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Posts by Anfalia
Name: Anfa
Joined: Sep 15, 2014
Last Post: May 29, 2015
Threads: 40
Posts: 56  
Likes: 23
From: Indonesia

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Anfalia   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of a person's age. [3]

Hello, allow me to give you some feedback on your writing.
1. you need to include the topic of your writing? it will be hard to focus on particular topic if you do not mention so
2. identify your essay into each paragraph

Human health needs nutritious foods and medical care. If a human being do not take a balance fooddiet he would not get immunization power. In other words, human beings with malnutrition is attacked by various diseases. For example, people who do not eat enough green vegetables suffer from eye diseases. Likewise, we get protein, vitamin, and carbohydrate from food intake. To get such substances we should include those grains in our daily meal which consistsof these things.

Let me ask you, is this free essay/academic writing/ielts task 2? I'll help you more if I know the topic. Thank you
Anfalia   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The two methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes [3]

let me try to give you an overview;
Overall, the are several different steps in both swing basket, and rope and bucket methods provided in the process of water-collecting for irrigation. While people as the media of swing basket who collect water from reservoir to the irrigation channel, the method of rope and bucket uses animal as the main media to pull the collective water from well to this channel.

Good Luck!
Fight for writing. :)
Anfalia   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The design for a wind turbine and its location [3]

(it does not tell what the pictures actually means)
in this first introductory paagraph, you should;
1. tell the first picture which tells about the design of wind turbine
2. tell the 2nd picture which tells about the optimum location
3. give an overview. here, you should understand for both pictures mean. (how wind afffects the turbine basen on different location)
I suggest you to re-write this introductory paragraph. By doing so, I'll give you a further feedback.
Thank you. Good Luck!
Anfalia   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The diagram depicts the phases of erosion of a headland [3]

Hello Ainun, let me give you some overview for you introductory paragraph.

The picturesdiagrams highlight a description with regard to some steps that took place in a headland as a result of coastal erosion through the sea.erosion of a headland phases . Clearly, it can be seen that the overhanging a headland at the top cracks and sea waves attack the zone of weak areas beneath a headland (you can end up your overview here or you add with the further explanation), (and this process consists of there are four phases)of a headline erosion as a result of rock erosion which took a place in a cliff face .

(1) overview; you need not only to explain how many steps that it took, but also you should cover the overall information on the diagram.
Thank you. Good Luck!! :)
Anfalia   
Apr 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / Two charts, one result in the survey of adult education; Writing task 1 [3]

The two of the charts below present for publishing a survey youngster education with the first chart (you need to put conjunction here) examines the percentage of the reason why they are more likely to continue study, and the pie chartillustrates people opinion about ...

Overall, it can be seen that interest in subject and gain qualifications hadhave/experience/witness the highest percentages, and that individual opinion showed the lowest most percentage should be shared among others.
Anfalia   
Apr 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences [2]

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.


Crime is issue that deserves public attention. For this reason, the majority of people argue that prison is the most common punishment for criminals to ensure the safety of other citizens. While other people believe that there are various ways to punish criminals, I am personally convinced that rehabilitation is a convenient place for prisoners to be better citizens.

It is argued that prisoners will be law-abiding citizens when they were punished to stay in a longer time at prisons. For pragmatic instance, some criminals in Jakarta as capital city of Indonesia had stolen some private cars. By doing so, offenders stay at prisons for several years. It would be better for their personalities because they will learnt the lesson after living at prison which they can do almost nothing with public. As a consequence, prisons ensure the safety for citizens.

Another aim of prisons is rehabilitation. In this place, prisoners receive education of vocational skill because they earn personal skill. For instance, women prisoners at rehabilitation in Tokyo were taught to make shawl from wool cloth. In this way, they learnt in a depth how the first through the last process of making shawl. As a result, prisoners would be better citizens by having specific job skill.

In conclusion, either prisons or rehabilitations are a place to punish criminals in terms for being better people. Where possible, government should choose selectively whether rehabilitation or prisons is the place for criminals based on offender's kinds of criminalities.
Anfalia   
Mar 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / To look after the elderly - responsibility of families or the government? [3]

Hello,
let me give you a little suggestion for your introductory paragraph. hopefully it helps.

There is a lot of discussion on how to look after elderly people. While some people suggest that the government is responsible for keeping an eye on them, others argue that it is their families that should support old people.

it could be better that you give your personal argument to answer the task. However, I believe that...(what is your opinion for both arguments?)

Good Luck!
Anfalia   
Mar 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth. [2]

Schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through internet, and they can study just as well at home. What extent do you agree or disagree?

One's success determines on how people are studying. For this reason, it is estimated that there are no available schools in many areas owing to the fact that the majority of children rely entirely on computers which provides them to study at their own places. While this phenomenon meets several merits and demerits, I am personally convinced that some learners need a structured course from high qualified teacher to know materials in a depth.

...
Anfalia   
Mar 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Develop countries have created many environmental problems in the world; global warming (IELTS) [2]

Develop countries have created many environmental problems in the world, particularly in their contribution to global warming.
What can be done to reduce the dangers of global warming?


Environmental problem always be a unique topic in this world. For this reason, global warming is estimated to increase significantly as a result of industrialized in many developing countries. However, the danger of this problem can be tackled by several measurements which could be done by government and individual.

A hustle and bustle of human activities is a major [...]
Anfalia   
Mar 25, 2015
Scholarship / Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious University - candidate for a scholarship [3]

However Icing on the cake is holding on an unconditional offer to pursue masters in MSc. Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious "University of XXX" (I think in this sentence you need verb)

These (these what? please specify it) cannot be scribed here unless I had encountered innumerable tussles, crest-fallen moments & failures. Nevertheless I believe that they were the main fuels to propel my willpower to realize my dream. In spite of some hardships, I was graduated as the first literate in my family in first class. But, due to my unfortunate fate my father was not alive to witness my achievements, he hashad(please consistent of your tenses) always backed me and wantsed me to do things(what kinds of things?) despite any circumstance. Losing my father was just like cut the ground from under feet. Overcoming the monetary issues were the primary concerns. However, my strong-minded mother beenwas my moral supporter and backbone in pursuing pinnacle in my passion.

It feels unerring that I have committed myself to robotics. Robotics conglomerates nearly all field from ecology to music to astronomy, and thisthese makes robotics even awe-inspiring to me. Besides I believe it will aid me to develop forward-thinking about robots which would help myself in contributeing/to contribute to the improvement of humanity. As an initiative, I had developed a humanoid arm and biped prosthetic legs. However, i-Limb by Touch bionics were my inspiration to build my prototypes. Also, I am maintaining a technical blog named nijanthanvasudevan's where I post my researches online to share my ideas to any budding inventors.

Also, I believe in my ideas,for pursuing them with all my grit and whittling them into reality. Which I foresee university of XXX, pioneer in the artificial-intelligence having cutting edge research laboratory, known for the outstanding reputation for excellence in world-leading research, innovation and Teaching . I firmly believe that it will be the best place to develop my robotic prototypes into real intellectual creatures.

Through my achievements, I have demonstrated a consistent of high academic accomplishment and passion for technology. Furthermore, I have demonstrated leadership, initiative, and desire to learn technology in a global setting. I believe these will be the influential factors for considering myself as a particular best candidate. And this will provide a chance for me to make my mother feel pride as the words of Thiruvalluvar "The mother who hears her son called "a wise man" will rejoice more than she did at his birth". And regarding funding my masters, I will be applying for SSSSS scholarship also.

Hello, I think overall your idea is great. however, you should pay attention to your grammatical, and please be consistent of tenses in use. also, you should learn more about punctuation for writing. Good Luck!!
Anfalia   
Mar 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Family - a root of happiness in human life; children and their parents seem to be less close nowaday [2]

Nowadays, families are not as close as in the past and a lot of people have become used to this. Explain the reasons for this and discuss any possible effects it may have on society.

Family is the root of happiness in human life. For this reason, children and their parents seem to be less close nowadays, compared to in the past. While this phenomenon has already been a public issue, I personally believe that less contact between parents and children is the main reason why this has happened. Furthermore, juvenile delinquency is on the increase as a result of this situation.

Admittedly, parents are more likely to spend less time with their children, owing to the fact that both parents often work full-time. A research study has shown that the majority of Los Angelinos -both men and women- are workaholics. They spend approximately twelve hours at the workplace, and one or two additional hours for over-time work. They believe that rush hours enable them to gain high salaries. In consequence, many parents have no idea how their children spend their time.

However, lack of closeness in families introduces negative effect on children's behavior. Children feel free from parental attention, and it encourages them to having fun with many friends. Doubtfully, they belong to criminal gangs, and commit a crimes, in public. To illustrate, children join with organized-crime, and they are suspected of being a drug dealer. It will also lead to a rise in juvenile delinquency, among teenagers. As a result, parent surveillance determines children's upbringing.

The aforementioned evidence examines that parents are inevitably involved in their children's behavior. At a young age, children need positive role models in their daily lives. Where possible, father should be a breadwinner and mother should stay at home and bring her children up well. Therefore, families can divide roles and responsibilities in the most convenient way.

I made some word choice swaps, and added some punctuation. Basically, this is a well-written essay, I think you explored both the situation with less closeness to the children, and the effect on society. By focusing on the effects on children, you said how society was affected!

I think you need to pay closer attention to punctuation, and try harder to avoid run-on sentences. Also, preposition choice needs some attention.
I think you'll find my suggestions will address these issues.
Anfalia   
Mar 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Adults education and the reasons why grown-up people continue studying - IELTS [5]

The first bar chart illustrates the reasons why grown-up people continue studying(this is too general, please specify this), and the pie chart shows how to share the cost of education courses following to their thinking.

in introduction, you have to mention about what the graph stands out? and it should be clear. also, how does it measures? "percentage/number/etc"

it could be better that you put an overview in the first paragraph.

Good Luck!
Anfalia   
Mar 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Kids who are not born with some sort of abilities and skills can be as successful as talented one [4]

Believing(it is true using gerund here, but it could be better that do not put verb as a noun (gerund) in the first word of sentence) that people are born with certain skills and talents has a long pedigree.Overtime,by dicovering more about human brain and behaviors,some experts declare(It could be better that you use "argue/beliece/contend" cz declare is to announce something clearly/publicly) that people can gain many skills in different fields such as sport and music by being trained from (since) young age and childhood.

In the past there were many talented who could play sport or a musical instrument without being taught (how do you prove this argument?)and these examples(it could be better that you specify your example) made us believe that to be good at sports or to be a good musician,it needs to have the skill in our DNA.The main root of this belief was the lack of information about human and his abilities to learn .By the time passing,scientists have tried to find if there are other factors (what are they?) which can effect on human learning proccess and the amount of time that should be dedicate to train a child be a specialist on any type of acitivity like sport or music.(This paragraph is good, you try to compare:past and present. however, there are some missing argument, I mean that you should make statement clearly)

Nowadays,some experts try to bring to light effective ways to teach children toin improveing their skills even if they do not have the talent in some sort of activities such as sport or playing music.Many researches conducted on this issue have make it clearly that under correct conditions it would be possible to take out a super star from normal children in any fields by encouraging them to practice continuouslyand hard working.In addition to have successful it is important to find activity that they show interest on them to be successfuland helping them through it until they reach to good result on it even if they are not born with the talent.(you need sentence connector here) It is clear that by avoding to give up ,keep trying and learning from mistakes each person could find the way to success and no matter if they are not high talented.

1. pay attention to your spelling
2. try to avoid using many verb as a gerund "being"
3. simplify your example from scientific fact
4. I don't really find grammar error in this essay. however, you should be careful on flow of sentence because it's important

Good Luck!!
Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For this reason people see money as its source. [2]

Some people believe that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others believe there are other factors. Discuss the two sides and give your opinion.

Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For this reason, the majority of people see money as a source of happiness. While other people argue that happiness is something deeper, I personally believe that there two factors to measure happiness: getting a sense of achievement and spending time with family and friends.

Success is probably defined as a wealthy life.

...
Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine [2]

Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine. However, at best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous. To what extent, do you agree with this statement?

Good health is a key for happy life. For this reason, people are increasingly using alternative medicines to treat illness. While this traditional treatment addresses unknown side effects owing to not be tested scientifically, many patients report positive experiences with this treatment. Therefore, I personally believe that seeing high-qualified doctors is a valuable solution for people suffering illness.

...
Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Scholarship / 'to impart negotiating skills' - Essay for Emory - Design an academic course [4]

... Students are required to do considerable (considerable what?? you need to specify it) after-class reading to get a basic understanding of different culture customs in various types of negotiations. During the second semester, the main focus is on practice. Students will get training for common forms of negotiations which can be employed in various walks of life in the future. The former of two sections are open to all students and each class is restricted to have no more than twenty students to ensure the class discussion and interaction with the teachers. The third semester is designed for students who have a career goal of entering politics. The model negotiating conferences will be held regularly in class, focusing mainly on political negotiations in the forms of United Nations, European Union, British Parliament and American Council. Each class is restricted to eight to twelve students to enable class debate while ensuring everyone's participation.

If my classmates and I take this course, we will benefit from it in multidimensional ways. Through the former of two sections of the course, we will receive systematic training on critical thinking, which can possibly to enhance our abilitiesy of questioning. Critical thinking can also be applied to academic writing and debating, making our statements more logical. In the meantime, we can enlarge our knowledge base through extensive reading and form a habit of caring about current affairs around the world. Furthermore, we can gain interpersonal skills and be more tactful when having conversations.
Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Modern lifestyles are increasingly stressful, therefore people in this world are faced by stress. [NEW]

Stress is now major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?


Modern lifestyles are increasingly stressful. For this reason, people in this world are faced by stress. While demanding jobs and high qualifying exams or tests are the main factors, I am personally convinced that some measurements enable this case to be solved.

It is undeniable that stress addresses two crucial factors. Initially, people work long hours with strict deadlines. As an obvious example, the majority of people in London are workaholic, and almost a half of their day is spent on workplace -twelve hours a day for six days a week. A demand from their employers to finish job well in exact time and an increase in high salary encourage them to do so. Consequently, people have less time to relax. Another factor makes people especially students to be stressful is tests or exams which enable them who do not have a solid emotional support think seriously about how to be successful and get favorable result on test.

However, stress can be reduced by taking regular exercise. People with full-time work have to take regular exercise at least once a week. As an obvious example, nowadays the majority of civil servants or regular employees in Indonesia have regular jogging or cycling every Sunday in public areas such as park and town square. As a result, physical activity encourages emotional tension to be reduced through human body. Also, schools have to employ psychologists to offer emotional support for students so as to be relaxed and do well on test.

Taking into account from the arguments mentioned so, stressful is avoidable for inhabitants when they cannot manage their emotional distress. It is imperative that getting sufficient sleep and making leisure time a priority are important aspects to be applied in human life to not be stressful and can enjoy their happy lives.

Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace [4]

Thank you for your feedback. However, may I ask you, could you give me some reasons for this;

"To exemplify, an employer works at coffee shop..." (try replacing with "For example")
"Conversely, employees who work outside tend..." (tr replacing with "On the other hand" or "By contrast")

Thank you
Anfalia   
Mar 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Columbia and Yamhill - population in the state of Oregon by Country - IELTS writing [3]

The line graph illustrates the change of population in variousseveral countries in the U.S. State of Oregon between 1940 and 2000 and is measured in thousands. Overall, it is immediately apparent that the biggest population witnessed in Washingtonwas the most country in term of population since 1940 until 2000.

In 1940, Columbia and Yamhill were at fairly similar population ofby 30,000 and 28,000 people respectively. Meanwhile, Washington stood at 75,000 and this made this country to becoame the top between thoseamong three other countries.

Good Luck!!
Anfalia   
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace [4]

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (eg. At home, when travelling, etc.)
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?


Technology drives an innovation and a revolution in worker mobility. For this reason, the majority of people are more likely to get a job done anywhere and anytime at comfortable place by using information technology. While it renders some advantages and disadvantages, I strongly believe that the drawbacks for this case are twice more likely than the benefits.

People working in a non-office space enable to provide some new ideas with different perspectives at existing problems through other people. To exemplify, an employer works at coffee shop will meet and share to other people who have different experiences and it probably is the way for them to have new ideas. As a result, they are able to implicate their ideas in their work.

Conversely, employees who work outside tend to have less self-motivation because they are alone and it creates a quite boring condition. For pragmatic instance, an employee works at home without co-workers and it decreases their spirit to finish job well. As a result, this can destroy their motivation.

My own personal point of view for this case is that there are several demerits in some aspects. Firstly, a distraction will disturb their effectiveness to work. As an obvious example, a woman who works at home will be disrupted by her children who need her aid intensively. As a result, she cannot finish her job perfectly. Secondly, less interaction to other people impacts to their narrow minded in their perspective to think critically. Thirdly, they tend to expenditure more amount of money for getting food outside.

In conclusion, either working from home or from an office renders huge benefits to each person. However, in my personal argument, it comes down to the type of people's personalities to choose the comfortable zone. Where possible, people should accept any conditions of their workplaces and should be responsible to finish their jobs perfectly.

Anfalia   
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / On the whole, people need to be aware of the value of food-consumed. [2]

Food can be produced cheaper if we use improved fertilizers and better machinery. However some of methods may be dangerous for human health, and have negative effects for local communities. What is your opinion?

Chemical fertilizer resulting from today's developments in science and technology are bound to pose benefits to the local community and human health.
...
Anfalia   
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Children are tomorrow asset for parent and nation. IELTS essay [2]

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Children are tomorrow asset for parent and nation. For this reason, children in some countries in the world had introduced into well-paid work. While the majority of people against this statement as it completely disorder related to children who are not appropriate in terms of working, others believe that working enables to create a sense of responsibility through among younger ages' life. However, it is my firm conviction that to work will be available for children with exceptionally such live in poor family as far as they are concerned with their particular subject schools.

...
Anfalia   
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer [4]

Thank you sHanafi,
may I ask you how to differ "to be+able+to+verb" and "enable"?

Actually I've rewritten this essay, and for the first I said about the improvement of medical care that caused longer life expectancy, but it was off topic because the task asked about "development"? so i restate about the development of this trend which people have more life expectancy. Can you give me suggestion of this?

Thank you so much.
Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sports unite peoples from different corners of the world. IELTS TASK 2. [2]

International sporting events such as Olympic Games and the Football World Cup provide an outlet for patriotic feelings, and help reduce international tensions.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Sports unite peoples from different corners of the world. From this personal perspective, it is said that global sport events heighten international tensions. However, this is the convenient way to express patriotism sense intensely. While both views address merits and demerits, I am personally convinced that sports have always been extremely essential aspect in this part of the world.

...
Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / I do not agree to follow the same curriculum through all that period of time; GRE essay [7]

Therefore I do not agree with the decision of making all of the students to follow the same curriculum through all thatover the period of time. We as humans are very different individuals as we all have our own very particular skills and capabilities, such as our own way of learning, our own way to perceive and express things(this word is too general, you need to specify it). With this reasoningBy this reason, I mean that not all students have the same learning capabilities nor(it's not appropriate conjunction to be put here) the same interests and not all teachers use the same teaching methods nor have the same backgrounds.

Although, I strongly believe that this process may be ideal until 9th grade as during this period of time is where we learn the basics of the education, for what I agreeas I mentioned so, that it should be standardized but only until this point in time, and from then on everyone should be capable of choosing its own path based on each individual's interests and capabilities.

Good Luck!!
Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / History creates value and shapes our life. For this reason law is available to protect old buildings [NEW]

Many old buildings are protected by law because they are part of nation's history. However, some people think old buildings should be knocked down to make way for new ones because people need houses and offices.

How important is it to maintain old buildings?
Should history stand in the way of progress?


History creates value and shapes our life. For this reason, law is available to protect old buildings because they are part of history. While the majority of people think that this should be constructed to be changed by novel accommodations, I am totally convinced that the old buildings as nation's icon are essential to be maintained, and history should be preserved as the way of development era due to attach immense value for societies.

As the icon of country, the old buildings should be maintained well because they introduced some historical stories. As an obvious example, pyramid as an old outstanding building in Egypt has become tourist attraction owing to the story in the past about mysterious of thousand slavers who was predicted to build this impressive building. In consequence, the old buildings render a brief answer of people's curiosity about fictional or real-life story.

Admittedly, history creates value for human beings so it is essential to be preserved in the way of progress. For pragmatic instance, the colonization history in Indonesia in 1900s shapes the dogmatism of young generation's mind so as to learn how their ancestors struggle sincerely to create Indonesia to be independent. As a result, history should not be dismissed since it drives people to have a moral value.

In conclusion, the old buildings should be protected by law as they create a great value for youngsters. It is imperative that government should preserve faithfully the old buildings by encouraging them as tourism attraction, and ordinary people should trace the history in terms of consideration for their future lives.

Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / There are some huge gaps between male and female regarding teaching - IELTS [4]

I don't worry about the body of your paragraph. however, in the introduction, you need to tell about what the graph stands out/tells? and how about the overall of this graph? even you haven't mentioned about the overall. I think general view/overview is the important one in IELTS essay task 1.

Good Luck!
Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Electricity transfers from high voltage cables into transformer station - one of several stages [2]

The diagram below shows the process of using water to produce electricity.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


This diagram illustrates the process of water-produced for electricity. Overall, there are three main steps of hydro-electric power generation: water-collected into reservoir, water-rotated in the turbine, and electricity-transferred through transformer station.

To begin with, the heat of sun energy evaporates water in the sea. While this process of evaporation becomes a cloud, the rain goes down. Afterwards, the rainfall water is collected into reservoir. The water goes down by opening valve and it rotates into the turbine to generate the electricity.

What stands out from the graph is the electricity which transfers from high voltage cables into transformer station. Eventually, the next stage of this process is to generate the electricity through some accommodations such as hospitals and schools by underground cables.

A closer look at the data reveals that the water-used as natural resources to generate electricity is repeatedly. The waste of water from rotating turbine goes through a pump, and then it returns to reservoir.

Anfalia   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS - governments subsidize museums, theaters and other arts, and it concerns many people. [3]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

Today, the fact that governments subsidize museums, theaters and other arts concerns many people[i](this sentence has double verbs). (1) One may hear indignant(I'm not sure that this adjective can be collocated with public) public claiming that authorities should stop(pay attention, the prompt does not say that government should stop) such investments completely and redirect those money(you have not mention about "money" before) on public needs. As for me, I find such exclamations a bit simplistic and suggest(suggest/argue??) that this problem is complex and multi-dimensional.(2)

1. this sentence does not match with the prompt; Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money

In my opinion, governments would better invest in the arts. However, while By doing so, authorities should take into consideration an economic and a demographic situation of their country, so as to ensure that the investments in the arts and in the social needs are distributed in the adequate proportionalityproportionally . It needs to be always born in mind that, as every country has the needs of the first priority (health, education, for example ) and the second priority, such as the arts,. the needs of the highest priority should always be satisfied first. Obviously, if a particular country suffered from famine, it would be a nonsense for the governments(you have to be consistent to use singular/plural Noun) to invest not in the basic needs but in the theaters.

In this paragraph you use your opinion for topic sentence; however, it's slightly contrast with the last sentence of this paragraph that you against of the idea.

Still(It's uncommon if you use this word at the beginning of paragraph), the complete discontinuation of the governments' investments in the arts is not a productive policy. The fact of the matter is that art galleries and museums are powerful educational tools that may facilitate the intelligent and cultural growth of the population(how do you prove this statement?). In order to make museums accessible to general public, the low costs(this is a new topic that you have not mentioned so in the introduction) of the tickets should be maintained, which gives rise to the need for the investment.

Overall;
1. you have to pay attention of complex sentence
2. IELTS essay is not only how the grammatical can be corrected, but also how about the flow of sentence and idea. Honestly, I still confuse with your idea of this topic, and also with your own opinion.

3. Task 2, you need to write 250 words
4. you have to know well what is your task so as to far from off-topic

Let me give you general idea of paragraph;
1. Introduction; you have to paraphrase this; "Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead". and also, youw own opinion to answer this task "To what extent do you agree with this statement?"

2. Body 1; One Idea Paragraph/Multiple Idea===="agree with this statement"
- One Idea; Topc sentence, explanation, example, result
- Multiple; topic sentence, firstly, explanation, example, result, secondly,...

3. Body 2; One Idea Paragraph/Multiple Idea===="disagree with this statement"
- One Idea; Topc sentence, explanation, example, result
- Multiple; topic sentence, firstly, explanation, example, result, secondly,...

4. Conclusion
you have to paraphrase your introduction+recommendation(suggestion/fear)[/i]

Good Luck! Keep fighting for IELTS!!
Anfalia   
Mar 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer [4]

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Good health is a key for happy life. For this reason, the majority of people these days are estimated to live longer than their ancestors. While people who live longer in this world render benefits for others, it will be ashamed when they are not independent and cannot look after themselves.

It is argued that elderly people suffered from medical problem such as dementia might bother younger people especially in their families. For instance, ageing people suffering from cancer cannot look after their healthy body by themselves. They need other people to feed them, serve their medicines, and wash their laundry. As a result, people who live longer always rely on an aid from others.

Conversely, it is undeniable that nowadays people aged over 65 are more likely enjoyed a happy old age healthily. As an obvious example, there are many pensions of civil servant are still able to do their new activities that they could not afford in their workplace such as gardening. This is a leisure-time activity to refresh their mind from distressful feeling. Furthermore, the majority of ageing people enjoy [...]
Anfalia   
Feb 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years [2]

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now "one big traffic jam".

How true do you think this statement is?
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?


Traffic congestion is a major issue in society these days. For this reason, a rise significantly in car ownership over three decades has already affected to the number of malady traffic jam. While this obvious fact is nearly to be true to some extent, I am personally convinced that there are number of measurements could be taken by governments from car-used.

It is undeniable that the majority of people especially in large cities are keen on driving car as their main transportation to meet their daily activities. A research study has shown that nearly 90 percent of people who live in Indonesia own a car. They use it frequently for having trip, going to work, or even only going to some stores near by their homes. In consequence, the incline in people commuting car is getting worse, and it takes some time to be solved.


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Anfalia   
Feb 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Study once specialist subject or a series of subjects in universitiy [6]

More attention should be paid on how universities provide a subject in their curriculum. Ordinary people think that college students only focus on specific part of subject. While it is true to some extent as they come to be a(the previous noun you said "they"but here you say "a") good professional person such as a doctor and an engineer, other people argue that adding some subjects to the universities curriculum make the students have an extensive knowledge instead of their primary subject as they will get much information to support their field subject. However, I comprehensively agree that the universities which provide an additional subject will bring their graduates into a highly competent personpeople(why I change so because universities identically have more than one graduate).

As a matter of fact, nowadays, most universities in the world have been constructing the curriculum only concern for the field of subject as they expect their graduates become a skilled person(in this entence you have three verbs but oneconjunction). For instance, a faculty of medicine only provides the subjects related to medical sector as they(they refers to whom? you have not mentioned people/students in this sentence) become a doctor. Also an engineer , when they studied in the universities, they focus on engineering subject(an engineer NOT they). From here(you may change this "as a result" because it seems uncommon in academic writing), the professional will only know about their field(remember that conclusion should be linked to the topic sentence NOT example).

On the other hand, people believe that a professional person has to be capable of an other knowledge which can help him or her(this object pronoun is uncommon in academic writing, it could be better if you talk as general such as "they/them/their") to improve their abilityies(you need conjunction here because double verb without conjunction is forbidden)become a talented person. For example, the doctors and the engineers have to know about some religion studies. They can improve their attitude especially in morals and ethics. A 2012, study in King Abdul Aziz University pointed out that 75 % doctors and engineers in England who have studied a religion subject are more patient and better attitude when they serve their clients . They enable to give a quality advice to their customers . From this research, it can be seen that education of religion is important factor in part of universities curriculum.[/quote]

[quote=mumtazdinar]In additionAnother point to discuss this opinion is that companies are usually interested in the graduates who have a good perspective and a mannerly person. While they have a good result in their studies, the companies always refer to applicant's point of view when they come to a job interview. Therefore, the students who have worked out the religion studies, they have much knowledge on how to be the best person in life. They have more value than other graduates who never involve in spiritual studies(this is not the conclusion of topic sentence/first line).

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that although once specialist subject makes(it seems not appropriate meaning if you use "make" here) the graduates to be a professional person, the universities have to provide additional subjects to improve their students' attitude. However, students who learn some additional subjects such as religion subject will come up with the best solutions. It is imperative that adding spiritual subject in the curriculum gives benefits to the graduates and environment where they work or live(why environment get benefit from subject??).

For the reasons mentioned aboveso, it seems to me that although once specialist subject makescreates the graduates to be a professional person, the universities have to provide additional subjects to improve their students' attitude. However, students who learn some additional subjects such as religion subject will come up with the best solutions. It is imperative that adding spiritual subject in the curriculum gives benefits to the graduates and environment where they work or live.

(I don't know why when I read your conclusion, it seems that I repeat some repetition sentences that you mentioned so, you need to paraphrase it).

overall, please focus on the task. I'm afraid that it is going to be off topic. Thank you. Good Luck!!
Anfalia   
Feb 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / HOW COLOUR CAN EFFECT PEOPLE'S FEELING [3]

Colour is basic substances which can be possibly fast caught by eyes. For this reason, some experts have a perspective that colour enables to influence humans' feeling. By doing so, the pattern of colour in public areas, hospital and office, havehas to meet the requirement (what requirement? you need to specific this) in order to encourage people's feeling. Therefore, I utterly believe that colourful painting evokes personal physical well-being and improves well-qualified profession.

Admittedly, people work in huge varietyies of high contras colours which decoration used to find out difficult to concentrate on their works since room colours influence their moods and thoughts. As an obvious fact, American researcher recorded that warm colours such as red and orange arouse negative emotions (anxiety, excitement, distress and upset) whereas cool colours like as green, such feelings comfortable, calm and serene, rise relaxed people's feeling. As a result, light contrast colours which is believed to create a fresh thinking in the midst of overwhelming work pressuresin this sentence, you only have one verb but you have one ocnjunction. always pay attention complex sentence.

In addition, the impact of colours boost work performance for wokers in offices. As such colour effects are more likely to use a variety of colours to represent their jobs , between light and bold colours. For instance, Bank corporates in Indonesia use light colours, expansive and airy, [i]making(you need conjunction and verb here NOT verb as a gerund) rooms appear larger and brighter[/i] )(many verbs in this sentence but lack of conjunction). Conversely, there is a place of work using dark colour like creative room, such as red, yellow, orange, and green so as to give passionate about talented person. Bright colours raise a room's energy level, therefore these are good preference to stir up excitements. In an entryway, colours create to a strong first impression.

overall, this paragraph seems confusing, this idea is the same as the previous paragraph.

In fact, Texas Medical University evidenced examinesthat myopia is related to green colour to therapy people, reduce illness gradually
(many verbs and one conjunction)

This therapy helps to support the eye muscle. As a consequence, green colours (need to be here) coming as a therapy to stimulate body and mine of medical field.

In conclusion, it is clearly that colours influence(influence what?) for human changing psychology. Bold colour diversities tend to get a similar reaction from most people and the overall difference being in the shade or tones used. Where possible, when it comes to decorating, it is fundamental to choose wisely.

Overall, I suggest you to really pay attention on your subject verb agreement. Also, the flow of sentence because I'm afraid that you still do not anwer well the task, and it will be going to off topic.

Thank you. Good Luck!
Anfalia   
Feb 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / People perceive change in different ways. Is it always for the better or not? Is vital for our lives [5]

It is true that people perceive change in different ways. Some members of the community believe that change is always for the better, while others think otherwise.

I think in this part, you miss your own opinion. you should put in your introduction.
here pattern of intro; (Hook, paraphrase prompt, your own opinion from the task)

person to improve him- or herself,

I don't say that this is wrong, bit it could be better if you point to general (they/them)

learn something new??

It's too general.

that he or shethey

[quote=autumn_waltz]with their familyies

[/quote]
Good Luck!
Anfalia   
Feb 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: work for the same organization all their working life [2]

Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.


One's success determines through rewarding career. For this reason, while the majority of people are more likely to take up office in one organization during their life being spent in workplaces, others argue that working for various job experiences in different organizations in considerable leading to have better life. However, I am personally convinced that there are several benefits for workers who pretty often change their job in different organizations.

...
Anfalia   
Feb 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: increasing number of people are suffering from health problems [3]

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Fast food menus are tricky when you are watching your weight or your health. For this reason, the majority of countries are experiencing health problem owing to eating much fast food. While rising tax of fast food addresses merits and demerits for the development of country, I am personally convinced that government do not need to rise in fast food tax due to introducing a lower economic development; however, people should balance to consume this food with regular exercise.

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Anfalia   
Feb 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Human expression; art-based subjects should be compulsory in the curriculum - IELTS TASK 2 [2]

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art, and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Art is a product of human expression. For this reason, the majority of educationalists contend that art should be a mandatory subject at secondary-school curriculum. It dues to this activity enhances the optimal condition of academic performance. Therefore, I strongly believe that art subjects enable to create students' real ability.

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