Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

Hi Shohruh, I have read your essay closely. There are a few parts which I will try finalizing. Hopefully, you can find my notes to be suggestions when you write in the next term.

Firstly, I wanna remind you that you should write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph. It can be a point of an indicator "coherence and cohesion". One of the ways to get the higher score is impressing the examiner in the first paragraph. Actually, you can simple your first paragraph and make your flow more smoother.


It is (Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing) true that men are clearly better than women in some of particular fieldworks. On the other hand, we should admit that females seem to be a lot more talented than males for other areas.


Pay attention to meaning. Please, you reread your sentences to ensure that what you write is what mind.
....a reason to assign several parts of jobs for the specific genre.


difference for the proportion of male.... Please, concentrate on the meaning.



Avoid writing contractions in the essay.


You tended to explain effects of clustering the jobs. Your score will be reduced if you do not follow the prompts given because those ask you to review your reason why the statement is wrong in your mind.

Hopefully, these can enhance your skill.
Practice more and more is the key to master this section
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The process of producing cement and making concrete which is raw material from cement for building [4]

Hi Anabel, I have read this closely. I have found a few things which you correct.
Firstly, I have read your overview. It doesn't matter if you wanna the overview in the last paragraph because there is not a rule about that. However, as we know that the overview is one of crucial points, I suggest you place it in the first paragraph after outcomes of paraphrasing the question/statement. Keep in your mind that you will fight the time if you should play safely. Besides that, your first paragraph has not described the good paragraph. You have to remember that you are supposed to write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph.

cement production is passing limestone and clay through

I suggest you deliver proper word to explain what you mind. I think you should write "limestone and clay are blended in a crusher". If you fail in picking the proper words, you will miss getting the high score in both indicators (lexical resource and coherence and cohesion). Actually, there were a few words which can not illustrate what you mind well. Following this, please you avoid repetition. It can reduce your score as well.

You need making its flow smoother. Harnessing the transition word is the good way to guide readers to understanding your writing. I believe you can master this matter on condition that you wanna need more time for reading examples of writing task 1.

Practice more and more is its key.
GOOD LUCK

Essays / You are to start a new job next week but you will not be able to because you have some problems: [6]

Hi Ahmad, I know that this is the first time you harness this medium. Honestly, you cannot get feedback useful when you did not display your draft about what you achieve or write. Please, you try writing the letter and then upload this website. I really believe others are gonna offer your suggestions.

Turning to the letter, you have to remember that you should introduce yourself well in the beginning sentences. That is the important element in this section. Following this, you don't forget to pay attention to prompts having to include in your letter. Actually, those can be grouped in the distinct paragraph. I mean that you explain your situation in the paragraph and the other matters you display in different paragraphs.

If you wanna make readers can read your writing well, you deliver linking words appropriately. Those can help to guide readers from a topic to another topic. The first step for understanding this format is reading examples of letter more.

I think this which can be given for this moment. Hopefully, you can upload your writing as soon as possible.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / PTE essay: Is it foolish to get married before completing studies [7]

Hi Etha, I am gonna try checking your writing for finalizing. This moment I only concentrate on your content because you have been free of major errors grammatically.

for example take responsibility, get closer and so on.

Avoid using the word "so on". It's better if you include two examples because only those you would explain the body paragraph. That is the thesis statement which you have to review in the body paragraph. It will seem redundant words on condition that those are included there. Following this, you should afford distinguishing between a conjunction and transition word.

But I disagree with that,

However, I disagree....
It is able to your score because that will broke your flow. As far as we know, readers can understand well your writing when your flow is good. The flow can lead the readers to get the points your writing. You can find this sense quickly while you frequently read examples of writing.

Turning to your conclusion, you presented the new topic. I only remind you that the conclusion is extracted from the thesis statement. To create the conclusion, you only paraphrase your thesis statement by using your own. I said that as you display the effect on the society. Well, you mentioned influence for the society, but it was not strong. You have needed the supporting sentence to strengthen your opinion. When you make listing the opinion without its explanation, it seems as layman's opinion.

Hopefully, these can improve your writing and become considerations for your step to write.
Happy writing, good luck

Undergraduate / "One Last Chance"- Transfer essay for MIT [3]

Hi Abdoelmoniem, I have read your writing. I am gonna review based on your content.

Actually, your writing is good because readers can get points what you mind quickly. You could present a logical flow good in this writing. However, I don't know why you tended to explain about negative conditions in your recent university. The university of your destination will think that you vilify over about your current university. I suggest you concern on your passion.

In the first paragraph, you are supposed to display your passion which you improve. After that, you explain you have not found in the recent university. On the other hand, you have searched an information about your destined university and you have found concentration suitable for you. The university will be more appreciated your writing because your mind is always in the positive condition.

In my point of view, your writing is free of major errors grammatically. You only need changing your perspective about what you include in your transfer essay. Hopefully, these can help you for finalizing this.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Task 1.The diagram shows how raw materials are used to make plastic products. Summarise the diagram. [3]

Hi Minh, welcome to Essay Forum which is one of the best sites for improving your ability. I know this is a first time you join here. When you upload your writing, please you attach your picture as well because it can help readers to understand yours. I have searched your diagram, but I have not found so that I cannot give feedback more.

Firstly, you need improvement for your systematical writing. In the first paragraph, it is supposed to contain a paraphrase of question and overview. As we have seen, you directly explained detailed information. Indeed, you have the overview, but you place it in the last paragraph. It doesn't matter, but you have to remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Besides that, you are expected to fight the time because you only have time for 20 minutes for finishing this. To play safely. you should locate the overview in the first paragraph.

Following that, you need making improvement in your flow. Harnessing proper linking words is the good way to make your flow smoother. I really believe you can master this section on condition that you wanna practice more and more

Happy writing
GOOD LUCK

Letters / Writing a pitch for discover magazine - would it be accepted by an editor? [8]

Hi Columbia, these are a few of my thoughts for finalizing your letter.


These unfortunate incidents are reminders of the future events which possibly happen.


After reading Discover for years, I really believe this is a right time to contribute.....


I also have had a link to.......


Besides that, my article is devoid of....
(I suggest you harness proper linking words for making your flow better. It can help readers for getting your logical flow)

All these are factors and questions are (you should omit this word) incorporated in my article


similar magazines.
Note: I think you should reread your writing before you upload to make sure what you write is what you mind.
Hopefully, you can achieve your target. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / A serious effort is the most important factor for a journey toward success [8]

Hello Jan Hsu, these are my thoughts about your writing. I hope you can review my notes for finalizing your writing.

In the first paragraph, I have found a large number of redundant sentences. Focus on your prompts and avoid including statements which you are not able to explain in the first paragraph. Like this

I have to admit that luck is an important factor for the success of the successful man or celebrities

Besides that, don't place the idiom in the formal writing. Unfortunately, your idiom was hardly linked to your statement. Following this, I have not found your position clearly in that matter. You have missed the crucial point in the indicator. Please, you create a thesis statement obviously in the next term.

Honestly, when I have read your body paragraph, I have not found answers entirely from the prompts given. After that, you stand out in the vague position in the conclusion. The question asks you to decide your opinion whether you agree or disagree with the statement. However, you have tended to explain which is more advantageous or more affected.

I believe you can master this if you wanna practice more. I suggest for the first step that you read many examples for recognizing the flow in the writing.

GOOD LUCK

Graduate / Like potato chips - you can never have just one. SCAD Graduate Admissions Essay for Animation [4]

Hi Colinda, I have read your personal statement closely. I am very keen on reading this because you have felt free to tell your history. Your passion seems in this writing. Readers will know you have huge admire in this concentration. However, you need to tell more about your work experience. The job what you had conducted in a company is the strong statement which will get belief of the university. It does not matter if that is light work because the university wants to know how handle the work.

If you have rewards of some competitions, you should be included in your writing. I really believe that can impress the university. After that, you are supposed to sharpen where you wanna applicate your competence after finishing the study. It's better if you can mention a name of company where it needs your ability.

Hopefully, these can help you
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. Causes and proposed solutions. [3]

Hello Yully, welcome to the medium for improving your writing.
In my view, you have need learning the way for constructing the good writing in IELTS Test. Your structure couldn't present your idea well and entirely. In the first paragraph, you should create paraphrase of a statement given. Following that, you stand out in the opinion. It used to be called as the thesis statement. Besides that, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to consist of at least three sentences. Therefore, you can give description briefly about causes of the matter in a paragraph, and another paragraph contains its solutions.

Turning to your body paragraph, you have missed the prompt. You are supposed to explain people feel unsafe out the home. However, you have review widely. It is more likely to elucidate a reason why some people commit the crime. Be careful of wide explanation. That can make your synthesis out the topic. In addition, please you avoid writing paragraph too long. I have seen one of your body paragraphs so heavy.

If it comes up about the causes and solutions, you have to remember that the solutions which you give should relate to the causes. When you mention two causes, you should present at least two answers. I really believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna analyse examples of writing task 1. As many as you read, you can get its points quickly.

Happy writing, good luck

Writing Feedback / Reading has become less significant to Americans. [7]

Hi Kaur, I have read your writing closely. I will offer a few correction for finalizing your writing.

When you wanna start the writing, you should give an introduction at the beginning paragraph. There you directly show position in that matter. To make it more structural, you can paraphrase the statement given. After that, you include your position clearly between 2 views.

Turning to your body paragraph, you explained widely although the prompt asks you to review why you agree or disagree about the opinion states that reading has become less significant for American people. This sentences below you said that readers tend to read through the kind od smartphone.

People prefer reading on kindle, i pad, phone or laptops rather than reading books and newspapers

Besides that, your flow is not good. When you want to move another topic, you immediately move without a linking word so that readers can be confused about your logic flow. Following this, you pay attention to spelling because there are a few misspelling. That matter can also reduce your score.

he doesn't have enough

they don't get time to read

now losing it's importance

Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing.

I have found some statement repetitive. Your idea in the second paragraph is repeated in the next paragraph. You might use the different word to describe, but readers can know that both of that ideas are the same meaning. I really believe you can explore your idea deeply about this view. Following that, it is better you marge your the second and third paragraph to simple your review. Readers can also become bored if your writing is so long, but you explain the opinion repetitively.On the other hand, to finalize your writing, you are supposed to write a conclusion telling again about your perspective. That can strengthen your previous explanations.

The key to master this skill is practicing more and more
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create? [3]

Hi Sinchana, welcome to Essay Forum. I will try offering a few corrections for finalizing your writing.

In your introduction, I think you can better paraphrase a statement given. If readers see briefly, it can seem almost same. I wanna give the example.

Nowadays, increasing population brings distance widely between statuses of low and high economics.
For the next sentence, you presented your opinion clearly. I don't mean that you had to explain detailed because it is a contain of the body paragraph. However, you should show underline of what you give in the body paragraph.

Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found relation logically between your statement "


and its reason. Honestly, I am really puzzled for understanding that flow.



Keep in your mind for avoiding contractions in the formal writing.

In my mind, the prompt asks you for reviewing the gap generally, not to compare undeveloped and developed countries. As we know, each undeveloped country has the poor and rich family so that it is less relevant for taking that object. On the other hand, your alternative solution has focused on the undeveloped country. I only remind you that when you want to present the solution, it is based on the problem which you review in the previous statement.

Hopefully, these can help you for improving your ability.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Today's kids ailments same like among adults. The example - obesity. [12]

Hi Sara, welcome to Essay Forum. I am pleased to tell you that you have been a right medium for correcting your writing. I have read yours closely and found things which you should improve.

Firstly, you have paraphrased the statement successfully. Even you have shown problems of that matter. However, you should include the solution what you will review in the body paragraph. You don't need for displaying detailed because those are parts of the body paragraph.

Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found the explanation of the new lifestyle which you presented in the thesis statement. On the contrary, you have reviewed the new reason "Lack of physical exercise". It is not out the topic, but that is not parallel between what you mentioned in the thesis and body paragraph.

On the other hand, you have shown the solution in the second body paragraph, but it not relevant to the cause in the previous paragraph. You said that the parents do not have time for cooking. I think you can offer the solution that the parents should request the healthy food in food store for serving every morning so that children can bring a packed meal from home.

They have some diseases that people in the past suffered in the old age.

Perhaps, you can remove the above sentence. It is redundant because that is unimportant in the conclusion. You have to remember that the conclusion is got for paraphrasing the thesis statement.

I really believe you can master this section on condition that you need more time for practicing more and more.
Happy writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Essay - healthy lifestyle of individuals. Discuss both sides and give opinion [4]

Hi Sichana, I have read your writing closely. You need improvement, especially your content. In the introductory paragraph, you have explained the different topic. I think you have to analyze the statement give so that you are able to know prompts relating to the topic. As we see, the topic is problems about the healthy lifestyle, but you have pursued to the healthy food. An examiner will score lower because you missed the task responses.

Turning to the first body paragraph, you reviewed the topic why the healthy is essential for each person although your job is to explain why people have a responsibility for keeping their healthy lifestyle. Honestly, you elucidated the topic widely, but you can tackle the prompt. Be careful of out the topic. I think you need accustoming for making brainstorming so that you can have a guide to help you make the flow. It is important because your score will be reduced. Keep in your mind that the task response is the primary response in the writing task 2.

On the other hand, you have been out the topic in the next paragraph. You tended to offer the solution for that circumstance. You can show the solution in the conclusion if you want. However, your main job in the body paragraph is to review why the government has to take the responsibility.

Hopefully, these can improve your writing. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / E books versus paper books. Cause and effects. [7]

Hi Sichana, I am gonna try offering improvement for your writing.
Firstly, you unsuccessfully paraphrase the statement given. I don't know what you catch from prompts. In the introductory paragraph, you said that the gadgets take over positions of the book although you should paraphrase "readers tend to read e-book rather that paper books". Actually, you have to harness impressing the examiner in the first sentence. However, you make a mistake which can alarm the examiner for reading detailed your writing. Even the examiners can know what you will explain in the body paragraph because you have shown misinterpretation in the beginning sentence. I suggest you provide your time for analyzing the matter before you write this.

There are evident reasons as to why the paper books on the shelves are replaced by the e-books

It seems clear that you explained the different matter. Actually, you can harness your idea for answering the prompts, but you have to modify your first sentence in the first body paragraph. You can say that the readers are more likely to read e-books than the hard books because the e-books can be placed in the smartphone.

Turning to the second body paragraph, you reviewed the primary role in the two last sentences although the prompt is about the impact of a tendency for reading e-books. Please, you are aware of the prompts. Although your grammar is safe for this matter, but your score will fall down because of your explanation out of the topic.

Hopefully, you can consider my suggestion for the next writing. I believe you can master this section if you wanna observe examples of writing task 2 and practice more.

Happy Writing
GOOD LUCK

Graduate / An Email to Preferred Supervisor - Requirement to apply Master Degree in Japan [7]

Hi Uta, I wanna finalize your writing.Actually, you have written the letter including reasonable motive. However, perhaps you need strengthening your background. You can impress the candidate of your supervisor with telling him about your working experience. Besides that, you can inform your background why you choose that research. Following that, you can tell him about help which you need from him. I mean you find his knowledge which can encourage your future research.

On the other hand, you also show that you can include in the teamwork. You can participate actively in his research linear with your research or make a commitment that you are ready to be his assistant. In my point, you should bring benefit for improvement of his research when you join there. In addition, you can show your attraction and passion in that subject. It's better on condition that you can inform advantages of your research for Japan and your country.

Hopefully, these can help you. Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Reasons of land degradation globally and the impact it causes on three different continents [3]

Hi Fadhil, welcome to Essay Forum. Hopefully, in the next term, you attach the picture about you explained if you wanna get more feedback. Readers do not analyze your information which you displayed.

Firstly, you have actually displayed the introductory paragraph well. However, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to contain at least 3 sentences. I think you can separate your overview into two sentences so that you can produce three sentences in the first paragraph.

Before you write this writing, you should analyze the information about its time. This circumstance happened in the 1990s so that you should present the past tense here. Please, you remember that because that matter can reduce your score, especially in the grammar. Following this, I don't know why I see your data as listing the data. I mean you explained one by one figure in the first body paragraph. You should impress examiners with your ability in the analyze. In other words, you can compare the figures directly. I only remind you that your job in writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to describe separately.

overall, this is enough good because you know the basic elements shown in the writing task 1. I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna practice again and again.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Parenting course program for young parents [5]

Hi Sinchana, I will try offering my perspective about your writing. After I have seen your style in the writing, I have known that you always include a hook before you paraphrase the statement. It doesn't matter because it can guide readers to understanding your writing. However, there was more essential. It is your position in the thesis statement. Please, you focus on prompts given. Your position should stand out between two views, not to explain another topic like this

it is unrealistic to make sure everyone will join these courses

Turning to the first body paragraph, you actually offer the reasonable opinion why you agree. However, you included the example of contents in the parenting course. I reckon that did not relate to the topic. Following this, I ever mentioned previously that you never ever ever present the contraction (doesn't) in the formal writing.

On the other hand, your conclusion was not strong. I only remind you that the conclusion is the paraphrase of the thesis statement. Its aim is to clear up your position again in this essay. Besides that, I have found a few misspellings in your writing. You need to double check your writing before uploading this.

I hope these can improve your ability.
Happy writing.

Scholarship / TSU -- Scholarship essay about my achievements, interests, and my goals. [5]

Hi Jordan, I have read your essay. Honestly, I am keen on reading this because not only you have some talents, but you also always your friends. This essay showed that you really like socializing with others. I think you have read thread why you can be the excellent therapist. However, there were a few things which you are supposed to strengthen. First, you can explore where is your turning point so that you wanna be the therapist. You need more strong statements to make this more attractive. Besides that, you avoid the word "the possibility". I think it's better you decide your profession in the future. The conviction is needed in the essay about your way. Following this, you need sharpening your goal in the future. It is not inadequate if you only mentioned that you will become the therapist. You ought to show steps what you will do for harnessing your ability in giving benefits for citizens.

I really believe your essay is gonna be more interesting on condition that you include those points. Good Luck for your application.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - how many people took computer science at university of UK? [4]

Hi Lincoln, please you fix my few corrections


They are CATEGORIZED...
(Please, you prioritise the meaning if you wanna pick up the word. Delivering the proper word is to get a higher score)


Avoid mentioning the detailed information in the overview in the overview. it's better you write like this
Moreover, the female had always dominated for students coming from other countries.


Be careful of including the data. I think tha data you gave inappropriate information because the bar does not stand out at 30. You are supposed to write " at approximately 30".

Apart form those all, you have fallen the vast mistake. You have missed the information in 2012. I don't know exactly how to group the data so that you produce the second body paragraph which can confuse readers. Honestly, before I review your writing, I need time for understanding your picture so that I know how to group the data well. In my vantage point, you should review examples of the writing task 1 so that you know grouping technique. The strength in the writing task 1 is how to pick up the attractive information through the grouping technique.

Hopefully, these can help you for improving your skill.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Our life is very different from this life that our parents and grandparents used to live [4]

Hello Van, welcome to Essay Forum. I am pleased to tell you that you have been a useful medium for improving your written skill. Actually, you can get more feedback about your writing. However, you missed the primary step in this website. When you upload your writing, you are supposed to include the question or prompts about your writing. Reviewers cannot comment fully because they don't what you wanna achieve.

Turning to your contents, you should paraphrase the given statement by using your own words. Its aim is to show a range of your vocabulary. In an IELTS test, this is renowned as the lexical resource. Following this, keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least three sentences. It relates to coherence and cohesion of your writing.

Apart from that, I suggest you should read and observe examples of academic writing or IELTS writing task 2 because you need understanding deeply about the good structure in writing an essay. We actually can simple this essay into 4 paragraphs. The first paragraph relates to the introduction of your essay. After that, the two next paragraph are known as body paragraphs to elucidate your view. A conclusion paragraph is presented in the last sentence.

Hopefully, my suggestions can be considered for improvement of your writing. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate how the proportion of annual expenditure was changed in a UK school [4]

Hi Jens, welcome to Essay Forum. I wanna try offering a few suggestion for finalizing your writing.
Firstly, if you wanna paraphrase the given statement, please don't miss from the meaning.


had changed

Following this, you should merge between the first and second paragraph becuase two elements are included in the introductory paragraph. After that, I really believe you can boost your score if you can make your overview better. You need to make it more attractive. For example,

Overall, it is important to note that the school had absolutely located the most budget for earnings of teachers, while the csot for insurance had obtained the smallest part of outlay.

On the other hand, you should keep in your mind that the good paragraph is supposed to include at least 3 sentences. There were many paragpraphs which did not meet the requirement. Turning to your paragraph, your tended to list the data although your job in writing task 1 is to compare figures, not to describe sepaarately.

Hopefully, these suggestion can help you
Practicing more and more is the way to master this skill.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The figure illustrates the number of three kinds of fast food eaten by youths in Australia [6]

Hi Sehat, I have read your writing task 1 closely. In this moment, I am gonna offer a few suggestions about your content.
Firstly, you have missed one of requirements for creating a paragraph. Kepp in your mind that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Actually, you could place your overview in the first paragraph so that you can meet the requirement. To obtain a higher score, you should ensure that your overview described a smoother information. I mean that you can convert your data into the real information avoiding the word of changes. If you wanna impress the examiners for getting the high score, you create the more overview by using comparison language.

Turning to the body paragraphs, there was an odd thing. The first body paragraph was too long, and another paragraph is short. I think you need learning a grouping technique.Besides that, I only remind you that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare figures, not inform the data separately. It will be not appealing. To know about that technique deeply, I highly recommend you for reading more examples of the writing task 1.

Practicing more and more is the key to master this skill. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The number of UK residents going abroad and overseas residents visiting the UK - IELTS WritingTask 1 [4]

Hi Sehat, I have read your writing. I am gonna try giving you a few suggestions.
Honestly, your first sentence is too long. As we know, we wanna communicate with readers, not to push them down to understand your writing. That seemed screwed up. I tend to agree that it's better if you did not include names of countries whole. That was sufficient on condition that you mentioned


Besides that, you don't the conclusion in the writing task 1 because you are only supposed to summarize the given information. That activity is well-known as making an overview. Therefore, you avoid using words " To sum up, to conclude, in conclusion, so on".

Turning to your overview, that is a good job. However, you can impress the examiner more if you can make it more attractive. I suggest you can convert to a description in the real activity.


IN ANY CASE, CITIZENS OF UK WERE MORE FASCINATED TO TRAVEL TO FRANCE IN 1999.
For you body paragraph, if you wanna a higher score, you need a bravery more for comparing figures directly. The strong key to get the high score in the body paragraph is presenting comparisons.

Hopefully, these can help you to enhance quality of your writing.
GOOD LUCK
^_^

Writing Feedback / MY IELTS PRACTICE ESSAY ON THE "EXTINCTION" OF SEVERAL LANGUAGES [7]

Hi Pham, welcome to Essay Forum. I really hope you can harness this medium as well as possible.

I have read this closely. There were some mistakes grammatically and contently. Firstly, please you double check your writing before you upload because this writing has had a few errors in verb agreement, singular/plural, and usage of articles. You might think those are the minor errors, but they can reduce your score. Then, avoid using an idiom in the formal writing because you can make your information vague. Perhaps, you wanna show off your ability to the examiner, but that can become a boomerang if it can be not understood by readers. Keep in your mind that your job in writing task 2 in to communicate with the readers, not to impress them. The essential key is how to answer the give prompts and be presented in a logic flow.

Turning to the body paragraph, that seemed that you have knowledge deeply. You did not display your view systematically because you move from a topic to the other topic without a strengthening, even your examples illustrated widely. Keep your pace in the track of the prompts. Unfortunately, the last sentence in the second paragraph did not relate to your topic. I suggest you do brainstorming before you begin writing for deciding what you want to explain. That is an assessment in the indicator "task Response".

Hopefully, you can separate conclude sentence from the body paragraph. I only remind you that the conclusion is the paraphrase of the aforementioned thesis statement. You can also include a suggestion about the matter after the conclusion, but they are in the same paragraph.

I really hope these can help you for finalizing your writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - describe the changes of an island before and after it turned to a resort [6]

Hi Alice, welcome to Essay Forum. This is a useful medium for improving your writing skill so that you harness this as well as possible.

I have read your writing closely and found a few major mistaken. Firstly, you have missed one of essential requirements. Keep in your mind that you have to produce at least 150 words in the writing task 1. A penalty will be given in scoring this writing. I think you can explore more information about the diagram above. After that, you are supposed to arrange your paragraphs systematically. In the first paragraph, that is filled by the paraphrase of the question, and your summary about the information which you are gonna review in the body paragraph. Following this, I remind you that the good paragraph has at least three sentences. I hope you tackle those problems.

Then, you should use the present tense for describing the data because there was a specific period so that this matter is considered as the fact. Turning the specific of your data in the body paragraph, I have met the sense of the writing task 1. As we know, our job in the writing task 1 is to compare two pictures. You have tended to describe the after condition solely although you have to include previous surface.

Hopefully, those suggestions can help you. GOOD LUCK

Undergraduate / A very compelling choice for me. George Washington University Supplemental Essay (Transfer) [6]

Hi Christopher, I have read your writing closely and will try giving you a few suggestion for finalizing your letter.

Actually, readers will know that you have analyzed courses what you learn there. Someone who supervises your letter will understand that you are fascinated to join George Washington University. However, many of your sentences are too complicated. Readers will find a difficulty in meeting what you explained your letter. I suggest you simply a few sentences so that you can guide the readers well for understanding your points in this writing. Besides that, you have not harnessed linking words well to create the good flow. I mean that you directly move from a topic to another topic without a transition word. Based on the aim of this letter, you should communicate the supervisor in this letter so that you are supposed to present the logical flow. Turning to your content, it's a good job. You only need a little improvement.

Hopefully, those can help you
GOOD LUCK for your transfer.

Writing Feedback / You are a wealthy person who can buy either a house or a company. What would be your choice? [4]

Hi Sandeep
I have read your essay and try reviewing this.

In the first paragraph, you stand out your position. Clearly, you prefer to become an entrepreneur to buying a house. However, you could strengthen your paragraph on condition that you showed the business what you build. Why I say that because you have reviewed the concentration of your business in the second paragraph. Turning to the next paragraph, I think you can remove the last sentence in that paragraph because you have presented an example in the previous sentence.

Following that, you have to pay attention to your grammar. There were a few misplacing for the conjunction. In addition, you have forgotten to place a period in a few complex sentences. Although that is a minor error, it can break your flow in the writing.

Apart from those, I suggest you diminish the fourth paragraph because your prompt only concentrates on benefits of buying the company rather than the house. You don't forget to focus the prompt that has to relate to buying the house.

Overall, your explanation is good.
Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing your essay
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1. SUA, Sweden and Japan; Proportion of elderly in three different countries. [6]

Hi Ana-Mariana, you actually will get feedback fully so that you attached your picture of what you reviewed. You are only gonna obtain the feedback generally. Firstly, you should merge between your paraphrase of the question and the overview in the first paragraph. My reason is because a good paragraph should have at least 3 sentences. Besides that, you are supposed to play safely. I mean that because you will fight the time when you take the real test, you should write the overview as quick as possible. That element has the high point so that you can tackle with that problem first.

Apart from that, your body paragraphs were less interesting. I said that because you only describe the information like listing the data. You cannot get the high score because you missed the essential clue in the writing task 1. I only remind you that our job in the writing task 1 is comparing figures, not to display the data separately. When you wanna present the data in the diagram, you are supposed to make comparisons. You can do it easily if you can group well. Therefore, before you start writing this, you should analyze the data to know what you explain in each paragraph.

Hopefully, those can finalize your writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Problem/Solution essay Causes of crime - social inequality and low-wages are provoking this [4]

Hi Salma, welcome to Essay Forum. This is a right medium to improve your skill so that you should harness this website as well as possible.

I have read your essay closely. Honestly, you paraphrased the statement unsuccessfully. You presented new topics (social inequality and low-wages) although those cannot represent the meaning increasing the crime rate. Be careful of the paraphrase. You have to pay attention to the meaning so that you will not explain the different topic. Following that, it is better if you mentioned the cause and solution which you were gonna review in the body paragraph. Its reason is to give a general description. You only need mentioning one or two words about your view.

Turning to the first body paragraph, I think you should say that the cause of increasing the crime is growing the population quickly. It is not exact if its reason is overcrowding. Besides that, you showed your view, but you did not include the strong supporting sentence. You have shown many causes, but those seemed layman's sentences because you did not write strong reasons or relevant examples.

On the other hand, when you displayed the three causes of that matter, you should also offer the three solutions relevant to the problems. Unfortunately, your solutions were less strong. In the good essay, you are supposed to present the supporting sentences to strengthen your opinion.

Hopefully, those can help you
GOOD LUCK

Scholarship / Education is the most effective tool in which you can use to change the world. [4]

Hi Ansley, I will try offering improvement in your paragraphs.
Firstly, You should pay attention to meaning and avoid ambiguous in creating sentences.

It is key to gender equality, reduces chances of poverty, important in politics

It is a key to equality of gender and reduces chances of poverty, especially in sectors of politics, industry, justice, and health.
Actually, your sentences relate to each other. However, you did not present linking words so that you can lead to readers from a topic to another topic. That can also create a good flow logically.

On the other hand, you are supposed to double check your writing. I have found a few minor errors in the grammar. You are not able to heed them because those can break the quality of your writing. You should concern to verb agreement, singular/plural, and usage of the articles.Following that, you can accustom using advanced vocabularies to impress readers. However, you don't forget collocation of your vocabularies so that those disturb your flow. Sometimes you need to check usage of vocabularies in a dictionary so that you use them appropriately.

I really believe you can master the writing skill if you practice more and more. Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing this.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / This essay will discuss the main reasons for increase the crime rate [5]

Hi Nilendra, these below are my corrections for your writing. Please, you meet my notes and tackle them.
Firstly, you thesis statement containing your opinion was less strong. Its reason is because you only said that you know its causes and solutions, but you didn't mention. I suggest you are expected to write one or two words about the cause and solution so that readers obtain general draw what you will review in the body paragraph. Following this, you should keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.

Secondly, you have to focus on the prompt statements given. I think you explained the topic widely. In the first body paragraph, the readers will tend to guess that you elucidated a type of crime in the present although you should concentrate on the cause. Besides that, if you wanna get a high score, your move from a sentence to another is supposed to be smooth. Honestly, the readers need reading this more once to get your point and logic. That case also occurred in the second body paragraph. Hopefully, you can pay attention to this matter.

After that, you require rewriting your conclusion. As we know, the conclusion is used to restate your opinion. In other words, to create the conclusion, you paraphrase your statement in the introduction.

Hopefully, these help you for finalizing your essay.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TEENAGE YEARS OR ADULT YEARS ARE MORE HAPPY ? [7]

Hi Pham, I have read your essay. Let me give you a few suggestion for finalizing this.
Firstly, there were many minor errors in grammar. Please, when you wanna merge two sentences, do not forget to a conjunction. Besides that, you do not use a contraction in the formal writing. Avoid doing it again.



After that, I only remind you that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. I really you will construct the paragraph meeting the requirement.
Turning to the body paragraph, you fail to tackle the prompts given. They have asked to explore about those two different views. However, in the second paragraph, you tended to explain bad conditions in the adult life although you are supposed to review what people's reasons state that the adult life is the happiest period. I have not found there. Following that, you did not stand out your view about that matter. Readers should find your position clearly so that you will not miss the other prompt.

I recommend you to read examples of writing task 2, especially the conclude paragraph. As we know, the conclusion is created from paraphrasing the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. In addition, you avoid using this word

Admittedly

to represent that that is your conclusion. It is better you harness the words (In conclusion, to conclude, To sum up).
Hopefully, those can help you to get a little improvement.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - INFORMATION ABOUT DIARRHEA CASES IN MASHHAD FROM 1983 TO 1992 [4]

Hi Ainun, I am gonna try offering a few suggestion for finalizing this.

Firstly, please you try paraphrasing the question fully. Honestly, your sentence in the first was virtually similar to the question. If you wanna get a high score, you can impress an examiner through your skill for paraphrasing. Following this, you can again the score more if you avoid the language of changes in the overview. I mean that you bring that information to a meaningful description. For example,

Overall, it can be obviously seen that although the number of diarrhea sufferers had been more for the some of first years in the period, that condition had gone to zero at the end of period..

On the other hand, be careful of deciding a position of the data. You wrote that the first three years experienced the stable position. However, there was clearly the information that only 1983 and 1984 were at the same point. You are supposed to pay attention to this matter because the examiner will think you have given the information inappropriately. That relates to coherence and cohesion.

Hopefully, those can help you to improve your skill.
Happy Writing.

Writing Feedback / Every person is different. The happiness depends on people's own. [4]

Hi Reski, you have needed improvement for your writing. I am gonna offer you a few suggestions.
Firstly, pay attention to meaning what you write. Ensure that you write is what you mind. For the second sentence in the first paragraph, I think you want to write the passive sentence. Rereading your sentence is wisely a way to make sure your meaning. Following that, your flow in the first paragraph was not enough good. Readers have not found your points logically. Its problem is because you mentioned cause first, but you have not delivered the linking word appropriately so that it seemed messy.

After that, you need to know the difference for usage of "because and because of". If you placed "because of", you only involve a noun. Actually, you have fallen the problem of verb agreement. Honestly, you have answered the prompt well in the body paragraph. This confused the readers about your reason why you said the happiness is difficult to be defined. Severely, in the last two sentences, you reviewed the topic which doesn't relate to the prompt.

Resky, I suggest you conduct a brainstorming before you begin to write the essay so that you can analyze the question. Practice more and more

happy writing

Writing Feedback / Education and health care should be financed by authorities - everyone could get free access to it [4]

Hi Nur, I really like reading your essay because you wrote this systematically. However, I have found there needed a few improvements for finalizing your essay.

Firstly, you met a misconception in the first body paragraph. Turning to the second sentence, you said that the authority should locate the fund into other sectors. You cannot mention that because there was not a statement that the government only locate budget for both those aspects. Your view is unreasonable to argue the statement.

Following that, you tended to review why the poor family is more suitable for obtaining the fund. Honestly, it's better if you elucidate why the rich family does not get the subsidy. That was only represented at the last two sentences in the second body.

However, I admit that you have shown your ability in the vocabulary. You have been free of repetition and your flow is good. You only need to analyze more so that you can write effectively and efficiently. You have written much vocabulary, but there were a few sentences which did not relate to the topic.

GOOD LUCK for the next writing

Writing Feedback / The line chart compares the data of package delivery distributed by two delivery service companies [4]

Hi Ainun, Actually you can get a score more for your writing, but you have needed a few improvements.
Firstly, if you wanna get the high score, you can impress the examiner through describing the thesis statement. You endeavor to convert the data to the meaningful sentence. You can represent the data smoother. For example,

Overall, it is important to note that TNT successfully surpassed a domination of Federal Express in a delivering sector.
Turning to the body paragraph, you have failed to present the proper information. The first sentence in the first body paragraph stated that TNT stood at a quarter of FedEx although it clearly seemed a third. Please, be careful of deciding the data because it can influence your score for the indicator "task achievement". Following that, you need to know when you harness the past tense or past perfect. There was the sentence which should be displayed in the past perfect like this sentence.

then experienced a growth in the following twenty years

then have experienced a growth....(it's better if you use the past perfect because that was a change in the fixed period)
Honestly, both of your body paragraphs were unbalanced. It indicated that you have found confusion for grouping the data. I suggest you strengthen your ability in grouping because it can enhance your score.

To master this skill, you are supposed to read examples and practice more and more.
Hopefully, those can help you Ainun.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / It is inevitable for using alternative energy resources to replace fossil fuel exploitation [3]

Hi Nur, you have shown the good method for paraphrasing the statement. However, your last sentence in the introductory paragraph confused readers. I did not find your reason why you place that sentence. I think that seemed like the redundant sentence. Please, you pay attention to sentences which you deliver to describe what you mind.

Turning to the body paragraph, you successfully answer the task response in the first body. However, you have fallen into a different topic in the next paragraph. You experienced the way to reduce the pollution in the first sentence. Actually, you had guided readers to understanding this well, but you elucidated the topic inappropriately. You have to focus on edges of the prompts given to obtain the high score. Severely, the whole second body exactly concentrated on the solution for diminishing the pollution.

I am supposed to admit that your vocabulary is good. It indicates you can the high score in the indicator "the lexical resource". However, keep in your mind that the paramount thing is to deal with the task responses.

Hopefully, you are able to aware of your topic so that you do not lose the score. Practice more and more Miss...
^_^

Scholarship / My challenge: the order to manage the payroll software to meet the latest Government Regulation [4]

Hi Iwan, I have read your writing closely and found a few improvement you need to deal with them
Actually, a matter you explained in this is facinating. However, you should also sharpen your abiility to collaborate with your team because there were a few prompts you to show your capability in managing the team. Well, you have stated in some sentences, but you still need strengthening them. You tended to review your experience with presenting specific vocabulary which no all know them so that readers will meet confusion in the middle of your writing. I suggest you deliver the problem with you can tackle it with your team. Besides that, you can show off your ability to explore abilities of your team so that it can prove that you can motivate your team to be better. For your grammar, this is good, but you need to make the flow better so that you can lead the readers to getting the points of your writing.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Higher entrance fees to attractions for residents than for foreign travelers? [6]

Hy Duy, I have read yours closely and found some needing a few improvements.

Firstly, you should analyze the questions given before you begin writing. Honestly, you have missed one of essential points. You have not shown your position clearly in the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph although it can give an examiner a description about your opinion in the body paragraph. Besides that, if you wanna get a higher score, you are supposed to impress the examiner in the first paragraph.

Turning to the body paragraph, your second reasons in the first body is less strong. You have needed a supporting sentence to strengthen your view. Giving an example can become a way to support your perspective, but that has to relate to the reason.However, you have fallen another topic in the second body. Be careful of traps of the prompts. Therefore, you should underline keywords from the given statement. In the second body, you concentrate on reviewing benefits of the low ticket for local citizen although we have to focus on the International visitors. I admit that it is tricky, but you can avoid that if you wanna analyze more.

Hopefully, those can help you to improve your essay. Practice again and again if you wanna master this.
GOOD LUCK