mistakes. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'the aging tendency and burden on the society' - my ielts essay [4]

This is topic that says a lot about the modern world.
Here are some suggestions for you.

Due to the enhanced living conditions among the grey population, ageing has become a commonplace in the society.

The improved living standards of the world have increased the aging population in the society.

Against this backdrop, some people insist on the beneficial impacts it brings to society, whereas there are other voices against it.

Some people insist that this increasing tendency of the aging population is useful to the society. Others see it as a negative impact on the world.

To begin with, the climbing percentage of the ageing population poses a threat to the labor force.

... This is a good point and it has impacted the world already.

Such a trend will lead to a reduction in the number of eligible workers, which impairs the productivity in the workplace and exerts an adverse impact on the overall well-being of society, since growth in GDP is highly correlated with the increase in the number of eligible young employees.

... this sentence is too long. Try to break it down to 2 or 3 sentences.

You have presented good points. I hope my suggestions were helpful. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / politicians have the greatest influence on the world. [6]

I like the way you have organized the essay. Its very clear. One paragraph for the politicians and one for the scientists. :)
Here are some suggestions that might be useful.

Nevertheless, other people are against this statement as they assert that both politicians and scientists are playing indispensable roles in changing people's everyday life.

I don't think you need the "Nevertheless" part here.
Other people are against this statement as they assert that both politicians and scientists are playing indispensable roles in changing people's everyday life.

I think it would be better to add a little bit more about scientists.

This is a good essay and I hope my suggestions helped. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / Writting a argument synthesis essay about Divorce and children [3]

this is a very interesting topic to write on and you have presented some very good facts. :)
Here are some suggestions you may find useful.

Divorce generally puts children at greater risk for many kinds of problems.

A divorce is child's nightmare.It is one of the most harmful things that could happen to his future.

However, most children of divorce do not experience those serious problems; most children are strong and resilient, and most have returned to a pretty normal life after 2-3 years.

... Children of divorce????
Thankfully, most children whose parents have divorced have managed somehow to overcome the emotional trauma.

Try and reduce the grammatical errors and you will have done a good job. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Exterior of buildings is more important than their functions. [6]

I think this is a great essay. It has a natural flow to it and you have presented plenty of good facts. :)
Here are a few suggestions you might find useful.

There is no denying that for a magnificent building, the appearance is vital.

Appearance is the vital element for a magnificent building.

This architecture is the landmark or a symbol of city and represents the specific cultural ethos, which in turn attracts the tourists from all over the world and raises the sense of national pride for residents.

... This is an very important sentence. But i got the feeling that it was a little too long. Try to break it down to 2.

More importance should be attached to better the internal function and safety condition.

More importance should be given to the internal function and the safety aspect of the building.

your essay is very good. I hope my suggestions were of use. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

I think your topic should be "I love the different facts of Taipei"and not "facets"

You have written a good essay but there are a few grammar mistakes.

I love the various features in Taipei.

I can simultaneously stay in a high technology, modern, fast-pace city and a city filled with art spirit and cozy atmosphere.

... This is an important sentence because you are telling the reader what Taipei is like.
Taipei is a modern, fast paced city with cozy atmosphere. It's place where one could find the latest technologies and is a great place to have fun.

More important, the famous high building in the world, Taipei 101 is also in this city.

More importantly, the world famous Taipei 101 building, which is the building in the world, is also within the city.

I like what you have done but it's not enough for an essay. Try to make it bigger. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) disappearing languages good or bad? [6]

No problem. :) If you rewrite your essay post it here. I'm more than happy to help.

People feel, unity, equality and encourage economical development.

....
I'm sorry I didn't see this before. I don't quite understand what you mean by people feel.

Another point is that having less languages might mean more shared ideas.

It would be easier to share ideas if everybody speaks one language.

To conclude, diversity is ~~the~~ a beauty of ~~the~~ nature.

... Nature has many things to make it beautiful. Diversity is just one of them. Therefore you will have to use 'a' instead of 'the'. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) disappearing languages good or bad? [6]

This is a very interesting topic. And you have presented good essay.
Here are a few suggestions. :)

Is this is a bad thing or could have fewer languages help bring people together.

Many languages are disappearing every year. Is this bad for the world or is it going to help unify the human race?

Globalization and liberalization made the world to shrink into the size of a village.

.... You are talking about the world becoming a global village right??
The world has become a global village and many languages have been forgotten during the process.

Language is the main tool of communication between people. A community's language is bond up with its culture and identity. Therefore, it may be difficult to preserve one without another.

.... This is a very good point..

This is actually a good essay. I hope my suggestions were helpful..

Pahan

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS--people prefer to follow sports events on TV rather than take part in sport [4]

You have written a good essay.
Here are a few suggestions:

An convincing example

A convincing example - It should be ''A'' because ''convincing'' starts with ''c'' which is not a vowel.
An example - Here it's ''An'' because ''example'' starts with the vowel ''e''

therefore, most ~~citizens~~ people should go out and take part in sports

''people'' sounds better :)

You better include a specific example for your reason ! I have not done IELTS, but I have read that this task requires your reasons to be supported by specific examples :)

Pahan

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / media focus too much on celebrites [3]

This is a very interesting topic and you have some good points.
There are a few grammar mistakes however.

These are the people from ordinary backgrounds and become famous in music, fashion and sports.

All the people who are famous in sport, music and fashion have come from ordinary backgrounds.

Is it right for the media to put attention on lives of famous people?

Is it right for the media to publicize the lives of famous people?

Recent years have witnessed an increasing attention is given to those celebrities by the media to cater to the taste and curiosity of the public.

During the last few years, the media has paid more attention on the lives of celebrities.

There is no single reason has contributed to the climbing trend of excessive exposure to the lives of famous people.

It is unclear what you are trying to say in this sentence. Better rephrase it.

The final paragraph is unclear to me.
I hope my suggestions are of use. :)

Pahan

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Building is permanent' - UW Undergrad Essay - My Character-Defining Moment [3]

This is a good essay and it has a very nice rhythm to it.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

I could not wait to visit this place that was calling my name and when I finally had received the opportunity to visit with my mother, I was elated.

... This is an important part of your essay.
I could not wait to visit this place that was calling my name and I was elated when i finally had the opportunity to pay a visit with my mother.

Ignore if I had misunderstood this but at the begining of the essay you are saying that you were mesmarized only when you went to Seattle but here it points out that you were already looking forward to visiting Seattle....

I think the ending needs a little bit more life. But overall I think it's a great essay. I hope my suggestions helped. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]

There are several reasons of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly taken to tackle the problem.

There are several reasons for this alarming trend, but measures could be taken to tackle the problem.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth in the average weight.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth of the average weight.

Firstly, in busy life, many people do not have time to make meals, instead, they rely on fast foods which are incredibly high in fat, salt and sugar are responsible for such ailment as obesity.

People nowadays have a busy life and they do not have time to make meals for themselves. Instead they rely on fast foods which are high in fat, salt and sugar.

I think you have presented very good points in the last paragraph. Try to reduce the length of the sentences because I felt as if though they were a little too long. Try to correct the grammatical errors also. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic. women's role in modern society [5]

You are a very good writer and your essay has a nice flow.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

But with the development of industry, the role of women in modern society has significantly changed after the First World War.

I think it would be a good idea to state how the development of industry changed the role of women because I can't find a direct connection between them.

The industrial revolution brought about a change in the role of women.

I think it's spelled Quran. I'm not sure because I'm not a Muslim but I am somewhat familiar with the religion.

You have written a good essay, but I fear that you have not justified what is required. You have twice said that man is not sexually discriminated (to which I agree...) but have not presented anything to back it up. Instead you have focused on saying how women are still mistreated because they are women. I think you should present an argument saying why man is not sexually discriminated.

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Talents; Born with them or not? IELTS [6]

You have good points for your essay, but there are a few grammatical errors here and there.

Admittedly, people with talent will have greater achievement then those people who don't have.

People who are born with talent will have greater success than those who are born without it. .... OR...
People who are born with talent will achieve more than those who are born without it.

Such as the superior singer Michael Jackson, who will never be so successes without his talented voice.

A voice is actually not a talent. His ability to sing was actually the talent you are talking about. He had a gifted voice however. But i always thought that MJ was so successful because of his dance moves. ;)

The king of pop, Michael Jackson, would have never been so successful without his talent at singing.

I agree with the fact that talent is something a person should be born with. It can not be given to you in anyway. However by training hard and long you can refine your skill, and if you are anyway talented at it you will succeed very easily. Stress the importance of refining your skill more in your essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Undergraduate / My Father, My Hero - Personal Essay [7]

This essay is not bad but i feel that it needs improvement.

Throughout a child's life their parents guide them into the right direction while being there every step of the way.

This is true to every child and therefore needs to be presented properly.
Parents guide their children throughout their lives. They will make sure that their child is on the right path and would be there for him every step of the way.

At a young age I did not have a mother figure in my life, she unexpectedly walked out leaving my military dad with two young girls and it was up to him to take on the roles of a mother and father.

...This is an important part of your essay as it shows the huge responsibility your father had been left with. I think it would sound better like this.

My mother walked out on my father when i was just a little girl, leaving him to take care of me and my sister all alone whilst he served in the military.

The part where you say unlike my mother is inappropriate because it is hard to understand the connection between that and the part that follows.

I like the way you have shown how much you and your dad were close. :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Universities and high schools should teach students specific careers [5]

You have understood the topic of the essay correctly. Here are a few suggestions that may improve it furher...

However, I disagree with this statements , because students can be well ~~adjusted~~prepared for~~in their field for~~ their future in their desired field, and by ~~studying about~~offering coursed on specific careers, universities and high schools can raise their attendance rate ~~of in school~~ .

Give examples for your reasoning
hope my suggestions help :)

Pahan

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

:D hahahahaaa

But writing is a very important skill you know :D
You cannot master it without practicing :D .... Read good essays as Dumi often suggests to the guys who practice for TOEFL and IELTS. It helps a lot!

Don't let your good ideas go waste... Pen them down; rather type them here and post ... I will keep helping you!
Cheer up my friend! :D