Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by akbartaufiq25
Name: Muhammad Taufiq Akbar
Joined: Mar 26, 2016
Last Post: Nov 22, 2016
Threads: 7
Posts: 81  
Likes: 54
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Negeri Gorontalo

Displayed posts: 88 / page 1 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
akbartaufiq25   
Nov 22, 2016
Undergraduate / I ruffled my hair in frustration - Common app essay on background, identity, interest, or talent [3]

Cindy, if this is your first draft, then I suggest you write some of the dialogues in a paragraph. Putting whole dialogues in writing an application can obstruct you to tell your story. There might be some details in the conversation, but you can put it in a form of explanation instead. This will give more chance for your essay to be a memorable one to those who read it. Also, you will have extra spaces to add something unique to improve your essay and make it as an insteresting story.

I think you have potential to develop your essay. It is an interesting story, you know, and it will be better if you modify some parts prior to submitting it. I am looking forward to reading your revision. Keep writing!
akbartaufiq25   
Nov 21, 2016
Undergraduate / Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [12]

Pritchett, I do really love your story. I agree that being biracial has some advantages and, you know, a little bit disadvantage. Some people in my area, who was born from parents with different races, often find it difficult to live with this status. For example, they have a problem to speak their parents' native languages. This is because their parents are seldom to use their native language in a daily conversation. The reasons are varied; they do not want to make their children confused due to the languages used. Well, that is only my story, now let's go back to your essay.

I think the essay would be great if you put some details why becoming biracial is important. You can share your experience relating to this before the last paragraph (because the last paragraph above is really a good wrap-up!). This will emphasize the reader that having such uniqueness can lead someone to be a better person.

Hope this help! I am looking forward to reading your essay. Kindly regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Deforestation is the consequence of both population growth and unlimited logging. [4]

Hi, and welcome to the EssayForum (EF), Yen! We are here to help all members to enhance their writing. Without further ado, let's have a look on your essay.

Firstly, the above essay looks simple and readable. I like the way of how the ideas connected from one sentence to each other by using some transitional words. Be careful with using transitional words because improper and overly used the words impact to one's essay. To improve your writing further, you may consider the following notes:

- "...trees and plants are fellcut down in order to..."
- "ThatW ood industries like paper or furniture..." (It is inappropriate to start the sentence with word "That")

Hope this helps! Good luck with your practice!
akbartaufiq25   
Sep 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the educational system of Japan, individual work has always had a higher value when learning [2]

Hello Yuya, welcome to the EssayForum. We aim to give constructive feedbacks to all people with their writing. I hope you will also be active in this forum by sharing your insights to the other members of EF. Now let's have a look on your essay.

I agree that you are good in writing. The strengths of your essay are the simplicity of all sentences you wrote. Although it is simple, however, the messages of your essay are understandable. In other words, readers will not find it difficult to understand your writing because of it is readable. In addition, the use of varied vocabularies and a good control in grammar makes this essay better as well.

My suggestion is to replace the word "So" in the sentence: "So individual work may go smoothly without any conflicts." with another transitional phrase such as "therefore". This is because you need to use formal and academic language in writing test. Hope this help and good luck with your practice. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should the media report ordinary people lives more than celebrities' lives? IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [2]

Hello, Eka. It's nice to read your essay. To enhance your writing better, you may consider my contributions as follows:

Your introductory part is quite interesting. I do enjoy read it and find the ideas of each sentence are smoothly transmitted. However, there are a few things you need to pay attention; for example:

"..that the lives of ordinary personspeople.."

For the second paragraph, I appreciate that you try your best to use transition signals/phrases to connect the ideas better. This is good to add more words to your essay as well. I suggest you to use the words appropriately because I found that you put the signals in every sentence in this paragraph. You can alter one or two sentences to make it appealing to the reader, for example:

"Undoubtedly, itThis ultimately has caused a n increase of information ...

And here's the rest of my notes:
"..to report benefitbeneficial/valuable information.."
"The reason is there is There are more important values inside of themin their stories ."

Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Aug 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that holding parties, wedding parties, birthday parties are waste of money [3]

Hi bestjery! The following are several takes on your essay.

1st paragraph
".., (please give a space after a comma or other punctuation marks)but others oppsiteare the oppositethis for itThey said that such a celebration may causes some unnecessary overconsuming."

"..even some celabrationscelebrations are neccesarynecessary ,but hosting parties without .."
"..could generatesnagativenegative .."
"..both for for both individuals and the societies .

2nd paragraph
"Those people who belivedbelieved .."
"..that more people and more funthe more the merrier .."
"..and encourgeencourage people.."
You may consider the re-phrase of the second paragraph as follows:
People who believed that parties are the best way to celebrate would cause unnecessary cost.They follow the view that the more the merrier. To illustrate, many people bring food and lots of beverage to the party may not eat up but throw it as trash.We certainly can celebrate those in an economical way.

3rd paragraph
"..or commitingcommitting.."
"..oppisiteopposite .."

4th paragraph
"..some nagativenegative influences.."
"..memtionmention.."

Actually, I like the way you present the ideas which are simple and to the point. Still, be careful with mispellings, the use of punctuations, and grammar. I suggest you do self-correction prior to posting the essay to the EF. This will help you gaining awareness about the aspects of writing and enhance your writing as well. Keep writing and stay positive! Regards :D
akbartaufiq25   
Aug 4, 2016
Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [20]

Almost similar to other people, dealing with grammars, mother-tongue intervention, and of course, my mood, are several writing problems I am facing. Sometimes, the rules of punctuation make me confuse a little bit. Composing an essay with mixed structure and lots of sophisticated words is quite intricate as well, especially if you are asked to write under time limits.

But I think all of the above issues are not the obstacle for us to write. We made a mistake and we can learn something from it. This encourages me to get closer to the world of writing, for instance, joining the EssayForum.
akbartaufiq25   
Aug 4, 2016
Letters / A motivation letter for European Commisson Traineeship programme. [3]

Welcome to the club, Adem! I am happy to see more members joining the EssayForum. Our mission is to give accurate and constructive feedbacks to all members of this forum. I hope that you can actively participate in this forum by helping the other members enhance their writing.

With regards to your problem about the limitation of the characters, you may consider the following input:
"I believe a traineeship at EC will give an insight into the future.." (Just say it directly if you sure about it, I got this from reading one of the EF contributors, thanks for the tips EF Kevin :D. Also, this will help you to reach the maximum characters limit).

That's all from me. Good luck with your application!
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : People in poorer countries are buying cars. What are the problems? Any solutions? [3]

Welcome to the EssayForum, Fadhil. I am happy to see that more members are coming here to polish their writing, and of course, to get a higher score on the IELTS. And believe me, you will get many benefits of becoming an active member of EF, for instance, you will learn lots of writing style. I can see that you got wonderful feedbacks from one of our contributors here, and the following is my opinion regarding your essay:

Fadhil, one of the important things in writing is to keep it simple. Writers should put the reader as their priority. In the other words, the level of readability plays a major role in producing a well-written essay. I found that several parts of the above essay quite confusing. Therefore, it is better to put more simple sentences than force yourself to write complex sentences. Still, you can write one or two complex sentences. No need to worry that this will affect your score, other aspects such as lexical choice, task response, and the coherence as well as cohesion will help you to get a good result.

In addition, no need to put transition signals in all sentences in a paragraph. Doing so will only make your essay looks messy. As you know, transition signals are used to connect different ideas; and I do believe that a paragraph only consists of one major idea with several supporting details (in which the details are related to each other). The transition signals are, however, must be put properly not overly.

Stay positive and keep practicing! Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fresh tea leaves picking is the first step of manufacturing black tea; IELTS diagram [3]

Hello, Réré! It's nice to see your work again! Two thumbs for your efforts in enhancing your writing, especially for the IELTS! You can also share your experience about your preparation for the exam to the big family of EF.

Now when it comes to the essay, I can say that the above example is understandable. The ideas are systematically written and the task achievement is good. The thing that you need to consider is the use of varied lexical choice; for instance, I found that you often use the word "after". Several synonyms (or transitional phrases/signals), for example furthermore, can be used to indicate a sequence.

Also, I am not sure that putting "The next.." in the last paragraph is a better option as you are not going to introduce a new sequence instead giving another idea. Therefore, re-wording it with "Another" will be appropriate. Be careful with the lexical choices.

That's all from me.Hope this helps! Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice [7]

@Phonepasong: Thank you very much. I am glad to know there are more members of EF who are preparing for the IELTS. I hope we can get a high score in our examination. :D

@Ivy: Love it! I always find your comment as accurate and constructive as always, Ivy. Thank you so much! This motivates me to keep writing and to give my contribution to all big family in EF. :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / To better myself and progress in life... Essay about the story of my life. [3]

Juan, every time I read your essay, although mostly I did not put my comments, I find a pleasure with your stories. You did not give the reader a so-so storytelling, you gave us a remarkable story to remember. The story is explained coherently, and properly. I even still remember the point from one of your essay about how you propose a degree and its contribution toward your careers and goals. To improve the above essay better, you may consider the following thoughts of mine:

"I grew up in Bogota, Colombia,(a comma will make this sentence better) with my mother and siblings."

In the third paragraph, you start it with a statement that the later four years was your difficult time. However, you did not explain this in the whole paragraph; you started another new idea (stated that you got a good news) immediately. I think you should write more about your struggle during the difficult times and conclude it with the good things that you got later (or even you can continue to write this in a new paragraph, perhaps?).

That's all from me Juan, I am looking forward to reading your next essay. If you want to make a compilation of success story in a book, would you mind to give us, as a big family of EF, a spoiler or even a draft of your book? :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice [7]

Hello team! I would like to hear your comments regarding my first practice of IELTS Writing task 1. I spent the task in 18 minutes, and I felt that it was challenging to write under time limits. You can also give prediction score as well.

Here are the graphs and the essay.

The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of a large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The graphs illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. There are three stages of Salmon's growth. This fish needs to reach to each of these phases prior to moving to new habitats.

During the initial cycle, Salmon lay its eggs in the upper river, whereas the stream is not moving fast. These eggs are spread near some small stones and reeds. In five to six months later, it is hatched into a fry or baby salmon, with size from three cm to eight cm.

The fry grows into smolt, the adolescence salmon. The smolt has a larger size which ranges from 12 to 15 cm. In this stages, the smolt moves to the lower river. This stage of smolt lasts for approximately four years.

In the adult stages, about five years, now the smolt migrates to the open sea. The size of salmon grows significantly from 15 cm to 70 - 76 cm. The smolt now becomes adult salmon completely.

In conclusion, the salmon have three major cycles of life before reaching maturity. Additionally, their habitats and size are gradually changed during its development.






akbartaufiq25   
Jul 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / In about 140 words write a paragraph about the importance of doing exercises [4]

Hello Quyen, it is pleased to working with you. Firstly, welcome to the EssayForum or EF in short; our big family has striven to give accurate and corrective feedbacks in attempts to develop one's writing.

Now, when it comes to your essay, I found several points for you to be considered explained as follows:

The common issues that I noticed is SVA or Subject-Verb Agreement, below are the SVA problem in your essay:
"..exercises aids us.." (the subject is plural, use verb 1 instead; this is also the same problem I found in the following sentences)
"..exercises brings us.."
"Because it releases chemicals in our brain called endorphins that help us relieve tension, and reduce stress."

You put the word "us" too much. You can replace this word with its synonym, for example, "people". The essay is short so bear in mind that you need to use varied of words. Also, the lexical choices that you use must be appropriate or accurate to the context of your sentence.

Still, what I like from your essay the most is you have a good control of ideas. I can see that each sentence is linked each other and it is well-structured. Practice more, and you will be fine, 100% guaranteed! :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? (wheat) [5]

Payal, in addition to the above comments from our big family of EF, here are my thoughts about your essay; starting with the strengths of your essay:

1. The ideas are rich. You know how to explain the details to support the main ideas of each paragraph (this refers to the body of your essay/ second and third paragraph, with an exception in the first paragraph which I will explain this later).

2. The prompt is addressed appropriately.

Still, to enhance your writing skill further, you might consider the following notes on your essay:

The first paragraph is crucial in an essay. A good introductory paragraph can attract readers' interest to read the whole of your essay. I think your first paragraph is a little bit ineffective to catch the readers' attention on your essay. Let us have a closer look on this:

Plants are necessary for the survival of humans. Green plants, which possess chlorophyll take part in photosynthesis and release oxygen. Thus, both humans and animals are dependent on them. Plants are a major source of food and metabolic energy. Plants also contribute to the basic needs. For example, they provide paper, fiber, medicines, timber etc. Additionally, plants help in filtering air and provide a cleaner environment.You explain the details overly here. I think you should compile the ideas from these sentences in just one sentence and then you go straight to the specific plant that has significant contributions to your country.

Also, you need to use a variety of diction with synonym substitution. This will make your essay looks better. But be careful, inappropriate use of synonym can be dangerous as it will affect the message of a sentence.

Hope this help. Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jul 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS2: advantages and disadvantages of distance learning; time and transportation / useless classes [3]

Hello Truong, I would like to give additional insights in accordance to the above comment from one of our contributors. To enhance your essay further, you should pay attention to the scoring rubrics of IELTS writing, such as task response, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, as well as grammatical range and accuracy which I explain as follows.

Task response: I think you have no problem with this aspect since your essay answer the prompt properly.
Coherence and cohesion: I found that there are lots of transitional phrases (especially in the second and third paragraph) in your writing. Using transition signals can make your essay looks better, well-structured, and the ideas can be linked smoothly as well. No need to put it in every sentence in a paragraph.

Lexical resource: I can see some academic words that you used in the essay. Also, putting more academic words will not hurt you. Still, you need to pay attention to the diction because putting inappropriate diction will affect the essay in terms of the meaning.

Grammatical range and accuracy: I found that there are some problems of grammar in the essay. The following are some issues of grammar I found:

"..are mostly introduced by universities.."
"This course gives the ability.."
".. it prevents unnecessary stages for users.."
"..the normal class has also have many benefits as well."
"..enthusiasmenthusiastic teacher.."
"..the acknowledgement of.."
"..it should be assured .."

I hope this will help you to improve your writing as well as elevate your score in the next examination. Keep practicing and stay positive.

Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Eating at home has many advantages; it's safer for us because we know what we are going to cook [4]

Hi Quan, welcome to the team! I hope that you gain many improvements from the EssayForum as we strive to give accurate criticism to all members who are in need of writing assistance.

I appreciate your effort in practicing your writing, because you know, become a good writer is really helpful. With regards to your essay, I have several notes for you as follows:

Actually, your ideas are good, but you need to link the information from one sentence to each other. For instance, in the introductory statement, you said that it is better for people to prepare their food at home, however, you jumped the ideas in the next sentence. You need to put a sentence which indicates that eating at home is safer than eating at the restaurant. You may consider the following example of mine:

"The trend of eating at restaurants becomes popular as people prefer to something instant recently. Still, there are some who prefer to prepare their food at home. In my view, cooking at home has more advantages than waiting your food at the restaurants for two major considerations."

As you can see, the first two sentences are the introductory part of the main idea (bold sentence). The ideas are well-structured and linked each other. Also, it is easy to control the ideas since I only mention TWO reasons of why people should eat and prepare their food at home.

There you have it Quan. I know that it is quite challenging during the first time practice writing, but no need to worry, joining the EssayForum means that you open a new path to gain more understanding about writing as well as improve your writing skill further. Best regards!
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Mankind hinges today on the advancement of technology and most people are lost without it [3]

Welcome to the EssayForum, Virel! I have read through your essay and I found that you have a good control of ideas. Still, you can consider the following suggestions to enhance your writing further:

"Technology has become an integral part of daily liveslife,.(Better to split up the sentence) "
"People Some often argue that many people hinges onto the advancement of technology, and it caused they are not less acquiring some basic life skills."

I can see that there are some repetitions in your essay. For instance, you put the word "people" overly. You can use a pronoun to address the word "people" instead as depicted in the above example.This will make your essay looks good because of the variety of words and diction that you used. You should read and learn more about the grammar as well. Hope this help. Keep practicing!
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 23, 2016
Scholarship / Why I feel that I deserve this scholarship (150 words) [9]

Hello Dennis, it is a pleasure to read your essays. I agree with Juan's comment that a good writing shows the reader and it should be detail. I know that the words limit is an obstacle for us to express our ideas but do not forget one of the rules of thumbs previously mentioned, the DETAIL.

You can brainstorm several ideas/keywords (detail) that show us your strength, and of course, it should sync with your experience. Furthermore, you can modify one or two sentences by adding the keyword that you already considered. But again, the words limit may constrain us, so be careful to think what ideas that you would like to add.

I am sure that you can make it, Dennis. Stay positive and keep writing!

Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Overall, British Museum was by far the most popular of the three London museums visited by people [4]

Hello Grahyta, I found that your essay is understandable and well-written. You show me that you have an in-depth understanding of grammar, because I cannot find any serious issues about the grammar in the essay. The way you describe the information clearly is also impressed me. Still, I have suggestions for you to enhance your writing as follows:

"..to just over 750 thousands of people."
"However, in a month later, Natural figure.." (I prefer to put a comma in this phrase to ease me reading the sentence).

That's all my inputs. I am looking forward to review your essay. You can also share your understanding about IELTS writing or any essay-related topics to the other EssayForum families. Good luck with your practice.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this modern era, money can buy anything, including individual gladness. Happiness vs money. IELTS [4]

Wahyu, I can say that your essay is well-structured. The flow of ideas is good, the grammar is controlled, and more importantly, you addressed the prompt properly. To enhance your essay, you may consider my thoughts as follows:

"..that having a good financial condition.."
"..some peoplemany argue that having good financial condition makes someonepeople happy since he they can buy anything which hethey want."

"The research from Stanford University releasedrevealed that.." (innapropriate diction)
"..deferentdifferent factors."
".. our surroundings.."
"..they are really interested in."
"..which make someone to be glad (or you can use "delighted and pleased as well)."

Also, you need to use a wide variety of vocabularies to elevate your score, because it is one of the major considerations in the IELTS examination. I hope my contribution can help you enhance your writing further. Stay positive and keep writing! Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / An essay on reading and writing - how to improve language skills? [4]

Trung, I know that this is a quite a bit late, but I would like to give you my inputs in addition to the above feedbacks from our contributors. You know, when I read your essay, it looks like I am standing in a campaign where you are the candidate - delivering your powerful speech to gain as many as possible votes in the election later. Your writing style is somewhat similar to the style of speech which is very persuasive.

As Ivy said that this is one of your strengths, you must put the reader as the top priority prior to starting your writing. I know that you try your best to give the reader your masterpiece, but this may result in some grammatical inaccuracies as Ichan suggested previously. Try to read more persuasive essays to enhance your writing as well as gaining some insights on how to have a good writing. I am positive that you can do better in your next writing. I am looking forward to read your strong argument, in a well-written essay. Best regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 16, 2016
Scholarship / Statement of purpose for an internship research program in mechanical engineering [5]

Hello and welcome to the EssayForum, Timbo! It is good for you to choose EF as your reliable academic writing support. I do hope that you can actively participate in this forum by sharing with the other members regarding their essay. Now let's have a closer look at your essay.

I would like to give you some inputs, specifically to the introductory paragraph. I can say that your introduction is good and understandable. Also, you can put the italicized sentences in the paragraph after the first sentence. You may consider the revision of these sentences from me:

"I earned my BEng from xxx in xxx. I was fortunate to study in a program that was forward-thinking, with lecturers and highly motivated students who always pushed me to look to the future...."

As you can see, I put the keyword from the second italicized sentence in the above revision. This is due to simplifying the idea to ease the readers to understand your essay. About the content of your essay, I think this is a good statement of purpose. You write all aspects of a good personal statement, such as writer's educational background, past experiences, and your contribution to the society in regards to your academic history.

Good luck!
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 12, 2016
Scholarship / Folks, have a look at my first draft of personal statement for Fulbright. [3]

Thank you for appreciating our work here, Mahammad. It is easier for us to give you comments regarding the task response of your essay since you already write the prompt. In my view, putting more details about the connection between your future plan, including your career with the other aspects that you already mentioned, can help you improve this essay. If it is necessary, write it in detail. Do not forget to smooth the ideas in each paragraph as well. This is due to gain readers' impression about your essay.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 12, 2016
Grammar, Usage / 'People have different cultures' - Help me revising my translation task [4]

@Nahid: Thanks for your input. It helps me a lot! I will revise my translation based on your revision.
@Mahammad: The text is originally written in Indonesian. Do you find my translation understandable? I am looking forward to read more of your comments regarding my translation.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 11, 2016
Scholarship / Folks, have a look at my first draft of personal statement for Fulbright. [3]

Hi Mahammad! Welcome to the big family of EssayForum. We are here to help all members in providing constructive feedbacks toward their essay. There is one thing to be considered prior to giving my thoughts regarding your essay. Firstly, please write the prompt of the essay clearly. This will help us to tell you whether your essay addressed the prompt accurately or not.

In regards to your essay, here are several inputs from me:

"..author of these words is one who has.."
"..a sentence stuck toin my mind.."
"..I attended at many.."
"..I was the only man.."
"..constitution of Azerbaijan Republic, every.."
"..at border lineborderline face to face.."

I do hope that you will tell us the prompt of the personal statement so we can give you more comments. Wish you luck!
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discuss the extent to which you agree or not with the recommendation of increase spending on art [3]

Hello Robin, it is a pleasure to read your essay. You address the prompt clearly in this essay. Furthermore, I found that the flow between the ideas is well-written. To improve this essay better, you may consider the following inputs:

"For this, an ideal government.."
"..the inter relation.." it should be interrelation
"Quiet often Military come in play quite often when a relation.."
"And a military interference is.." How if you replace the word "And" with other transition signals to make your essay more academic, for example: "furthermore, moreover, in addition.

"For example, when.." I read that you use "for example" quite often. You can use another transitional phrase, such as "for instance". Also, please put a comma after the transitional phrases.

As you can see Robin, I suggest you to pay attention to the punctuation. This looks simple but it is vital to one's writing. In addition, try to use varieties of diction. This will make your essay looks better. But you must check in the thesaurus and dictionaries whether the word is appropriate to the context and its pair or not. Hope these help you. Keep writing and stay positive :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 11, 2016
Grammar, Usage / 'People have different cultures' - Help me revising my translation task [4]

Hello team! Would you mind giving me your thoughts regarding the following text? It is a translated document for my translation task. Suggestions, corrections, and critiques are welcome :D


People have different cultures. People live and grow along with their culture, including literary works. For example, there is a folktale from Kalimantan entitle The Story of Palui. It is one of the Indonesian local wisdom. The story is still surviving and developing until now. Being published anonymously, The Story of Palui, thirty years later, is printed in Banjar language by a local newspaper named Banjarmasin Post. The folktale is rich of cultural values which are highly treasured in societies.

The focus of this study encompasses the local wisdom of Banjar's culture regarding the human beings, their self-development, as well as their interconnection between God, nature, other people, and theirselves.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 8, 2016
Undergraduate / My service - critique my Peace Corps Motivational Statement? [5]

Vince, my lecturer said that a convincing motivational letter consists of three aspects. Firstly, one must show their professional by explaining the employment history, either paid or voluntary works .My lecturer told me that the voluntary work is valued the most as it is closely related to your contribution to societies. Secondly, proof that you are a good leader. It is similar to how you write your work experience, but this focus in one's participation to the organization, for instance attending youth conferences. Third, do not forget to answer the prompt clearly and specifically. Most of the scholarship providers prefer a to-the-point essay. This is due to gaining the providers' interest to read your essay and probably put you on the top priority.

Fortunately, I can see that you have all the above aspects in the essay. The prompt is answered clearly and you put the ideas coherently. My suggestion is to ask your friends (just few of them or that you trust the most) to read the essay. Ask them if your essay in convincing and readable. I am sure that having more people to read your essay will be beneficial, especially to know their opinion regarding your essay. Good luck! Wishing for the best results. Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. The graph below gives information about the number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad bet [2]

Hi Zarina, welcome to the EssayForum! We are here to give you accurate and constructive feedbacks toward all members who are in need of writing assistance.

Zarina, I think that in IELTS Writing Task 1, one must write AT LEAST 150 words. Unfortunately, your essay not reaches the minimum words number (only 120 words). Furthermore, it is better to split the idea in the first sentence into three. I think that one paragraph consists at least three sentences. Hence, this will help you to write more than the standard of the total words limit during the examination.

The following the example of the revised introductory part:

"The provided illustration represents information on the frequency of diarrhea in Mashhad. The diagram illustrates the case for a period of 9 years. Overall, there are several changes in the statistics as explained as follows."

There you have it. I am looking forward to reading your revision or your next essay. Regards :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 6, 2016
Undergraduate / "My expirience with the fashion industry" Teen Vogue U Application Essay [2]

Hello Reagan. I can say that this is a convincing essay for college admission purpose. You address the prompt clearly and what I like the most is the content of your writing. You know, it is quite difficult to write a short personal statement or admission essay because we have a lot of ideas to put in our writing. Thus, it is necessary to make the essay as compact as possible (encompasses all ideas to answer the prompt) and convincing as well.

My suggestion is to rewrite the second sentence ("Because I have..."). of your essay. You may consider the alternate version of your sentence as follows:

"I am constrained by the lack of options to break into the industry. This because I have grown up in a small town where a sense of fashion is not celebrated as much as it should be. " (I switch the order of the clause, and split the sentence into two)

Good luck with the admission. Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1 : The root causes of getting broken-heart [7]

Kholil, I would like to give you suggestions regarding your problem in choosing appropriate vocabulary in your essay. I know that you try your best to construct an essay with many academic vocabularies. A friend of mine is actually facing the same problem. I said to him to read more academic texts and try to adapt the style from the text in your writing. This called as paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is a restatement by using your own words. Still, you need to cross-check the synonym that you used from several dictionaries, specifically to the thesaurus. You will find the appropriate word pairs (collocation), the use of the word in a certain context, as well as the synonym from thesaurus. You can check the online thesaurus as well.

Do not worry of making mistake. I am actually learn many things from mistake. I am looking forward to review your further essay.
Keep writing, keep inspiring. Regards.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 5, 2016
Undergraduate / Write a description about a person who has made a strong impression on you. [3]

Hello Dan! Welcome to the team. We strive to provide you accurate criticism and constructive feedbacks to all members who are in need of writing assistance.

Dan, I can say that this is a well-constructed essay. The ideas are good and linked to each other smoothly. You have no problems in terms of the grammar use as well. To improve this essay better, you may consider my thoughts as follows.

"They are integral in providing life lessons, offering directions, and taking lead roles for the people looking on to them,.Better to split up this sentence into two. "For this, I must confess that my mother has made the strongest impression in my life."

"As well as helping me through.." I have read that it is not recommended to begin a sentence with phrase "as well as", you can put the other transitional phrases to replace it.

"She'sis the kind.." It is better to avoid using contraction in writing.

There you have it. Keep writing and stay positive! Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 4, 2016
Scholarship / Career goals, life goals, and the reasons for choosing your degree. [5]

Hi Juan. I learned many things from your scholarship essay. I thought that people are unable to put their creativity in writing a scholarship essay, but seeing this essay changes my perspective about what makes a personal statement or motivational letter looks interesting. I love the way you tell your story, your motivation, and of course your future goals. On top of that, the ideas in your essay are well-organized too. Maybe simplifying several ideas will not hurt anyway.

Good luck, wishing for the best results :D
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of people's sense towards crime and actual likelihood to be a victim - IELTS1 [4]

Ajeng, this is a good essay actually. Your style of providing a simple explanation within the writing is a good idea. You know, a writer puts reader as the priority. Once you are able to write an essay which is readable to all people, it can reduce some possible mistakes because you gain awareness through several efforts (to make the reader understand) during the process of writing. In this essay, putting some academic words as well as using more complex sentence may be beneficial since this essay almost looks overly simple.

Here are my additional notes on your writing:
"..forfrom 2009 to 2010."
"Anxiety of being car crime victims becomes .." Pay attention to the subject.

I noticed that you misspell the word "burglary" as "bulgary" instead. It may look minor, but the impact can affect your score. I suggest you to proofread by yourself prior to posting the essay to EF. It can help you to be more keen to notice your mistakes in the middle of writing. Good luck on your practice. Let us know if you need more help later.
akbartaufiq25   
Jun 2, 2016
Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Film and Television Personal Story Essay - grammar / good storytelling? [8]

Jordan, I find a pleasure in reading your short story. You answer the prompt clearly in a simple language. You know, I am not a big fan of literary works, especially the prose; but then seeing your essay changes my perspectives about reading literature. You have powers to stimulate reader's imagination, as you can see, I am new to literary works, but somehow your work brings me to the world in the story. In other words, I believe that you can write any stories which are understandable to all people, regardless their prior knowledge about the literature.

But Jordan, would you mind to tell me what is the word "he" (in the sentence "He pulls..." onwards) refers to? Is it refers to the character Dad, or you have any other male character in your essay?

My suggestion is to keep the simplicity of your writing so it does not distract the aesthetic and the readability level on your next writing.

I am waiting for your next stories, or even if you are going to write a book, novel, or compilation of short stories, let me know. I would like to be the first person to read the essay if you do not mind :D
akbartaufiq25   
May 30, 2016
Scholarship / Topic says: how will you fund your living cost. I need a review for the essay [4]

Hello Fasakin, glad to see more members are currently struggling to get a scholarship; I am one of the "scholarship hunters" too :D. Let's work hard and wishing for the best results.

Fasakin, I hope you will post the revision of this essay since you got excellent comments from one of our contributors. I will give some notes about your writing in addition to the previous feedback.

"My Father is a University Professor, and he supports my dream, knowing fully well the benefits of studying outside Africa." Better to split up this sentence. The overuse of comma, sometimes, may confuse the reader. You can consider the following alternative to your sentence:

"My father supports my dream. As a university professor, he knows the benefits of studying abroad better than me."

I suggest you learning the rules of capitalization. No need to capitalize title of jobs except in some circumstances. One can only capitalize the letter if the title of jobs comes before or after the name of a person. For example:

I read that President Obama will attend the meeting tomorrow.
Megan Fox, Actress, will play in the upcoming movie entitled ...

Hope these help. Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
May 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2. We have become depended upon bad news and the mass media are aware of this. [2]

Glad to read your essay again, Maxim! None of the strengths of your previous writing are lost in this essay. It still retained the simplicity and the well-constructed ideas with a good transition between each sentence. There are some minor problems, but I only find one or two in this essay, I am sure that the other members will give their additional inputs to your essay. Well, here are my notes:

"For this reason,(separate it with a comma) TV.."
"..celebrityies news, scandals, and up-to-date.."

Be cautious with the use of punctuation. Try to re-read the essay by yourself once you have finished writing. You will be accustomed seeing your mistakes and gain more caution during the process of writing. This will enhance your writing skill as well as the ability to proofread people's essay.

As for the score, I cannot help that much since the IELTS is quite new to me and I never follow the test nor taking an IELTS preparation course. But I am sure that there are some members of EF who understand IELTS more than me. If you like to hear my opinion about what score suit to this writing, I give you 7 out of 9. Cheers :D
akbartaufiq25   
May 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children should be allowed to do paid work or not [4]

Hello Rozhnaz! This writing looks better than the previous one that I revised; congrats! You also gain improvement in terms of the use of academic vocabularies in this essay. Some notes to be considered here are the minor things such as punctuation, redundant expression, and capitalization. Here are several takes on your writing:

"..so manyseveral reasons."
"In my opinion, I think.." You can omit the first three words as all the phrases in this sentence have a similar meaning. For example: "I think..."

I have a suggestion for the revision of the sentence "It is clear; if a physical pressure is put on.." as follows:
It is clear that a physical pressure could be harmful to the children's development.
"As well as , (what do you mean by this phrase? If you want to add new information, try to change the phrase with other transitional phrases instead)n aivety (Watch out for the capitalization. Put a capital letter only if the words are name of places, people, and countries. I found there are more capitalization problems in this essay)

Please bear in mind that a minor thing can be harmful if one keep ignoring it. However, I do believe that you can avoid the same mistakes considering that you show me the development of your writing this time. Stay positive and keep writing! Regards.