Writing Feedback / While the benefits of media presence in a society is clearly, the failures also exist in technology [4]

Hi Dina, I have a little help for your essay, please find the corrections below;

- The modern era emergetheThis sophisticated technology emerge in this modern era . - The media is one of part byof technology - which is the extendable toextends help

- theto peoples
- in the lifelives .
- While the benefits of media
- in the society is clearly ,
- the lack exist toothere's also something missing in this technology

- The media society have a myriad of function.
-AfterwardsMoving forward , the connectivity
- is thea crucial of

Dina, as you can see, I am really confused with your essay, it is somewhat written in a way where all the ideas are jumbled in one place, hoping the readers would get it and honestly, I had a really rough time understanding it. My suggestion is, practice reading a lot and make sure that you follow through some suggestions given to you.

Writing Feedback / The total rentals and sales of movies over 9 years period from 2002 to 2011 [2]

Hi Yusri, it is indeed a very comprehensive analysis and good job on that!
The only thing is, I can only be able to judge it base on how you are able to write it following the language rules, this is because you forgot to post the graph or the diagram. For future writing reference, make sure that you add it on to the thread and you can still do this when you post the final revision.

A gentle reminder, be very careful with the figures, the facts as well as the information associated to the graph, it is very crucial and I can't stress this enough. The writing strokes that you possess, needs a little bit more polishing but you are persistent and you keep on practicing, this is very good.

Overall, it is a well written analysis and you should be able to write more comprehensive and well written essay.

Keep on writing.

Writing Feedback / An info about vehicles utilizing in Edmonton and some society reasons for using a car in the town. [4]

Hi Wiwik, here's another help from me.

- utilized in Edmono ton,
- the society reasons
- forwhy people are using
- use are cars .
- It can also be seen
- that the mostcocieties reasons
- behind car usageuse the car are
- is tofor commute to work.

- The most utilizingutilized transport are cars ,

- The majority people'sMajority of the reasons - for usageusing the car
- is forto commute

Wiwik, it is quiet clear that you understood your analysis, however, the way you interpret it, it did not transcend properly. A little more practice and read through or review the language rules, learn how and when to use the words "to" / "from", there's a huge difference and this is crucial in building the idea of your analysis.

Writing Feedback / Proportion of Visitors to England who enjoy four different tourist attractions in Brighton - IELTS 1 [2]

Hi Reza, I would like to help you out by sharing some thoughts on your essay.

- the proportion of the visitors
- At firsta glance,
- all the categories of the - attractions is displayed ain fluctuation,
- figures over all the years.

- whichthat became
- the choices
- of destinations and attractions
- it had beenwas the beginning
- of a period that
- rate ofat 30%,

There you have it Reza, I hope the above suggestions are useful in creating your revision or at least to see the difference I made in your essay. You see, a little attention to details specially when trying to illustrate facts, is very important in order not to miss any relevant information from the graph.

Writing Feedback / The monthly spending on different products of an average Australian kin in a 10 years period [3]

Hi Wiwik, I would like to share some insights in your analysis.

- thea majority family

- In 1991, other thingsgoods and
- service ishas the highest
- second needs whopriority where people
- it was differenthas a difference of $5 in 2001. - For theThe housing society

- was just $75
- justat $70 per month

Wiwik, most of the statements are correct and some needs enhancement and this is what I suggested above. I hope this is useful and for future writing reference, mind the placements of your linking verbs, this are minor details but it is necessary that you be careful on using them in your sentences and if you can, refrain from using the word "just", this somehow belittles the idea that you are trying to foster in the minds of your readers.

Writing Feedback / Films in diverse formats at store 2002-2011 - rentals figure had the highest number at the beginning [3]

Hi Siti, reminder on posting the chart, this is very essential as I've mention from previous remarks that this is where we base our analysis. Moreover, necessary information from the chart will also help us analyze the facts and figures that is noted in your essay.

Anyhow,judging the essay base on the English language rules, you were able to create a good picture of the chart and I must say, the words are constructed in a way that the chart can be written as an essay itself.

Moreover, the presentation of your analysis is also up to standard, not long and not short, the figures, the sales as well as the numbers was able to observe a uniform format and this is also important in presenting the analysis.

Again, I may not be able to conclude how this essay is written due to lack of pertinent information, otherwise, it is due written.

Writing Feedback / Numbers of commercial formats of film rented and its sales from a special stall over a 9-year period [2]

Hi Nur, friendly reminder, you forgot to post the chart again.

- byin the line graph.

- To begin with , the
- with reaching a peakedits peak of 215,000

- Turning to anotherthe other analysis,
- which this number

There you have it Nur, I can't really judge if this analysis is correct as I don't have the basis for it, however, I edited the sentences, following the English language rules and so far, the above corrections are suggested. You were able to come up with a good analysis base in the flow of the sentences and I hope you continue doing so. When you're on your next writing project, mind your 'which', 'that', this' with', this words are essential in completing the essay, however, this does not necessarily mean that you have to put them in every phrase of the sentence.

I hope my insights help.

Writing Feedback / The information about the United States of America dwellers consuming energy by fuel [2]

Hi Mochtar, I have read and crossed check your analysis to the graph provided and in conclusion, I can say that you were able to analyze the data and provide accurate information to your readers.

However, there are a few sentences that I would like to correct, please find below;

- the United States of American dwellers
- obvious piecesfacts of information
- areis that,

- gas, and petrol and oil indicated a dramatic drop.

- for the fuels , Nuclear,
- unchangedconstant in the
- InBy the end of the period,

That's it from my end Mochtar, I hope I was able to share some valuable enhancements to your essay and for future writing reference, refrain from using a comma when your word is followed by the "and", the word "and " denotes the end of your examples or addition to your ideas, however, if you still have more notes following the last one, the the word "and", will not be necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The reasons and the solutions of the children's lack of attention in class [2]

Hi Mochtar, I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive enhancement here from Ray93 and I hope you follow through, these suggestions can be very valuable as you go and create your revision.

Now, when it comes to your concerns on task response, coherence, cohesion, etc., I must say, you have quiet an argument here. The prompt was addressed properly and you manage to illustrate the reasons you think is the cause of this matter and the solutions on how to deal with the situation.

Indeed, the technology has gone far and wide in influencing our daily lives, the younger the generation, the bigger the effect. The good thing, however, as human beings, as they say, the power in in our hands, this is true not only in technology but to everything we do, we have to make sure that we have full control, otherwise it will have a really devastating effect not only to the main person but may have a domino effect. Overall, your essay is fairly written and I hope to read more of your essays soon.

Scholarship / This is an essay of my study plan which is necessary for me to enroll for a scholarship [2]

Hi Ekbadin, I just finish reading your essay and for some reason, I got tired reading it, here are a few reasons worth noting.

- the introduction to technology, innovation and all other information about modernization is not necessary to this essay. I understand that you prefer to have a basis to back up your study plan and there's nothing wrong with that, however, you made one full paragraph out of this idea and this is eating up a valuable space on your essay.

- as you can see most of the contributors focused on enhancing the introduction or the first paragraph of the essay and this means that you really need to focus on this part of the essay.

Moving forward, the flow of the essay, the idea that you were trying to convey to your readers and most importantly to the admissions staff is not the ideal transition of a study plan.

However, here's what I suggest, revised the essay with one purpose and one approach, the purpose is not only to impress the admission staff on your writing skills but to send the message that you are ready for the challenge ahead, then the approach, this should be straight forward and direct to the point.

I hope to read your revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Freshgraduate and work experience; it is not an obligation anymore to have an academic degree [2]

Hi Dian, I would like to share some insights and enhancements on your essay.

1st paragraph

- degree is the bridge to
- lot of evidentevidence that prove
- their academic educations .
- thea good working skills and ethics

2nd paragraph

- ishas an ambition
- that is dreamed of by
- requireds academic degrees,
- such as lawyers, psychologists, doctors, counselors, and scientists.Law ( change all the professions to its academic equivalent, Lawyer - a person practicing law who garnered an academic degree in Studying Law )

Dian, coming from previous writing pieces, yours are mostly almost perfect, now you just have to make sure that there is a consistency in your writing or if it changes, aim for a higher stroke. I hope the remarks above are helpful as well as useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / The main feature of an operated photo booth machine. It allows an user to take two types of pictures [2]

Hi Dian, at a glance I know exactly that this is your work, very sophisticated, very detailed and you do not bind yourself on the information provided but you try to do your own research in order to provide further education to your readers. Moreover, you have a clean stroke in writing, you make sure that the paragraphs are kept to a minimum and the key points are associated in the sentences.

Furthermore, you were able to explain the process of automatic photo booth capture in a way that a normal person would understand and would be able to operate themselves when they need to. As mentioned from earlier notes, the simpler, the better and this is a belief that I share with a lot of people too, because to complicate things means to complicate your life ahead, so Keep It Short and Simple, this is very true in writing.

I hope this analysis and my insights passed the ever strict yet just criticisms of your mentors.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I: the diagram illustrates the operation of automatic photo both for passport [2]

Hi Fardan, you forgot to post the diagram, anyway, as this is crucial to the analysis, you can add it on the final revision and for future writing reference, when you refer the information gathered from a diagram, the diagram has to be visible as this is where the facts and figures can be cross checked.

Moving forward, kindly find my remarks below;

- about the operation
- of an automatic photo
- picture that can be

- In the inside, there isOne side has an ( this - is for things that are near you and one that you can touch and present to the crowd )

- position, precisely atto the eye level.
- And thenThen , a mirror is
- capturing a picture.
- In thatthe process,

- it is required to enter choinssome change onto the slot provided .
- the coin slot coin there are
- two buttons to choose, ( mind the minor details, punctuation marks )
- white, in which are for passport photos.

There you have it Fardan, I hope the corrections above are helpful.

Writing Feedback / Education is a crucial part to reach bright future of horizons [2]

Hi Fardan, I just finish reading the essay, and I must say, I understood what your side of the argument is, you were able to write a clear and concise message to your readers, the word choices are not only simple but it has the sense of better understanding and the idea transpired through out the essay.

Overall, the concept of what is asked of the prompt as well as the opinion that you are trying to convey to the readers is seen in the essay and this is very vital towards the completion and ultimately the submission of your essay.

I hope to see more of your work and for future writing reference, try to be more specific when it comes to giving examples, reason behind the citation and of course, the relevance to the essay.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Different views in terms to the idea that the best way to get a job is to graduate a decent school [2]

- TheA great job is
- a description of a ( mind your linking verbs ) succesful person.
- terms toof the idea
- thatof the best
- S ome ( given that it's a draft, you still should not forget to polish is as if it were to be submitted, so mind your capital letters on the first word of every sentence )

- peop le ( ...and your typo )
- which is gottenthat is achieved by attending - a University
- Some otherOthers believe that
- obtain the best position
- in a job is by having
-qual; ification is very
- way job the market
- inover the last decades.

LaPolo11, I took the chance to edit and proof read the 1st paragraph of your essay, it is very obvious that there is a lot of enhancements that needs to be done in your essay, however, you practice, you persevere and you try hard to better at this craft. Now, be mindful of the minor details that completes the sentences and make sure that when you post your essay, consider it as a done deal so it should be a good one and the best one you got, I hope to read the revision soon.

Writing Feedback / Economic inequality is increasing in many countries. Unequal distribution of income. [2]

Hi Dian, after reading your essay, I must say that you did quiet a lot of digging in this task. Research and in - depth understanding of the prompt and the idea on what to write is very evident in the essay. You manage to discuss facts, your opinion as well as the current situation of the issue in the society. I believe you captured the answer to the prompt to its core, the essay is argumentative with a weapon, meaning it does not fight without a reason, it is backed by facts out of research and strong opinion out of your belief and understanding.

Pretty much, what I'm saying is that, you have a well written essay, you answered the prompt clearly and straight forward.

Now, for future reference, before presenting a draft, I know it's just a draft but remember that all of your writing depicts you as a writer, so keep is as polished as possible, capital letters, punctuation marks, indentations and all other minor details should be observed.

I hope my insights helped and I wish to see more of your writing pieces.

Writing Feedback / 'The traveler should stay away from risky places' Advantage and disadvantage of the new locality. [4]

HI wiwik, I would like to help enhance your essay by giving a few insights and corrections, please find below;

- holidays by cominggoing ( spending time away - going / getting back from a trip - coming )
- Many people likelove to spend their holiday
- in new tourist spots even
- though some people more choose
- a holiday
- While holiday in a new
- tourism spot make people have trouble about price,tend to surprise people with price difference,
- I strongly believe that holidays in
- makegives people to know
- new culturecultural experience and can
- than theits drawbacks.

- Holiday in a new locality
- makes people do not know
- aware of the cost
- makes theirit difficult
- to count they spendingtheir expenses .

There you have it Wiwik, there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay, what you're doing is writing in direct translation to your mother tongue and this is not English, what I like about you is that you keep trying, keep practicing and you never shy away from posting your essays here on EF, this is a way to get better in writing. I left a few more paragraphs that you can edit and proof read yourself, following the examples below, mind the flow of the idea as well as the construction of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The cycle of the salmon in diverse habitats and stages [2]

Hi Siti, I would like to share additional insights to your essay.

- life cycle life of the salmon.
- AlsoT he salmon's habitats also

- The cycle starts when eggs are laid in shallow water by the upper river bed, between the rocks where they can breed safely, the fry salmon

- It is fasted flowing here approximately 4 years( in this statement, I'm not sure what it means by "It is fasted ") .
- It changes its habitat and turn
- up into the open sea.

- induring the breeding seasons.
- In the Upper River
- placeslays ( places - things / lays - eggs ) its eggs
- Finally, the cycle will be started back to the first stagestart again .

Siti, I hope the corrections above are useful.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: the wealth in a country versus population proportions in various regions of the world [3]

- The presented bar chart presented highlights
- of information
- and countedis measured in percentages.
- wealth in a
- countriescountry is evident in the population,
- have athe less the population,
- the richer the country
- whereas most of the lowest income is in a reverse.

- With regarding toBase on the data,
- the three countries of prosperous nation includingincludes - are placed by Africa and India
- atwith a very small number.
- It ishas shown a

- the highest population
- inits China,
- Others include Asia Pacific, and India,
- those just havethe wealth level
- categories by 1:2 ratio .

Fradan, when writing an analysis, mind the formality and the uniformity of the figures that you input. As in this case, it is suggested that you use the percentage sign (%) and if it's in a ratio, make sure that you indicate them as well. I say this, simply because, the analysis is the expression of how you understood the given chart and you amongst others should be the first one to understand it and then the readers follow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Cinema visitors description in the Great Britain in 2 decades [3]

- on the group ofand age
- in the Great Britain
- line chart below .
- Overall, it can be generally( we already established that it's an overall picture and this means it's on a general perspective ) seen that,

- offrom all age groups

- the two largest proportions.

- Concerning toFor the rest partsof the charts ,
- whereas anothera great percentage was up to 25 percent.

Hi Mochtar, I hope the remarks above are useful to the creation of the revised essay.
One thing that you have to take note of is, when writing the analysis, you have to keep it interesting to the readers, take the numbers, figures as well as the facts and let this speak onto the analysis. I hope this all make sense.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 e-book as an additional format and it can not replace the presence of a printed book [2]

Hi Dian, you have made a precise argument here in your essay and and it's written fairly well. You have some insights that are very relevant to the prompt and this makes an essay good and interesting to read.

Now, I just want to share a few remarks on the first 2 paragraph of the essay and I hope it's useful.

1st paragraph
- foron reading material.
- is a better choice
- for a reading material.
- that the textbooks
- will be readingare more comfortable to read .
- newspapers are more comfortable.

2nd paragraph
- E -book present
- inhabitantspeople or readers can bring
- sales of e-book sales
- growthhas grown
- forover three consecutive years, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) in addition
- to the advantages of the e-book,
- isit's more environmentally friendly.
- the ease and convenience
- so that thethis is why e-book usage

Dian, I hope the corrections made are helpful and I hope you follow through with it in doing the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The best alernative to prevent crime - 'apply a stringent penalties' [2]

Hi Hadiyati, I would like to share my thoughts on the first two paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- criminalsisare getting
- familiar with
- the public's ears which are served like our daily meals.( I'm not sure what you exactly mean by this phrase )
- scared to go out
- thanks to aour fear of crime.
- Regarding to thisHaving said that ,
- more( more what?, it's an unfinished phrase and it cannot stand on its own ) more work should be done
- to prevent crime such as strict convictions and getting close with school( I'm not sure what crimes are we talking about here ) .
- Otherwise, the rest says that nothing can be done with it . - towith the first argument

2nd paragraph
- The cC rime has been endemic
- in mostly parts of our community's life,

Hadiyati, most of the sentences in the essay does not seem to go very well together or with each other. What happened is that, you tried to associate too many and too deep words that are not necessary to the essay, This does not reveal the true idea and the answer to the prompt so a total revision is needed and when you do the revision, mind your words, the simpler the words, the better, what matters is your idea and how it transpires in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Salmon put their eggs in the upper river which has slow moving currents - facts from this fish life [2]

Hi Nur kindly find some help from my side for your analysis.

- a big fish recognised as salmon lifelives and - stepsstages of a salmon's

- To begin, salmon putlays ( put - thing / lay - eggs)
- their eggs in the upper part of the river
- in the opposite between
- After the incubating process,
- the eggs will changeprogress to
- become a fry which has
- a body's size of approximately
- is fast slowing( fast slowing????, I bet you mean "fast moving " ) currents
- in whichwhere they will stay at the location for 4 years.

There you have it Nur, I believe the analysis is written fairly well, you had a different approach towards explaining the detail of the Salmons life cycle and you manage to create a very laid back analysis, of course it's not that it's perfect but it is close, you just have to pay attention to minor details as seen in the above corrections.

Writing Feedback / After 4 years in Lower River, salmons fry will grow into smolts which have size roughly 12-15 cm [2]

- becoming an adult can be
- stepsstages ( steps - a direction to follow / stage - life cycle )
- which must be passed bythat the salmon
- has to go through such as egg,
- intoas an adult.

- Moving on to the detailed information, - the first stepstagewhich
- will be described is an egg.
- small tones in the Upper River.
- measured around 3-8 cm.
- At this stepstage ,
- they will move to another habitat;
- as they will prefer to stay in the Lower River.

- After 4 years in the Lower River,
- which have sizewhere they will be roughly
- in an Open Sea.
- To be an adult salmon
- they shouldwhich have measured - ,and they need approximately 5

Hi Yusri, once again, you forgot your linking verbs and be careful on your sentences, the"which", "have", "has", etc., they make up a good sentence and knowing which one to associate in your sentence is crucial to the essay.

Writing Feedback / CHARTS the age and gender of single-occupant households as well as how many bedrooms in their houses [2]

- how manythe number of bedrooms
- in theirthe houses in England

- averagely according to the bar charton an average .

- in terms of livingwho lives alone
- the age of 50,

- The pie chart does not only
- demonstrates the most
- one-person home was 2, but

Hi Vincent, before anything else, I would like to WELCOME you to Essay Forum, as a part of our family, we hope that you find this website helpful and and useful at the same time. Now, as you can see, I took the liberty to edit your analysis on the given charts. Overall, you did great in this analysis, you were able to explain the charts properly and you were able to choose the words that is easy to understand, this is one important thing to remember when you're writing.

I hope this insights help and I wish to see more of your writing.

Writing Feedback / This species originally hatch in fresh water, then live in the sea when it grows. The life of salmon [2]

Hi Angga, first reminder, right off the bat, don't forget your linking verbs.

- of a salmon,
- one of largelargest fish species.
- sea starts when they reach adulthood .

- in the upper part of the river
- in whichwhere the water
- is moving slowly.
- and thenfry swims to
- InDuring the mating season,
- Then this cycle is continuedcontinues .

- Salmon can be considered asan adult fish
- afterwhen it reaches

There you have it Angga, aside form the corrections above, I suggest that you put the last paragraph in the second or the middle part of the essay, it is more appropriate and it flows very well that way.

Writing Feedback / The growth of salmon begin when eggs from adult salmon laid out at small stones under the reeds [2]

Hi Tri, kindly find my help below;

- the life cycle life's of a salmon. - and lasts forends at a certain timestage ( the subject is the life cycle of the salmon and its stages so you have to maintain this subject, otherwise, the idea might get lost ) .

- There are several stages of itsin this life,
- which is startedstarts from eggs
- until becomingit becomes an adult salmon.

- begins when eggs
- from the adult salmon
- is laid out
- aton small stones
- which is in the upper
- river with slow moving water flows( slow moving - already depicts water flow ) .

Tri, as you can see, you were able to analyze the diagram properly, however, the description of the diagram and how you express it, did not really follow a good transition, one thing that you have to note, which is very important, is that, the linking verbs, the subject as well as the choices of words you use in your essay, is the one that will your message across your readers. Having said this, I left the last few paragraphs that you can work on, following the ones done above and I hope this helped!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I: the satisfaction of spending money - in shops, restaurants, and design (New Zealand) [2]

Hi Fardan, I would like to share my thoughts on your analysis.

- survey for both male
- categories was conducted
- Zealand and is
- presented in a table
- and pie chart below and
- counted in percentages .

- When it closer to the designAt a closer review ,
-than three-fifths .
- it is placed byin Dis satisfied - However,Overall, a very
- rate is stood in the mid-level at 17 percent.

Fardan, when writing your analysis and any other writing articles in the future, mind the verbs tenses of the words you use, when to use the plural for, where to put the "s" form of the word takes a lot of difference on coming up with a good sentence that will affect your essay, so be very careful.

Writing Feedback / From the chart: Native Australia experienced the largest number entering Movie Theater at 70% [2]

Hi Desty, kindly find a few corrections below.

- places that were visited
- amongst theatre,

- Native Australians experienced
- the largest number of people entering
- the Movie
- than itbefore .

- Then the last placed by new immigrants born in the other countries a half the same category.( this statement needs to be rephrased, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this )

- In library, new migrants born in other countries reached the top number at 55%, then followed ...The Library is dominated by new migrants reaching the top at 55%, followed by visitors coming from English speaking countries at 40%.

Desty, I left the last paragraph for you to practice on editing the analysis yourself, I must say, there are still a lot of work to be done in your essay. You have the idea, however, you had a hard time expressing yourself in English specially in providing analysis of the given data.

Writing Feedback / There are two main ways to produce fish pie. In any case, human intervention is still necessary. [2]

Hi Hadiyati, if I'm not mistaken, your analysis on the Fish Pie Production is the 10th analysis I read and edited, I can honestly say, without any sugar coat, you have the most impressive analysis, having use words such as "human intervention", "majority", "machine- work" among others goes to show that you are very careful in choosing words to associate in your essay.

Your introduction proved to be strong and full of analytical as well as critical nature, however, I would like to correct a few words and phrases with hopes of creating an even stronger essay.

- Before the raw materialsingredients ( materials - for arts and craft / ingredients - for food and its process )
- is distinguished intoconsist of two major parts. T
- he first methodpart of the process is potatoes shipment.
- It is started bys with the arrival
- of the potatoes up to one month tripthat are a month old .
- ThoseThis potatoes

Now, aside from the above corrected sentences, that are a few more to be done in the last paragraph, as I said, the introduction is rather strong, however, this was not carried through out the essay. I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / There are four major of raw material to produce fish pie - which is illustrate on the diagrams. [2]

HI Nur, please find my corrections below.

- of raw materialingredients ( ingredients - for food / material - things or crafts )
- to produce fish pie. However, theand this production

- To begin with ,
- the raw materialsingredients like
- up to one month, this potatoes are aged 1 month old and up ,
- and then thosethey are cleaned
- by clean machines.
- the waste of slices is put intogoes to the waste disposal unit .
- before thoseand they are ready to be stored.

Nur, I left the last paragraph for you to consider editing it yourself, following the same formula above, this will help practice your proof reading skills, more so your editing skills.

I hope this helped in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Several people tend to build a personal business rather than being an employee for a firm or group [3]

Hi Ali, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.
Please find the corrections below.

- Nowadays, b ecoming
- ana business owner
- is a big resolution( what do you mean by "big resolution "?, do you mean big solution? ) .
- to build a personal businesses rather
- than beingbecoming an employee
- forof a firm or group.
- with theand valuable
- them, howeveralthough this also

- decide on creating
- thea new business
- although it have different portion betweenand this varies between professional
- and amateur entrepreneur.

Ali, as you can see, there's still quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay.
I suggest that you choose different words to express your ideas and mind the construction of your sentences too. The construction of the sentences, greatly affects the essay, of course because they comprise the essay, so you have to be very careful.

Writing Feedback / How to make public places free from the cigarette smoke? [2]

Hi Sebastian, I can see that you got a well revised correction here and I believe it will greatly help you in coming up with a better essay.

Now, just to add a little help, on your final essay version make sure that you put a gap between the paragraphs, this will let your readers breath and take time to grasp the idea that you want them to understand from the essay, not only this, it will also help your essay look polished and formal, thus giving that professional aura.

I hope to see more of your writing soon and for future writing references, proof read before posting, make sure that the spell checker of your machine is on and of course a little research about the the prompt and a healthy comparison between writers will not hurt but will only get you better.

Writing Feedback / Vocational Training vs. Academic Study [2]

Hi JanFan, I finished reviewing your essay and here's to start with my observation.
You manage to come up with a well written essay, the words that you choose to express your ideas are incredibly well picked, this also transitions to the rest of the essay, the flow of the sentences is very crucial as this will carry the idea you are trying your readers to understand.

However, I believe the presentation of the essay can still be enhanced by merging the small paragraphs and make them bolder as well as keep it in a minimum number of paragraphs. I suppose in this essay, 3 paragraphs should be sufficient.

Furthermore, your essay is easy to comprehend, this is because you kept it simple and straight forward. Well, I agree, that before making a decision, full consideration should be done, weighing options and seeking answers to your questions are a must in order to come up with a well rounded decision.

I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Overall, it can be seen that there are two main raw materials to make fish pie. IELTS [2]

- A process of productionproducing fish pie
- generationgenerated in a food
- materialsingredients ( materials - for things / ingredients - for food ) to make fish pie.

- by a truck for
- are wastedgoes to a wasteto disposal.
- is to slice in order tothen boil
- them in good conditionthis is not necessary at all ) .
- The potatoes are added bywith chili
- to give the sensetaste ( sense - to brain / taste - to food) .
- All in all,T he last process is storing.
- Turning to another main raw materialingredient ,
- by a truck for
- this step of this ingredient isit has to be added with lemon juice and salt.
- Then, it is steamed in an oven.
- employ humans to remove
- and skinde bonesthe fish
- and of them as anthey are being supervised by an inspector.
- stored in a freezer

Hi Sebastian, you might have noticed that I already made some corrections on your essay, I hope they are useful in your revision. What I notice are the missing linking verbs, the word choices are quiet off from the idea you are trying to express and the verbs forms needs to be observed as well.

Writing Feedback / Forbid smoking in public spots to be able to breathe clean, fresh air. [2]

Hi Hadiyati, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful in your writing needs as well as an outlet in engaging to fellow students and writers. We will provide you with unbiased and objective criticism in order for you to get better at what you do, may it be writing article, essay, analysis and all other writing pieces.

Now, upon reading your essay, I must say is is written fairly well, it has the contents asked from the prompt and it definitely has that argumentative idea. You have set your point straight on and it is a very good approach to writing. You were able to showcase the good and bad effects of smoking as well as your stand point on the issue. What I liked about it is that you were also able to incorporate facts gathered by reputable sources of information such as BBC, this is a great start towards writing, this just goes to show that you take extra mile in expressing your ideas and not rely on the books and your regular research.

Furthermore, you presented the essay in a formal way, maximum number of paragraphs has been observed and most of all, you let your idea and your view on the matter, stand out, you want to be heard through your writing and this is just what you did.Keep up the good job.

Writing Feedback / Early education boosts creativity, although it can bring detrimental effect on mentality development [4]

Hi Nur, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay and honestly, it's quiet confusing, you have a lot of words that is not in the places they're suppose to be and a lot of ideas all over the place. However, this is not a bad thing, writing this essay only goes to show that you are determined in learning the language and making use of it, in order to express your ideas. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of work to do so let's start.

- s ome communities in some territorial suggest
- that their child
- to start a formal
- duein order to enhance
- others believe that
- children do not allowsare not allowed to attend
- formal school and only after havingan appropriate age
- will they be allowed to accept
- the lessonsbecause of maturitywhen they are mature enough .
- I personally agree with the statement
- haveare young
- age will be difficult to rununderstand the system.

There you have it, as you can see, this is just the first paragraph and it's almost a total revision, as mentioned, it is a great act of perseverance that will make you better in writing. I suggest that you rewrite the essay. following the above corrections.

Writing Feedback / The best age to send to school our children [3]

Hi Yusri, I'd like to start the editing with the title;

- The best age to send to school our childrenour children to school.

Now, let's tackle the 1st and 2nd paragraph of the essay.

- whichthat must be
- noticedtaken into consideration by parents
- when they will send to school their children in theto primary school.
- to not be sent to school only until
- that at thethis particular age,

- in a young age
- in a primary school
- whichthat will be
- got bybenefit the children in this category.
- For instance, they have excellencewill excel
- not supposed to not force their

There you have it Yusri, I hope this corrections helped.
The last 2 paragraphs of your essay should be an easy fix and you should be able to practice with it, this will enable you to write an even better essay.

Writing Feedback / 'potatoes and fish are the main ingredients' - Fish pie manufacturing diagrams [2]

- pie is consist of
- At a first glance,
- it hasis made through 2 major stages,
- which are preparation and packaging.

- The fish is puttedplaced in a microwaveable
- The top side of this mixture

- Turning to the manufacturing process,
- DeliveredThe potatoes
- are delivered and have to be
- The potatoes isare ( mind your verb tenses ) washed in - thosethey are peeled.and separated from its skin.( this phrase os not necessary, peeling is the act of taking skin out from its source and in this case, the potato )

- potatoes thanare then chilled

Hi Angga, I left the last paragraph for you to edit yourself so you can practice editing your own work. I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / The subjects which should be studied by students [2]

Hi Nida, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- to study theira subject that they are passionate - subject atabout in a university.
- whichthat are needed
- which havethat has tremendous

- Every learnerstudent has
- different passionsasthus they
- have a great deal of proficiency respectively .
- They will feel en joy if they select
- the subject which they are interestedwhere they have an interest of ,
- have the passion in
- the music will feel joyaccomplished if they are doing with something related the music.
- regarding to their desire.

Nida, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay, I can't reiterate much but you have to review and practice writing more often.

I hope you follow through on the corrections made and we'll sure see your revision soon.