Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The graph below and the chart on the next page show the answers people gave [4]

Hi Mardian, I have a few suggestions for your essay;

- ... information about the satisfaction rating ofwith life according
- ... be seen that the least happiness occur in young
- agepeople are happier by having money,
- ... older people does not make them happy.

- After thatHowever , they have similar
- pattern in 21-30 age group until it reaches thea bottom in 41-50 ...
- ..., the trend is upward and has hit a high point atof 5.6 for everyone

- and this has decreased sharply
- health issues begins from the bottom
- inat the age or more than 75.
- There is a cross in age group of 45-54 between

There you have it Mardian,I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and overall, the analysis only needs minor modifications and this should help enhance your analysis.

Writing Feedback / Smart camera system checks patients' vital signs from afar [4]

Hi Nurul, I would like to share a few insights to your essay;

- Oxehealth, accompany spuna company that spunned out fromof the University of Oxford,
- created a medical device, a software that
- in parallel with sensors.
- to make sursuresomeoneit is safe when they ...

- This software watchessurveys the small changes
- It also tracks subtle changes in the colourcolor
- of the patients skin
- and patients their selves can monitor it themselves in the comfort of their ownthe illness from home.

There you have it Nurul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know. For future writing reference, mind your sentence construction and make sure that they are transpiring the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Happiness ratings for people who have partner and do not have partner in the US [5]

Hi Wily, below are my thoughts on your analysis essay;

- percentage of a research on enjoyableenjoyment ratings
- for people who have partner and those who does not have a partner
- in the US and athe happiness
- that a spouse have higher number of
- happiness,at twice than a single person.
- ButHowever , for all people,the
- Besides that , husbands and wives who
- than the spouse who have young adults.

- The happiest people who havehas partner
- But forFor the single person
- that has age group 65 and more it is 34 percent. - Furthermore, spouses in 50-64 age group
- and unmarried people in the same group-agesage group and in 18-29 age group at 21 percent.

There you have it Wily, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance do let us know, we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK II - CHILDCARE CENTERS [2]

Hi Risky, I have a few suggestions to enhance the last part of your essay;

- To sum upOverall , both childcare
- centers and family members can bring benefit
- forto parents to takein taking care of their children,
- wherewhile some parents believe
- asare the most trustworthy person
- to babysit and teach their children.
- Where possible, children not only should not only be be taken cared of but also taught early.

There you have it Risky, with the first 3 paragraphs, there's not really a lot to enhance, however, upon proof reading your essay, I believe the final paragraph needs that improvement as you can see with the above remarks and corrections, I hope you follow through for the benefit of a well written essay. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task II _ Pediatric care centers offer best service for children [3]

Hi Husnul, I believe with over 6 essays that I have reviewed, this is one of those essays that does not necessarily need to be modified with a major enhancement. I believe this is a well managed essay, you were able to draw a clear picture of the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers and this is very good when you're writing.

Should there be anything that I would recommend to be changed, it will be the appearance of the essay, I believe the 4th and 5th paragraph can be merged and it should present a more presentable final paragraph.

Overall, you can continue doing this kind of essay and believe me, there are still a lot to learn but you are in the right track in developing your writing skills and you can also learn a few writing techniques along the way. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Several countries permit under-age children to work [4]

Hi risky, as I review your essay it is very easy to understand that every person has their own opinion,I say this because it has been 6 essays that I have reviewed and most of them are of different opinions, some would be on the positive and some are on the negative side. Now, of course in every writing that you have, all you have to do is be very objective towards the answer to the prompt, this way you will have a neutral side of the essay.

Now, as I go through the essay, I must say, I don't see major enhancement needed in the essay, however, in proofreading, there a few corrections that can be done to strengthen the essay, this are minor ones such as your comma, linking verbs, verb tenses and a few word forms that are very easy to change and correct.

Overall, it was a well versed essay, the presentation however can also be enhanced, you can merge the first and second paragraph and leave the rest of the essay as it is, this will give you 3 solid paragraphs to work with and this will also enhance the appearance of the essay and the ease of reading.

Writing Feedback / Moving manufaturers to suburban areas bears demerits [3]

Hi Husnul, I believe in this particular essay, you started very strong, you managed to create a well written essay, you have incorporated simple words that is very essential when it comes to writing, this will not only ensure that your readers understand your essay but more importantly, this will let you know that what you wrote is worth a read and very easy to the eyes as well, not too long and not so short.

Now, as much as I notice the strength of the first two paragraphs, I must say, the last one did not stand as much, having said that, below are my thoughts to enhance your essay;

- In briefOverall , it is undeniable that throughthough the policy to (...) way to solve the population density in the rural areas , but this idea bring demerits for outskirtin the urban areas as the movement target.

There you have Husnul, I hope the above revision and insights help in your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the more modern the life become, the more people tend to prefer living in large cities. [3]

Hi Nguyen, I believe this is my first review for your essay and so far, your essays are looking good. You see, when you're writing, you have to understand what you are writing about, the prompt should be internalized and you should create a mental presentation of how your essay will sound like when you read it out loud. This is very important, simply because, you will not be able to create a well written essay if you don't have the right idea and the right approach and if you yourself does not understand what you wrote.

Furthermore, as much as you can, review the rules of the language, make sure that you are abreast of the latest updates of the language rules, this will be very essential when you write and hopefully, when you get accustomed to writing you will be able to get the habit of writing a good one.

Moreover, as mentioned, you have a good start in writing, however, this should not stop here, you should be able to develop your writing skills and be sure to practice writing more often and read a lot too

Writing Feedback / Some parents believe that the best treatment for children is bringing them to the childcare centre [3]

Hi Riandi, question, once you're done with your essay, do you also take time to read it?, see, I ask because, in this particular essay, I find the sentences hard to understand, it's quiet confusing, most of the sentences has a lot of things going on in them and this is not good when it comes to answering the prompt.

To show and elaborate this observation, please find the suggestions below;

- In briefOverll , even though childcare
- has ais good track record to takein taking care of children, the carer should have thewith expert ability from their employeeto be effective in taking care of children , this essay tend to be convinced tois a guide theirfor children by themselves becauseand the family hasto have a close relationship.

... and supervise every detail in a monthon a regular basis so that childcare will getas to build and earn parent's trustful .

There you have it Riandi, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and practice writing more as well as proofread your essay in order for you to see and understand what you wrote, it's always a good thing to be your own personal critique.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular activities, work - need guidance on improvement in language and grammar! [5]

Hi Shivani, below are my thoughts on your essay and I hope it helps in your revision;

- For the last two and a half years ,
- I amhave been working at Hoste Hainse .
-and thus tutoring the orphans and the abandoned ones
- and instructingteaching them provides me
- Organiz ing a debate competition
- and story writing competition once in a week has

There you have it Shivani, I hope that in my own little way, I am able to show you the difference from the original draft to the modified one. Overall, there are very minor enhancements that are very easy to correct and before I go, I would like to say, KUDOS to you for doing such a noble job in helping the ones who are in less fortunate.

Do let us know when you need additional help from us.

Writing Feedback / More electricity are produced using alternative energy resources. [3]

Hi Andika, at a glance, I immediately notice the lack of linking verbs that should and is a valuable component of a sentence. Lacking such link in your sentence would only mean that your sentence will miss an essential factor in showcasing such idea and in ensuring that your readers are able to perfectly comprehend with your article or writing project.

Having said that, below are my thoughts to enhance your essay;

- More electricity are produced that using
- for now it comes from alternative energy re sources.
- It has an advantage and disadvantages .
- While the cost fromof using new energy
- source will beis higher,since it is the newest. Beside that it would be manythe choice for
- people to use in the future to useas it
- will lessen theour dependance on fossil.

- New energy bring thea positive way forof using but the cost will be more expensivenatural resources but the cost will be more expensive .

There you have it Andika, I hope the above remarks and insights are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, make sure not to forget the minor verbs and word format in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Many countries are allowed children to work in particular areas [4]

Hi Muhammad, below are my suggestions to enhance the first two paragraphs of your essay;

- Many countries are allowedallow children to work in
- Even thoughThough children can get a lot of
- experiences,thatit does not havethey will miss a lot in formal education,
- I believe that they are not mentally and psychologically ready to
- face the working life as a mentality and psychology .

- in theirthis working areas are beneficial rather than in formal education.
- The reason for this is that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- who are older than them, and they can bring
- a good influences forto the children.
- And also, they can learn about how to operate some equipment in their offices. - I believe this sentence is not necessary in this part of the essay.

- For example, a current survey by a Psychologist in the University of Melbourne
- in 2009 found that 75% of children are happy to
- and they also satisfy with theirdevelop new skills
- that they got inlearn companies.

There you have it Muhammad, I hope you are able to get a few advises on how to enhance your essay.Overall, I believe the confusion comes from the fact that, you are trying very hard to put all your ideas in one go, so for future writing reference, make sure that you know how to separate and logically present your ideas.

Writing Feedback / INCREASING SEA LEVELS CAUSED BY GLOBAL WARMING [4]

Hi Eva, here's another one from my end;

- Today,One the most serious issue
- that people face causedis global warming
- iswith the increasedof sea levels. - This would lead to the inundation in the coastal area

- The main problem is caused by global
- the inundation inof the coastal zone.
- Also, such disaster will halt humanpeoples daily routines, c
- In 2009, Koreathe Korean government said
- that 69% of people chose to move to a comfort
- long as the flood drowningdoesn't drown their homeshouse .

There you have it Eva, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / People at the workplace should inhale only the fresh air, not polluted by the smoke [3]

Hi Andika, first of all, in this essay, you can merge both 1st and 2nd paragraph into 1 and do the same for the rest of the essay, this means you will have 2 essays at the end of the revision, I suggest this because it will be easier to read and comprehend, also, remember that slicing your ideas into smaller paragraphs does not mean that it has better outcome than merging them into 2 solid paragraphs.

Just to share, people who smoke, always pose a very crucial health problem not only to the one who smokes but more importantly to the one who as they say, get the "second hand smoke", they are more likely to develop the diseases from smoke, more than the one who are smoking. I believe it will be a hard issue to tackle, however, if one can quit smoking, then that's already a good start.

Going back to our essay, below are my thoughts on the final paragraph of your essay.

- All in allOverall , a smoking in the outside the building
- in the workplace to get a naturenatural air and the
- employees can keep their body toand stay fit.
-Thus, people inside the building iswill get the positive
- impact from thethis condition.

There you have it Andika, as you can see, the last paragraph of the essay can still be enhanced and I hope this helps in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Many children in several countries spend much time in the workplace instead of being at school [4]

HI Riandi, here's another one from my end;

- On the other hand, when childrena minor decided
- to take a half-timepart time job,
- the precious experience will be obtained for preparingthat will prepare them in the future,
- this is due to the fact that childrenthis minors met
- It is noticeable that students
- with half-time in schoolpart time job have higher
- achievement than students who havehas full time
- in the schoolstudies since they have developed a skill forin problem solving.

There you have it Riandi, for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs as well as the forms of the words that you incorporate in your sentences as this will have an overall impact in your essay. I hope the above corrections help in your revision and I will try to come back for the rest of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / 'They are not ready psychologically'. Writing Task II; Children are Encouraged to Have Paid Work [4]

Hi Husnul, I would like to share a few insights to enhance your essay but before I do, I would like to share that this particular issue is very relevant to this day and age, a lot of students are very keen on working first before moving on and continue with there education. As it is, there are a lot of factors to consider such as the fact that they need a lot financial help in continuing their studies, time and effort is also needed in order to make sure that they are going to finish with flying colors and land a good and rather rewarding job.

Having said that, I would like to start the review with a few corrections on the last two paragraphs pf your essay.

- face the hardnesshardship of the working atmosphere.
-Taking a job in thatat this age must be difficult
- to engage with the stuffsas those young people are in charge to play .- in this sentence, there's a lot going on and most of them are not needed at all.

- Then ifIf they have to work in a car wash, for example,
- they must have less experience which results
- children got anger by theto an angry boss.
- Thus it can affect them to becomeThis might develop an introvert personality .

There yo have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / Many benefits of taking up a job before starting to attend a university, but also a few drawbacks [8]

Hi Riandi, as I go through the essay, I must say that you are still having difficulties in your essay, specially when it comes to your linking verbs, this is minor, however, it will become a major one when it's not treated properly, what I mean is, you have to try and include this in your sentences, every time you write, should you do this more often, you will be able to manage a well written essay without any difficulties in sending your ideas across your readers.

Having said that, please find a few enhancements below;

- Some people believe that the rising generation
- after graduatedof graduates from school
- to pick up a job forafter a couple of years
- before going to the university is increasing .
- due to onethe fact that this isof a great way before
- going to the university, is working
- sincein order to obtain some skills
- and muchmore money for tuition be paid. - There are many benefits ofin taking up a job
- but there could be a few drawbacks as well.

There you have it Riandi, as you can see there's still quiet a few remarks and corrections done in order to enhance and strengthen your essay, I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

Hi Yoosol, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, as you have seen already, we aim at providing you with the most credible feedback and comprehensive review in order to strengthen your essay and boost that confidence in you writing.

Now, as I go through your essay,it feels as though you are missing the character, your character in the essay, yes, the topic at hand is about studying history, but it also says, what tickles your intellectual capacity and don't get me wrong, if it's the European renaissance and classical arts that keep your mind busy, it's all good, however, you still need to strengthen your character as a person who will and is enjoying history.

Overall, it is a well managed essay and I believe it can still be enhance by injecting that smart, quirky side of you with the focus of ideas that you've already written.

I hope to review your final revision soon. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS. 'the money should be better spent' - Wasteful Space Program - Agree or disagree [5]

Hi Naoki, as I go through your essay, I must say,there is a little bit of issue on clarity in your ideas, what I mean is, when you are writing an argumentative essay, you should not only create or write two sides of the puzzle, you should present which side you favor the most, this is because in the first place, it is an argumentative essay and in the end there should be one side that is more dominant then the other. Don't get me wrong, you did agree on spending the governments money but the clarity of the idea can still be enhanced.

Having said that, I would like share a few enhancements;

- the country which is concerned to space is rich,
- the government mayshould pay attention to help
- people in as many ways as possible
- if havingwith so much money that the government have .
- spent onin dealing with problems closer to home.

- poor is extendingoutstanding ,
- so it is hard for the poor to live in a daily life
- and the power of the nation is declining.
- The administration has the obligation
- thatfor the difference to shrinks and every people can enjoy their life.

There you have it Naoki, I hope the above remarks and insights are helpful.

Scholarship / 'I had to travel 24 kilometers daily from my home town to my school'; LEADERSHIP and INFLUENCE ESSAY [5]

Hi Anees, let me help you out.

- WithThe obsolete educational infrastructure
- Being bornBorn and raised in a rural setting,
- I faced the same challenges. But, however , I
- and endeavoredmy hunger for knowledge
- is needed to support my community,
- and mostmore importantly

- At the age of 13, I left my home town

There you have it Anees, overall, this revision has been well written with very few enhancements that will further strengthen your essay.
I do hope that you write more often, it doesn't necessarily have to be a formal essay or answer to a specific prompt, write anything that you can think of, post it here on EF, this way, we can help you out and hone your skill in writing.

Writing Feedback / Facebook and Google Will Stretch Internet Cable from LA to Hong Kong (Article Summary) [3]

Hi Fauzan, here's another one from my end;

- TheThis two internet colossal
- collaboratecollaboration to build advance
- capacity underseaunderwater fiber-optic
- available, not just to the developer,
- but also for everyone elsesingle user as well.
- they arehave become more independent to
- actually defines it and evolving into networks that is running
- The PLCN is the sixth underseaunderwater cable

There you have it Fauzan, I hope the above remarks are still helpful to your revision. In this particular summary essay, you have managed to come up with a strong summary and you stick to the idea of the topic and this is very crucial to your essay, I hope to see more of your essays soon and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Computers have contributed to medicine, but they brought many hindrances in human development [4]

Hi Marcos, I hope my remarks and insights is not too late, well, before I do, I would like to WELCOME you to the forum, we a growing family and we are glad that you are part of this ever helpful and credible forum. We aim at providing you the most comprehensive and objective feedback, in order for you to enhance and get you essay ready for submission.

Now, the physical presentation of your essay needs to enhanced, you can merge the 1st and 2nd paragraph, take the 3rd and 4th to be the body of your essay and strengthen the last paragraph, this will give your essay a clean cut and less confusing parts that is absolutely unnecessary to answer this prompt.

Overall, you have managed to write a well written essay, your ideas are clear, straight to the point and is definitely geared towards answering the prompt. I hope to see more of your writing projects and I hope you follow through with the insights and suggestions given to enhance your essay.

Writing Feedback / The UK'S Ageing Population In 1985 and Prediction for 2035 [2]

Hi Muhammad, I hope my remarks and corrections for your analysis essay is not too late.

First stop, you have to make sure that when you write an analysis essay, you have to make sure that you include the graphic representation such as the diagram, the table or the chart, this will help us in providing you with a more comprehensive review. Anyhow,below are a few remarks and corrections following the English language usage.

- The Bar chart shows the proportion of the ageing
- population Inin the UK in 1985
- and causethe forecast for 2035.
- Overall, don't forget to include your punctuation marks )
- it can be seen that despite some disparity,
- over the period as a whole, the level of the aging population
- by ageing in Great Britannia community

- The information from the bar chart
- in Wales in 1985, completely
- occupier'soccupies nearly grasped 16%
- and in two other states England and UK the
- proportion of the Residents

Spell check
ageing - aging

- Following this aging population by ageing

There you have it Muhammad, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Undergraduate / Moving to America and getting more freedom [5]

Hi Janki, First of all, WELCOME to the Forum, you're yet another member that will definitely shape this forum and here on EF, we aim at providing you with the most credible and objective feedback that will hopefully enhance your writing project and strengthen the essay prior to submission.

Having sais that, as I go through your essay, I can't help but notice that there is no prompt that will guide the review, what I'm trying to say is, we as reviewers will not be able to see it this essay answers the prompt properly or if it has the right approach to the prompt tasked for you to do.

However, in an overall perspective, you have written a well managed essay, you made sure that the words you choose in your sentences are very simple, common to the reading public and more importantly, it is very easy to comprehend.

Now, I would wait for you to respond to this post and include the prompt so we can create a more comprehensive review.

Writing Feedback / Robots and machines are gradually replacing people in their works. [3]

Hi Chau, as I go through the essay, I must say there is not doubt at all that you know how to write and address the prompt that you tasked to do, however, I noticed that the idea you are trying to send across to your readers did not really do well. To elaborate this observation, please find my corrections below;

- In the 20th and 21st century, thanks to thea
- and technique,such as robots and machines
- are gradually replacing to help people on their worksreplace our manpower .
- This replacement tookbrought a lot of benifitsbenefits to peoplefor human .
- medical,... or even agriculture had
- an excellent use of this advancement.
- ItsThe effects were undinialeundeniable .

- Types ofThe type of intelligenceintelligent robots - have are helping us a lot

There you have it Chau, as you can see, there's a huge difference from the original essay to the corrected ones and I hope you follow through with the corrections.

Undergraduate / Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. [6]

Hi Chizaram, I'm not sure if this is what you were talking about earlier when you said you have another essay you need help with. Anyhow, please find a few corrections and insights below;

- And I fell predictably on the ground having only
- achieving anminor injury from the bicycle pedal.
- bicycle but I desiredwas determined to learn how to ride one.
- I will take it out for amy first ride.
- I had oO ne of my elder brothers - holding a camera and anotherthe other to teach me.

- One thing about determination is that you never give up, ( don't miss out on your punctuation marks ) irrespective of bad outcomes.
- my parents;, I did it!

There you have it Chizaram, indeed, determination to do something, disregarding the obstacles will definitely earn you the sweetest reward you can ever have.
I hope the above remarks and corrections help,Oh, one more thing, I suggest that you refrain from starting the essay with the word, "and", I suggest;

"As I fell predictably..."

Keep writing!

Essays / Help me in "Introduce two person to know each other" [3]

Hi Sean, WELCOME to the forum, I'm glad to see yet another member of this ever growing family and I hope this is just the start of a good relationship, here on EF, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to enhance your essay and be ready for submission.

Now, first things first, when you're writing, make sure you have your spell checker on, you see, your title has a typo error already and this is not good, of course you can still correct it, but what about if you have submitted it already, it will be too late.

- Help me in "Introduce two person to konw each other"

Moving on to your dialogue;

- Hi batman. This is ironman. Do you know him?this pgrase is unnecessary
-Ironman, batman is a good friend of mine.
We met atin the Groden city inabout ten years ago.
-Nice to meet you B-man.
- He`s here on a holiday. Andand he is a superhero too .
-He made a suit whichthat can make him fly.
- purpose why you need thatit .
- What`s kind of suit do you want?
-Now you have got something to talk about.

There you have it Sean, I hope you keep on writing and when you do, post it here on EF so we can review and give you our feedback.

Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Hi Chizaram, I'm glad that we are able to help, even more so, we are happy to hear that you consider us valuable towards your future writing projects. Should your project be ready for review, go ahead and post it here on EF so we can gather around and provide you your much needed feedback and corrections.

Now, as you are writing, don't forget all the suggestions that has been provided from your previous writing projects. It will also help if you read a few essays written by contributors and writers here on EF, this will not only give you an idea on what to write but will also show you how to approach different kinds of prompts that you might encounter in the future.

As mentioned, should you be ready with your essay, post it here on EF and we will be here to guide you towards the completion of your writing project.Keep writing!

Scholarship / What knowledge, skills and abilities do you hope to gain as a result of participating in this progra [3]

Hi Tebo, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website helpful and rather valuable to your writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to enhance your essay and to show you the difference it makes once it is reviewed.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

- I strongly believe that I have the aptitude to take on this role- this role as what?, as this is the beginning of your essay, you have to make sure that you mention the subject, it has not been established yet, so you have to write it down.

- and willingness I have to learn more about leadership skills . - Enrolling with the LDF Program will illuminate me and arm me
- with the tools needed to make thea difference
- Going back to whatwhere I started with,
- my goal in life is to be a source of help and
- inspiration forto others.
- My way of achieving thatthis is
- in such a prestigious programs .
- My aim is toI will use the skills of
- but lack this tool toand reach out to the rest of the world.
- I am hereby reaching out to the committee responsible
- this adventureoutstanding opportunity .
- instead,rather my country, community
- and at least the people whom I'm working with. I am sure of that.my fellowmen

There you have it Tebo, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.

Scholarship / Ideas on Scholarship essay - your plans for the future. [9]

Hi Nethiyaa, that was fast for you to be able to write such an impressive essay, however, as impressive as it is, there are a few enhancements that can be done. specially to the focus of your essay, as mentioned, your essay should have both points covered with equal strength in your essay, this means you have to make sure that you are able to write both ideas that will make your essay stand out.

Now, lets take it one paragraph at a time, the first one started in a very negative side, it's not something that you want to start your essay with, now don't get me wrong you can still enhance your essay and its in every way manageable, I believe any negative or bad experiences will only make us strong, however, this doesn't apply to this project. Next, the 2nd and 3rd paragraph can be merged in one whole and compact paragraph, the 4th paragraph can still be strengthened by focusing on the highlights of your academic journey and in laying down your future goals.

Lastly, the last paragraph can be revised with the help of a 100% forward thinking paragraph that should showcase your aspirations and the steps that you will take to achieve them. I hope the above insights are helpful to further revise your essay.

Writing Feedback / Happy partners were significantly more likely to report better health [4]

Hi Eva, I believe this is my first review of your essay and I hope my suggestions are helpful.

- Belinda Luscombe said that greater people will
- bring happiness to the one they surround
- their circumstance with and
- 2,000 married adults,married normal couples,
- in theregarding their Health and Retirement
- over the last six years and they found out that it has
- more likely to report better healthier ,
- experience less physical impairment, and to exercise
- person whyand how they could improve
- avoiding doing self-destructive things.
-And thirdlyLastly , happy partners bringmakes life easier for
- And thisThis research adjusted for gender,

There you have it Eva, I hope this revision helps you when you rewrite your summary essay.

Undergraduate / The Strong Finish: Common App Additional Information for Baylor. [3]

Hi Gabie, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that you find this website to helpful as well as useful to your writing projects, we do aim at providing you our most remarkable and valuable feedback in order to enhance your essay and strengthen your score at the end of the day.

Now, before I do give you my review, I would like to share that, Baylor University is one of the best you can have in Texas, I am no way connected to the university but I have done quiet a research back then and it is highly rated amongst its competitors, well, at the end of the day it's your choice and whatever it is that you choose, don't let it dictate your future. Your future is made as a result of the decisions you make in life and as you've mentioned in your essay, you may have had a rough start, however, it a definitely a great and strong finish.

Going back to your essay, I must say, you have written this supplement essay with your heart in it, you are very honest in stating life's struggles and c'mon, who doesn't have a struggle in this life, everybody does, in the end what matters is that, we stand up, move on and start all over again with the lessons learned fro past experiences. I hope my insights helped and I wish you the best of luck in the endeavor!

Writing Feedback / A Walk to Margaret Falls. (Due Monday) Proof Read + Editing for Descriptive Essay [5]

Hi JC, thank you for writing back and acknowledging our assistance here on EF, I hope your revision is going to be a stronger essay than your draft and hopefully the suggestions and corrections make it even more meaningful and even more joyful to read.

Now, as much as we want you to write as often as you can, it will also help if you read a lot, this will definitely benefit you in your future writing projects as this will open your eyes to the different usage of the words, not only in the sentences but more importantly to the overall impact of the essay towards answering the prompt.

Moreover, we wish you well in submitting this descriptive essay and should you need further assistance, I believe google always help, however, writing us here on EF will absolutely do you a lot of good. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / TED SUMMARY - Jim Hemerling: 5 ways to lead in an era of constant change [3]

Hi Rosa, upon reading this summary essay as well as the other essays you have written, it is of no doubt that you know how to write and you understand what is asked of you to do in your essays, however, I do agree that your sentences are full of unnecessary ideas that are enclosed and rather jammed up in a sentence with what looked to be like a trying hard sentence and this is not the way to showcase your ideas and to make it known to your readers.

Having said that, I suggest you do this practice, when you write or before you do, try to meditate or concentrate on what you want to write in a particular task, when you have this in mind, tackle the hardest part, forming the logical order of your ideas, in order for them to stand a solid ground in your essay.

Moving forward, as mentioned, I know you have all the potential to be an awesome writer, however, you need a lot of practice and stop confusing yourself with too many words in a sentence, keep your sentences simple and I assure you, it will be more meaningful this way.

Writing Feedback / There are several steps to make a forest. Firstly, by spreading the seeds into the moist soil. [3]

HI Gigih, here's another one from my end.

- Nowadays,the ( don't forget your linking verbs ) forest is not only
- used as a place for biodiversity,
- but also as the main placesource of food in this globalizations era.
- It does not matter the big or the small there are. - I believe this sentence is not necessary

-Growing the forest in our backyard of the house just need approximately 2 years.
- There are some benefits ofin growing a forest,
- for example tothey produce the natural resources for vehicle .
- The main factor is soil and how to make sure that the water absorbed into it.
- we mustshould add some to it.

- On the other hand, the soil has microorganism that
- could make the soilgive life and
- contained nutrients ,
- because the task of the microorganism

There you have it Gigih, as you can see, there's still a lot more to do and enhance your essay and I hope you follow through with the corrections.

I left the last paragraph so you can practice editing yourself.

Undergraduate / Have you ever imagine how your life would be without these most important people around you? [2]

Hi Sarah, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and rather valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback in order to enhance your essay and make it more worthy of submission. Having said that, please find my thoughts below;

- Have you ever imagine how your life would
- be isif the most influentialthat person
- wasis not in itwith you ?
- the mos influencedThis people
- in my lifeare probably
- not even aware of the things
- they've thoughttaught me.
- My stepmother is the most influential factor in creatingperson in developing the person that I am today,
- throughout my life time .
- only 3 years old, (don't forget your punctuation marks )
- the one that takewho took care of me

There you have it Sarah, overall, you have to work on your linking verbs as well as the proper form of words that you incorporate in your sentences and I suggest that you write a couple more sentences to finally close the topic as it looks and presents a half done essay.

Writing Feedback / There are four ways to become powerful when we are speaking in front of people [3]

Hi Gigih, I have a few notes for your essay but before I do, just a clarification, what do you exactly mean by;

Hii, Here is my resume?, it the word "resume" in this phrase use as a bio data or to "resume" like to continue something?

- HumanPeoples voice is the most powerful
- sound fromto shout out to the world.
- Some people had experienced that
- when they spokespeak ,
- the audience diddoes not listen to them.
- There are several senses
- of speaking into use to speak to the the world.
- Firstly , Gossiping.
- Actually after 5 minutes we talkedof talking ,
- that we wereare being judged.
- If we have a negative thinking,
- weit's also hard to be listen byto someone.
- The last is about hesitation to the difference
- Sometimes, we feel verythat its difficult to
- listen when someone talked about their opinion and fact.

There you have it Gigih, as you can see, there's still quiet a lot of work to be done in your summary essay and I hope you follow through with the suggested remarks.

Writing Feedback / The stress in not our enemy - it may become a friend [2]

Hi Rosa, right of the bat, the title of the essay is quite confusing;

Kelly McGonigal: How to maketreat stress youras a friend

- become healthier and happier in their lives,
- however she was fret,
- ifshe thought if itwhat she was trying
- to do gavemake things worse
- sides rather than the good effects .
- At the first time, she has tried to maketreat stress - becameas an enemy but
- mind becausewith the help of a study
- which discovered 30000 adults in the
- experience in the last year and
- The study shownshowed that believing
- more of a danger rather than
- you know that you are inthe stress itself .
- your bodys response towards it,

There you have it Rosa, as you can see there are still a lot of work to be done in your essay and I hope the above corrections are helpful to your revision.

A little more work on your sentence construction and linking verbs.

Scholarship / Ideas on Scholarship essay - your plans for the future. [9]

Hi Nethiyaa, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is just the start of an even more writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most credible and objective feedback in order for you to be able to revise and enhance your essay to make it better and to boost your confidence in submitting your essay.

Now, so you are aiming for one of the most sought after Chevening Scholarship and I believe, before making this decision, I assume you made loads of googling, reviewing, reading and investigating if you may, I say this because Chevening is one of those scholarships that most students and ambitious academic practitioner apply for, indeed, it's a tough one but I know that the rewards are absolutely outstanding.

So what do you write in your scholarship essay, well, I say two things that is very important;

- your academic background, journey and accomplishment
- your leadership background, achievements and goals

Once you have written this two, incorporate them to the mission and vision of the Chevening Scholarship and in the end, you should be able to showcase a parallel vision with the institution, should you be able to pull this through, you will be in good hands. Keep writing and post it here on EF so we can help you out.

Writing Feedback / Why do you think people decide to go to school? Use specific reasons and examples. [5]

Hi Rick, I would like to share a few insights for your essay.
Right of the bat, I must say that you started quiet strong in this essay, you made sure that you cover all the basis of essay writing, the introduction, the body and the conclusion, this is a very strategic writing approach.

However, the succeeding paragraphs, the 3rd and the conclusion is not as strong as it started, having said that, below are a few suggestions.

There yo have it Rick, overall, it is a well managed essay and a little revision will definitely make it better.