Writing Feedback / [Essay] - Abolish death penalty forever - provide the reasons [2]

@trvaanh
Hi there.

The tenses of your verbs have to be approved. Always use the appropriate words when you are writing as this will help you relay the information in the most meaningful and efficient manner. Having a structured and thoughtful approach to writing will curate substantial content that does not move away from the conventions of writing.

Furthermore, work also on having meaningful and yet shorter sentences that will help you create more substantial writing. Using techniques that minimize filler words to pave way for structure will assist the building blocks of your writing.

Aside from this, I think that your writing already has a lot of depth in it. Keep going.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors.

Writing Feedback / Dealing with crimes - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [2]

@GiangNguyen1807
Hello there!

Evade the usage of filler words that do not contribute substantially to your written content. Focus more on the depth and substance than needing to fulfill a word count. Having this direct approach will help you make concrete your thoughts in order to capitalize on the potential of the meaning you are trying to relay.

Furthermore, try to also incorporate more worldly or real-world examples that truly capture the words you are relaying. If you can do this, you'll foster a more definitive approach to writing.

Consider also making concise the second paragraph to pave way for more discussion in the first paragraph. This will help you create more dynamism in your writing.

Best of luck as always.

Undergraduate / Hindu Community - Emory Undergraduate Common Application Essay- Prompt 3 Essay Help [2]

@Vishnu V
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for here. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.

I think that the flow and structure of your writing is already put-together and well-done. I would suggest trying to be more explicit by adding more real-world examples as to how these things truly work in reality. If you can do this, you'll be able to expound more on the credentials of your writing.

Why specifically do you think this approach is better when it comes to enhancing your application? Why is this sense of volunteerism necessary?Adding more context and definition will help you.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / American Youth and Poverty [2]

@aknutson119
Hello there!

Simplify your sentences as your meaning gets a little bit lost in translation because of the deemed complexity of the structure of your writing. Trying to give out a proposition also entails that you should have a little bit of a mixture of a persuasive and informative tone in your writing to convince the readers that this is something that they would or should have. If you can curate something with all of these merged meanings, you'll improve the overall context of your writing.

For instance, what resources specifically should people look after? Why is this method more convincing and effective than others that may be present?

Consider these questions. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Breaking News - Is it important to know about events happening around the world?? [3]

@Synorita
Hi there!

First and foremost, try to strategically separate your sentences. Notice how, in your introductory paragraph, you should be try to compartmentalize your thoughts more to create more substantive content. Try to apply this all over your writing.

In the second paragraph, it would be more appropriate to say for instance rather than for instances as the former is generally more acceptable than the latter. Try to also evade the usage of repetitive language in order to articulate smoothly what you want to portray in the long-run.

Having a more straightforward approach to your writing will help you create more depth because you'll have more hold over the meaning that you are trying to relay. Because you have to be more specific with your depth, this will enhance the outlook of your writing.

Remember that it's better to have a straightforward approach than anything else.

Best of luck as always.

Scholarship / I love my life, life loves me. KGSP graduate program. Personal statement [2]

@utegenf
Hi there!

In terms of technicalities, your writing is quite sufficient already. I would suggest only that you revise the introduction to create a more appropriate foundation for your writing. I've noticed that it's quite long in terms of explaining the basis of your application. Limit the descriptive portions and focus more on the general content.

Aside from Korean pop culture, what other aspects have driven you to apply? Having a more diverse portfolio will help you in the long-run to create more of a ratinoale as to why you have chosen this path.

It would also be beneficial if you can create more specific examples as to your short-term and long-term plans. What do you want to achieve from this? How will all of this benefit you in the long-run?

Best of luck in your application.

Undergraduate / The influence of my father and his loss - Columbia application essay [2]

@littlecurious
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, I appreciate the story-telling nature of your writing. The elaborate and specific details are all helpful in terms of exploring the specifics of your written content. Because this is a narrative form of content, there is appreciation for the organization of your paragraphs and the condensed nature of your writing. Try to just enhance the tone you're using to maintain consistency in content and appropriate adjectives.

That being said, the structure of the sentences themselves can be improved. Try to create simpler sentences that will enhance the overall content that you have. Notice how you had a clear tendency to create quite lengthy sentences. Focus more on your usage of punctuation and preposition. When you're trying to use punctuation marks, ensure that you're using them appropriately.

For instance, when you're trying to quote, you have to put a comma before the line - otherwise, it would not have the appropriate structure.

Additionally, while the story was great in explaining your thoughts, I feel as though you need to have a more strategic link in the latter or last parts. You were not quite specific as to why your life as an international student had an impact on your experience with your dad passing away. Because of this, try to always set focus.

Best of luck as always.

Graduate / Applying for Master of Management in Finance to pursue a future career as a financial consultant [3]

@godstar
Hi there!

Firstly, revise your first sentence. From the get-go, you were presenting quite a baffling structure because of the composition of your texts. Try sticking with simpler, non-complex structures as this will help you relay the information you are gathering more efficiently. These lengthy forms will not be beneficial for you because they cannot contribute specifically to your content.

Secondly, be cautious of the grammatical nuances that are supposed to be followed in your written accounts. Refer back to your English reference texts as much as possible in order to help you be properly guided. You had sporadic mistakes throughout your writing.

Watch out for your punctuation and preposition usage.

Lastly, try structuring the latter parts of your essay (before concluding everything) with short-term and long-term goals. When you're applying for these upper degrees, remember that evaluators always seek to see how your values, goals, and aspirations specifically fit into the program you're applying for. This will improve your chances.

Best of luck in your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 : essay about self-study and study in group [4]

@oneouran
Hi there!

Firstly, restructure your sentences in a way that you would be able to articulate in a more compact manner. If you can do this, you'll be able to focus more on the direction that your essay is going. Having said that, what this means is primarily omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words when you are writing. Focus only on words that would let you translate your thoughts in a more efficient manner. If you can do this, you'll have more focus in your writing. Remember that writing isn't just about filling in the required number of words. Depth is critical in determining how put-together your essay would be.

As was already mentioned here, it is also essential that you are able to retain an informative tone throughout your writing. What this pertains to would be to evade using words such "I believe" as they do not really mean much for your writing.

Additionally, incorporating firmer examples that are of real-world content would also be beneficial for you as it would help you have a more intuitive writing that's believable and not merely uttering random nuances.

Best of luck as always!

Research Papers / Argumentive essay, obesity in children/ Unhealthy foods [3]

@KelseyWhite
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me do my best to provide you with an analysis of your writing.

Firstly, be cautious of creating stringy and lengthy sentences that do not have much composition and structure. Focus on having simplistic and yet reasonable texts. Having that balanced delicacy with your writing will help you in the long-run in curating lines that are more substantial. Pack all the meaning and definition you wish into smaller chunks of text.

Try to also evade the usage of repetitive words. Even when you're working with synonymous content, try to evade these things as it does not add to the overall substance of the message you're trying to portray.

Looking at your second paragraph, I can tell that it's too stretched out. Try to omit lines here that appear to be rambling. In that light, having an informative tone to an argumentative essay would also help you create a more believable tone to work with. Argumentative essays do not have to shove particular opinions on people - rather, they have to be laying out the details in an organized manner to make the readers believe that there is genuine substance in the text.

Furthermore, omit the usage of informal terminologies that do not positively contribute to your essay. Focus on having that appropriate structure throughout - and it will go a long way.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / Recently, abortion increases rapidly and becomes a controversial topic... [3]

@chituantran99
Hi there.

Welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, the formatting of your sentences can be improved through simplification techniques. Try to use a more straightforward writing pattern in order to articulate more efficiently the words that you're trying to portray. Doing so will help you minimize the mistakes you've made throughout the writing process. If you can do this, you'll be able to create more substantial and in-depth information. Having this simplified, conventional writing is also ideal for when you are trying to express your opinion because the translation of meaning is not lost.

That being said, when you have sentences (see your body ie. paragraphs two and three) that are lengthy, try your best to evade them altogether. Remember that your goal is to always ensure that you are understood by the readers. If you can, omit unnecessary words. If you can, separate your sentences into two different lines.

Always read through your English reference materials as I can tell that you had issues in terms of substantiating. Try to focus more on enhancing the depth of your writing through this process of editing the grammatically incorrect portions.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Economic growth is a way to end hunger and poverty or damage the environment [3]

@vilender
Hello there.

Let me provide a few comments that will hopefully help you in your writing.

Firstly, the introduction appeared to be quite bland. Try to add more details and create an enhanced dynamic writing style through incorporating more specific terminologies. If you do this, you'll create a more descriptive essay that will truly relay the information that you need.

In addition, the transitions that you have appear to be quite inorganic and unnatural. Fix this through minimizing these filler transitions - instead, focus more on building a logical approach to fathoming what your words mean in specific. Having this step-by-step process would help you incorporate more decent information to your text, building more of an informative tone to your writing.

Be cautious of your grammatical composition. You had a few minor slip-ups that can easily be fixed through looking through these information in a more specific light.

Bear these in mind - and best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Death Penalty is essential to control the crime rate [4]

@tonhi2002
Hi there!

I can see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum. I hope that you stay here with us and actively contribute. Let me try my best to help you with this essay.

Firstly, try to evade the usage of useless and unnecessary fillers. Avoiding these words will clear space in your essay, creating a more substantive outlook overall. Furthermore, this will also help you create a more informative tone that satiates the need of these types of analytical written content.

Your manner of transitioning in between sentences is already sufficient. Try using this as an effective base for you to create a more organic tone in your content.

You also have a tendency to create lengthy structures of sentences. Try to crop these sentences (in reference, particularly to the third paragraph) into smaller chunks. If you do this, you'll be more efficient in relaying information.

Be more specific as well when you're introducing technical concepts that are niche-specific. Doing so will help you in the long-run to curate content that's substantive.

Best of luck as always in your writing.

Scholarship / Think about two or three adjectives that best describe you. [3]

@tamu
Hello there. Let me try my best to help you.

Firstly, there were portions of your text that were lacking appropriate punctuation. The first sentence, for instance, should have been sub-divided into smaller portions to help you create more dynamism. Speaking of the technicalities of writing, you had also lacked a few of the fundamental grammatical dispositions that should be followed when you are writing. Try to focus more on substantiating alongside the necessary imposed writing rules. Always review your grammar references.

Furthermore, improving your writing also means learning how to organize your thoughts in a more fluid and smoother manner. You can usually tell when these instances are fluid when you can notice that there are blocks of text that pave way for you to have an open discussion about these words that you are using.

You also have to look at the imbalances that are in your writing. A put-together cluster of texts should appear to have a more symmetrical superficial view for your writing.

Overall, I still find your writing sufficient. There were lapses that could be filled in to create a more substantial outlook. Otherwise, you were able to satiate the fundamental question posed by this inquiry.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / Summarise the information of two maps below show road access to a city hospital in 2007 and in 2010 [2]

@shureoni
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback you're looking anywhere here. Next time, it would be beneficial for us to be given the maps that you are trying to interpret to give us more information about the topic.

Your writing is clear and straight to the point - both traits that I often look for when dissecting these types of essays. I would only suggest that you try to have a more logical, step-by-step approach to writing. What this pertains to would be focusing more on the particular details, creating more depth and appreciation for the flow of your content.

Furthermore, it would also be beneficial to the writing if you can abide by the fundamental grammatical roles that are imposed. Try rereading your reference materials to help you in this.

Best of luck as always.

Research Papers / Cobalt Mining Research Essay Evaluation [2]

@Coralea95
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, try to create more compact sentences. I have observed that some of your sentences tend to be dragging. Evade this through ensuring that your lines are well-composed altogether. Playing around with dynamic structures will help you with this as it paves way for more pacing to be placed into your writing. This will help you create a more organic structure, utilizing enhanced techniques that will relay the information wisely.

When you're using citations, it is unwise to put everything into a single area. Having consecutive citations is also unnecessary and is often not recommended. When you have to cluster citations in this manner, try to prioritize which of the two (for instance, in your second paragraph) has to be given more emphasis. If it's one part, focus on that. If it's the other, then feel free to omit the other portion. Having these clear-cut standards imposed would help you establish a firmer tone to work with. There was a lot of imbalance in the distribution of the background information. Notice how everything is in the vacuum in the first half, leaving the second half bare when it comes to this. Try to avoid this.

Evade the usage of repetitive language when you are writing. Try focusing on a clearer tone, emphasizing more on the substance and depth rather than going around the bush with the information and message you're relaying.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / Which one is better: STEM or STEAM? [3]

@solivagant
Hello!

Generally speaking, your writing profile is sufficient in terms of providing the bare minimum necessary content and structure to make it informative. This is a positive attribute. You only need to enhance your capacity in adding depth to the overall composition, ensuring that you are more elaborate in the long-run when it comes to restructuring your content.

Try to evade the usage of quite loose examples. Instead, focus more on firmer real-world examples as these will be more convincing for your readers to read up on. For instance, in your second paragraph, try to explain that these artistic endeavors are also beneficial and fruitful career paths, especially if in the right geographical location and with ample resources to begin with. Try to give more concrete examples such as explaining how these endeavors plan out in real-life.

Furthermore, try to also be more realistic with your explanations. Is it really true that there is a genuine correlation between academic performance and the artistic endeavors of children? If you can be more specific, this will help you create a more systematized approach.

Best of luck as always in your writing.

Writing Feedback / High salaries for some individuals - discussion essay. [2]

@luna21
Hello.

Firstly, the structure of your essay needs more work. Tinker and tamper with the body paragraphs. Notice how you have difficulty transitioning between your words. I suggest trying to stick more with simpler content as this will help you create more substance while still evading potential mistakes in the long-run. Having this directed focus will help you create more dynamism in your writing.

Focusing on a more organic and dynamic writing style will help you curate a more informative (ergo academic) writing for your essay.

Observe this revision:

On the one hand, first, ... ensure that the ... its inhabitants the equitable distribution of wealth. This is because, it would will bring more equality. And s Secondly, capping high ... control over certain aspects of in society.

Working with smaller chunks will help you create more space for a dynamic discussion, causing you to have more hold over the writing that you have. Try to also use more appropriate examples. Say, for instance, the monopolization example in the second paragraph could be replaced by an example on how profit-oriented companies tend to deprive their lower-class employees of the privilege of substantial information because they feed on this inequality in the system.

Best of luck in your writing as always. Keep in mind these comments.

Writing Feedback / Parents and some teachers recommend naughty and disobedient learners to be taught separately [3]

@tranphuongnhi
Hello there.

First and foremost, work on the structure of your essay. Notice how the transition in your first paragraph is quite bumpy because you were using inappropriate methods of moving between your thoughts. Focus more on an organic approach to writing to help you accommodate to more substantive information in such a short period of time. Doing so will help you minimize the usage of fillers as well, creating a more dynamic essay.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to elaborate with more of an informative tone. Your third paragraph, for instance, appears to be quite baffled and rambling. Evade this type of tone when you are writing as it does not pave way for a fruitful discussion. In your particular case, what you can do is focus more on balancing out your arguments on the teachers' responsibilities versus the behavior of students. Try to create more logical links as to why you think that there is a tremendous social effect caused by undisciplined individuals. Is it genuinely true that teachers focus more on positive students because they get "fed up" with other students? Try explaining things in a more substantive light.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / Causes and solutions of reduced family ties nowadays [3]

@nguyentran9795
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to provide you with substantial feedback on your writing.

Firstly, I have to comment on the fact that I find that your writing is put-together already. What I would focus more on would be adding depth into your writing by using real-world or firmer examples as you go along. If you can, for instance, discuss cultures that have already been engulfed by the massive usage of gadgets in their everyday lives, you will be able to convince the readers that your points are to be accounted for.

Additionally, try to trim down your sentences more. Notice how lengthy and dragging your second paragraph is because you had such long-form content. Try to evade the usage of fillers and excessive language, especially because they do not particularly contribute to your essay. If you have to, keep them at a minimum.

Observe this revision:

To be more specific, while p Parents tend to work overtime to guarantee for the family's financial state, therefore children ... hours at school and studying under increasing pressure to ... and higher requirements of the labor market's requirements.

Try to also remove some portions of your second to the last paragraph to allocate more space in creating a more substantive conclusion. Doing this will help you balance out your writing.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / It is better for young students to learn English with Vietnamese teachers than native teachers [5]

@tranphuongnhi
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find substantial feedback here that you're looking for.

Firstly, I find that your writing is quite cluttered in terms of structure and flow. Try to streamline your usage of words. Try to evade repetitive words and phrases. Trying to seek for alternatives will always benefit you in the long-run because you'll be able to focus more on the general outlook of your content rather than having repeatedly synonymous sentences that do not create depth. Remember to add only lines that truly add value to your content. If they cannot accomplish this, then evade their usage at all costs as it will not positively benefit you.

Observe your third paragraph. You had quite a messy approach when it comes to moving in between your sentences. I suggest trying to fix this through following more conventional writing patterns when you are writing.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Increasing travel between countries enable people to learn different cultures or increase tension [2]

@murph
Hi there!

Try adding more dynamism to your writing through incorporating a more structured and yet complex approach to writing. Instead of focusing on using words that are foreign and odd, try to focus more on how you are using these simpler words to elaborate the words that you're trying to mention or say. Having this approach will help you curate more meaningful content in the long-run.

In addition, I find that your writing lacks more real-world grounding. Try incorporating more examples into the mixture, enabling you to have a firmer approach to writing. If you can make concrete your opinions and thoughts, it will be beneficial for you as you are adding more depth in your essay.

Regarding your second to the last paragraph, you have to create a more logical or definitive linkage between your sentences. What precisely do you mean by the correlation of the emergence of newborn entrepreneurs alongside the blossoming of growth and development opportunities? In what instances are these things beneficial?

Best of luck as always. Just try to take it one step at a time in your writing.

Scholarship / Plan after college - PROOFREADING! Scholarship Short Answer [2]

@tamu
Hi there!

I suggest to firstly try to categorize your writing in a more efficient and well-rounded manner. Try to focus, for instance, on explaining your short-term plans before the long-term ones. Creating this distinction will help you elaborate your thoughts more extensively and with more detail. When you're writing these types of content, it's also critical that you're trying to be as elaborate as possible. Try to be more specific. Create a step by step plan on how you plan to achieve these goals. Remember to also be realistic in the process. In the instance that you are unable to fulfill these requirements, how do you plan to go about it? What values do you wish to incorporate into your aspirations to create a more sentimental approach and a more empathetic feel of the situation?

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / ARE TAXES FOR AVIATION INDUSTRY APPROPRIATE? [2]

@Mikoliver
Hello there!

I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome! I hope that you find the feedback you are looking for here. Let me try my best to help you.

Firstly, try to work on the construction of the flow and structure of your sentences. I have noticed that there were areas that needed work on in order to relay your information more smoothly. If you can focus on this primarily, you'll have a smarter overall flow in your writing. Having this approach entails that you can also maximize the space you have in your essay more because you're going to be trimming down the unnecessary portions of the text.

Take a look at this revision:

It is ... that n Noise and pollution ... ...from a variety of human activities ... ... airplanes but can take shape from ... transportation as well.

If you can recognize which portions are unnecessary and evade their usage, this will help you in the long-run to establish more essential and critical content to work with.

It would also be beneficial for your content if you could extend your words through incorporating firmer examples. If you can, try to focus more on expounding with real-life to demonstrate how realistic your perceptions are of the topic.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay about the most important lesson about money [2]

@michaelayomide
Hello there!

Best of luck in your application. I will try to help you correct this written essay.

Firstly, try to ensure that you're elaborating the sentence with more of a dynamic written structure. This will also assist you in creating a more formal approach that'll be more suitable and appropriate for this type of writing.

Notice this minute revision:

... single-mother household ... taught me how to properly be realistic about the calculation and organization of the budgets of my paid expenses.calculate, ... of expenses

Furthermore, an additional note to consider is that you should try to merge together words and be cautious of your structured flow to make a more sensible composition.

Observe this:

... by prioritizing customer's ... staff the satisfaction of customers and staff, ensuring that money will flow and positively contribute to its growth., this way, ... great.

Keep these in mind at all times.

Writing Feedback / Development of economy required for fight against hunger and poverty. Threat for environment? [4]

@Sun271
Hi there!

I can see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you joining us here would bring you positive benefits in the long-run as you are learning the language.

Firstly, I find that your writing has grammatical lapses that can easily be resolved. Ensure that you are able to get a grasp of the overall structure that you're working with. Never stretch your sentences too thin that you're unable to dissect the information wisely. Try to always be thorough and yet maintain a sense of self as you are writing. Once you have passed through this, you'll be able to fortify a simplified and yet put-together language that'll give you more of a dynamic writing style.

For instance, take a look at your second to the last paragraph. The second sentence appears to be overstretched and unnecessarily long. Try to minimize the usage of filler words - or the usage of phrases that make you appear as though you are merely mumbling than adding anything substantial to the text. Bear this in mind at all times.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to add more diversification in your writing by evading synonymous words altogether.

Take a look at your second paragraph. Try this revision:

... to live in an economically thriving country which has a thriving economy. Firstly, the more ... appear there are more job opportunities where there's an emergence of companies. Therefore, it is probably easy easier for poor ...

Best of luck in your writing as always!

Writing Feedback / The price of 800 grams of four kinds of bread in a particular European country [4]

@Sangdoan
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum.

Firstly, try to use words that would help you compress the language and your articulation in general. It is quite noticeable how there were instances wherein you should have opted to change up the formatting in order for you to save up space. Remember that, in writing interpretative and analytical content, it is critical that you are able to maximize the space you have as you are working with smaller chunks of text.

Having said that, observe these revisions I will make:

There was a reach the highest point of was 1.8 euros ...

Notice how a small change like that can simplify your language even more so.

Try incorporating similar techniques in the process.

I have also observed how you had small mistakes in terms of grammatical composition.

Observe the following changes:

The brown bread rase shaply rose from ... until it surpassed the price of wholegrain in 2002 then before becam becoming the highest at 1.6 euros in by 2005.

Review your fundamental grammatical rules.

Best of luck in your writing as always!

Writing Feedback / Making people believe in Arts - IELTS task 2-- discussion Essay [4]

@luna21
Hello there.

I see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum.

First and foremost, I find that while the initial portions of your essay had quite an innovative delivery of the message, try to stick with conventional forms and/or structures. You can still pose the questions in a way that would not necessarily be in a question format. This narrative-type of building and imposing a structure will help you in the long-run in curating useful information. Focus on this. This is most especially because the tone of your language should go in this direction.

Observe the following changes that I will make in the latter portions of your text:

However, d Despite of ... should still remain a significant aspect of in our customs; and there ... ways we can to guarantee that. ... increase sectoral career options in this sector. ... its financial aid, new ... galleries could can be built, thus providing job openings for the population. ... subject in schools and universities educational institutions.

Best of luck as always in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Developed and developing nations should both combat climate change [5]

@Katherine_Tu1101
Hello there.

First and foremost, there's a general observation that you focused more on curating content that's for the background of the topic. You had evaded answering the fundamental question. While you were able to reiterate and give out substantial information as to the progression of environmental concerns, you were unable to answer who specifically should be responsible for these changes. I suggest trying to revise the overall content in relation to this commentary.

Overall, your writing style is quite impressive. There is dynamic pacing in your writing, making your structure useful when it comes to showcasing how you can curate long-form content. You had smooth transitions between your lines and had an effective tone spread throughout.

Having said that, focusing more on the depth is critical when you are writing. Try to elaborate more on the topic and focus specifically on that. Afterwards, we can discuss how you can improve your writing through creating more concise sentences.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Essay about the problem of stress [6]

@Thangnguyen315
Hello.

Thank you for being a consistent learner on the site. We are hoping that we've helped you nurture your English writing.

Taking a look at your essay, I find that your grammar is substantially well-off already. Your writing is quite put-together, making your content useful when it comes to its overall flow. I would suggest only that you try to focus on correcting the overall tone of your content. I find that there were instances (take, for example, the second to the last paragraph) wherein you were quite unable to conduct your writing in an efficient and informative tone. Focus on curating more content that's accommodating to this perspective - this will help you establish a formal tone.

Take a look at this proposed revision:

... degradation might be is ... As many types of air and water pollution ... threat ... such as air and water pollution, this can puts enormous ... on finding ... this problem to find a solution. ..., which may easily ... struggling pressures them to live ...

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Advantages and disadvantages of genetically-modified foods [4]

@phamhieu98
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback here beneficial for your writing.

Firstly, try to focus your writing techniques to compressing information. This will enable you to curate more substantial content in the long-run. As you work through the writing, try to evade the usage of irrelevant and unnecessary lines that do not particularly contribute to your writing. Doing this will help you focus on what's necessary, ditching the useless portions of the text.

Notice how I will revise this portion of the text:

... exert some negative impacts on both individuals ... bio-engineered foods.
... in some diseases ... disorders among people.

Try to minimize your usage of words (ie. "some") that would create quite an uncertain tone in your writing. If you are able to, focus your writing specifically on writing as though you are specific and certain. Tone is critical when you are writing.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / The population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011. [3]

@Thao Huynh
Hello there!

I can see that you're new to the forum. Welcome! I hope that you are able to garner substantial feedback from this forum to help you in grasping the language more.

Firstly, compressing the language that you're using in your text will substantially help you in the long-run. If you are able to focus on details that you specifically need, you will be able to tailor-fit your content more to what's necessary.

Ensure that you are abiding by conventional writing standards at all costs. If you are able to do this, you'll have have more of a formal tone that will help you in the long-run curate informative content. That being said, focus on the overall flow of your content as well. I have noticed that, while you do have observations, the way in which you transition and work through the words have to be improved should you seek to substantiate all of the details more.

Let's take a look at your essay. Observe these changes I will make:

The table illustrates the number of one town's bicycle riding population of one town who rode bicycles in 2011, according ...
... of female bicycle riders who ride bicycle gained in popularity ... of the male. However, both of w Women and men, who aged from 0 to 9 years old, was were most ...

Try to curate more formal content.

Best of luck as always in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: A BAR CHART SHOWS IRRITANTS FOR THEATER-GOERS [4]

@thaley
Hi there!

Firstly, try minimizing the usage of words that are unnecessary. I repeatedly mention this to others as it will help you curate more long-form content that's substantially pact, helping you become more effective in writing as you would have more space to work on your overall depth and substance.

In addition, try to work on the overall formatting of the writing that you have. Ensure that you are consistently abiding by the writing standards and rules that are imposed by conventional writing. If you are able to do this, you'll be able to focus more on writing critically and efficiently.

Try to observe these revisions:

Among the irritants related to for sound, ... highest at approximately 90%. ... mentioned in all groups, followed by 80% of those polled quoting ... of the irritation. ... phones were also given by a ..., all over 30%.

Notice how much space (word count) you are able to save through this method.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / The amount of time spent by telephone in the UK, in three categories, over the seven-year period [3]

@oneouran
Hello there.

Firstly, try merging similar thought processes altogether. This will help you create a more dynamic structure that will enable you to trim down the unnecessary content of your sentences. Furthermore, if you are able to omit certain words that do not add value to your sentences, opt to do this as it will help you curate a concise structure that is not reliant on filters.

I have also observed that there were instances wherein the writing you had shown had off-putting grammar. Try to minimize this through ensuring that you are able to relay the information in the text using the conventional grammatical rules. Having that straightforward writing approach will help you focus more on these types of details compared to others.

Additionally, try also utilize terminologies that will help you save space. Focusing on the usage of terms that are more compact in terms of meaning and structure will help you in the long-run.

Observe the following revision:

In the year 1995, ... mobiles calls had increased gradually. To be more s Specifically, there were ... in the first year, and ; the number kept rising to just over 60 ... In terms of m Mobiles calls, had only less ...in 1995, ; however, ... its peak in the year 2002, at just over ...

Eliminating these unnecessary lines will help you condense the details more in your writing.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Animal experiments to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other products [3]

@sandyhsu
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'm going to try my best to assist you in this essay through providing an extensive feedback.

First and foremost, try to evade the usage of words or lines that are unnecessary to adding depth to your sentences. Focus more on adding more structure and creating more dynamism in your writing - this will help you incorporate techniques that are focused on compressing all your thoughts into smaller chunks of text. Remember that when you're working within word counts, you are confined and should always prioritize the information that you want to showcase more.

Having said that, observe this revision:

There are more similar ... beings which that are easier to obtain the biochemistry ... However, ... use cell-based tests, creating human-like modules to access predictable patterns. and establish ... the patterns.

While in the beginning of the text, it was alright for you to articulate your opinion and stance, you should evade this pattern of writing on the latter portions - especially if you are attempting to establishing long-form information for your content.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the proportion of overweight men and women in Australia [2]

@myronpage
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, I suggest articulating your sentences in a clearer and more concise manner. Try not to stretch your sentences when it's unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the overall substance or meaning that you're trying to relay. Doing this will help you be more cautious of the words that you're putting into your sentences. Remember that a simple straightforward approach can be as effective as complex structures, especially if you're working with data or chart interpretation.

For instance, take a look at this revision:

... overweight; and this figure ... Although the figure it reached the peak ...

Trying to omit as many filler words as you can help will help you curate more interesting and put-together information.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Reasons affecting farmland degradation over the world [2]

@LUNA94
Hello there.

First and foremost, I highly recommend that you try to be more concise with your articulation. You stretched a few sentences too thin, prolonging the arguments more as you were unable to compress everything into smaller chunks of phrases. If you can focus more on relaying the information smoothly, it'll help you create more of a dynamic structure.

Take a look and observe this revision:

There are main three reasons factors affectsing farmland degradation. As much as 35% of ... by too much excessive animal grazing, approximately 30% of global degradation is due to forest clearance, and ...

Notice how you can save up on space in your writing if you focus primarily on wordings that you need. For instance, there's no need for you to to repeatedly mention that the context of the figures are for degradation as you had vividly articulated this early on already.

I suggest implementing the same technique or mindset on the latter parts of your essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / How to write an appeal for scholarship to a college board. Include strong points and remedies [2]

@zagger_dat
Hi there!

I'll do my best to provide you with feedback on your writing.

First and foremost, I find that your writing is well put-together. You were articulate with acknowledging what had gone wrong throughout your stay (and hence why you have lost the scholarship). And yet, you were also clear that you wanted to take responsibility for the consequences of what had happened. I find this to be a courageous approach to the situation, enabling you to relay that you are mature enough to handle it.

I would suggest that you try to extend the arguments that you had regarding your acquisition of the job opportunity at the Student Access Services. If you can do this, you'll be able to fortify the reason and rationale as to why you have chosen to partake this field. What were the reasons as to why you had needed to take up an additional job? If you can discuss this - even with personal details incorporated - you'll be able to strengthen that this was not a decision that you had made on a whim.

Other than this, I suggest revising the logical and grammatical composition and structure of your second to the last paragraph. Some sentences in the initial parts of the sentence were a bit confusing regards to what specifically you had meant by them. Doing this would help you become more articulate.

Best of luck as always! I hope the best for your appeal letter.

Writing Feedback / Room for Improvement - Rhetorical Essay Comparison and Contrast [2]

@Martinez1011
Hello there!

Let me do my best to provide you with substantial feedback on your essay.

Your writing has a lot of demonstrated depth, meaning you are able to articulate in detail the reasons as to why a specific argument should be recognized in the process. Regardless, you should also attempt to compose your messages in a way that you are articulating with more precision. Having a straightforward approach to writing will help you create a more dynamic and educational background, enabling you to have more hold over the entirety of the text. Recognize it when you are becoming repetitive already as this will help you trim down the excessive words.

I have also noticed that you had a few grammatical/technical slip-ups throughout the entire process, making it quite difficult to discern some portions of the text. Notice the second to the last paragraph of your text. Some areas here were quite intrusive and inarticulate in relaying the message.

Observe this revision:

... with the audience as well as ... them through using relations. They use t Their article is to educate other healthcare professionals in the ways that prove that patient ...

Having a more concise hold of the language helps tremendously.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Encouraging the young people to live alone - is it a good idea? [3]

@solivagant
Hello there.

First and foremost, try to ensure that the language you are using in your articulation is academic and/or informative at the very best. Doing so will help you incorporate writing techniques that are going to compress your thoughts into smaller chunks, enabling you to articulate more efficiently and effectively. That being said, focus on trimming down excessive words and use more of a straightforward approach when you are writing. Doing this will enable you to establish a firmer tone.

Observe this revision:

Parents have different varying views on how to treat ... grow up adolescent individuals. Some think that it is better ... to their own devices. Inspite of some disadvantages,...

Removal of articles is a great technique to help you in this process. Doing so will also assist you in forming smaller chunks of texts.

Try to also find more organic ways to transition between your sentences and paragraphs. I have noticed how you used mainly textbook-type of articulations - whereas you could have used more efficient ways such as a naturalized approach to writing. Doing this will enhance the complexity of your writing, moving away from the typical and conventional forms.

Best of luck in your writing.