Writing Feedback / UK graduates and postgraduates participating in four different kinds of jobs after finishing college [3]

Min, first up, you are starting to use a memorized phrase here. You have used the phrase "As conspicuous from the statistics" in more than one analytical essay presentation here. That means you are becoming too comfortable with using that word and you do not feel a need to change it up. Try to vary your "trending" statement by using phrases like:

The image shows a steady...
Based on the most obvious trend...
When considering the graph, there is an understanding that...
Seeing the (fill in the blank), the trend is therefore...

You need to change up your presentation during practice so that you will do that automatically during the test. Varying your trending statement presentation will help you increase your GRA score because of the complex sentence requirement of that criteria. That can be achieved by showing off your ability to vary your sentence presentations.

There are only a few pieces of missing information in your summary overview such as the types of jobs the graduates and post graduates flock to for employment upon completion of their course. You need to mention that because it is specified in the chart as "titles" and therefore have a degree of importance in terms of information presentation.

Your second paragraph is a run - on sentence. You should have divided those sentences, as far as I can tell, into 3 or 4 interconnected but individualized sentence presentations in the same paragraph. That way your GRA score would have again, found itself being increased in scoring possibility. BTW, towards the end of the third paragraph, where you indicate the volunteers, you can remind the reader that you are discussing graduates as volunteers, just to serve as a final reminder of the main topic for discussion in that paragraph. You could also do the same thing in the fourth paragraph. It helps to give the reader a reminder placement or topic holder in the paragraph discussion.

Overall, I would have to say that this essay has potential. You just need further guidance regarding content and sentence presentation improvement to help boost your scores.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: number of girls enrolled per 100 boys in different level of school education [3]

One way to limit your word count is to avoid the repetition of information throughout the essay. You often repeated the phrase "per hundred boys" in this essay, which unnecessarily increased your word count. You need to mention the information regarding the measurement only once in the essay. Usually, this is mentioned as part of the summary overview or trending statement. Which makes for easy reference for your reader as he reads your report analysis.

Another way that you can compress your writing to 150 words is to create a one topic trending statement rather than presenting a comparative trending statement. You have to pick whether you want to present the upward or downward trend for that statement. You should base your trending statement on whichever has the higher level of graph movement. That would be the information that will be more important to the reader.

There will always be a tendency for you to write a little over 150 words if you want to present an accurate analytical presentation. I have seen essays presented with 151 words at the very least for the practice test. I always advise students to aim for 175 words in the Task 1 essay though. That figure represents the number of words needed in the overall essay to gain the highest scoring possibilities in all 4 scoring considerations.

Undergraduate / How does this look as a gap year essay? Taking a gap year and going to plan a startup or something.. [3]

Sujhan, the first thing you have to change with this essay is the tone of disinterest or lack of interest in a formal academic education. Rather than saying "anything but books", you could instead say that you wanted to take a break from academic learning and try the school of real life instead. That way, your reason for taking a gap year becomes deeply personal and less of a rebellious statement that might not go over well with the reviewer.

Talk more about the start up that you started during the gap year. I understand that it is still an ongoing activity but I am sure that you have had some pretty clear experiences that will help the reviewer understand why this gap year is important to you. Explain the following in relation to your gap year:

1. What personal experience spurred your desire to take a gap year?
2. What is the name of your start up? What does the name mean either in your language or to you personally?
3. What is the mission / objective of this start up?
4. What has the start up accomplished so far?
5. Do you think you will continue to run this start up after you start your college studies?
6. What are your hopes for the future of your start up?
7. How has this gap year helped you find a direction for yourself both personally and academically so far?

These questions are designed to help you create a more interesting and informative gap year essay. Don't try to take a short cut in the discussion of the gap year because you need to show that you somehow continued your learning experience, in an informal manner, during this period of time. It should not just be about personal growth because personal growth can be achieved even if you are enrolled in school. Leave your family out of this decision because that story makes you sound almost defiant and disrespectful of your parents concern for your education.

Scholarship / KGSP-U - Study plan to Improve English and Korean speaking abilities required for University [3]

Danielle, your response is too short and not very focused on the question being asked which is "How do you plan to improve your English and Korean language skills?" Try to take on a note of humility in your presentation. Say that you know you still have a lot to learn when it comes to the English language, even though you already speak Bahamian English, which is similar to American English. Admit that you are not a native American English speaker but you know enough to perhaps get by in class but still have room for improvement in terms of American English language use.

Do not insert any other language into the discussion. Focus only on the languages of interest to the reviewer. That is, English and Korean. You definitely need to explain how you plan to improve your English language skills even though you come from a predominantly English speaking country. You are still not a native English speaker and Bahamanian English will still have language and dialect differences from the traditional English language. It would be better for your essay if you say that you will focus on learning more about how to speak, think, and write in American English since this is the language usually used as the mode of teaching in a foreign language in Korea.

As for the Korean language, you have a very good learning plan that will be very well supported by the language lessons you will be taught as an undergraduate. I would suggest that you mention a desire to take the TOPIK and the score that you are aiming for because you plan to become a Korean teacher / translator in the future. Mentioning the TOPIK is always welcome in these essays because it shows your seriousness with regards to your desire to become fluent in both written and spoken Korean. Maybe throw in a reference to wishing to learn Korean Sign Language as well to replace the reference to Spanish and Sign Language in the current essay. Yes, I definitely think those additions will make this language study plan more interesting to the reviewer.

Poetry / Essay: Nature's Power and Human Desire in the Process of Decay [3]

Shurui, this is an excellent review of the two poems. You have shown a vast insight into poetry writing and an understanding of its intricacies that I cannot help but wonder if you are not merely paraphrasing someone else's work. Your previous essay writings for the Task 2 tests most certainly do not reflect this ability of yours in the manner portrayed in this poetry review. Perhaps simply writing for the sake of writing instead of writing under time constraints with specific instructions is the best form of English writing exercise for you, and that, is a good thing. By simply improving your writing skills based on non-IELTS related tasks, you should be able to improve your analytical and English writing skills over time. Good job!

While there are some areas where you do make vocabulary mistakes (e.g. human instead of humanity) these do not take away from the seriousness of your review and an understanding that you took the time to truly understand the poems before writing your essay. I hope I am wrong and you did not merely write a paraphrasing exercise here. Please correct me if I am wrong and you only did a paraphrasing exercise. Eitherway, you did a good job.

One problem though, your concluding paragraph is redundant. You should have not have repeated that the writers addressed the reasons behind the decay because you already said that at the beginning of the paragraph. You should have opted for a more relevant sentence that could have made a marked close for the essay instead. Perhaps something along the lines of "Regardless of the reason for decay, one thing was made definite by the two writers. That is, that man will cause his own decay in one way or another." That sort of closing depicts your own understanding of the whole point of the two essays. Which is what can strongly close the presentation.

Writing Feedback / The rate of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged in physical exercises [5]

Minh, writing over 200 words will not help you during the actual test. Do not write more than 175-200 words because you need to leave yourself time for the review and editing of your work. This is not a task 2 essay so you only need to present the actual information from the chart. You do not need to be too wordy to show off your vocabulary or such in this instance because the focus of the examiner will be on your ability to use all of the given information from the chart in the manner described in the instructions.

That said, you failed to present the information about what the 6 age groups are and the measurement type as part of the summarized information. Make sure that all of the types of information being presented in the chart are included in the summary for accuracy purposes. The types of information presented in the listing tells the reader what sort of analysis report will be presented and the reason why it is being presented.

You need to be consistent in your representation of the type of illustration that is provided. A bar chart is certainly different from a simple graph (which could mean a line graph) so look at the type of image and use that reference at all times. This is a bar chart and not a simple graph.

Do not rely on overly long sentences to explain yourself. Not all of the information needs to be tied together even when unrelated. You ended up using run-on sentences throughout your presentation. Run-on sentences and overly long sentences do not represent complex sentences. These are just what they are, long sentences. The complexity of the sentence lies in word usage and sentence structure. Present each idea as a single sentence per paragraph instead. You could have easily created up to 5 complex sentences in each paragraph if you had taken care to not write run-ons instead.

Writing Feedback / Sports Playing A Role In The Civil Rights Movement [2]

Ev, the essay needs to be spiced up so that the reader will have more of an interest in it. Right now, your paper is starting in the middle of the discussion instead of at the beginning. Open the essay with a reference to the football protest started by Colin Kaepernick. I noticed that you neglected to mention the most popular activist athlete of this era in your essay. The paper should have represented him at the very start because his is a name that the reader can recall and actually make them care about the civil rights movement and the participation of athletes. Without a reference to him all of the names you mentioned will be irrelevant to the reader and they pretty much won't care about the relevance of this paper.

You should narrow down your focus to only 3 athletes as examples namely Colin Kaepernick, Muhammad Ali, and another athlete of your choice. Make sure that the third athlete you choose will have a strong civil rights movement representation as well. Don't just say these people protested though. Explain the type of silent protest that they were involved in and what changes resulted from their participation in the cause. Don't just say they protested. Explain why these people are relevant to the cause.

Your essay doesn't feel like you properly completed the presentation because you ended by saying "and so on". That indicates an open ending rather than a closed discussion. Aim to write a solid concluding paragraph to support the thesis statement that you are presenting in your opening statement. By the way, you are lacking a thesis statement at the start which will clarify what this research or opinion paper is all about. If you can strengthen your opening statement with a clear thesis and present a viable solution to this problem towards the end so that a strong conclusion can be made based on the discussions you presented, then the essay will become more authoritative and relevant in presentation. It should be of more interest to the reader once you accomplish those tasks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2- Should newcomers follow new country's traditions? [4]

Hi Caroline, there are 2 instruction prompts for this topic. This is either a simple agree /disagree discussion or an extent of agreement/disagreement essay. Since you did not remember to post the full original prompt with your response essay (a requirement of the forum for review and scoring considerations) I will not be able to score your essay.

You know what? If you had given a more accurate paraphrase of the prompt, I would have been able to decipher what type of essay discussion you were being asked to provide. That is the problem, most students fail to understand that the opening paraphrase is the most important part of the essay because it shows how well you are able to explain the topic, reason, and instructions based on the original presentation. If you can successfully explain what the essay is all about, then you will have a tendency to pass this test.

This being an academic but personal opinion based paper, you have to refrain from placing questions and quotations in the presentation. You must be direct to the point and clear with regards to your discussion. You must also make sure that you double check your grammar rules and punctuation guidelines. "Definitely Yes" should be out of the quotation marks and not capitalized unless it is presented as a title for a movie, book, or something similar. Make statements, not quotations.

Now, I am preventing myself from discussing some other problems that I see in your paper because I lack the original prompt basis for comparison. I believe your paper has more errors that can be presented and corrected. Unfortunately, I can't go beyond the general review due to the lack of the original discussion instructions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 :The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan [3]

Shao, this is a very good assessment of the two plans that you presented. It is clear and considers all aspects of the presentation with regards to information. Your trending statement is very well composed and allows the reader to become excited about reading your upcoming information. Your summary overview has a good outline for the remaining paragraph discussions.

However, you tend to write long sentences because you combine 2 ideas in one presentation using a comma. Try to write shorter but complex sentences by offering each piece of information as a separate sentence in the connected paragraph. That way you create true complex sentences instead of run on sentences.

You have a problem with tense usage as you use present tense wording for future tense presentations in this essay. Be careful as these mistakes will have a direct effect on your GRA score. Familiarize yourself with the future tense keywords and phrases so that you will not make this mistake again.

Your last sentence should not start with "Eventually" because that term connotes "in the end, especially after a long delay, dispute, or series of problems." Your sentence indicates though that the carpark and entrance will not be changed by the improvements being done. Therefore, you should have simply said "The main entrance..." as there was no problem to resolve in the construction and presentation of these areas.

Graduate / I'm in posession of a solid recommendation for a place at the International University of Japan [2]

Byron, were you being asked to write a personal statement with a study plan? This is not a normal masters degree personal statement so I am wondering as to why your presentation is so specific to the point of discussing a study plan. Anyway, since this is a masters degree course you are applying for, your childhood education, specifically your high school education is irrelevant to the discussion. Rather, you can introduce your interest starting from college, just adjust your sentence to remove the high school reference. It will also be better for your application if you mention a specific area of Economics that you gained an interest in as an employee of the Ministry of Finance. What is the backgrounder regarding this professional interest? What specific information were you looking for and why? How did this lead you to the research about Japan's development after WW2 and how is it relevant to the problem you were facing?

Rather than simply enumerating the reasons why you are enrolling at the University of Japan, you should be connecting each aspect to a professional or academic goal that you have. Which means you should omit the mention of letters D and G. Speak directly about how you plan to utilize the remaining opportunities as a student and upon graduation once you return to your country.

I am not sold on the idea that this essay requires a presentation of your study plan (special research). Then again, you did not post the complete prompt requirement so I may be wrong. I will refrain from commenting on that aspect of your work since I have my doubts about its relevance. If you can clarify its needs then maybe, maybe I can come back and offer advice about how to make it more effective.

Writing Feedback / Plenty of authorities in the world consider economic progress is their first priority. IELTS2 [5]

Moon, your writing is showing signs of improvement but you are not progressing beyond simple sentence presentations. If you want to improve your GRA and C&C score, you must learn to stop counting out your reasons and instead, learn to transition between discussions in a manner that connects the two ideas so that they merge into one topic presentation in the paragraph. This creates a far more complex sentence presentation that will allow you to increase your scoring potential in the aforementioned sections. The words "firstly" and "secondly" should, in my opinion, only be place holders for future transition phrases or sentences. That is because simply counting off your reasons does not add any scoring consideration to your sentences and paragraphs but proper transition signals have an effect on the final GRA and C&C scoring.

In addition to that, you also need to remember that because this is a 2 point of view plus personal opinion discussion, it is always wise and good for your C&C score if you clarify the point of view being discussed. Is this the first point of view? Second point of view? Or totally just your personal point of view? The reader needs to be clear on this because it is part of the Cohesiveness and Coherence consideration of your paper. If the reader is not clear about whose point of view is being discussed, you could leave your reader confused and less informed about the topic being presented towards the end of your discussion.

That is precisely why you must outline the discussion instruction as part of the paraphrased paragraph presentation. Which is something that you failed to do this time. You don't have to stick to the formulaic "I will present both points and view and my personal opinion" for that presentation. You can vary it up by saying something like "This essay will analyze all the talking points provided by both sides with the inclusion of my personal opinion." Which creates a more complex prompt paraphrase.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of modern applications' domestic utilization in the UK from 1996 to 2003 [3]

Tuong, there are several missing elements in your presentation that you need to address as a part of your next practice test. For starters, your summary overview is incomplete in terms of information presented and analysis. While you did present the purpose of the graph, you neglected to mention that the measurement used was percentages, the years being presented were on a year on year basis (1996/1997), and there is no indication of the outline for discussion such as the requirement for comparison points. Finally, you failed to identify what the 4 innovative technologies presented in the graph are. These are all part of the summarized or overview of information from the graph that comprise your summary overview.

While I can see that you are trying to increase your vocabulary score by using descriptive measurement words rather than the actual measurements indicated, it would be better for your overall score if you opt to use the data coming directly from the graph instead. That means, you do not say "second in figure (70%)" but rather simply saying it comes in second at 70%. Using a parenthesis means information is optional and thus, unimportant. Which is not the case for these analytical essays so avoid using alternative depictions and also parenthesis. You need to be accurate in the representation of this task because the assumption is that the reader does not have a copy of the graph, hence your report will be only basis of the information, which needs to be data accurate as much as possible.

The normal paragraph requirement for a well scored Task 1 essay is 4 paragraphs of up to 200 words. You only have 3 paragraphs so that means, while you did write more than the minimum amount of words, you are not properly separating the information presentation or you are lacking information presentation in your essay. In this case, you are missing the comparative paragraph at the end. Look at the graph. I am sure that you can see the intersecting points of information right? You have to report about those intersecting points as well because that is the required "comparison" point in the discussion. If it intersects, then there is a similarity in terms of sales or use for a given period and that should be included as additional data in the presentation.

Scholarship / Korea as destination country is really worthy to continue my study - KGSP scholarship essay [2]

Putri, your letter is not very coherent as it is not properly worded in the English language. Aside from that, it appears that you are not providing the required information for the personal statement and study plan for undergraduates. You are applying as a college freshman right? You want to be scholar at a Korean University? Your essay currently does not meet the required information for the personal statement and study plan combined essay.

You should start the essay with a one paragraph explanation of your life experiences. The explanation about your parents being traders is a good starting point. You should end that introduction with an explanation of why your parents are no longer able to support your college studies. That way, you can explain how your academic interests are somehow tied in with your desire to study in Korea.

Talk about your college major. What academic qualifications from high school do you have that will explain how your interest in this field developed? Speak of your extra curricular activities that focused on the further enhancement of your skillset in this area. Then connect it to your interest in Korea as an academic center. How does Korea excel in this field? Why do you believe that a Korean education at Seoul National University will help you achieve your academic and goals? Why will a Korean education help you once you return to your country to work? Focus on the academic excellence of Korea in relation to your chosen major. Remember, you need to appear enthusiastic and excited about the opportunity to attend SNU as a scholar. Explain what you hope to contribute to the international student community there as well so that the reviewer will see a social interest in your part as well, thus making the educational experience a two way street for you in relation to other students.

Now, the Personal Statement requires you to speak of academic achievements, not extra curricular activities. At this point, you are trying to sell yourself as an academic asset to SNU so you will need to enumerate your academic honors and accomplishments rather than the extra curricular activities that do not have a direct relation to your chosen college major. All of your information must interconnect and create the idea that you are an academically inclined student who will continue to flourish as a member of the Korean student community. Right now, I am not getting that picture from your essay presentation.

Remember, you need to be specific about your academic goals. So familiarize yourself with the academic objectives or mission of SNU and make sure that you mention how your goals will be supported by the university goals as well. Specifically, indicate what your college thesis may be and why Korea would be the best place for you to conduct this sort of college level research. What do you hope to achieve by doing that type of research? Now remember, you don't need to be too specific at this point. The reviewer just needs to get an idea of what kind of studies you will be pursuing. Having a study plan also indicates that you will complete the college degree and not just quit midstream since you are applying for scholarship to SNU.

You will need to write another essay. You cannot use what you wrote in this essay because you did not accomplish the task of informing the reviewer about your application based on the required prompt information.

Writing Feedback / The questions of whether people should be paid excessive wages is controversial issue in the world [2]

Elnur, the way I teach my students to write these essays is to have them avoid writing a comprehensive personal explanation of their opinion at the end of the prompt paraphrase. That is because the prompt paraphrase should never be more than an explanation of your understanding of the following:

1. The topic for the discussion
2. The reason for the discussion
3. The instructions for the discussion

While some teachers will say that you should not indicate a repeat of the instructions in the opening paraphrase because is looks like a "memorized phrase", in actuality, the examiner expects you to render an explanation of the prompt discussion instruction as part of the English comprehension considerations for the test. It only becomes a memorized phrase because students tend to use the same explanation for the instructions discussion instead of using more complex forms of sentence discussions for it. If you cannot explain what you are supposed to write about, how can the examiner be sure that you will be properly responding to the prompt right? It's all part of the task accuracy test.

Also, the instructions for the essay, indicates a 5 paragraph response since the maximum explanatory body of paragraphs requires a maximum 3 paragraph presentations of no less than 3 sentences and no more than 5 sentences. You are not supposed to offer a personal opinion at the end of every paragraph. You are supposed to present a solid analytical personal paragraph presentation towards the end of the essay. That is why this essay type requires the 5 paragraph format.

Your essay suffers from GRA issues. You have several punctuation problems where you use a comma instead of a period which cause confusion when reading the essay. You also have missing subjects in a few presentations that depict actions but not the subject being discussed so the reader is left wondering about what you are trying to say.

Basically, this is a good start for a practice test. There is room for improvement and I do not doubt that I can guide you well into becoming a successful exam taker provided to continue to diligently practice, listen to the advice given, and apply it to your work for continued improvement.

Undergraduate / USNA Application; explain your interest in the naval service and describe a personal experience [2]

Taelyn, I think that for the first part of the essay, the one about your initial interest, you could improve the presentation by making a declaration of patriotism that goes beyond service to the country. Perhaps expound upon the idea of how you plan to contribute to America's prosperity as a member of the navy. How do you see yourself, in active service and doing that? It can be something totally unrealistic if you want. You just need to prove that you have the mindset to do what you say and prove that this is part of the reason why you are interested in naval service. Your long term academic goals are good but you need to have a specific long term career goal as well. For example, you could say that you hope to become a Commodore and then explain why this is your ultimate long-range career goal. It could refer to a little personal competition with your brother or a reference to your grandfather's unfilled ambitions. Anything to show that naval service runs in your blood and you are not going to quite mid-training or mid-career.

As for the second part, you should consider including information as to how you bonded with your team members both as their commanding officer and as their friend outside of JROTC. What sort of leadership did you practice? Was it a dictatorial style of a democratic style of leadership? Why do you think that this leadership style worked in developing your own character and integrity? Of all the character and integrity traits that a person has, which specific traits do you believe this leadership experience developed in you and why?

By the way, change the statement to "...and never faltered to the do the same..." using the word "but" usually means you are presenting an opposing story or argument in a presentation. Since you are supporting the previous statement, you should use a connecting word to blend the two thoughts rather than a connecting word that creates opposing thoughts.

The reason I listed these questions is because you response to the second question needs more development. It seems to generic in response. You need to beef it up. Expand upon all the information that you can within the word limitations so that you can properly address all pointed, expected, and potential follow-up questions that may arise in the reviewer's mind. Remember, this is a preliminary written interview. So you need to portray who you are as best as you can on paper. The aim is to convince the reviewer that you have the potential to be a good naval academy student and potential naval officer.

Undergraduate / Failure is simply the opportunity - Common App Essay First Draft - Motivation Essay [2]

Grace, it would be better for us to review your essay based on the common app prompt that you are responding to. Kindly remember to post the next common app prompt with your next essay so that you can receive a more adequate and applicable review from us. In the meantime, I will just offer you a general review of this essay. I believe that you have the presentation in reverse.

If I were to write this essay, I would have started off with a single line quoting Henry Ford at the top of the paper, then I would have started a new line explaining that I seemed to find my greatest motivation in life by finding personal problems or situations to resolve. Only after that would I have presented the AP History story to help substantiate my claims regarding personal problems being a motivation in my life.

I would have depicted some specific problems that I faced as a student of the class which led to my getting a D in the first test. That way, the motivational factor for my desire to succeed and prove other people wrong would have a stronger foundation that would convincingly ended with the way I performed well later on and then eventually, getting the highest grade in the class.

You've got a pretty good essay presentation here. I wish I knew what the full prompt you are responding to is. Somehow, I feel like you could still improve the presentation. I believe there is still room for improvement and additional information in your essay.

Scholarship / My assertive method of leadership. High-profile issues require skills. Chevening scholarship essay [6]

Ahmad, for the Chevening scholarship essay, you need to be more focused in proving that you have true leadership and influencing skills. Your essay doesn't really explain how you represent those traits because you are more focused on the exemplifications of leadership and influencing in your essay rather than showing that you prove to have the traits that make for successful business leaders and influencers. That is why you cannot use this essay for your application. This is not the kind of essay that will gain the attention of the reviewer.

You can perhaps try to develop a new leadership and influencing skills essay using the last paragraph of this essay. That reads like an interesting hook for the reviewer. So you can lay the foundation of your leadership and influencing abilities using that statement then build from there. You must depict how your leadership style has developed over the years alongside your influencing skills. As a leader, you must know how to influence your people. Therefore, the explanation for these 2 traits go hand in hand.

Try to cover both your volunteer and professional leadership and influencing skills so that you can show the reviewer that you are true "social influencer" in the true meaning of the word and not just in the social media context. Do that by narrating events that you have participated in in the most recent past that have allowed you lead, organize, and influence your crew during a noteworthy project. By explaining rather than defining your skills, you stand a better chance of making an impression on the reviewer.

Research Papers / This is what happens when you over estimate your time constraints - ENG101 Research Paper Draft [2]

Hi Martin. Don't be so hard on yourself. You worked hard on this paper, no matter how it turned out. In fact, I am honored that you chose EF to have your paper reviewed in. May I ask why you said that it was part of the assignment to submit the paper here in particular? That mention certainly tweaked my interest. Anyway, about your paper.

I feel that it is trying to go into 3 directions all at once. Are we looking at space exploration for a new home? Space exploration for scientific reasons? Or space exploration for commercial purposes? These are the 3 representations that you have in this essay but none of these topics are actually at the forefront of the discussion. I think you just needed more time to figure out which topic really interested you or had readily available information to complete this research paper.

After completely reading the information you offered in this paper, I came to the conclusion that all you had were "thesis statements" and "abstracts" regarding each topic. None of which were completed in a manner that informed the reader to the point where one could say that "this paper is all about such and such topic." The lack of focus in the discussion is basically what prevented this paper from becoming truly informative and coherent. The lack of cohesiveness in the presentation all stems from the complex topics that you presented, which did not effectively tie in with one another. There were also punctuation and grammar issues in the paper that, although did not affect the overall presentation, left the essay reading as less authoritative, academic, and professional as it could have been.

Overall, you developed a good draft. I am sad that you did not have the time to properly edit the paper. It had the potential to become a very good piece had you only sought a single direction in the topic and writing presentation. The main problem is that you had an unclear opening and an even more confusing ending for the research that you did.

Graduate / I'm seeking to advance on the business field hoping to have an effect on improving business trade [2]

Mohammad, this is not a very strong leadership and influencing essay. Your abilities, as presented in the essay are simplistic and doesn't show that you have grown professionally in terms of leadership abilities and influencing skills. This essay must focus on 2 important aspects, your ability to lead in a professional or volunteer setting, and your ability to influence the group during pivotal times of the project or activity.

Your reference to the college group activity is not impressive because it has a reference to a controlled setting, that of being in the classroom with a professor supervising your group movement, thus limiting your group's ability to fail and address a conflict. Your leadership wasn't really done in terms of dire project considerations as there was no real professional setback or failure to consider.

Try to change the references you have in this story to one strong essay presentation that covers either a professional activity that represents your leadership and influencing skills. Or, a volunteer activity that highlights how you can make a community come together in support of a common cause.

Be conscious of the fact that the Chevening scholarship applicants will be professionals in their field of work who have far greater leadership and influencing credentials to present based on their number of professional years or years of volunteer service. In order to compete, you need to prove that you are a capable up and coming leader and influencer in your field of work or at the very least, within your volunteer community. At this point, this essay version does not reflect any of those. There are hundreds of sample Chevening essays covering leadership and influencing topics to be found at this forum. I suggest that you read those samples and try to imitate the content of those essays in order to have a reference guide for your own revised essay.

Therefore, you will need to delete this version, outline a new essay that better showcases your skills, then write a new, more competitive leadership and influencing essay. Perhaps your second version will present your relevant abilities in a better light.

Writing Feedback / Ielts, Task2, Countryside or city, Discuss both sides + Opinion [4]

Hernant, you need to learn to analyze what number of paragraphs are expected in your presentation rather than automatically writing only a 4 paragraph essay. I teach my students that the reference to the number of paragraphs, which helps you learn immediately how fast you need to write, is found in the discussion instruction. In this case, you are looking at a 5 paragraph essay because the instruction indicates:


. So the format for the whole essay is as follows:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Public POV 1
3. Public POV 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Concluding summary.

Only the extent and agree or disagree essays are written in the 4 paragraph format unless otherwise indicated. A 5 paragraph presentation in the agree or disagree and extent essays is optional, depending upon how well you understand and have knowledge about the topic. Those sorts of essays only become a 5 paragraph presentation when an example is presented and explained.

The mistake that you made in this essay is that you placed your personal opinion in the opening paraphrase, which is never done. It is not done because of the 5 sentence limitation per paragraph which limits your ability to discuss your personal opinion. The reason for the limitation: The personal opinion requires the following elements of explanation per paragraph.

1. Topic sentence
2. Justification
3. Additional reasoning
4. Example (optional)
5. Connection of the example to the topic (optional)

Now, as far as your prompt paraphrasing is concerned, I feel that it has not been properly presented because you used one long sentence presentation for it when it should have been at least 3 sentences in order to meet the minimum 3, maximum 5 sentence allowance per paragraph. This has an effect on your GRA score as you are not really showing off your ability to write simple and complex sentences in the proper manner. I always advice my students to write short sentences that connect to the first sentence for the sake of clarity, cohesiveness, and GRA considerations. I would have written this as:

A discussion has come up regarding whether there is a higher quality of life in the city or the countryside. On the one hand, those who live in the city believe they have the better living options. On the other hand, the countryside residents believe their area where they live offers more living advantages. This essay shall present the public reasons supporting each point of view after which I shall present my personal opinion regarding the discussion.

Why should the public point of view be discussed from a public point of view? That is based on the reference point "It is thought by some", meaning the public, in the topic presentation of the prompt. Why should the personal point of view be presented separately as a paragraph? The original instruction requires the 3 body paragraph discussion format with the reference to "Discuss both points of view AND give your personal opinion". The word "AND" indicates a separate presentation for the personal point of view within the body of paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / It is possible to prevent and solve the problems connected with living in a foreign country [3]

Wen, you immediately failed this task. Although you did write more than the required number of words, you are not discussing the prompt from the angle by which was indicated in the original instructions. You have misunderstood what the topic for discussion is.

Actual topic: Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.
Actual Subject: Having to speak a foreign language while living in a foreign country.

Your Topic: Many people believe that living abroad results in social problems.
Your Subject: Living abroad causes social problems.

By separating the two areas for the subject of this essay, you can clearly see how you made the mistake. Your subject is different from the actual subject. The next set of errors that you made have to do with the discussion instruction:

Original instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your Response: I believe it is possible to prevent and solve the problem and I will not see it in a negative way.

You totally changed the discussion instruction from an extent essay to a positive/negative opinion discussion. That is not the question being asked. The question requires an extent response such as:

I strongly agree/disagree
I wholeheartedly agree/disagree
I agree/disagree to the extent that...
I partially agree/disagree...

among other variations of the possible response to this type of essay instruction.

Your body of paragraphs do not mention even once the problem of not being able to speak the language of a different country. Which is the whole point of the essay. You instead focused on culture clashes and social misunderstanding, which, while somewhat relevant, doesn't begin to explain how the lack of language proficiency fits into your discussion.

That is why I am sorry to tell you that this type of essay will not get a passing score in an actual test. You failed to properly represent the original prompt discussion topic and requirements in your response and that is why this essay did not deliver the correct response.

Research Papers / Putting A Stop to Gun Violence in Our Schools [3]

Jasmine, I am unsure as to whether you have written a research paper or a Task 2 essay for an ELTS practice test. That is why I am lost as to how to steer your essay writing mistakes. I wish that you had been clear about the application of this paper from the very start so that you can receive proper advice. I will assume that you are writing a research paper and offer you comments and advice based upon that assumption.

If this is for a research paper, then it lacks a thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph. The thesis statement should indicate the intentions of your paper and what topics will be discussed in it. While you do have references indicated for your citations, you do not go on to further explain about the meaning of the thesis statement from a detached point of view. A research paper is normally written from the third person point of view. However, had you made it clear from the start that this is an opinion paper, then using the first person pronouns as you do in some parts of this essay was the correct approach. By the way, the events being discussed here, specifically watching TV are still taking place so the present tense of the verb should have been used (watching).

Your last paragraph does not feel like a concluding presentation for the research paper. There is no clear reference as to what you hope to achieve by this discussion. Why you think your suggestions for school safety will work, and what you actually think of President Trump's suggestion. There is no concluding or closing paragraph presented.

Writing Feedback / The average amount of Vietnamese people who studied in France, Russia and in the USA (2000 - 2015) [2]

Dang, you have written too many words for this essay. Remember that editing time is required in order to perfect the essay before you submit it for a grade. Since you have to handwrite the essay, you need to make ample time allowance for the editing task. Do not write more than 175-200 words for this 150 minimum word task. Otherwise, you will end up submitting the essay without having edited it, so the mistakes you made will remain in the final essay presentation and lower your overall score.

You have an otherwise excellent summary overview for this essay. The only lacking information was that you did not include the reference to the information that the number of students was counted in the millions. That is part of the overall information presented in the essay and was the only important data that you missed offering in the summary overview. Not to worry though, your presentation was still good. It is understandable that you will tend to miss a piece of information here and there since this is your first time writing such an essay. I won't ding you for it.

I admire your ability to present a paragraph composed of properly developed complex sentences. You did not have any awkward transition presentations and each paragraph came across as cohesive and coherent. This is something that most students fail to do during their first time writing the Task 1 essay. However, I have to caution you about using actual figures in this instance. Most of the tips of the lines fall in-between the actual numbers so you need to use estimate references such as more or less, appears to be, or estimated at, and other variations thereof. If the numerical data is not definite, then you should not be specific either. This is one time when a "guesstimate" is acceptable in the presentation.

Now, you seem to have missed the intersectional discussion point of the essay. That is, the data for the increase in Vietnamese enrollment in America crosses through France and Russia as well in the year 2015. Note where America crosses into the line of each individual country and do a comparison discussion pertaining to those as it shows that there was a point in time, from 2005 to perhaps 2008 when the enrollments were the same number for the USA, France, and Russia.

Those type of information can easily be seen during the review process. These information also help to increase your overall score as you will be making comparisons where the data requires it or allows you to do so. Never neglect to look for the small comparison points, your final score will thank you for it.

Writing Feedback / Data of Trenton-Mercer Airport, Paying Passengers in New Jersey. [3]

Hoang, you have to remember that the Task 1 essay has a standard format that you have to follow in terms of presentation. This has a required 4 paragraph presentation requirement. So while you did write an acceptable 168 words, the fact that you did not split the information up into the required separate report information paragraphs will lower your score in terms of TA considerations.

You did a good enough job with the opening summary. but you forgot to include the type of passengers used for the survey (paying passengers) and the source of the survey (FAA - Federal Aviation Authority). Including these 2 pieces of information as part of the overview summary would have completed the informative presentation of the important data supplied in the chart.

There are some grammatical issues that show that you are not yet familiar with the how and when to use connecting words. An example of this problem is:


- The dramatic growth continued for one year, peaking at approximately...

The term airport is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized.

This being a task 1 essay, you are not required to present a concluding statement. You are not being asked for an opinion in this essay. You are only offering a summarized report analysis. So a personal conclusion on your part is not necessary. If you would like though, you could present your trending statement as the final paragraph (4th paragraph) instead.

If I were to write this essay, I would have used the 2012 and 2011 figures as one of the stand alone paragraphs. I would have chosen to compare these 2 lowest paying passenger events at the airport to show that the clients of the airport had a more or less 50% passenger traffic difference at the start. By the way, the assumption in the Task 1 essay is that the examiner will not have access to the actual figure, so you not change the numerical data as indicated in the chart. The numbers provide the accuracy of the report so doing your own math will tend to confuse the reader rather than inform the reader.

I hope you can follow the 4 paragraph format when you write your next practice test. You have a good eye for detail and you have the ability to truly analyze the information being presented instead of just enumerating the data to complete the word count. That is the ability to have to develop in this task so that you can score higher in the overall consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: A lot of Buildings Are Now Being Built With An Open Plan Design [4]

Dimas, your essay has too many run on sentences. Specifically in the opening paraphrase and concluding summary. Do not rely on the use of periods to separate your thoughts in the sentence presentations. Instead, use the 5 sentence presentation format that separates the sentence discussions using a period. That way you also manage to create a more diversified sentence structure presentation going from simple to complex and vice versa.

Now, if you want to use the word "and" in a sentence, use it in the middle of a connected idea presentation. Never use "and" after a period because that is a connecting word and should be used accordingly. Also, you seem to have a problem with English writing rules. Try to remember that you need to capitalize the first word at the start of every new sentence. You made this mistake several times in the essay.

Your second paragraph focused too much on the discussion of the antisocial habit of gadget use instead of explaining how open plan designs encourage socialization among peers instead. Don't lose focus of the actual topic for discussion. Remember to refer back to the original prompt after you finish drafting the essay to be sure that all of your responses relate to the expected information and does not digress in discussion as your second paragraph did.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - posting comments on product or service to the internet, is it good or bad? [5]

@smally01 This is actually a variation on a direct response essay. When you are asked if this is a good or bad thing, you should have a thesis statement at the end of the paraphrase that says "I view this as a good / bad thing for a few reasons." You are not being asked about whether it is beneficial to the buyer and/or seller. It is a simple question and explanation essay. So your prompt paraphrase is incorrect at this point. Here is how it should have been written:

The cyberworld has specific areas where people can shop for products or acquire services. It also allows the buyers to leave comments about the product or services as they experienced it. I believe that this method of allowing for public comments regarding consumer goods and professional services is a good thing for a few reasons.

By the way, "and" is a connecting word. So if you want to use it to connect two thoughts, make sure you do not have a period before it. "And" cannot be used to start a sentence as a connecting word. Now, while your essay took the wrong approach to the response, I would like to tell you that I noticed an improvement in your writing. You have a clear presentation of ideas in relation to the prompt as you (mis)understood it and you were able to explain yourself well. I just wish you had approached it from the correct thesis statement. No worries though, I know you will do better next time.

Undergraduate / Pa-rth foundation Scholarship. why a degree in Nursing? How will you give back to your community? [3]

Idogwu, your essay only responds properly to the second half of the essay which is all about how you will give back to your community. You can keep that part of the presentation intact and attach it to the revised first part of your essay response. The main problem with your first part is that you do not really explain your motivation for becoming a nurse. You are only offering an academic biography to the reviewer, that does not include an explanation of how your interest in nursing developed and why you are driven to pursue it as a full-time career. The first 4 paragraphs of your essay should therefore, be removed and replaced with a more appropriate presentation.

You can use your experience as a member of the community health development program to answer the question as to why you want to study nursing instead, Explain how this participation of yours led to your interest in becoming a nurse. What type of medical participation did you have that encouraged you to look into a nursing career? You can even use that participation as the reason as to why you want to become a nurse. Just fully explain how your community badly needs medical care and becoming a nurse is the fastest way you can think of helping your community. Then, you can present how your desire to help others medically was further fueled by the experience of your grandfather and how your desire to help him medically saved his life. These would be the more valid reasons as to why you would desire to become a nurse.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 IELTS. These days people in some countries are living in a "throw-away" society [3]

You are doing yourself a disservice by not practicing under time constraints. Since you did not write this essay under the proper writing conditions, I will not score the essay because that will give you a false sense of accomplishment. I cannot honestly score you on a paper that did not meet the writing guidelines for a practice test. Sorry about that. Writing 300 words in your method of practicing to write is excellent, but bad for an actual test.

You are obviously focusing on the wrong aspect of the test, which is simply to show off your vocabulary skills. You are not really using connecting sentences in your paragraph discussions so rather than creating a cohesively connected single topic with supporting information paragraph, you are writing about 2 separate discussions, which means neither discussion is totally developed in the essay.In the second paragraph, a proper connecting sentence between the two would be a transitory presentation such as; "... spontaneously. This is an act that is encouraged by the manufacturers in order to sell more of their products..."

If you want to know how to shorten the essay, the answer is simple. Don't over discuss it. Either you discuss one topic per paragraph without writing long sentences or run-on sentences or, discuss 2 short but connected topics within the 5 sentence maximum requirement. Aim to write no more than 275 words. With 300, as I always say, you will never have time to edit and almost perfect your presentation. That is why practicing under time constraint is the only way to prepare for this test.

Taking your time to write without time restrictions allows you too much liberty in terms of topic presentation, paragraph development, and editing. Elements that do not exist in the testing center. You will continuously write wordy essays that will prevent you from meeting the time consideration requirements. Long essays are not an assurance of passing the test. Clarity, cohesiveness, proper vocabulary usage, and proper sentence structures are the only assurance of passing the test. You can write 500 words and not have a good essay to present if it does not meet the standards for consideration. That is why I train my students to limit the number of words they write so that they can focus more on the important elements of the presentation. Writing for simply writing isn't an assurance of passing the test.

Please do your best to never again practice without time constraint. You are only cheating yourself and you will not improve towards being properly prepared for the test if you continue to practice in this manner.

I am not going to discourage you from practicing to write essays though. Just don't use IELTS topics for your practice essays. Just pick common, everyday, simple essay topics as assigned to English learners and write about those topics free of time constraints. You can improve your English vocabulary and writing skills that way. Do that type of writing in between your practice test essays. You can even post those free topic essays here for further advice regarding writing skills and vocabulary or sentence structure development. Don't use IELTS topics because those need to always be written under a specific writing set up or setting that does not allow for the same writing freedoms as the common topic ESL essays.

Writing Feedback / Agriculture development didn't solved the hunger problem over the world [5]

Kyleigh, this is a direct response essay because there are 2 questions being asked in the original prompt which are not based on yes or no response. When 2 direct questions are asked, you are expected to outline your discussion in the body of paragraphs by offering a single sentence response to each question. One sentence response for the "Why" and another for the "What" question. That brings the opening paraphrase paragraph to a total of 3 sentences. Here's a sample of how to approach the response paraphrase:

While there has been notable improvements in the field of agriculture, hunger is still an international problem. I believe that the reason for this is that people with enough access to food are wasteful. A possible solution to this problem is to better educate those with better food access about how to donate their excess food to those in need through various charities.

From there, you should take 2 response paragraphs to explain one reason for hunger and another paragraph for the explanation of your proposed solution, then a concluding paragraph. That is the more scoring consideration appropriate format for this essay.

Scholarship / Contribution to Indonesia - Working as an Ambassador of Indonesia Through Teaching [3]

Maria, the reason why your essay reached the word limit is because you just kept on typing, without actually considering that there are only a few aspects of your essay that apply to the required information. You rambled on and on in your essay even though what you were discussing no longer applies to the 4 discussion points in the essay. You cannot use this essay. It refers to too much useless information such as your kindergarten experience and the research done by PriceWaterhouse Cooper. Just stick to the required discussion elements and you will find that you will have an essay lower than the word count. Let me see if I can explain to you what each question requires as a response so you can properly write a new essay.

1. Describe Yourself - The reviewer does not care about who you were in kindergarten, nor who you where in college. Explain who you are today, as a potential graduate student. What influences did you have in your life that led you become who you are today? Talk about how your current profession influenced your mindset. Talk about how other people view you as a person and a professional. What are your personal qualities as a person and professional that appeal to people?

2. Contribution to the community and your workplace - You should build on two aspects of this discussion. Focus on explaining why you felt a need to tutor your classmates. How did this improve your relationship with the student community? What notable leadership activities did you participate in? Being a tutor isn't really as impressive as it sounds in the essay. This is something that most applicants will refer to in their essays because it is the easiest to justify. You need to mention a community organization you joined, a project of note that you either led or participated in, and the results of that activity. Being an announcer for the Slavic Studies Association isn't of worthy note either. Anybody who was a member of the association could have done that. The mentoring of Russian students on your part seems to have potential though. See how you can further develop that as an activity of note in the international student community. Your participation in the Indonesian Heritage Society is also lackluster as it doesn't show you in the role of a leader. Your activities as a participant are all "common" and doesn't help you stand out as a potential leader within the considerations of the scholarship program. You need to showcase and highlight your "leadership abilities" somehow. Surely you led some activities successfully, mention those instead. You are also lacking in reference to how you hope to contribute to these organizations after you graduate. How can you help to enhance these community groups based on your new knowledge or masters degree academic, social, and professional influences?

3. Your dream about Indonesia in the future - Without referring to previous research, discuss instead the ongoing improvements or economic programs of your local and national governments. Explain how you hope to become an active participant in achieving that program's success. Based on the programs, explain what your ideas with regards to program implementation and enhancement. This signifies a feasible dream that you have for your country which you can achieve once you complete your masters studies.

4. How to reach that dream - This is where a discussion of your masters degree comes into place. Discuss your academic and professional goals in this portion, paying specific attention to how the masters degree course will help you train and develop implementable programs or solutions once you graduate.

Writing Feedback / Many countries spend a lot of money in the arts. Some people think investment in ....IELTS writing [3]

Kevin, you have the body of the essay correct. You used the perfect reference phrases to indicate which side of the discussion you are presenting. This is, for all intents and purposes, a presentation of 2 acceptable body of paragraph reasons. However, for all the perfection of the body of paragraphs, there was one slight flaw in your presentation. What exactly did you mean when you referenced "sanitary" in the paragraph?: Sanitary what? How does that beautified by art? If you meant restrooms, then explain why. Or better, yet don't mention it at all since you already made 2 example references in the sentences that are self explanatory. Don't present any examples that you have to explain when you are presenting several samples in one sentence.

The main imperfection of your essay is that you opened the presentation with a response pertaining to your personal opinion. Since this is not a direct question essay but rather a comparative + personal opinion paper, the personal opinion should have been presented anywhere within the 3 body paragraph reasoning presentation. With this particular essay, you should present a total of 5 paragraphs covering:

1. Paraphrase
2. Public POV 1
3. Public POV 2
4. Personal POV
5. Concluding summary

This method of discussion is the most appropriate and most advised method of discussion as the prompt requirement indicates the need for the 5 body paragraph. The prompt discussion instructions always indicates how many body paragraphs you have to present. Normally, you are asked to present 4 paragraph for agree or disagree questions and 5 paragraphs for comparative + personal opinion essays. Direct question essays can also be presented in 4-5 paragraphs depending upon how familiar you are with the discussion topic. Always deliver the discussion in the manner indicated in the prompt.

In this instance, you failed to properly deliver a prompt paraphrase because you immediately launched into a personal discussion. The correct first paragraph / paraphrase would have been composed mainly of a restatement of the following topics:

1. Discussion Topic
2. Reasons for the discussion
3. Restatement of the discussion instructions for outline discussion purposes

Sample:

Various countries have been known to support the artistic endeavors of its citizens. That is why some people have come to question why the government spends so much money on the arts when there are other government supported programs that need funding. This essay shall discuss whether the government should continue with its art expenditures and why or whether it should be offering more funding to other projects. After that discussion, I shall present my personal point of view for the reader's consideration.

Had your opening paragraph been more attuned to what I wrote above, your essay would have stood a chance of gaining a higher scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / (WRITING IELTS TASK 2) Spending too much money on national celebrations. Agree or disagree? [2]

Quyen, you have misunderstood the prompt discussion instruction. You are not being asked for your opinion regarding the need to maintain the quality of the festivals. The question being asked is whether you agree or disagree that people and the local governments are spending too much money on festivals. It is basically a yes or no question

Question: Do you agree or disagree?
Response: From my perspective, maintaining the quality of the festivals is important.

With that mistake, you failed the task accuracy portion of the test. Which then hinders the possibility of you scoring at least a 5 with this essay. You are not responding to the task requirement with your response because rather than saying whether you agree or disagree, you changed the instruction and chose to respond to a topic of your choosing instead. Such a prompt deviation creates complications with how the rest of your writing will be received by the examiner.

The proper approach to this essay would have been to say "I agree with this statement for a number of reasons" and then you can use 2 paragraphs to defend your stand. This is not an extent essay so you cannot "partially" agree or disagree with the statement. This is a one point of view response essay instead. We have numerous samples of those essays at this forum. I suggest you familiarize yourself with how those were written in order to learn from those who previously took and passed the test.

Writing Feedback / Banning of private cars and permitting public vehicles in city centers. [4]

Jea, you only focused on the first part of the discussion. Where is the discussion about the use of bicycles, buses, and taxis? You created your own prompt statement again. This is really a serious problem on your part as it commonly happens, I always correct it, and you still keep making the same mistake. Always, always, make sure that you address only the topics included in the original prompt. Do not create country specific discussions because you deviate from the prompt and create only a partial response to the prompt. Look at the vehicles you mentioned in your essay, it does not even begin to touch in a single mode of transport from the original prompt. This is not a good essay because it doesn't stick to the appointed discussion. This was to be a comparative essay between vehicle free days in city centres and the possible benefits or drawbacks if only buses, bicycles and taxisare allowed in this areas on specific days.

Writing Feedback / The popularity of reading news online means crisis for printed newspapers [3]

Shurui, I am impressed with the improvement in your writing. You have shown a tremendous amount of growth with this essay presentation. You have been paying attention the advice being given to you and properly applying it. A word of caution though, you should never use sensationalist references in a task 2 essay unless a "Debate" is actually inferred. Rather, always use variations of the word "discussion" because that is what the essays normally represent.

You should now learn to use transition sentences within 2 paragraphs that will help to connect 2 separate topics into one cohesive and coherent discussion. This is the only slight problem in your second paragraphs. After you said "instant future of the internet" the next reference sentence should have been a transition from online newspapers to traditional newspapers. A possible transition / connecting sentence would have been; "This is where the difference between an online paper and a printed paper lies." Then you could have continued with "Newspaper articles..." The transition sentence would have conneced the two different thoughts by presenting them in a connected meaning thus creating a more complex paragraph and showing off your ability to use various sentence and writing styles to improve your presentations.

Don't worry about the acronyms for the news sources. You will be wasting time and word space if you define internationally known news sources. It isn't necessary. Your concluding paragraph did not properly summarize the discussion topic points though and that, would have been a waste of scoring potential on your part.

Writing Feedback / Challenging life in a country where we need to communicate via foreign language [4]

Min-Chi, you cannot totally agree with the point of view and then use a comparative essay discussion. When you use a single point of view agreement / disagreement, then that is the only point of view that you can present in the essay. However, if you present a partial agreement / disagreement with the statement, then you can use a comparative essay presentation. So your essay will lose points because it does not properly discuss the prompt based upon your given thesis statement in the prompt paraphrase. You also forgot that there is a 5 sentence maximum requirement per paragraph. Try to write short but complete thought presentations in every paragraph but avoid run on sentences are you are prone to do in this essay.

You failed to double check your punctuation marks in the presentations of your paraphrase. You need a period after the word "issue" because that is the actual end of that sentences. The next line "Not" indicates a new sentence because of the capitalized word. You created a senseless run-on sentence and that will have an effect on your GRA scoring due to the punctuation marks and sentence development considerations, which you did not deliver properly. Even your concluding paragraph, which is supposed to be a summarized presentation of the previous discussion is a run-on sentence, which will be another mark down in your final score.

Writing Feedback / People think wearing stylish clothing is important. Positive or negative development? [4]

SG, it appears to me that your English thoughts are marred by your inability to use the proper vocabulary to explain what it is you are saying. Look at the list of the words that you used which have a meaning far different from what you thought it meant:

uprising - an act or instance of rising up; especially : a usually localized act of popular violence in defiance usually of an established government

decompose - to separate into constituent parts or elements or into simpler compounds

A mindset is "a mental attitude or inclination " or "a fixed state of mind". The mindset of this discussion should have focused only on fashionable clothes, you should not have altered it by presenting a reference to plastic surgery. That is a totally unrelated prompt deviation. This created a less coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation.

Clothes do not "decompose". However, it does get "worn" with age. Worn means "clothes that look old or have imperfections due to constant wearing". Decomposition is more used in describing things that rot such as corpses, biodegradable trash, flowers, etc.

Your concluding statement does not reiterate the reasons why people's fascination with fashion should be considered a negative development. You know how to fix that weakness in your writing. Try to read a dictionary more often and try to remember the definition of terms so that you can use some words in the proper context. Memorize the meaning along with the word.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: should charity organizations only help their citizens or anyone who in need? [5]

Min, in actuality, your essay is considered partially correct in response. It is partially correct and would be scored for the portion that it does respond to which is the personal opinion and one public opinion section. You are right in saying that the essay requires your opinion so you were correct in presenting the side you support and the discussion about it. The problem is that you used the whole essay to discuss only your opinion. A presentation of a personal opinion requires you to say what side you support and why.

The main problem you have is that you changed the prompt subject for discussion, which caused you to deliver an incorrect thesis statement via your response to the question. However, your 2 body paragraphs are considered to be in line with the given discussion topic so you will definitely be scored for these portions. A 2 point of view with personal point of view presentation should be discussed in the following format:

1. Paraphrase
2. Public POV 1
3. Public POV 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Concluding summary

You should never forget that when there is a reference to "some people" or as long as the term "people" is mentioned in the discussion, the two points of view require a public reference along the same vein such as "Groups of supporters" or "Other opinions..." Make sure the reader is clear about whose public opinion is being discussed so that you can be scored accordingly.

Writing Feedback / Having Children Later in Life. Why is this trend occurring? What are the impacts of this development [3]

Shurui, this paper is almost perfect in presentation and that, is not a good thing. Why is this not a good thing? You mentioned that you read this question sometime ago online and you took the time to think about how to respond to it before writing it. If you do not read the question and then immediately write a response to it, then you are not giving yourself an actual exam setting set up for your practice essay. That is why the response is almost perfect, with very little mistakes. You did not write this under time pressure. Therefore, your response, though fantastic in presentation, cannot help you when you take the actual test.

The key to writing the perfect IELTS task essay is time management. How well do you respond to the question under time pressure? How well can you think in English and write in English when you are under time constraints such as in a university class exam setting? That is what this test is all about. So taking your time to analyze the essay and then developing a response after some time is not very helpful to you as an exam taker. All your essays must be written under time pressure or you are not preparing to take the exam in the correct manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITNG TASK 1: The process of producing coffee and preparing for sale [2]

Moon, you can present a cleaner, concise, and thorough opening summary if you do not separate your statements into stand alone sentences. When you place all the separate sentences together in one paragraph of 3 sentences, you present a clear overview summary with a clear outline for the upcoming discussion presentation. Now, you will probably say, "Then I would only have 3 paragraphs". That's true. That is because you did not follow the illustration separation of steps as it was shown to you. In truth, the illustrations are presented in 4 stages composed of 11 steps.

Therefore, each 3 drawing descriptions is equivalent to 1 paragraph. So, 4 levels of illustration is equal to 4 sets of paragraphs. That is a little trick that helps you to achieve the proper word and paragraph count for the essay. For procedural description essays, which this is, count the number of steps, then count the lines of drawings to figure out how many paragraphs can be presented. It will never be less than 4 paragraphs.

By the way in the last step, where you mention that the ground coffee is vacuum dried to turn into moisture, actually, vacuum drying the ground beans removes moisture. All of coffee in the supermarkets are vacuum packed with the moisture removed in order to preserve the coffee. You either misunderstood the diagram or you do not understand how coffee is really made and what vacuum packing means. vacuum packing means removing moisture to create a longer shelf life, which is what is done to make sure the coffee will remain fresh for a long time on the store shelves.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 IELTS. Rising temperature globally on the Earth [3]

Hoang, this is a direct response essay. So your thesis statement at the end of the 3 paraphrased sentences should refer directly to the following information:

1. What are the causes?
2. How should the problem be dealt with?

In a direct response essay, the paraphrased opening paragraph serves to aid the student by allowing them to present a discussion outline for their body paragraph presentations. You should answer the questions in the order by which these were posted in the original prompt. Now, when you start explaining connected reasons in one paragraph, as the questions asks about "causes" in the plural form.

Do not count of by saying "Firstly" then "Secondly" because that makes your response appear as 2 separate ideas in the presentation. Instead, use a transition sentence between the last sentence of the first reason and the starting sentence of the second reason. You could say that " These events help to cause rapid advancement..." It makes for a more concise and clear paragraph presentation of several connected topics for discussion and also increases your GRA score because the transition sentence will always be a complex sentence presentation.

I don't really see you using transition sentences in your paragraphs. Only topic sentence presentations, which don't really help in the presentation of a clear and understandable paragraph as these often lack explanations to help the reader understand the topic you presented for discussion in a better manner.