Writing Feedback / Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of a person's age. [3]

Hello, allow me to give you some feedback on your writing.
1. you need to include the topic of your writing? it will be hard to focus on particular topic if you do not mention so
2. identify your essay into each paragraph


Let me ask you, is this free essay/academic writing/ielts task 2? I'll help you more if I know the topic. Thank you

Writing Feedback / The two methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes [3]

let me try to give you an overview;
Overall, the are several different steps in both swing basket, and rope and bucket methods provided in the process of water-collecting for irrigation. While people as the media of swing basket who collect water from reservoir to the irrigation channel, the method of rope and bucket uses animal as the main media to pull the collective water from well to this channel.

Good Luck!
Fight for writing. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The design for a wind turbine and its location [3]

(it does not tell what the pictures actually means)
in this first introductory paagraph, you should;
1. tell the first picture which tells about the design of wind turbine
2. tell the 2nd picture which tells about the optimum location
3. give an overview. here, you should understand for both pictures mean. (how wind afffects the turbine basen on different location)
I suggest you to re-write this introductory paragraph. By doing so, I'll give you a further feedback.
Thank you. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / The diagram depicts the phases of erosion of a headland [3]

Hello Ainun, let me give you some overview for you introductory paragraph.


(1) overview; you need not only to explain how many steps that it took, but also you should cover the overall information on the diagram.
Thank you. Good Luck!! :)

Writing Feedback / The chart informs the number of Bulgarians moving to different countries based on level of education [4]

Overall, it can be clearly be seen that the number (...) was the highest amongst other level of education, whereas the figure (...) education experienced an upward trend over ... period.

... a gradual increase in the fourth first year of the period before it dropped dramatically ...

Scholarship / Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious University - candidate for a scholarship [3]

However Icing on the cake is holding on an unconditional offer to pursue masters in MSc. Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious "University of XXX" (I think in this sentence you need verb)

These (these what? please specify it) cannot be scribed here unless I had encountered innumerable tussles, crest-fallen moments & failures. Nevertheless I believe that they were the main fuels to propel my willpower to realize my dream. In spite of some hardships, I was graduated as the first literate in my family in first class. But, due to my unfortunate fate my father was not alive to witness my achievements, he hashad(please consistent of your tenses) always backed me and wantsed me to do things(what kinds of things?) despite any circumstance. Losing my father was just like cut the ground from under feet. Overcoming the monetary issues were the primary concerns. However, my strong-minded mother beenwas my moral supporter and backbone in pursuing pinnacle in my passion.

It feels unerring that I have committed myself to robotics. Robotics conglomerates nearly all field from ecology to music to astronomy, and thisthese makes robotics even awe-inspiring to me. Besides I believe it will aid me to develop forward-thinking about robots which would help myself in contributeing/to contribute to the improvement of humanity. As an initiative, I had developed a humanoid arm and biped prosthetic legs. However, i-Limb by Touch bionics were my inspiration to build my prototypes. Also, I am maintaining a technical blog named nijanthanvasudevan's where I post my researches online to share my ideas to any budding inventors.

Also, I believe in my ideas,for pursuing them with all my grit and whittling them into reality. Which I foresee university of XXX, pioneer in the artificial-intelligence having cutting edge research laboratory, known for the outstanding reputation for excellence in world-leading research, innovation and Teaching . I firmly believe that it will be the best place to develop my robotic prototypes into real intellectual creatures.

Through my achievements, I have demonstrated a consistent of high academic accomplishment and passion for technology. Furthermore, I have demonstrated leadership, initiative, and desire to learn technology in a global setting. I believe these will be the influential factors for considering myself as a particular best candidate. And this will provide a chance for me to make my mother feel pride as the words of Thiruvalluvar "The mother who hears her son called "a wise man" will rejoice more than she did at his birth". And regarding funding my masters, I will be applying for SSSSS scholarship also.

Hello, I think overall your idea is great. however, you should pay attention to your grammatical, and please be consistent of tenses in use. also, you should learn more about punctuation for writing. Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / Adults education and the reasons why grown-up people continue studying - IELTS [5]


in introduction, you have to mention about what the graph stands out? and it should be clear. also, how does it measures? "percentage/number/etc"

it could be better that you put an overview in the first paragraph.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Kids who are not born with some sort of abilities and skills can be as successful as talented one [3]

Believing(it is true using gerund here, but it could be better that do not put verb as a noun (gerund) in the first word of sentence) that people are born with certain skills and talents has a long pedigree.Overtime,by dicovering more about human brain and behaviors,some experts declare(It could be better that you use "argue/beliece/contend" cz declare is to announce something clearly/publicly) that people can gain many skills in different fields such as sport and music by being trained from (since) young age and childhood.

In the past there were many talented who could play sport or a musical instrument without being taught (how do you prove this argument?)and these examples(it could be better that you specify your example) made us believe that to be good at sports or to be a good musician,it needs to have the skill in our DNA.The main root of this belief was the lack of information about human and his abilities to learn .By the time passing,scientists have tried to find if there are other factors (what are they?) which can effect on human learning proccess and the amount of time that should be dedicate to train a child be a specialist on any type of acitivity like sport or music.(This paragraph is good, you try to compare:past and present. however, there are some missing argument, I mean that you should make statement clearly)

Nowadays,some experts try to bring to light effective ways to teach children toin improveing their skills even if they do not have the talent in some sort of activities such as sport or playing music.Many researches conducted on this issue have make it clearly that under correct conditions it would be possible to take out a super star from normal children in any fields by encouraging them to practice continuouslyand hard working.In addition to have successful it is important to find activity that they show interest on them to be successfuland helping them through it until they reach to good result on it even if they are not born with the talent.(you need sentence connector here) It is clear that by avoding to give up ,keep trying and learning from mistakes each person could find the way to success and no matter if they are not high talented.

1. pay attention to your spelling
2. try to avoid using many verb as a gerund "being"
3. simplify your example from scientific fact
4. I don't really find grammar error in this essay. however, you should be careful on flow of sentence because it's important

Good Luck!!

Scholarship / 'to impart negotiating skills' - Essay for Emory - Design an academic course [3]

... Students are required to do considerable (considerable what?? you need to specify it) after-class reading to get a basic understanding of different culture customs in various types of negotiations. During the second semester, the main focus is on practice. Students will get training for common forms of negotiations which can be employed in various walks of life in the future. The former of two sections are open to all students and each class is restricted to have no more than twenty students to ensure the class discussion and interaction with the teachers. The third semester is designed for students who have a career goal of entering politics. The model negotiating conferences will be held regularly in class, focusing mainly on political negotiations in the forms of United Nations, European Union, British Parliament and American Council. Each class is restricted to eight to twelve students to enable class debate while ensuring everyone's participation.

If my classmates and I take this course, we will benefit from it in multidimensional ways. Through the former of two sections of the course, we will receive systematic training on critical thinking, which can possibly to enhance our abilitiesy of questioning. Critical thinking can also be applied to academic writing and debating, making our statements more logical. In the meantime, we can enlarge our knowledge base through extensive reading and form a habit of caring about current affairs around the world. Furthermore, we can gain interpersonal skills and be more tactful when having conversations.

Writing Feedback / The line graph compares and contrast data on the different percentage of unemployed women [3]


you need to give an overview in task 1, and it is necessary. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace [4]

Thank you for your feedback. However, may I ask you, could you give me some reasons for this;

"To exemplify, an employer works at coffee shop..." (try replacing with "For example")
"Conversely, employees who work outside tend..." (tr replacing with "On the other hand" or "By contrast")

Thank you

Writing Feedback / Columbia and Yamhill - population in the state of Oregon by Country - IELTS writing [3]

The line graph illustrates the change of population in variousseveral countries in the U.S. State of Oregon between 1940 and 2000 and is measured in thousands. Overall, it is immediately apparent that the biggest population witnessed in Washingtonwas the most country in term of population since 1940 until 2000.

In 1940, Columbia and Yamhill were at fairly similar population ofby 30,000 and 28,000 people respectively. Meanwhile, Washington stood at 75,000 and this made this country to becoame the top between thoseamong three other countries.

Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / There are some huge gaps between male and female regarding teaching - IELTS [4]

I don't worry about the body of your paragraph. however, in the introduction, you need to tell about what the graph stands out/tells? and how about the overall of this graph? even you haven't mentioned about the overall. I think general view/overview is the important one in IELTS essay task 1.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - governments subsidize museums, theaters and other arts, and it concerns many people. [3]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.


1. this sentence does not match with the prompt; Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money


In this paragraph you use your opinion for topic sentence; however, it's slightly contrast with the last sentence of this paragraph that you against of the idea.


Overall;
1. you have to pay attention of complex sentence
2. IELTS essay is not only how the grammatical can be corrected, but also how about the flow of sentence and idea. Honestly, I still confuse with your idea of this topic, and also with your own opinion.

3. Task 2, you need to write 250 words
4. you have to know well what is your task so as to far from off-topic

Let me give you general idea of paragraph;
1. Introduction; you have to paraphrase this; "Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead". and also, youw own opinion to answer this task "To what extent do you agree with this statement?"

2. Body 1; One Idea Paragraph/Multiple Idea===="agree with this statement"
- One Idea; Topc sentence, explanation, example, result
- Multiple; topic sentence, firstly, explanation, example, result, secondly,...

3. Body 2; One Idea Paragraph/Multiple Idea===="disagree with this statement"
- One Idea; Topc sentence, explanation, example, result
- Multiple; topic sentence, firstly, explanation, example, result, secondly,...

4. Conclusion
you have to paraphrase your introduction+recommendation(suggestion/fear)[/i]

Good Luck! Keep fighting for IELTS!!

Writing Feedback / Study once specialist subject or a series of subjects in universitiy [4]

More attention should be paid on how universities provide a subject in their curriculum. Ordinary people think that college students only focus on specific part of subject. While it is true to some extent as they come to be a(the previous noun you said "they"but here you say "a") good professional person such as a doctor and an engineer, other people argue that adding some subjects to the universities curriculum make the students have an extensive knowledge instead of their primary subject as they will get much information to support their field subject. However, I comprehensively agree that the universities which provide an additional subject will bring their graduates into a highly competent personpeople(why I change so because universities identically have more than one graduate).

As a matter of fact, nowadays, most universities in the world have been constructing the curriculum only concern for the field of subject as they expect their graduates become a skilled person(in this entence you have three verbs but oneconjunction). For instance, a faculty of medicine only provides the subjects related to medical sector as they(they refers to whom? you have not mentioned people/students in this sentence) become a doctor. Also an engineer , when they studied in the universities, they focus on engineering subject(an engineer NOT they). From here(you may change this "as a result" because it seems uncommon in academic writing), the professional will only know about their field(remember that conclusion should be linked to the topic sentence NOT example).

On the other hand, people believe that a professional person has to be capable of an other knowledge which can help him or her(this object pronoun is uncommon in academic writing, it could be better if you talk as general such as "they/them/their") to improve their abilityies(you need conjunction here because double verb without conjunction is forbidden)become a talented person. For example, the doctors and the engineers have to know about some religion studies. They can improve their attitude especially in morals and ethics. A 2012, study in King Abdul Aziz University pointed out that 75 % doctors and engineers in England who have studied a religion subject are more patient and better attitude when they serve their clients . They enable to give a quality advice to their customers . From this research, it can be seen that education of religion is important factor in part of universities curriculum.[/quote]

[quote=mumtazdinar]In additionAnother point to discuss this opinion is that companies are usually interested in the graduates who have a good perspective and a mannerly person. While they have a good result in their studies, the companies always refer to applicant's point of view when they come to a job interview. Therefore, the students who have worked out the religion studies, they have much knowledge on how to be the best person in life. They have more value than other graduates who never involve in spiritual studies(this is not the conclusion of topic sentence/first line).

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that although once specialist subject makes(it seems not appropriate meaning if you use "make" here) the graduates to be a professional person, the universities have to provide additional subjects to improve their students' attitude. However, students who learn some additional subjects such as religion subject will come up with the best solutions. It is imperative that adding spiritual subject in the curriculum gives benefits to the graduates and environment where they work or live(why environment get benefit from subject??).

For the reasons mentioned aboveso, it seems to me that although once specialist subject makescreates the graduates to be a professional person, the universities have to provide additional subjects to improve their students' attitude. However, students who learn some additional subjects such as religion subject will come up with the best solutions. It is imperative that adding spiritual subject in the curriculum gives benefits to the graduates and environment where they work or live.

(I don't know why when I read your conclusion, it seems that I repeat some repetition sentences that you mentioned so, you need to paraphrase it).

overall, please focus on the task. I'm afraid that it is going to be off topic. Thank you. Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / HOW COLOUR CAN EFFECT PEOPLE'S FEELING [2]

Colour is basic substances which can be possibly fast caught by eyes. For this reason, some experts have a perspective that colour enables to influence humans' feeling. By doing so, the pattern of colour in public areas, hospital and office, havehas to meet the requirement (what requirement? you need to specific this) in order to encourage people's feeling. Therefore, I utterly believe that colourful painting evokes personal physical well-being and improves well-qualified profession.

Admittedly, people work in huge varietyies of high contras colours which decoration used to find out difficult to concentrate on their works since room colours influence their moods and thoughts. As an obvious fact, American researcher recorded that warm colours such as red and orange arouse negative emotions (anxiety, excitement, distress and upset) whereas cool colours like as green, such feelings comfortable, calm and serene, rise relaxed people's feeling. As a result, light contrast colours which is believed to create a fresh thinking in the midst of overwhelming work pressuresin this sentence, you only have one verb but you have one ocnjunction. always pay attention complex sentence.

In addition, the impact of colours boost work performance for wokers in offices. As such colour effects are more likely to use a variety of colours to represent their jobs , between light and bold colours. For instance, Bank corporates in Indonesia use light colours, expansive and airy, [i]making(you need conjunction and verb here NOT verb as a gerund) rooms appear larger and brighter[/i] )(many verbs in this sentence but lack of conjunction). Conversely, there is a place of work using dark colour like creative room, such as red, yellow, orange, and green so as to give passionate about talented person. Bright colours raise a room's energy level, therefore these are good preference to stir up excitements. In an entryway, colours create to a strong first impression.

overall, this paragraph seems confusing, this idea is the same as the previous paragraph.

In fact, Texas Medical University evidenced examinesthat myopia is related to green colour to therapy people, reduce illness gradually
(many verbs and one conjunction)

This therapy helps to support the eye muscle. As a consequence, green colours (need to be here) coming as a therapy to stimulate body and mine of medical field.

In conclusion, it is clearly that colours influence(influence what?) for human changing psychology. Bold colour diversities tend to get a similar reaction from most people and the overall difference being in the shade or tones used. Where possible, when it comes to decorating, it is fundamental to choose wisely.

Overall, I suggest you to really pay attention on your subject verb agreement. Also, the flow of sentence because I'm afraid that you still do not anwer well the task, and it will be going to off topic.

Thank you. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / People perceive change in different ways. Is it always for the better or not? Is vital for our lives [4]


I think in this part, you miss your own opinion. you should put in your introduction.
here pattern of intro; (Hook, paraphrase prompt, your own opinion from the task)


I don't say that this is wrong, bit it could be better if you point to general (they/them)


It's too general.


[/quote]
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: increasing number of people are suffering from health problems [3]

Thank you so much. It really helps me. I think I should rewrite this essay. Thanks for your suggestion.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should not only watch the TV program, but also take responsibility to practice the sport [3]


you do not need to change it to Gerund as a subject



effects
affect is verb

Keep spirit. Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / One's success determines through rewarding career. People are choosing to change careers, why? [4]

Imad
thank you for remind me, I almost forget for the form of comparative. :)

Moleman
Wow!! It really helps me. Thank you very much. I think I need to improve more my essay.

Writing Feedback / A prominent task of universities is to enroll prospective students for further next. IELTS [4]

wow! thank you so much for all comments. It is really improve my writing.
Fadlanmuzakki, thank you for your suggestion, I've checked on my dictionary.
sHanafi, thank you so much sister, I'll try to do better for my next writing.

Vns9x
" Your essay would have looked much better if you had somehow conflated the conclusion and your opinion to be honest!"
I'm sorry, Actually I don't really know what do you mean of this sentence?