Undergraduate / Study Plan to get Study Permit in Canada for Computer Science Undergraduate [2]

@HasanZobaer
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll try to assist you with your essay.

First and foremost, I think that the depth and the composition is well-done. You have provided a comprehensive background of yourself and of your educational standing. You were also quite certain and specific as to why you have chosen this university and the country. What I would only suggest that you attempt to compartmentalize and organize your thoughts more. For instance, you were quite sporadic and all-over-the-place when it came to discussing the benefits of studying in Canada. What you could do perhaps is start of with introducing what is contained in the Bangladeshi educational system before providing a detailed outlook of what Canada's system appears to be in comparison. If you can do this, you'll have side by side approach to the discussion.

Furthermore, I have also noticed that the essay was quite one sided when it comes to providing an overview. It would be helpful if you could give an overview of your experiences in your home country, Bangladesh. If you can retell this, you'll be able to show that you are fully aware of the circumstances and lapses in your country - therefore why you are seeking assistance from Canada. In addition to this, I have observed/noticed that your last paragraph is a bit out of proportion to the rest of the essay. There's no necessity for you to include the information there, considering that your application has to show more of an innate determination and an efficiency to handle the life of being an international student. Bear this in mind as you are writing.

Best of luck in your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : Parents should be required to take a course that prepares them to be good parents. [3]

@Seba0901
Hello!

Seeing as you are new here, welcome!

First and foremost, the composition of your essay is well-done. I think that the overall structure is good on its own. You had variations of lengths, consistency, and an elaborate format. Good job on this.

That being said, however, I can notice that there were instances wherein you had quite a repetitive tone. This was mostly in portions wherein you were explaining a little bit too much on the edge without taking into due consideration how synonymous your terminologies already are. For instance, is it really necessary to say educationalists and experienced lecturers? You could go on with just one of these terms and omit the other. This will leave you more space for fruitful discussion (ie. elaborating more in your concluding part). This goes the same with saying that parents should be able to empathize with children's emotions and feelings - both these terms have a similar undertone and meaning. You can choose to eliminate one part over the other.

Once you have accomplished this, you'll have more space for essential discussions. Bear this in mind.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Writing Feedback / IELTS2: Are the problems that international travellers cause greater than the advantages they bring? [3]

@oneouran
Hi there!

I partially agree with the previous comment that you should focus your writing more on your answered/responsive perception to the question posed. I say partially as I do not necessarily think that you should ultimately ditch the drawbacks of the situation - rather, you should balance your writing more to be biased towards your own response.

That being said, the surface-level of your essay appears to be put-together and well-written. I say this because you have managed to evade most of the commonplace issues in writing (punctuation, preposition usage, etc.). Still, I think that you need to focus more on creating integrated sentences that'll help you curate complex and yet simplified essays. Applying these techniques will help you in the long-run when it comes to establishing more meaning compressed into smaller chunks. If you can fulfill this, you'll have more excess space to add depth to your essay.

Let's revise a small portion of your essay to demonstrate what these mean.

In spite of these above arguments, I still ...
... economic growth, creating an influx of job opportunities and even ... than before. ... near a tourist attractions mainly depend on travellers to survive for income, and also ... to visitors; this also is a source of work for tour guides and related services.. Moreover, governments could not ... the world can also gain income through other countries' advertisements. As a result, ... evolution.

The last sentence is irrelevant and unnecessary in this light. Consider that you've already established this concluding remark in the initial portions, rendering it useless to be repeated. Rather, just focus on the concluding paragraph of your overall essay.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast between extroverts people with the introverts' one [3]

@laylastella
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum.

There are a couple of things that I look after when I'm reading content. Firstly, there's minimal repetitions both in structure and meaning. Secondly, there has to be sufficient depth that explores the crevices of a topic in great detail. I have observed in your writing that you have satisfied the latter - still, there's more space for you to work on the first portion of the essay. Moreover, I have noticed that there were portions of your essay that could have been merged in order to create a firmer and more academic tone.

Let's take a look at the second paragraph of the content you have posted here.

... By contrast, extroverts whose ... outward tend to ... talkative. T ; they have ...
... than listen, whereas introverts prefer to listen ... concretely listening over talking. ... like being alone with things being and quiet. ... than having alone time time alone. ..., they work better alone on their own. Introverted people were wear headphones ...

Try to observe the changes I've made and implement them the next time you write.

Best of luck as always.

Letters / Help me out to apply for Management Consulting Firm with this cover letter [2]

@marlynoktavia
Hello there!

I can offer you a little bit of assistance for your essay.

First and foremost, may I suggest shifting the overall tone of your essay to a firmer one? There's numerous techniques that you can implement in order to accomplish this. A primary method that I always tell people would be to try and curate direct to the point content for you to focus more attention to the depth of your substance. I'll demonstrate what this means in practice later on.

Additionally, using integrated terminologies or merged words will help you trim down the excesses of your essay, causing you to have more hold over the message you are conveying. I feel as though a common pattern among learners and writers alike is to incorporate repetitive lines in hopes that it would stretch the meaning. But rather than adding depth, you are exaggerating the content without actually adding content and meaning. Knowing how to differentiate these two writing techniques is critical.

With both of these in mind, let's take a look at (in particular) your third paragraph. While the written output itself is put-together and has the distinctive complexity necessary to showcase professionalism, there were instance wherein it collided with the overall meaning of your essay. What I suggest is trying to rephrase particular lines to structure it a better light. For example, take this revision:

The company strives to curate both short-term and long-term capabilities based on sustainable and breakthrough projects. build capabilities ... term. Not only does it succeeds ... industry pave way for extravagant achievements in consultancy work, the company is able to develop both the people and their values., the company ... success.

Notice how I was able to relay synonymous meaning while still maintaining structured work. Keep these in mind.

Best of luck as always. Don't be afraid to come again if you have more queries!

Research Papers / De-Stigmatizing The Gap Year [2]

@thatonemoroccan
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. Don't be afraid to approach us the next time you have queries in relation to your essay (or to any writing).

First and foremost, I find that a great chunk of your essay is well-written. This is taking into account it has blocks of content that are in-depth and properly substantiated. However, the drawback of this, from a reader's perspective, is that it can often appear to be dragging and exhausting. To resolve this, you have three techniques that I propose are relatively easy to integrate in your writing: omitting sentences that are vague/inessential, cutting down lengths of paragraphs by simplification of text, and separating your paragraphs into two different ones by merging and compressing. If you can use these three, you'll be able to structure and prioritize your essay in a better light.

In addition, the sentence about your personal experience with taking a gap year appears to be out of place. I suggest either merging this with a similar form/substance of a paragraph - or removing it altogether.

The second to the last paragraph (the one preceding your summary) also appears to have informal tone/language ingrained in it. There's no need for you to capitalize particular terms (ie. the word university, for instance) - and you can also tone down your usage of language here.

To demonstrate what this means, consider the following revision:

... and don't want refuse to go back ... gap year solely working to save up money for University university ended up ... more than they ... the workplace remaining in work. ... as "Partying" or just overall being lazy, they simply ... purpose of a gap year it. In general, experts do believe that ... university. - there are always ... sense.

Notice how repetitive you were becoming with mentioning the term gap year. While this explicit mention was necessary in the beginning, you can omit it and replace it with signifying words in the latter portions to ensure that your essay is dynamic. Furthermore, evade making assumptions out of the research (ie. mentioning that partying is indicative of "just being lazy" because these create an informal and truly opinionated tone in your essay that will not be beneficial for you.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Bar Chart - social networking sites people used in Canada [2]

@buiminhese
Hi there.

Thanks for coming back to the forum. I'll do my best to help you.

First and foremost, I can say certainly that the construction of your sentences has improved. This appears to be more put-together and academically appropriate.

With this in mind, I do think that there are primary rooms for improvement. For instance, you can still trim down your essay and omit particular lines that only add irrelevant weight to your essay. If you can accomplish this, you'll curate a significantly more direct-to-the-point and yet in-depth essay that will reflect the needs of that of a interpretative analysis content.

Remember that an academic tone is established when you do this as your technique will use more complex and yet structured words.

To elaborate what this means, I'll revise a small portion of what you have now.

Overall, t The percentage of Canadians people who did not use ... site either fully did not use or used only one networking site decreased ... proportion of Canadian people ...

Notice how you can omit the word Canadian in the latter portions of the text, considering that you have already declared this as a fact in the initial portions. Eliminating these repetitions will help you in the long-run.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Two different recruiting criteria [2]

@solivagant
Hi there!

Be cautious of the way that you structure your sentences. Having a simplified approach to writing will help you.

For instance, in your first paragraph, you can rephrase the lines as:

Companies gain leverage when they employ the right people. Hiring managers should prioritize three things: academic credentials, prior work experiences, and personal character.

Notice how restructuring your sentence(s) this way enables you to appear to have a more formal method of merging your thoughts altogether. Try to apply a similar technique to the rest of your essay.

Looking at your second paragraph, for instance:

..., it seems quite reasonable to ...
... specific skills and talents which necessarily that involve a huge commitments.

...terns like quite would help you establish a firmer tone for your essay, creating more of an appropriate academic tone. Try to avoid repetitions as well. Talents and skills are both not far apart from each other in terms of meaning, therefore you can omit one or the other, depending on the context of your essay. In this case, for example, skills can be more appropriate considering that we are referring to honed and academically-achieved knowledge.

Keep these in mind as you are writing - and best of luck as always!

Undergraduate / "One small step" - UW Transfer Personal Statement [3]

@JoeLollo
Hi there!

I think that the composition is well-written. I would only suggest integrating more techniques to tailor-fit your essay to the overall formatting that you desire to have. If you can, for instance, remove the lines that are quite irrelevant to the overall dictated meaning of your content. If you can do this, you'll be able to curate more form-fitting structures that'll help you elaborate your thoughts more eloquently. In addition, the way that you transition between your sentences can be worked on. Stop using repetitive words to move between your content - instead, you should always opt to have more of an organic and naturalized approach to writing.

Using more synonymous words to glide between your phrases/sentences. Having a more directed approach will help you.

For instance, observe how I'll revise this portion:

Ultimately, I came to ... my passion, but that rather enriching the lives of others' lives through any form of education is educating them is. TAlthough I enjoy learning many things and have a vast knowledge of on multiple subjects, ... - and especially the ... ... classroom,; but it happens ... in rapidly and actively ...

Notice that there's no firm need for you to say rapidly and actively changing because these two descriptions are quite tangled and close to each other already.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Does Technology narrow or widen the poverty gap? [2]

@trungpham96
Hi there.

Like what I always tell most learners here, I won't necessarily give out a band score - but I'll give you the necessary commentaries for your essay.

Firstly, maximize the content of your essay through incorporating more complex words that'll integrate altogether the thoughts you have for your essay. If you can accomplish this, you'll be able to trim down the content of your essay, considering that you'll have more space to have substance and depth in your writing. Keep in mind that often we have a tendency to separate words that have synonymous words. If you can omit the usage of these filler words, you'll have the luxury of extending your thoughts into more substantiated formats.

Speaking of omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words, try to remove merged words that have synonymous content. For instance, there's no need for you to say that they are innovations and discoveries, considering that both of these terms are quite intertwined in terms of their overall meaning.

All of this is about creating more tailor-fit content that'll help you relay meaning without losing touch of having a more directed approach towards writing.

With these in mind, I'll demonstrate what they mean through revising a portion of your essay.

... reasons that the wealth ... increasing for the increase in wealth inequality. One reason is the automation. Drive by technology, and automation ... As a result, This results to less work ... people who are in lower classes. ... neo -tech, although more and more advanced ... to cure a range of diseases, the price of ... rich people ; this caused healthcare to be more expensive, causing inaccessibility to the poor. The poor ... will improve People resort to traditional methods without a guarantee of improvement. For example, so many poor people are suffering from a lot of chronic ... or asthma and even may die ...

Keep in mind these comments - and observe the changes I've made. Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / The only way to solve the increasing crime rate of young offenders is to teach parents..... [3]

@EmanF
Hello there.

Not necessarily going to give an outright band score, but I'll help you work on your written content.

Firstly, try integrating and using optimizing techniques that will help you use more structure in your essay. If you can do this, you'll end up with simpler content and be able to focus more on the depth of your essay. Evade the usage of filler words at all costs - not unless, of course, you have the luxury to do so. If you keep these things in mind, you'll build your essay's overall tone in a more academic and appropriate light.

That being said, using more appropriate and smoother transition methods can also help you add more innovative techniques. If you do this, you'll be able to focus your attention to a more organic approach in writing. This will help you lessen the unnatural behaviors that you demonstrate when you are being interactive.

Ensure that you always use relevant grammar tools when you're writing. If you can do this, you'll enhance the overall outlook of your essay.

With these things in mind, I'm going to revise a small portion of your essay to demonstrate what these things mean.

The psychology and behavior of youth are most vulnerable to harmful surroundings that they are exposed to. And thus, I strongly ... in applying certain strategies that can to bring out morals values or positivity and optimism in their children. In this essay, I would will elicit why ... can do so to achieve this.

Most importantly, c Charity begins at home. ... the first ones whom a baby interacts with when he or she is born. ... studying in a well-reputed or a disciplined highly reputable school.

Remember to remove unnecessary/irrelevant words at all times. For instance, moral values is quite redundant because morals are already values on their own.

Keep these in mind when you are writing.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Sports which enhance team spirit are most beneficial but others advocate for individual competitions [3]

@oanh9a6
Hi there!

Will not necessarily give a band score, but I'll do my best to help you with the substance and structure of your essay.

First and foremost, consistency with the forms of your words is essential to retain as you are writing. This will help you curate a more academically appropriate structure for your content. If you can do this, you'll be able to redirect your attention to writing more elaborately without losing track of the conventions of writing.

A key technique that I always tell people is that if you can separate a sentence into two separate chunks, opt to do this. If you have done this, you'll be able to structure your essay more efficiently with using simpler formats. This will help you minimize potential mistakes from having too much backlogged information.

In addition, I suggest having a more structured approach to your sentences. I have observed that you have quite a baffling hold of the overall content of your essay. If you can, focus on following conventional writing patterns. This will help you create more depth without risking common mistakes in writing with a followed outline.

Keep these comments in mind when you are writing. Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Child punishment as a way of teaching morality [5]

@solivagant
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll try my best to assist you.

Firstly, evade the usage of synonymous terms compressed into one single sentence. It drags on your writing, creating irrelevant patterns of content. Notice when you are using similar terms, try to stick with it more consistently. If you can do this, it will help you in the long-run establish a firmer tone in your essays.

Secondly, structure is critical when you are writing. Use appropriate punctuation in areas that require them to create a more conventional written work. If you can accomplish this, you'll be able to tailor-fit your content to a more patterned written format. Keeping that in mind, you can also opt to shorten your lengthy sentences using simplification methods. If you can trim down your content's excesses, you'll be able to focus more on writing efficiently with clarity and depth.

With these two comments in mind, let me revise a small portion of your essay.

There is aAnother vital drawback to this of this kind of teaching. It can mistakenly get is that children to will associate morality with pleasure, stopping and stop them from becoming autonomous moral beings; they will act in accordance to what is right who act in ... thing to do. Most of the individuals ... tend to never quit ... turn might occasionally mean to behave immorally, ... On the other hand, tThey may ... patterns flexibly as ... them once people start looking. That is, iIf these people ..., they will probably cheat. be prone to cheating.

With these in mind, try to not elaborate too much with excesses. Remember that simplified language will help you create more meaning to your content.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Sports have the same importance as classes and libraries and require also similar funding [4]

@lebuixuan
Hello!

Good luck with your upcoming test. And let me try to help you improve your writing.

I think that your essay is well-written. Most of the mistakes that have arisen are mostly due to the rising complexity of the language, making it essential that you reference back to your fundamental grammar rules to ensure that you aren't dragging your essay. That being said, omitting a few words that are causing quite an excessive tone to your essay will also be beneficial for you. This will let you have more space to integrate depth-based writing techniques that'll help you with writing.

Additionally, watch out for the forms of words that you use. Consistency is critical when you are writing. If you should write something in plural form, do that. If you start with a particular tense, it would be helpful to end with that tense also.

Let me revise a few parts to show you what I mean.

..., undertaking in non-scholastic ... to build bridges, ... in attaining substantial triumph at this day and day. To be more sSpecifically, by having ... an enormous fortune of ... a relationship. opportunity to expand their peer groups with individuals who speak the same language, establishing a firmer relationship bond My ...

Know and recognize when you are utilizing excessive language. For instance, saying substantial triumph is already irrelevant, considering that a triumph is already quite a loaded word to be tied to substantial remarks.

Best of luck in your writing as always. Don't be afraid to keep in touch at all times.

Writing Feedback / Advertising to children - Discuss both views [2]

@buiminhese
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Don't fret. We'll do our bests to help you here.

First and foremost, I recommend that you try trimming down the length of your sentences. While complexity is great, having more dynamism in your writing will help you curate a persona as you are going along. If you can maintain this, you'll have more of an organic structure to work with. Overall, this is beneficial because it paves way for you to communicate in a more creative manner.

If you can, use less baffling structures in your content. Doing this would enable you to have more hold over the meaning that you are conveying as you are writing.

Additionally, be cautious of your usage of punctuation and preposition. These are both common mistakes for learners. It can be helpful for you to look back on reference books. Using more non-conventional transitions will also help you in the long-run (ie. using semi-colons to move between correlated sentences) as it helps you develop more innovative techniques.

Avoid redundant and repetitive words. If you do this, you can focus more on content that'll add more depth - rather than simply uttering everything over and over again.

Writing Feedback / IELTS General: Traffic congestion problem and some measure that could be taken to reduce traffic [3]

@rayraja18
Hi there!

I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome!

First and foremost, I recommend trying to condense and compress your thoughts into smaller chunks of sentences. There are varied techniques that you can use in order to achieve this - primarily, you can get away with it through integrating lines that are quite comparative with one another alongside omitting lines that are unnecessary. If you can do this, you'll be able to maximize the space you have for your essay. Having optimal descriptions would be key.

In addition to that, ensure that the formatting of your text would be compliant to the conventions of English. Doing this will certainly make sure that your writing would be consistent with the standards that you need to have, enhancing the overall outlook of your essay.

Remember: leave out what you can leave out and reference back to your learning materials when in doubt.

To give you a clearer picture of how this looks, consider this:

Nowadays t Traffic jam has is become commonplace in most of the countries, ... double to the growth observed in than that of rural areas. With the rise in population rise of a in the city, an ... expected, leading to traffic congestion which in ... congestion. ... conditions,: increase in ... accidents, making a situation more alarming contribute to the alarming situation. ... to address these issues and make a suitable concrete plan to mitigate these. these issues.

Observe the changes I've made and try to incorporate the techniques I've mentioned next time.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Equal numbers of men and women learners in every field of study - is such balance beneficial? [3]

@vilender
Hi there!

First and foremost, ensure that the formatting of your words would all be academically appropriate. This includes making sure that the structure of your sentences are conventionally correct. If you can incorporate fundamental techniques into your writing, it would be better for the overall flow of your essay. That being said, I have noticed that this is a commonplace mistake. If you feel as though you can divide a sentence into two different parts, opt to do that rather than sticking with a non-conventional, run-on sentence.

Moreover, try to also evade being repetitive with your essay. When you're creating a general outline to follow, it would be beneficial if you can follow either an inductive or deductive pattern in creating logical patterns to build your essay's overall substance.

With these things in mind, I would suggest the following revisions for a small portion of your essay.

To begin with, The 21st century ... equality among male and female of genders., therefore, b By having the same amount proportion of gender enrolling to university, it can, ... ideology it will support this ideation. Moreover, it can be easily seen observed that, there has been an unimbalance in ... in plethora of works various fields of work. This might be is the result ... of sexes in different area at school in education. ... the divergence has are shown greatly when a student go apply applies for a jobs. For example, in the technology field, the number of males has outweighs the number of females, - hence, there will be a high chance that girls will be turned down due to the engrained ingrained perspective perception that boys ... and programming ( the unbalance ... case) because of stereotypical evidences.

Notice the changes I've made. Best of luck as always in your writing!

Writing Feedback / Some believe that computer technology has made the world and the society a safer place [3]

@JINGHAN
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum.

First and foremost, I recommend that you try to enhance the overall outlook of your essay through using more an academically appropriate structure.

Additionally, using a more structured or outline-based writing method would help you incorporate more substance into your essay without losing touch of the formalities that are necessary.

With that, try revising portions of your essay that have lengthy or bulky sentences. If you feel as though you can get away with separating your thoughts into particular parts (by using transition words, for instance), opt to do that than having run-on sentences.

In order to give more clarity to your essay, it would be beneficial if you can use a firmer voice in your written text.

Let me revise a small part of your essay to give you an idea of what this looks like.

On the one hand, the cutting-edge ... protecting the whole society. The vVideo ... help to prevent deter crimes, for example; , the existence ... criminals, people will think twice before commit crimes committing crimes, if they notice that there are cameras are everywhere. ... cases, the captured images and videos footage from cameras can also ... the court are court evidences. Consequently, the computer ... for the members of the public.

Keep these in mind as you are writing - and hope I helped. Best of luck in your writing!

Undergraduate / Healthcare and Family - Essay about introducing me essay [5]

@Martinez1011
Hi there!

I think that your essay is straightforward and well-written. I would only comment that the structure definitively needs to have more structure. For instance, in your first paragraph, you could have followed a format wherein you followed a sequence of events instead of being scattered in your general introductions of the people in your life. If you can do this, you'll be able to have more of a structured approach to writing, enhancing the overall outlook of your essay.

Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation. You often appear to rambling in the latter portions - this is due to the lack of systematized pattern for you to follow to have more of a writing initiative.

Having said that, I can show you what I mean in this revision:

... healthcare field sector.
... a nurse,; I thought that it was what I...
... for six years,. I was uncertain of how I ended up there, realizing soon after that it wasn't where I intended my life to be in not sure how ... to be. I was not un happy working there. At first, I thought maybe this that was is enough for me - but, after six years, I began to dread the days I was there. ... of a reason to not go not to go.

So today This has led me to today: I begin a new ...

After this, you can perhaps insert a portion that will elaborate more in-depth what these dreams are - and what your long-term aspirations are. Doing this will help you add more intimacy to your writing.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Bar chart - the number of activities selected by Australian children in their leisure time [3]

@Jason Nguyen
Hi there.

Try to integrate the phrases/thoughts that you have in order to maximize the space that your essay has. If you can do this, you'll be able to focus more on adding depth to your essay. Additionally, you can also try to minimize your usage of filler words - and instead, focus on creating more substance.

The best way for me to showcase how to make these changes would be through incorporating them into your writing.

Observe the following revisions:

As can ... chart, tThe most popular activitiesy selected in both genders is watching ..., it reaches reaching a peak at of 100 percent%. ... is electronics and computer games with 80% for boys and 60% for girls., 80 percent ... activity. In addition, Boys also prefer some boys have a strong preference for activities such as bike riding, and skateboarding compared to arts and crafts.; In fact, the percentage ... are always consistently 20% higher than girls higher roughly 20 than girls. ... participate in arts and crafts at about 28% percent compared to approximately 58% of for girls.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Disease prevention is more important than treatment - strongly agree [2]

@Diligent Student

Hi there!

I'll do my best to help you with your essay.

First and foremost, I recommend that you try to have a more straightforward approach to writing. Remember that while transition and filler words are essential, they can also compromise the clarity of your text. This means that you should focus more on the depth and substantion rather than how "complex" the sentence appears. Master this - and you'll be able to focus more on content.

Additionally, evade being repetitive with your words. Using synonyms can help you tremendously with this. If not, you can always rely on biulding a set structure that will help you create a more derivative outline that would help you in the long-run.

Merging both of these comments together will help you tailor-fit your content to a more academic level.

That being said, let's revise to give you an idea of what I mean.

... that a the government can enhance increase its spending and succeed in on prevention, the first one that ... people step can be to educate and spread awareness among the people. To clarify this fFurther, the government ... taught about the negative effects of sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy diet and other life choices. For example, someone who ... from efforts to deter smoking can be achieved if he learns about the ramifications ... Moreover, health visitors can also be ... and the elderly ... to make ensure they are healthy and looked after appropriately. ...

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: Line graph shows the percentage of tourists.... [2]

@rus147
Hello there.

Welcome to the forum.

Firstly, I suggest omitting unnecessary and irrelevant lines in your essay. Because you are constrained by a word count, I recommend that you try to tailor-fit and use only terms and lines that you wish to use.

While filler words and terms that describe approximations would be helpful, they can also tend to drag your essay because you lose space to have more substantiation and depth.

Be cautious of the structure of your sentences as well. If you are unable to determine by yourself these mishaps, I recommend trying to look over reference books and materials that would help you.

In addition to this, ensure that you always use appropriate synonymous words. Clarity is crucial in writing.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay.

... four different temptations in Edinburgh.

Roughly speaking, tThe total ... visited had experienced a fluctuation for over these years. It is worth noting that t The figure ... visited zoos increased ...

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Writing Ielts task 2 - TECHNOLOGY and YOUNG PEOPLE [2]

@Wendynguyen803
Hello there!

First and foremost, I think that your essay is well-written from the get-go. What I would recommend is only integrating techniques that would help you create simpler and yet more effective structures. Using these methods would help you trim down the small mistakes that you make (technicalities-wise), so you can focus on having more depth in your content and substance.

With that being said, I am not necessarily saying omitting all of the descriptive lines that you have. Rather, being more strategic about their placement - and only using them when necessary and not as filler words.

Let me show you what I mean by providing an example through a revision.

..., I support the view of those who believe that the benefits ... Initially, s Society is connected all around the world thanks to the widespread popularity (...) use their smartphones or and laptops so that they can to make video (...) without leaving the comfort of their homes. ... as a remedy for minimizing strain relaxing after a lesson. ... leisure time has become a ...

Best of luck in your writing as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: VISITORS' SATISFACTION BEFORE AND AFTER REFURBISHMENT [2]

@sherry14
Hello there.

It would be helpful if you could provide the pie charts alongside the text next time around in order to help us evaluate the analytical part of your essay.

I would firstly recommend omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words in your essay. This will help you establish a more grounded writing style as you are able to be more concrete and straightforward with what you wish to happen. This will also help you use more productive phrases, optimizing the space you have for your essay. When you're working with word counts, this will enhance the depth of your writing.

Be cautious of the structure of your essays as well. Incorporating the appropriate usage of punctuation, preposition, and word organization would help you in this.

Additionally, make sure that you trim down your descriptive and filler words. This will help you create a more academic tone that'll be beneficial for the overall content that you have.

Having said that, let me revise a few parts of your essay.

Before refurbishment, exactly 15% of people find it very satisfied satisfying when ... Museum, whereas ... feel quite slightly interested in coming in this museum to the museum is twice... However, a After Ashdown ... of visitors were highly satisfied with visiting the museum and the number ... accountsed for 40%, makes it ... the survey. making it the largest proportion.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / THE NUMBERS OF MALE AND FEMALE TEACHERS IN 6 DIFFERENT TYPES OF EDUCATIONAL SETTING IN 2010 [3]

@Thykeppy
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum.

In comparison to most that I have observed and given comments to on the forum, I can say that that your work is well-written. Great job on this. Most of my commentaries on this would therefore be focusing more on helping you create more optimal structures that'll enhance the outlook of your essay.

My fundamental suggestion to you is that you should omit lines and words that you do not necessarily need. You have to learn how to prioritize your content, especially because you are confined within word counts. In addition to this, try using more appropriate and relevant punctuation when you are writing; this will make your essay appear more polished.

Looking at what you have now, let me revise a few parts.

With regards to the group with tThe biggest ... two sexes in is observed in nursery ... school,- with females accounting for nearly 100% the proportion of ... gender. ... a relatively even distribution, ... men made up a half in of the former group while that of whereas women constituted ...

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: the number of silk workforce in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901. [4]

@chickenbound
Hi there!

First and foremost, please do optimize your essay. I have told this to quite a number of people on the forum already, but make certain that you omit words that you can omit. Doing this will save you space to actually have fruitful discussions on ideas that truly need to be discussed. This, in return, will give more depth to your essay.

While it may feel as though using numerous transition and filler words add complexity to your essay, it's not necessarily applicable across the board. Remember that you should be writing with the intent of having more direction to your content. This means that you can incorporate other techniques in writing that'll help you determine what words to use - and what words you can avoid.

In terms of your interpretation of the data, I would only suggest trying to focus more on the analysis rather than simply describing. What you may also do is do both the analytical and descriptive parts of the essay, enabling you to have more dynamism in your writing. What I have noticed is that you had a vacuum of analysis in the initial parts, however you lost traction of maintaining it on the latter portions.

Let me try to revise the first parts of the essay for you.

The given table indicates information about how many the number of workers and silk ... Overall, there was a sharp decrease ... employers of two countries over the period; and it can be seen from the table that more women ... Likewise, i In spite of ..., the figures for silk's of factories increased over the 50 year period.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Describe one of the happiest days of my life (a paragraph of about 200 words). [2]

@Cozy19s
Hello there!

Because you only have two hundred words, using essay optimization techniques would help you have more depth in your writing. There are multiple ways to go about this. For one, you can omit unnecessary and irrelevant words, causing you to focus only on content that you actually need to establish your points in your essay. Remove filler words as well. Afterwards, you can focus on elaborating your thoughts through simpler structures. This does not mean that you cannot use complex sentences - rather, this means that you should evade dragging your sentences in an exhausting manner.

Try to observe how I revise to show you what I mean by these comments.

It was actually interesting to ... that I forget these ... Trang yet have forgotten how meaningful Nha Trang is. After I had completed my work, I got a short took a rest alongside with my co-workers, so this trip ... kids. That said, Nha Trang is a modern and busy city and busy at much, so I had to spent nearly all my days in mythe inn to take only a handful of ..., drink some jam, and haveeat at a fantastic ... together with a ... before., listening to a band.

Notice the changes I have made.

I hope I helped. Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / Proportion of population aged 65+ - The text is IELTS Writing Task1 [3]

@Annie Chen
Hello there. Welcome to the forum!

Like what has already been mentioned, including the figure next time will help us assess your writing. That being said, I'll focus on the technicalities of your writing because it's quite tough to determine mishaps in your content without the figure visible.

Ensure that the forms of your words are appropriately correlated. What this means is making certain that the forms of the words you are using are consistent across your writing. If you're using past tense, stick with it. These may be small mistakes, but it can dramatically impact the overall flow of your essay, considering that it's a vital and fundamental part of writing.

Please do recheck your prepositional phrases. I have noticed that you have a tendency to misuse this form of speech as well. In line with that, it can also be beneficial if you could look over your usage of punctuation. Notice how you have hanging phrases that do not have specific directions to them - this is mostly due to the misuse (or lack of) of preposition. Once you get this out of the way, it would be better for your content in its entirety.

Let me revise the first lines to show you what I mean.

FromBetween 1940 toand 1980, the proportion of USA was the largest inof the three countries. Sweden was the came next, and Japan's was smallest followed by Japan. ButHowever, between 1980 and 2000, Sweden's became the largerst than any other country. The proportion of USA was still larger than Japan.

Some portions of interpretation are already given. For instance, because there are only three countries, there's no need for to mention repeatedly how they fall in line with each other. This can be omitted therefore. Determining these phrases is critical in writing long-form.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / Pension system, cross-culture, differences between Chinese and American aging conditions and so on [2]

@Alyssa Liu
Hello there!

Firstly, be cautious of the structure of your sentences. Notice how you have a tendency to drag on or misuse punctuation. If you can get these things double-checked, you'll have more of an academic tone in your essay.

This flows the same when tackling the usage of synonymous words. Even if it may seem as though using similar words is always a positive thing, it's not applicable across the board. This is taking into account that you may be using synonymous and yet vastly different in terms of context-based sentiments.

Again, consistency is key in writing terminologies. If you have decided to capitalize a specific term, you should retain this capitalization all throughout. This is to standardize your content and morph it into a more structured one.

Using irrelevant words can also drag your essay. You do not need to mention, for instance, that it's a very heavy burden because the weight of these three words is relatively the same; you can just mention that it's a burdensome task to rely solely on pension. While it may appear as though you are being more descriptive, it's not the same when you have clusters of thoughts that have the same underlying thought.

With these technical aspects out of the way, the content of your essay is properly substantiated. The major issue, I believe is the organization of your thoughts. The flow of the essay is quite cluttered. I suggest that you try to categorize your thoughts into very particular sections, using an inductive pattern of thinking. Having a more directed approach will help you.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - books vs experience; which source of knowledge is more important? [3]

@tux543
Hello there.

Welcome to the forum. Let me try to help you with your essay.

First and foremost, I think that you can work on the structure of your essay better. You have a tendency to ramble and lengthen your sentences unnecessary. This puts strain on the outlook of your content, making it seem as though it's exhausting to read. While complexity is generally good, not using the right techniques in crafting a sentence like this can be dragging.

Secondly, always use appropriate forms of words when you are writing. Remember to write with consistency in your tone and forms. This will help you establish a more concrete

Additionally, remember that you should always be cautious of your use of punctuation and preposition. These two things are often misused, so it's always helpful to refer back to your reference materials when you are writing.

Let's revise a portion of your essay to give you an example.

People are learning from both books and experiences. However, which way of acquiring knowledge acquiring, books or experience, is more important is still under discussion. ... books can give one more ... mind be burdensome. Another, whereas others think that experience can get the ... directly lets you directly be exposed to practices. ..., learning from life through experience is ... content on the books.

Always evade the usage of repetitive words; this will not help you in the long-run. Because the subject at hand, reading and basing off from experience, were both aforementioned already, there's no need to continuously repeat them.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Has the ease of preparing food and technologies improved life? [3]

@faash
Hello there! I'll help you with your essay.

First and foremost, I recommend optimizing your essay through omitting lines that are unnecessary and irrelevant to your content. By doing this, you'll be able to focus more on sentences that you need to emphasize. This also includes merging together lines that can be merged. Once you have hold over this technique, you'll have more hold over the content of your essay because you'll have more space to discuss the essential parts.

Secondly, ensure that there is certainty in the tone of your essay. If you can omit filler words, this can help you create a more academic tone that'll help you in the long-run.

Having said all these things, I would also add that you try to reduce the length of your sentences. While this is necessary at times, having lengthy sentences can negatively affect your writing also. Remember that a straightforward approach to the structure of your content will always be helpful; this is due to the fact that having direct-to-the-point and simpler structures can help you evade being misunderstood in the message you are trying to convey.

That being said, I would recommend a revision similar to this for the entirety of the essay:

Apart from the points I've made I made above, when we ... ate today, ... last year have consumed, we realize nowadays how different the the food on our plates is has changed. While pPrior to refrigeration, ... would often lead to food it spoiling and becoming inedible,; today it allows us ... countries we can indulge on a variety of food for different seasons from all over the world because of innovations in food storage. Research clearly shows ... of foods is the key to getting all the necessary nutrients, reducing the which can help to reduce the risk of certain types of diseases. ... and freezers, now meals ... in bulk and stored for later consumption or prepared ... at extra cost. It is really wonderful to always have access to food available and to be able to eat completely different ...

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - investment in science subjects is essential for development [3]

@katiemeo
Hi there!

Let me help you with your essay - I'll do my best.

First and foremost, I recommend that you try investing more space and time into ensuring that you have more of a streamlined form of writing. What this means is that you should be able to incorporate techniques and methods that will help you create more substance in your writing within shorter texts. While this may be tricky, doing things such as omitting irrelevant details and repetitive (synonymous) terminologies can go a long way in the process.

I personally find that your writing already has hold of that content-based depth that I am usually looking for when I am reading other peoples' works. However, I would still recommend that you should have more organization when it comes to writing. For instance, in your third paragraph, while your sentences were able to detail out these training programs, it was quite cluttered when it came to tying everything altogether. This can be resolved through merging together the conclusive remarks you made about these separate trainings - or you may also try to resolve things through adding more terminologies in your concluding remarks.

That being said, let me revise a few parts of the text for you.

... the advancements of a country undoubtedly. ... technology are witnessed everywhere. ... to pay more and more attention ... Hence, ... are obviously necessary and worthy for the country and also the entire world.

Just try to focus more on words that you actually need. Do not prolong sentences longer than they need to be.

Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / It is better for college students to live far away from home than live at home with their parents. [3]

@hunghoiham1999
Hi there!

I'll do my best to help you with your essay.

First and foremost, as I always tell students on the forum, straightforward goes a long way when you are writing. Being able to express your thoughts into smaller chunks will save you a lot of effort, considering that it will also enable you to think more thoroughly about the content of your essay. Doing this will help you sharpen your writing in the long-run.

More than that, evade using descriptions that do not serve you well. This can be an extensive list. Generally speaking, including words that are not academically appropriate or do not add depth to your discussion is part of this process. If you can eliminate these words, you will go a long way when it comes to writing. That being said, this does not mean ultimately omitting all of the adjectives; it just means being more strategic with what words you wish to incorporate.

Remember depth and clarity are characteristics that would go above simply prolonging your text for the sake of fulfilling a word count.

With these in mind, let's revise a few portions of your text.

... with parents does wonders is beneficial for students at the time ... extent. Firstly, those who ... on their students can focus on studying study more easily without being concerned about day to day living concerning too ... life. This is because they can seek for help ... with such things like household chores orand errands shopping, which can savesaving their overall time to spend more on studying.

... different, which can ... addictive. wasting their time with harmful activities.

I hope this has somehow helped you. Don't be afraid to reach out. Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Cars made in Argentia / Australia / Thailand - writing task [3]

@Nhanpham147
Hi there!

Writing tasks challenge you to compress your thoughts into smaller chunks of text. I suggest being more strategic when it comes to which information you wish to incorporate into your text. Omit unnecessary and irrelevant words to have more space for fruitful discussions.

That being said, next time, I would opt that you try to divide your discussion into two portions. Firstly, you can start off with a descriptive text on what you can observe or discern from the texts that you have. Secondly, you can begin to elaborate on a more critical analysis viewpoint of the essay. Having two distinctive portions would help you sharpen your writing for more long-form content.

Replace repetitions with synonymous terminologies. This would help you saturate your text with a good amount of complexity, ensuring that you are able to grasp the fundamentals of the language before proceeding to polishing the technical side of your writing.

With that being said, I can propose the following revisions for a portion of the text:

It is clear that Thailand, ... the period shown. While ... production Among the three countries mentioned, only Australia experienced a decrease in automobile production.

Best of luck in your writing.

Research Papers / Research paper on the use of CBD oil to treat mental illness in children [2]

@cmurphy1182
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. First and foremost, I think it is great that you are self-aware and that you acknowledge your weaknesses. This will help you enhance your writing through a more sustainable capacity of recognizing that you have lapses in your writing. Having said that, let me help you with your essay to the best of my abilities.

Be cautious of your usage of punctuation and preposition. These two functions in writing are commonly misused - therefore, it should not utterly baffle you. Instead, what I suggest is that you try to refer back always to your writing reference books to look up on the conventions of writing in these standards. Doing this will give you leverage in writing. Once you have tackled these simple remarks, you'll be able to work on other aspects of writing that are technically more complex. Keep these in mind at all costs.

When you're story-telling, be consistent with the forms of the verbs/words that you have. Doing this will make your writing more professional, elevating the overall tone that you have. If you can maintain this, it would help you acquire more technical skills that are necessary in the long-run.

Most of these comments can be better explained through a thorough examination of the essay; I'll provide you with a few revisions in your essay to showcase properly the points I'm trying to mention.

As a father of four, when each of my daughters were born, the first thing I did was count their ten fingers and ten toes. I always breathed a sigh of relief once doctors relayed that our daughters passed each of herthe newborn tests. In my mind, this meant they were perfect, -and nothing ... I never even contemplated that ... birth cannot be ... to comewill not emerge until years later. I always noticed my oldest daughter, Ruby, would ... I chopped it up ... leaving assumed it was due to hormonal fluctuations from the adolescence period and the fact that their birth mother had left them behind. ... and suicidal, it led to an in-patient stay ...

... had suspected: my oldest... ago, has bipolar disorder.

I hope this somehow helped. Best of luck in your writing.

Writing Feedback / "throw-away" society. Causes and effects? [3]

@suong1510
Hi there!

First and foremost, I can observe that your essay is quite substantive; this is great. What I would recommend is that you try to incorporate more writing techniques that will elevate the tone that you use. As of the moment, it is observable how you use a more relaxed tone as opposed to an academic one. The difference between the former and the latter is that the structure of the delivery of the message. Compliance with the conventions of writing is also included in line with these comments.

Additionally, try to optimize the space you have in your essay. If you have noticed, most of my comments in the forum would emphasize on the idea of omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words. Doing this accomplishes a lot, especially when you're working within word counts. If you can remove words that you do not need (fillers/repetitive lines), you will have more space to accommodate to have more depth in your essay in the long-run. Taking a look at the content that you have, I highly suggest that you implement these procedures. A straightforward approach to writing will take you a long way - remember this at all costs.

That being said, there are numerous ways for you to approach the idea of creating more strategic structures to use in your essay. For one, you can make sure that you focus solely on content that actually needs to laid out. Another could be using terminologies that could compress your complex thoughts into smaller chunks of text.

Let me give you an example through revising a portion of your essay here.

Perhaps tThe first culprit of this is advertising. To explain, the constant presence of advertsadvertisements in everywhere has always been prompting prompted vulnerable watchers bystanders to make more purchases more.

... eye-catching ads, with hope ... functional. Secondly, it is the manufacturers who are to blame. In fact, pProducing non-durable ...
... often have shorter lifespans. and would ... ones.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Water consumption statistics across the globe [2]

@nhant
Hi there!

It would be beneficial and helpful if you could provide the pie chart (any figure/data included) next time you approach the forum in order to help you fully assess the writing that you have. With that being said, I'll do my best to help you.

When you are writing technical compositions, ensure that you are always straightforward. Because there's a lot of numbers involved, it would be better if you could provide a more comprehensive outlook through being clear with your words. Be cautious of the way that you connect your terminologies altogether as there are often more appropriate ways to compose. When you're transitioning between thoughts, it would also be helpful if you can use more organic or natural techniques. Doing all of these altogether will help you optimize your writing.

Best of luck in your writing.

Graduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR LSHTM - PUBLIC HEALTH - LSHTM [3]

@jhara121
Hi there!

I see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum.

Taking an initial look in your essay, I find that it is well-written and composed with care. I applaud you for that. I recommend still that you optimize your essay. Doing this will create more substance within shorter word counts. Precision, mastery of techniques to compress your thoughts, and a straightforward writing approach are all helpful facets to consider when you are writing. It would as well be beneficial if you can omit parts of your text that are unnecessary or irrelevant to the core principles that you stand on.

That being said, I highly recommend trying to be more specific with the specifications of your objectives. While you had written a generalized map of your career and how the program fits into your long-term goals, I still recommend that you try to create more distinctions in what these truly mean. For instance, it is insufficient for you to mention that you want to be use learned principles on the structure and function of the health systems into supply chain management.

Be more specific. In what context does this fall into? In what situations do you see yourself taking these into account? What types of researches are lacking in the field? How do you plan to fill in these gaps of knowledge?

Best of luck in your application as always.

Writing Feedback / Question 26: Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. A learn for kids? [2]

@tunghs15217
Hello!

I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome! Let me help you with your essay.

First and foremost, I have observed that you have issues when it comes to the forms of your words. Make sure that you abide by conventional writing practices. Doing this will let you maximize your essay's potential because you'll have more space for interpretative expressions. Depth will be better attained through this as well.

That being said, I suggest that you look into the transition between your thoughts/phrases/sentences. It is noticeable how you use these cookie cutter statements instead of relying on more organic transitions. While these generalized transitions may be beneficial for you as they let you have more organized thoughts, I'd say that using more formal language can help you have more hold over the essay's overall outlook.

In that context, please do use appropriate terminologies that are in line with academic essays. Doing this would help you elevate your writing style.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay as a brief illustration of what these mean.

On the one hand, the way we teach children about criminal activities is uneventful. The traditional approach, of having teachers who citingcite laws is extremelysolely theoretical and uninteresting. Therefore, sStudents will find it no interest in following to these classes. Having police officers sharingshare about crime experiences is outdated and it just ... the story. As a result, it is clear that hHaving a ex-previously detained criminals to share their own stories and how they turned to bebecame good citizens would definitelybe a valuable experience for toddlers.

Try utilizing a different example at the very end instead of the one you have now. If you can retell a personal story of a policy like this in real life, it would be preferred than including a blanket statement that does not lead to anything much. Avoid these generalized examples as they do not add depth to your essay. Substantiation is the key.

I hope I helped. Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Inconsiderate gaming and kids [4]

@greynd
Hi there!

I'll do my best to help you with your essay.

First and foremost, you would find it beneficial if you can omit unnecessary and irrelevant words in your text. Doing this will sharpen your content, creating more optimal sentences. Once you have polished this, you will have more space to tackle essential parts of your essay. Remember that depth cannot be attained if you cannot expound your content.

Secondly, consistency is important when you are writing. Make sure that the forms of the words you are using are all aligned with one another. This will help you create a more formal language in your essay.

Thirdly, be cautious of the way you transition between your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to create baffling and inorganic (unnatural) transitions. These do not assist your essay in the long-run. You need to establish a more firm boundary.

With these things in mind, let's revise a few parts of your essay to give you a clearer picture of what I mean by these comments.

Game designers are striving strive to keep their players longer online; for longer and parents appear...
... great visuals, a fascinating storylines, and a reward systems, which makescausing playing games to be more appealing than playing sports. Specifically, gGamers can ... going out and draining their bodies. ... give their offspring children ...

I hope this has helped somehow. Best of luck in your writing!