Writing Feedback / Learning Foreign Language. Better Soon or Later? [4]

- Learning foreign language is a common trend in this (globalized - DELETE) world. As such, some people (argue - DELETE AND USE A MUCH POSITIVE WORD, CONSIDER,"believe")

- should be given for (TO) children in their school(s - DELETE) at earliest grades to help them to be accustomed to speak and to understand international language.

- The children children have more brain power so they can learn subject quickly by immitating.(imitating)
- On the other hand, some people believe that this trend causes shock to children since they found difference between their mother tounge.(TONGUE)
- Take English for example, children may confuse to say word 'sun' as the pronounciation(PRONUNCIATION) is different from it's spelling.

- they live in (A) globalized world.

- Therefore it is imperative fo(TO) school to provide foreign language lessons in the earliest grades.

Hi Stacy, I would suggest turning the spell check on your computer before writing an article or essay so you have a guide on spelling, also mind your grammar and as always PROOF READ your work before submitting it, and yes, before I go, avoid using such negative connotation of ideas, e.g.,argue, the word can be replaced with much better word like, "I believe", this one helps send your message and the positivity of your article.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The diagram below explain the process of making wood pellets, used to heat building. [3]

- The diagram reveals (the - DELETE) information of the process about how the wood pellets made.
- At first glance, it is evident that there are seven steps to make wood pellets used (USE) to head buildings.
- Moving to a more detailed analysis from the diagrams shows that the next stages is cooking pellets to the machine, and then lost(LOOSE) dust is vacuumed off, thus resulting wood pellets.

Daniel this analysis is accurate but be mindful of your grammar, sentence construction and your step by step process on making smething that can be useful for others.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Is level of academic capability a necessary? [3]

- As such, people have same right to apply subject of study to college without (taking care??? - TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION) about academic achievement.
- Although there are pros and cons in this statement, I personally agree with this statement as it can reduce bribes for student who (has not - DELETE - DOESN'T HAVE) enough level of academic capability and also it cannot be guarantee of student favorite subject.

- Academic-ability qualification could help students to choice (CHOOSE) the best academic way for them
- As a result, people can easily improving (IMPROVE) their real skill.
- academic capability (such as- DELETE, THAT'S WHY ) bribes are often happen (HAPPENING) in many universities in Indonesia.
- student has good motivation to study because (although - DELETE) they have good skill in one subject, but they (do not enjoying- DELETE, DON'T ENJOY IT)

To sum up, degree of academic ability (does not predominant - IS NOT PREDOMINANT) for entering university as it will cause bribes and it reduce student's motivation. Therefore, I prefer (TO) agree with this case.

Irhame, be mindful of your spelling, grammar and correct use of words. Make sure that you also PROOF READ your work before submitting it.

Thank you.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Should Everybody Allowed Admission to University Without Seeing Their Level of Academic Ability ? [3]

- their level of academic (EXPERTISE) since they can develop their abilities during their college period.
- However, I would argue that university has to held(HOLD) some selection(s - DELETE) process to improve their qualities.
- they (THEIR) academic level can be increased and developed in campus life.
- For example, a stupid student can be a dilligent (DILIGENT) and a bright one as they surround by inteligent (INTELLIGENT) and clever people.
- As a result, they may get support from people arround(AROUND) them to be better than before.
- On the other hand, a selection process to accept students should be held (HOLD) in order to keep the quality of university.
- Take one example, when students are(HAVE) graduated from senior high school,
- Therefore, it is imperative for universities to held (HOLD) selection processes for new students.

Stacy, please turn on your spell check whenever you write an article as this helps a lot,sentence construction is also very crucial for you to send your message across.

PROOF READ more than once so you can be sure with your work.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Continuous development in medical care is a must to provide a better help for people [4]

- This disease condition could have affected the people of the present in the same manner as the past(; - DELETE) but knowledge on
- Moreover, the increasing longevity of people viewed as a drawback because (of - DELETE) the advancement in medicine is outright obnoxious. - - -- Research in these areas must(, - DELETE) therefore, be encouraged to benefit a lot of people.

Cldales, your analysis is far better than what I expected, GOOD JOB. Your work is very accurate, very precise and straight to the point.Next time you sure will do far better than this, remember to proof read your work before you submit it.

Cheers and keep writing!!!

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the percentage of urban/suburban and rural households in a European country [3]

- The graph illustrates the number of population who has access to the Internet of urban/(,)suburban and rural areas in a European country during five years from 1999 to 2004, and is measured in percentage.

-Noted,(NOTE) suburban areas record the highest percentage of all, and this figure shows significant percentage increases in the latter area.

Mohja, your analysis is as always good, you are very precise with your figures and very straight to the point, just make sure you proof read it before submitting.

Cheers and keep writing!!

Writing Feedback / It is apparent that the silkworm's cocoon is where the silk cloth is derived from [3]

- On the one (other) hand, the life cycle of the silkworm starts when a moth lays eggs on a mulberry leaf.
- Then, the eggs become silkworm larvae after 10 days;(,) the mulberry leaf is their source of food.
- The cycle is repeated when a moth (again - DELETE) lays eggs (AGAIN).
- (On the other hand, - DELETE, AS YOU USE THIS PHARSE IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH) (THEN,) cocoons can be harvested to produce the silk cloth.

Cldales, overall your analysis of the graph is great, just widen your vocabulary, read more and mind your sentence structure too.
Proof read your work before sending it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The process of silkworm life until it produces silk [2]

... until it produces silk and the steps (for - DELETE) resulting (TO) silk cloth.

Silk cloth (will be resulted - IS THE RESULT) from processing the cocoon.

The yarn which has been twisted is dyed with certain (SPECIFIC) colour(COLOR) directly or before being ... (All in all- FINALLY), after the yarn has colour, it is ready to ...

Adhisti, mind your sentence construction and tenses, this analysis of the process is good just PROOF READ it again before submitting it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Comparison between unemployment rates and earning according to level of education [2]

Answer: Two graphs illustrate the joblessness's (JOBLESS) percentages (PERCENTAGE) and average salaries (SALARY) according to education's level in 2008 ...

The percentage of high school diploma for nonemployees,(NONE EMPLOYEES IS ) the highest proportion, is over one ...

Finally, (graduation degree - GRADUATE DEGREE) is the highest rate of employment and ...

Irhame, overall, your analysis is accurate and straight to the point. It would be much better if you use numbers in showing graphic details and analysis so that your work will look more professional and proof read it before submitting.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / All children should a foreign language in school, starting in the earliest grades. [2]

Learning a foreign language is better to do (in the - AT AN) early age.
However, for others (THEY) think that children should study ...
... starting from their first day (of school - DELETE - TOO MUCH IN ONE SENTENCE) since they are very enlightened ...

They have ability to immitate (IMITATE) tricky sounds from their teacher. Also, learning different langauge (LANGUAGE) would enrich and enchances (ENHANCE) children's mental development. Interantional (INTERNATIONAL) studies have found that learning ...

Then, children who learn a foreign language do better on both verbal and maths(MATH) examinations than those that do not.

In spite of posstive (POSITIVE) there are some negative affect of this trend as well. (The first - FIRST) (one - DELETE) the young people may get confused ...

Despite (of - DELETE) the weakness of learning foreign languages at primary school, I personally believe the advantages outweigh (than - THE) disadvantages in many aspects. However, it is a crucial task for experts in education to find out the best mehod (METHOD) to balance the general ...

So, overall your essay is great. You just have to turn on that spell check in your computer to avoid misspelled words and be mindful of your grammar and sentence construction too. Don't forget to proof read before submitting your essay.

Writing Feedback / Young people have enough capability to consider their professions [2]

... to collect some information for(IN) considering their choice in profession ...

... they will know how far their ability for (THE) job because they can seek ...
Such (ARE) biographies of Albert Einstein, Barrack Obama and Soekarno.

However, many students (when - DELETE) collect the information by using the internet usually confuse to make a (THE) best choice for right occupation ...
... medical subject in Master degree like course of hurt (HEART) disease, lank LOUNGE) and soon.(SOON)

... take an important role for helping young generation (TO) find out their best occupation.

So, overall, your essay is done very well, you just have to be mindful of your sentence construction, grammar and turn on your spell check whenever you write an article. One more thing, PROOF READ your article before you submit your article.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Changes on The Percentage of Rural and Urban Household Who Has Internet Access [2]

The bar chart shows the percentage of (THE) city and (THE) village household in European country ...
Overall, it can be seen that the propoortion (PROPORTION) of household internet acces (ACCESS) in both areas increased ...

... by 10% for city household and by 5% for (THE) village household.

... while the proportion in rural area rose (markedly - REMARKABLY) by 15% from 2001 to 2002, the percentage of household internet acces (ACCESS) in urban household increased by approximately 12%.

Stacy, your analysis of the graph is accurate and precise just make sure you turn on your spell check on your computer before sending your analysis.

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / The Expansion of the Biodefense Field is Necessary [3]

As the world progresses scientifically and technologically so does the terrorism (within it.- DELETE) Despite the strides that ...
... which means more money, more employees(, - DELETE) and more facilities to complete the research and development (in.- DELETE) The Biodefense field is necessary ...

Travel to foreign countries is a big risk for disease so lists are made of(FOR) vaccines that ...
A cure for the most common strain of Anthrax has been found and they are continuously developing(DEVELOP) new ones to counter ...

Many labs are to be set up near towns and cities, which would allow for (A)nearly immediate relief in case of an out brake(OUTBREAK).

More regulations will also need to be put into place to protect citizens and researchers alike (from - DELETE) accidents or mistakes that could be made within the labs.

Aly, overall, your essay is good, just make sure to check your grammar, sentence construction and PROOF READ your work.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The proliferation of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world has led to serious problem [3]

The number of private cars today increases(INCREASED) significantly, and this ...
... to improve the quality of public transportation (for reducing - TO REDUCE) pollution. However, others believe that it is better to allocate money (for - ON) developing electric cars that may cause less pollution. Therefore, I personally (argue - BELIEVE) that the government should ...

To begin(WITH), evolving or producing electric ...
... because the government must invest (more much - MUCH MORE) money to produce electric cars.
... since electric cars is not (A) guarantee to protect pollution. This is (as- DELETE) the cause of the pollution (is- IT'S) not because of types of ...

However, it is important for the government to spend a significant amount (OF) budget for improving ...
... there is no doubt for people to use public transportation as much as safe.(SAFETY)

Daniel, overall, your essay is great and you were able to send your message across. Don't forget to balance your statement and also make sure to proof read your work before sending it out.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / First stage is to gather bottles in the recycling center. The process of recycling plastic bottles [3]

With regard to the process of recycling plastic bottles for new uses, the first stage is (THE ) collection of plastic bottles in recycling center. Next, the plastic bottles are separated from other types of containers such as glass and metal, these are sorted by color and are pressed into bales (around 7,000 bottles per bale) in the next following steps before the plastic bottles are picked up by transportation to place where the reclaimer process is.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the diagram reveals that in the last step there are some differences in recycling sort of plastic bottles. Firstly,(FIRST) diversity of bales are broken apart by a bale breaker and plastic is shredded onto flakes whereas(WHERE) it is washed, rinsed and dried for flakes. In addition, some of flakes are melted and put through extruder while pellets are formed before the pellets are ready to be sold to manufactures to be used to make fiber(s - DELETE) carpets and clothing, nonfood containers and other products.

Iqbal, the analysis is not that thorough, you can still analyze the diagram and elaborate further,mind your grammar and tenses too and make sure to PROOF READ your work before submission.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / supporting statement : Australia Award Scholarship [2]

How did you choose your proposed course and institution? (max 400 words)

Working for the house of Regional Representative Council as a special staff has encouraged myself me to pursue my degree in the fields of governance and public policy. This is because a higher qualification is urgently required in the institution in which I work for. I utterly believe that by taking a master degree can help me to perfect my career in a governmental institution and engage myself in policy making (more frequently inasmuch as my status will be an expert staff - REPHRASE when I get master degree.)

Moreover, as a part time lecturer who teaches comparison of foreign policy, public policy analysis and globalization at Universitas Nasional Jakarta, I firmly believe that I need to continue my study to a post-graduate program so as to support my career (as an academicianin the academy ) For this reason, I have decided that (I intend for taking- I WILL TAKE MY) master degree in the field of governance and public policy. The studies apply a social science perspective to questions of policy and management in modern organizations especially when it comes to Indonesian conditionculture . Therefore, I will acquire a solid grounding in policy analysis to support myself as a practitioner and academician in governmental issues

Furthermore, I have chosen UNSW because it is one of the most prestigious universities in Australia and ranked as 50 top universities in the world. Likewise, International networking and the best rating in research and teaching environment have also been considered by me(YOU DON'T CONSIDER THE UNIVERSITY MASTER DEGREE, YOU APPLY FOR IT AND THEY CHOOSE YOU) why I love the university to pursue my degree. The university is also a founding member of the prestigious Group of Eight (Go8). The second is Murdoch University which is located in the economically booming state of Western Australia. The university has a good reputation globally and it is provedproven by online discussions and online assignments that Murdoch University has. Hence, I firmly believe that the university will help me to gaining knowledge which I need. Both of the universities also have specific subject course modules which are perfectly suitable for Indonesian condition in this day and age such as Democracy in the 21st Century, International security and Strategy, and Economic of Globalization.

The aforementionedREPHRASEThe above mentioned shows that my career and the quality of educational institutions have been considered by myself to study for master degree in the field of public policy and governance in Australia. The modules which are thought at the university are my deep contemplation of choosing the institutions as well.

Fadlan, your answer to this essay can get better if you mind the following;
- sentence construction
- grammar
- spell check
Please make sure that you turn on your spell check in the computer whenever you write an essay it is such a big help.
Finally, PROOF READ your work before submission.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The Method of Recycling Plastic Bottles for New Uses [3]

To begin, there are two main processes in recycling plastic bottles, (the- DELETE) first process takes ...
Firstly,(FIRST) the collected plastic bottles are ...
Next, the plastic bottles are pressed into bales, whichwhere one bale contains ...

... by a bale breaker that causes the plastic to shredded into flakes.
This extruder process produces pellets which are to be sold to manufacturers to be use(d - DELETE) to make fibers for carpets and ...

Stacy, again this analysis has been a great and accurate one, just make sure to proof read it, grammar check it too.

Book Reports / "Two Women" - Character analysis from "The Story of an Hour" by Kate Chopin [2]

Overall your analysis of the story is great, just make sure you proof read your work before submission and a few tips from me;
- punctuation marks - such as (;.,/?),these details makes a lot of difference in writing as it cuts the sentence to your thoughts and the message you want to send to your readers.

- in analysis writing, make sure that you make it step by step, conclude your writing with your personal opinion about how the story should end or

your opinion of the story in general perspective.

Keep on writing!!!

Writing Feedback / The processing steps of recycled bottles of plastics [3]

-Ten plastics which are (got- DELETE FOR GRAMMAR CORRECTION) from bale breaker are shredded into flakes.
- Then, they are melted and put through (ext-ruder.- ??? - MOST OF YOUR READERS WILL NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS REFERS TO, I SUGGEST THAT YOU DONT ABBREVIATE THE WORDS)

Irhame, overall, your process of showing the recycling of bottles into pellets. just make sure that you create a flow and a step by step process in doing so, this will keep your readers correctly follow and understand the process,also make sure that you stick to factual details and proof read your work before submission.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Number of private cars increased and its effects [6]

- To solve this problem, we must track from its root. - WE MUST TRACK ITS ROOTS
- easiness of owning private cars also influences the amount of it. - THE PROCESS OF GETTING A CAR ALSO ADDS TO THE INCREASE OF NUMBER IN OWNING A CAR.

- The presence of credit card or other credit product, the low annual tax for owning private, and low cost related to it like fuel cost, toll cost and parking cost makes everybody won't hesitate their decision to have their own private cars. - THE CREDIT OPTIONS, LOW ANNUAL TAX,FUEL COST AND PARKING FEES ATTRIBUTES TO THE DECISION OF PEOPLE IN PURCHASING A CAR.

- LAST PARAGRAPH; TO FIND THE SOLUTION TO THIS ISSUE, I SUGGEST TWO APPROACH THAT CAN DECREASE OR MANAGE THE SITUATION, FIRST, THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD BE ASSERTIVE TO FUEL COST, THEY SHOULD REGULATE FUEL CONSUMPTION AND MAKE MORE ROOM FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION DEVELOPMENT ACROSS THE NATION.THE SECOND APPROACH IS CHANGING OUR POINT OF VIEW IN PURCHASING CARS AND USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT INSTEAD, TAKE A BIKE IF YOUR TRAVELING NEARBY AND ONLY TAKE YOUR CAR FOR LONG HAUL TRIPS.IN THE END THIS WILL RESULT TO LESS POLLUTION, SAFER AIR TO BREATHE AND BETTER ENVIRONMENT TO LIVE IN.

Kiki, your essay obviously needs a little more polish but its ok, more practice and you will make a good article, now make sure that you take note of the following;

- grammar
- word choice, if the word sounds good that doesn't mean that its the right word to complete your sentence.Make sure that you read more to enhance your vocabulary.

- the logical approach of your article or essay, there should be a good flow of the story,this way your readers will get the message of your essay

- PROOF READ, this is the best way to double check your essay and make sure that you can get the message across to your readers.

Keep writing..

Cheers!!!

Graduate / Only this school offers the course of forensic accounting related to financial fraud and governance [4]

- the main reason is because lack of knowledge of how to develop - REPHRASE - LACK OF KNOWLEDGE IS THE MAIN REASON TO DEVELOP...
- assess risk of material misstatement of the financial statement - USE OF WORDS "STATEMENT AND MISSTATEMENT", WIDEN YOUR VOCABULARY AND REPHRASE THIS TO- IS TO ASSESS MISREPRESENTATION OF FINANCIAL STATEMENT...

- to discover invisible fraud that the management's intentionally hide, but because of limited audit procedures and timeline, I cannot prepares effective audit procedure to cover such financial fraud. - REPHRASE AS "FRAUD" IN ITSELF IS A HIDDEN CRIME UNLESS SOMEONE INVESTIGATES IT OR DISCOVER IT; "TO DISCOVER MANAGEMENT FRAUD AND BECAUSE OF LIMITED TIME, I'M NOT ABLE TO PROCESS AN EFFECTIVE AUDIT.."

- the high level financial fraud are occurred in government sector, MIND YOUR VERB TENSES, REPHRASE TO;" THE HIGH LEVEL OF FINACIAL FRAUD OCCURS IN..."

- need to have comprehensive knowledge that I am lack of - GRAMMAR HERE NEEDS A LOT OF WORK, " NEED TO HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE..", DON'T AND NEVER HIGHLIGHT YOUR WEAKNESS OR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE, USE POSITIVE APPROACH SUCH AS, "I WOULD LIKE TO ENHANCE, ADD KNOWLEDGE, WIDEN MY PREFERENCES IN THE AUDIT AND FINANCIAL WORLD.

Naga, re-write your essay and we will look into it again, for now work on the corrections I mention above.

Thank you.

Scholarship / PG Scholarship essay highlighting my achievements and potential - Pl. review [4]

- tried and tried, this is an obsolete way to emphasize your idea or your message so keep it simple, express once and it should be fine

- was,is,are, this are your linking verbs that should be used properly, making your sentence logical, if its an on going action, use is, like your sentence

'I also understood that the key to be approachable was(IS) to be clear'...
-spell check, please turn it on whenever you're writing, it helps a lot; "I learnt (LEARNED)",there's nothing more embarrassing than a misspelled word that can let you down.

- main and aim has the same meaning so make up your mind to which word to use
- rephrase this paragraph;
'Hence, I consider that my ability to plan, work INDEPENDENTLY (and- DELETE) OR study(, independently and- DELETE) in groups, in order to use the relevant resources in a manner that reflects a high standard practice and dealing with complex issues in a systematic and creative way, are some of my greatest strengths.

Nk, your essay is good, just a little polish needed, also keep in mind that in writing an essay for an application on a scholarship grant, you have to highlight not only your strength but also how you can contribute to the institution as much as they can contribute to your success in the future.At the end of the day it should be a give and take process, that way there's a balance.Re-write this essay and post it back but before you do, PROOF READ it so you know where else you need to enhance your work.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items [3]

Daniel,
I suggest rephrasing your first sentence to;
"The table below illustrates the percentage...", this is because the information was given on the table, you just have to analyze it.
2nd sentence; again, you are analyzing a table so go direct to the information given;
"Turkey has the highest percentage for 2 categories..."
And to take note is to say, "Note" and not "Noted", remember its an on going action, you want your readers to focus on the information your giving about Sweden.

2nd paragraph, the first phrase can be deleted as you already began discussing the table in the 1st paragraph. "The percentage.."
Finally, on your last paragraph, even though you talk about Sweden's information many times in the analysis that doesn't mean that it should use plural as to ,"percentages", it still stay singular as you are talking about one subject, Sweden, so keep it singular,"percentage", and your last sentence, "Spain had few higher???, there should be another link to your subject, " Spain had a few higher remarks than Sweden..."

So, there you have it, a few help from me, make sure that you PROOF READ your analysis, mind your grammar, your linking verbs and make sure that you continue to read as it enhances your vocabulary too.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The information on post-graduate qualifications in Australia by different gender in 1999 [4]

- Generally speaking, (there were - DELETE) over 50% males (MALE) with the highest degree(s- DELETE) or diploma(s- DELETE) and (paradoxically -???)held the lowest level(s-DELETE) of qualifications. Female(s - DELETE) were almost constituted of the middle levels on educations.

> In general, over 50% male has the highest degree or diploma but with the lowest qualification over female. Female given mid-level education acquire greater experience thus increasing their qualification.

Miyako, with my corrections above, your first paragraph needs rephrasing, rest assured that your doing fine with your analysis just make sure to mind the following;

- tenses, if your subject is singular or a number, use singular form of the verb too.
- grammar
- Proof read your work before submission.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Characteristic and experience influence on a person life [2]

Rephrasing your 1st paragraph;

Every person has their own character since birth, this character is what influence their personality as they grow and interact with the environment. It also influence ones development, factors that contribute and hone a person into what they will become in the future.

Ainun, this paragraph that I infuse in your essay can actually explain the entire essay already, but the key is to elaborate and expand your thoughts into writing so enhance your vocabulary and read more, understand what the essay is asking for and work on it.

Furthermore, PROOF READ your essay before submission.

Cheers!!!

Graduate / Showing my strong interest for the Master of Arts in the International Marketing Management - Berlin [4]

Alfk,

I suggest that you rephrase your paragraph to;

I graduated with a degree in Engineering major in Radiophysics and Electronics in 1999 but my interest is in Business administration.
I have worked in different companies and acquired skills in dealing with clients and trading as a manager since 2000 to 2006 till i decided to start my own company.

I have a strong interest in studying International business and management, the fact that its in English that will enhance my Language skills it will also allow me to interact with students from all over the world. This is the perfect chance to get acquainted with other people, their culture and their tradition. What makes this more exciting is being in Berlin, a bustling city in Germany with the most modern technology alongside beautiful cities in Europe with highest standard of living.

You still have to work on your essay, re-write it following the input from my side and pst it again here, just make sure that you mind your grammar, there should also be a logic to your essay, the following questions should guide you in making your letter a good one;

- what is your purpose in taking an International degree
- what are your capabilities that will be helpful in achieving your goal
- what do you need to achieve this goal
- what will you contribute to the institution to make your stay worthwhile
- what do you think is the best lesson you can learn aside from the ones you need for your job

Hope to see your next letter.

Cheers!!!

Graduate / Showing my strong interest for the Master of Arts in the International Marketing Management - Berlin [4]

A higher education would mean a great addition to my credentials and acquiring it in Germany is the cherry on top.This will be a whole lot of experience that I will be a lifelong treasure for me.

Berlin school of Economics and Law is one of the best business school in Germany(, - delete) (and it has also an international teaching staff with very renewed teachers.- rephrase to) with renowned staff. I think that the Master of Arts in the International Marketing Management at the Berlin school of Economics and Law will give me the opportunity (to be a full international person, and possible for my future- delete) to have an international career.

I am looking forward to be a part of this prestigious program.
*******************************************************************************************
Alfk, thanks for re-writing your letter, one thing that I notice though, you keep going back to your point of pleading for your spot in the school, I understand that you're eager to be part of the program but you already made your point in the beginning of your letter so you can move on to giving them the benefit of the doubt that being one of their students would earn as much knowledge and experience as you do for the institute.

I have a few input for the last 3 paragraphs. Good Luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Universities concept about gender equality among their students. [4]

- Nowadays there are universities in Vietnam (do not - DOES NOT) arrange..
- LAST PARAGRAPH; IN CONCLUSION, GENDER EQUALITY IN THE UNIVERSITY SHOULD BE CONSIDERED IN ORDER TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY AMONGST STUDENTS AND BRING MUCH MORE PRIDE TO THE INSTITUTION.

So, your analysis is quiet short, precise and good, just mind the following;
- sentence construction
- logic in your explanation, you seem to go back and forth with your sentences, what I mean by logic is, you follow the What,where and how. What are we talking about, where is this analysis taking place and how does this affect the subject we are referring to.

Before submission, make sure you PROOF READ your work.

Keep writing and reading too.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Essay on why the development of nuclear power should be halted" [3]

Rybar,

I have a few points below that you might want to consider;

First paragraph; Over the years, various kinds of energy producing products has evolved. People come up with ideas of creating energy from resources such as water, wind and other natural resources resulting to rapid development of nuclear power. This has...

Last paragraph; Overall, the focus should be on radioactive waste. Safety comes first and there should be a strict rule on this that will not only be on papers but should be practiced religiously in the factory. The fact that radioactive waste is a waste in itself, this is also a product of the energy we produce in the plants or factory. Nevertheless, power plants and energy producing factories are great, they just have to take environmental safety as serious as their business.

***********************************************
Rybar, I completely rephrased your first and last paragraph as it seem very contradicting to what your point is and its not doing well with the goal of the essay, take note of having a logic in constructing your essay, make sure that you tackle the points one at a time so you don't contradict your statement or leave your readers asking what were you trying to figure out.

Proof read your essay before submission.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Before an exam, do you think it is better to prepare for a long time or only for a few days? [3]

Firstly FIRST, a long preparation..
- To revise REVIEW for the exam extensively, candidates need to go through a lengthy process by reviewing lessons, reading books, doing exercises. The more types of exercises or questions they practise PRACTICE, the higher chances they might encounter, as well as doing them well in the exam., the higher is their chances to ace the exam.

- Secondly Second, the exam formats are often organized to test a wide range of candidates('-delete punctuation mark) abilities. Beside the knowledge, they require the candidates to have good skills to do well in the exam. These skills can not cannot be developed only for a few days.

Tom, overall your essay is good, just make sure that you mind your sentence construction,I made a few correction, there should be an idea behind your essay that reaches the goal of the readers too. Proof read your essay before submission, it helps a lot as you will understand your essay far more than a writer but as a reader.

Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Natural Monopoly and Its Provision [3]

- Is private enterprise more efficient than state-owned enterprise? The state of the economy in Thailand says so. Even if Thai economy is absolutely far from the ones like the US, adopting or reforming the monopoly style economy needs re-structure, political interests, expertise, business processes and a whole lot of commitment not only from the business owners but also from the government. Its a hand in hand process. The government should also come up with a fair, just and entrepreneur - friendly laws and provisions that will work with businesses in gaining profit as well as giving back to the community.

Pann, I did revise your first paragraph, I made sure that all your ideas are put together. In continuing your essay, I suggest you rewrite it as you seem to go around the idea and theres a bit of contradicting thoughts as well as the logic is not there anymore, you keep going back to your first paragraph. By the way, this might help, keep your paragraph with structure by answering the following;

- what are we talking about
- what is the goal of the essay
- how do we reach the goal
- conclude your essay with your opinion in an objective but factual manner.

Proof read my dear.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Analise the three of the following as media for communicating information [4]

- there is, is use when referring to a group of subject;
≥ This is due to the fact that there are is now a variety...
- to conclude an idea, disregard the thought that came with it and complete the sentence with your full conclusion;
≥ as more of an inconvenience and thus, books become less appealing to people.

Cldales, overall, the essay was written well. An improvement from the previous ones, I just have a few inputs that you might want to consider as I did above. make sure that you proof read it one last time before submission.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph of 140 words about the sport you like most [3]

- At the present, I usually play football with my friends at on weekends.

Tang, reading through your essay, it's good. Brief, precise and straight to the point. I suggest that you add more to it though, expand your thoughts, be creative, enhance your vocabulary and write more. I'd also want to add, you might find reading an enjoyable hobby too, I know sports is the first choice of hobby for boys but reading from time to time will not only enhance your vocabulary, it will also widen your imagination and take you to places where your mind doesn't have any limit.

Write often and read more.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Details of the elecricity production on the basis of given diagrams [2]

- Overall, what stands out from the diagrams reveals that for in producing electricity, all elements of a wind turbine must be totally operated.
- In stark contrast to this On the contrary, the ideal location determines the quantity of energy.
- With regard to the process of electricity produced, the way of a wind turbine operating operate is when...
- Then (delete as you said "finally", this already brings the end of the process), finally the generator is able to produce 1.5 megawatts.
- On the other hand, less electricity will be resulted produced when..
-Likewise, if the tower is placed at located in a domestic area,...

Siddi, your analysis is absolutely good, its precise, well constructed and facts are clearly stated. I would like to suggest though that you have to proof read your work before submission, mind your word usage and read more to enhance your vocabulary.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Scholarship and studying at a UK Higher Education Institution [4]

- where many resideresidents are unaware of their rights to quality education which
- The concept ,however,is yet to take a strong hold in my native land in Kerala,
- The incident taught me the importance of shoulderingtakingand seeing through delegated responsibilities,
- for any place without technology and is a place without hopes for advancement and development.
- but without equippingthemhaving them equipped with the necessary knowledge of managing business projects.
- It is a daunting and fledglingfledgeling task,

Well, Confusee123, the reasons you provided for your scholarship application is quiet confusing, you seem to go around the topic more as suppose to going with the flow and create a substantial reason to back up your application. I suggest rewriting your application considering the logic and the goal towards winning the scholarship.

This guidelines should help you with the flow of your essay;

- the reasons for this application.
- your financial situation would be helpful
- achievements that you are proud of
- how you expect your studies to influence you professionally and as a person
- reason behind studying at a UK Institution and the benefit of your experience to your community

Cheers!!!

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hi Mk,

Welcome to EF, it is indeed interesting to be a part of EF. You are in the right place in enhancing your language and writing skills.

We ask you to write more and read more as well, this enhances your vocabulary and opens your world to a lot of possibilities.
When you write, think about your readers, what do you want them to know, the purpose of your essay, stay with facts and keep
researching too.

Once you have an idea of what to write, make a draft, proof read it and make sure that you turn your spell check on.

We expect you to write soon Mk.

Cheers!!

Research Papers / ROTC and Security Awareness Research - Need critique for the conceptual framework [6]

Rja,

As your concept of the ROTC preparedness framework is argumentative, I think you made your point.
The thing is, your theory relies on one philosopher, I think it would be great if you add a few more facts
into the research. As far as the essay flow, it is great and theres not much to correct, just take note of the following;
- use of words, make sure that the words you use are simple and straight to the point, that your readers will understand
- sentence construction, keep your sentence well constructed and understandable
- Proof read your essay before submission

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / ROTC and Security Awareness Research - Need critique for the conceptual framework [6]

a) National Security Awareness is in itself important in a Democratic Society
Simply put, security awareness is in itself is important, since public support, participation, and scrutiny sustains their government's defense posture. More so, it is their responsibility to do so to check on their the government.

c)Thus, ROTC training should equally focus on both theorytopics and military training. Among theseThis is essential theoretical topics arefor security and civic awareness.

Writing Feedback / Global warming is the serious problem in the world : IELTS Task 2 [4]

- In these recent decades, the most dangerdangerous threat...
- While there are some causes of this problem which indicate to ourthat are visible in carbon footprints
- In conclusion, global warming has become more serious than ever, theres no prevention method to be use anymore in order to reduce the effect of global warming. Change is never too late though, as an individual, we can start changing our daily routine and encourage others to pay attention and start taking care of the environment. .

Writing Feedback / 'strike while the iron is hot' - Topic: "Is spanking a good way to discipline children?" [3]

- "strike while the iron is hot', this quote means when the opportunity opens, go grab it, personally I don't think this has something to do with the topic on hand.

Paragraph rephrased;

Teaching children the importance of obedience is one lesson that is quite hard to fulfill. In the long run, this leaves parents with not much choice but spanking the children. It's not only the best choice, its also a traditional way of teaching the kids to be obedient. Now, what about the cause of this practice to our children's lives?

Nvn, your essay needs a lot of work. I did rephrase the first few sentences. I suggest that you rewrite it and post it back.

Take note of the following;
- use of punctuation, your semi colon (;) should not be used to replace comma (,), when you have a few things to explain in a sentence, you can use commas.

- train of thought and ideas, make sure that you have a flow in your essay and paragraph it so your readers can breath thought it, also keep your paragraph in a logical order.

- conclude your essay with the answer to your question in the beginning of the essay, like this one below;

In a word, one of the best way to teach children is not the spanking. Although it has its power, it is not the suitable method in long time. The parent, who should think carefully answer the two question: How to teach the children and whom they will become.

Rephrased;

So, is spanking the best way to discipline children? Personally, I'd rather not, I believe in talking it out and know why they did it, what really happened and how will they avoid it from happening in the future. The most important thing is for the children to respect you not only as their parent but also as a person that they can count on whenever they need to.

Hope this helped and we look forward to the next post.

Keep writing