Undergraduate / A letter to me--Commonapp main essay [5]

...bringing the three must-have travelling items equipments I had have been putting in your luggage for the last eighteen years.
I am intrigued at the beginning of this essay!!

I think that long paragraph should be divided into 2 paragraphs.

I like this sentence a lot:


...the great philosopher , Zhuzi, who lived among ...

...to alleviating alleviate the pains pain that brought to his mother by worries toward pertaining to him.

I'll add a dash here:
It's in the most portable form -- a word, actually: BELIEF.
This is one of my favorite essays ever! Very good stuff, enjoyable to read.

Essays / 'Democracy and Rhetoric' - What to write about?! [3]

Hi! If I got to choose a topic to write about, I could not think of a better topic than this. What is democracy? What is rhetoric?

Democracy is impossible without rhetoric, and rhetoric is inherent in democracy. If you know what these words mean, you will see how interesting this assignment is.

The first thing to do is write about each word so that you have a paragraph about each. Cite a source about the meaning of democracy, and cite another source about the meaning of rhetoric. Then, with these definitions in mind, start reading those speeches.

After each speech you read, write a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence.

Undergraduate / "Seeing my mother alive" - meaningful event [3]

You can change the whole second paragraph to the present verb tense, or you can keep it past tense. If you keep it past tense, fix this:

As the creaking in the hallway got louder, my anxiety level rose. It felt as if he was a mile away, and would never reach my room. Finally I see saw...

Again here: After what seemed like hours, he tells told me my...
or
After what seems like hours, he tells me my...---but if you do this you have to change all the verbs in the paragraph so that they are present tense.

My mother went through years of physical therapy, and can now walk without any assistance whatsoever. -----I'm so glad!!! That is better than the result I expected when I read the word coma. I'm happy for you and your resilient family.

The whole experience taught me so many lessons that have helped me to this day. ---Okay. but this is not enough reflection. I want you to be ale to condense all this material and tell the story in 1/2 the number of words, and that way you will be able to spend a whole paragraph giving the "moral of the story."

Undergraduate / "Expressing my inner world through dance" - UNC Short Essay [4]

Hi! I don't like the beginning. The word inherent is usually used to refer to something that automatically comes with something else. For example, argument is inherent in the process of litigation. I sort of think it would be better just to do this:

Music is inherent in my soul, and this Ardor for rhythm is what led me to take up ...

but I now understand that as long as I am dancing, I will be content, and I only hope to continually relay this joy to my audience----- excellent!

The risk is very impressive... I think this is a good example to use for this essay. Other than the beginning, I would not want to change a thing.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Engineering (fantasies + inventions and discoveries)- Brown Uni. [5]

Although some of us think a hamster launching trebuchet is a hilarious idea, others would find it offensive. Can you think of another noun to replace hamster?

This part needs to be trimmed:
Ever since antiquity, mankind's achievements have been recorded in our inventions and discoveries. Indeed, the very The passage of history is a...------If you do this, I will like the intro a lot more. That does not mean everyone would agree with me! But I did not like the first sentence, because inventions and discoveries are types of achievements... and although the meaning is clear, it is also too obvious.

And one last suggestion:
I intend to take up Biomedical engineering because it is the field with the most potential for _______ _________.
(add a specification to this sentence. Potential for what?)

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Paying more money is the only motivation to make employees work harder... [3]

This is a great thread!

I see that dumi crossed out "or not" but it could have "or not" if you wanted it to. I like it dumi's way, but your way was not wrong. I just wanted to tell you, because you have great grammar.

Here is another idea. Again, your way is not wrong, but this might be a little better:
Nevertheless, I believe that creating an enjoyable working environment is a more realistic and essential way to increase productivity and improve employee performances.

Take Google for example; the company offers recreation rooms and extra personal leaves for their workers to develop a more relaxing and supportive workforce.

Undergraduate / "Stuck in the Moment"--Common application question [3]


I don't know if this is a good sentence to include. It makes it sound like you were speeding, which is seriously irresponsible given the number of auto fatalities each year. So... it makes you look bad to the reader!

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. ----This also does not help. I don't want to have eyou be dishonest, ut it is probably good to tell the reader some good, impressive things.

The detail about the skunk seems arbitrary.

Not because I thought I was going to die but because I thought my mom was going to take each and every single one of my privileges away.---Ahh! Terrible! What about the deer? You really are batting zero when it comes to writing an essay that will impress the reader.

Alright, the bottom line is that the essence of this essay could be conveyed with just two sentences: I wrecked my mom's car and thought she would punish me severely, but she was compassionate. From this I learned ________... and continue the essay from here. All the rest of what you have written makes a bad impression! Sorry to be critical. :-)

Undergraduate / "Tragedy stuck my family" - Significant Challenge - short answer [4]

My world changed that year; I had to learn to grow up and cope with the circumstances.-----This is a sentence I would change if it was my essay. I would want to end the first paragraph with a very unique idea for the reader to consider for a moment as the theme for the essay. As it is now, this sentence seems like the main idea, and it is not very powerful.

(missing a word) can still remember the phone ...

...couldn't change what had happened, but I ...

So... please change the last sentence of BOTH paragraphs, and make it so that this essay leaves the reader with a unique, impressive insight. Change those sentences so that the reader gets to share your most interesting insight that resulted from the experience.

:-) I hope your Dad is doing well now!!

Writing Feedback / Human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more than saving land [4]

Dumi made a good correction here, especially at the beginning. Here is a way you could use "contemporary if you wanted to:
Contemporary society consists of humans that destroy the forests, seas and mountains, more and more endangered animals can not back home.

I think I like the way dumi did it, though, with "Today"

Saving The land that should be saved for endangered animals has been disappearing.

Do not use the word live here. Use "life." People must improve their life quality.

Or you can write: People must improve their quality of life. (This way is better)

This is good----> Good quality of life can improve people's initiative to work.
This is another great sentence: They decide that use these lands to safeguard endangered animals.

Finally, I think economic is the key ----This does not make sense.
Finally, I think manipulating economic factors is the key to improving the situation.

Now humans, as the dominant animals on the earth, are the only ones who can protect endangered animals and give them better environments.

:-)

Undergraduate / "dismissed from the college as a result of meager grades" - Readmission essay [5]

The good news is that this essay shows excellent writing skill. You can't write well if you are unable to think well, so this proves your ability.

I think this paragraph should be changed: After I was dismissed from the school my parents convinced me to... Do not talk about parents convincing you to attend community college. Talk about wanting to dedicate yourself entirely to your studies, and talk about experimenting with the various study methods you tried. Regardless of how you scored at community college, describe it as a process by which you perfected your approach and learned how to conquer every academic challenge in a methodical, systematic way.

*** People work 8 to 10 hours each day, so it is not too difficult to spend 3 solid hours in the library 3 days each week. That is usually enough to become a star student. I'm talking about 9 EXTRA hours of studies each week.

:-)

Undergraduate / On Religious Faith and Conviction: UT Transfer Essay of Importance [4]

I don't think it is necessary to bring religion into it. I don't think Socrates' wisdom is something that conflicts with Christianity... he accepted his punishment as a matter of personal conviction about morality in society, not really as a religions martyr. Unless... am I wrong? Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

Oh, as I continue to read, I see that religion is a major topic of the essay. So, i guess you have to include it, but it seems wrong in that first paragraph to act as though it is difficult to reconcile Christianity with respect for Soc.

The second paragraph makes a weak argument. I am not challenging what you are saying, but... it is probably not a good idea to include that argument. No offense to your mom, but there is a big difference between a god-concept and a historical figure from just 150 years ago.

A better argument is the one C.S. Lewis makes in the beginning of the book Mere Christianity. Another good argument is this: The raw materials for the Big Bang could not have come into existence without something having created them. Something must have existed naturally in the universe, uncaused by anything else. That which existed without being created by anything else is maybe what we can call god.

I like the ending! I think you should change the first paragraph so that it is about this concept of not being so different from a child of parents of a different religion or no religion.

:-)

Undergraduate / China, the journey of a lifetime (short common app answer) [4]

One more thing! Make it parallel verb structure:
Living in China showed me another perspective into the ways of the people in our world and has pushed me to discover more about who I want to grow into as a person.

(Living... made and -----> pushed)

I guess I don't like the first sentence, because "of a lifetime" is a cliche.

In general, though, this is a great approach to answering this prompt.

:-)

Undergraduate / 1) Bagels and Smiles 2)My Slice of Pie --- Common App or UC Essay [5]

I don't think "aspire to inspire" is good...
It sounds silly, I guess. :-)

Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club.----Right here, I think you should start a new paragraph.

I like the second essay a lot. I like the intro... very cool combinations of words.
With a strange accent --- Is this detail necessary? I think it complicates the meaning of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My grandmother diagnosed with lung cancer," Loyola significant influence [2]


To say "one experience" implies "one of several." But when you say "most," it is superlative.. so there is only one.. So you should write, "The experience that..."

Let's make it so that the stuff on each side of the semi-colon could be a complete sentence:
It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through; seeing someone so loving and caring go through such torture, the fact that and there is I could do you nothing to help her made the situation even worse.

This is highly significant to me because I lived with her my whole life and she taught me so much about life.---- This sentence is too vague. At the end of the first paragraph, give a sentence that contains the message of the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Music is a necessity for me" - Stanford: future roommate short essay [4]

Hello,

This essay has some good concepts, but the structure needs some work. If you start a paragraph with this sentence,"Music is a necessity for me, especially when studying," then it should be the topic of the paragraph. But when you get to saying this, "shocked myself to find I already completed my calculus homework or biology project while the entire time I had been analyzing the latest story for my English class and mentally drafting an essay," it seems you have veered away from music and made it a paragraph about your mind multitasking. But why talk about any of that?

I don't think it is bad to talk about those things, but there should be one overarching theme for the essay, and all the stuff you mention should relate to it somehow.

What is the main message you want the reader to remember about you?

:-)

Undergraduate / "the Canzonetta Youth Orchestra" - UIUC Essay 2: my trip to france [4]

Ah! This is perfect. I don't want to recommend any changes, because it has great energy that you might mess up if you start making changes. This is as good as an extra curricular activity can get, because it really expresses a meaningful idea that the reader can benefit from sharing.

If it is important to get it down to 300 words, I guess you will have to cut some of this Upon our arrival in Toulouse, we were taken in a bus to the Conservatory, where we were welcomed by a brass quintet and the entire Conservatory. It was extraordinary how welcoming and excited they were to see us.

Undergraduate / collecting tears because of heart-touching works -commonApp essay [8]


I don't get it. When did the grandmother die? Is that why she was being covered by snow?

I like this essay a lot. I hope you have a chance to read about the "genuine heart of sadness" in a book called Shambhala by Trungpa.

You write very well, so it is hard to find mistakes. If you want to improve your already-good grammar, you can make a little change here:

My emotional sensitivity makes me the person in whom my friend s confide when they are going through a tough time.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Academic Decathlon" - Common App Extracurricular Essay [4]

Remove either the word both or the word alike from that first sentence. They have the same function, so it is redundant to use them both.

In the second sentence, just remove that word alike.

Although my application had been denied when I first applied as incoming freshman, such a failure inspired me to improve as a stronger student and team member alike .

This is well written, but it really will get a lot better if you can find a way to mention a few things you want to DO in the next year or two, and also things you want to do professionally. If you have intentions for the future, they'll be reflected in what you write.

:-)

Undergraduate / location, diversity, opportunities, and weather - "Why Stanford" [3]

Your first paragraph is not very strong. I see that you write well, and I don'[t mean to be criticial, but I want to point out that the first paragraph seems to have been a "warmup" that you did before becoming inspired.

Do not talk about the location, or any other obvious things. Only talk about what makes you unique. This is where it gets good:
My love of children, interest in helping people, and fascination with the human mind became apparent to me at the start of my junior year, and by... (very interesting stuff here... so how can we replace "became" with an action verb?)

It seems to end abruptly. Maye that is because you must stay within a word count. Well, I recmmend scrapping the first paragraph, so you can have room for a good, evaluative conclusion. Evaluate your intentions for the next 12-24 months as you write a conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Habitat for Humanity Common App Short Answer [7]

Here is a lesson called "less is more"
It would be better if the second half of the first sentence was shorter. :-)
Like this:
...to when I first opened the Swiss-Almond Valspar paint can and dipped my four inch wide industrial paint brush into the undisturbed, fresh pool of paint.

Do you agree that killing some of those modifiers can intensify the reader's experience?

Hey, you have some great accomplishments...
With this sentence, I would like to have a little change involving the addition of an action verb: During my junior year, I founded a HFHYU chapter at my school, and since then it grew to include over fifty members.

And... this has a nice ending!

Undergraduate / "Being a twin" University of Madison App [4]

Growing up, I've always had one person there for me, someone that knows me from the inside out. A person that knows my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and has been there for me through tragedies and helped me dodge obstacles. I've had a person that has been a devoted friend to me for eighteen years; someone to laugh, cry, play, and blow my birthday candles out with This sentence is too cheesy.

This person is my twin brother. Consider ending the first paragraph with a sentence that contains more meaning. Otherwise, it is a waste of an opportunity to leave the reader with an idea to think about between para #1 and para #2.

:-)

Being a twin is something that I take great pride ... part of his and we have shaped and molded each other to be the people that we are today. ---All this stuff is insubstantial. If you read it again, you'll see what I mean. It contains no meaningful, interesting idea.

This is where it becomes meaningful:
Although being a twin has positive aspects, there are certain downfalls too. Ever since I can remember Parker has been the one that has excelled academically while I have always fell a little short, and I have excelled athletically .

And throughout the rest of the essay, you write well but you have too much story and not enough self-evaluation... not enough self-analysis. You should use the theme of being a twin to help you distinguish what makes you unique... and tell about your intentions.

Also, at the end you could use words that provide an experience for the reader... instead of "attributes to help me succeed in the future," you could talk about a PARTICULAR goal that these attributes could help you achieve.

Undergraduate / Interest in Medicine/Rutgers Essay [5]

Hi Boris, I notice that you are one of our essayists with a high level of skill...
Despite the fact that you have deep understanding of composition, you seem to be giving people only a single sentence of feedback. i.e. you might have invested only 30 seconds to write your comment here: "A blessing in disguise" UF Admissions Essay

I don't think it should say "had a severe stage of..." but instead maybe it should say she "was experiencing an advanced stage of..."

Here is another problematic sentence: "After questioning and scolding my mother for leaving her job, she explained to me that America would provide better opportunities for the whole family." ---Do you mean that she explained this "after having been questioned and scrutinized..."?

Right now, you have dedicated only one sentence at the end of the essay to answering their question. I think you should dedicate a whole paragraph to answering it. Know what I mean? They ask a specific question, and you gave a lot of story but only one sentence of a response to their question.

One good idea might be to take that last sentence of the essay and move it to the beginning, or maybe to the end of the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / (volunteering) COMMON APP -- General Essay, significant achievement, risk [4]

I think it is supposed to be utmost instead of upmost.

What is the most important message to the reader? Is it this?


What do you want the reader to be thinking about when finishing up the essay. I think you can change some sentences... maybe the first and last sentences of some of the paragraphs... in a way that plants an important message in the reader's mind... a message based on a particular theme.

Also, it is good to go back and try to cut out at least 3 sentences. Try to cut out the least important details. Get this essay focused on the UNIQUE theme, so that the reader will associate you with this theme. Most importantly, mention your current plan for what you will be doing in the next 12-24 months... maye as part of the conclusion of the essay you can bring the reader's attention back to what is going on now as you apply for college.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The pen is mightier than the sword": Elaborate on an extracurricular activity [4]

As a child, I couldn't just read notes, like as if they were simple English, like so many others did.---I just made a small change here.

Excellent sentence here: Despite this, I loved playing anyways - it was therapeutic, magical even, to have my emotions transform into a concrete melody.
Could have could've

Almost every sentence is interesting!!
These seem all about magic... a magic word to combat negative emotions.. the magic of music. It makes me have a strange, surreal feeling while reading them.

Hey, I think most of the brilliant musicians do not read music so well. Being able to read music well is not a major requirement. Check out this as an example of something that requires more than just the ability to read music:

youtube.com/watch?v=obFL7rsN88Q

(You also have to be a little crazy)

Undergraduate / "an experience worth the try" - why Chicago?? [3]

My answer is yes for a simple reason, my sincere and true hope for knowledge and opportunities.---This is still not as good as if you mention a specific interest... any specific career goal or artistic goal. You may mean these words, but they still represent a general idea that anyone could express. At the end of that first paragraph it would be great to see a sentence that is about a totally unique idea.

You have a really nice way of writing, but the "specificity" part is lacking. What if you could plan your approach to your chosen career? What if Chicago was the perfect place to do it? Tell me about the resources and clubs at this school that will be more useful to you as you begin this process of becoming an expert in your chosen field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Everyone belongs to many different communities... (about 250) [2]

Hi, I think this is a good opportunity to learn about the way to refine your writing by increasing efficiency. The ideas you introduce are fascinating... your life is fascinating, so the essay can be more intense if you say it in fewer words:

Born in Port Elizabeth, South Africa and lived there for eight years before immigrating to the USA. Being born into a I spent my first eight years growing up in a white family in South Africa -- an ethnic minority in the upper economic class. and also in the economic majority. I was raised In a post apartheid society, where people of all races could live and work together, attend school together, and enjoy the same beaches and public facilities, I learned _________.

That is how to "intensify."

In the second half of the essay, you tell about many interesting things but I cannot find a central theme, a message to the reader. What is the main impression you want to make on the reader?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Laws should not be rigid. Instead, they should be flexible enough ....... [3]

Laws are formed for the benefit of the people living in the country. It is therefore t heir responsibility to accept in accordance with laws and obey them.

In this sentence, the word "promote" should not have an s on the end: One cannot control the recklessness,crimes, havoc and many more unfavorable activities which promotes great disturbance without the help of laws.

(Take the s off of promote)
An activity promotes...
Several activities promote...
A car transports people.
Several cars transport people.
A bike smell like fruit.
The bike smells like fruit.
Those bikes smell like fruit.
It is hard to get familiar with the way s is used in English!

Here is an excellent sentence: For some nations we can still see the monarchy, where laws are rigid and fixed, which may promote the growth of the country, but is it conducive in an individual growth? *** very good...

Capitalize the A: are Are the people of that those countries are happy?

Undergraduate / My Later Rain Greater than my Former... [4]

Today I have peace knowing that, although my mother was not perfect had flaws, she al so loved me. ----see if you like this sentence the way I changed it.

That is a gift that keeps on giving long after the giver is gone.----The gift that keeps on giving is kind of a cliche. Maybe you can think of an original way to express the same idea.

What does this (very intriguing) title mean? My later rain greater than my former...
This essay seems to be all one paragraph. You should try writing about a new idea in each paragraph. And decide what experience you want to give the reader... this is all just informing the reader of things, but you can use some action verbs and imagery words to convey a real experience!

Undergraduate / "books and study materials donation program" Helping hands- Common app short question [3]

I've always felt pity for poor children who could not afford quality education, and I wanted to help them. My dream came true when I came up with an idea of for a books and study materials donation program.

I and m My friends from my school and I collected about four thousand books, four PCs, and some sports equipments to donate to Shree Singhkali School-a poor school in Solukhumbhu district which is considerably considered one of the most remote places of the country. Walking about 10 hours on rough terrain under the ...

I crossed out "about" a few times, because you can improve your writing by eliminating unnecessary words.

This is a bad ending!----> In a way, the whole project was inspiring too.---I think the whole essay is great, except for this ambiguous reference to "inspiring." e specific at the end! :-)

Undergraduate / Dragon Boat - Rutgers University Undergraduate Admissions Essay [4]

I think you should "sharpen" the theme. That means you should make it LESS general and MORE specific. You can bring diversity... through dragon oat racing? Or is it just an EXAMPLE of the diversity to which you can contribute?


Let's add a sentence after this, or change this sentence, so that it tells something more specific. I think the best thing to do might be to refer to ANOTHER example of an experience that represents diversity, so that it does not seem like the whole essay is about this dragon oat racing. It is actually just using the dragon boat racing as a theme.. but the MESSAGE of the essay is not the same as the theme.

What message do you want to plant in the reader's mind?

:-)

Undergraduate / Pizza Lab Revelations: A CommonApp Essay on a Person of Influence [4]

Yes! The writing is great...
I'll look for problems...
"hopelessly eludes her..." What does hopelessly modify here? Elude? It is not hopeless as it eludes her, so... I think it is the wrong modifier. What else can you use instead of hopelessly?

But Never the one to give up, mother went back to her laboratory for further experimentation.

Never caring for conformist principles, mother does not mind if her pizza would not win the connoisseur's approval, as long as the finished product entertained her own liking.

Having eaten my mother's cooking all my life, I have slowly begun to digest some of her lessons as well. ---good sentence!
Her unconventional style of approaching things in life always inspires me to be innovative. ---This is what I think you should discuss more. What ca you tell the reader about how your mother has influenced your ideas about a career? Or your personal philosophy?

None of the essay really seems contrived... "contrived" is what something becomes when it has no inspiration. Your essay is inspired, but I think it is too informative and insufficiently reflective/predictive. I think the person of influence should be written about only as a way of expounding YOUR vision, your aspiration. So... instead of giving so much information, give half as much information and twice as much "drawing of conclusions." Twice as much content about the YOU that has been influenced... you are setting about taking your college education, so it is important to show your intentions.

:-)

Undergraduate / Tepper School of Business & International management; Why Carnegie Mellon? [6]

Yes, this is the right question. What is the real reason? This is not a contest to see whose reason is best; it is a contest to see who seems the most determined and clear-headed about their meaningful plan to achieve their goals in college.

So... the most impressive thing you can do is read some journal articles and write about the aspects of the field that you want to e a part of. What work do you want to do?

Research Papers / choosing a topic for research in software engineering.... [11]

You want to know which is in more demand? I guess I am not qualified to tell you. However, part of your preparation is supposed to involved reading pertinent research studies, so you probably will be able to find out.

Your topics are very broad, and your question about which is in more demand is very broad. I think you should read some articles about each, and just really enjoy them. Take your time, go slowly, and wait for your research idea to take form.

Undergraduate / My Father, The Sun of My Life- (influential person), Commonapp [4]

The best thing about this essay is that you PROVE that he guided you well. You prove it by writing in a way that has such high quality... any reader will know your father and other teachers have taught you how to think well.

I'll try to find small areas for improvement...
Never would I know the joy of success if I gave up halfway.--Here, you need to use "have and "had"
Never would I have known the joy of success if I had gave up halfway.

Do you guys think I should keep these letters bold?---no. Ha ha, you certainly are unique, though. I have never seen that. There is a kind of poetry that has the first letter of every line spell out a word... but in this case it will be almost impossible to notice the word sun in the essay.

However, it is not necessary to do that. The essay is already an inspired piece of writing, very very good. It has rhythm and artful words... and it put a smile on my face while I was reading. That means you should not change it!

Undergraduate / My grandmother's struggles in the Philippines- Cornell CALS Prompt [2]

Hey, welcome ot EssayForum. I wish you had not been forced to wait so long before getting a response. We are very busy this time of year. If you go help other people and ask them to look at your essay, that is the best way to drive traffic to your thread. :-)

I think the first and last paragraphs need to be longer! They are the ones that send a message to the reader. What is the main message to the reader?

... has ignited in me a desire to understand the...---just an idea for you, a subtle change.

Wow, I like the ending! Every time I started to think of a way to criticize your writing, I had to stop, because the sentences are so well constructed. And you get pretty specific about what you want to do. That is great. You can make it a little better by naming 3 or 4 goals for your first year at this school... goals related to your career in developmental soc.

:-)

Undergraduate / (lifelong career as a nurse) Why I want to be a Buckeye OSU APP ESSAY [3]

When I first began selecting prospective schools to visit, and eventually apply to, I was set on going away and living...

This is nicely written, but you did not show that you actually know anything about the program. You can also discuss your philosophy of nursing, your view of certain topics in nursing, and the changing nature of the profession. Read a journal article that interests you... and take inspiration from it! Get a little more specific with this essay. :-)

Undergraduate / "explore the world from a new perspective" - What makes Stanford a good place for you [4]


Careful here.. solutions are not to be solved...

The solutions to world issues cannot be solved found by searching in only a single direction; they often require collaboration from several fields.

Taking a combination of versatile courses will help me develop a unique perspective ---It sounds like the theme of your essay is "pluralism."That is a good word to check out as you work on this.

Typo: everyone want Stanford

Run on sentence: It's not my deeply passionate nature or love of knowledge, or my curiosity, the answer lies within my drive. Stanford is my opportunity to contribute to the world. ---This stuff is abstract and a little to simple. "Drive" is too simple if you are TELLING them you have it. Show them that you have drive by giving a DETAILED plan about what you are going to do in the next few years. Driven people have plans.

Watching those around me suffering from strokes and other neurological disorders has inspired me to find a solution. ----This is good... a specific intention. I wish you would write a whole paragraph about this aspiration.

:-)

Undergraduate / UIUC Academic Interests + Activity Essays - Chemical Engineering [3]

It also amazes me that --- This part is impressive... but it is also a little superficial. It is just random facts. I think you should revise so that it talks about facts associated with your particular plan for the future.

I yearn to create an element or chemical into something (as valuable as a diamond?) This seems like an arbitrary comparison to make. ... or as helpful as a new fuel source.---- Good ideas, but instead of several general ideas and facts, tell us about a specific intention you have. What if you could program your future, deciding all the details about the type of work you would do? Tell us how you envision it.

At the start, we were lost. We did not have any had neither the necessary materials nor an idea abo ut fundraising.

This is a place to use "had"
By the time the main event came, we had raised over $1700.
That is a great accomplishment!

Undergraduate / Essay about destruction and construction -- my commonapp main essay [3]


I don't know... what is the "root" of the world? Surely not construction... construction is something people do in the world. I'm not sure if I like that intro.

You have a great writing style...

I think that there must be something I didn't fix well in my camera; maybe it is the optical low-pass filter since some fault color still exists. ---- this is a great detail!

Those experiences were painstaking, yet they made me feel full, and I become a little sensitive and moved whenever I think about them.

It may be unfortunate that I am becoming common, but now I trust in the value of constructing the world, -----This part confuses me! Maybe you can word it more clearly?

Undergraduate / "You never know who's watching" - experience that impacted you, common app essay [4]

Don't be prepared that... be prepared for.
Or be advised that...
"Be advised that the other player ...

Also,will----> if it comes, or woulde ---> if it came.
what I would do if the ball came my way before the play actually happened - I never really applied this concept to my life until my first varsity basketball game during sophomore year.

...sweating profusive I don't know if this is a real word! Maybe it is, but just check.

Where preparation meets opportunity... that is an expression that many people use, and because it is not original it probably should not be used at the end of the essay.

Okay, this needs less detail and more analysis, more reflection. I think you could tell the story in about 1/2 the space, and it would leave you plenty of room to discuss the implications for your future.

also:
I began to realize that by working hard, utilizing certain skills, and doing something one had has a passion.

Hey, I think it is not "success" but "luck" that is referred to in that expression. Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

Sometimes, it is just luck, though! :-)