Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1/ THE MAPS BELOW SHOW THE VILLAGE OF STOKEFORD IN 1930 AND IN 2010 [3]

You have written a good number of words. You will be getting maximum scoring consideration overall. I expect that you will pass this test even if you made 4 errors in spelling, grammar, and clarity. That said, there are still some notable errors that you have to take note of.

You should write at least 3 sentences paragraph, avoiding the long sentences / run-on sentences that tend to confuse the understanding of the reader due to combined idea presentation. In the summary overview, you made a mistake in referring to the years involved. The image comparisons are from 1930 AND 2020. It is not a running comparison over several decades. You must be clear and repeating the information as presented in the original. In this case, it is a year v. year comparison. There is a difference. When they say "1930 and 1920", those are 2 different years. When you read "FROM 1930 up to 2020", then that is a running comparison.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discussion essay about "wild animals" [3]

You need to have a more complex restated paragraph. Outline each of the 2 public discussions, even as you present a personal opinion at the end. In this instance, you need to reflect the 2 sides of the discussion first. These are:

- All wildlife needs to be protected
- Only certain wildlife should be protected

You only reflected one of the 2 public points of view in your discussion prior to presenting your personal opinion. This created a tangential response which will definitely affect your overall score. The discussion you present must be based on the original, with all original points of view presented clearly in the paraphrase.

Now, for the personal opinion part. Based on your presentation, you should have had a 3 reasoning paragraph presentation. As such, you need a stand alone paragraph for your personal opinion based on your understanding of the 2 public discussion concerns. A comparative consideration at the start of the personal opinion, leading into your actual opinion would have been perfect for that presentation.

The personal opinion should not be a part of the concluding statement as it must be justified with reasons, examples, and other supporting facts. The conclusion should help the reader get a better picture of your discussion through a presentation of important discussion points at the end.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Newspapers and books in the future [3]

Your response to the direct question is incorrect. You are not asked if printed books will still be popular in the future. The question is asking you to consider the fact that people are slowly no longer buying printed materials as these can already be accessed online. The question is, will people still buy printed material if it is already available for free online? To be more specific:

OT: In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books...
Reason: ... they will be able to read everything they want online without paying.
OQ: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement

Your version became incorrect because:

YT: It is thought that hard copies of newspapers and books will see a decline of sales in the future ( Acceptable paraphrase)
Reason: these reading materials will be available on the internet for free ( Correct)
QR: I agree that newspapers will soon be obsolete. However, I believe printed books will still be popular in the foreseeable future. ( Incorrect Response. Refer to OQ breakdown above.)

You are writing an academic paper. Therefore, slang English words such as "flunking" is unacceptable. You may say "decline in sales" instead. You cannot separate the discussion of printed newspapers and printed books because they belong to the collective description for the topic provided. Both are print materials and books are now available digitally, sometimes for free as well. You do not have a full understanding of the given topic and its discussion requirements.

Scholarship / Questbridge 1, Historical Figure to meet: Gavrilo Princip [3]

You mixed up your question presentations. This response is meant for a different Questbridge essay regarding the proudest moment in your life. Please make sure that you accurately use the prompt questions. Any mistakes can result in the denial of your application. In this case it like you were asked "1+1" then, instead of answering 2, you responded "The Life of Pi". Any reviewer could think you were not serious about your application and immediately end your quest for admissions there.

Going back to the essay with the wrong topic, you do not need to argue with anybody. You are only being asked about who your would want to meet, why, and how that day would go. You gave a history lesson instead. So your response is totally incorrect and cannot be used for this application. The questions you posed are fine. The problem, is that there was no hypothetical interaction and response within your essay.

Assume you were to physically meet him. Where would it be? Why there? How would you ask the questions? Why those questions? How do you expect him to respond? Imagine the meeting and relate it to the reader. Be creative. Make sure to sound thrilled at the meeting. Be in awe. Make it seem like you came away from that day having learned something about the person or the cause that no other person could have without meeting him in person.

Scholarship / "As high as the sky" - KGSP PERSONAL STATEMENT INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS MAJOR [3]

Unfortunately your essay does not meet the maximum page requirement for the GKS personal statement. You are expected to complete this essay on an A4 sized paper. The content should be worth 2 pages of an A4 sized paper pasted on only 1 side of the document. As such, you will need to revise your essay in totality to meet the page qualification. Review the prompt discussion requirements. Focus on only the information required. You need not be so wordy in this presentation. Use a direct discussion approach.

The reviewer has to review hundreds of applications in one day. He doesn't have the time to read about thankful you are to god and whatever other quotes from other people that you want to discuss in the essay. This is not even the time to discuss your plans as a foreign minister yet. There are 4 basic questions being asked in the GKS - U personal statement. Deliver short but important responses to each part. No more than 5 paragraphs of truly thought out responses are required. There is no need for word filler, discussion deviation, useless information.

Think of this as an oral interview with a limited response time. Be short, concise, and clear. Get your point across with the least number of irrelevant word content. That is how you get the reviewer's attention.

Writing Feedback / Services like education, health, social security should be provided by private groups in community [4]

Your essay is only 226/250 words. So definitely expect to lose points for not meeting the word requirement. The essay could have extended far longer into the required count if you had properly discussed the essay. Since you chose the 2 reasoning paragraph method of discussion for the public points of view, your personal opinion should have been presented in the middle and towards the end of every topic paragraph. That means, the your personal opinion should be integrated into the public opinion. Call it a 20/50 split. 20% will consider the public opinion and 50% of the paragraph will consider your personal opinion. Discuss both in an integrated manner and you would have had a more applicable essay presentation.

The concluding paragraph is never a one liner. Aim to restate your total essay within 3-5 sentences for this section. Highlight by restating the topic, reasons, and personal opinion in a new manner. 3 sentences minimum.

Writing Feedback / Hobbie show trends and fashions that indicate what individuals really want to do in their spare time [2]

For starters, you need to write more than 239 words. The minimum is 250 words. Writing less than that will result in severe percentage points deductions due to lacking words. Even if your English is not very good, just make sure to write at least 250 simple sentences. You can aim to write more complex sentences later on, when you are more comfortable writing in English.

The question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" So you cannot simple say, "I can agree". Rather you have to say either "I strongly agree because" or, "I agree to the extent that... " Then explain further in the reasoning paragraphs.

You have to remember that this is not a comparative essay that instructs "Discuss both points of view". It is asking you to defend the single opinion presentation. No more, no less. Use 2 reasons to convince the reader that you have the right opinion. Focus on a single opinion defense. That is way easier to write than having to write 2 opposing points of view. Remember, the clarity of the essay will come from the way that one reasoning paragraph supports the next one. That is what creates a clear discussion. Your discussion when reflective of 2 opposing paragraphs will lack the required clarity of an increased C&C score.

The concluding paragraph must be at least 3 sentences. It has to reflect the topic and the previous discussion points in order to be considered a concluding summary of the discussion. Lacking those entries means you have an open-ended rather than a closed essay discussion. A single run-on sentence, as presented here will also be penalized in the GRA section.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, advertisement has bombarded people with various images and videos on technological devices [3]

If the discussion instruction includes the reference to "Is this a positive OR negative development", then you have already made a mistake from the very beginning of this essay. You cannot say that there are both positive and negative effects because of the single opinion reference. You need to opt to defend only one side successfully within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. This is not a comparative essay discussion that will allow you to discuss both points of view. The word "or" indicates an option which one can take when making a decision. Hence the single choice / topic response.

You have also written too many words for a 40 minute task. Write no more than 275-290 words to ensure that you will be able to complete the full writing check process and also, have a clearer and better developed explanation per paragraph. Errors in grammar, C&C, and vocabulary sections are quite noticeable in this response. So between the incorrect format, and other errors, you may not realize that you have made serious errors that can prevent you from a passing score.

You are using connecting words like "Because" to start a sentence when you should know that connecting words cannot be used to start sentences as there are no ideas to connect at that point. You take too long to create your explanations. Remember the time limit. You need to say more using less words. Your LR and GRA scores, as well as the C&C will benefit from your quicker responses and explanations as this will show a depth of English writing level. The shorter but clearer your explanation, the higher your score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Owning a home is more important than renting [6]

Have you tried writing this essay using a timer? I mean really using a timer while you:
- Read and comprehend the prompt
- Outline the different topics for discussion
- Draft topic sentences for each question
- Create a draft of the essay body
- Proof read and finalize the content

I do not believe you did so. You wrote a total of 315 words, with spelling and discussion clarity issues. Errors that could have been corrected if you had written less and focused on the quality of the content more. You would have also seen, if you had written the essay using the correct outline format prior to simply writing whatever came to mind, that you would have a difficult time writing that many words.

The prompt restatement still uses the same mix of words from the original ( more important than renting) which still makes that reference a memorized phrase. Good job on responding to the why question. You delivered a clear hypothesis to the reader. However, you should have picked either the negative of the positive to discuss in the essay as you were ask an "or" question rather than a comparative "compare and contrast" question.

When you do not pick a clear side to support, you cannot be given a clear score for the clarity of your opinion. In the end you even said "I think", which will further affect your final score as you do not really have a solid opinion presented in this single opinion defense essay.

Scholarship / Civic Engagement Program - Chevening Leadership and Influence Essay [4]

This is certainly a nostalgic look back at a time in your life as a professional. It is poignant and emotionally engaging. However, it does not portray a leadership nor influencing skill on your part. Your essay is confused in presentation. Either you want to prove that you are a female empowerment advocate / leader or, you are an emerging leader in your field of work. You need to pick one to portray clearly in the essay. This is too quiet to be a leadership and influencing presentation. There is no clear professional or community conflict that you successfully resolved. There is only a look back at how you felt during an observational moment in time. So an assessment will show that there are no leadership nor influencing abilities truly portrayed in this essay because you did not seek out a true leadership and influencing moment. However, you did contemplate a time when women in the community needed to have an emerging leader, then stopped discussing that part altogether. Think long and hard about how you will discuss this essay. Either you are a female leader encouraging female development in the workplace / community or, you are an emerging female leader in a world dominated by men in your country. Show how you impress the opposite sex instead and how you beat them in terms of leadership within a project or moment when you felt you were able to shine as a leader even when surrounded by men.

Scholarship / The opportunity to go to the United Kingdom to study - for Chevening [4]

There is no real leadership ability portrayed in this essay. You have not given any indication that you have actually led a group towards the solution of a problem. When you say "We", then you admit to a shared responsibility with an actual leader at the helm. In all of the situations that you presented, you acted in a manner that "suggests" an action rather than "leads" an action. Those are two different things. You should not even be referring to such juvenile instances as accompanying your parents to the doctor. There is no leadership skill in that either. Basically, this essay is full of suggestions you made to leaders. There was no problem that you took actual charge of solving successfully on a professional basis, which is the main consideration for this essay. Portray your development as a leader in your professional field, then we can talk about improving your essay.

As for the influence part, making suggestions could only qualify as influence if you manage to suggest, develop solutions, and actually lead, as in be the point person, for the activity. Influence comes hand in hand with leadership. You only have suggestions here, no influence was exerted to an impressive degree and the influence used is too simple to be of note in relation to what you believe are your leadership skills.

Writing Feedback / Imagine and write one bad thing that happened yesterday [3]

I believe that you are writing this for a creative writing class. So you should be writing at least 250 descriptive words for this essay. While this is an acceptable draft, it still lacks in so many ways. You have to remember that when you are asked to write about a bad day, you should set up the story before you get to the climax. So, the writing format should follow something like this:

Par. 1: The background of your day. What was it like? Talk about the whole day. Start from when you woke up. Did you already have an idea that your day was only going to get worse? Why?

Par. 2: Build up to the climax. If there were a series of events that led to the bad day, then discuss the build up. If there was none, then talk about the almost perfect day and why you were disappointed by the way the rest of the day went.

Par. 3: Finally, talk about the bad day. Build up the event for the reader. Make it exciting and interesting. Your writing right now needs more character and depth. Talk about the habit of your sister, if you often broke into your room and how you often reacted. What made your reaction this time different?

Par. 4: Talk about the after effect of the bad day. How did you feel? What did you want to do to your sister? How did you deal with the situation? Were there repercussions for her? What punishments?

Par. 5: Concluding presentation. Talk about the bad day. Reflect on what happened. What did you learn about yourself? Your sister? How you react to situations? Things like that.

If you revise the essay to be livelier and if you work on creating more interesting characters and backgrounds, your presentation should improve tremendously.

Writing Feedback / The graph gives data on the amount of fish, lamb, beef, chicken consumed over a period of 15 years [4]

Please limit your sentences to one thought process per presentation. Since the minimum sentence requirement for each of the 3-4 paragraphs is 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences, you should aim for clarity in every sentence presentation. That is accomplished by creating a coherent paragraph. The coherent paragraph is based on the singular thought presentations per sentence in relation to the related topics for that paragraph.

Look at these sentence samples. Compare the clarity of these sentences with your presentation:

The line graph image provided data for the consumption of fish, lamb, beef, and chicken. The measurements were taken over a 15 year period. The information provided did not indicate any country in particular as the source of the information.

Based on the starting measurements from 1979, it appeared that beef was the most consumed at 200 grams per week. This was quickly followed by chicken and lamb at ... respectively. Fish, on the other hand...

Note the clearer presentation in the above examples when compared to your presentation. You need to find a uniform way of presenting the information to help keep a standard discussion format in your paper that focuses on clarity rather than the quantity of words. Note the crossover points in the graph where chicken and beef intersected and report on that as will be the comparison point of note in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / What are the benefits of bilingualism or multilingualism? [2]

There are 2 possible exam representations for this topic. It can be a Task 2 or Task 1 essay. However, since this may also be a college admission essay prompt, I am unsure as to how to proceed with reviewing your work. Since you did not provide the relevant prompt for this essay, I will not be able to review this accurately in terms of format and content. All that I can do is offer you a general review of your work.

Let's start with the word count. If you are writing this for a task 1 essay, then your response should only be between 175-190 words. For the task 2 essay, anywhere from 275-290 words would have sufficed. The score is not based on the number of words you have written. You have to focus on writing properly, with quality, and clarity, to get a better overall score as based on the scoring rubic. Task 1, leaves you with 20 minutes to deliver a complete thought explanation. Task 2, gives you 40 minutes. Neither of the test time frames will allow you to write 381 words with time to spare for word proofing. In relation to a college admission essay, I need to know what the specific word count for the prompt is and what the other writing instructions are before I can review it for those specific requirements.

Due to the extreme word count, you failed to nottice your errors in relation to spelling, grammar, and clarity. All of which have a direct effect, due to points deductions in specific sections of scoring, on your final overall score. I will refrain from commenting on this as a possible college essay as I do not have enough background information with which to develop a review for that purpose.

Writing Feedback / Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. What are the causes of this? [4]

Since the original prompt, which the person above failed to consider, does ask for the problem statement, causes of the problem, effects, and possible solutions, you actually followed the prompt requirements as indicated. This is what I mean by students who are not familiar with the essay topics should never pretend to be an authority or offer advice when it can definitely be wrong and simply mislead other students, who are also learners themselves. If one is not familiar with the topic, then one should simply refrain from giving advice as it could lead to mistaken reviews and irrelevant advice.

As for the opening paragraph, you should have completed the restatement within 5 sentences maximum, or at least 3 sentences. You should have represented an actual reference to the reasoning topics that were to follow. So outline your discussion. Your first sentence, the actual paraphrase, still uses the original reference phrase in relation to "many countries". An error that will appear as memorized phrase usage in an actual test. The lack of an outlined discussion in response to the discussion instructions will also affect the first part of your scoring situation as the examiner does not have a solid reference point for your English comprehension skills. Next time, outline your response topics.

Your cause and effect in the first reasoning paragraph is good. The problem, is that you failed to offer a solution within the same paragraph so that it could have followed the expected format of:

- Cause of obesity
- Reason for this cause
- Possible solution
- Example / justification that supports your suggested solution
- Additional explanation / Transition sentence

Although you tried to do that in this essay, the fact that you used 2 topics per paragraph is what forced the discussion format error on your part. Use only 1 topic per paragraph and completely develop that topic based on the above format. That will help you boost your C&C score as you properly connected the discussion requirements for the essay in one paragraph. The 2 reasoning paragraphs become well presented and properly developed in that instance.

As for the conclusion. That is never a single sentence. You should always restate the previous discussion topic, summarize the causes, effects, and then, close with a strong repetition of your suggested solution(s). That will help you properly represent the reverse paraphrase.

Scholarship / Civil Engineer / A practitioner of Taekwondo - Leadership & Influence Question [3]

The first presentation in the essay is too long. It is difficult to follow, too wordy, and takes to long to get to the point. Break it up into smaller pieces. Shorter to mid-length sentences should help you better explain your idea of leadership as you believe you embody it.

The reviewer isn't interested that you started Taekwondo at the age of 6. He is even less interested in your black belt. That is not related to the professional discussion at hand. Either rephrase that to instantly show your leadership in a competitive context instead of as a teacher. As a teacher, these students do not have any choice but to follow your orders. However, if you show leadership that has an end result, such as winning a team competition, then your leadership in relation to the sport makes more sense. Without that representation, the information does nothing to properly inform the reviewer. There is no real leadership ability provided.

For the professional aspect explain several things:
1. The company you are attached to
2. Your position title
3. The problem that existed
4. Why you were given a chance to lead the problem solving group
5. How you actually led the group, it is too vague at the moment.
6. The end result

Your overall essay is highly confusing to read. I do not know if it is because you are not a proficient English speaker, or, if it because you are trying to make a minor role sound like a leadership role. Yes, the latter is what the reviewer will assume upon completely reading this essay. It is not strongly portraying a serious leadership and influencing quality in your. The overall essay is not strong. It is not impressive enough. It lacks a proper explanation of a notable leadership event in your professional career. As for your development as a leader, there is no cohesive connection between your Taekwondo experience and your professional life.

This is a draft that is badly in need of revision. I hope that you can focus on writing a more relevant leadership and influencing essay based on these observations.

Book Reports / Discuss equivocation in Macbeth [2]

Good presentation. However, your last paragraph leaves me wanting to know more. I suggest that you create a final paragraph that discusses the overall effect of equivocation in the play. Use a personal perspective in the last paragraph, if allowed by your professor. Discuss how equivocation in the play created enjoyment or confusion for you. Equivocation can either leave a reader confused or informed. Explain how the use of equivocation affected you or your understanding of the play. Did you find it helpful or confusing? Close by referencing the why equivocation is an excellent writing tool.

The overall presentation is best as the introduction and body of your review. However, you still have room to improve the concluding part. Macbeth is one of the most engaging stories of William Shakespeare. You have a strong presentation. Now, you have the opportunity to close it on an even stronger scale.

Undergraduate / Common App gap year essay (250 words) [3]

This is only a draft of the presentation. You merely enumerated the reason and what you did during the year. You need to create a more creative 250 word presentation. Explain why you think you were not accepted into the universities. How does that relate to your decision to travel to Russia? Be more informative about how the gap year further prepared you for college requirements. Explain with clarity why you now feel more prepared to attend college. Take a more serious and academic tone. At the moment, you are discussing this as if you are talking to one of your friends. You are addressing the admissions reviewer and potentially, the admissions committee. Therefore the respectful academic tone should be observed in your writing.

Writing Feedback / A comparison between man and women with respect to the number of books read [3]

You cannot indicate that both genders numbers showed steady growth when you also say that at a certain point, the women's number stagnated. Do not confuse the trending statement presentation. Pick one trend and present it. If you present more than one reference in that section, you are not creating a trending statement, you are creating a report. Reading your essay, it appears that there is no trending statement at all due to the confusion of the possible trending statement presentation in the second paragraph. You also forgot to report the point in the image where the points for both genders touched. That means at a certain point, the numbers were equal. That is an important aspect in reference to the comparison point of the report.

Scholarship / QuestBridge - Tell us about your proudest moment and what it says about you.. [3]

The essay is too bland and uninteresting. It does not create an imaginative reading experience for the reviewer. It is too one dimensional in approach. To make this more interesting, you need to take the reader on the journey with you. For example, you could start with:

March 20, 2020 -- a day that will be part of my personal history forever. I will never forget my palpitating heart as I entered my school, dreading what was to come. The look on every student's face said it all. A mix of dread, fear, resignation... I probably looked the worst as I felt totally under prepared for the most important test of my year level. Taking a math test was one thing, but an Algebra test? Well..."

Hook your reader first. Use an imaginative presentation. Make us feel what you felt so we can understand why this became your proudest moment.

Writing Feedback / An increasing number of people in many nations are opting to live alone [4]

You have to learn to identify the difference between a multiple opinion essay and a single opinion essay. The minute you read the word OR in the prompt, that is a single opinion essay. When you read "discuss both points of views..." then that is a multiple opinion essay. This prompt has the word OR in it, making it a single opinion essay. That means, the comparative discussion is incorrect. Rather, you need 2 reasoning paragraphs in defense of a single opinion. Your opinion does not show a clear personal point of view. That will affect your overall score as there is no clarity to your opinion that is aligned with the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Opinion on whether or not children should be sent to school with tons of need-to-complete homework [2]

This is an academic essay. Everyday English slang does not have any place in it. Do not refer to "tons of need-to complete homework" as that is simply too informal for this type of discussion. You have inaccurately created a rephrasing of the original prompt. Actually is not inaccurate in as much as it is incorrect. You must refer to the original discussion, the points for discussion, and refrain from presenting a personal opinion at that point. The personal opinion may only be completed after you have presented a discussion of the 2 points of view. After those discussions have been presented, then you discuss your personal opinion in the last part of the essay. So you should be presenting 3 discussion paragraphs instead of 3 reasoning paragraphs with 2 representing your personal opinion. Each opinion gets only one paragraph each.

Writing Feedback / [Writing task 2 - IELTS] Many high street shops have gone out of business in recent years. [2]

You did a good job in delivering the reasons why you think high street shops have gone out of business. You did not do a good job on 2 fronts through:

- There is no clear reference to the high street shops as indicated in the original prompt
- You failed to properly respond to the question provided

The latter part will be seen by the examiner as a reference to your indecision. You must provide a clear opinion in this type of essay. Opt to defend one side. Think of which side you know more about and can discuss in a clear manner. Then use that point of view for the discussion. You cannot choose to defend both sides because you are asked "Is it a positive or negative development". Based on the question, you cannot say it is both. The word OR indicates that you have to choose one side of the debate to represent.

Writing Feedback / Some people say in modern society, we should not use animal products like clothing, food or medicine [2]

If you want to score a 7, you have to work harder on your presentation. As of now, your essay is not really coherent, often doesn't make sense to the reader, and the original prompt is not reflective of the original presentation. These problems will hinder you from achieving your target score. You should read up on current events in English to help you achieve that score. Your knowledge of pop culture and up to date news will make a big difference in your score.

The paraphrased prompt does not work because you have included information that is not in the original prompt. That means you changed the presentation which makes your task representation in that paragraph inaccurate. The first sentence is made up. For this paragraph to be accurate, represent only the original discussion points and respond directly to the question. While you responded properly to the question, the last 2 sentences require you to present an outline of your topics for discussion. The outline helps the examiner when it comes to assessing your English writing skills.

Both your reasoning paragraphs are under developed. You present good reasons but are not capable of properly explaining and defending your topics yet. While you did try to discuss the topic, you ended up using confusing statements instead. For example, you said that animals provide nutrition. However, you did not explain how the animals provide nutrition and why eating animals are important for our survival.

You will not achieve your desired score overnight. You can only achieve that score over several months of writing preparation. Aim lower for now. Aim for a 6 score. With some practice, you should be able to clear up your presentation enough for your paragraphs to make more sense.

Writing Feedback / The line graph displays how much acid rain was emitted by four different sectors in the UK [2]

The first thing you have to do is be conscious of the time allotment of this essay task. You have 20 minutes to write the complete report, regardless of CBT or pencil test formats. You cannot write 232 words using either form without leaving your essay open to errors and also, taking precious time away from the Task 2 allotment. For the task 1 essay, you only need to write 175-190 words. You are bordering on a Task 2 essay at this point, which means you are over writing and you are risking running out of time to completely and accurately present your Task 2 essay. This is not a good representation of your Task 1 essay. I would rather review and advise you based on a Task 1 essay that is more attuned to the time and word requirements.

Scholarship / The representative of my colleagues - Chevening Leadership and Influence Essay [5]

I strongly suggest that you do not use this particular essay for the leadership representation. It is not strong enough. The college level problem is too elementary and not really a leadership issue. The professional representation is also too forgettable and unimpressive to compete against professionals who will have international, diplomatic, executive, and business leadership experience. You should focus on your professional leadership presentation. You might have a stronger chance of representing your leadership experience, qualities, and qualifications if you try to portray yourself as a strong leader who is not reliant on technology in relation to the leadership discussion. Look for an impressive, problem that will highlight your leadership skills and abilities. Focus on professional experiences or a singular, but impressive moment that would create the idea of a world class leader as you might embody it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Problems of living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language [5]

You are speaking of your belief without responding to the question being asked. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You failed to respond to the prompt question which would have been the basis of your reasoning discussion. You should have responded to the additional questions as well and delivered examples of the social and practical problems that could occur.

Do not rush your discussion presentation. Think about your response. Use an outline. Pick one topic per paragraph. Formulate your supporting discussion reasons. Don't just keep on presenting reasons without working out how these relate to one another. It delivers a confusing essay to follow. You need to keep it properly focused on a singular discussion topic per paragraph.

Regardless of the discussion issues, the mere fact that you did not respond properly to the prompt question will hinder your scoring potential. You may not be able to reach the base passing score at this point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Problems caused by action movies and solutions. [2]

Regardless of whether you are taking the CBT or pencil test, you cannot write 357 words perfectly within 40 minutes. You still need time to review, revise, edit, and finalize your presentation. You actually have spelling and grammar issues in the paper that you failed to detect and correct because of the undue fixation on the length, rather than quality of the essay. Longer essays mean that you will run out of time to spellcheck. Failing to spellcheck lowers your LR, C&C, ang GRA scores. All 3 scores are related in the overall consideration.

For the paraphrase, you have the opportunity to clearly tell the examiner what the problems are and what related solutions to reduce the problem could be. The direct topic outline will allow the examiner to see if you actually understood the task requirements or not. These questions are meant to assess your task accuracy, which you did not really do a good job at in this presentation. Present the discussion points, vagueness will not help your score.

The second semi-paragraph presentation is not needed. It does not help to move your discussion forward. It should not be a part of the discussion. Do not refer to any research. Use public knowledge and personal information. Use pronouns, not references. That is the discussion expectation. Your discussion paragraphs lack clarity, related topic sentences, and actual discussion progression. It is truly a long essay but, it is not an effective essay. It does not have a passing score potential.

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of studying overseas [3]

You only have 40 minutes for the Task 2 essay. It would be better if you get used to writing only within 275-290 words. That way you leave yourself time to edit your writing mistakes. From what I can tell, you know several English words, but you are not familiar with the meaning of the words. You ended up using the words in the wrong context / manner. Which, because you did not correct through editing of the final version, will lower your LR score. Errors in in your word usage include:

perk - benefit ( you are mentioning negatives so you should have said dangers, drawbacks, negatives, etc.)
Shred of evidence = very little to no evidence ( you should have just said evidence)

I know you are trying to impress the examiner with your knowledge of English idioms, phrases, and other word usage references. The problem, is that you are not familiar with how to use the words properly. The way it is used in a sentence helps to clear information for the reader. In this case though, you are confusing the reader due to the error in word usage / word reference.

I suggest that you learn how to use English phrases and idioms properly first. Familiarize yourself by reading about the meaning then looking at various examples of how to use the reference in a sentence. If you cannot do that properly, your essay is bound to get a failing LR and C&C score. Aside from these obvious errors, you also have clarity, formality, punctuation, and other vocabulary issues in the essay. Writer shorter essays so you can focus on the editing and proof reading of your paper. By avoiding errors in your writing as much as possible, you should be able to get a better score.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: Line graph - Oil consumption of four main consumers [2]

The reason you are being asked to deliver the image report is because the professional you are reporting to is assumed to not have a copy of the image. So you should not make a reference to having the reader check the image. The image, for all intents and purposes, will not be there. So the clarity of your report will be based on the written report / imaginative details that you provide for the reader's consideration

You forgot to mention how many millions of gallons China and the Middle East consumed. Although you mentioned the US would consume 5 times more, the measurements should be mentioned somehow. Guesstimates will be acceptable in this instance. You need to present figures to create a sense of accuracy in your graph analysis.

Unfortunately, the free review does not include scoring services. That is done only as a private review or URGENT thread. You don't have to worry though, save for a few errors, you should manage to score well in the actual test.

Scholarship / Creations of great infrastructures - KOREAN SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM 2021 APPLICATION [2]

Your essay should fit on a 1 sided A4 sized paper. It should be a total of 2 pages, written on only one side of the sheet. You have used a total of 4 sheets for this essay. So you need to go and shorten the overall presentation. While you are at it, you should also remember to insert a paragraph about your parents and family background as indicated in the discussion instructions. Try to stick to the original topics provided for the discussion. Do not present unnecessary paragraphs such as the first paragraph. I realize that you think you have a gift for words, which is exactly the problem in this essay. You have to keep it short but informative. I hope you can do that because right now, you are really missing the mark in terms of discussion requirements coming from the application form.

Writing Feedback / Discussion essay : Is playing video games and watching TV can be beneficial to children. [2]

Your prompt paraphrase was almost correct. The problem came in the last sentence, where there should have been 2 instead of one representative discussion presentation. If you notice, the sentence does not flow properly. There are 2 unrelated ideas being presented in that sentence which made it confusing and incorrect. While you were right to say that the essay would consider both perspectives, the statement about the negative development, which is a personal opinion, should have been presented as a stand alone sentence. It is different in idea presentation from the other 2 so it cannot be combined with the other sentence that had 2 related discussion points. In effect, you created a confusing presentation that would have made it difficult for the reader to follow your flow of thought.

The essay is missing your personal opinion paragraph. Using this format, you should have created a personal opinion paragraph before the conclusion. The personal opinion is never part of the concluding paragraph because the concluding paragraph will not allow you to further discuss the opinion that you have. It will create an open ended essay, which means you did not really focus on properly developing your reasoning presentation. It could help lower your overall score instead of helping to increase it.

Writing Feedback / A new job; formal qualifications more important than life experience or personal qualities? [3]

Unfortunately band scoring is no longer part of our free essay review. You may receive band scoring comments only if you avail of our private review services or, if you make this thread URGENT. Students who dare to score your essay will find their account suspended as student scoring is not allowed. That said, I will now continue with the general review of your work.

Okay, in the first paragraph, you opened with a memorized phrase. That means the examiner will not be impressed by your writing abilities. Your TA score will be affected by your lack of proper paraphrasing and the missing reasoning topics for the stance that you took. since you said this is a negative development, then give 2 reasons that you will be expanding on in the succeeding discussion. By doing that, you will clearly show the examiner that you understood the topic and the discussion / task instructions. Use at least 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences in that section for maximum scoring consideration of your TA score.

You do not need to use an apostrophe after the S in employers because you are signifying the plural form of the word rather than ownership. Good explanation on why you believe the schooling matters to employers though. I would have liked to have seen an example to support your explanation in the end. Just to drive the point home and create a fully developed paragraph presentation.

You did not do a good job on the reasoning section though. You focused on properly developing the first reason, with room to spare, but then you failed to properly justify the second reason. Which led to an under developed discussion paragraph. Use only one topic in the paragraph unless otherwise specified. Use all of the sentence allowance to help strengthen you opinion in that section.

In the conclusion, do not argue. Nobody is fighting with you. Simply restate the discussion points from the previous paragraphs. All you have to do is sum up the discussion without offering a personal opinion since no personal opinion was required by the original prompt for the end presentation. That presentation is really more of a prompt deviation than anything else. It did not conclude the essay in the summarized manner that was expected.

Writing Feedback / Most people do not care enough about environmental issues .Do you agree or disagree? Reasons? [3]

Your essay is only analyzing reasons for the discussion. You forgot to respond to the question which is "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". Without a response to that question, your essay response will be considered only partially correct in response and will lose points for not having properly responded to the discussion question and not having provided an outline for the reasoning topics. Your rephrasing of the original prompt is now incorrect and, your discussion instruction, as you presented it in the essay, becomes a prompt deviation. Since you changed the discussion instruction for the essay, you cannot get a passing score with this presentation. You should always respond to the questions asked in the prompt restatement because that helps the examiner to judge your English comprehension skills and early reasoning abilities. You cannot save your actual response for the concluding paragraph because that is only used as a summary of the overall discussion. It is incorrect of your to place your extent response there because you changed too much of the original presentation in your paraphrase for it to qualify as still related to the original prompt. You also neglected to conclude the essay in the process, creating an open ended essay rather than a concluding statement for your presentation.

Letters / Motivational Letter for MSc International Horticulture [2]

There are only 2 paragraphs in this essay that you can use as the basis of your revised motivational letter. These are paragraphs 4 and 5. These paragraphs contain the motivation for your interest in the course. However, the representation you give for the motivation is more focused on the academic aspect. You need to provide a better explanation of your professional desire to study this course as well. The decision you made to choose the university need to be further expanded. Relate the university to the course, and the course, to your future job aspirations. That way the motivation becomes clear, outlined, and highly relevant to your course choice. You can complete this essay within 4 paragraphs if you so wish. Just focus the discussion your present aspirations. Do not mention your childhood because that will be difficult for the reviewer to believe and could negatively affect your application. Do not exaggerate. Just be normal in your discussion reference. Be realistic. Start from your first exposure to the field, work your way into how it now relates to your professional ambitions.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Private and public area in carrying out scientific research [2]

You cannot have a partial opinion for this essay. There is no "extent" reference in the original prompt so you only have 2 choices. Either you agree or disagree. You can only defend one side in this essay. The reason for this is because you are not being instructed to compare and contrast or discuss advantages and disadvantages in the essay. You are merely being asked to pick one side and use 2 strong reasons to justify your opinion. You failed to do that in the essay which means you did not understand the discussion instructions. Your conclusion also fails to properly summarize the discussion topic and presentation points. Aside from being a run-on sentence, you also failed to present 3 sentences (minimum) in that section. So the overall approach to the writing of this essay is problematic and could result in a failing score for you in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: A rise in the standard of living in a coutry [3]

When you write the paraphrase of the topic, avoid using information that is not presented in the original prompt. The examiner is looking for an accurate restatement of the original discussion topic and instructions. When you say "It is widely acknowledged" when there is no evidence to support such a claim in the original presentation, your paraphrase becomes inaccurate and deviant. It changes the discussion parameters, which is not good for your paraphrase score. Since there are direct questions being asked in the presentation, you should give direct responses to each. That is to help the examiner assess your ability to understand and respond to English questions.

When discussing these Task 2 essays, you should avoid making reference to any source of information. You can use any imaginary information you want, just make it come from a personal point of view rather than a source material. There is no internet available at the testing center, assuming you are taking a CBT test, which you might have been able to use to do research for the paper. That is why the personal knowledge or information is part of the discussion instructions. You need to use your personal opinion rather than sourced information. You will not be scored on the accuracy of your information anyway so you do not need to bother with using sources in your presentation.

Your presentations will be better developed if you provide the following in a single paragraph:
- Problem
- Cause
- Solution
- Reason the solution will work
- Transition sentence or additional reasoning (optional)

By compressing the information in one paragraph, you will be able to present 2 problems and solutions clearly to the examiner. Such a complete and clear discussion process will help increase your C&C score.

Grammar, Usage / Tense to use when writing about mythology [4]

Regardless of your source material and topic, most research papers use the past tense method of writing. This reference point is used because the information you will be using will be for this essay will be coming from previous publications. You may write in the present tense only if you are offering a personal opinion or analysis of given information. In that case, write as you normally would. Mythology is based in the past, which is why it uses the past time references. However, if you come across some information that was published the same day as your using it in your essay, then use the present tense. It would really be difficult to tell you which time frame to use at this point. While I can offer you suggestions, I can only be definite about the time reference if you can present me with at least a draft of your essay so that I will have a better idea of how to approach the writing style.

Writing Feedback / Sodium, saturated fat and added sugar - Writing task 1 - Cambridge 14 [3]

When you mention that there are 3 pie charts, you need to make a reference as to what each pie chart represents. You can either identify it by chart title or, you can list the chart titles by saying "the pie charts represent... respectively". It helps clarify your summary presentation in the summary overview.

You need to show more comparisons in your sentence. Instead of just using 2 sentences, aim to write at least 3 sentences so that you can clearly refer to an analytical portion in your paragraph presentation. The analysis is very important because it adds to the clarity of the presentation, allows you to show a mix of simple and complex sentences, and also gives you the opportunity to show your analytical thinking to the examiner.

Scholarship / Become a influencer, who will be able to change the world into a better place; Chevening scholarship [2]

Sadly, you are not qualified to apply for a Chevening scholarship at this point. You do not have any real leadership experience to speak of, not from your youth nor within your current profession. Your application will not make it past the first round because you do not embody the type of leadership and influencing skills that the organization is looking for. Ther eis no way to fix this essay because you do not mention any activity that offered a glimpse of possible leadership opportunities that I could somehow spin for you into an actual leadership presentation. The leadership and influencing potential simply isn't there. You will be up against international executives whose leadership and influencing skills have been built over decades. Such a simple essay presentation simply cannot stand up the cut throat competition that exists for the scholarship applicants of this program.