Writing Feedback / Music being benifical to bring people of other cultures and generation together [4]

Your prompt paraphrase is too short and does properly reflect the indicated discussion topic, reasons, and question from the original prompt. You cannot just take the topic sentence and then give a response to the stated question. Although you properly responded to the question, you did not indicate the reasons that this discussion is important based on the reasons given in the original presentation. Therefore, you will lose points for creating an incomplete prompt paragraph. You need to have at least 3 sentences for that section.

Regardless of the error in the discussion paraphrase, there is no way that this essay will get a passing score. You see, there is 250 word minimum requirement for the task 2 essay. You only wrote 162 words. Deductions in the TA section will be made based on the error in formatting and missing word count. When the total number of errors in this essay are totaled, you will not be anywhere near a 5 band score.

Writing Feedback / A few languages are increasingly spoken in different countries, while the usage of others is rapidly [3]

Oh boy... You did not use a timer when you wrote this essay did you? There is absolutely no way you could have written 434 words in 40 minutes. The target word count is just between 275-290 words. You overdid it. Mostly because you lost track of time. Next time, use a timer. It is the best way to judge how well you can write a response within the given time frame.

Your introduction was supposed to be a prompt paraphrase or a representation of the original discussion topic and instructions in your own words. I have reviewed the original prompt and the information you provide in your presentation is nowhere to be found. It is almost as if you intentionally decided to change the prompt parameters. That is why you wrote too many words. You did not follow the discussion topic even though you properly responded to the discussion question. By the way, you should not have presented your opinion as a part of your response. You were only supposed to provide a direct response. The opinion discussion always follows in the body of paragraphs.

Do not overwrite in your paragraphs. Just keep it between the required 3-5 sentences. You have to learn to write less but have more meaning in your words. That is done through a proper mix of complex and simple sentences. Your essay really needs to focus on its clarity and coherence in this instance. Focus on the meaning of the words, give direct opinions. Wordy essays like this one just wastes time and space. The examiner expects direct explanations, reasons, and responses within your paragraphs. Try to learn to write connected sentence thoughts, use conjunctions in the proper manner.

Remember, the word is "cannot", not "can not". The latter implies that you can but fail to do so, which makes the word presentation really unclear to the reader. This is a common word choice error. The term "operate" connotes the current function or work of a verb. "Operated" is the past tense word. The same goes for "lost" = "loss".

Never write a single sentence concluding presentation. You always have to present the reverse paraphrase in 3-5 sentences. That is the standard format for that section. Summarize the:

- Original prompt
- Discussion topic
- Your response and reasons
- Closing sentence

You have a long way to go in terms of achieving a passing score for your Task 2 essay. This essay should only be a start, this should not be the way that you write succeeding essays. Make changes to your writing style as indicated above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Countries are becoming more and more similar because... [4]

The question is not about the risk of globalization. The discussion should have been focused on whether you believe this is a positive or negative development. You did not respond properly to the question. You will have points deducted in the TA section because of that mistake. You changed the discussion so, the response will be deemed to have a response unrelated to the task. Additionally, this is not a comparison essay. This is a "take a stand and defend your position" essay. So your discussion format is also incorrect. More points shall be taken away from your final score due to the wrong response formatting. Basically, you did not respond to the question at all. So you cannot achieve a 5 band score for this essay. The most you will receive is a 1. All because you failed to represent the proper response to the question: Do you think this is a positive or negative development? You were expected to choose one of the two responses and discussed the reasons behind that opinion in the essay. Again, this was never a compare and contrast essay. It was a direct opinion response essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in New Zealand, from 1901 to the prediction for 2101. [3]

When you present a conjunction as in "However, it increased dramatically and it..." you need to place a comma after the word "dramatically" to indicate that sentences, clauses, phrases, or words are connected in the sentence. The proper use of a conjunction is important in the presentation of a complex sentence which also increases your coherence and cohesiveness, along with the GRA score when presenting a series of short sentences.

However, you should be careful about haphazardly using commas in the sentence presentations. You have more commas than periods in this presentation, which, when overused, creates run-on sentences. Always use a period to signify the end of a sentence. Make sure to use conjunctions properly, based on its indicated usage as either a coordinating, subordinating, correlative, and conjunctive adverb. Use medium length sentences whenever possible. 3-5 sentences per paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 Test 5 Cam 14 : Sharing information freely is the good ways ??? [3]

This is a triple point of view essay. The reasoning paragraphs need to be composed of 2 public discussion paragraphs, respective of discussion points, and one point of view from a personal perspective. Your essay solely focuses on the personal perspective, which means the TA score will be around 4 because of the tangential response. You are focusing the discussion only on your personal point of view, which is not the instruction of the essay. The essay asks you to present the two points of view first, then base your opinion paragraph on a consideration of both reasons, with the final sentence of that paragraph stating your personal opinion.

It is funny how you were not able to relate the Covid-19 to this discussion considering it is a very timely topic. Considering that there is a discussion regarding how China handled the situation and how their lack of sharing information caused a pandemic, you could have used that current event to raise the Cohesiveness and coherence score of this essay, in addition to the TA consideration.

Grammar problems for this essay include, but are not limited to noun phrase usage mistakes, word choice errors (this causes = these causes (plural form), you can't say "can not" That means you are able to but not able to. That does not make sense.), and several spelling errors (commercal = commercial, politctic = politics, thes=these).

Like I said in the first part of this review, the personal opinion is not part of the conclusion. The conclusion can never be a continuing discussion for the topic. It is always used to summarize the discussion points towards a conclusion that indicates the end of the presentation. Your essay failed to do that. So, based on the improper presentation, plus grammatical errors, of which there are several, the possible score for this essay would range from a 3.5 - 4.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 of IELTS: UK TELEPHONE CALLS - the total number of minutes by three categories [3]

You have written just enough words to meet the over the minimum word requirement for this task. That is not enough. You have to write at least 175 words for this part of the test so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential. You are scored on 4 aspects in this test, so make sure that you write enough words for the examiner to get a better idea of your intermediate or advanced writing style. Make sure you are scored on the intermediate to advanced English learner level. The number of words you wrote will only qualify you for the highest score based on the beginner level.

The summary overview should have at least 3 sentences covering:
- Type of graph
-Topic for measurement
- Subjects of measurement
-Type of measurement
- Trending sentence

In this essay, you only provided the type of graph and topic for measurement, the rest of the information is missing. You will be scored down in the TA section because of this. Your paragraphs do not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement. It would be better for you to aim for 3-5 sentence per paragraph so that you can easily meet the maximum scoring consideration for your essay on all 4 scoring counts.

Your information is complete and clear. However, you are only delivering the memorized information from the graph. There is no developed discussion in your presentation format. If you want to learn how to better approach this essay, listen to the business news reports on TV or the radio. Those reports are verbal versions of the Task 1 essay so you should be able to pick up presentation pointers from them for use in your own reporting essay. Remember, those radio reports come from written information, which was completed by other people for the reader. That is the whole point of the Task 1 essay.

Scholarship / Study plan for applying Master's program in Logistics and Management. [3]

I am not sure if there was a specific prompt that you had to respond to for this topic but, this is not a normal study plan presentation. Why are you introducing yourself and explaining why you chose the university in the study plan? It appears that there are missing instructions for this essay. Either that or, you used the wrong title for your presentation. A study plan normally shows one of two things:

- How do you plan to spend your time as a student at the university during non-school hours
- What type of master thesis you plan to complete and what possible research will be involved in the process. This would be presented in thesis proposal form.

What you presented above, in the first presentation does not represent a study plan. It represents a personal statement. So, based on the two choices I offer you here, you should find yourself choosing which of the two are more applicable to the prompt requirement. Then write a complete essay based on that choice, which we can review here once you have completed the paper. As of now, I cannot review a non-existent study plan.

Writing Feedback / My way of learning English [3]

The space bar is your friend when typing. Remember to use it after a period in a sentence so that the next word presentation can be properly pronounced by the reader. When you fail to put a space between words of punctuation marks, it creates a difficulty in reading your text. Do not forget that you have to use use an adverb instead of an adjective when saying "listening good (well)". Also, myself is one word, not 2. The indefinite article "an" should be used in reference to your attending English class (I attend AN English class.) People also often confuse the words other and another in reference to skills. The correct sentence presentation is "I learn OTHER skills too.". In the noun phrase "There are a lot tricks", you should insert "of" between "lot" and "tricks".

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 Test 5 Cam 14 : Doing Regular Physical Activity between Men and Women in Australia [3]

There should be a comparative trending statement as a part of the summary overview presentation. That way, the explanation regarding the trend of male and female users are clearly presented to the reader. Your trending statement does not really stand out in this essay because you merged it with the discussion paragraphs. The trending statements are usually presented at the end of the summary, or as a stand alone sentence because the examiner needs to see how the trend relates to the given images. You did not really achieve that purpose in your current presentation.

Don't forget to hyphenate the age references in your essay whenever possible. You should also indicate "vary consistently", not "are vary consistently". In relation to that, you wrote 219 words. A number of words that you cannot achieve in writing within the 20 minutes allotted for this task, Please use a timer next time so that you can get a better idea of how many words you can actually write within the given time frame. Aim to write no less that 175 words, no more than 190 words so that you will have editing and revision minutes to spare before moving on to the Task 2 essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 #Antarctic ozone hole and damaging gases [6]

The summary overview is incorrectly written. Each image, though related to each other in content, is presented using different data representations. Therefore, each graph should have been presented in individual descriptive sentences. An example of this is:

2 related line graphs were presented for analysis. The first graph, measured the size of the Antarctic hole and was measured in square kilometers. The second graph presented, measured the production of damaging gases in the thousands of metric tons. The gases measured were Freon, NO2 , and H2O2. Both images represented a study from 1980-2000. The trend for the antarctic hole graph is... While the measured gases were inclined to represent...

It would be good for you to start the practice of at least 3 sentences per paragraph as required by the GRA scoring. Do not overuse the Oxford comma in your presentations. Instead,use a variety of punctuation marks such as a semicolon, colon, percent sign, etc. That way you can show an ability to properly use punctuation marks in relation to grammar range and accuracy, as well as cohesive and coherent paragraph presentations.

Based on these observations, it is possible that the highest score you can receive will be within the 4-4.5 bracket.

Scholarship / Enterprise Resource Planning manager - solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform [2]

The main problem with the situation you posed in this essay is that it is too common a problem among offices. The problem of submitting reports on time are usually referred to by most applicants. So this is one topic that the reviewer is already tired of reading about. There is no real challenge to overcome anymore in relation to this presentation. You may want to consider a more serious problem that, although backroom related, can be considered a more serious and uncommon problem that office leaders have to deal with. The presentation is not interesting enough. There is not enough problem solving presented to make this a situation worthy of note to the reviewer. I will leave you with two choices for your essay : (1) Try to add information to this presentation that will make it more interesting and memorable to the reviewer or (2) change the total essay. Use a more interesting situation that could highlight your advanced problem solving skills instead.

Scholarship / Security Management - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution [2]

Change your approach to this essay. You need to be more descriptive regarding the reason why you chose your proposed course. Try to focus on explaining specific problems that you encountered on the job. These encounters, which appeared to be unsolvable to you, but solvable to others on your team, should be the driving force for your additional education requirements. Deem yourself proficient, but in need of advanced training. Once you have accomplished that, your course choice almost becomes self - explanatory.

Do not use terms of uncertainty such as "I think" in these essays. You have to be certain in your discussion presentations because you need to convince the reviewer that you have considered all aspects of your educational needs, in relation to the course subject offerings and training program. Remember, uncertainty means you are not sure of your reasons with regards to your university choice. Use words that connote the conviction of your choice instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Both views: fixed punishment for crime or case by case consideration [6]

Do not exaggerate the topic presentation in the paraphrase. You will lose points for not using proper translation terms for the keywords in the essay. In this case, the keyword was "Discussion". So the alternative words that could have been used are talks, opinions, conversation, dialogue, and discourse. Never use inflammatory descriptions in an essay response. The examiner will see the words and know that you are trying to impress him with vocabulary usage. However, instead of scoring up in the LR section, you will score down because you will be using a word that does not apply to the original keyword presentation. In the second paragraph, don't say "argue". A better replacement word would be "offer reasons" or "explain that". Again, no inflammatory word usage. It does not help the essay move upward in the scoring scale.

You did not appropriately deliver the restatement of the paragraph. Instead, you offered a question that does not relate to the original prompt. This is considered an alteration of the original prompt. Such an alteration, which became the focus of your response, will lead to a lower TA score as you show that you did not understand how the discussion topic is to be approached.

The TA section is a highly important part of the scoring. This is where your English comprehension skills are scored via your ability to explain a certain discussion using your own words, while still keeping the essence of the original presentation. Your essay failed to do this and as such, will receive a score that reflects your inability to properly restate a prompt. By posing a question instead of simply restating the facts, you have endangered more than half your total score.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that employers should not care about the way their employees dress [7]

Why are you offering a personal opinion without a measure of dis/agreement throughout an extent essay? This type of question requires you to pick one side of the discussion to respond to and discuss within 2 reasoning paragraphs, for a total of 4 essay paragraphs. There needs to an emotional response in the prompt paraphrase / introduction that will allow the reviewer to understand the degree of defense that you can give for this topic. Based on your opinion explanation in response to the question, it appears that you could have first indicated "I have a strong support for the discussion that..." in response to the question.

Now, since this essay asks you to pick one side, you must not do a comparative discussion in it. The only 2 paragraphs you write must offer 2 reasons for supporting your stance. This is not an essay that asked you to compare the two public opinions before offering your point of view. Therefore, you will lose TA points for the improper formatting of your response. The rest of the essay will be scored on the remaining brackets accordingly.

Try not to use terms that could mislead the reader. When you say "There are several reasons", and you discuss only one reason in the paragraph, that creates confusion for the reader and will affect the C&C score. It is best to use such terms within your response to the prompt statement. That way your reasons will be presented in separate paragraphs, which will then offer "several reasons" for the reader to better understand.

Writing Feedback / Responsibilities of businesses besides making money [5]

The question is based on agree or disagree, why are you arguing? Examiners hate it when the exam taker uses exaggerated language in the essay. It tells them that you understood the essay question but, you are trying to impress them with your knowledge of English words. Just provide a straightforward response to the question being asked. So, do you agree or disagree? The response is as simple as "I agree that businesses should consider their social responsibilities because of a few factors." You don't have to argue, all these essays are mere "discussions". Do not use exaggerated words. It is not required and is instead, frowned upon.

Never start a sentence with "because". The word "because" is a connecting word. It is used to connect 2 related discussions in one sentence. It is never used to start a sentence because there is no topic previous to it since there is a period preceding it. The period indicates the end, instead of a continuation of the sentence. As such, there is no previous topic to connect to the last discussion presentation in the sentence.

Now, for this type of essay, you should not be doing a comparison discussion. It must be a single discussion that defends your stand on the matter. The essay does not ask you to "compare both ideas and give an opinion" so do not compare the ideas. Just stick to your personal opinion of the given topic and use first person pronouns throughout the essay to show that you are discussing things from a personal perspective.

The conclusion could have been better. It could have been longer if you had properly summarized your reasoning paragraphs aside from just the portions you wanted to present as a concluding fact.

Writing Feedback / THE MAIN CONCERN IS REDUCTION OF SPECIES OR OTHER ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEMS? [3]

It is highly possible that your essay would only get a 4 maximum scoring bracket. There are several reasons for this possible score:

- The prompt paraphrase is incomplete as it does not represent the two points of view in the paraphrase.
- An opinion was provided for the discussion in the prompt paraphrase when no comparison of the points of view were done yet.
- The reasoning paragraphs only cover one public point of view and a persona point of view. The second point of view was not discussed in a separate paragraph as required by the prompt instructions.

- The conclusion is not a reasoning summary. Instead it offers a continuing discussion of reasons within the essay. This is an open ended essay.

When the spelling and grammar issues are considered along with the TA errors, it appears that there cannot be a higher score than 4 for this type of presentation.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1_CAMBRIDGE 12: FAST FOOD - statistics in the USA [3]

While the task 1 essay is too short at the moment, I can understand that this is your first time writing the essay. Therefore, you do not feel confident in writing more than the prescribed number of words yet. I do however, feel that you should slowly increase the word count in your essay over a period of time. That is because without increasing your word count, the essay will fail to increase your scoring possibilities. It is always better to write more, but not too many words in the essay. Try to explain yourself better. In this presentation, you are limiting your presentation to only what is direct. You need to look at the other aspects of your writing skills as well and try to increase your explanation to help you get a better C&C and GRA score.

By the way, you have a problem with your use of common words in the essay. You should have said "other groups", which is the commonly used phrase. A reference to "others groups" is a descriptive word mistake in reference to the plural form of a word (other - others).

Always complete your summary overview. You did not mention the types of comparison measurements used (frequency of eating out days), type of measurement used. You should have at least 3 comparison sentences per paragraph. That is why your essay feels too short and less informative than it should be. You did not focus on the comparison discussion as the prompt indicated. Hopefully, you will be able to do a better job in the next essay.

Not that you did a bad job with this essay. This essay is good enough, but could be better. You just need to gain the confidence to represent your discussion in an extended format when you can. That will help your essay inform the reader better.

Writing Feedback / UNIVERSITY EDUCATION SHOULD BE FREE TO EVERYONE, REGARDLESS OF INCOME. [4]

There was an incomplete response to the prompt discussion question. Since this is a measured response essay, it is imperative that you address the question with a degree of agreement or disagreement. Terms such as strongly, completely, wholly, fully, are a few of the terms that you can use to connote your measured response. You cannot say you equally support the statements because the essay clearly asks you to defend one side over the other in your reasoning paragraphs.

Now, your reasoning is sound and obviously based on personal considerations of the aforementioned topics. While the grammar is not perfect, you managed to make yourself understood throughout the essay. I would like to warn you about your spelling though. Remember that you are taking a test that uses UK English. As such, you should make an effort to learn how to spell the words in the UK manner, rather than the US manner. You will score more LR points for spelling in the correct form of English for the test.

You had a disagreement within the noun phrase "given to every students". Since every connotes a singular form of the word, then the subject should be in the singular reference as well. Hence "given to every student.".

Based on these observations, I believe that you could get the following score, per section:

TA - 5 due to the improper prompt response
C&C - 6 because of the problem with your use of cohesive devices
LR - 6 Vocabulary is adequate for the task
GRA - 6. Your sentence formation is proper enough to not confuse the reader of make your references difficult to understand.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC: Fewer and fewer people want to become teachers in many countries [3]

Wow! You only have 40 minutes to write this topic. There is no way you can write over 400 words within 40 minutes. The most you can write is 275-290 words. I believe you did not use a timer when you wrote this essay. You just kept on writing because you heard that writing more will result in a higher score. Nope. Writing just a moderate length paper, focused on quality instead of word count, is what scores best in these tests.

Your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate. The original prompt is:

These days, in many countries, fewer and fewer people want to become teachers, particularly in secondary schools. What are the reasons for this, and how could the problem be solved?

The paraphrase is:

There are less educators on a global than previously counted. The biggest reduction in faculty member count can be seen in high schools. There are two reasons that I believe contributes to this problem. I hope to be able to shed light on this problem and offer solutions through this writing.

Now. the problem with this essay is the length. Your reasoning is good, but over discussed. Try to keep your essay paragraphs limited to 5 sentences at the most, but no less than 3 sentences. Learn to say more using less words. That is what cohesiveness and coherence is all about. The more direct your response, the less grammar mistakes you will make. The more you write, the bigger your chance of creating grammatical errors. By the way, ellipses (...) are not used in formal academic writing so don't start to practice using that punctuation mark in these practice tests. These are formal academic writing tasks.

Writing Feedback / Crime level - IELTS Writing Task 2 - assessment! [3]

The main problem with this essay is that you are citing figures gained from possible research instead of personal experience and knowledge. You should be citing examples from your life experiences and common knolwedge as to what causes crime and how to stop it. Information about the UK government and Australian gun ban, with specific dates and percentages show that you used research to complete the task. That is in violation of the discussion instruction which is for you to use personal knowledge and experience. The information is too detailed to have come from personal experience or everyday knowledge. That is going to pull down your test score.

Also, since you will be writing this exam at the testing center, there will not be any internet connected computer available for you to use. Hence, the need for you to get used to writing without the use of external research. Use only information that you know. If I were you, I would start brushing up on my current events knowledge this early. This will prepare you for any possible current events question that might arise from the test questions.

By the way, the opening paraphrase and concluding summary paraphrase is not exempted from the minimum 3, maximum 5 sentence per paragraph requirement. You have to properly divide the sentence presentations in those sections so that you can get an opportunity to raise your overall score.

Writing Feedback / History or Science is more important - What is an essential subject in school?IELTS [2]

Ordinary users are not allowed to score essays. Only contributors can score essays. Always direct your request for a score to a contributor. Any student who scores an essay will be suspended without warning.

The original prompt is:

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like science and technology are more important than history.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

I am afraid that this essay will score a 4. The specific reason as to why this is the score this essay will receive is this, you did not respond to the task criteria at all in the TA section. Since the TA section is 50% of the total score, improperly responding to the prompt question will result in an total failing score. You are being asked to Discuss both views and give an opinion.

For me, both subjects are necessary for students so i will illustrate two pros each major.

Your response clearly shows that you did not understand the instructions nor the question being asked. You created your own discussion topic which is totally unrelated to the original presentation. Hence the TA failing score, which will lead to an overall failing score on your part due to spelling, grammar and conciseness issues in your presentation.You need to have shown reasons for the public support for each side before you gave a personal opinion. You should not have given it at the onset of writing within the paraphrased paragraph.

Now, I am not going to review the other problem points of your essay because that would be pointless. The essay has already failed. Instead, I will ask you to write a new essay based on a new topic. This time, make sure you follow the discussion requirements for the essay. Address the prompt question and directions properly. Make sure you are doing it properly before you post it here. Otherwise, you might receive another failing score.

I strongly urge you to review the sample essays at this forum. The questions for the Task 2 practice tests are always the same. Only the approach to the response changes. So you can learn from the mistakes of others here and apply the suggested corrections to their work on your own work.

Writing Feedback / Somes go to university for a better job. Somes take a job after school. Discuss advantages [4]

Since you did not post the full prompt, I cannot properly review your essay. The topic you chose to write about seems to be a mix of 2 different IELTS prompts so I would need to read the actual prompt to be sure about how I should analyze the content and presentation of your essay. So I'll focus on the format instead.

There is a 5 sentence limitation for all the paragraphs. You must also make sure to present a proper mix of simple and complex sentences in your paragraphs. It appears that you have mistaken run-on sentences for complex sentences. Long sentences do not mean it is a complex sentence. However, it does mean that it is a confusing sentence to read as it becomes difficult to keep track of your discussion topics and presentation. Avoid overwriting, but do not underwrite either.

The concluding paragraph is not presented in the reverse paraphrase format. It is also too short. You need to familiarize yourself with the proper rephrasing requirements for those 2 sections. You can read examples of how to properly format those paragraphs at this forum through the reading of previous sample works.

Writing Feedback / Why many prisoners commit crimes as soon as they released? - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

I find no problems with your reasoning paragraphs. The reasons are sound, well represented and the examples, relevant. Those paragraphs are coherent and cohesive. Even with some slight grammar problems, the message of the paragraph remains clear and on point. However, there are some vocabulary issues with the presentation such as the use of the word negligence in reference to the efforts of criminals to reform. You should have simply said underappreciated. It is more fitting for the sentence. Rather than negligence, ignored would have been a better term since their efforts will not be noticed even if the public sees it. Negligence is used more in reference to "a failure to exercise appropriate and or ethical ruled care expected to be exercised amongst specified circumstances. "

The opening and closing paragraphs are the ones that need work in this essay. The opening paragraph is too long. It resulted in run-on sentences, which would affect the GRA score in reference to punctuation marks. The conclusion also suffers from the same problem. There is a minimum 3 sentence presentation for every paragraph. Try to stick to it. It helps with the overall increase of your score and would boost the C&C section of your scoring as well because you will have properly restated the information from the prompt and body of paragraphs both times.

Writing Feedback / My essay is about why Western people should change their eating habit [3]

It is difficult to review this essay because, while I know it is for an English exam, I am not sure if you are doing it for TOEFL or IELTS. I would have had a clue as to the type of test if you included the prompt with your post. Since there is no prompt and no test identifier, I can only give you a general grammar review for your essay. Here it goes.

Avoid redundancies in your presentation. When you say " from my point of view", there is no need to end the sentence with "from my viewpoint". That is already clear to the reviewer from the first few words you used in the sentence.

Use a specific time frame reference. Do not mix past and present references in a paragraph. It confuses the reader and makes your meaning difficult to keep track of and understand.

You made excellent use of personal knowledge and familiar examples in this essay. It shows that you understood that the strength of the essay lies in how well you understood the discussion topic, instructions, and its applicability to your personal life.

Good work as far as I can tell. I hope you can provide the prompt next time so I can give a more detailed review of your presentation.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Financial Mathematics master [3]

The part where you mention the professors isn't as strong as it should be. Try to be more specific about what impresses you with regards to these professors. Make sure you clearly tell the reviewer that these professors are the main reason you wish to study at the university. That would make a definite impact and, if explained in relation to learning from them with regards to your career goals, then the impression you will be making is strong. By the way, since this is a personal statement, you should include some non-academic references also. This could be in relation to how you plan to spend your time pursing your other interests at the university when you are not in class. That way you truly present yourself as a well rounded individual to the reviewer.

Graduate / Personal Statement to University of Limerick, Ireland [3]

The academic background in your presentation should not be this detailed. It should only focus on your academic time covering your business / marketing studies. The reviewer will not be interested in anything previous to that. Discuss your academic accomplishments in that particular area and any relevant internships you might have because those are all part of your academic background that proves your ability to learn in this field.

Don't discuss a career ambition without discussing a career background first. Deliver insights as to how you perform as a professional. Describe how you have continuing education within the workplace and why these training and seminars you have professionally attended are important to you. Only after you show the reviewer that you have a keen interest in further developing your career can you discuss any ambitions you may have for your future. Always lay out the foundation / background first.

Relate your choice of university not to the research available specifics like the rank and why other students say it is a good choice. The reviewers don't get easily impressed so using more personal specific information for your choice is the better way to go. By personal specific, I mean, use your career goals as the basis for your university choice. Why does the university specifically address your educational goals? How do you see yourself progressing as a student there because of the varied program offerings? Why do you think your time will be well spent as a student there?

If you revise the paper to be a bit more specific and interesting in content, the reviewer might consider your application on a larger scale.

Letters / Letter of Intent to Science Research Specialist [2]

Build your qualifications based on your research. Since you are published, then you have something the offer the office that other candidates might not be able to. Impress them with your research and discoveries. Make sure that you highlight how these research information can be of use to the department. Since you currently have a well paying job, you should explain why you would like to move from the private to public sector. What is your motivation for this career change? How do you see yourself contributing to the betterment of the department? These are some of the information that should help to create a better preliminary interview letter for your application. It is all about discussing your skills in relation to the position you are applying for.

Writing Feedback / The population of some nations witness a larger proportion of the youngster vs senior citizens [2]

This essay is guilty of over discussion without regard for the time allotment of the test. You wrote 319 words. You are well over the minimum required words, but your essay did not achieve its fullest potential just the same. You see, a long essay will never guarantee a passing score. That is because long essays, such as the one that you wrote, usually suffers from a lack of clarity int he discussion. The lack of clarity comes from the desperate intention of the exam taker to impress the examiner by the amount of English words that he knows, instead of the clarity of his ability to express himself in English. Your paragraphs need to be understandable and also, focused on a given discussion top[c. Your presentation does not qualify as fully developed, nor coherent, nor cohesive because of the lack of focus on content and unfair focus on the word count.

Read your presentations. You have 2 topics per, that means, you used 3 sentences to fully explain the first topic, then introduced the second topic in the 4th sentence, followed by an under developed explanation for the 5th sentence. The 4th sentence should instead be an additional explanation in support of the first topic. The 5th sentence should be used as a transition or introduction to the upcoming paragraph topic. That is how you present clear and coherent essays.

Letters / Letter of complaint for the lost luggage in the airport [3]

Be careful with the way you spell. You did not properly capitalize the name of the laptop, MacBook. You wrote it as macbook, which shows that you are not familiar with the rules of proper noun usage. You will lose points for that. Additional points will be lost for your GRA mistake in the formation of the following sentence:

I am looking forward to hear your rely soon. (I am looking forward to hearing your reply soon.)

Writing a series of related words requires the use of the Oxford comma as this allows the reader to take pause while reading. It helps to create better cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Most students forget about that importance so I feel that it is my duty to remind you about that.

Writing Feedback / The data of an average Australian household electricity use and heat-trapping coal emissions CHARTS [2]

Sorry Amy, I refuse to review your essay. It would be unfair of me to tell you what you did wrong in writing and how to correct it. I just cannot bring myself to do it because you only wrote 143 out of 150 words. The essay will receive severe points deductions for the lacking words. Then, the examiner will consider the other mistakes in your writing and apply another set of deductions for every grading rubic. By the end of his assessment, you will not have passed the test with the remaining scores that he decided to give you for every scoring consideration. You have to write at least 150 words or risk failing the test. I'll give you another chance. Write a new Task 1 topic essay and post it here. It is only fair that we review your work based on a more accurate representation of your writing skills, based on the minimum word count. I know you can do it. You showed some of those abilities in the essay. You have the potential to write well, but you seem to be afraid of writing more words. Don't let the words scare you. Just keep writing. Provided you stay within the 20 minute limit, you should be able to get a decent grade for your work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - MIX CHART women who were poverty-stricken & the poverty ratio in the USA [3]

You could have done a better job at representing the discussion of these charts. You only have 160 words presented. Just a little over the minimum word requirement. A fully developed Task 1 essay, the kind that can help you garner more ratings while being reviewed by an examiner, is approximately 175-190 words. As I reviewed your essay, I discovered that you were more focused on just presenting enough of the discussion to get things done. So you did not really try to do a comparison discussion in your presentation. The discussion presentation is what usually helps you achieve the 175 minimum word count. Next time, try to work on your analytics and comparisons more. The comparative discussion is what will boost your score. Don't settle for simply meeting the minimum requirement. That means you will be satisfied with a minimum score as well. Aim bigger and higher for a better score.

Writing Feedback / THE NEGATIVE EFFECT OF THE FAST PACE AND STRESS OF MODERN LIFE ON FAMILIES. [4]

You have the paragraph numbers right. You even got the response to the discussion instruction correct. What you did not get right is the prompt restatement. You also failed to write a minimum of 3 sentences in 2 of your paragraphs. So these all added up to you losing points instead of gaining points in your essay. There will be points deductions slapped on your TA score because of the briefness of your essay. You tend to lose .25 points for ever 10 words that you are under the word minimum. That signifies a hefty deduction on your overall score. This is the type of mistake that will always result in the exam taker automatically failing the Task 2 test.

Essays / How to write a research proposal on smart port development? [6]

What you wrote is not an abstract. An abstract has to represent: motivation, problem statement, approach, results, and conclusions. The abstract is basically written using the writer's assumption about the situation presented. .. The abstract you are presenting does not qualify as one because you are only telling the reviewer the story of a problem. What is obvious is that you do not have any idea what your project will actually be about, why you want to research that topic, and what benefits your country might gain from this research. You better do some preliminary research on the topic before you revise the abstract. You do not seem to understand how to write one. You should use online information regarding how to properly develop and abstract. It is easily found on Google.

Writing Feedback / The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among humans [3]

I cannot review this essay. It is only 230 words. There is a 250 minimum word requirement. This essay will receive so many points deductions for being under the word count that it will not have a passing chance. There will be points deductions for the missing words that would have totaled 250 and, there will also be deductions for the LR, GRA, C&C sections. As such, this essay does not properly represent your ability to write a complete essay. The examiner will mark you down so badly on all fronts that you cannot reach the 5 band score.

So, I suggest that we forget you wrote this essay. Come back to this forum with a Task 2 essay on a new topic, with over 250 words. Then I'll consider reviewing your work and giving you proper pointers. I simply refuse to give you corrections on an essay that I know does not properly represent your writing skills. Take this 2nd chance I am offering you. You won't be sorry.

Graduate / GKS 2020 Statement of Purpose: Focus on SMEs for better productivity [2]

I am afraid that you will need to revise this essay. You see, the masters degree course you plan to take will need to provide the reviewer with your plans for your masters thesis. The masters thesis should be developed over the time you will be spending as a student in Korea. From your first year, you must make the goal of your study evident. The goal, is to... Then, you can discuss how you plan to brush up on your skills and knowledge based on this information during class hours and after hours. Remember, the masters student does not stop studying when the classes end for the day.

Self-education is very important in this area of study. So, how will you utilize the university library and other training opportunities for this course? You could indicate that as a part of your thesis preparation, you will try to get an internship at some company where you can get ample after school education and experience in relation to your research interest or course of study. Then, relate all of those activities with your planned research through the explanation of the goal of your studies, the title of your research, and the description of how you plan to do the research and gain relevant experience for the completion of your masters thesis.

The presentation that you made above partly applies to the study plan for undergraduates. It is not highly relevant to the masters course application guidelines. The language study and socializing with Koreans, those are all for the undergraduate discussion points. Not the masters course which requires more of the students in terms of academic accomplishments by the end of the course. Broken down, the prompt requires:

Goal of Study: A reference to an explanation regarding your possible masters thesis

Title of Study: Based on your goal of study, what potential title would you like to give your masters thesis? Make the title long if you wish, as long as it somehow relates to your goal of study

Study Plan: How might you be required to do your research? What preparations will you make to complete the study by the end of your term? How will you implement these study goals? All in relation to your masters thesis presentation.

Remember, these plans can change. The reviewer just needs to know that you have a serious academic side to you. He wants to know exactly how you will spend your study time, in relation to the masters course you are taking.

Scholarship / Student-run club - Global Markets, Local Creativities - ERASMUS MUNDUS MASTERS SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [2]

The one thing that weakens the letter is the last sentence. It sounds too forced. Your previous paragraph allows the letter to close on a very strong note. Added to that your previous Erasmus Mundus experiences and I am more than certain that the reviewer will strongly consider your application. While there will be other previous EM scholars applying along with you, you all stand an equal chance of getting into the program. It will just be a question of who has the stronger credentials in the end. No worries though, your application will be on equal footing with the others.

Some editing suggestions though. Use either professor or doctor to refer to the person. Don't create a redundancy in titles. It makes it a bit confusing to read. If he is a doctor and a professor, then doctor should take precedence. Mention that he is a professor at so and so instead. At the part where you mention Craftoon, don't use a semicolon, use a comma instead. That is the more appropriate punctuation mark to use. Please remove the comma in the conjunction presentation "full-scholarship, and". It should be a smooth presentation, no pause. Delete the comma.

Graduate / Learning and unlearning (Msc Motivation Letter- Software Engineering) [2]

Take an international point of view regarding your interest in Software Engineering. Discuss how you maybe plan to develop software that can be used internationally based on an open source code (as the prompt seems interested in that). Describe how the university can help you gain strong footing in this field based on the theoretical and practical training the university offers. Don't just use generic information. Your interest in the course must be based on solid information based on the university curriculum and training standards. Don't say "In conclusion", you are not writing a research paper. Close the essay with a statement looking to the future and the achievements you hope to accomplish while a masters degree student. Assure the university that you will be more than happy to share any source code you develop with them and that your desire to learn is something that can only help better develop software programs in the future. It is the later part about the university that needs a little tweaking. Once you strengthen that part, then the essay will be considerably improved and noticeable to the reader.

Essays / How to write a research paper on Toni Morisson the bluest eyes [3]

You can start by figuring out what your motivation is for this research topic. What is it about Toni Morrison that attracts you to learn more about this person? Once you figure that out, you can consider what the objective of your paper will be. What do you want your reader to know about Toni? Why is it important that the reader learn these information? What use does this information have in your line of study? From there, you can outline what specific information you will be delving into for the research paper and how you plan to complete the research. Maybe indicate what you hope to achieve or learn about Toni by the end of your research.

It is difficult for me to give more specific advice because you did not provide enough information regarding what class this is for, what the specific research parameters of the professor is, and other similar information. The advice I gave above should be a good start for you though. Best of luck with your paper.

Undergraduate / Germany - Personal Statement Essay for AFS Application - Proof-reading [2]

This is an excellent start to your response essay. You provide enough basic answers to the the questions. What you lack is an in-depth representation of your actions. These essays have a large word limit as you are expected to be highly detailed in your responses. Provide examples of your leadership skills, team work abilities, volunteerism, and anything else that might highlight how you are a perfect candidate for this scholarship. As of the moment, your essay provides a teaser response. You already have the reviewers attention with your presentation, now impress him with your action through words.

Think of including an explanation of how your interest in Germany developed and how that interest influenced your before, during, and after plans. If you can show that you have an affinity for Germany and its culture / educational system, then you add to the reasons why you would make a good AFS candidate.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: University subjects chosen, 2005. [3]

You have a few spelling errors in the essay that call attention to your lack of English spelling ability ( chosing = choosing, topic = topics). The summary overview is not complete as it does not indicate:

- the 8 subjects
- the measurement type

The overview should represent all of the pertinent information that will be used for the comparison discussion. So when you neglect to inform the reader about the 8 subjects, which were indicated in the chart, you are not delivering complete information to the reader. Remember, you are scored on the accuracy of your report. So make sure you identify and include all related information in the overview portion.

The task 1 test is a direct data reporting essay. Therefore, you should not be offering an opinion such as "It is remarkable..." Just report on the data as presented in the essay. You are not writing an opinion essay, which is what the Task 2 essay represents. Don't make opinions in task 1 essays.

Try to avoid using the Oxford comma in these task 1 presentations. That is how you lower your GRA score. You end up creating run-on instead of complex sentences. Always use a period to indicate the start of a new sentence with related information. Formulate the sentence in a complex manner rather than simply trying to string together the information in one presentation. The criteria for a paragraph indicates a 3-5 sentence presentation. Using only 2 sentences means you are not properly formatting the paper, even if you do meet the word count requirement.