Writing Feedback / Task 2: Children's education is expensive. In some countries, the government pay some of it. [3]

You should not aim to write only the minimum number of words. You have to write at least 275 words so that you an ensure an increased scoring potential overall. When you write only the exact number, you will meet only the minimum requirements for scoring. You want to score more than a 5 right? So write over the minimum requirement. That way you can allow the examiner to fully assess your writing skills pertaining to the scoring rubic.

Your approach to the discussion lacks a focused and partnered approach. Case in point, each of your paragraphs have connected A/D discussions, but you tend to insert unrelated information within, which makes the essay less focused in its presentation. The connected discussions per reasoning paragraph are:

Par. 2: spending a great deal of money on children's education will affect either economy or society. Families without children feel unfair when this taxpayers contribute a lot of money for national budgets, which links to social instability.

Par. 3: The government creates favourble condition for poorer backgrounds being able to attend to schools equality. As a result, illiteracy rate will be reduced, and it may significantly contribute to the development of the country due to better workforce.

Had you developed the essay using these related topics, your C&C score would have definitely been boosted to at least a 5 band score, meaning the overall essay could score better than just a passing score. Your reverse paraphrase is missing from the concluding paragraph. You need a repeated explanation regarding the topic, reasons, and suggestion at the end to properly close the essay.

Writing Feedback / Master in Entrepreneurship -AAS- How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

You are not responding to the question. How will the study contribute to your career? So you want to be an entrepreneur, what then? How does the course you have chosen to study help you towards achieving that goal? What subjects will you be studying? How are those courses relevant to your future plans? Why are these courses important?

The main question you should be answering is "Where does my career go after I complete the course?" What is the plan of action? Complete your studies and then? Do you franchise your business? Do you open a coffee truck? Do you seek ways to expand your business? What?

You have to explain the relevance of the course in relation to your career plans. So discuss the career plans first. Then relate the plans to the courses you will be studying. Towards the end of the presentation, you should have properly explained how the studies tie into your career plans. That, is how you explain how your proposed study will contribute to your career.

Don't keep looking back in your response. That is irrelevant and not useful to your application. The lack of relevance is because you are living in the past while you are being asked to plan your future. So look forward. Plan for the future. The past is where it should remain, in the past.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the changes in the number of Vietnamese students studying abroad. [2]

You kind of let your writing get away from you in this task. The ideal word count is 175-190. The perfect number of words to write within 20 minutes that will allow you to have a pocket of time to perfect your presentation. Writing 212 words could very well cut into your Task 2 writing time. Please time yourself next time. Also, use the the hand writing technique for writing your essay so that you will know the difference in time usage between tapping away at the keyboard and actually writing the essay as required at the testing center. Then you will know exactly why you cannot write too many words using the pen and paper technique.

You forgot to include a reference to the measurement used in the graph. Always make sure that the highlighted information in the image is included in the summary. There is a reason those information are highlighted. These are important to the reader and should therefore, be included in the report using one form or another.

Let's get something clear here. American is the person who comes from America. America is the name of the country the American comes from. Therefore, it was America, not American that saw the increase in its figures. Now, save for the missing comparison points in your presentation with regards to the overlapping portions of the information from the graph, you presented a pretty solid report to the reader. Over written, but definitely solid.

I am emphasizing the number of words because the tendency of students during practice essays is to disregard the actual exam setting. You have to make sure that you keep within the time frame during the practice test so that you won't be surprised by your inability to complete the essay within the given time frame on the exam day. If you always write under the time limit and have the time to review your work before moving on to the next essay, then you will definitely be increasing your chances at a higher score for this task.

Writing Feedback / Australia physical activity - (Task 1 in IELTS writing test) [2]

You should be referring to the age range being used in the chart as a part of the information summary. Referring to the measurement type as a part of the summary overview is also part of the expected information for this portion of the presentation. Please remember that the summary overview needs to present the complete information reference for the reader's benefit.

Your paragraphs are composed mostly of run-on sentences. This will greatly reduce your GRA score. You mistook long sentence for complex sentence presentations. That is not the case. Review your grammar lessons regarding how to properly develop complex sentences. Always separate your sentence information with a period. Do not just keep on writing without regards for proper punctuation marks. Use a variety of commas, periods, semi-colons, parenthesis (where applicable), among several punctuation marks that can improve your GRA score. Remember the best way to increase the GRA score will be through the proper use of simple and complex sentences and punctuation marks.

The presentation lacks a sense of analysis based on the given information. You practically just enumerated the given data. That means your approach is mechanical and memorized. You will score badly in the TA score because of the presentation style you used. Always consider the audience of your information and try to gear your presentation towards interesting the reader with what you have to say. This will help increase your TA and C&C scores.

Writing Feedback / Money on average earned - correct this Task 1 IELST Writing [4]

There is a problem with your approach to this reporting essay. You see, there is a format for the presentation that you have to follow. The first paragraph should do the following, without beginning the discussion of the content yet.

- Identify the type of image ( table)
- Topic of the table
- Comparison points (male and female)
- Occupation listing
- Earning trend

Each of the information should be presented in individual sentences numbering no more than 5. The reason that the summary overview should not number more than 5 is because there are 5 points for identification that should be presented to the reader. The summary should always contain a reference to the required information. It helps to outline the discussion within the next 2 paragraphs as well.

You should also be presenting a comparison sentence somewhere in the presentation. The comparison point here should have been with regards to the highest earning points between men and women:

A comparison of note within the chart is that male professionals earned $2000 in 2015, while female professionals earned $1900. This means that the professional women earned $100 less than the professional men.

Don't forget, you need to present comparisons where relevant in the report. The highest paid counterparts must be highlighted in the presentation. It is a point of interest for the reader and must be used either as a trending statement or as a significant discussion point. By the way, you do not need to capitalize each occupation description since these are not proper nouns, only work / job descriptions.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 IELTS: Compare consumers Germany, Italy, France and Britain [3]

It is unfortunate that you forgot to include the image with your essay. I need the image to be able to compare your presentation with the instructions and image content. Without it, all I can give you is a general grammar review. Please remember to include the image next time.

(WARNING! USERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO UPLOAD THE IMAGE FOR THE OP! DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK!)

Although you wrote 165 words, you did not format your presentation properly. The task 1 essay has a maximum of 3 paragraphs for its informative presentation. The summary overview contains the following information:

- Image type
- Topic
- Related information
- Measurement type
- Trending statement

Every paragraph should have a 3 sentence minimum presentation, with 5 sentences being the maximum. This not only increases your word count, but also allows you better represent your LR, C&C, and GRA abilities for an increased scoring potential. The shorter your sentence presentations, the less likely you are able to present a proper range of simple and complex sentences. Hence the need to present more sentences per paragraph.

I do not feel like you are properly representing the given image. I just cannot confirm my hunch because of the missing image. It will be better for you to remember that you should always target the 3 paragraph requirement for the Task 1 essay. It will never hurt for you to follow the formatting requirement. Remember, you get scored for that too.

Writing Feedback / IELTs_Task 2_The causes of stress in college student - the university' life will be colorful and des [2]

I am not sure why you decided to focus on students and the stress factors that they face in this essay. The reason why I am questioning your approach to the topic is because it runs counter to the actual prompt requirement. The prompt topic for discussion is based on stress being a major problem across the world, Nowhere in the original prompt was there a focus or even a mention of students. That is why when you mentioned the factors that contribute to stress and ways by which it can be reduced, your essay went further away from the original prompt. Just to prove my point:

OT: Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
OP: What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?

What you said was:

YT: ...students turn out to face with the multitude of difficulties when entering to universities or colleges. Specifically, stress...
YP: They have found that stress can lead to both psychological and physical effects.

As you can see, the TA assessment for this essay will show that your prompt rephrasing has barely responded to the task, bringing your possible score down to a 2. While you are discussing the effects of stress, your audience is incorrect (student rather than global), and you do not present any suggestions regarding how to reduce stress. As such, your essay will not be able to reach the 5 band score. It is not possible because the essay contains other errors with regards to LR, C&C, along with GRA presentation problems. Collectively adding to the downward score of your final version.

One piece of advice before I go. You should not be writing 330 words for a 40 minute hand written task. You can only write anywhere between 250-290 words. Remember, the reason you failed is because you just went ahead and typed your essay, when you should be handwriting first, and you did not bother to check if your essay responded to the prompt requirements. That lack of effort in double checking your content is the main reason you did not do a good job in developing this essay. Had you double checked the prompt requirements, you would have seen that you were way off base with regards to your prompt response.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay, Non-Catholic attending Catholic School [2]

It is difficult for me to critique your essay as I am not sure which of the many common app prompts you are trying to respond to. How I wish I had that guideline to assist me in reviewing this piece of writing. Anyway, I will try and do my best to review your work in a manner that will hopefully be useful to you in revising the content.

The first question the reviewer will ask after reading this essay is "Why go to Catholic school if you do not believe in religion?" You left a gaping hole in the essay with the reference to attending a religious school as a personal choice. Why did you make that choice? You knew you were going to stick out like a sore thumb so why go there? Why did you prefer to suffer the humiliation and low grades at a school where you knew you were not welcome? Sure you learned something through the various experiences you had as a student, but then what? Of what value were these lessons in developing your character? Your personality? The way that you handle uncomfortable situations? How you exist in a world where you don't fit in?

The essay is lacking a backstory. It leaves the reviewer with more questions than answers with regards to getting to know you as a person. If you had remembered to attach the prompt to this essay, I would have had the opportunity to figure out how to better redirect the essay to create a more interesting and responsive presentation. For now, this advice will have to do.

Scholarship / Applying for the Fulbright Scholarship program to obtain Master's Degree in International Relations [2]

The study objective is weak. There is no real purpose in relation to career advancement, based on academic training that can support your claims of benefiting from your studies in the USA. The Fulbright scholarship is not a simple scholarship application process. The applicants are true influential people in their line of work, within their home countries. Their study goals relate not only to personal and career advancement, but also reflect a contribution they wish to make to their own country, in the field of their expertise, through an exchange of and sharing of current knowledge and trends relating to their chosen profession.

As a reviewer, I do not have the confidence that you have a true study objective in relation to the scholarship program. Your information is too vague. There is no reference to your career considerations for learning within your essay. You have to write a new essay that better considers your academic goals and career aspirations as these apply to your reasons for studying abroad.

Your reference as to why you want to study in the USA is not convincing. Such an explanation can apply to any country in the world offering a scholarship. You need to delve deeper into the objectives and policies of the Fulbright scholarship so that you can develop a more appropriate and informative response to the "Why USA?" question.

Basically, the essay is not competitive enough. There are no direct explanations, no direct objectives, no proper considerations as to your choice of course in relation to your study goals. This is a totally forgettable essay that will not help convince the reviewer that you are worthy of receiving the study sponsorship you are applying for.

Writing Feedback / Students should have the right to make comments about their teachers - IELTS Writing Task 2 [3]

The inaccurate prompt paraphrase has created a discussion instruction deviation on your part. The discussion asks you to compare and contrast the two public points of view before you can formulate your personal opinion. However, your presentations does not consider the public points of view and instead, focuses on your personal opinion immediately. So, even though you wrote more than the advised 275-290 words your essay will still lose scoring points in terms of discussion accuracy under the Task Accuracy scoring section. The more proper paraphrase is:

The quality of high school education has become an increasingly debatable topic over time. Some people believe that learners should be pupils should be coaxed to question their educators. However, there are some concerns that doing so could result in the teacher losing authority and control within the lecture room. Considering both reasoning concerns, I believe that I have enough information to form a valid opinion regarding this discussion.

A better scoring series of reasoning paragraphs and concluding paraphrase could be:

Encouraging pupils to question the educators make sense. Those who support this line of thought base it on the reason that ... Consider if you will...

However, when one stops to consider the dangers of this line of education, it would appear that the concerns of these people are valid. For example...

Measuring the possible scenarios for this discussion, I lean towards the idea that... Owing to my experience in the classroom...

So, considering the ... I recommend that...

You have to highlight your ability to discuss the topic from various pronoun reference points. When you do that, the automatic boost to your LR, C&C, and GRA scores become a given. That is because you highlight your actual writing skills using various sentence and grammar presentation styles.

Research Papers / Research Paper on an effective method for treating child obesity [2]

The paper is overwhelmed with in-text citations without supporting explanations. Most of the citations are located at the end of paragraphs, which means the writer is not offering a better explanation of the quoted information.Depending of the number of required in-text citations, you may want to reconsider using direct quotes in the paper. If you opt for paraphrasing instead of direct quotes, you will be able to add a personal touch to the given information, without directly involving yourself in the process. The paper also gains a cleaner look when there are not so many quotation marks filling the page.

Right now, the professor may think that you are just relying on sloppy cut and paste jobs to complete the word requirement and information requirement of the paper. Avoid creating that impression with your professor, not only will the professor most likely ask you to rewrite the paper, but it will be hard to live down the impression. It could have an effect on your papers grades moving forward.

In reference to your thesis statement. You don't really focus on a particular discussion nor outline your approach to writing the paper. Which is probably why the paper has so much content that do not seem to relate to one another. There is a lack of cohesiveness in the presentation because you are over discussing the topic. Is there a chance that you can narrow down the focus of the paper so that you can create a more connected discussion? The paper is just overwhelming in terms of topics, solutions, involved personalities and groups, and outcome. It definitely needs to be whittled down for specific content and focus.

Scholarship / Master in Entrepreneurship -AAS- Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

This is a pretty clear essay that the reviewer will appreciate reading. It clearly explains why you chose the courses and the universities in relation to your professional / career growth plans. However, you are over reaching in your presentation. Keep it simple. Focus only on yourself as the reason for your advanced studies are more related to personal growth instead of actually helping other SME's in your country. Remove that reference so that the discussion remains focused on the important topics which are the reasons you chose the courses and universities.

By the way, are you in the coffee SOAP or coffee SHOP business? There is a big difference between the two, the latter is self explanatory why the former needs some explanation to give the reviewer a better idea of what your line of business is all about and how your course choices are relevant to its continued improvement.

Essays / How to write a essay: "If you've have a chance to have dinner with one person with want..." [2]

Think of someone whom you think of as a role model. Someone you admire because of similarities that you have with that person. Then, think of the perfect dinner than you can have. Where would it be? Why would you choose that place? What would the food and drinks that would be ordered look like? Describe all of these in terms of connecting with the cultural identity you share with the person.

When you write the essay, imagine what the conversation might be like. What would you ask the person, what do you think the response would be based on the public persona of the person you identify with? How would this dinner help you become more comfortable with yourself? Do you think this time would help you gain a better understanding of who you are as a person and who you are culturally? Why so? The person you choose needs to be someone who has already directly influenced your life without his / her knowledge.

I cannot really help you write the paper because I do not know who you would choose to have dinner with and why. I hope that my guide questions can help you make decisions about who you will have dinner with and what sort of night it might turn out to be in relation to cultural relevance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: There is a claim that oral communication is more effective than writing communication [3]

Unfortunately, this essay will automatically get a failing score in the TA section because of a clear prompt deviation. Let's look at a comparison of that part below so you can fully understand what I mean:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
YR: In my opinion, deciding which one is more powerful than the other depends on certain circumstances.

You did not properly respond to the task question. You created your own discussion instructions for the essay. Hence, the overall presentation will be deemed totally unrelated to the task, preventing you from achieving a 5 band score. In addition to this error, there are also punctuation problems, a lack of use of descriptive adjectives, and a problem with singular - plural usage in your presentation (citizens = citizen). Therefore, the deductions that these errors would create in the GRA section would truly prevent it from achieving a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The figures for the proportion of the Internet users in America, Canada and Mexico [2]

The minimum word count for this essay to be scored is 150 words. You only wrote 135 words. Therefore, I cannot review this data presentation task accurately. You have not written enough words to properly represent the 4 scoring considerations for this task. There is a lack of proper data analysis, comparison discussion, and sentence development throughout the essay. You have not completed paragraphs nor represented complex and simple sentences in the presentation. An essay of this type will not achieve a passing score during the actual test. Always aim to write the minimum word count. Never write under the word count, that is detrimental to your final score.

Letters / Letter writed for responding a request (magazine subscription) [2]

The letter is too general in specifics. Yes, you responded to each prompt instruction, but the letter itself was not as informative as it should be. The letter could have been more informative and prompt responsive if say, you pretended that you were actually writing to a magazine that you enjoy reading (Vogue, National Geographic, Time magazine, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek, Good House Keeping). That way your letter would have had more relevant content and you could have had a more personal response to the letter writing instructions.

There are some parts of the letter that are unclear to the reader. Specifically this section:

Basicly, that magazine's tages were truly servered my demand at that time.

Spelling errors (Basicly = Basically), words that the examiner cannot guess the correct word for (tages), and words that don't seem to truly make any sense (servered) would definitely pull down your LR, GRA, C&C scores and could very well have contributed to a failing mark for this Task 1 writing test.

Writing Feedback / Colour in offices and hospitals - how it impacts people? [2]

Being a Task 2 essay, you have to meet the minimum 250 word requirement. You have only written 199 words which means you will receive enough point deductions in relation to the missing words that make up the 250 word minimum to fail the test. You have not written enough for the examiner to get a clear picture of how well you can express yourself in English and if you know enough English words to help you write a proper opinion paper.

The original discussion indicates a fact, scientist have already proven that colour has an effect on people. Therefore, you should not use the word "argue" since there is no debate being presented. Facts are facts so it should be stated as such in your paraphrase. Do not exaggerate, do not change the discussion slant.

The following part of the paraphrase section does not make any sense: People have a linking for it are shown in how they decorate ... Did you mean people have a liking for it? Generally, the sentence descriptor "linking" is misplaced and has removed the possibility of the reader even guessing what you are trying to say. Do not use the informal English words such as "etc." in a formal academic essay such as this one.

Make sure all of your paragraphs meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement throughout the essay. Otherwise, you will not meet the minimum word count. Majority of your paragraphs are little explained and supported in terms of reasoning and examples. The concluding paraphrase should represent the original discussion and your reasoning paragraphs, it should not be short under developed idea representations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Agree and Disagree: Introducing more physical education in school curriculum. [3]

There is only a slight problem with your prompt paraphrase. Based on the original discussion, the suggestion for introducing physical education in the school curriculum is not mandatory. Therefore, you are in error and slightly deviating from the original discussion point in your paraphrase. Additionally, your topic representation is a bit confusing because you tried to restate the prompt using synonyms in word for word positions in the sentence. This led to a lack of clarity in the presentation. You do not have to change the presentation word for word. You have to restate the original topic based on your understanding, using your own words, not necessarily word for word replacements. A clearer representation would have been:

Health issues stemming from obesity are proving to be on the rise. Since most of the problems seem to be affecting students in school, there is a suggestion that the weight gain problem can be best addressed by coaxing students to participate in school based exercise programs. I fully support this suggestion due to several personal observations and insights.

Aside from this little oversight on your part, the rest of the essay is on point in relation to supporting a single opinion. Your discussions are cohesive, well connected, and uses good examples to help illustrate a personal observation or insight on the topic. Save for the original paraphrase situation and the extremely short conclusion, you may want to create a 3 sentence conclusion instead to properly do a reverse paraphrase of the presentation, this essay could probably achieve a 5 band score.

Writing Feedback / The internet makes finding out detailed information as well as making conversations very easy [2]

Your response is totally unrelated to the task presented by the discussion instructions. Based on the original prompt, the discussion for this essay topic is:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The discussion instruction is based on the given topic:

It is generally believed that the internet is an excellent means of communication but some people suggest that it may not be the best place to find information.

The original discussion topic is based on the proliferation of fake news on social media and some slanted search engine results. The discussion format is based on the general public point of view, coming from 2 public sides of the matter upon which your personal opinion will be based. What you did was change things around.

YP: It is a common belief that the Internet plays an indispensable role in the process of bonding people, which cannot be supplanted by any other kind. Nevertheless, there are some shortcomings when the Internet is used to find out detailed information.

YD: I incline with both arguments for several reasons.

Creating such a big prompt deviation means that your essay did not follow the given format for the discussion and, as such, has not presented the proper information to the examiner. Thus creating a failing essay presentation. You failed to represent the two points of view and your personal opinion is not aligned with the original prompt. As such, you have created an essay discussion in a manner of your own design instead of as prescribed by the original prompt. There is no way that this essay will get a passing score.

Your information is not based on relevant examples from your experience or knowledge. By citing an Oxford research result, you have gone against the personal knowledge requirement. You are citing researched information instead complete with percentages. In addition, you are using exaggerated phrases such as "topic of debate" when these are mere discussions. You have to understand that the examiners are looking for accuracy in your representation of the discussion and using terms that create controversy where there is none will not sit well with them.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages of being bilingual? [2]

This is a pretty good essay that only has some reference issues. You repeatedly make reference to results of scientific investigations, census data, and other in-text citation based information without giving the actual sources. As such, the authority of the information, in relation to the original source and validity of the data comes into question, lessening the informativeness and accuracy of your research. Go back and refer to the original sources of the information in your paraphrased sections. That way the information will gain more effectively and truly make your reader aware of facts not known to them before. Make these changes only if the paper is required to present itself as a research paper.

If the paper requires itself to be presented as a personal opinion paper, then you have to remove all the aforementioned sources. In the case of a personal opinion paper, you should not be citing other sources, only observations of the situation around you in relation to bilingualism. Personal experience and insight will help create the solid platform for your presentation and, using first person references will add to the personal authority of the presentation.

Based on the actual requirements of your presentation, you should accomplish one of the two suggested editing methods to clean up your report.

Writing Feedback / US government research expenditure- IELTS WRITTING TASK 1 [4]

Your review is incomplete. The graph clearly shows a blue line pertaining to information regarding General Science expenditures. You never once mentioned the figures for general science throughout your data presentation and analysis. You have to remember that you are presenting this report to an audience of scientists and economists who will have to consider all of the information as complete for their own research purposes. When you do not provide complete information, you will be misinforming them, leading to an inaccurate conclusion on their part. You have to consider what audience you are writing this essay for so that you will know exactly how to approach the information presentation, what tone to use in your writing, and what information to highlight. In this instance, you did an acceptable job although lacking in certain aspects of information dissemination.

With regards to your numerical references, a dollar is a single amount of the said currency. When you refer to 8 billion, you are referring to a plural form of the currency so dollar then becomes dollars, indicating the plural representation of the currency being mentioned. Additionally, you do not ask the reader to "look at the other category". The correct framing of the phrase is "Looking at other categories". Looking indicates an action in process, which is what you were doing when you wrote the data and "categories" signifies the plural number of sections within the graph. You seem to have a problem with referring to the singular and plural forms of words. You need to brush up on the rules pertaining to that and also, try to familiarize yourself with the plural form of basic everyday words that could be useful in your future writing.

Writing Feedback / People's opinions differ as to whether homework is necessary to educate children or not [3]

Why are you responding to this essay in a measured response when it is a comparison with personal point of view essay? This is a 5 paragraph essay presentation. You turned this into a personal opinion only essay. There is no clear public point of view discussion. You are merely representing your personal opinion throughout rather than presenting an explanation of each public opinion and then basing your personal opinion on the comparison discussion. You are going about this essay all wrong. The correct format is:

- Paraphrase
- Public point of view 1 using 2nd or 3rd person / group pronouns
- Public point of view 2 using 2nd or 3rd person / group pronouns
- Personal opinion using first person pronouns based on the previous comparative reasoning paragraphs
- Concluding paraphrase

Your essay is only partially correct in response and will be given a score based on the partial consideration. Next time, analyze the discussion instructions before writing your response. Make sure that you respond in the format applicable to the discussion. In this case, there is no measured response, only a compare and contrast discussion with a personal opinion thrown in as the 3rd reasoning paragraph. Then you conclude the essay by summarizing the discussion points you presented in the 3 reasoning paragraphs. Make sure to always represent the public discussions properly. These will be used to measure to ability to properly address the GRA considerations for grammar structure, punctuation marks, and complexity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Humanitarian aid for poor countries in time of natural disaster [3]

There is a lack of coherence in your reasoning presentation. You did a good job in presenting the reason why rich countries should help the poor ones during a disaster. However, you did not qualify the example that you gave. By qualifying your example, I mean you should have used the second paragraph to further develop the explanation as to how the relief given by the rich countries helped Haiti recover from the earthquake. By doing the following, you will have presented a cohesive and coherent reasoning discussion in your essay:

Par. 2: Earthquake disaster relief from other countries helped Haiti recover
Par. 3: Examples of how the relief was used in the recovery of the country that had a positive result for Haiti. This will be the justification for the need for aid.

Such a presentation would have shown a fluid explanation of your reasoning. Cohesiveness comes from the relation of the reason (aid during the earthquake) to the result (recovery of Haiti from the disaster). The coherence will come from how well you relate the explanations using appropriate vocabulary and transition sentences between the paragraphs.

Try to use 3 sentences minimum for the prompt paraphrase and concluding paraphrase. Don't combine topics into one sentence. You are aiming to show your ability to use a mix of simple and complex sentences in every paragraph presentation. You will score better when you prove that ability in the paraphrase sections.

Graduate / Social Services - I am applying to MPH programs and this is my SOP [3]

Your essay is too muddled with backstories that do not really focus on your purpose for masters studies. Your actual purpose does not come until the last part of the essay, by which time the reviewer will have lost total interest in what you have to say regarding the purpose of your studies. You should bring that up to the first paragraph. When properly placed, the purpose could actually work to hold the attention of the reviewer and, quite possibly, increase his interest in your application credentials. So, the paragraphing for your essay should be:

Par. 1: Being exposed to the health issues...research and education.
Par. 2: Summarize your experience with Dr. X. That portion is too long and irrelevant to the presentation. Just explain that you worked with him previously on a study of so and so then focus the discussion paragraph in the following topic: I continued to work with Dr. XX and applied ...identities at hand.

Par. 3: The Master of Public Health (MPH) program ...and analytical capabilities.
Par. 4: Limit yourself to a 5 year career plan. No need to mention your desire to complete a PhD later on. That is irrelevant to the MPH discussion.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. [2]

You have not properly responded to the prompt. You were not supposed to offer an opinion regarding a topic not being asked in the original prompt. You will get marked down for creating an additional discussion point, which altered the original prompt presentation in your paraphrase. The real question dealt with the degree of your dis/agreement with the given statement. Your opinion was not being asked for. This is not a compare and contrast essay with a personal point of view discussion. This is only a degree essay that asks you to defend one opinion. Your statement about how both kinds of hobbies can bring joy is out of place. It should have been placed in the reasoning paragraphs instead as a topic sentence.

Your line of reasoning regarding drawing is incorrect. You enjoy drawing, you are not good at it, so it cannot be a hobby for you. The focus of the discussion is on hobbies. A hobby is defined as: A hobby is a regular activity done for enjoyment, typically during one's leisure time, not professionally and not for pay.Since you do not draw regularly, that is not a hobby and should not have been used as the example in this paragraph.

The second paragraph is so badly written that it does not make sense to a native English speaker. Why on earth would someone want to feed a tiger as a hobby??? Skydiving? You are way off base in this discussion because you are talking about using money to enjoy a hobby when the point of the essay is all about whether people need to do a difficult, not expensive, hobby in order to enjoy. You totally missed the mark here and your TA score will reflect that by falling under 1, which means your whole discussion did not follow the prompt requirements for the topic and formatting.

In this case, the other errors will be irrelevant because the TA score will already prevent you from reaching a passing score. Next time, make sure your discussion falls under the expected discussion parameters of the original prompt. Stay on topic, do not deviate. If you feel you do not understand the given topic, then read sample essays before you write your own response or, have someone explain the prompt to you before you begin writing.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay task 2 regarding who determines children's academic success [3]

A question is never ongoing. A discussion can be ongoing but never a question. Rather, a question may remain unanswered. So you should have said:

Decades have passed and yet the question regarding the influence of parents or classmates on a child while studying has not yet been answered. The discussion remains unanswered because some people believe that parents influence the intellect of a child, while others believe that peer influence is more of an academic driving force. Personally, I find myself agreeing with the opinion that classmates tend to have a more imperative role in their peers scholastic achievements.

Always respond to the question directly in your last sentence. It is the foundation by which the next two paragraphs will be established. By the way, this isn't a comparison essay so there was no need to discuss the lack of influence of parents on their children. The idea is simply to sell the examiner on your belief that classmates influence their friends and schoolmates to do better in class. The cohesive discussion will come from the way that you clearly defend your stance using 2 valid reasons. Unless you are asked to discuss both opinions, never use the comparative discussion format for the Task 2 essay.

Your concluding paragraph is incorrect. It is not a continuing discussion of the given statement. It is merely a wrap-up of the previous discussion points. You are to end the essay by reiterating the following in 3-5 sentences:

- The discussion topic
- Your opinion
- Supporting reason 1
- Supporting reason 2
- Closing sentence

The supporting reasons are only to be mentioned, you do not need to discuss it again. Just repeat the reasons why you believe that your side is correct. One sentence each or a combined sentence for the 2 reasons will suffice. By the way, don't write more than 290 words. Remember, you will be handwriting at the center and you will not be able to write as fast manually as you do on a keyboard. Leave yourself some review time before the test ends to perfect the paper.

Research Papers / All Americans should be afforded the right to counsel [2]

Remove the reference to quoted information in the thesis paragraph. There is no need to quote information there yet as you are simply establishing your point of view as the foundation for the upcoming discussion. Rather, you should be introducing the history of the Sixth amendment in that section by looking into the reasons why the 6th amendment was established. What was the legal system at the time of its inception? Why were lawyers not provided to the accused? Were there instances when the accused were never provided with legal representation? What was the basis for the creation of the Sixth amendment? You need to have the historical basis for the discussion before you go into the references to legal actions that required the need for legal counsel. Overall though, the essay is informative and well presented. It is just lacking the historical reference to the need for the 6th amendment.

Writing Feedback / Electric vehicles have come a long way with the advancement in technology [2]

The essay tends to be redundant in statements. You mention the same information about charging the vehicle more than twice throughout the essay. I guess the main problem stems from how you did not properly outline your essay before writing the discussion. The thesis statement should be clear about what the discussion is. My thesis statement would be similar to:

Electric vehicles are slowly catching on as popular modes of in-town transportation. It is best used for short trips around the city, where the possibility of running out of battery charge is low. It is the problem with battery mileage and trip restrictions that make the EV an ill advised car for long or out of town trips. However, that problem is slowly being addressed by EV manufacturers, specifically, the EV cars coming out of the Tesla plant in China. It is important to understand what sort of usage drawbacks exist for EV owners and how those problems are slowly being resolved.

If you properly outline the discussion points and purpose of your research, you will remove the redundancies in the paragraph presentations. The succeeding paragraphs could be better informed if you use the following paragraph outline:

- Benefits of using an EV in-city
- Possible benefits of long range EV use
- Problems of using an EV in-city and long range
- Charging adapter and station issues
- Proposed solutions
- Future outlook for EV as long range use vehicles

Creating a more solid discussion outline that targets specific discussion points relevant to the discussion will create a less redundant and more informative presentation.

Writing Feedback / Climate change or just dynamic weather? We need to find a way to live with it. [3]

You forgot to consider the main discussion requirement of this essay:To what extent do you agree or disagree? So your rambling response does not make any sense. You did not respond to the given discussion question. You did not offer a clear side to support in the discussion right off the bat. You are doing a comparative discussion in a single opinion essay. Wherever you read the word OR in the question being posed, that means you have to choose between the two sides and represent only one in the discussion. You cannot do a comparative discussion because that means you did not create a clear position based on the given topic for the discussion. That will result in a TA score of 3. Which will strongly pull down your final score. It will prevent you from achieving the 5 band score.

If you believe that the proposal is totally unattainable, then you should have said so in the paraphrase section by indicating something like: I strongly oppose the suggestion that we should learn to live with the uncontrollable changes to our weather patterns. Then, you should have gone on to discuss 2 reasons why you support that opinion.

The coherence and cohesiveness of your discussion is in the strength of your reasoning. The way that you connect 2 supporting statements to prove your point creates a connected (cohesive) discussion that, when read in combination, creates clarity (coherence) in your explanations pertaining to the side that you support. Without the connecting reasons, your discussion lacks the proper coherence and cohesiveness that would show that you have a clear understanding of the given prompt and discussion parameters.

Writing Feedback / The issue about protecting wild animals. Give your opinion [3]

Please remember to place the prompt at the start of the essay, not at the bottom. I need the reference question at the start so I will know how to review your essay. Do not place it at the bottom. It makes the task of reviewing your essay more difficult as I have to read it twice. Once just because i need to read it and then again because you finally gave the review instructions for it.

Anyway, you are offering a non-response to the question in the original prompt so the essay will automatically get a TA failing score of 3. The original discussion instruction is: To what extent do you agree or disagree? However, you chose to not respond to the given question. Which means that your essay does not express a position on the given topic. As such, your essay will have to receive significant point deductions in relation to the TA section.

You do know that you are not allowed to express your personal opinion in the concluding statement right? By the way, even when you did express an opinion, it still wasn't in the format required by the essay. So you still will not get points for that response. You have to place the response as a part of the paraphrase in the first paragraph. The conclusion is only meant as a summary of the preceding discussion. Discussing your personal opinion there creates an open ended rather than a concluded essay.

Familiarize yourself with the proper way to frame your response to the various discussion instructions. It is always placed as a part of the paraphrase because it becomes the basis of the overall discussion and also, is one of the most important TA elements. The TA is scored at the start, not at the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The popularity of free time activities that the US elderly took part in - the period of 1980 & 2010 [3]

With only 20 minutes to write this task by hand, you should not be able to write 232 words. That kind of word count means you will have cut into the Task 2 writing time. Remember, you should only write between 175-190 words for this task. That word count ensures that you will stay within the given time frame and also, meet the revising guidelines to perfect your presentation before the time is up on this section of the test. The number of words that you have written is more suited, with some additional words, to a Task 2 essay. The task 1 essay requires you to be direct in reporting the facts. with as little elaboration as possible due to time constraints.

There are errors in your summary overview. You should have indicated that the years reported range from the 1980's to the 2010's. These are the time ranges indicated in the original image and should have been referred to as such. There is a difference between 1980's to the 2010's and "the period of 1980 and 2010". The former refers to inclusive decades and the latter, refers to only 2 specific years. Since the Task 1 essay requires information accuracy, you must make double sure that your data is always correct otherwise you misinform the reader.

You also did not notice something obvious when you initially look at the image. The numbers for hiking, while increasing in popularity, also had an overlapping trend with reading, theater, and watching TV. That means that at certain points, hiking and other activities had equal popularity among the elderly as free time activities during specific decades. You need to make sure that information like that is included in your report because you need to use all of the information, in relation to the era's represented, in your data presentation.

Writing Feedback / Films were produced by big companies in the past, but today people are able to make a film. [2]

This is not a comparative essay or advantage/disadvantage conversation. It is a single opinion essay that requires you to choose one side to fully justify within 2 reasoning paragraphs. There is no middle ground in this presentation. You are tasked to present a clear position on the given topic otherwise you risk getting a 3 TA score. The 3 TA score us automatic when you fail to choose one side to defend in the presentation. Failure to pick one side could actually result in the failure of your paper since the TA consideration scores you down for not having a clear position in the paper. A clear position is signified by a solid support for one of the two options provided.

You know that this is not a comparative essay because it contains the word OR in it. OR is used to refer to words that represent alternatives. You cannot choose both when faced with an alternative. You can only opt for one, not both since an alternative is a choice between two or more things with the option to choose only one of the two.

Writing Feedback / Reducing global warming damage should be handled by governments rather than inviduals. [2]

This is a single opinion essay. As a single opinion essay, you are not allowed to support both sides of the discussion. You can only support one of the two sides presented, using the measured response method. Since you did not follow the required paragraph response format, you will not be able to get a passing score for this essay. The TA section requires you to pick a side to support because the essay is asking you; "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". Since you did not offer a clear position on the given topic, by choosing one of the two sides to support in your discussion, your TA score will most likely be 3. The score of 3 represent the fact that you did not express a position even though one was required in the essay.

You are also using memorized phrases that examiners consider very old and disappointing to read. "In this day and age" isn't really a phrase that sits well with the examiner. It is not a phrase that helps present your opinion, nor does it help to move the essay discussion forward. Hence, the examiners dislike reading such memorized phrases in the exam essays.

Another reason that this essay will fail is because it lacks the minimum word count. The minimum count is 250 words, you wrote 246. Points will be deducted for not meeting the minimum word requirement. So, overall, the essay failed to deliver on the most important parts and as such, will not meet the minimum requirements for a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that the world is changing for the better [2]

By writing 355 words, you have shown that you can type fast, but, can you hand write just as fast within 40 minutes? I don't think so. Always practice by setting your timer and using a practice booklet. Hand write the essay as you would at the testing center. If you do not practice using the actual test setting, you will find yourself lacking for time and being unable to complete the essay in the handwritten form on the actual test day. Use the actual test setting when practicing so you there won't be any surprises for you come test day.

Your response to the prompt is unclear. What exactly do you mean by: Some assert the reverse that the world itself is getting down.

Getting down is English slang for one of two things: (1) Going to a dance floor or (2) to be cool with something. Neither of which apply to what I think you want to say. Remember, you have to be clear in your statements otherwise you will lose points for coherence. If something is unclear to the examiner, he will definitely score you downward for it. Additionally, you are not being asked about whether you are convinced by the statement. You are being asked if you agree or disagree with it. So your response isn't aligned with the discussion question and will cost you more deductions in the TA section.

You should only be writing a maximum of 5 sentences that have a topic sentence to start with, followed by a reasoning explanation, an example, then a supporting justification for the example, and finally, a transition sentence into the next paragraph. All you did was present reason after reason, without a justified explanation, so your ideas are all under developed and will not score well when it comes to cohesiveness and coherence.

Basically the content and presentation of this essay is problematic. It is not going to achieve a 5 band score because of the lack of clarity in the discussion along with the lack of explanations and justifications for the reasons presented. Don't just keep presenting reasons, you need to be able to justify the reasons as well. 2 reasons in 2 connected paragraphs would suffice for this type of 4 paragraph essay.

Graduate / Statement of purpose - why I want to apply for Master in Business Analytics? [2]

The essay needs to be reformatted in order to create a more interesting SOP and information presentation. The current version is too scattered and sometimes irrelevant to the discussion expected. You might want to consider the following format suggestion to improve the content of the paper:

Par. 1: I am currently working ...I chose 'Business analytics' as my further research segment.
Par. 2: My goal is t...be a successful academic. ( Consider using a 5 year career plan in this presentation. 10 years requires additional studies under the PhD program)

Par. 3: Besides academic studies and research...and lease calculation.
Par. 4: I have completed Bachelor of Business Administration (BBA) ...business and economics.
Par. 5: You need a totally new paragraph. One that includes a reference to how the university can help you achieve your 5 year career plan based on the course curriculum and other training programs. Your current reference doesn't really stand out as reasons why you would choose the university to study at.

You don't really need to introduce yourself in the manner that you did in this paper. The reviewer already knows who you are and the title of the paper is self explanatory. Don't talk down to the reviewer, he will feel insulted.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Discuss both views about sports profession of wages [3]

You misunderstood the discussion instruction. The original instruction for the triple topic presentation is:

OP: Discuss both these views and give your opinion

The discussion requirement is a 3 reasoning paragraph format comprised of:
- Some people think this is fully justified
- others think it is unfair.
- Personal opinion

You cannot present a personal opinion in the paraphrase section. That is impossible to do at that point since you have not completed the comparative discussion of the 2 reasons presented yet. You do not present your personal opinion in the paraphrase. You merely outline the discussion paragraphs in that case. The paraphrase should have been somewhat like this:

Paid athletes tend to earn more money than people who work in other notable occupations. While there are factions that support the large salary these financially compensated players receive, there are some groups that oppose the wages they receive because it is discriminatory towards other professions. I would like to develop and present my personal opinion on the topic after considering the supporting facts that both sides present.

Do not forget to use second and third person pronouns to represent the discussion for the public points of view. Use those in every paragraph except in the one that represents your personal point of view. That should be in the first person presentation. Without the extensive use of the second and third person pronouns in your essay, the discussion becomes one sided, a personal point of view alone. You need to use the pronouns properly as a part of the topic sentence per paragraph.

Also, you have to remember that this type of discussion topic is always presented in the 5 paragraph format. Read the original prompt and then write down the discussion topics. The discussion topics will always correspond to the type of discussion instruction. In this case:

Discussion topic: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions

Discussion instructions: Discuss both these views and give your opinion

Points of view:
1. Some people think this is fully justified
2. others think it is unfair
3. personal opinion

Always outline the topic, discussion instruction, and topics for discussion before you start writing. That way you know exactly how many paragraphs you need to present and you will not accidentally misrepresent the discussion or format of the presentation.

Scholarship / Project of my own original invention [2]

You have a very confused presentation in this essay. You are telling the story backwards, forwards, and all other directions except one that the reviewer will be able to easily understand. The best way to approach this essay? Tell the story going forward from the past. Use your previous experience and exposure to FGM to open the discussion then work on the objectives, project implementation, and persons involved. So the presentation would be something similar to the following outline:

Par. 1: during my college years I was involved in a student activity fighting FGM...Carry out workshops ...
Par. 2: doctors will also be trained to counsel ...financing and funding.
Par. 3: a representative of religion (Islam and Christianity) ...and role models.

Use an essay format to present your project. It will make it easier to follow and allow you to easily edit the content as required. The discussion topics above are only an example of how you can better approach the presentation. You don't have to follow it as I presented it. It is merely a suggested format for the presentation. You may revise your presentation as you deem fit. Just remember that you have to follow a specific informative presentation format for it that does not deviate too much from the presentation nor over informs the reviewer.

Research Papers / Drug Addiction: Choice vs Disease [2]

The paper needs to lean towards a particular outcome. What exactly to you want to say with this paper? Insinuate the conclusion within the theory introduction in the first paragraph. Dismiss the quotation at the start since you are not supposed to be doing anything in that paragraph except presenting your thesis statement, outlining your discussion, and offer a glimpse into the possible conclusion of your research paper.

An academic research paper never includes the personal opinion or experience of the writer. The writer loses credibility as an authoritative writer when there is a personal connection between you and any of the subjects being written about. You must remain neutral in the presentation at all times. So you have to revise the part about the people whom you know have addictions. That will need to come from a place of disconnect on your part. A person you interviewed for the paper would be the best way to present that information. Whatever you do, keep the unbias tone in the research paper.

You need to add information to the paragraphs that have quoted information. It feels too mechanical and lacks a researcher's insight in the presentation. You should be looking into adding your personal insight, without portraying it as such. Use the third person outlook for the presentation to avoid involving your personal opinion in the discussion.

Double check your presentations. You have portions where you have to refer to sources in relation to the study done on rats. You have been referring to how the research was done and its outcome but there is no reference to where that information came from. Remember that you need to use in-text citations properly. If you have it listed in your sources page, you have to make sure it is referred to within your research paper as well.

Writing Feedback / Are computers the most important invention of the last century? [5]

There are two problems that will cause this essay presentation to fail. The first and foremost problem, is that you wrote under the minimum word count. The word count is the first thing that the examiner will check for. Since you wrote only 223 words out of the 250 minimum, you will be receiving points deductions for the remaining 27 words that are missing from your essay. That is the bad news. Now for the worst news.

You changed the prompt discussion from:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

to:

YP: I would discuss from my view that the other moderns are also important to our life.

Due to the unrelated response to the prompt, your TA score will immediately be a 1. So the 1 score for the unrelated response, plus the word deduction problem and, you guessed it, the essay will get an automatic failing score. Next time, make sure you write at least 250 words that fully discuss the prompt topic based on the discussion instruction that was provided. If you fail to do that, you will never get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Music at school. Give your opinion about it. [2]

Hi, I am not sure if I should be reviewing this as a Task 2 IELTS essay or as a simple English essay writing exercise. I will err on the side of caution and simply review this as an English writing exercise. If you wrote the essay for a Task 2 practice test, then the same grammar review will apply anyway. Kindly let me know what kind of exercise the essay was written for next time. It will help me give you a more comprehensive review of your work.

Please be conscious of the differences in the American and UK English spelling. The UK version favors the use of the letter U in most of their spelling formations so favorite becomes favourite in UK English. You really have a problem with typing it seems. You often forgot to use the space bar between the end of the previous sentence and the start of the next one. It created some difficulty in reading your work as it appeared to be spelling errors in the eyes of the reader.

When writing a word that means something that is not going to be completed, please use the term "cannot" instead of "can not" as the latter indicates a confusing word choice that means "doable but not doable". The same goes for the word "therefore", which cannot be written as "there fore". It is also a redundancy to say "first former". Former already means "the first choice". Also, the correct way of writing the sentence is "I am inclined to support the former".

Several other errors exist in your writing but since this is your first time posting here, I'll give you a pass and forgive the other errors. You are here to learn after all and that is what I shall help you do. I look forward to seeing some improvements with your next writing exercise, which I hope to better review once you let me know what type of essay you are writing (IELTS, TOEFL, English writing exercise, etc.)