lcturn87
Sep 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is health education the answer to the consumption of junk food? IELTS essay [3]
I would like to help you with your essay.
You could change the first sentence: Junk food consumption can beis undoubtedly detrimental to one's health. Here is an alternative way to begin the last sentence in the first paragraph: "Although it seems efficient,..."
I think this second paragraph is well-constructed or very good. Yet, I'm concerned that by stating the benefits, you maybe avoiding the question. Your opinion was regarding health education as an efficient measure, but not enough to stop the prevalence of junk food. Here is how you could change it: Does looking at the nutrients in foods help people avoid bad choices? What if the junk food is cheaper or tastes good?
You could add contradictions to help you. Ex: "Educating people about food can help them to maintain a healthy diet and refrain from eating junk food." However, this lifestyle could be difficult for them to maintain. This is a contradiction because you say that education will help, but this has to be a behavior that continues. This is similar to your opinion, because you think education is not enough.
If you continue to do this in your second paragraph, you will have more ideas to support your opinion.
3rd paragraph: Place "an" before effective. Place "in" before eliminating. Advertisements should be "advertisements".
4th paragraph: I was unaware that headachy was a word, but a better choice of word is "difficult". You could add two or more sentences to summarize for a better conclusion.
I would like to help you with your essay.
You could change the first sentence: Junk food consumption can be
I think this second paragraph is well-constructed or very good. Yet, I'm concerned that by stating the benefits, you maybe avoiding the question. Your opinion was regarding health education as an efficient measure, but not enough to stop the prevalence of junk food. Here is how you could change it: Does looking at the nutrients in foods help people avoid bad choices? What if the junk food is cheaper or tastes good?
You could add contradictions to help you. Ex: "Educating people about food can help them to maintain a healthy diet and refrain from eating junk food." However, this lifestyle could be difficult for them to maintain. This is a contradiction because you say that education will help, but this has to be a behavior that continues. This is similar to your opinion, because you think education is not enough.
If you continue to do this in your second paragraph, you will have more ideas to support your opinion.
3rd paragraph: Place "an" before effective. Place "in" before eliminating. Advertisements should be "advertisements".
4th paragraph: I was unaware that headachy was a word, but a better choice of word is "difficult". You could add two or more sentences to summarize for a better conclusion.