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Posts by ekalamarsyari11
Name: eka lamar syari
Joined: Aug 10, 2016
Last Post: Nov 10, 2016
Threads: 72
Posts: 108  
Likes: 9
From: Indonesia
School: sriwijaya university

Displayed posts: 180 / page 1 of 5
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ekalamarsyari11   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Subjectivities in news make it gain less reliability. [2]

Most people think that truth should be objective rather than subjective when it comes to the news.
Do you think all news is true?
What is the function of a newspaper?


Most information broadcasting in television, newspaper, and the Internet are prone to be added with a lot of writers' or companies' opinion. As far as I'm concerned, there are a plenty of hoax presented in newspapers or TV news programmes. However, news virtually reports credible facts rather than spreads subjective perspectives.

Generally, news has become an effective weapon for most of politicians to influence broaden society with their visions. Therefore, it is no longer credible to serve a number of phenomena from real life condition. For instance, most Indonesian Presidential candidate in 2004 had some supported TV stations to create a good image for them, which was utilized to collect a huge number of votes. For this purpose, the media has to add some persuasive values to attract much more sympathy and appreciations from whole citizens.

Indeed, reporting what was really occurred has to be the primary function of the printed media. It is irrefutable that most people such as businessmen and educators need factual information in order to support them doing their jobs. A company's CEO basically has to know about the real condition of World's stock price in order to make a right decision of his business every day. In addition, teacher needs daily news to give up-to date information related to his subject when he teaches is students.

In conclusion, although the basic role of a newspaper is to share true conditions and information, not all news it contains tells the truth. I personally suggest that we have to be wiser as a member of huge society in order to consider which news we can trust.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / An appropriate colour can result in comfort and motivation, therefore capacity for work and health [2]

Psychologists have known for many years that colour can affect how people feel. For this reason, attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating place such as office and hospitals.

How true is this statement?
How far does colour influence people's health and capacity for work?


It is generally believed that colour has significant influence in people mood. This is true as the evidence of appropriate colour can result in comfort and motivation. I personally believe that the power of colour may help people to get recovery faster than they should be and also it supports employees to increase their performances at work.

Since the invention of modern technique to produce chemical colour of purple, most patients' room in the hospitals have been designed in purple schemes. This is due to the fact that purple has healed power. In the earlier time of 1990s, a chemistry study on Cambridge University pointed out that many patients in purple-designed room left the hospital bed faster than those lied out in other coloured rooms. Comfortable atmosphere in their hospitable room has helped them thinking positively so that their mental health support their body getting well in shorter time than what it is expected before.

In addition, high-motivated colour like red and orange has been considered by many food companies as their main scheme. Warmer colour tends to serve higher spirit and more happiness. Chines people who have known as remarkable businessmen are more likely to decorate their home or work place with many red ornaments, which is believed to bring more luck for them. Moreover, it has proven by a research conducted by Prof. Lee from Hong Kong University that red can serve high level of encouragement for most people. Therefore, it is inevitable that colour is also able to increase worker performance.

In conclusion, every kind of colour has psychological effects on feeling of most people, so it should help some who need to be healed or others who want to get external motivation. It is supposed to be better if colour scheme becomes an important factor to install in a certain room or building.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The decreasing figure of animals and plants in tropical forests / threats to plant life [NEW]

The graph and chart below give information about species extinctions and threats to plant life.

Data of decreasing number of animals and plants in tropical forests are illustrated in the line graph while threats to plant life are shown in the diagram. There are two different trends for the number of those extinctions over ten decades. Meanwhile, it is clear that human impacts have become the most dangerous threats to the plant life.

In the initial year there were almost 5,000 million species of animals and plants died. This decreasing rate of those creatures has predicted to increase dramatically by 6 decades onwards and will reach a peak at 50,000 million species extinct in 2060. Fortunately, after the horrible extinctions there will be a downward trend for this figure. By 20,000 million extinctions are going to fall considerably in 2100.

On the other hand, it has been proven that 81.3 % factors threaten plant life are human activities. 18.7 % of this proportion is caused by agricultural sector while harvesting is the third most hazardous aspects to plants. Besides that, natural events have 18.7 % probability to kill of the plants. It is seen only 7 % threats will be caused by natural disaster and 11.7 % may come from other natural events.




ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of Bulgarian community which move to live overseas, divided into education level [3]

As a general trend, in those years the highest level ...

you served the second main feature too detail in the overview instead of write a general trend
it should be better if you take the increasing proportion in primary and lower education level as your second main feature so that you can compare it to the initial year.


increasing plans to have primary and lower education abroad was showed considerably from the initial year to the end of the period.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many people, especially children, tend to have an unhealthy habit [4]

Nowadays, owing to trend, many people especially children tend to have an unhealthy habits .

Although some people argue (...) equal responsibility fromfor this problem,

... to tackle this issue from children lives.

... influence their kids to be morepromotehealthy life .

Also, they have the most timespend much more time onwith their children to ...

... mother always made me healthy food for me before i was going to school.
In short, parents are the most crucial factors to be ...

... schools are primary aim is to focus on academics ...
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Advertisement has great influence in buyers' preferences [2]

It is generally believe that advertisement has great influence in buyers' preferences. This has affected them to purchase many items that they are not really need. I personally agree with the initial statement because the advertisements are designed in very attractive form, and those present many advantages of the products.

We can find many advertisements of a product or a service wherever: in the Internet, streets, televisions, and newspapers. One of the most common is the electronic advertisements showed in televisions. In Indonesia, Indomie, a noodle product advertising in tv has become very popular. It is due to the fact that it serves attractive and persuasive videos in their advertisement. Ordinary people are likely to choose this product than others which are not advertised well.

Advertisements have also succeeded to changes what people want to buy indeed. This usually happens when some go to a super market to buy their monthly needs. They may purchase extra items which are not includes in the list just because those get big sales or due to the promised advantages from such unnecessary products. Despite the negative effects of the advertising products, many of them may help consumers to be easy to find out such new products they are looking for.

In conclusion, the power of advertising can make a product very popular, and it can encourage buyers to waste extra budget to get such attractive products. However, it depends on the consumers their selves so that every of them should be wise to spend their money on what they need and not just what they want.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main role of women has changed altogether [2]

It is inevitable that in the 21 century, the main role of women has changed altogether. They are working women now and they have left their children in the pre-schools. This has been proven as the cause of many juveniles' problems such as free sex and drug abuse. I personally believe that women should stay at home in order to educate their children and control their environment.

''Mother is the first school for their children'', I always believe in that principle. In the earliest stage of children's live, they hear and see what their parents talk about and do. They begin to learn by imitating and the best role model for this process is a mother. A research from UCL has proven that children aged under 5 years old took care by their biological mother grow with 3 times cleverer than the pre-schooled kids.

In the followed stages, teen-age should be the most fragile phase for young people. They may be influenced easily by their friends. Therefore, mother in this situation has an important function to take her eyes on what their teenagers do outside home. She can be the closest figure who can help children face their transformation. Professor John from King College London said that a daughter who has intimate communication with her mother is 10 times less risky to be a drug abuser. However, when their children have grown up, a woman might have a small business in order to up to date her social live and avoiding loneliness.

In conclusion, high educated women can bring out excellent generation if they do their essential role. For this reason, I suggest that woman should spend their time on taking care of their kids as long as they can.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work. [3]

It is awell-known fact generally known that in ...

... as completely correct, while the others regard this ...

As such, it is worth asking if children should be employed. Personally, I think they should. => It is hard to understand

On the one hand, work influences well on the younger generation, because it helps ...

Moreover, children become more self-confidentconfident and independent. For instance, John Rockefeller started to work at ...

To sum up, work can make child's characterhelp to build character on children and develop histheir capabilities.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Celebrities? I believe that the most essential in media is reporting about government in a country. [6]

it is should be better if you divided your essay into 4 paragraph

here is my revision of your essay

Nowadays, technology develop has developed for all ofin all aspects, especially mediain the information technology .

All of kind of media is used fortoentertainmententertain and share information. Now, media is presentingmore likely to present about celebrities' ...

... citizen in the country. I totally disagree[disagree about what?]

because I believe that the most essential is media which should report about government in the country.
=> i cannot find your idea in this sentence

you should more careful to build such complex and compound sentence
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people now are used to work apart from their office due to the internet-based technology [2]

Information technology enables people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc).
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?


It is generally known that some people now are used to work apart from their office due to the ease given by internet-based technology such as tablet, smart phone, and laptop. This new way of working has allowed people to save much time spending on commuting and it may lead to reduce amount number of air pollution. From my point of view, these mentioned advantages should outweigh the tendency to get bored of working alone.

Lots of evidences of high-level congestion in common big cities have lead people to spend too much time only on driving to their work place. Some research conducted proven that the terrible traffic jam can make the drivers and passengers suffer bad level of stress. For this reason, working in home with sake of internet connection should be a reasonable solution. Another severe impact of the huge number of motor vehicle existed in the streets is that the increasing concentration of carbon dioxide in the air. Once again, companies which utilize advanced technology in daily operation may help the world to reduce the greenhouse gasses emitted.

Feeling bored may be the possible drawback of working apart from other partners. Generally, workplaces have suitable environment surrounding by many staffs, so each worker has some social interaction there. This atmosphere cannot be found by ones who work outside their company. Harvard University has proven that freelancer 2 times faster to become bored than those who work in their office.

In conclusion, the favourable effect brought by technology in the way people work including time efficiency and friendlier impact on reducing pollution should be outweigh its drawback to make the workers become unwilling to do their job in the shorter time.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Health care resources and life expectancy in different countries [3]

The chart and table below give information about health care resources and life expectancy in different countries.

The bar graph shows how many hospital beds used to hospitalized patients measured in thousands in eight different countries while the table gives information about the expenditure of Japan, Netherlands, and US on the health care.

It is clear that the largest number of medical care is used in Japan. This contrasts to America that spends more money on the health sector.

14 thousand hospital beds have been utilized in Japan and it becomes the highest use among the other countries presented. Germany in this term is seen as the second largest country that serves amount of health facilities, with 8 thousand beds used in the hospitals.

The table reveals that The United States of America spends the most expensive health care for each citizen accounted for almost 7 thousand dollars per person, but it only reaches 78 of average life expectancy. This is slightly lower if it is compared to Japan which is expends under 3 thousand dollars per person to obtain higher expectancy of life made for 83.




ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sort of problems people have when they move into the other countries, according to ages [4]

Overall, the biggest problem is for finding the best health care ...

instead of writing a clear overview, you gave a wrong information, so be careful about it. it does not any information about countries in the graph

also you should consider at least 2 main features in the overview so that you can easily develop it in your body paragraph
=> the problems including finances, healthcare and education services seem to increase when the foreigners are getting older, but the data show a downward trend of problems faced by people aged over 55 years old.

i found that your overview does not match with your body paragraph
=> you just have to develop the ideas that you have mentioned in the overview
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares three types of difficulties that people have when they move to a new country [3]

hallo Mr. Ibe

it is just like a superb essay, but i would like to give you some suggestions here:

1. you have written a very good introduction and overview. however, if i were you, i would like to make the overview in more general. this is because it can cover all the main features.

here is my overview:
it is generally seen that two age groups under 55 years old are facing crucial problems in finances, healthcare, and finding school for their children. meanwhile, those who are over 55 years old have lower proportion for each difficulty.

2. in your body paragraphs i cannot find such an excellent cohesion. i suggest you to write your body paragraph by developing two main ideas which have been written in your overview.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

hallo

i would like to concern in your introduction and overview
The proportion of the kind of problems that happen ...

here is my suggestions

Introduction:
data of three common problems for people living in foreign countries are showed in the bar graph, which is measured in proportion .

overview:
it is clear that category 35-45 mostly faces the highest level of problems in finance, healthcare, and finding school for their children while those problems are prone to decline in people aged over 55 years old.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Being abroad people become most concerned to all life problems [5]

hi.

from my point of view, you wrote such a good introduction, but i would like to give you few suggestion here:

... to people in 55 years old and above.
=> problems of living in the foreign countries are prone to increase from people aged 18-34 years old to those in 35-54 category, but it decreases in over 55 years age group.

it would be better if you have write in 4 paragraph with this following structure:
1. introduction = paraphrasing question statement
2. overview = including 2 main features
3. body 1 = explanation and details from the first main feature
4. body 2 = explanation and details from the second main feature
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The stages to produce cement including the equipment needed and the composition of the cement [2]

Writing TASK 1 practice for Cambridge 8 - Test 3

The diagram below shows the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams present the stages to produce cement including the equipment needed and the composition of the cement for building purposes. As seen, there are four steps of cement-making process; crusher, mixer, heater, and grinder. Furthermore, cement is one of the important compositions to produce concrete.

The process of making cement is begun with crushing the basic materials; limestone and clay. After that the powder consisting of those materials are mixed in an automated machine. The third step is heating the mixed material in a rotating heater. If the heating process completes, the material is poured into another machine that will grind it into the cement. Finally, cement is packed in bags and then ready to sell.

In the construction industries, cement in certain proportion is used to produce concrete. The composition of concrete consists of 50 % small stones, 25 % sand, 15 % cement, and only 10% water. All of these ingredients are mixed together in a concrete mixer.




ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Rainforests are a vital natural supply with widespread biodiversity and inimitable. Logging danger. [5]

Paper product made from plant, material product prepare by logging industry send by shipping to Logging manufacturer send by shipping to customer.
i am really sorry to say that this sentence does not make a sense
you should pay attention to the subject-verb agreement

Effect from climate change also change ecosystem and many activity form our earth.
i would like to re-write this sentence=> Climate change also has affected ecosystem and many activity kind of lives form ourin our Earth .

Consequence of Logging spread out there just the felling ecosystem they are also terrestrial and aquatic.
Consequently, logging spreads out and damages terrestrial and aquatic ecosystems.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / THERE ARE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES TO BECOMING AN INHABITANT OF A MODERN CITY [3]

I am a beginning learner beginner of English learner.

Nowadays, living of peoplehave it has changed rapidly,.

A number of people prefersto movemoving to the big cities to live.Because because the living in ...

There are advantages and disadvantages toof becoming an ...

The first point, lifebig cities' live is very convenience.

Also, there are muchmany chances to work.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Refinement of mass transports and high tax regulation to solve the congestion and environment damage [2]

Writing practice for Cambridge 8 - Test 3

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problem.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Traffic and pollution problems are become worse in the 10 recent years. Some government perceive that the best solution to overcome such issues is increasing the price of the gasoline which is one of the primary fuels. I personally cannot agree with this initiative solution because other ways such refinement of mass transports and high tax regulation can be more effective to solve the congestion and environmental damage of the motor vehicle uses.

The better quality and quantity of public transport such as train and bus should reduce the number of private car in the big cities. Most reason of citizen using car is that traveling by car is more comfortable, so government in this case have to provide such an excellent standard of those transport modes. Since 2005, Japan became one of the successful countries that reduce the high level of traffic problem and pollution by serving their people with high quality public services in trains, planes, even in buses. Despite this, expensive taxes that have to be paid by the car owners has significantly affected on lower tendency to use private car.

Another solution to address growing number of car and its damage impact is regulating high taxes. This should make workers with middle level of salary considering their choice to buy a private car more carefully. Tokyo is the best model of this regulation, which asks their people to pay the tax of a car as expensive as to rent an apartment for a year. Consequently, its citizens prefer to use train that costs cheaper than driving a private car. Having said that, the increasing petrol prices may be considered as the third solution not only to reduce congestion and emissions of carbon dioxide but also to preserve the source of fossil fuels around the world.

In conclusion, the best solution of traffic congestion and air pollution is not the high price of petrol, but it should be the providing qualified public transports and regulating high taxes of having motor vehicles. I suggest that the government of developing countries can apply this solution to improve their transport system and reduce amount of damaging gasses released.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Internet-based social networking sites are designed to help bring people together or bring drawbacks [2]

Internet-based social networking sites are designed to help bring people together. However, they have a negative effect on the way we communicate with one another.

Do you agree or disagree?


Most of people tend to use internet-based networking sites to communicate with others. Undoubtedly, this is because such sites provide easier ways to maintain human relationships. However, i agree that such communications should deteriorate individual ability to establish relationships offline and to have face-to-face interaction.

Building a networking online diminishes individual skill to socialize in the real condition. People who rely their relationships on the internet-based media accept less support in which they confront serious problem. A study performed by Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, has proven that using Line results in an increase of stressful level in people aged 21-45-year old. Despite this, a positive effect of online interactions is that people can obtain higher communication access to their family.

Another aspect which is affected by the Internet-based relationships is that teenagers are likely to have an online chat rather than real interaction. It is considered as a harmful effect because most of young people will face some difficulties when they want to have a direct speech with other. A study executed by the National Institute of Health found that youths who spend more than 10 hours on Facebook and twitter are more risky to fight other teenagers when they meet in the real situation. Meanwhile, other teens may be a good friendship with foreign youths via internet-based social media.

In conclusion, modern society may not be able to refuse the new way of establishing relationships like the Internet-based social networking, but they also have to aware with its drawbacks. I suggest that the Internet users should have better attitude and behaviour in order to create better online communities.
ekalamarsyari11   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Result of the survey on workmen's relations with the chiefs and colleagues [2]

it is important to present the graph here

The given pie charts provide information about the percentage of theworkmen's workers' relations with their chiefs and colleagues. The surveys is conducted in 20015 and 20092009 and 2015 .

Overall, it iscan be seen that working men tended to maintain very good relationships to their leaders and colleagues.

The data presentspresented that in 2005

Besides,despite this , in the next four years, the survey's resultshavehad no significant differences .
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Three goods exported from Someland in the past, and the future measured in billion dollars. [2]

The chart below gives information about Someland's main exports in 2005, 2015, and future projections for 2025.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The bar chart shows three goods exported from Someland in the past, and the future measured in billion dollars.
As seen, export for dairy products dominated Someland's export in 2015. This is projected to be overtaken by International tourism which will outnumber in 10 years later.

Almost 5 billion US dollars of dairy products were exported from Someland in the initial year. In the following year, this figure reached a peak at nearly 8 billion dollars which meant that is experiences the most significant increase among others by virtually 3 billion dollars although this is predicted to decrease slightly for over 7 billion dollars in 2015.

Another noticeable export over 3 different years is international tourism which presents an upward trend begun with over 6 billion dollars. This sector will become the highest number of Someland's exports in the former year which rises by 2 billion dollars during period given by the graph. Meanwhile, export of meat products will decline rapidly from 4 billion dollars to just under 3 billion dollars in the future projections.

(175 words)




ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Two billion people, at least in America, India and Southern East Asia, learn English worldwide [4]

Many aspects people get form Media

People can see the news update ...
=>People can read the latest news about what they are interest in.

There are several ways to express the something people like

which are supporters from football ...
=>such as what football supporters do due to their love to the favorite clubs.

the other thingS which are mania about religion.

I'M REALLY SORRY TO SAY THAT YOU HAVE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES RELATED TO BASIC GRAMMAR, PLEASE PAY MORE ATTENTIONS TO DEAL WITH IT.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary of TED The secret, social lives of bacteria (Bonnie Bassler) [4]

The microscopic organism on the earth ,contain ...
=> The microscopic organism on the earth that contains only few genetic materials is known as Bacteria

genes that together can encode all of ...
=> genes that work together to encode all of the traits to be heritage and expressed

they can conducted complex biological mechanism ...
=> they can conduct a complex biological mechanism including replication, respiration, and other complex live process by themselves.

...such as, digest food,produce vitamin, and even the ...
=> such as, digesting food,producing vitamin, and even remaining our immune systems to recognize the dangerous bacteria and keeping them out of our body.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - surveillance technologies provide individual tracking information [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Since early 21 century surveillance technologies such as tracking devices and security cameras have developed. Governments in this case aim to increase national security by using such technologies that help them monitoring ordinary people's activities although inhabitants' privacy should be disturbed because they are do not realized those undercover observation. However, I argue that the crime prevention technology can protect citizens from robberies and terrorism.

Closed-circuit television installation has become new security standard. As its size that is almost unaware CCTV is more effective than positioned some bodyguards. In the Great Britain widely uses of CCTV sake Metropolitan Police to solve and find out more than 100 robbers in 2011. In addition, this technology has decreased 30 percent crime rate in U.S.A for latest 5 years. Despite this, it is considered as expensive technologies so that those security cameras have not applied commonly in some developing countries in Africa and Asia.

Another device of surveillance technology is cell phone tracking that has used to prevent a country from terrorism. Almost no one can lose from such a tracking since mobile phone has become primary tool to have a communication around the world,. American Central Intelligence Agency has operated this technology to observe the number of suspicious activities that suspect as terrorism planning. Every phone's provider also has stored such specific data of each user in order to help governments spy on terrorism possibility that may be organized by their residents. Although those parties will keep every tracking fact, this protocol should interrupt humans' right for having freedom and private communication.

In conclusion, individual tracking information will not be exposed to public and it just keep in the secrecy storage while such important data may support to enhance national safety. For such reasons I do believe that the advantages of surveillance technology use overshadow its disadvantages.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is no doubt that everybody wants to be a famous person. Not everything is so great though. [5]

I believe there are more positive than negative of being a celebrity. => i think you have to mention exactly what such specific more positive or negative of being a celebrity in introduction paragraph

I will support my view with the example. => i think this sentence is supposed to omit

the Media always have an eye onoversee them

This is because, youths of their country make them as an idol =>you do not need to write comma in this sentence
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Task: A new way to grow bone [3]

Molly Steven is a head of a biomaterialsbio materials lab and she is one who really fascinated about material engineering.

Bone is one of the tissues in our body. => i presume this sentence does not complete

For example when the bones had fracture and we need to repair the bone crack, iliac crest harvest is the solution. => iliac crest harvest is needed to repair the bone crack.

The iliac crest procedures are takes some bone => pay more attention on your subject-verb agreement

The main idea is to inject underneath it a liquid
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Two major factors that influence happiness among young people: achievement at work and doing hobbies [3]

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The pie charts reveals information about different factors that make people aged under 30 years old and over 30 years old. As seen, there are two major factors that influence common people happiness, those are achievement at work and doing hobbies while younger people and older ones show diverse proportion for other aspects including having a good appearance and financial security.

The most enjoyable factors that make people happy are the achievement at work. Both age group under and over 30 years old argue that work achievement accounts for 31 and 32 percent on making them happy. Following this is doing hobbies that have 22 percent impact of happiness factors on younger people and 24 percent on older people.

Different reason comes from having a good appearance which has 18 percent effects on the happiness of people aged 30 years old. This is almost same proportion for financial security that affects 20 percent enjoyment of people over 30 years old. The other interesting aspects are traveling and being with family that make 15 percent gladness for cohort below 30 years old and 14 percent for another cohort.

(187 words)




ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / TEDX Finding work you love dont Follow your passion [5]

Most people in the world hard choosing ...
=>Most people in the world confront a difficulty to find out their future career because it is a complex problem.
you do not need to use comma in this kind of sentence
you also cannot add 'es' in an adjective word


Rightnow many people Focuses on wrong thing,
=> these days many people only focus on such a wrong thing
you are not allowed to write a capital letter like that

Majority of people have a same strategy to gotachieve the best career,
i suggest you to use word forms more properly
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED: Your Body is My Canvas [6]

Painting is the kind of art that usually painted the object on the canvas. But, there is a new method that painted directly on top of the object, physically on surface of the object.

i would like to write:
painting is widely known as an art work that uses canvas as its paint medium, but .......

Acrylic painting mademakes human as object of painting.

It skips the canvas, sothen it needusesto paint all of the body of object : ear, feet, cloothclothes as the mediumthat used by object.

you cannot use conjunction 'but' & 'and' after a full stop, they are used in the middle of a complex sentence to connect two words, phrases or sentences instead.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / A 3D-printed jumbo jet? A resume of a talk given by Bastian Schaefer [2]

This is a resume of a talk giving by Bastian Schaefer. Its original title is " A 3D-printed jumbo jet?". You can find his video in ted.

People cannot know about the future. We only have the visions about it. For instance humans have begun their future aeroplane since the early of 21st century when they built the first ocean plane. In fact, it was totally different from the actual plane. Bastian said that he has cooperated with Air Bus and constructed a future design of a plane that is more durable. They aim to provide some individual needs in the upcoming airplane such as more spaces, health promotion, more pleasure treats, more productive, and more facilities to use the latest technology. Therefore, they use a wide range of technologies to make it true, for example there are not more windows in the designed plane but it will be changed by natural light. Another effort is they should be find lighter material to put on the aircraft. Al in all, they promise about future aeroplanes that is completely different from those existed these days.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Just in the last two days there has been a temperature record in January for America. [2]

In the early for this topic explain about climate crisis. => you have no subject in this sentence.

there are always updates the recent conditions and learn ... => i am really sorry to say that i found this sentence is hard to follow

Just in the last two days there arehas been a Temperature change record ...
Some more bad news about the environment of people. => this sentence is not complete

This ishas been contributing in global ...

Many sourcesforof the pollutions .=>again, this sentence is not complete
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Spammy Pokemon Go Apps Being Pushed to Millions of iPhones [2]

This is a summary from wired article. Its original title is "Hack Brief: Beware the Spammy Pokemon Go Apps Being Pushed to Millions of iPhones".

Apple users should know the pros and cons of downloading Pokémon Go. The latest study from Trend Micro revealed three party stores that have been deceiving iPhone users. Two of them are Haima, which is based in China, and the Vietnam-based HiStore. Both companies create fake apps related to the popular apps like Pokémon Go then promote the phony apps on social media. These bogus apps are prone to find even on Apple's App Store and Google Play Store.

Apple launched an application of cleanup to overcome this drawback in order to revoke the certificates from useless apps that have been downloaded. However, it was counterfeited fraudulently as soon as the original version has been started marketing.

These kinds of scam apps can infect phone's data with diverse malware. Therefore, one of the solutions to solve this problem is that the developers should protect their apps more carefully and make them more difficult to be hacked by the malicious parties. On the other side, the consumers should only buy their apps from official stores which are trusted.

wired/2016/09/hack-brief-beware-spammy-pokemon-go-apps-pushed-millions-iphones/
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, felling the trees is used by the industry to complete the material needed. [4]

felling the trees

To cutcutting down the trees means ...

The treeshadesshade tree is a critical point both ...

EventuallyIn conclusion ,

to do deforestation or reforestation is depending depended on the people.

But every step we do to the environment ...
=>but, Every single action we do now will have an impact to the next generation in the future
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: Forget shopping. Soon you'll download your new clothes [2]

This is a resume of a talk giving by Danit Peleg. Its original title is "Forget shopping. Soon you'll download your new clothes". You can find his video in ted.com

Danit Peleg is a designer for three-dimensional clothes. She was inspired to make the three-dimensional clothes when she was invited to an event and she had nothing special or new to wear on it. She, therefore, designed a skirt and printed it by the 3-D printing over the night before the event. Then she stitched it in the next morning. Danit admitted that it was not her first time to print the cloth because she has printed it in the senior design school.

In nine months, she has finished her five clothes designs and she made all of them from home. However, her roommates did not like what she did. Hence, Danit has begun to work with a big machine and experimented with a lot of new materials. She also tried diverse techniques to create her unique fashion project.

According to Denit's talks, everybody can design and print their clothes directly from home. She believes that 3-D printing will improve just like other technologies. Thus, people can print the 3-D fabric in a couple of hours or even only in minutes.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this modern era, we are unknowingly using products which create a lot of useless material [4]

i would like to focus on your introduction paragraph

Today the most serious problem is ...

in the introduction paragraph you should do this:
- paraphrase the question
- give your clear opinion to answer the questions

therefore, i am really sorry to say that i did not find those points in your introduction paragraph.

here is my alternative paragraph:
Waste has become the most serious problem around the world. Industrial and household waste are the major contributors. In my opinion, Government has an important role to overcome this issue. Some regulations should be carried out immediately such as..........
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / A leader should become an open-minded person rather than having strong opinions [3]

... his or her own mind, but others do notthink the reserve .

I would consider that the leader should be more open-minded rather ...

... and always listens from different opinions

the team may result inarguing argue withfor opposite perspectives

In other words, no one would preferwants to work with a leader (...) is right, whichor one who is arrogant and rigid.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Making decisions without hesitation always bring a better choice - TOEFL Independent Essay [2]

it always make wrong decide because of they usually hesitate and scare their decision is wrong. =>i really sorry to say that this sentence is hard to understand. , you used 5 verb and only 2 conjunctions

humans always prone to stay in a comfortable zone=> you should insure that you use appropriate subject-verb agreement.

The moreMoreover , Lily thinks , the more scared she feels and then she gave up her dream. => when she feels more fear, she loses her dream

i noticed some major mistakes in your essay, therefore here are my suggestions:
- use every world form properly, maybe you should check it in the dictionary
- assure that you put appropriate verb for every subject in your sentences.
- try to make common sentence in English
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / A summary : Why ordinary people need to understand power [2]

This is a resume of a talk giving by Eric Liu. Its original title is "Why ordinary people need to understand power". You can find his video in ted.com

According to Eric's talk, most people in the world and particularly in America these days are illiterate of civics. They think power is a terrible term that is had by a big company or government. In fact, they have attempted to ignore the civic power and politic issue. As a consequent, American people have limited knowledge of civics, civic engagement, participation and awareness. Eric believes that all of citizens have to confront this problem by being aware that civics is a teaching of power. Why is it so important? It is because I the past civics had been profound inequality. Therefore, civics is also important to make people wake up from their ignorance today.

Indeed, power is belonging to local people wherever they are. They can do positive action because of their power. For instance, general people in China have established an organisation to fight official corruption there and it has inspired activist around the world. Hence, people over the seas need to share their power and teach each other about civics in order to rebuild ordinary power worldwide.
ekalamarsyari11   
Sep 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The government should use the money invested in arts to spent in public services [5]

i would like to focus on your introduction paragraph

here is my suggestion:
A portion of society believes that government should use the money invested in arts to spent in public services. In fact, arts are important to express local cultures and should be concerned by the government. This essay will discuss both the importance of the arts to the population and, the necessity of art's investment.

instead of making some complex sentences you should consider the understandable of your sentence.

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