Writing Feedback / Writing: The high sales of popular consumer goods/ advertising as extremely powerful tool [15]


I don't understand what your question is.... what do you mean by "showing a prompt in this topic? " ... that's not clear to me :(


What both dumi and I tried to convince you was that your prompt deviates slightly from the way you have introduced your topic. You talk about consumer preferences (I guess that is what you mean by "the tastes of consumers", but not their buying decisions which is what your prompt means.

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea Application Essay! 'effects of diversity and the sociological perspective' [2]


You repeat the "raising" part couple of times in these two lines and too frequently. I feel you better rephrase these sentences to enhance their effect. This is what I suggest;

Growing up in Southern California as a biracial individual, I have been raised with a great understanding and appreciation for diversity in this world. This background of mine also nurtured my desire to help people who are in need.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: BENEFICIAL INTERNET AND TRAFFIC CONGESTION; encyclopedia of human [3]

First of all, it cannot be denied that the Internetinternet has revolutionizedthe way people used to communicatepeople's communication. Despite the risk of social isolation - a problem occasionally occurs when a peopleperson spend too much time for interneton the internet rather than making physical relationshipsrelating to people in the real world.

Writing Feedback / Writing: The high sales of popular consumer goods/ advertising as extremely powerful tool [15]


Let's have a look;


It means that advertising tempt people to buy stuff that they do not really need. For example, you have a very good car which is in very good condition and you are happy with it. However, the advertisements may tempt you to go for a newer car although you do not have a real requirement for that . That is what your prompt means :)

Writing Feedback / It is better to have a broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one [6]


This is pretty weak as a hook. You need a strong hook which is more catchy and meaningful to open your essay so that it would grab readers' attention towards your writing :(

In my opinion, it is better to have a wide range of academic knowledge and I will elaborate why I agree with the statement and give reasons and explanations.

The latter part is not adding any value to your essay. The reader anyway expects you to defend your position :)

Scholarship / If you had time with one ALIVE famous person what would you talk to them about? [3]


Well, we have no clue about what sort of personality you are looking at or who are your role models. So, it is difficult to give you any suggestions in this regard. However, you've got to do some research along your interest lines and find a person who's still alive :D There should be many if you really get on the track :) However, in politics and religion, it may be pretty hard to find one ...LOL

Scholarship / Short essay - financial aid scholarship; why i need this; to reduce my loan amount. [4]

I have applied for (no comma)an education loan from nationalized(is this the name of the bank? If so start with capital letter) bank in my country for $xxxxxxx with interestpayable in ??? months with interest in order to cover my educationthe cost of my education.And myMy parents are sponsoringwould sponsor $xxxxxx from their savings for my educational expense, theThis scholarship will be very helpful tofor me to reduceease off the burden of my education loan and its interest.

Essays / Essay plan - It is possible for older people continue to work? [6]


I think you do not need this line in your intro. Have a look at dumi's suggested structure for your intro. It is very logical and help you include all necessary features in your essay contents that would earn you a good score.

My advice for you is to conclude your introduction with a statement expressing your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial discovery in last 100 years - internet invention; many impacts [7]

In India, the Internetinternet was not commonly used in the past by people due to unawareness and economic factors. However today it is used widely by my nation's populace.the Indians. It has given all together different diversionimpacted our society a lot be itto shopping channels by promoting online shoppingeducation, administration and so forth.

Writing Feedback / Begin learning EL at primary rather than secondary school?Advantages outweigh disadvantage [4]

First of all, at primary school,younger the brain of children caneasier and quicker to learn aadapt to new langguage more quickly and easily. They are still programed to have the ability to repeat the sounds naturally, it facilitatewhich is a key for learning another language. Unlikeunlike adults who are learning English by trying toremember memorize more and more new words. self-consciously.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]


Secondly, the one becomes stronger when he or she faces lots of hardships and learns lessons from those experiences.


What is the relevance of this idea to your prompt? Your prompt talks about keep trying and never stop working.
Follow the guideline that dumi has suggested for your introduction :)

Scholarship / Factors and challenges in my life; find purpose in this world [7]

When I was 8 years old my family and I went to visited my grandma (tell where- which country?.; sheisShe was into farming and very independent in naturea farmer and dependent on nature. She was sad because a drought had ruined all the crops.without any crops she could not be ableShe was struggling to pay her utilities bills without the crop that she used to sell. didn't know how to achieve it.

Writing Feedback / Hand work culture elimination is the 1st thing that would be cherished by human [4]


Use of machineriesmachines isare less time consuming. Theyit can complete a task in few minutes or hours.much shorter time compared to the time taken for doing it by hands On the other hand the same task would demand hundreds of people and double time(you already talked about time).

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Should we only watch movies that can teach us something about real life? [2]

Ok, let me also help you with intro :)
Let's have a look at your prompt -


Movies are a great form of entertainment for people. (hook - relevant, short and catchy)
However, some people argue that not every movie is worth watching. According to them, the movies that deliver some meaningful insights about real life are the ones that are worth watching (Background)

I too agree with this idea (Thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The internet provides people with a lot of valuable info or problems? [5]

I think you better pay more attention to your essay structure. As it is , your essay looks a bit too lengthy and you may not be able to manage time for the task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Modern buildings vs traditional buildings [5]

Your essay seem to be pretty long. I wonder whether you were able to handle time well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Pros and Cons - advertisement - has become integral part of modern society's life [5]

Well, your essay seem to be pretty lengthy. Have you been able to manage it within 30 mins? If not you need to pay lots of attention to that because this task is time bound.

Writing Feedback / When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. [3]

Your body paras need specific examples to support your reasoning.

Graduate / Short SOP for advertising School ( word Limit 120 words max.) [3]


Well, I feel the SOP needs to be presented more creatively because it is the best opportunity for the admission people to know you as a person. So you've got to impress them. I am copying a guideline that dumi suggests for SOPs;

1. Your Background
2. How your interest developed in your area of study
3. How you pursued your interest (here you can talk about your education, research etc.)
4. What are your future goals
5. How will this program help you achieve your future goals
6. Final summary.

Writing Feedback / Tobacco and alcohol are drugs. Should made legal or illegal? [4]

Gone are the days,Peoplethat people rarely drinkdrank alcohol and consumed tobacco but today, most of people they even can not imagine their life without alcohol and drugs.Simultaneously, some are remain themselves as an abstemious.Both these products arehave never been good for health. However, people are consuming these to givethem for socializing themselves in the company toof their friends, bodily comfortrelieving body pains, relaxation and as well as to live luxurious life.

You need to pay lots of attention to grammar!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Different views about the rising consumption of consumer products [4]


People have different opinions about encouraging people to consume more.
While some people argue that it is beneficial to the economy, I personally believe that it has a negative effect on society as the consumption increased.

Try to include specific examples in your body paras to justify your reasoning. We recommend one reason per body para.

Undergraduate / BYU SOAR PROGRAM ESSAY #1: provide a biographical sketch that highlights experiences.. [3]


I come from a Hispanic family. My mother Karla was only 17 when she had my sister ?????(name of your sister) from my father Hugo.


To add on to their troubles, I was born two years later on the 21st April 1997

Growing up Mymy role wasn't to be the little sister but the big sister.
whenWhen my sister started pre-school so did iI , even Ifif I wasn't old enough yet. I had a hard Timetimeunderstanding everything since Spanish was my first language.communicating with others since Spanish was the language spoken at home.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]

Hi, I waswritewrote this prompt for three times.
I wrote / I was writing (past tense)
I write / I am writing (present tense)


I admire your keenness on improving your writing :) However, it is good if you included the graph here too ... too lazy to go back to those link and have a look :D

The bar chart gives information about annual Gross Domestic Products growth rates of wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers in a-fourfour consecutive decades (specify the years because it is a must in intro)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - Media invading public figures privacy. [3]


News can be defined
This is pretty weak as a hook. Your opening sentence, the hook, should be strong enough to grab the readers' attention towards your writing. So you need to have a more interesting,catchy sentence which has a relevance to your topic. This idea needs to be presented with more clarity. This one sounds pretty confusing :(


You need to improve on the structure of introduction.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - Historical building or new building [3]


This is a poor hook :( What does it try to tell the reader? You need to open your essay with an interesting , catchy sentence ( of course it needs to be relevant to your topic too) that can grab the reader's attention to your writing. If you have an issue with writing a good hook, just avoid it and start with introducing the background of your issue. I don't think it can have a big damage on your score card :D

However, the rest is fine and you follow a good structure for intro :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 [8]


... Well this sentence is quite appropriate for your introductory para for this task. Only it has a few grammar issues and also you can improve its presentation;

The pie charts illustrate the information on three different age groups in Yemen and Italy for the year 2000 and projections for 2050.
Follow dumi's suggested structure. You need to have an intro (the above sentence), Overview and Details separately.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: full-time education for young people 18 and below; agree or disagree [5]

Well, I feel it is better if you have a hook statement in the intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - transport and car use in Edmonton [3]

Follow dumi's suggestion for this task, :)


This task is to assess your report writing skills and therefore it is better if you adopt a more appropriate tone for report writing. :)
As per the pie chart, car had been the most popular vehicle used by 45% of the people. The LRT has recorded 35% usage.


I don't find a table in your image. Better you upload that too :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I : US Crude Oil Imports (15 countries) [6]

A more detailed look at the table comparesshows that the overall imports in numbers was not always similar. Between June and July 2008, Iraq comingcame up as the sixth largest oil exporter to the US by exportingcounty exporter reached to approximately 700 thousand barrels crude oil each month. However, the The nine countries exportsexported crude oil in a range of 107 to 640 thousand barrels towards US.

Writing Feedback / The chart shows the leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. [3]

You seem to be following a good structure. However, your body paras should contain more details and statistics.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay: Values and Beliefs, is it okay to say something involving religion? [4]

Well, I don't think it is a bad idea to talk about your religious beliefs. However, the focus should be set on you and not on your religion. I mean, you should put it like they are beliefs that are greatly influenced by your religion. Then it would be alright. In nutshell, you should not talk about the religion, but your beliefs that have been influenced by the religion :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT (Task-1): You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work [4]


Well, you are supposed to write a letter to your manager and therefore it is better your letter take a more formal tone as it is something to do with your office or work place. So, "Dear Mr Ali" would be more appropriate instead of "Dear Ali" in this case, even in some officers employees call each other in their first names.


Well, the main idea is that you have not been able to spend some quality time with your family for sometime and you wish to do so by taking them to this place. Give more focus to the reason which is that you want to be the family.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 (Diagrama) - The Process of Cement and Concrete Production. [4]


There are two diagrams and better you introduce both of them in the intro.
I like the structure you have followed. However, I like if you had a little bit more details in the body paras.
Overall, this is written very well. Try some different topics under this task because this is not a very common type of question.

Writing Feedback / I stole my friend's money; learn from my makes mistakes!! [4]


Some are big mistakes while some are simple. Whatever the level of impact, we eventually learn lessons from every mistake.


This sentence is incomplete :(
For example, when you do not do your homework, you will find it is very hard to remember what is being taught.


... wrong grammar :(
First, I did a big mistake when I was a kid by stealing money from a friend of mine.

Writing Feedback / Celebrities benefits obtained through their popularity largely outweigh the issues tackled by them [3]

However, in my personal opinion, celebrity peoplecelebrities are often experiencing favourable conditions in every aspect of their life rather than being surrounded by issues.

Excellent introduction :)


The first part doesn't flow well. Also, I think it is not necessary to repeat too. You can start with the reason ;
First, the celebrities lead very comfortable and luxurious lives because they are paid very high.
It's better not to beat around the bush, but write to the point. Also, I strongly suggest you to follow one particular pattern for all your essays (I mean practice essays) so that your mind would be trained to do that and you'd be able to save lots of time at the exam. (this is just a tip) So, have some ready made phrases with you for each paragraph (e.g. First, In conclusion, In my personal view etc. ) :D

You write well, the above are just a few things to polish your writing further. You don't have to worry about this task ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 question. 'Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant..' [5]

Let's give a look at your body paras;


This too needs improvement in terms of structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Visitors should follow local behavior or not ? [7]


PEOPLE is a plural word meaning a collection of men/women. So, it should be "people want"
man wants/ men want/ people want

Well, this introduction fails to introduce your topic theme. That is the main objective of the introduction. I strongly recommend you to follow dumi's suggestion for intro.

Writing Feedback / task-2 General ielts- Industrial pollution is increasing all around the world. [6]


As a measure to arrest this issue, I believe that the government should not allow any industry to operate in the residential areas in a city.


The government should highly regulate industries by implementing laws and conducting strict supervisions on them in view of safe guarding the lives of people living in close proximity to such factories.

Writing Feedback / The Boy whose Parents were Murdered by Life [6]


Just a few days ago, he was a happy little kid surrounded by his loved ones.


...Good sentence :)
The only thing one can do is gojust move with the flow.

I like your writing style. However, it is not clear as to why you wrote this. It's good to include a line to tell us the purpose of your writing (on the top before you start the essay) so that we get a better understanding about your writing and accordingly provide you with better feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / CONDITIONING STYLES; Child conditioning [3]


From the moment people are born, they begin to learn things and this learning process continues till the day they die.


This learning can happen through the help of learning institutions, for example schools and other kinds of educational institutions and programs, or mere life experiences and life demands that they need to fulfill in order to survive.