Scholarship / Tell us about paid or voluntary work experience and/or how you plan to contribute to Uni [3]

Thao. you should take a more integrated approach to the essay prompt. What I mean by an integrated approach is for you to discuss your work experience at say, the bank. then discuss the experience that you had working there and the kind of money that you were earning. Explain how you used the money in your personal life. Then relate your personal expenses to your student life. include an explanation as to how you feel that your experience at the bank will help you become a better student or a better friend to your classmates and dorm mates.

The blood donation drive that you always join is a nice touch for the essay. I would suggest that you indicate how you plan to continue participating in the activity in college. Maybe mention becoming a member of the university chapter of the Red Cross or a similar organization.

I think you should open your essay with your current conclusion. I has an interesting opening statement that could very well hook the reviewer and entice him to continue reading your essay. If you can somehow connect other volunteer or paid activities to your opening statement, you will be able to further prove to the reviewer that you have a well rounded personality and you are not just all about academics.

Writing Feedback / The pie chart compares the amount of average consumption of family in one country from 1950 to 2010. [2]

... of A family in one country ... AS compared by percentage. ... percentage of consumption MONEY SPENT ON to the housing and food. All of consumption of THE family was increase INCREASED until in the end OF THE period.

... the most favorite BASIC expenditure of people was housing, representing stood at 72.1% ... a half of all consumption EXPENSES, and it was SAW A dramatic decrease in 2010 by just 22 per cent %. People consumed SPENT ON food at 11.2%, i... largest of consumption EXPENSE and increasing INCREASED more than ... 34.0 per cent %... education, transportation, health care, and otherS were fairly low, at only around just under seven per cent each. 7 % EACH.

- When you start out with the percent sign, use the percent sign throughout the essay. do not keep shifting from the sign to the word. It gets confusing to read. Consistency is important in any report. Also percent is one word, not two.

... enormously at more than around a fourth fold... spent of ON health care ... were nearly NOT SIGNIFICANTLY changed not significantly. But consumption of THE family from other ON OTHER EXPENSES increased considerably ... four per cent to 19.2 per cent. 4% TO 19.2 %

Scholarship / Motivation letter on adacemic performance, reason's for applying makes you appropraite for scholarsh [3]

Adeniyi, the scholarship needs to have a more coherent direction. The discussion right now is trying to present too much information, all of which is not directly related to your scholarship application. You have to consider what the scholarship committee would be interesting in reading or discovering about you that would make them believe that you are a good candidate for the free ride to the university. The essay can use some better organization at this point.

For the first paragraph of the essay consider explaining what you mean by graduating with a second class degree for the benefit of those who might not be familiar with the term. Remember that you are applying to a school outside of Nigeria so you need to be specific about certain terms. Describe this as the reason why you feel that you must leave your country in order to gain a better education. Speak of your good grades and then the hope that you have to further improve yourself through the process of studying abroad. Make sure to set up a separate paragraph that will explain your vision for your future career and how the scholarship holds the key to all of your plans becoming a reality.

The second paragraph, should explain why you are unable to pay for the university fees on your own. Why can't your parents help you shoulder the costs? If you are applying for a full scholarship, explain why you do not have any savings to push towards your academic fees or, indicate how much money you have saved up that you will be willing to use to further your academic improvement.

For the final paragraph, try to explain how the ideas of the scholarship foundation tie in directly with your ideas for your future and your future career. The idea of wanting to give back to India through your professional career is a nice point of discussion that the committee will most likely consider during the deliberation stages.

If you can focus the essay on those more salient points, the essay will be easier to edit and should offer a better motivation for your scholarship application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : IS ENTERTAINER'S-LIFE-RELATED INFORMATION MEANINGFUL FOR US? [2]

Annisa, your introductory paragraph is unclear. You have not successfully restated the prompt thesis and your outline of the discussion doesn't really make much sense. Try to refine the introduction so that it reflects the two points of view that will be discussed in the essay. Then clarify your point of view with an indication that all of the aspects you have just presented will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

While the rest of the essay does contain grammatical errors, I have to point out that the errors still allowed you to express your message / idea / opinion regarding the topic being discussed. Each paragraph is developed with a sense of clarity that can be worked through by the examiner had this been an actual test. I want to specially mention the way that you remembered to present your personal opinion as a separate, stand alone paragraph. Where most people would bundle that into the conclusion, you wrote the essay perfectly in the sense that you bothered to develop your opinion paragraph before you closed the essay with an understandable conclusion. So congratulations on doing something really well in the essay that could help you achieve a better score come test time :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - THE PROPORTION OF SEVERAL ISSUE FACED BY PEOPLE GOING ABROAD [4]

There are some relatively minor corrections that needed to be addressed in the report. Nothing that would clearly affect the report that you wrote but aiming for better grammar in your next essay will be a benefit to your final score. So think of each essay that you write as an actual test that will be graded. Do your best to make sure that the grammar or message of the essay is very clear to the reader.

... faced by people going abroad for living there IMMIGRATING according to... that the age group who have WITH the largest problems is middle age's ARE THE MIDDLE AGE immigrants... while finding A school for their ...

... over 55 in which WITH this problem is experienced by more than 35% for OF both age's groups... for THE population ... dominant difficulty is arranging money A SOURCE OF INCOME. Next, this problem is THIS IS also the second most COMMON problem encountered by 35-54 years old people and THE elderly group with A proportion were respectively OF 35% and SIGNIFYING nearly three in ten...

witnessed the percentage approximately 32% for youngest group.
- Witnessed what percentage? to what degree?

... it was the lowest percentages .

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

Hi AD, I suggest tha tyou change up the essay little before you submit it to the Canadian university. I always caution the students against submitting the same essay to all the universities because each university has a specific requirement for their essays. Be it a statement of interest, statement of purpose, or even a personal statement, you have to make sure that you vary or change the essay a bit before you submit it. Make sure that it fits the parameters and expectations of each essay prompt that you plan to use the essay for.

It is always easier to just edit the essay before you submit it to the new university. Just make sure that the essay you have will be responsive to the prompt that you are provided with. So before you go submitting this essay to the Canadian university, make sure that it responds to the reviewer's expectations. If you are not sure if the essay applies to the requirements, you can always consult with me here. I'll always be more than happy to assist you :-)

Writing Feedback / Exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company [4]

You need to make sure that you double check the spelling of the information provided in the chart whenever possible. the fact that you allowed yourself to submit this essay without proof reading shows a lack of professionalism and ability as a researcher on your part. That means that any information coming from you is unreliable and therefore, useless to the people reading it. Needless to say, the lack of professionalism in your writing will have seriously affected your final score.

... employees related IN RELATION to exercise and absenteeism... two departments engaged in BASED UPON the amount of ... while majority OF THE employees did it between five and ten hours. , W we can also see ...

... employees exercised EXERCISING between five and ten hours WERE fairly similar in THE Birmingham and London departmentS, ... Brimingham BIRMINGHAM doing workout WORKING OUT for less than five hours ... in Brimingham BIRMINGHAM exercised ... a gap OF around 15%. ... A less marked difference.

... THE London department was recorded 216 employees ... Brimingham one THE BIRMINGHAM DEPARTMENT. ... a year in both of company DEPARTMENTS bore fairly similar NUMBERS to ...

Writing Feedback / Many people say that the parents are the pillar liable to care of they children's healthy lifestyle [4]

The introduction is much better now. It is more applicable to the essay prompt so we can turn our focus towards the grammatical development and errors of the essay now. by the way, the conclusion needs some more work. I gave you an example of what it should contain below.

...This occurred IS BELIEVED TO BE due to A lack of INTEREST ON THE PART OF THE parents and school attention towardS THE WAY THAT children's way of live. I am more likely to argue this notion since both of them are by far the most considerable time used by scholars. SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH CHILDREN AND SHOULD NOTICE THE UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE OF THE CHILD.

Needless to say, first educational value given for children is derived from parents. PARENTS ARE THE FIRST EDUCATORS OF THE CHILDREN. THEY TEACH THE CHILDREN TO Scholars know to talk, walk, read, write and even meet their daily need independently is starting from parent's role . ... fast food as their primary dines FOOD SOURCE and never invite them to have an exercise, there will be no doubt that a live under health measurement is hard to be practiced by children THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THE CHILDREN WILL LIVE UNHEALTHY LIVES... a healthy lifestyle has to be educated TAUGHT TO THE CHILDREN since they are still young so that this doctor-recommended life can be children's customs SO IT CAN BECOME A PART OF THEIR WAY OF LIFE IN THE FUTURE.

... apparently are the party which ALSO responsible for this problem as well since scholars SINCE THE CHILDREN tend to have more activities in schools these daysarranging SINCE THEY ARE AT THE SCHOOL from morning to the afternoon. With this circumstance, a life under health measurement should be instructed and implemented since students are in the basic level THEREFORE, TEACHERS CAN EDUCATE CHILDREN EARLY ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. . Aside from socializing children how to live healthily, this THIS can be started also by either providing a canteen ... However, once THE school board tend to be irresponsible for this such as let educating children consume much fast food sold at school and never practice regular sport, BECOMES IRRESPONSIBLE IN APPLYING THIS METHOD OF TEACHING, this, of course, will lead to children who practice a life far under doctor HEALTH recommendation.

To sum up, both parents and schools are pillars having more crucial age for children to know about valuable lesson in their lives. So TO SUM UP, BOTH THE SCHOOLS AND PARENTS HAVE A DEGREE OF RESPONSIBILITY IN TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT HAVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. THEREFORE, THEY SHOULD DO THEIR BEST TO EDUCATE THE CHILDREN ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. I would argue that these circumstances are totally responsible for children to live healthily. And to solve unhealthy lifestyle practiced by children today, a basic value of lives under health-measurement should be both educated and implemented in children's lives since they are young

Undergraduate / 'An extraordinary one' My Values and Beliefs - NTU Scholarship Essay [4]

I have not found a correct reference to either a value or belief that you hold to be true in either version of your essay responses. Your first essay was nothing more than a personal statement that was self-serving in focus and the second one, was just the same but said in a different manner. Needless to say, neither of the essays actually deliver on the prompt requirements. If you wish to address the 300 word essay properly, then take the time to truly understand what the prompt is asking you to explain in response to the question.

If you choose to answer the question based upon values then you should discuss something along the lines of your personal value system related to either personal or cultural values that you adhere to in your life. Pick one value and then explain how you have lived your life based upon that value system. Choose only one related event to discuss and develop for the response.

Discussing your beliefs should also be based upon your personal beliefs in life. These could be anything from political, ideological, social, moral, or cultural beliefs that you have chosen to live your life by. For example, a belief regarding pre-marital sex, gay marriage, or same couple adoption. Those are the more controversial beliefs that you can be discussing. The choice of how persona or controversial your response will be is all up to you.

At this moment, the essay that you have is weak and does not clearly apply to the prompt provided. It will be in your best interest to consider a revision of your response statement. Only when you have properly responded to the prompt should you pay attention to the grammatical details of your statement.

Graduate / Essay about my aspiration to study MS in Simulation Science ( focussing only on technical skills ) [10]

Robert, I gathered a tremendous amount of information about your technical background in this essay that you wrote. However, you indicated at the beginning that this essay is to represent your purpose for higher studies in the field of Simulation Science. Now here is the thing, when you write a statement of purpose, you need to actually indicate a career related purpose for your interest in the higher academic field. Now, you have said that you want to focus only on the technical skills aspect of this essay. Therefore, your statement of purpose, which should be indicated in the first paragraph before anything else, should indicate the technical skill that you wish to cultivate in yourself for your professional career within the realms of this line of study. What is the technical purpose for your desire to complete higher learning?

So far, all I have read in the essay is a longer form of your transcript of records along with some pertinent training information, with the latter serving your essay well as it indicates your "work experience" in the field. These are all information that the reviewer can easily learn for himself by simply looking at your other submitted, required documents. These do not tell him much about the actual purpose of your enrollment.

Some of the questions you may want to consider answering in this written interview are the following:

1. Why do you think that you should pursue this course of learning at this point in your career?

2. How do you see yourself changing the landscape of Simulation Science after you complete your studies in this course?

3. What research project do you think the university can assist you with during your course of study and how can their facilities help you complete the research?

4. Are their any notable university professor names that you look forward to working with, if given the chance, at the university? In what capacity do you see yourself working with this or these person / people?

Since you have already over explained your preparation for this course of study in this essay, try to whittle it down to a more manageable length instead and incorporate the information into the 4 questions that I suggest you respond to in the revised version of your essay. The questions are meant to guide you towards bringing your essay closer to the contents of a more relevant and applicable statement of purpose for yourself .

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, your statement of purpose has finally fallen into place. congratulations :-) this is a job very well done. Although, there is a need for you to proof read the essay in order to correct a few mistakes. I'll point out the mistakes that I caught, caused either by me or by you during the editing of the content, below.

... while I was enrolled in Masters Classes masters classes for from the same illness,... not as advanced IN THIS FIELD as it should be... that these THIS neurological disorders have HAS affected my family life THAT I have decided to make ...

I developed a research paper based during my masters degree studies based upon the study of "The Status of Vitamin V12 Deficiency in Elderly Persons Suffering from Dementia" ... The full results of the experiment and study results SHOWED THAT Group a A had significantly ...

...

... Hence, after my Masters, I envision myself as a researcher working in lab preparing me towards a PhD. In addition the , pleasing university ambience located in historical city of Nijmegen nearby Waal river and ambition of the institute striving for excellence are the factors which have motivated me to apply to Radboud University. I am also excited about the new culture, environment and experience of a life-time with this study.

- There is no need to refer to your reason for choosing this university and the location in the essay. Focus solely on the purpose of the essay. This is not a college application so the reason for your choice of university should not include trivial information such as your interest in the location among other things.

... . So, I would love to prove myself as I DESIRE TO BECOME ONE OF THE corner-stone RESEARCHERS IN THE FIELD OF towards pioneering health and technology in my country... I believe that the graduate program with prestigious scholarship provided is the true path to embark... but also my character by boosting my morale .

- Simply put, requests for scholarships, or any reference to scholarships / the need for a scholarship is never done in a statement of purpose. That is not the aim of this essay and is irrelevant to the true purpose of your studies.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the percentage of people going to the cinema in UK according to different age groups [3]

... to the cinema in THE UK according to different age groups between THE YEARS 1990 and 2010 ... THE UK cinema ... nearly THE same patterns.

In 1990, the middle age people (34-44) and the oldest one
- What is the age group of the oldest one? Always indicate the information from the chart. This is supposed to be an informative report.

... stood at fairly similar proportionS. ...while other age groups
- Again, indicate the age group. You are not really offering much information in this report and could lose points for it.

... gap between the age group of 34-44 and the elderly people . It had widened out from 1% to about 8%. ... A closer look at the year 2000 showed that , virtually ... the fewest, and accounted for more or less 12%. ... significantly until the end of the period. But the figure of people aged 24-34 stagnated REMAINED THE SAME at roughly 32%.

Graduate / Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you [2]

Okay, here is the thing. You chose to discuss the way that cancer affected your family and yourself within the context that the option for other cancer treatments, other than chemical, go unnoticed. the truth of the matter is, that has not gone unnoticed and is often used by other cancer stricken patients and their families these days as part of the alternative therapies to treating the illness. Also, you have a slight misunderstanding of the prompt. This type of prompt is actually geared to have you discuss something unique about yourself that you may not notice but other people do.

The best way to respond to this essay is normally, by presenting a talent, ability, or character trait that you have which other people consider to be special about you, but that you just consider to be a part of your "normal self". That is where the "unnoticed" part of the essay comes from. It is unnoticed by you but noticed by others.

Actually, there are no right or wrong answers to this particular prompt, provided you keep it personal and focused on a personal aspect of your personality. This is all about further introducing yourself to the review officer, from the eyes of other people. I would suggest that you either ask your parents, friends, or other family members for some of your traits which they consider special in you and then pick the one that you would like to discuss in this essay. Rather than using the current essay that you have.

Writing Feedback / The line graph below gives information on cinema attendance in the UK. [2]

Try to use more connecting words in your sentences. Also, keep in mind that the report is supposed to present facts from surveys that have already been taken and therefore, represent a past event. Use the past tense word forms at all times in order to keep with the time indication of the report.

... four different age cohorts GROUPS from ... more peope PEOPLE aged...went to THE cinema,while people in age group AGED 14 to 24... going to THE cinema. All figures SAW upward...

... THE cinema was ... favorite for THE 44 to 54 age group... with nearly 40 % ATTENDANCE . ... enjoyed GOING to go to THE cinema... witnessed a rise AN INCREASE. ... in THE age group 44 to 54 and 34 to 44 ... 2010 and they had reached 32% and 20% for ...

... people in THE age groups 44 to 54 and 34 to 44 was a hit lof LOW OF of around below 50% and this was followed BY a continous CONTINUOUS and ... aged 24 to 34 was AT 22 %, ...

Writing Feedback / Childhood as a carefree period in the life [2]

... happiest period OF LIFE FOR in every individual. During this period TIME , a person ... unlike an adult person ... They don't have such THE SAME problems as adults have . Their mind THINKING is simple...need is a happy family , WHICH and this is fascinating and the most important thing in our A CHILD'S life. However . adults...

In this time of life DURING THIS TIME... our THEIR daily life. They sleep,play and enjoy their life IVES... candies,chocolates and with other sweets.

In addition , the childhood is also a time of magic... wizardS,fairy FAIRIES and many magicianS beings, as I used to ... .Morever MOREOVER, the children ...

... job in THE future... .By IN contast CONTRAST,... ,SUCH as what to wear,what to do to be more beautiful , and ... don't matter for TO children...

... This interval of time doesn't constist CONSIST of any ... and other indignations of INDIGNATIONS IN life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Who Should Take Responsibility on Children Unhealthy Lifestyle? [3]

Mardy. the essay asks that you address the opinion as to whether parents and schools should be held responsible for the health of children. It is a statement that indicates a collective thought of both parents and schools being responsible for one act, that of preventing an unhealthy lifestyle among children. Therefore, you are not supposed to say that either of them are responsible. The essay already states that both of them are considered responsible.

Your only action in this essay is to either agree or disagree with that point of view. That is a point of view that should have been presented at the very start of the essay. The rest of the essay discussion should have been the justification of your point of view. Instead, you are giving us a choice of either making the parent or the school responsible for the prevention of an unhealthy lifestyle among the children. Most specially, you should not be presenting that point of view as a conclusion to the essay.

At this point, your essay doesn't even close properly because of the flawed conclusion presentation, If you can develop a new conclusion that properly contains the elements of a concluding statement, then this essay would at least have a chance of getting a good rating in terms of paragraph presentation, not necessarily discussion.

Writing Feedback / Many people say that the parents are the pillar liable to care of they children's healthy lifestyle [4]

Muhammad, your reference to technology as part of the unhealthy lifestyle in the introduction is irrelevant. The topic being discussed is the unhealthy lifestyle of children in general, with no specific reference being made to any particular reason. Therefore, your essay should also keep the general discussion theme, sans any references to the possible causes of the lifestyle. the central point of the essay is that schools and parents share equal responsibility when it comes to preventing this problem. That is the only point that you should present in the introduction in order to make it more effective.

As of now, the introduction of your essay is quite confusing to read. The meaning or objective of the paragraph is currently hard to decipher. Remember that the introduction can be simply written. You tried to complicate the presentation which made it lose its focus. All you have to do to fix it, so that it will fall in line with the rest of the discussion are the following:

1. Restate the prompt that was provided.
2. Offer the two sides of the discussion as implied by the prompt.
3. Indicate your agreement or disagreement with the topic with a reference to a succeeding discussion in the following paragraphs.

The rest of the essay delivers a good understanding of the topic. However, I find it silly to edit the grammar mistakes when you have a faulty introduction. So fix the introduction first and then we can worry about correcting the presentation errors of the essay.

Graduate / Supporting Statement for admission to the University of Sheffield at Master of Arts [3]

Mochtar, there is a part of the prompt that you failed to discuss in your essay, which is why the written work you currently have is shorter and less informative than it should be. Please make sure to delete your current second paragraph, as it does not apply to any of the prompt questions, and instead, respond to the following question:

- how your previous education and experience relates to this course of study

Make sure that you offer one paragraph for your previous education. Then a separate paragraph for any internship experience that you might have had during your education. Finally, write a highlight paragraph that will totally discuss and enhance your image as a professional in the field for whom this MA is a logical next step. You don't really need that one line conclusion that you wrote at the moment. Maybe you can build upon it after the improvements are made to the essay to make it useful. At the moment though, I suggest you just delete that part. It is not the correct conclusion for this type of essay.

Graduate / I realized that a career as an accountant would be a wonderful fit for me. W&M MAcc Admission Essay [6]

Chris, the way that you developed the essay from the introductory paragraph all the way to the 3rd paragraph was sheer perfection in terms of responding to the prompt. I would not change anything nor add any more information to those parts of the essay. However, the concluding paragraph, again, is a prompt deviation that does not allow the attention of the reviewer to finish reading your essay focused solely on the prompt requirements.

In my opinion, the only thing left to do with your essay is the deletion of your current final paragraph, also known as the conclusion. It is not really required and closing the essay on the networking note is far more effective. It shows the continued activity that you will be doing during and beyond class hours as a student. More importantly, it allows the reviewer to know that you will be creating relationships that will have a lot to do with the continued development of your career in the future, which one of the main purposes of your attending these masters classes :-) That leaves the reviewer to close the reading of your essay with a positive impression of you as a student. :-)

Writing Feedback / One day visit to your country -TOEFL independent essay [6]

Nour, I know that you feel that your friend will already know where you are and where you live. However, for the sake of this essay in particular, and in any essay for that matter, you need to provide complete information in the essay for the reviewer. Don't just offer clues. That shows a lack of interest in providing accurate information in your paper. You were not being asked to write a casual letter. Even then, you still need to mention where you come from and where you live. I do not know who told you that the location need not be mentioned in the essay but that is simply not the case. Complete information counts in the eyes of the examiner.

As for the development of your essay, you don't have to worry about redundancies or how you developed the sentences. the TOEFL test allows only 30 minutes for your writing of a well developed essay. The focus of the test is your ability to express your thoughts in English. Allowances will be made and given to the test takers for redundancies, provided you manage to express your message in an understandable manner in the overall scheme of the essay. Worries about punctuation marks? Hey, you are under time pressure and will not be expected to have a perfect grasp of the language. After all, you are an ESL and therefore, cannot be expected to be perfect when it comes to that in the actual test.

You are right though, you should get the practice test as perfect as possible in order to better prepare for the actual test. My point is this, there are parts of the tests where leniency will be provided, but there are certain parts where hard decisions will be made. The points you refer to are soft points. You can perfect those over time. I want you to concentrate on the most glaring mistake instead because that is where points will be deducted from.

Undergraduate / Physics, astronomy and human exploration - Interests in Aerospace Engineering [3]

Grant, you have written an essay that really brings not only the development of your interest in Aerospace Engineering, but also your interest in the world around you. The method by which you presented the development shows a logical connection from your personal questions, to the discovery of its simple answers, and the growing complications regarding the answers to your ever increasing questions about the relationship between space and the continued development of man.

However, your forgot to proof read the essay. while you were able to properly refer to most of the proper nouns in the essay, you forgot to capitalize the 3 areas of interest that you have in the field. So if you will just capitalize the first letter of the words Physics, Astronomy, and Human Exploration in your essay, that very minor editing problem will be resolved.

As for bringing down your word count, you should look into revising your introduction. Rather than wasting your time by setting up the essay through your adventure are Camelback Mountain, just respond directly to the central theme of the prompt. This essay is one of those topics that the reviewers do not wish to spend too much time sorting through. They need immediate answers, so if you open with the reference to your first point of interest immediately, the reviewer's interest will be better hooked. When you have a character limited essay, you need to just get direct to the point. There is no time to waste. The attention of the reviewer will not be on your paper for long.

Writing Feedback / One day visit to your country -TOEFL independent essay [6]

Hey Nour, you wrote an almost perfect essay. You just have one very important piece of information that you should have included in the introduction. You told us that the visitor should visit your city, in your country. Now, assume that the reader does not know your country of origin and where you live. How do you expect him to visualize everything you are talking about in the rest of your essay if you do not tell us where you come from and what city you live in?

This essay is descriptive in content. That means that you need to bring the reader into the setting. In this case, you do that by letting us know where you live your daily life. So if you tell the reader where you come from, then there will be a better chance that he will be able to visualize the description and stories you are telling in his mind.

Really, the essay you developed is good. It entices me to visit your city. I just don't see how I can do that if I do not know where you are :-) Yes, incomplete information will result in a lower essay score. Don't forget that ;-)

Graduate / Making world Sustainable !! Statement of purpose for Sustainable Energy Technology @ TU Eindhoven [3]

Bose, your essay will seem perfect at the onset, but then, as one takes into consideration the way that a masters degree admissions officer mind works, the flaws in your shared information, not necessarily your writing style, become evident. I noticed a few informative shortcomings in your statement of purpose that you should address.

While I understand that the experience you are discussing in this essay stem from your junior and senior years in college, as well as your most recent work experience, there is a lack of information regarding the true purpose of your interest in higher studies. As a masters degree student, most importantly, as a person working in a related research field, you should have some sort of indication as to the reason why you opted to pursue higher studies at this point. What point are you in career that warrants the additional teaching and training in the area? Do you have a specific sustainable energy project in mind that you feel you wish to pursue in order to help advance the field?

Think about it this way, as a masters degree student, you should not be looking towards your future research interests but rather, your most likely research interest that will be a part of your masters thesis. The reviewer needs to know what the relation of the university abilities have with your potential to create a change in the field. What shortcomings do you feel exist that need to be given ample attention and how can the university help you achieve that? My suggestion is that you look into the research of the professors that you mention, then create a tentative thesis statement that will relate to the research of that professor. That way you show the university that you may just have the potential to not only help their professor as a future research assistant, but also help put their university on the map because of your combined research results.

By the way, another way to enhance your chances for consideration at this point would be to mention any awards and accolades, or published work that you might have under your belt. The reviewers give serious consideration and heavy thought to applications that contain government recognition or published work. Don't waste your opportunity to heighten your chances at admission if you can.

Keep in mind that a masters degree student is setting out to further improve his abilities for the betterment of his current field or community. That is the voice that these reviewers are looking for. Reflecting that in your essay will be a big help to your application.

Undergraduate / Purdue University versus my not only academic interests [5]

Lauren, this is an alright response to the prompt. However, I believe that your statement should refer to a bit more of the academic interests that you are looking to pursue as a college student. Since you grew up surrounded by animals and caring for them, why not tell Purdue which of the animal types and specific animal problems you hope that their course in (name a specific course) can help you better assess the possible complications that arise from (animal health issue) that you have come to be familiar with because of the farm exposure.

The idea is to show that you have a solid plan while at Purdue to develop yourself in a specific academic way, aside from your interest in the clubs and organizations. As for the extra curricular interests, try to give some example of how you plan to utilize the opportunity as a member of a specific club towards your further training in the veterinary field. You have chosen a unique occupation so I am more than sure that your responses will be highly creative and informative. You need to help the reviewer assess how you will become a stand out student at the university and Purdue can only do that by gaining an idea as to your unique academic and extra curricular interests.

Writing Feedback / World population and Consumption of Resources [2]

This is an interesting presentation of the information in the pie charts. The grammar is simple but understandable, regardless of the grammatical errors. You show the potential to eventually become a more advanced writer in the future. You just need to learn how to better develop your topic sentences so that it will have a smoother flow within a created paragraph. That is something that you should become good at over time and with constant practice.

... portray A comparison between THE amount of the resource consumption...measured on IN percentageS. Overall, it IT is immediately ... Most WHILE MOST of the ... consumed by THE USA and Europe, while the AND most ...comprise IS USED ON food ...

... in THE pie charts ...world population occupy IS OCCUPIED BY THE AsiaN region, which WITH almost reach three-fifths OF THE world population. ... America and Europe'S population ... each other at 14%. Afterwards, Africa is occupied by OCCUPIES 10% OF THE world population, and the rest 5% populate the other regionS.

... Europa EUROPE and THE Americas are inhabited by less than A fifth OF THE world ... than half OF THE resources are spent in those regions. B... two-fifth OF THE the world resourceS.

... depicts that two main word spending WORLD EXPENSES are food and transportation... The rest of world spending is SPENT ON others ...

Undergraduate / Purdue University versus my not only academic interests [5]

Lauren, by any chance, does your response have a word limit? The statement that you wrote seems a bit too short for a formal response so I am wondering if you are being asked to write a statement instead of an essay for the prompt. Please let us know because it will help us better analyze your response and give us an idea as to how you should build your answer.

With regards to your current response. It doesn't really offer much in relation to the way that Purdue can support your interests in and out of the classroom. You speak more of your exposure to animals than you do of Purdue and its veterinary program. In your response you need to connect your desire to become a vet, your particular area of interest as a potential DVM, and the course offerings or apprenticeships or research opportunities at the university. When combined, your interests in these areas are what will showcase the opportunities that Purdue offers which can support your interests in and out of the classroom.

So don't stick with this generic reading response. Dig deeper into your interests, look at the offerings of the university, create the personal interest aspect in order to develop the personal response to the prompt. That is the only way to deliver an acceptable answer to the question posed.

Writing Feedback / A comparison of residents rate in three different areas of Oregon from 1940 to 2000 - the line chart [4]

You need to concentrate on developing your thought process in a manner that will best reflect the information in the chart provided. There is a need for you to learn how to properly use connecting words as well. More importantly, you need to know the difference between a country and a county. A county is a division within the state or province of a country. You cannot confuse it with a country.

... of population THE rate in three... in THE line ... THE population rate had a similar trend for all countries COUNTIES.

... the number RATE of population rose during the OVER 60 years and reached the A maximum level ... among other countries COUNTIES. ...

with a gap of approximately twice as much
- Actual figures please.

... and it had widened to over ... due to a significant increase ...

At A more detailed ... ... people live LIVING in Columbia and Yamhill respectively, . w While THE population in Washington was in number 75,000... experienced slightly THERE WAS A SLIGHT increase in the number of population in ... ... had A fairly similar population with Washington at the beginning of the period.

Writing Feedback / The breakdown of world population balance [2]

The breakdown of earth consumption, global inhabitants and consumption of suppliers in this universe OF SUPPLIES BY CONTINENTS ARE SHOWN IN THE PIE CHARTS... food allocating ALLOCATION is given ... the earth consumption, then WITH Asia is AS THE biggest population in AMONG all continents. ... people form FROM THE USA and Europe is ARE the largest number of people as the consumerS.

... the means of s Spending ON food is larger than transportATION EXPENSES having A range OF around 6 percent, then, . Then, it shows a great amount of food of world spending with just less THAN a quarter of THE total. Followed by, housing is , the third largest number, at 12 percent of total . Whilst, WHILE the percentage of EXPENSES ON clothing is smaller than housing. Then, j Just two-fifths is OF EXPENSES come from other things.

... that it makes IT the biggest population, just less THAN three-fifths percent of THE total people in this THE world. Americas and Europe are the second AND THIRD number of the HIGHEST population... ... amount NUMBER of people in America and Europe is ARE equal. Interestingly, the total of resources as the consumer is belonged USA and Europe, nearly a significant INTERESTINGLY, AMERICA AND EUROPE WERE THE HIGHEST CONSUMERS OF SOURCES.

Writing Feedback / The Proportion of The World's Spending, Population, and Consumption of Resources [5]

... but for the utilization of raw materials, those use the most of the sources...

... world's resources is ARE consumed by three-fifths American and European, while two-fifths of the rest is consumed by other countries. On the contrary, inhabitants in America and Europe are just under a quarter. This is smaller than Asia which has nearly three-fifths inhabitants of the world, while Africa and other countries have minority populations.

- Question, why are you discussing minority populations when the charts don't make any reference to this? You are only supposed to refer to provided information that comes from the chart since that is verifiable.

...the world's expending SPENDING, there are five kinds that OF people THAT commonly spend theIR wealth. ... nearly a quarter OF people expend SPEND money on food, ...People also expend SPEND more money on ...

You seem to have some misconceptions about the chart. You better double check your report information with the data provided int he chart just to make sure your report summary is accurate. You could lose points for any or all misconstrued facts.

Febri, yours is one of the more perfected versions of this summary report. The grammar that you used is fairly advanced and shows that you are capable of more advanced English word usage and logical development. These attributes will ensure that this essay would get a higher than average but a little lower than perfect score had it been an actual IELTS test.

...USA and Europe have a lessER population than Asia, ... those TWO COUNTRIES use the most of the sources. ...spending is expending on food.

... world's resources is ARE consumed by three-fifths OF THE AmericanS and EuropeanS, while two-fifths of the rest is consumed ... On the contrary OTHER HAND, inhabitants in OF America and Europe are just under a quarter. ...

Turning to the world's expending EXPENSES, ... kinds that OF people THAT commonly ... ... quarter people expend SPEND money on food, whilst WHILE A the very small number of people spends on collecting clothes. People also expend SPEND more money on housing and transport ... two-fifths OF society use THE MONEY for ...

Writing Feedback / Expenditure, Inhabitant and Consumption of Resources in the world [4]

... E expenditure, I inhabitant, and C consumption of R resources... which are measured in the percentageS..., that IT is obvious ... different percentageS ...dominated by THE USA and some countries in Europe.

... among some continents.
- The chart specifically mentions the names of the continents so you have to mention the same in order to deliver reliable information to the reader.

Moving to population in the world POPULATION... world WAS extremely ...Africa shows the reverse OPPOSITE ... Europe and Americas present the A similar pattern of ...

that stand at a very small number.
- The chart indicates a figure so use the figure provided. That is part of developing an informative and factual report.

... in the world spending at ... which is was followed ... By IN contrast... least proportion that explains solely OF 6% ... resources consumption are WAS dominated by THE USA and Europe that show at SHOWING 60 percent than...

Since these figures have already been previously collected, the report should be written in past tense.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the various difficulties that citizens have when they live in a novel country [5]

Siti, you need to learn to better develop the subject of your paragraphs. The lack of subjects make the paragraphs less informative and portrays you as being disinterested in the topic that you are being made to report on. I provided suggestions and corrections below.

... live in a novel NEW country regarding to BASED ON three ... illustrated in a THE bar chart. At first glance, ... faced by A majority OF people ... which FOR WHOM sorting out healthcare is the most complicated problem.

The essential BIGGEST...residents are IS sorting out ... just a few OF THE youngest group... ... middle AGE group (35-54) ... Likewise, the young people aged 18-34 shows 33%...

- Of what problem?

... of THE older age group is the smallest number, at 28%.

... less important difficulties DIFFICULTY OF , finding schools for children. , People over 55 years, ABOUT 2 PERCENT, find this easier, a very small number, at about 2% .
The youngest group provides three times more of the total than older group.
- Three times more of what?

However, middle age group still has the biggest percentage, approximately 20%.
- Please indicate the subject of the sentence.

Writing Feedback / What career would you like to choose after leaving school? [2]

Thuy, your essay has a number of punctuation errors aside from an abundance of grammatical errors. Before I address those problems though, I would like to discuss the imbalance in your topic discussion first. In order for your essay to become proper and offer a clear idea as to why you would choose to become an English teacher, you should discuss your current skills or interests in English that have led you to this conclusion. Use your personal reasons to first discuss why you think you would make a good English teacher. This means that you have an interest in all things English, be it literature, pop culture, history, etc. Only after presenting a personal understanding of what it will take to become a well rounded English teacher can you continue to discuss your professional interests as you have done now.

That said, as a future English teacher, you should know that proper grammar and sentence structure will be the most important factors that will be considered in a teacher of this language. Right now, your essay shows a careless method of writing that does not consider the English writing rules, sentence development guidelines, and punctuation usage. One of the problems in this essay is that you are not discussing it from a first person point of view. Review the question being asked, you should be using the first person pronouns throughout the essay. You also do not care about the rules regarding nouns that indicates every proper name for a person, place, or thing must be written with a capital first letter. This is , for want of a better word, a very badly written and developed essay. Let me show you where your mistakes lie.

... more occupationS to select FROM that it is COULD BE suitable toyou FOR ME. ... habouring harboring the ... when I will have matured from school CHOOSE MY COLLEGE MAJOR AND OCCUPATION IN THE FUTURE... following reasons.

... want to transmit SHARE a little knowledge of ABOUT English for WITH learners. It is necessary for students to be controlled by teachers in all lessons. ... English skills for OF students ... on writing WRITTEN English lessons, ... give THE structure of an essay and make a decision to student to have a good exercise.

Secondly, becoming a English teacher is a meaning of being widely a ware of English MEANS BEING AWARE OF ALL THINGS ENGLISH. ... I will have a big investment of time for IN LEARNING English BETTER than WHEN I was ... I can exchange lessons' information with studentS who always have AN interesting question...

... you can earn many money for living TURN IT INTO A PAYING CAREER. ...e English is a popular language in the world of today and a compulsory subject at high school. If I teach e English well, I will be easily chosen to take up working FOR EMPLOYMENT at A school . f For instance, professor Ngo Bao Chau who is teaching at Chicago u University at IN THE USA It look on as IS NOW a rich and famous teacher.

You will do well to revise this whole essay based upon the suggestions I have made.

Scholarship / My story can be summarized in three words: Change or Die. Why I deserve a scholarship? [3]

Thao, your essay sounds more like a statement of purpose than a scholarship application. You are being asked to justify the reasons why you believe that you deserve a scholarship. So talking about being able to attend a private school in Vietnam and being able to afford college is not the proper discussion to present. Neither is telling the reviewer that you are leaving a lucrative job in your country to go study abroad. You are basically telling the scholarship committee that you can afford to go to school in a different country, you are just opting not to spend your own money if you can.

Mentioning that you do not want to financially burden your mother at the end of the essay seems to have come out of nowhere. There was nothing in your essay that indicated your came from a "financially challenged" background so the reference to taking a "financial weight" off her shoulders just doesn't ring true for your reasons as to why you deserve this scholarship.

Remember, there are truly deserving students who have excellent grades, admirable study and career objectives, a selfless attitude, and a desire to help others through their studies who will also be applying for the scholarship. These are students who truly cannot afford to go to school abroad but have the talent and valid reasons to deserve the scholarship. How do you think you can compete with the grassroots applicants who deserve the scholarship more? What in your opinion makes you a better candidate than them?

Unless you can prove something truly admirable and worthy about yourself, your future plans, your life, and your lack of finances that will align with the essay requirements, I do not think you will be able to come up with the correct response to this prompt. Remember, your background says " My family and i have money'. What is should try to say is "I don't have money to study but I have the ambition and drive to continue studying because... so I am hoping for your help."

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : THE MEDIA AND THE MAIN REPORTS [2]

Mardy, the prompt that you provided is incomplete so I am unable to determine if you were able to discuss the essay in the expected manner. Please complete the prompt by indicating the instruction that was supposed to tell you if you were supposed to give an opinion, agree or disagree with the statement, or just compare the two points of view. I will be unable to judge your personal point of view as read in the essay unless I know what it is supposed to contain.

Your conclusion has a confusing sentence located within it. What do you mean by:

I extremely believe that correspondent properly centralize reporting on the occasion in locals' and government's environment.

Please remember that in a concluding statement, the writer is not allowed to present any information that will need to be properly developed and discussed in order to allow the reader to understand what the writer means. It is obvious that you accidentally did that in this conclusion, making it invalid. So further explain the statement you made and then develop a proper conclusion for your essay.

Undergraduate / 'Correlation between games and statistics' UIUC Statistics and Computer Science Transfer Essay [2]

Sam, truth be told, your reason for wishing to move from your community college to the university is not clear. The Pokemon story doesn't help your essay at all so I agree with you, it should be removed. The event in high school was not clearly depicted so the connection to Statistics and Computer Science is not really clear. What we are looking for here is a strong motivation that would compel you to transfer universities with a change of major.

In my opinion, the information that you should be presenting has to do with your current reasons for wishing to transfer and change majors. It sounds to me like you are not really sure about why you want to change majors at this point. So try to reflect upon the reasons that you might have, in your current state of mind, that relates to your desire to switch things around for yourself academically.

You can't really use your childhood reasons, nor your experience in high school at this point because you already have a previously chosen major that you are not satisfied with. So think about why you are not satisfied with your current course and then discuss it. That should create the foundation for your motivation. Then think of why you decided to pursue Statistics and Computer Science instead. Discuss that as well. Then your academic reasons should automatically fall into place.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of graduates recruited for teaching different languages in Ontario, Canada [2]

Andika. I am amazed at how you were able to develop such a concise and thorough report based upon the line chart. You did not miss any information and had a very clear chronological order within your discussion. Though your English grammar needs work, you were able to use enough vocabulary and devices in your sentence development to show that you have an increasingly advancing grasp of English language usage.

The discussion that you presented summed up the graph in a highly professional manner that makes one forget that there are grammatical errors in the essay. My concentration in reviewing your work is based upon the possibility of your gaining an above passing score with this essay based upon the discussion you presented, regardless of your grammatical errors. The aim of the essay is always to present your comprehension skills and vocabulary use. You were able to moderately display the grammar skills and your comprehension skill is above average so I am very sure that this essay would have gained at least a band score of 6.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A breakdown of Wheat Exports in Several Countries [2]

A breakdown of wheat exports in several countries is presented in the line chart from 1985 to 1990.
- Using what measurement? This creates a gap in the information you are delivering and will render the whole essay useless due to incomplete information.

... and Europe EUROPEAN countries ... first AND second ... beginning of THE time frame AND over ...

... by Australia AUSTRALIAN and European communities in DECREASING wheat exports, regarding a slight decrease . ... a million tonS... reached at over 20 million tonnes.

... By IN contrast, the A portion of Australia AUSTRALIAN EXPORTS HAD declined gradually at TO about 10 million tonnes, albeit the other
- What other?

...grew up INCREASED to more ... Eventually, a gap between those had widened.
- A gap between?

Your essay suffers from your lack of concentration. You are either in a hurry to write the essay or you do not care that you do not provide complete information. Your haphazard manner of writing will ensure that you fail the test. You need to develop proper writing and proof-reading abilities. Know that every bit of information counts towards a higher score.

Writing Feedback / ENGLISH AND FRENCH LANGUAGE TEACHER IN ONTARIO BASED ON THEIR GRADUATED YEAR - IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Riska, the information in your graph is not correct as it does not accurately represent the explanation of what the graph is about. You should have made a representation of the fact that the figures being presented were in relation to the number of teachers being hired to teach the two foreign languages within the period of 2002-2007. This inaccuracy in your opening statement would have had a tremendous impact upon your final essay grade in an actual test. As you are supposed to be writing summaries of factual reports, you must always be sure that all of your information and data presented are accurate. Otherwise, the opening statement will cause you to have a faulty claim in the essay, thus making it a failure in terms of delivering proper and accurate information.

Before I correct the mistakes of your essay, you will need to first, correct the error in your discussion development. It will be useless for me to correct your mistakes or even grade your essay because of the serious problem that your work has. to be fair, I will allow you to revise the essay so that you will stand a better chance of getting a passing grade. I hope you will take this rare opportunity I am offering you. Take advantage of the practice tests while you can.

Writing Feedback / The Rate of Boy and Girl Students Passing The Exam Based on Subject of Study [5]

Febri, the mode of writing that you used in developing this essay report was casual and enjoyable. It makes the essay relaxing to read while never missing out on the information that the graph provided. You used connecting words properly and have a moderately difficult vocabulary. Whatever problems the essay has in terms of grammar did not prevent you from creating a well developed essay, in terms of data presented.

... have a larger successful PASSING RATE OF studentS in the exams than social studies, w

Regarding toscience studies, computer science, mathematic, chemistry, and physic Science studies, Computer Science, Mathematics, and Physics... are successFUL in THE computer science exam...G girl students is ARE also...rateS in other ... p hysicS examinations, girl students are far PASSSED less than boy students, while in c Chemistry..., girl students have PASS twice larger MORE than boy students.

... s Social s Studies which are h History, g Geography, ... the most subject that boy students are more successful IN than girl students is...

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - NUMBER OF BOOKS READ BY MALE AND FEMALE; 2013 shown an interesting pattern [4]

Muhamad, try to increase the difficulty level of your English writing in your next practice essay. Your English usage in this particular essay is so average that your skills would be considered "beginner" at best. the fact that you do not know when you use connecting words adds to the problems of your writing skills. That is not the English written usage level that you want to portray as that will not land you a passing score in an actual test. aim for a moderately complex vocabulary next time.

... of A comparison among ... presented in THE line graph. What stands out from the THE graph reveals ... along THE period... maleS read books more than femaleS did.

THE M male category ... while THE rate of femaleS was...books read by woman FEMALES increased a... Meanwhile another sex THE MALES just read aT half THE LEVEL of THE female proportion.

However, 2013 shown SHOWED an ... crossed different pathS. Number THE number of maleS went up drastically ... surprising category of female that suddenly jumped hitting WHILE FEMALES HIT A low level at approximately 8000. ... was eventually far.