Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Pros and cons of private healthcare system [3]

You misunderstood the prompt requirement. This essay is not instructed to be written as an A/D essay. This essay asks an opinion question that you have to respond to:

Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages? Pick one side to defend in the essay. Why should you pick only one side to discuss when the question asks "do the advantages... its advantages?" The answer to that question lies in the discussion instruction itself. Had the prompt asked you to accomplish the following: "Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give a personal opinion", then you should have definitely done the A/D format discussion. Since the question asked you to pick one side, then this is a single opinion essay, not a comparison essay. So your TA approach is all wrong for the essay and will definitely pull you back from achieving a 5 band score.

Since you gave a direct response to the question, which shows you have a given opinion on the topic, the examiner will score your essay based only on the part that you wrote, which supports the stance you provided in the paraphrase. Therefore, your essay will fall under the minimum 250 word count and suffer points deductions for that. You have to learn to decipher what kind of essay you have to write in response to the given instruction or discussion recommendation. There are several ways of discussing this topic, but only one approach to the discussion question. That is the singular opinion approach.

Based on the error in your approach, I will refrain from scoring this essay. It will not achieve a satisfactory band score. I would rather score your next essay, which I hope, will show a better understanding and approach to the given discussion topic.

Writing Feedback / non-exam, arts-based subjects should be compulsory in the secondary curriculum. Agree or disagree? [2]

I found this to be a very confusing essay to read. Most likely because the first reason does not make any sense and the second reason was just a practice in using big words that do not make sense in the overall essay presentation. Hence the lack of clarity and cohesion in both paragraph discussions. When the examiner cannot make sense of what you have written, you will find that your score will suffer in the end.

You missed the opportunity to create an impression in this essay because you did not use topic sentences to start your paragraphs. You chose to use ordinals instead, which led to you forgetting what you were talking about. This can be clearly seen as a problem in the following presentation:

First of all, the betterment of academic transcript ... through the. Relating to practical findings...

Do you see what I mean? You forgot what you were talking about in the previous sentence. You left it unfinished. Since you did not bother to double check your work when you completed it, you neglected to see the problem sentence and correct it. These are the types of errors that force the failure of an essay.

Next, you had an undue focus on the use of the word equilibrium. A word that did not make much sense in relation to the given discussion. It feels like you discovered a new English "big" word and could not wait to keep using it in a sentence. An examiner will realize that the use of the word is forced in the sentence and understand that you are not trying to write a clear essay, just a word impressive essay. That will work against your score in the end.

Always remember to read the work you just finished. Try to catch the explanation errors and replace any words that you used which feel forced in usage. The essay is academic but requires a conversational tone. It has to have a natural feel to it when read.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Cause and Solution to extinction of wild animals [5]

Read the prompt. How many sentences are there? 3 right? Every sentence needs to be represented in the paraphrase. Not just the response to the questions. Offer:

- The topic
- Response 1
- Response 2
- Response 3

Your format is incorrect. The essay asks you to discuss reasons, so you should be presenting a 3 reasoning paragraph based on:

- Cause 1 with transition sentence for Cause 2
- Cause 2 with transition sentence for the integrated solution suggestion
- Explanation of the integrated solution suggestion

Limit yourself to 5 sentences as per the standard format requirement of the essay presentation. You are only jabbering away, trying to impress the examiner with your knowledge of English language. He is more interested in how you can explain yourself in a fast, short, but accurate manner. Long essays will never get a high score. A comprehensive and not over thought essay presentation will increase your score.

You must present more than one reason because the prompt asks for the plural of reason (reasons) but asks for only one solution. The reasons must be related because you are only allowed one solution presentation. The solution must be useful for 2 scenarios. The essay is forcing you to analyze the topic and discussion. It is not asking you to just keep on typing. Consider the instruction requirements at all times. Fail to do that and you miss out on the real methods of increasing your score.

Analyze the essay. Don't just focus on your word count. A well explained essay is always going to be better off than a long winded essay.

Writing Feedback / The line graph compares the proportions of fertility in China and USA from 1920 to 2000 [2]

The reporting is good enough to possibly warrant a passing score. There are few errors in spelling and grammar that need to be addressed along with some referencing improvements that need to be pointed out.

You do not need to capitalize the word "the" in reference to the USA. Only USA needs to be capitalized because that is the proper noun in the reference. It is the actual name of the country.

When referencing the measurements, do not use the same numerical reference in a single sentence. When you say that China's birthrate was exactly 10% and the USA was over 10 percent, you create a redundancy in the presentation. Offer instead an estimate of the measurement. You could have said "the USA birthrate was estimated at possibly 12 percent" instead. Offering an estimate shows an analysis of the information instead of the simplistic repeating of data, where it might be inappropriate.

Vary your word references. You don't have to keep saying the individual names of the countries. You could say "both countries", "individual nations", "per country", or other variations. Work on improving your LR score through the use of synonyms.

Oscillations is a complex word, but not applicable in the reference of the essay. You are trying to impress the reviewer by using advanced vocabulary where you can. Even though it does not feel right, nor does it properly apply to the context you are writing. Do not use big words if you are not use of the applicability of the definition. The report still needs to sound like it was written by an ordinary person, not a scientist. Using everyday words, in the proper way, will get you a better LR score than using complicated words out of context.

Writing Feedback / The graph delineates the temperature differences among Paris, Boston, and Melbourne [2]

Please remember that in order to write 240 words, you will need to have 40 minutes to write an essay. You only have 20 minutes to write this essay. Therefore, you cannot write more than 175-190 words. Focus only on content delivery, not on an explanatory essay. Additionally, do not use Vietnamese text in your writing. While you will not be scored down for that, it will not add anything to your score since you are taking an English language test.

The measurements are not based on simply a year. It is based on an "undisclosed" year. Be accurate in your data presentation. When no year is provided, you must indicate so. The essay is simply too "wordy" you do not need to be highly descriptive in a task 1 presentation. You only need to be data accurate. Avoid writing overly long sentences as you do here. Those do not equal a complex sentence. Those are considered run-on sentences that prevent you from meeting the 3-5 sentence requirement per paragraph. You have to recognize when you cut the sentence short due to over information, which should be represented in a succeeding paragraph instead.

There are several overlapping points in the graph that you did not indicate in the report. You have to remember, when the instruction asks you to make comparisons where relevant, you have to find the overlapping point(s) and report it. If there are several, as in this essay, opt to use one or two representations. You don't have to report all the comparison points, just let the examiner know you were conscious of the instruction by including it in the report.

Writing Feedback / Living with friends rather than with families badly affect the community. Do you agree or disagree ? [2]

When paraphrasing this essay, the response to the question will help you restate the question in a manner that will help your TA score increase considerably. You can do that by directly responding to the question in the last sentence of the restatement and then, offering an explanation that you will explain fully in the next 2 paragraphs. In this question, you failed to respond to the question directly in the essay. It is neither in the paraphrase, body, nor conclusion of your presentation. Which means, you did not properly represent the discussion format in your essay. The measured response for this essay could have been:

I strongly (do not) support
I fully (dis) agree
I totally (dis) agree
Or any variations thereof would have helped you achieve a better TA score in terms of prompt and discussion accuracy.

Now, while you will not be scored down for writing more words than the minimum, I have to tell you the truth, writing over 500 words will not be helpful to your essay. Neither will you be able to actually write 500 words, regardless of whether you take the CBT or the pencil test. The ideal word range is only between 275-290 words. You are not writing a research paper, you are just writing a simple opinion paper. Focus on the quality of your words, not the number of words. Writing more words, contrary to what tutors tell the students, will never result in a passing score. Not when the student sacrifices the accuracy of their LR, C&C, and GRA scores for the number of words.

Your undue focus on the number of words forced you to turn a single opinion essay into a comparative essay. That was never the point of the essay. There is no middle ground when the question clearly asks you to pick one of two possible responses only. That is why you are asked "To what extent do you agree OR disagree?" Wherever the word "OR" is used, a single opinion essay is warranted.

Focus on defending only your supported position using 2 separate reasons in the 2 discussion paragraphs. That will clarify your position and strengthen the overall essay presentation. The undue length of your essay resulted in several grammar, spelling and conciseness issues. Which, I will not mention here anymore since your essay was not written in the proper format anyway.

Book Reports / Essay paper on "The storm", "The lottery", and "Samuel" - what to write? [6]

Focus on the portions of the stories that refer to foreshadowing and irony. These are the two most common elements that can be found in the stories as the author is known to constantly use these references to portray important events in the story. Irony is the most common red herring used by Ms. Jackson in her essays. She always makes sure to distract the readers by having her main characters react one way, which is perceived by the characters in the story as any reader would, when actually, she means something else. You can easily find the references to these points within the stories themselves. Either through the actions or dialogue of the characters. These two references alone should help you write a complete paper already. It's a good start for your essay paper. Just remember to read both stories and note the situations that refer to what I indicated here. You should be able to write a convincing essay if you have enough references, say one from each story, that can prove that common point of story telling from the author.

Undergraduate / Personal statement to apply to universities in the UK (just the introduction and the conclusion) [2]

It would have been alright for you to post just the beginning and end of your personal statement if you had remembered to include the prompt in your posting. I need the prompt to be able to decipher whether or not your introduction and conclusion are on the right track or, if you are way off based in your presentation. All I can do now is provide you with a general review, based on the general expectations of a personal statement.

Although some people will advise you to use quotes or references from other people to create a "hook" for your opening statement, the reality is that reviewers dislike reading such cop-outs from students. The reason being that if you have to rely on the words of other people to create an interest in your application, then you do not have an ardent desire to enroll in the course. If you had a true desire or interest in the course, you would not need other people to speak for you. If I were your academic adviser, I would ask you to think long and hard about your introduction because that is the part where you should be showing your emotional, academic, and career based interest in your potential course. You should be able to relay that interest in your own words, that is why the reviewer is looking for.

I cannot review the concluding part without the complete body of the essay and the prompt requirements (if any). The conclusion is supposed to tie the whole narrative together. This isn't a complete narrative, this is only a useless series of texts that a reviewer cannot use to help you improve your content. If you are not comfortable posting your complete essay in public due to plagiarism concerns, you may avail instead of our private review services. That way, I can give you a more useful review of your work and offer proper corrections for the content and presentation.

Writing Feedback / The table below gives information about the languages that high school students speak at home in one [3]

Since you did not upload the image with your data report, I will not be able to assess your essay for prompt responsiveness and data accuracy. I am going to be limited to grammar checking only. Kindly remember to upload the image next time so you I can give you a full assessment of the work you have done. Thanks.

You have spacing problems within your essay. Since you are most likely taking the CBT, you have to make sure that you hit the space button after placing a period at the end of a sentence. You need to follow writing rules that indicate the need for a space between the punctuation mark and the first letter of the next sentence. Without the space, the computer indicates a spelling error, which will have an effect on your GRA score due to your inability to properly format sentences.

Without the image, I cannot tell if you were correct to use an uncertainty reference in the description of the speakers. Normally, the data report is based on accurate numerical figures. Which is why words that connote uncertainty of information is not used in Task 1 essays. However, there are times when the so called "guesstimates" are used to indicate an in-between figure where the image does not indicate a numerical figure for the measurement.

Letters / Apology letter for being late in submission [3]

You should be saying that you are currently under lock-down, which totally prevented you from submitting the documents using any form of personal or delivery service. Prior to that statement, you should be explaining why you were not able to submit the document before the lock-down was enacted in your place of residence.

You cannot leave an open ended date for your submission. You have to indicate a time-frame. Do you know of the possible end of lock-down for your area? If so, indicate that in the letter. If not, then ask for their patience and understanding as you are unable to circumvent the lock-down rules at this time.

Do not use the word mistake. Call it an act of God, an act of nature, or force majeure. This was not a mistake but an unexpected delay that was out of your control. It was an unforeseen circumstance that prevented you from fulfilling their expectation within the deadline.

Writing Feedback / A 'fresh crisis' is probably a hardship or an obstacle that we have to overcome [3]

What I immediately noticed with your essay is the creative title that you gave it. Never lose that gift. It is the title that will first catch the reader's eye and, if found to be interesting enough, will be the most useful hook that the essay can give the reader. Excellent word choice. It is simple, but effective. Try to kick up your English vocabulary a notch. Aim for intermediate word usage so you can grow you simplistic vocabulary to a step above.

You have to learn when to use commas to help create a more readable sentence. A comma is often used:
-After an introductory element (So, To prove this)
- When writing a series of connected words as a successive list (Oxford comma)

Properly placed in sentence usage, it can be effectively used to create effective pauses in a sentence:
-For example, the fact that the children didn't talk to their parents, uninterested in family affairs, and were total freeloaders, got the...
- ...sea are much more clear , and the ozone layer ...

The above examples use an Oxford comma.

Do not use a semi-colon in the part that indicates: ... environmental pollution; animals... That should use a colon instead.

The following are questions, not things people said. These are things people asked and should use a question mark at the end of every sentence:

- what good can this virus bring
- how can we look at the positive side at such a time

What and how connote questions. You cannot agree with questions. However, you can ask the same questions or, you can give responses to the hypothetical questions.

When a person thinks, he will not have a "faster" truth. Rather, he will have a "realization" only. You can instead say, "... the more we will realize..." More connotes an addition of realization.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - task 1 The charts below give information on the ages of the population of Yemen and Italy [2]

This is a 20 minute task. It requires a summarized discussion of the given data. That should be completed within 175-200 words. You wrote 270 words. Which is the equivalent of a Task 2 essay requirement. You should not be writing this many words for a task 1 essay. You merely have to summarize the information and give comparison points where relevant. You don't have to write the length an opinion paper for it. Simply writing 5 sentence per paragraph, within 4 paragraphs would have been more than sufficient for this task. You would have run out of time to complete your Task 2 essay at the rate that you focused too much on the Task 1 essay presentation. You would have failed to complete the task 2 essay on time.

Even with the over writing, you still failed to present a complete summary overview. You failed to mention that there were 4 pie charts presented, 2 for each year indicated. When you wrote the trending statement at the end, you neglected to mention that this was the trend for both years. In your current presentation, there is a lack of clarity regarding where the information applies to.

Since you are the one reviewing the data, you need not use filler phrases like; "one can see that..." Just go directly to the data presentation. These phrase and word fillers are the reason why you wrote the equivalent of an opinion essay in what was supposed to be a data summary report. You neglected to take into account that your audience will not want to read rambling reports as these are professors, lecturers, and professionals. Your audience requires short but informative summary data presentations. Always, always consider the audience you are writing for when tackling a task 1 essay so that you will not end up with a needlessly wordy essay.

The rules for writing a task 1 essay are simple, clear, and easy to follow. Keep it short but informative. Stick to a direct data presentation with no opinions coming from you. Just enumerate the data as seen. Be concise. This is not an opinion essay.

Good work with the report though. It is clear and informative. If only you could do the same thing in a shorter manner, the report would have been great.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of overweight children in some societies has increase. Causes and problems? [2]

A word of advice, try to avoid using long sentences in the prompt paraphrase. Since you are first gauged on your TA, LR, and GRA score through your presentation in this paragraph, it would be best to show your best abilities at this point. That means, writing 5 complete sentences that show off your skills. For the paraphrase you could offer the following:

- A description of the discussion topic (obesity as a concern among adolescents)
- The reason parents are worried ( 20 percent rise in obesity rates)
- One reason that you think causes the problem
- One result of this problem
- Transition sentence

I would have presented something like:

Obesity among young people is seen as being on the rise. With a twenty percent increase in the childhood obesity range, it is understandable why parents would be concerned about the health of their children. One reason that obesity is going out of control is the easy access to food supplies that children have. The ease of food access has caused children to make children overeat. It is time we had a serious look at these two related discussion points.

Note that I did not say "In this essay, I will..." because the discussion topics that will be forthcoming have already been spelled out. The examiner already knows you are writing an essay, there is no need to remind him of that. Just get to the point. You only have 40 minutes for the task. By outlining your discussion, you will also have a constant reminder of what you have to discuss, preventing you from going off topic or over discussing the content of the essay.

The format above also helps you to think of a related problem and result. In your current discussion, you are not really creating a cohesive essay because the topics are too numerous to relate with one another. Related topics could be:

Reason: Children who have easy access to food through food delivery services tend to spend more of their time eating unhealthy food that results in weight gain.

Result: Heavyset children do not like to move very much because of the physical weight they carry. That is why they do not want to exercise. These lead to health problems such as ...

Basically, you have to present a clear singular cause and a clearly explained effect. Looking at the example above, you should see exactly what I mean:

Cause: Easy access to food
Effect: Weight gain and lack of exercise leading to health problems

These 2 related discussion topics will create a coherent and cohesive essay because of the common relationship between the two. That is what the examiner will see and these will be the reasons why your TA and C&C scores will be boosted to the point where your other errors may not be able to prevent you from passing the essay test. One topic for each discussion factor is all you need. Provided you explain yourself clearly in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Learning by a failure? Mistakes can teach you a lesson. [6]

I am not sure if this is simply an English writing exercise, a college application essay, or an opinion piece on a general topic. Kindly indicate what sort of application the essay is for next time so I can give a better review of your work. In the meantime, here is what I have come up with.

You forgot to use a comma in the presentation "... at the top of your class one or , twice ..."

You do not say "In this view of point." It is always "In this point of view". By the way, you forgot to use a comma after the introduction "In this view of point ,one might think..." and "Of course ,some might..." , including "In my academic exam, I...", you also need to use if after the word; "So ,in contrary... "

Avoid contractions in academic writing such as : It's should be "It is", always go for formality. You are not writing a friendly letter here, you are writing an academic opinion essay.

The rest of the grammar errors pertain to sentence clarity and presentation. Unfortunately, I will have to rewrite the whole essay for you to do that. I am not allowed, by forum rules, to rewrite the whole essay for a student. However, I feel that I have given you enough corrections with your grammar to help set you on the right path next time. Please do more sentence building exercises. It will pay off for you in the long run.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of people who implemented physical activity on a regular basis in Australia [4]

The task 1 essay requires a 4 paragraph format that covers:

- Summary overview
- Data for group 1
- Data for group 2
- Comparison presentation

You thought you provided the required number of paragraphs simply because you separated each sentence for the summary overview in the presentation. Simply separating the sentences does not comprise a paragraph. A paragraph is comprised of 3-5 sentences containing required information. Your summary overview could have been viewed as better completed if you have simply combined all the stand alone sentences into a single paragraph presentation. It would not have been a perfect representation but,. it would have at least met the formatting requirement per paragraph.

Do not use singular references in this essay. Since there are age groups provided, that is group with an S, the presentation should be in the plural group form. Hence, it is boyS and girlS, not boy and girl.

Try to do more analysis of the data presentation next time. Write at least 3 paragraphs, 4 at the most. You will score better when you meet the formatting requirements. In this case. The paragraphs should have been:

Par. 1 - Summary overview with trending statement
Par. 2 - Boys measurement and comparison
Par. 3: Girls measurement and comparison
Par. 4: Similarities comparison between boys and girls.

Try to come up with a similar format with your next Task 1 essay. That should help you better represent the data report in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Transport - the line graph show the quantities of goods [4]

You did not provide the image for this essay so I cannot review it based on the relevance of your writing to the prompt requirements. I will be reviewing your essay for several grammar issues instead which will definitely lead to a non-passing score for this essay, even though you wrote 179 words in it. It is never the length that will dictate the passing score. Writing the bare minimum can result in a band score of 5. Overwriting, but not really paying attention to details, always results in a failing test score.

Spelling errors:
og-go
ny= by
tge- the

Capitalization errors:
uk = UK

You have made so many spelling errors that I cannot correct all 28 of them in this review. You did not even bother to try and spell properly, nor check your spelling. Are you sure you want to pass this test? All your errors were simply caused by mistyping. In the real world, you can correct the errors. At the testing center, your errors can also be corrected provided you take the time to do so. These errors alone will be enough to get you the lowest failing score in the overall consideration. I haven't even begun to check your GRA and LR related errors at this point and I can already tell that this is a non-passing essay.

Graduate / "Mutual learning" - Essay for the MBA program at Illinois State University [2]

Let's be clear here. The reviewer will require you to provide only 4 paragraphs, at the most, for this essay. It has to be presented in the same outline presentation as provided in the prompt. What you do not have to do is over discuss the essay, present irrelevant information, and / or fail to respond to the given prompts entirely. Believe me, this essay does not follow the prompt requirements. You are telling your life story rather than detailing the required information. Let me see if I can get you on track here. I'll just use the prompt numbers as guides for you to follow:

Prompt 1: No provided response or, it remains unclear at the very least. You have to be on target with your responses. Do not make the reviewer look for it. If he wants to read about your professional goals, then make sure he reads about it first thing. No long winded backstories, no work stories, just plain and simple response. What are your professional goals and how will the MBA help you achieve this?

Par. 1: As a (whatever your actual work title is) I have found that I have several shortcomings such as (list one or two work related shortcomings. Do not confuse these with the problems you hope to solve at your office. Those are 2 different things.) that have prevented me from achieving my professional goal of (whatever). As such, an MBA in (whatever) will help me get on the right path towards these professionals by accomplishing (enumerate).

Par. 2: Explain the enumerated target accomplishments and why these are important to your career goals

Par. 3-4: Pick 2 highlights. Only 2. No more than that, explained within individual paragraphs. Do not bore the reviewer with a detailed essay. There is a reason they want you to give direct answers. There are so many applicants and they only allot 10 minutes to read each applicants essay. 10 being the most time they give the applicants essay, if it follows the prompt requirements. Otherwise, they stop reading an essay after 2-3 minutes of having to look for the relevant response to the first given question.

Writing Feedback / Essay about a music power, which provides a way to unite people - IELTS task 2 [2]

Your opening paragraph is not enough of a paraphrase for the examiner to see this as a properly developed restatement of the original prompt. It is still too similar to the original presentation. It is almost a word for word translation, rather than an explanation of the given topic. The explanation you give, is what will constitute your paraphrasing of the topic. You also should have indicated, after your degree of agreement with the topic, the 2 reasons that will be supporting your opinion. These will appear as the discussion outline for the direct opinion essay. It has to be indicated because it is referred to in the prompt.

The paraphrase section needs to have at least 3 sentences, or 5 at the most. You only wrote 2 sentences because your first sentence is a run-on. It is just an extremely long single sentence that should have been broken down into 2 more sentences. The same problem exists in your concluding paragraph. There is no clear discussion summary / paraphrase represented. It should contain the same sentence count at the prompt paraphrase (5 sentences maximum) and should repeat your opinion, reasons, and include a closing sentence. A single sentence is never considered a concluding paragraph. It is because of these problems that your TA scores will be affected negatively.

Spelling errors:
Kpop K-Pop

Grammar problems:
Failure to use a comma after a conjunction (rhythm, or a beautiful song...)
Noun phrase disagreement - both their favourite melody = ... favourite melodies
Do not use word of uncertainty in an opinion paper. It is either you are sure of your statement or not. There is no maybe or perhaps in the presentation.

Do not use contractions in a formal essay. Always use the two word presentation system (e.g. don't = do not)

Being your first essay, you can see that you have several errors that will greatly affect your score and prevent you from passing. It would be better if I hold off on scoring your work until your second or third essay, when you should have shown enough improvement for me to judge if you can pass the test or not.

(WARNING! STUDENT SCORING = SUSPENSION!)

Writing Feedback / What are pros and cons of international travel? [2]

You could actually discuss this essay using 2 advantages and 2 disadvantages to help explain your point and in the process, create a stronger essay. It works this way. You already know that you believe there are more disadvantages to the rise of tourism as opposed to its advantages. So the discussion format should be:

- Advantage topic
- Explain why you see this as a disadvantage
- Use an example to help explain your point
- Give an additional explanation (if needed) or use this as a transition sentence into the next topic.

Do this one more time for a total of 2 fully explained A/D discussion points. What will this help you achieve?

- A clearer explanation of your position using 2 discussion points, which will help increase your C&C score
- An opportunity to use more relevant vocabulary for a greater LR score
- A chance to use more of a simple and complex sentence mix to help your GRA score

While the presentation you have now has good points, it does not really have any solid and believable explanations that would make the examiner view your essay as properly outlined (in the draft process) and developed (in the final writing process). By using the format above, you avoid having under developed explanations, which is what you have now. Just stick to one topic per paragraph. Don't over discuss things. That is how you ended up with a weakly written essay in the first place.

Essays / Supporting Statement (Marine Logistics And Management); implementing change or reform [2]

This question has two possible response scenarios:

- You may respond using your social and civic activities that will highlight the problems of your community. You should explain how you have taken a leadership role either as an individual or as a member of an organization in developing, implementing, and pursuing lines of action that resolve a specific community problem.

- Refer to a professional problem that required a a process of problem analysis, solving, and implementation within the workplace. This will still require you have a leadership role. An assistant leadership role is also acceptable provided you made a suggestion that allowed to be the point person for the solution development and implementation within the workplace.

Both scenarios need to end with you being acknowledged by a higher authority for your leadership abilities. It must highlight that your actions led to the satisfactory solution of a situation that would have otherwise spun out of control or, been unsolvable.

Scholarship / Joint Japan World Bank Graduate Scholarship Program [2]

Your presentation is not very focused. You are not really justifying the reasons why you believe that this activity is a great achievement. I think it will be better if you write a totally new essay that would instead, focus on the following topics per paragraph:

- Introduce TeensforGrowth to the reader. What is the organization about? What personal interests enticed you to join the program? Summarize your leadership accomplishments that led to your becoming a team leader.

- Explain what the name of the project you were assigned was. What was the objective of the project? What did it hope to accomplish?
- Summarize how you implemented the project.
- Summarize how your project was received by your peers. Any other notable people such as relevant organizations, local government, or the news media can be used as reference notable and impressive reference point for the successful implementation of the project.

- Close the essay with a reference to the personal satisfaction that you felt. What is it about this project that stood out the most for you, which led you to citing it as your most significant professional achievement?

I have a problem with the overall essay though. It does not appear like this is a professional project but rather one that is related to an extra-curricular activity. There is no relevant office and appointed position set for you in the organization. Are you sure this is a salaried job? A salaried job means that this is your profession, something that you pursue to fulfill the training you received in college. You cannot use an extra curricular or college organization related activity for this essay. You have to somehow clarify that this project was done in a professional, not volunteer, internship, or extra-curricular capacity for it to qualify as a response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / More and more people now own cars. What are the problem and solution ? [3]

You have written less than 250 words, which is the bare minimum requirement for the task 2 essay that you are writing. The essay that you wrote is short on the word count because you failed to properly approach the discussion. The prompt paraphrase could have been better drafted and you should have provided only one problem and one solution as a part of the discussion outline within the last part of the paraphrase. Being unable to properly provide the discussion outline is what made your essay suffer in terms of clarity, presentation, and word count.

Your second paragraph does not make much sense to the examiner. You only offered discussion topics or reasons, but failed to properly explain why you considered these reasons problems. That is why each discussion paragraph should have only one topic sentence and one discussion focus at all times. One for one problem and another for a singular solution. Failing to properly develop your discussion, as you did here will not help your score.

There are several reasons that this essay will not pass:

- It does not meet the word count requirement
- It does not contain properly developed paragraphs
- Numerous grammar errors prevail
- There is a lack of overall writing skill in the presentation.

I am sure you can write very well in your native tongue, but you need to work on your sentence development and structure in the English language. Your meaning is getting lost in the translation from your native language to UK English.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task2] Some schools are considering allowing advertisements in their buildings [3]

You are not really offering an opinion in the response or throughout the essay. Always remember that when asked a direct question, a direct response is required within the last 2 sentence of the prompt paraphrase. Additionally, the prompt asks you to give a reference idea that supports your agreement so you have to provide that as well. The main problem with this essay is that you have decided to take a middle aisle position in the discussion. This is not a C/C or A/D essay so the examiner will have to score you down for not having a proper opinion for discussion in the essay.

When you are unsure about how to respond to an essay, never take the middle seat. Always use an outline before you start the essay. There are always two sides to any discussion. In this case, the two options for response are:

- Good idea
- Bad Idea

Create a list of what you think are the good ideas and the bad ideas. Based on the listing which do you think has more benefits for the money making efforts of the school? Look for the unspoken questions that will help your discussion. In this case:

- How will advertising affect the students when in school? What sort of ads should be allowed?
- Should the school only focus on raising funds through advertising for their academic programs? Yes or no? Why?

If you do not learn to analyze the question and create your own outline and outline questions that will help you better formulate a response, you will never be able to defend a solid single opinion in the essay.

Scholarship / Black Hole - QuestBridge - Tell us about a concept, theory, or topic you have explored. (200 words) [3]

The essay is good enough. It aligns well with your ambitions as an aerospace engineer. However, the start of the second paragraph does not seem to align well with the given discussion. I would instead start it with the sentence referring to "As I aspire to..." following it up with ideas as to how you can use your studies to prove Hawking's theory and why, as an aerospace engineer, you will be in the best position to pursue studies in that field, prove it, and use what you learn from it to improve space science and technology. It would help create more interest in response to your further exploration of the topic. Another tip, think space force and connect the theory to the new branch of the air force and its objectives.

Graduate / MSc Data Analytics - Admission Essay (supplemental) [2]

Compress the systems you built. Both systems should only comprise one paragraph. Your essay ran too long because of the repetitive descriptions for the two systems. Use the combined paragraph to shorten the word count. You don't need to detail your grandmother's accident either.

A simply mention that she had a stint in the ICU after fall triggered the idea for the designs. The word requirement needs you to focus the details on the more important information. Mention the 3 publications, dates, and conference titles and dates. That is what makes the supplemental essay even more impressive and noteworthy.

Discuss a summary of the articles, the reader reception, and conference results. These changes should shorten the essay while highlighting notable data based on your professional experience.

Writing Feedback / Punishment is necessary to help children learn the distinction between right and wrong [3]

An infant is never punished. An infant is a baby. An innocent who does not know right from wrong because they do not have the mental faculties to understand the difference. This is from age 0 months to 2 years old. When a child becomes a toddler. Still, no punishment required. The mental faculties are still developing. Punishment is meted out starting at the ages of 3-5. This is when they become kids, no longer infants or babies. Your synonym choice is highly erroneous and will be considered as such when points are deducted in the LR section.

Use a strong emotional response in the essay. This is an extent essay so you need descriptive emotional words to describe your opinion. While this is a single opinion direct response essay, it requires a measured dis/agreement response within the prompt paraphrase.

You need to directly outline your discussion topics by giving a proper outline response at the end of the paraphrase. What is obvious in this discuss il on is that you did not outline your essay before writing the draft. Then, you did not compare your response with the discussion requirements. There needs to be 2 different punishment suggestions in the essay, one for teachers, one for parents. Which is why the essay has not developed a proper discussion of the type of punishments you think should be applied by each type of authority figure.

Always compare your content with the prompt. Never use more than 10 minutes to write your draft. No more than 290 words. That way you have time to alter your response should you realize that your response needs improvement or changes to address the discussion topic.

Writing Feedback / Medical doctors place of work - Writing essay from 150 words to 300 words [2]

You were being asked to present at least 2 reasons in this essay. The reasons have to be 2 different reasons. You presented only one reason in this essay, the financial aspect. Which means, you did not fully utilize the opportunity to show your analytical thinking and ability to come up with creative responses to the given prompt. So this would have been a 3 reasoning paragraph essay instead of a 2 reasoning paragraph essay. The reasoning paragraphs should have indicated:

Par. 2: First reason (financial)
Par. 3: Second reason ( urban lifestyle of a medical doctor)
Par. 4: 2 common solutions for the 2 reasons previously stated.

You presented an incomplete solution because you only presented one solution to the common problem. 2 problems = 2 related solutions. The solutions cannot be presented as the concluding paragraph either. The concluding paragraph should be a formal summary of the previous discussion. It should serve as a wrap-up and reminder of what the previous discussion is.

Now, I know that there are also grammatical errors to look into within your work. However, the focus of my review is on the content because that will be the first thing that the examiner will score when he reads your work. That is the part that can pass or fail you during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2:children's lives were very different from today. the advantages and disadvantages [2]

Try to write a more creative prompt paraphrase. Aim to write 3 sentences in that section so that you can gain a better TA score. One way of writing the restatement in a creative manner is:

The world has continued to evolve and change the way that children have led their lives over time. There were definitely advantages and disadvantages of being a child during the past century. Advantages include more physical interaction among children during playtime, leading to well built friendships. However, a disadvantage to the physical playtime is that the children tended to unintentionally hurt one another when playing, which usually ended childhood friendships.

From that point, you could have gone on to use the 2 allotted reasoning paragraphs to discuss the singular advantage and disadvantage reasons. Hence creating a cohesive and coherent reasoning discussion. Outlining your discussion topics will allow you prepare the examiner for the upcoming topics, and also show that you plan to develop a connected discussion throughout the essay, which will be good for the C&C scoring portion.

Notice the advantage and disadvantage presentation I made in the outline. It is clear that 2 related advantages were to be discussed and 2 disadvantages, still related to the original advantages, were going to be the last of the discussion presentation. That is the proper format for the essay.

Good work on using the first person pronouns in the essay. You used just enough to improve your GRA score. Basically, your essay content would have been good if you had just created a more connected discussion between the 2 paragraphs. Your current presentation only gives reasons and ideas, but lacks in justification through a properly developed paragraph discussion. That, is the main weakness of the essay. You need to properly develop your presentations. Don't just keep presenting ideas, trying to pass those off as discussions. The examiner knows how to differentiate between a developed discussion and an idea presentation. You mostly did the latter in this essay.

Writing Feedback / How much choice students should have when it comes to choosing the area of study at university [3]

There is a slight misdirection in your discussion presentation. The examiner will expect to read a 5 paragraph essay composed of an accurate paraphrase, 2 public point of view discussions (one paragraph each), and then, and only then, will the personal opinion be presented. This essay is an under developed explanation that focuses on only 2 of the 3 discussion instructions. So you will scored based on a tangential response with an incorrect format. The possible score for such an essay, with the inclusion of other errors, will definitely pull you back from receiving a minimum 5 band score.

Your discussion paragraphs do not follow the suggested topic for discussion as provided in the original prompt. The suggested discussion topics, for the public point of view are:

- ...students should study whatever they like.
- ...they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.

Based on the way that you will be discussing these 2 public points of view, you should be able to formulate your personal opinion. Never formulate the opinion in the opening statement. It is not required nor asked for in the original discussion. Remember the clear instruction for the discussion is:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

So the paragraph formatting is clear:

Par. 2 - Study whatever they like
Par. 3: - study future useful subjects
Par. 4: Personal opinion based on which public point of view you choose to support

The discussion topics and the presentation of the discussion in the essay can always be found in the original discussion prompt. Follow the instructions, suggested topics, and outline at all times to have a chance at a better score in the end.

Writing Feedback / Describe a time you ate something you did not like [2]

For starters, Thailand is the name of the country. The cuisine is not called Thailand cuisine, it is called "Thai cuisine". Remember, it is Thailand, pronounce the D at the end. Do not say "Thai Lan". That is an incorrect reference to the country. It is one word, not two words. Do not pause when saying the name of the country. Nutrition is the science or study that deals with food and nourishment, especially in humans. You meant to say nutritious, which describes food containing or contributing nutriment or nourishment. You still have to use the right vocabulary during the speaking test. Be careful misused words will get you points deductions. You don't have to say miserably. Just describe how your tongue felt. Miserably is a misplaced word in the sentence. Just like in the written test, don't start a sentence with "and", which is a connecting word. Just directly say that you would never eat that dish again.

Your English grammar is far from perfect. The same for your vocabulary. However, you have created an oral presentation that the examiner can still understand without too much stress. So I believe you will have points deductions but probably get close to a passing score. The errors are just a little on the heavy side, as far as I am concerned, to allow you to get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2. Why do we need music? Is the traditional one more important the international music [4]

It will be difficult for me to review your essay properly because the writing you have done does not meet the minimum word requirement. You only wrote 243 words out of the minimum 250. As there will be points deductions for being under the minimum word count, I feel that it would not be fair of me to review your work based on this obviously short essay. It does not reflect your actual LR, GRA, and C&C abilities. What I can do though is give you an idea of how you can meet the word requirement next time you write a practice test.

Since there were direct questions asked in the original prompt. You should over a direct response to each question in the first paragraph. There are two reasons for this format of response. The first reason, is that you will be able to give the examiner an outline of the upcoming discussion paragraphs. The second, is that you will have a constant reminder of what topics you are supposed to discuss in the discussion paragraphs. Finally, it helps to show the examiner early on that you have a good level of English comprehension skills that allow you to analyze how the essay is to be formatted in the overall presentation.

You need to properly develop each paragraph discussion. Use no more than 5 sentences to explain your opinion. The 5 sentence rule per paragraph is what ensures you will write at least 250 words. Don't focus on developing only one paragraph. It needs to be a balanced discussion because you will be scored on the relevance and full development of your explanations per paragraph under the C&C and GRA sections.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages for a country to host a major sports competition [3]

You wrote 321 words and never once, bothered to review the original prompt. You never bothered to check if the essay that you wrote is in accordance with the prompt requirements. All of the words that you wrote became useless when you failed to follow the formatting requirement for the response and reasoning paragraphs. It is useless to write all those words, when you will not meet the discussion requirements anyway. You will still fail the test.

You did not properly represent the instructions in your prompt paraphrase. You turned a A/D with personal opinion essay into a single point of view essay with your prompt paraphrase. Causing a confusing representation in the discussion paragraphs. You should have properly outlined the discussion in the paraphrase to indicate the 2 point of view essay with a personal opinion at the end. The personal opinion should be discussed in a complete paragraph form. It is not a single sentence at the end. A personal opinion will never be accepted as a concluding paragraph or sentence by the examiner. Basically, this essay only has a lot of words written, but it does not meet the discussion requirements in the proper manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared [5]

You cannot simply say "I do agree" in an extent essay. You need to give a measurement with the agreement. Measurement words include strongly, fully, wholly, greatly, and totally, to name but a few measurement words you could use in reference to the extent requirement. Aside from that problem though, there is a much bigger one existing in the essay. You have a contradiction of opinions in the presentation. Note the following differences that will result in a confusing presentation and tell the examiner that you were undecided about how to really respond to the essay.

Question Response: ... children who grow up in underprivileged ... in well-off family. I do agree with this statement.
Par. 2: a child brought up in impoverished condition will be likely to solve the adult problems with less difficulty
Par. 3: children born in prosperous condition are better prepared with adult problems

You first said that the poor kids are better prepared for adulthood. Then you also said the rich kids can better deal with adult problems. So, which is your real response? There is a sense of your essay not really responding to the question posed with proper justifications. Additionally, you turned a straightforward single opinion essay into a compare and contrast essay, which was not the original discussion instruction. So you can see why this essay will have a difficult time achieving a passing score. You did not respond properly to the question. You did not properly justify your response, and you have several grammatical issues with your presentation as well. All of which will combine to prevent you from passing this test.

Writing Feedback / Issue: Schoolies should be band to avoid any unwanted incident, violent, and sexual assault. [2]

I am not sure what type of essay you are writing. Is this a research paper, an opinion paper, a personal statement, what? You are not being very clear with your writing. You need to present a thesis statement at the start of this presentation to give the reader a better idea of what this paper is about and what issues it will be tackling. Avoid using actual names or representations in your paper. Since you are not properly referring to these names, dates, and newspaper sources with proper in-text citations, your paper is not going to be considered as valid. The references you present need to be properly referred to, in the correct writing format, within the paper. Otherwise the professor will not take this paper to be an academically researched piece of writing.

The paper is choc full of incorrect English grammar The errors that abound are so much that I will be unable to do the proper corrections in this posting without actually rewriting the whole paper. You should seek professional help with regards to the overall presentation and editing of your paper. It is informative, it just lacks proper formatting and additional information regarding the background, history,and relevance of Schoolies. Not all the readers will be familiar with it so you need to always write a backgrounder along with the thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / IS ART REALLY NEED FOR OUR LIFE? [3]

In the opening paraphrase, do not use a cut and paste for the phrase "waste of time". Even if you enclose it in quotation marks, the examiner will still see that you did not change the original words used and consider that part a "memorized phrase" and deduct points for it. You need to totally change that part of the presentation. As you know, you will lose points for lack of originality in your presentation. Which is why you have to use as many synonyms as you can in your prompt restatement paragraph.

There is a subject - verb disagreement in the presentation "it also improve your performance". It has to be "... improves..." It has to be in an active voice. Do not use special punctuation marks such as ellipses. That is never used in academic writing, which is what you are doing here. Use the period, comma, semi-colon, colon as your primary punctuation marks. Those are the punctuation marks normally used in academic writing. In the third paragraph, why is there a period before the start of the paragraph? The examiner could see that and deduct points under the GRA considerations.

The essay has some solid reasons presented but lacks proper discussion development. You did not justify the reasons you presented in a manner that would be convincing to the examiner. Work on improving your reasoning discussions in the next practice essay. The essay abruptly ended. There is no closing paraphrase to signify the end of the discussion. You created an open ended essay. Point deductions will be applied due to the inappropriate discussion format towards the end of the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Convenience foods replace traditional foods & traditional methods of preparation [2]

Good discussion. However, you forgot that this is an extent essay. As such, you cannot simply say "I disagree". You have to indicate a degree or an emotion to connote your measured response to the question. Possible responses to the question, based on your above response are:

- I firmly disagree
- I wholly disagree
- I totally disagree
- I strongly disagree

The essay would have been better discussed if you discussed the traditional aspect before the fast food aspect. It would have been better to switch around the presentation because the food tradition of a country is normally the first consideration of someone in relation to the traditional v. fast food discussion. That is not to say that your essay was bad, it was actually good. Like I said, I would have only presented it in a different manner. Don't worry though, there are no right or wrong presentations. As long as your discussion is applicable, the examiner will fairly score your essay.

Your opening paraphrase and concluding paraphrase are both run-on sentences. Remember, you need to keep every sentence clear and on topic. Always separate the presentation using periods. Keep it short. If one sentence runs into more than half of the second line, it is or is turning into a run on sentence.

Scholarship / AAS - Gifted Education. Flinders University, Australia - impact of your study for further carrier [2]

The essay is a good enough response. The only change I would like you to make is the presentation of the paragraphs. It would make more sense if you keep the first paragraph as is, then use the current last paragraph as the second paragraph, repositioning the current second paragraph to become the closing paragraph instead. The essay information just flows better that way. The SDG discussion creates a proper opening for the discussion about the education program you want to launch in your country, which is part of the explanation of how the study will contribute to your career.

After switching the paragraphs around, you will find that you should develop a new, stronger concluding statement for the essay. One that shows a united vision for your short and long term goals that will further boost the implication as to how the study will contribute to your career. Perhaps close with a statement about hoping to be promoted to a specific position or becoming a team leader on a project. Yes, I think any of those would make for a stronger closing paragraph for your application.

Writing Feedback / The two maps illustrate the change of a island, before & after tourists facilities were constructed [4]

I have a sense that you under wrote in this essay. With only 154 words written, you are not maximizing the overall scoring potential of your descriptive essay presentation. You have a good eye for the obvious comparison points in the essay. Good work pointing out that the coconut tree positions did not change although the island was developed over the years. That shows a comparison point that the examiner will take note of and consider when assessing your final score.

Stating that the island underwent changes twice in two different presentations will be considered a redundancy, it will bring your essay under the word count. I knew it. That is why I always encourage my students to write at least 175 words in the essay. That gives you an allowance for the word count in case some problems, such as redundancies, occur and the original word count is deducted from.

Remember, the UK English spells words differently. Try to avoid using American English in word presentations like "center" which, in UK English is "centre". You have an indefinite article problem. Review the use of the words "a" and "an". When a word starts with a vowel "an" is the word that precedes it. A consonant starting word uses "A". There is also a subject verb disagreement in the essay. "Track" should be "tracks".

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing : Computers are necessary for college students, and the whole education [3]

Please limit your writing in the task 2 part of the essay to no more than 290 words. When you are given 40 minutes to write the essay, the time should be allotted as follows:

- 5 minutes to read and analyze the given prompt
- 5 minutes to outline your discussion topics / reasons to be discussed
- 10 minutes to write the draft version
- 10 minutes to review the essay and apply additional discussions where you feel it is needed
- 10 minutes to review and finalize the content

Judging by how many tasks you have to complete within 40 minutes, I am sure you can understand why it will be difficult for you to write 332 words within the 40 minute task. It won't be hard to keep track of the word count. If you are taking the computer test, you will see the word count on the screen. If you are taking the pencil test, count the lines you have written, you need at least 20-25 lines to meet the word requirement.

Now, I have a problem with reviewing your essay for relevant content. You did not include the original prompt, which is required with every posting, so I cannot review this prompt accuracy. I'll have to limit my review to grammar issues and the advice I gave you about the word count above.

Cannot is the negative form of the verb "can". Therefore, it should not be written as "can not". Avoid using repeated words in your presentation as these come across as either memorized or over used expressions. So "more and more" should simply be "more". The same goes for "walks of life" which can be replaced with "social classes" or "levels of society". There are several other errors in your work but I believe that these will make for a good start to correcting your GRA errors.

Writing Feedback / Making overseas visitors pay higher prices is not ideal solution [3]

There is a very big problem with this essay that you missed. This is a task 2 essay. You have 40 minutes to write it. There is a word minimum count of 250 words. When you do not write 250 words, you will find that the examiner will deduct points from your task accuracy score. There is a corresponding score percentage deducted for the missing word count. The deductions in this section are often enough to prevent a student from reaching a 5 band score.

Now having reviewed the content of your essay, I have to say, you were on the right track with your reasoning presentation. However, the clarity and coherence of your essay was affected in the third paragraph. That is because you put in a series of throw away sentences in the first half, instead of focusing on the second part which actually tied in with the previous discussion in a very strong manner. A better presentation would have been:

As a result, the host country may be considered as inhospitable and unwelcoming.

Consequently, that nation's income will dramatically decrease...cooperate with continental countries.

Do you see how the paragraph would have flowed smoothly from one discussion to the next related discussion? It would have been so smooth and clear in a topic for discussion sort of way that could have boosted your C&C score. Since the first reasoning paragraph spoke of the economics of visiting the attractions, the effect on the national economy would have made sense as a follow up discussion reason.

You have several spelling errors in the essay which will definitely pull down your LR and GRA score:

Theseday = These days
statesment - statement
accomdation = accommodation
oppoturnities = opportunities

You are also lacking a proper concluding paraphrase, that should have at least 3 sentences presented in it also. I think that is the reason why you did not meet the minimum word count. You did not thoroughly discuss the essay in a manner that would have allowed you to write at least 250 words. I have not even considered the GRA errors in this instance but you should already see why your essay will not meet a 5 band score.