Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 which is talk about producing steam [4]

You need to learn to use more word alternatives in your writing. When an image is described as a diagram in the original, you cannot use the word diagram in your own presentation. You could have instead referred to the drawing as a procedure outline or blueprint, even an outline or a layout. The use of alternative descriptive terms in relation to the keywords would have increased the LR score for this essay.

There is a sentence that does not make sense in the third paragraph:

According to reactor's sections, uranium fuel elements are located between boron control rods and charge tubes which are linked together

Then what? When you say "according to", there should be a subsequent resulting action or final outcome based on the given statement. This is lacking the actual subject of the presentation sentence. Overall though, you stayed on point and pretty much did an acceptable job of presenting the diagram procedure.

Scholarship / Why the University should select me for the scholarship for masters [3]

I am not sure what university you are applying to and what the discussion requirements are for this scholarship essay. The way I see it, the essay does not have a focus on the truth intention behind your desire for the scholarship. You are talking too much about your background and your ideas about how to solve the power problem in your country. However, there is no stand out suggestion, accomplishment, or achievement that could set you apart from the other scholarship applicants.

How are you doing professionally in this line of work? Have you gained any sort of recognition within your company for accomplishments or nationally for any advancements you have developed on your own? These are normally part and parcel of the considerations for a scholarship applicant. The degree of your accomplishments as an undergraduate helps to show your potential as someone who can help promote the scholarship in the future.

Your reason for applying to the university does not really focus on the achievements the university has in line with your chosen masters course. You are merely paying lip service, letting the reviewer know that you have a good idea of the public perception of the university. The problem, is that you have not justified your academic reasons for choosing the university. It should focus on the professor and his research as it aligns with your instead. If you can align your research with the professor, and a justification for your interest in the grant, then you might become a contender for the scholarship. What do you plan to do with the grant should you receive it? If you can explain that, then the scholarship committee just might develop an interest in your application.

I am basing my comments on a general review of a scholarship masters application. I am not sure if you have any specific discussion topics as provided by the application forms. If you had some specifics to discuss, then you should have uploaded the complete instruction guide along with your essay for a more targeted review.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Forested area covered over different continents in the world (Table) [4]

The presentation is questionable at best. There is a lack of information accuracy ( there is no image for comparison provided for this review). Your references may be incorrect (Asian = Asia). You are using redundant information ( more largest, largest would have been more proper). There is no actual evidence provided to add authority to your claim that there was a plummet over a decade.

You should have just used a 3 paragraph comparison for this essay rather than the forced 4 paragraph presentation. A paragraph has a minimum of 3 sentences, not 2 sentences. That is why those sentences do not appear to be fully developed in the eyes of the reader. There seems to be missing information there. However, had you combined that into a single paragraph, it would have been a fully developed paragraph presentation.

Undergraduate / Insulting words - Tell us your biggest fear [3]

I would have appreciated reading the whole prompt for this essay so that I did not only rely on the incomplete subject of the prompt. I am sure that there was a lot more to the instructions for writing this essay than just "Tell us your biggest fear". It really would have helped me better review the content of your essay. Instead, I will have to go simply with the title that you gave me.

I do not see your biggest fear in this essay. I would not say that bullying was or is your biggest fear because you were finally able to stand up to your bullies, thus negating the "fear" factor in that scenario. Your biggest fear should, as far as I know, delve on something that you fear happening in your life, over which you will not have any control. The idea is to give a name to the fear, how you see that fear happening, and why it is important to you to prevent that fear from becoming a reality. Fear, is something that is yet to happen, not something that has already happened, which you have overcome.

Based on my understanding of what the prompt requires, I do not believe that your presentation has met the requirements for this narration. Again, this is based on a personal understanding due to the lack of complete prompt instructions on your part. My advice is, write a new essay that better relates to a fear that you will do your best to prevent from happening or from turning into a reality.

Letters / "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish" - Motivation Letter for Scholarship application [4]

There is no connection between Steve Jobs, what he said, your explanation of what he said, and your motivation. Remove the Steve Jobs motivation, you will lose the interest of the reviewer immediately because you need someone else to speak for you and then, you had to explain what that person said, in no relation to an actual motivation hook regarding your own motivations. Lose that paragraph. It does not help your essay.

There are 2 motivations that you have to address in this letter, the motivation for the course and the motivation for the scholarship application. The latter answering the question, "Why this scholarship?" Not just the exposure to the country, but the objectives of the scholarship should reflect your motivation for studies. These must go hand in hand.

I do not see any professional motivation being indicated in your discussion. That weakens the essay. The reference to how your interest developed belongs more in a personal statement than a motivation letter. It is best to not reference that in this essay. Focus on the professional motivation and academic motivation. After all, you are applying for a scholarship to based on a masters course interest. Therefore, the early years of your exposure no longer apply.

The scholarship is interested in knowing how you were motivated to seek an advanced degree. The reasons and the factors that support that should help you create an interesting academic and professional motivation. The choice of the scholarship, like I said, should align with these 2 causes. As for the country, make the motivation a personal one. One that will allow you develop on a personal level based on interactions with others from Europe. The end result being that you will be motivated to do an even better job as a professional after the course completion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Toefl independent Review- Some Young Adults wants independence from their parents ....... [2]

Since this a TOEFL test, you do not need to follow the format of an IELTS test. You are not expected to restate the prompt topic in this test. You are however, expected to proper give your opinion and a clear opinion within 280-400 words. All within 30 minutes. So, your first paragraph, you could have opened with your opinion immediately, which would tie in with the given prompt topic. You were actually able to do that from the part where you said "I I prefer to live..."

You gave a very good defense of your opinion in this presentation. You have properly used the personal examples and reasons to the extent that the paragraph meaning and intention was always clear to the reader. Sure the language wasn't perfect. That did not matter in this case. All that mattered, was that you clearly explained yourself to the reader. By the way, you don't need to say "In conclusion" every time you want to close an essay. Try to avoid using memorized place holder phrases like that. Just indicate a conclusion in a normal manner. Close the essay with a strong supporting statement with regards to the topic and your opinion.

You might want to try an improve your vocabulary by writing a little bit longer. The more chances you have of showing an advanced, but natural sounding vocabulary in the essay, the better your chances of getting a higher score.

Writing Feedback / The data based on the chart presenting the wheat exports of three areas from 1985 to 1990 [3]

How were the wheat exports measured? Did they use tonnes? Percentage? Conducted a survey? Your summary overview is incomplete because of the missing measurement type. The overall essay needs to have one additional paragraph to meet the 3 paragraph minimum requirement. Your second paragraph is too compressed in terms of discussion. There is no analysis of similar information or overlapping information. Were there any equal years of export? Between which countries? The analysis of this essay is too shallow and lacking in content. Had you provided the actual image, I would have been able to show you how to improve the content of this essay. Next time, upload the image, you will be thankful that you uploaded it when you see the kind of advise that you can get when you give me the complete information to review your work with.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - zoos are cruel or can be useful. Discuss both view and give opinion [3]

Discuss both points of view and give your opinion. The instructions are very clear. There are 2 public opinions provided in the original prompt. Yet, your restatement only shows one side of the discussion instead of both. Your also said you will discuss both points of view. However, the discussion requirement is both points of view and then, your personal opinion. Review and compare the requirements of the discussion in the original, then compare it to the version that you presented and wrote. You will realize that you failed to meet the discussion requirements overall. This is not the kind of essay that can help you get a passing score. You failed to deliver the requirements on several levels, hence, you may not receive a good score for this presentation. Your mistakes in this presentation are:

- An inaccurate restatement of the prompt topic
- Discussing only 1 of 2 points of view
- A discussion solely based on a personal opinion without an appropriate comparison of the 2 public viewpoints
- An inappropriate concluding paragraph. It does not have the minimum 40 words in the presentation and also, does not summarize the given discussion

Do your best to familiarize yourself with the task 2 discussion types. You need to learn to properly discuss the presentations so that you can achieve a passing score. You have more than enough examples at this forum for you to learn from. You are only confusing yourself by referring to more than one website for your lessons. It is the constant mixing of the various writing styles, as taught by the instructors that is hindering your progress as a student. You will need to choose one website to learn from and stick to that website. Otherwise, you will not be helped by the various lessons, you will only be held back. In fact, I believe that is what is happening to you now. You are being held back from true learning because you are confusing yourself with the various writing styles from different sources. You will never achieve a satisfactory presentation if you continue to do that.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for Seoul National University KLEC [3]

Your over written and over informative approach to the essay is inappropriate. You need to whittle this down and provide only the 2 discussion aspects for your purpose and plan.

For the purpose of the program, your explanation needs to be simple. It can be as simple as, you are going to be a foreign student in Korea. Since Korean classes are taught in Hangul, you need to learn the language. So you are applying for the Korean Language Program at the university. The reason you should use is that you will be required (if so asked to do so) to take a TOPIK certification level test. From what I know, TOPIK language certification is required in the Korean universities and scholarship programs. If you do not pass the language certification test, then you cannot attend school in Korea. You might be able to use that as the purpose and reason for your desire to attend language classes at the university.

As for the plans after you complete the course, you can indicate that you plan to continue your studies in Korea, based on the Hangul language curriculum. That should start the after study plan. I am not sure what else you can say about the language reference post language studies except maybe, to have you explain why you believe that fluency and certification in Hangul will help advance your studies and assist you in completing your future course requirements. As you did not really refer to any specific prompt discussion points, I am not sure how else you can provide a more targeted essay.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay on academic objectives and how they'd be relevant for my long term goal. 100 words [3]

It is not good enough. You have to create a more informative statement response so that you can deliver the required information as required by the prompt. Your academic objectives are non existent. A reference to broadening your knowledge as your primary goal does not create an impression, only a general statement that all the other applicants will be using. A clear academic goal has to do with your passion to achieve your target career. Your academic objective should indicate:

Sentence 1: Your academic objective ( what is your career goal?) and what subjects the university teaches which will help you achieve that goal
Sentence 2: Why you believe the major you chose at the university is exactly the course you have to take to achieve your ambition. (training, subjects, internships, etc.)

Sentence 3: What makes the university different from the others in your country or in Canada? Why do you believe this university offers the best course curriculum in relation to your academic goals?

These sentence placements and guide questions are only meant as a reference point. These are the information the statement needs to present. You may use more sentences if needed, but the presentation should only be a coherent and cohesive statement composed of a single paragraph.

Writing Feedback / (WT2) the effects of genetic engineering on our life. [2]

Please familiarize yourself with the various discussion formats for the various question types in the Task 2 test. In this instance, you did not actually discuss the essay based on the indicated format. This is essay asks you to discuss both points of view and give your opinion. So the 2 reasoning paragraphs must be discussed in the following manner:

Sentence 1: Public point of view statement
Sentence 2: Reason for this public point of view (explanation via third person pronouns)
Sentence 3: Transition sentence opposing said point of view
Sentence 4: Your personal point of view ( Using first person pronouns)
Sentence 5: Explain your point of view as it opposes or supports (one paragraph for each opinion) the public point of view to prove the strength of your opinion.

In your restatement, you changed the discussion from "Discuss both points of view and present your own opinion" to "i personally believe that there is some existing drawback of its to our planet." Based on your personal opinion, you did not understand that the discussion is to be based on your understanding of the 2 public points of view. You have to oppose one public point of view and then support the other. You cannot just present a generalized comparative discussion.

As it is, the essay will be graded based on an unrelated response to the topic because you changed the discussion theme throughout the essay. Therefore, you will not be able to get a passing score for this presentation. There were only 2 points for discussion in this essay:

- Some people think that it will improve people's lives in many ways
- Others feel that it maybe a threat to life on earth.

Your personal opinion should have been formulated based on those 2 discussion points. It should not have been based on your belief about existing drawback of genetic engineering. That is not a topic that was part of the original discussion considerations.

Writing Feedback / People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What are some solutions [3]

There needs to be a proper restatement of the original prompt. That means, you have to accomplish 3 things:
- Tell the reader what the original topic is about
- Answer the question: What are the reasons?
- Answer the question: What are the solutions?

In your rewriting, you changed the topic from "People are consuming more sugary based drinks" to "sugary drinks cause many health problems." That is a topic change because it is not represented in the original topic presentation. You were asked 2 direct questions that also required direct responses. Instead, you chose to simply say that there are several reasons and solutions. That sort of response does not give the examiner a clear idea of how well you understood the discussion instruction. You also did not give a specific discussion topic outline that would have been presented in the 2 reasoning paragraphs.

The essay requires you to use public knowledge or personal experience for your reasoning. So you should not be using research references in the presentation. The data you are using, such as 9 out of 10 children, is based on actual research, which you cannot perform during the actual test. Although you did present 3 reasons in that paragraph, the disconnection of the presentation from one topic to another created an under developed reasoning paragraph that offered only subjects for discussion, but no actual discussion development.

You have to same problem in your solutions presentation. There should be a connection between government taxes on sodas, school education, and raising awareness. As usual, the solutions you presented did not really have any supporting nor connected discussion points, which render the paragraph weak and under developed again.

Then, there is problem with your concluding paraphrase, you failed to present a summarized version of the discussion. You also did not write at least 40 words for that presentation. A simple 2 sentence wrap up would have sufficed. Based on these observations, the problem with your essay focuses on 2 sections:

- A lack of task accuracy
- An inability to clearly explain given reasons using proper supporting statements.

Letters / Motivational Letter (Environmental Policy 300 word limit) [4]

Remove the first 2 sentences in your presentation. That creates a redundancy with the last paragraph of the current version. Since this is a motivational letter, you should kick off the presentation with your current 3rd paragraph. That is a clear motivational statement that illustrates the reasons you chose the program and would allow you to explain how your motivation relates to the current situation in Ghana.

Use the current second paragraph, but remove the first sentence that refers to your undergraduate studies as those are irrelevant to the motivational aspect of the discussion. You also need a better closing statement since your thoughts in that part do not relate to your motivational considerations as stated.

Applying these changes should help you create a better motivational letter. One that allows you to properly depict your motivation and all related information for the reviewer's consideration.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 Causes and solutions of climate change - a major problem that could severely impact human [4]

Kindly remember that you are scored on the accuracy of your restated information. You should never change the original information in your restatement because that changes the overall presentation from the original. You are only supposed to present a copy of that presentation in your restatement. The information must remain the same for Task Accuracy considerations. There are differences between the original and your information presentation:

Original Information:
- Climate change is one of the most dangerous threats
- humans ever faced.
- It is projected to affect billions of people in the future.

Your information:
- Climate change has been considered the most pressing issue ( should be rephrased as dangerous threat)
- result in catastrophic weather events ( should reference the threat that humans face)
- Billions of people are predicted to be severely endangered in the future. ( They are not endangered, they are affected)

These errors in English comprehension skills show that you did not really understand the discussion topic as it was presented in the original prompt. Your LR score will be in the failing range since you showed that you do not know how to use synonyms in a manner that will help you prove your English comprehension skills. Even if you use advanced English words such as myriad in the later presentation, the fact that your restatement was incorrect already proves a lack of English comprehension skills.

You did a good job of discussing your reasons though, which would help you get a better C&C score, but still, it would be held back by the improper prompt restatement in terms of scoring considerations. Your summary conclusion should have included a reference to the original topic, causes, solutions, and a closing sentence. You should have 5 sentences presented in that paragraph, not just 2 sentences.

Writing Feedback / Applying a strict tax level on fast foods? [2]

Unfortunately, your paraphrasing is incorrect. It is not based on the original information provided for the discussion. The topic was about the idea that some people regarding unhealthy foods. Their thoughts indicate a belief that the government should tax fast food so that people will be encouraged to eat healthier foods. Your restatement claims that the original prompt was asking you a true or false question regarding the illnesses causes by fast food. That is the first error in your rephrased presentation. The second error, is the lack of the measured response or degree of your agreement or disagreement with the given discussion. So your TA score will reflect that your total understanding of the given discussion is incorrect. Why? Due to the wrong topic for discussion and response to the question provided. These errors will be enough to actually make you fail the test already.

Your first reasoning paragraph is incorrect. You are not being asked to discuss the health complications of junk food. So you are discussing an unrelated topic. You should only be focused on the tax question and the defense of that opinion based on 2 justifications. In this case, your first reasoning paragraph will not be considered. The word count you used for the non related paragraph will be deducted from the 250 minimum count.

Your concluding paraphrase also failed to provide the summarized discussion wrap up that you were expected to provide. Your presentation in that section does not follow the original prompt discussion either. Based on the incorrect discussion presentation, you cannot expect to get a passing score with this essay.

Scholarship / [GKS-G/KGSP-G] Statement of Purpose (Goals of study and Study Plan) [3]

The approach you have taken to this presentation is highly incorrect. The Goal of Study essay needs to be approached as a thesis presentation. What is your end goal for studying this masters course in Korea? Think of a thesis topic proposal. What would it be about? Why do you think it is important that you accomplish this goal by studying in Korea? The main goal you have to present is the end result of the studies upon your return to your home country. What goals do you have for your career that go hand in hand with this thesis? How will this help your profession when you return you country? The goal, is the end result of your studies. What you hope to achieve and why it is important to you.

Start your revision with your thesis presentation. Create this goal of study as a thesis proposal. that would work better. You already have the beginnings for it in your later paragraphs. Use the following portions to start your revised version:

I would like to write my thesis ... carry out overseas.

The East Asian region ...a professional goal I want to achieve.

These should be the basis of the full presentation. This is your preliminary thesis statement. Build on the presentation from there.

Writing Feedback / Can financial aid cease poverty? [3]

Kindly remember the time limit for the writing task. You have 40 minutes to discuss, with as little errors as possible. So you have to keep the essay within a proper word count, say 275-290, so that you can have more time to improve the presentation in terms of clarity, cohesiveness, and word usage. These are the errors that I spotted when reviewing your work. You do not need to write 346 words, with errors in them. You need to make sure that you can provide a clear explanation rather than simply just a long essay. The length isn't important, the clarity of your explanation, based on reasoning and logic, are what assure you of a better score.

You need not present a reason for poverty in your paraphrasing. There was no reason given in the original so adding that information, though it seems helpful to you, reduces the accuracy of your restatement. Stick only to the provided information in the rewriting. That way you do not accidentally deviate from the original presentation.

You changed the discussion parameters for the presentation as well. You were only asked to provide an extent of agreement or disagreement with the given topic. Those are the only aspects you will be scored on. So discussing solutions are not necessary in the presentation. As such, the word count that covers the solution discussion will be deducted from the original presentation. That leaves your essay with more or less 211 words. The essay is now under the minimum 250 word count. Meaning, the irrelevant discussion points you worked so hard on writing will actually cause this essay presentation to get a failing score.

Undergraduate / Wonderland - The prompt is what is your favorite word and why [3]

You cannot make your favorite word the title of the response and then never mention it within the essay. You have to mention it at the start of the introductory paragraph. You can say something like:

Imagination, a reference to something not real, but seen in the minds eye. Imagination. The word that allows me to break free of the confines of a physical reality. This is my favorite word. This word describes who I am...

Or something along those lines. You have to make sure to really explain, in a creative writing manner what your favorite word is. What it means to others, and what it means to you. The Alice in Wonderland reference doesn't really work. It doesn't provide the required information. You were not being asked to imagine things in the essay. You were being asked to put into words the reason why a certain word would become a favorite of yours. How does it apply to you as a person? Your character? Your likes and dislikes? Who you think you can be in the future? Consider those elements when discussing the word.

Writing Feedback / WHY TRADITIONAL CELEBRATIONS ARE IMPORTANT? [4]

The approach you took to this essay deviates from the original prompt requirement. You were asked for the extent of your agreement or disagreement of the given topic. You did not give any appropriate response to the given discussion instruction. Neither did you closely mimic the original discussion subject in your rephrasing of the presentation. Your TA score is not going to be acceptable due to the lack of connection of your presentation to the original one.

You were first told that the traditional events are important but that people have forgotten about that importance. That these days, people only want to enjoy themselves rather than follow traditional celebrations. The essence of the topic, the reason behind it, and what you are supposed to discuss got lost in your translation. You failed to accurately rephrase the prompt information. This will show a response unrelated to the original prompt, which means your TA score will not be in the passing range.

The overall discussion that you have presented does not align itself with the suggested discussion points. The only part of your presentation that actually serves to respond to the original presentation is the third paragraph. The contents are somewhat aligned with the required "traditional" reasons. You should have developed that as your first reason and then offered a second paragraph supporting that instead.

Undergraduate / UBC - Application essay which define who I am [3]

Based on the way that you set up this essay, you should be providing individual examples of these observations that various people have made about you. By providing expanded examples of how you fulfill these character traits as observed by others, you can create a more interesting achievement presentation in the final section of the presentation. Combine all of these traits to explain your proudest achievement. Being able to solidify all of these personalities into the person whom you believe you have become,will allow you to present your proudest and greatest achievement in life that you are most proud of. You have to piece everything together because the essay is too split apart by the different personalities and character traits you have presented. These need to unite into a single presentation towards the end so that the reviewer will get a better idea of who you are as a person and how your life experiences and interactions with others have helped shape you into a possibly good member of their university community.

Graduate / Check my SOP for a PhD application in material science [3]

The only comment I have about this essay is that The first paragraph is out of place in a PhD presentation. That paragraph is more relevant to a college application. It has no place in a PhD application because it goes too far back into your educational background which is no longer relevant to a PhD discussion. The college experience shouldn't need to use 2 paragraphs. You just need to summarize your college education and fully focus on your thesis presentation instead. The same goes for your masters studies. The research involved in both your undergraduate and masters thesis will help prove your acumen for research, which is very important in your statement of purpose. The internship presentation is acceptable as it shows your ability to work with a team while still doing individual research. I would have liked to read something about how your work in the internship came about. How you ended up developing the product that matched the requirements. Why did the others fail and you succeeded?

You may want to throw in a better explanation as to how your interest in the work of the professor coincides with your potential dissertation project and how there can be a potential collaboration between you and the professor's research team.

Writing Feedback / (WT2) Music is the magic instrument [2]

You gave a very good paraphrase and measured response. However, you failed to justify your opinion in the 2 succeeding paragraphs. There was a disconnection between your opinion and your reasons because the reasons did not illustrate the main discussion topic provided in the original prompt. Your reasons should have supported the idea of "bringing people of different cultures and ages together" These are the 2 reasoning paragraphs you should have presented. One for cultures and one for ages.

The example you used, the UNESCO heritage song did not indicate how it brought people of different races together as an inspirational point or for a common good. This makes ineffective as an example of "different cultures". Music for every ages is also a problematic reason as you do not justify any music that actually showed bringing people together of different ages. So the examples do not help support your opinion as stated at the start of your essay.

Writing Feedback / People think teachers no longer play important roles in classrooms [4]

There is a direct question being asked in the original prompt. Do you agree or disagree with the given statement? You did not respond to the question directly, which is what this discussion format required. You have changed the discussion instruction from "do you agree or disagree?" to "The essential role teachers plan in learning." Which is a total deviation from the given original topic. As such, your TA score will definitely be failing for 2 reasons:

- Prompt deviation
- Lack of clarity of opinion

Whichever reason the examiner chooses to use will still be a failing score for your TA section. When you change the discussion theme, you fail. When you do not offer a clear opinion where required, you fail. When you present a comparative discussion as you did here, while a single opinion defense was required, you fail again. You need to make sure that you understand the required discussion topic and how to discuss it if you want to pass this test.

Your essay is mainly focused on explaining a teaching style rather than the effectiveness of a teacher in person rather than using computer based learning. You have not presented the discussion based on the discussion clues that were presented in the original prompt. Your failure to analyze the discussion topic from the original presentation is what prevented you from discussing what could have been a passing essay. If the prompt had only been the wrong one that you presented in this essay, you would have gotten a passing score.

Graduate / Sstudy plan - MA in economics at Concordia University [2]

There are only a few paragraphs from this version that can be transferred to the revised presentation. Use paragraphs 2, 6,7 in the revised essay. These are the paragraphs that can help show a motivation in relation to a study plan. The study plan itself, should focus on your thesis project, which, should be a research paper whose final outcome can be implemented in your home country upon your return. The idea, is to prove to the visa officer that you have a specific study plan in mind to benefit your country. As of now, it does not seem like you have any plan to create a paper that could lead to a feasible project in your home country. So this version, defeats the purpose of a study plan.

Writing Feedback / [WT2] Grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren or live independently? [4]

The approach that you took to creating the paraphrase is a bit incorrect. While you did a good job restating the topic, you could have done better in presenting the reasons to the examiner. Rather than saying that there are plausible arguments on both sides, you should have instead, presented the topics for debate, the 2 sides of the discussion that you will be presenting. That way, you could have also indicated that based on the considerations, you will be presenting an explanation of your conclusion of facts towards the end of the essay.

The format for this essay is 5 paragraphs composed of:

Par. 1: Restatement + discussion summary
Par. 2: First public POV consideration
Par. 3: Second public POV discussion
Par. 4: Your opinion as to which side you support
Par. 5: Reverse summary conclusion

While you did give a generalized discussion, you failed to offer your personal opinion / conclusion based on the reasons you mentioned. As such, the essay is presenting an incomplete discussion to the examiner and will only be scored on 2 out of 3 discussion requirements.

Undergraduate / Black History - the most important Activity essay for UBC PERSONAL PROFILE! [3]

Try to revise the content of this essay. For the first paragraph, discuss why you were compelled to establish Black History Month at your school. What were the factors that led to its establishment? What was the main objective of the activity? Would you consider it successful? Why?

The role you played should go beyond the establishment activities. You need to show how the activity changed you as a person. If this awakened a sense of activism on your part, then explain what role that activism played in pushing you to make the activity a success. That would make for a very clear and interesting learning process for you. The learning process should integrate the role you played in the activity. By limiting the presentation aspects to 3 paragraphs, focusing only on my suggested discussion points, you should be able to create a less wordy and more focused response essay. Don't forget to divide your responses into paragraphs. That way the presentation is easier to read and will be easier to scan for relevant information on the part of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / WT2-RETIREMENT AGE. SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT? [2]

It is important that you do not use exaggerated words in your presentation. There is no semblance of an argument in the original discussion topic. There is only a belief, 2 different beliefs in fact. So, rather than "argument", you should have used the word "beliefs" instead to reflect the differing opinions in the original presentation. Proper word usage, specially in the form of a synonym, can always help to boost your LR score. Be careful with word usage, always use the appropriate replacement word. The restated information you gave is incomplete. There are 2 points of view remember? So both points of view need to be presented in individual sentence presentations prior to your giving your personal opinion. Personally, I have seen my students get a better score in the actual test when, rather than presenting a single personal opinion in the discussion, they offer a personal opinion for each point of view. This allows the essay to be written in a quicker and clearer form, giving their overall score a boost in the eyes of the examiner.

If you review your essay, you should also see that you are discussing only one point of view throughout the 2 discussion paragraphs rather than discussing one of each public point of view per paragraph. You have used an incorrect discussion format in this presentation which will definitely pull down your overall score. In fact, I do not see this essay getting a passing score because the response is only correct to a certain degree. You spoke of only one point of view creating a tangential response, meaning your TA score will be limited to an almost, but not quite passing score.

Let me leave you with the proper paragraph format for this essay:

Par. 1: Prompt restatement
Par. 2: Public POV 1 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion
par. 3: Pub;ic POV 2 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion
Par. 4: Reverse paraphrase ( topic, 2 public and personal opinions)

Writing Feedback / Resolution to deforestation consequences. [3]

As this is a Task 2 essay, your writing needs to meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words to be considered for a passing score within all 4 scoring considerations. You have written only 193 words. Appropriate percentage deductions for the missing word count shall be applied to your TA score. The starting score of your essay shall be on the failing level at this point. It is important for you to understand that under writing (in terms of word count) results in percentage deductions and over writing (in terms of word count) will result in you creating more uncorrected errors in your response. You need to write within an appropriate limit instead, no more than 275-290 words will be more than sufficient for your you to get better scoring considerations and also, prevent you from creating too many writing errors.

Both the prompt paraphrase and concluding reverse paraphrase seem to be the reason why you under wrote in this essay. Both paragraphs need to have between 3-5 sentences in the presentation for you to achieve an appropriate word count. In the first paraphrase, you should present an outline of the potential 2 topics you will be discussing as individual paragraphs after you restate the topic. For the reverse concluding paragraph, you need to restate the topic and the 2 solutions you have presented and explained. You may add a sentence about why you believe the solutions you have suggested will work to close the essay.

By properly lengthening the presentation and staying within the discussion requirements for both the topic, format, and discussion development, you should be able to meet the minimum word requirements next time. By the way, Avoid using conjunctions such as "because" at the start of a sentence. As a word connector, the more appropriate place to use "because" or "and" is in the middle of an already existing sentence as both conjunctions are meant to connect 2 thoughts in one sentence, in a clearly reasoned manner.

Writing Feedback / Cyclists and motorists sharing the same roads causes some issues. What are the problems and solution [2]

When you are not being asked if a statement is true or false, you do not need to indicate the "truth" of a statement in the restated topic. It is not necessary to do so because you are changing the original discussion topic in the process. That will affect the way the examiner views your restatement as being close or not to the original discussion presentation. You should also learn to provide a proper topic outline in response to the 2 discussion being asked (the problems and how the problems can be solved).

When writing this type of essay, you should use 2 connected topics first, then give a cohesive example to support your information. That way you create a clear, cohesive, and coherent paragraph. The format is:

Sentence 1: 1st topic
Sentence 2: Explanation
Sentence 3: Transition to the next topic
Sentence 4: New topic
Sentence 5: Example that connects the 2 topics in the paragraph

When the above format is not used, the essay tends to come across as under developed and lacking in clear explanation or examples. You need to show that you have the ability to create a connected discussion presentation in each paragraph. The same approach could have been used for a stronger solutions paragraph in the second reasoning presentation.

Your conclusion needs work. For this type of essay, you need to offer 5 sentences composed of:
Sentence 1: topic restatement
Sentence 2: first problem restatement
Sentence 3: second problem restatement
Sentence 4: first solution restatement
Sentence 5: second solution restatement

The reverse paraphrase, as shown in the above format, will allow you to be considered for a higher TA score as you will be able to show how you can restate the topic in 2 different ways. Thus assuring the examiner that you have ample English skills in terms of LR and GRA considerations.

Undergraduate / Shy, curious, analytical - UBC Personal - Tell us about who you are. [4]

This is not a usable draft. It does not respond to the prompt requirements. You are being asked to describe yourself based on the opinion of other people about you. That means you will be using either the second or third person pronouns for most of the essay. You are focused only on describing yourself from your point of view. Review the prompt requirements and write a new essay. One that uses clear references to the required points of view. Only after you discuss how other people see you can you finally use the first person pronouns that will help you describe what you are most proud of and why.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 task, The graph below shows the share of elderly population by country [3]

Remember that words matter in writing your essays. You need to use theme appropriate words to show your LR and vocabulary range. For example, in this presentation, you said "A glance..." That phrase (a glance) does not indicate the proper instruction for this essay. A task 1 essay always offers and analysis of the image. So never simply "glance" or quickly look at the image. Use words that connote a study of the image instead. Something that will qualify the report as a run-down of important information, as studied by the writer. That will have more of an impact on your score.

The summary overview has a pretty much set in stone presentation requirement. You need to list the countries from the image and the measurement type before the trending statement. These help to highlight the discussion / analytical points that you will be presenting in the essay. These help you achieve a higher TA score as well due to the complete summary review of the information provided.

Remember to proofread before submitting your essay. Your lack of correction to spelling and grammar issues in the presentation will have a direct impact on your score in the LR and GRA sections. Points will be deducted for these errors. Always leave a pocket of time to review your work. You need to make sure to spot as many errors, and correct them if you want to aim for the best score you can get in this test.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about the changes that information technology brings to our life (140-160 words). [3]

You gave a direct descriptive response to the question but it is flat in presentation. While you did offer personal knowledge and experience in the explanation, it feels like you really rushed things and tried to over inform the reader. I think this happened because of the lack of transition sentence usage. You need to make sure that you always connect one presentation to the next by helping to do a preliminary introduction to the next topic. That helps to create a smoother presentation and a better response presentation as there is a semblance of analysis included in your discussion response. The essay will benefit from the use of transition sentences because it will help create a more coherent and cohesive response paragraph. Once the different ideas are connected with transition sentences, the meaning of your presentation becomes clearer to the reader.

Undergraduate / Yale Essay - How COVID-19 helped me manifest a dream [3]

Hi, It is difficult to review this essay because there are several essays that Yale requires their students to present. I believe you are presenting one of the longer essay discussion points. The problem is that you did not provide the specific prompt you are responding to, so I am unable to truly review this paper for content. Proofreading is an additional paid service at this site which is done privately. Only a general review of your essay regarding content would be possible at this time. However, the lack of review instructions, as represented by the missing prompt requirement prevents me from doing that. Yale essays require targeted reviews and analysis, so just writing and asking me to proofread you paper will not be useful to you unless I know what you are supposed to be writing about.

Writing Feedback / Many people are of the opinion that oral speeches overpower its paper counterpart - IELTS 2 [2]

Stop adding information to your essay that is not found in the original presentation. You are scored on the accuracy of your restatement. Adding exaggerations such as , From the beginning of mankind" will not help you increase your score. Your number of sentences in the paraphrase will only depend on the number of topics to be restated. So do not go beyond:

- The original topic
- The reason
- Your response

Those 3 sentences will be more than enough, when properly written, to increase your TA score from the very start. Exaggerations and additional information that you made up are not required.

As this is an extent essay, you should not confuse it with a comparative discussion. The extent of your explanation should only cover 2 reasons that will convince the review of your point of view. You did a good job of creatively indicating an extent response with a topic outline. However, using the comparative discussion in the reasoning sentence removed the strength of your opinion. You need to focus on defending only your single point of view in the presentation. No more, no less. Word count deductions will be given for the paragraph that does not support the given opinion. Therefore, your essay will fall under the minimum word count and result in a lower than expected, possibly failing score for your essay.

Undergraduate / UBC - tell us about who you are: intiative-taker [3]

Thanks for the compliment. I hope I can live up to it. Here is my review of this early draft. It is a good draft, but can use some enhancements and changes to help you come across as a unique and special individual in the eyes of the reviewer. I hope my comments help.

Good draft but missing one important element. The reviewer doesn't care about your being gay, that is a non-issue, so is the bullying you experience. What would be more important to the reviewer, isn't the comparison with Michelle Obama but who you are as an original, not a copy. How do your parents view you as their gay kid? Are they supportive? How would they describe you? Not as their gay kid, but as their child, nothing more. Being gay isn't important, who you are as a person, what your character is, that is what matters in this response.

As for your friends, I don't think you should rely too much on the Michelle Obama comparison. Nobody likes being called a copy. I know you idolize her as a role model. However, it is important that you show originality. How are you as a friend? What makes you stand out as a peer to these people? Even when considering the community aspect, it would be better to avoid making comparisons between yourself and such an icon. You are not at an iconic state yet. You might get there, but don't reach for it right now. The reviewer still wants to get to know what makes you special, as you are, not as a carbon copy.

As for the Student Council reference, I am not sure how this fulfills the "most proud of" requirement because there was nothing in the reference that makes it appear to be a notable action on your part. You should think of something that made other people around you admire you or say "good job!" Try to aim for something that you and the people around you would probably consider your most notable accomplishment.

Essays / What is the most important thing - Question about topic? [3]

You cannot second guess the reviewer. You never know which response will work for your essay. There are no right or wrong answers, no perfect response, no properly framed discussion. You just have to be honest and discuss in all honesty. Do not try to portray an image. Just be yourself. Pick the topic you are most comfortable discussing in the statement and develop your response from there. It is your honesty in responding, as it comes across the page, that the reviewer will respond to. Not the topic you chose. He wants to get to know you and what you consider important. The topic could be mundane and impress him, or it could be of high interest and value, but not of interest because of its repetitiveness as a response topic. Think outside the box. That should help you create a more interesting response, but still based on honesty and your desire to make your personality known to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Is it important to follow fashion trends. State your opinions and give examples. [3]

This 400 word essay does not follow the guidelines for a Task 2 essay. You are not paraphrasing the original topic and its reasons, and you have failed to provide a response to the original prompt question. You were being asked to write a simple 5 paragraph essay covering the topic of fashion and to what extent you agree or disagree that people should follow fashion trends. You wrote a whole research paper on the topic, none of which explains the extent of your opinion, since you never actually responded to the question.

This was clearly an extent essay but you failed to understand that. Hence, the incorrect response format and discussion presentation. The 400 words you wrote do not matter in this instance. You will automatically fail the test since you failed to follow the basic parameters for the discussion presentation. Next time, make sure you understand the discussion instruction before you write the essay otherwise, responding in a manner that does not respond to the task will result in another failing score for you.

Letters / Reference Letter for Student Graduate Admission (International Affairs) [2]

None of what you hoped to achieve was reached by this letter. The grammar is severely imperfect. It creates a problem for the reader who is trying to understand what is being said. You also did not truly represent any instance that will highlight your abilities as a student and researcher. The letter does not show any substance at all. You should also understand that the person writing the letter should introduce himself or herself at the start of the letter. This will help indicate the authority that this person has to speak regarding your character as required by the letter. The letter should do the following:

- Introduce who is speaking, what relationship that person has with you, and how long that person has known you
- Describe an instance relevant to your chosen masters program that will highlight your ability in research and advanced studies.

The letter requires professional assistance that cannot be done under our free services. You have to consider our private services for the editing of the content and improvement of the presentation of your letter. As of now, the letter does not work to your advantage.

Research Papers / The cultural background of someone suffering from substance abuse affects how he or she will respond [2]

You have to reverse the opening paragraph. The opening sentence should start with, "The United States is a country of immigrants coming from different backgrounds with different traditions and beliefs, including those beliefs surrounding substances and addiction. ..." and then close with ; "Substance abuse treatment programs in America are failing in how they successfully treat addiction. The way that substance abuse treatment programs are designed now, the majority of patients' relapse and there is only a 30% success rate." Make that statement an estimation on your part since you did not refer to any source for the percentage information. You should also create a clearer thesis statement with regards to the focus of your paper, how the information was collated, how you plan to present the information, and finally, what you hope to achieve with this research presentation. The first sentence of the second paragraph should also be integrated into the thesis paragraph.

For each therapy or treatment you discuss, balance the discussion by including the success and failure rate for each one. Describe the demographics used for the survey. You are focusing on Native Americans, Latinos, and Hispanics, among others, in the report anyway so you have to show the differences in the way each section of the study responds to the various treatment types. That adds to the authority of your information presentation.

Scholarship / [GKS-G/KGSP-G] Personal Statement - International & Area Studies Master's Program [2]

Do not open the essay with a quotation from someone else. It will be better to close the essay with that quote or, place it somewhere relevant in the middle of the presentation. It will be more useful there as it can help create more of an impact based on what you have already said, in your own words. The reviewer doesn't want to get to know you through the words of others. He needs you to use your own words. He doesn't care about what some other person said, he wants to know about you, what is in your mind, how does your brain work? He cannot learn about those things based on the words of others.

Skim over the part about you working at Hapag Lloyd. I need you to instead, focus on the TOPIK Level 2 certification you earned. When did you take the test? What preparations did you make prior to testing? How would you gauge your Hangul proficiency at this point? After that, start a new paragraph that expands on the discussion about your work at the Korean embassy and KOTRA. I would like you to specifically mention work that you did in relation to research or work done in relation to your interest in graduate studies. You have the potential to become a top contender for the GKS - G next year, but you need to properly focus on the strength of your Korean prep work, relevant Korean work experience, and anything else Korean you can think of that will coincide with your masters program studies.